Romantically Contagious In The Age Of Social Distancing

spk_0:   0:03
I'm Kerry Brett and you're listening to shot at love Isn't it time you took a shot at love, Took a shot on yourself? Believe you were worthy of true love? Is there a more effective way to date? Can you find love? Hell, yeah. I'm gonna show you how it's done. I'm Kerry Brett and you're listening to Shot @ Love . Today, we have my friend Andrew joining us. Today's episode is titled “How to be Romantically Contagious during the Age of Social Distancing. So we're podcasting here from Boston and we know how to stay strong these unprecedented times. How do you keep that infectious humor going during these dark days? The age of social distancing reminds me of the tragic winter I spent alone in 2014 and 15. I felt like Jack Nicholson in The Shining while three back to back blizzards dumped over 100 and 10 inches of snow that winter I didn't see the top of my studio for three months. I was so isolated and lived in so much fear, I basically would have dated any guy with a shovel. As this pandemic in global emergency continues, I started to feel some fear myself driven by the anxiety of the unknown around the Corona virus, which basically brought me right back to that time in my life when I felt so alone crippled by fear. I started to think, if you're single and you're living alone, you must at times feel pretty isolated. So today I decided to invite my friend Andrew to discuss what's happening in the world of online dating during this national crisis. A little heavy, Andrew I know.

spk_1:   1:58
Hi, Kerry. Um, no, thanks. Thanks for having me. No, it's great to be here on kind of a quiet Sunday morning. But, man, like what? What a week we've all been through. I know what my own life has been like going to work on Monday? I work in finance in Boston, and, you know, there's a sense of like, Okay, we'll prepare for this. And then by Wednesday it was a little more elevated. And by Friday, given just the volatility in the financial markets and massive change in the administration, and then what we're seeing this weekend, it's a scary time for for a lot of people and it is an isolating time for a lot of people. So, I'll definitely be glad to share with you my own experiences and kind of how I'm approaching it and trying to balance the need for human connection, which is something that we all feel such a basic, you know, desire to do. And then how do you do that in an environment where people are social distancing or in some cases, you know, not leaving the house?

spk_0:   2:56
Right? So I think you know, this is the spring market, and people wait for spring so that they can get back out there. They've been, you know, hibernating all winter. And this is a time for hope and, you know, dating and meeting new people and finding love. And now it seems like everything's just kind of come to a standstill online. So for my listeners, who are out swiping and out dating, I really wanted to see what was happening. What's the advice I could give them? How did how do date virtually? Or we're gonna be based timing for dates. You know what? We're going to go bird watching and stand 600 feet apart. like, What are we gonna be doing?

spk_1:   3:42
Yeah, and I think, honestly, we're all in the same boat, right? Everyone's trying trying to figure it out.

spk_0:   3:48
Yeah, I think I think Well, how we became friends was I had put up an invitation to a swiping sorry that I was hosting in Boston and you wrote me And you said, you know, is this open up to man yet? And I said, Well, I said, why don't you come in and meet me and invest in a professional headshot because I think it's gonna make a huge difference. I admired you for reaching out to me. I could tell that you were someone that didn't know a lot about online dating. You kind of thrown into this. Bring the listeners back to that time.

spk_1:   4:18
I separated from my wife a year and 1/2 ago, been living on my own pretty much ever since. And I had reached out to carry because it's it's so different, you know, dating in your mid forties versus what it was like. And we live in Boston, right? So 20 years ago, everyone in Boston would go out to bars at Faneuil Hall. He grew out of your friends. Some of your college friends are married or single and or you got to music events and you meet people. I mean, it's funny, like Carrie. I remember going out to pars like, you know, T is on the waterfront or other places nearly came in. Did you get her number? Did you get her number? And it's like, You know that. Then you had to wait like a day or two to call, and then you would would call. And now it's just It's so different, right? And it's funny. The first thing you know, I've met a lot of women at bars, and the first lady was asked for your instagram right, because they want to check you out on Instagram. But they like you, the D m u. And if if not, they don't. So the rules are totally different so that, you know, for me getting back in the dating world, the first part was like I don't even really know how to navigate this. And that's when I had reached out to you and was like, Hey, I'm really kind of not sure what to do, but I know you know something about this. The other thing I noticed just starting to go on profiles and as a photographer. How we present ourselves is unlimited in terms of the way it can be done. And everyone has a phone, right. Everyone thinks I'll just take like, the belt. You know, the bathroom staff, selfie or the or the sitting in my car selfie with my kids in the back seat. And I'm looking at a lot of people's photos, and I'm like, Look, I don't even know these people, but I know that is not the best photo that they can put forward to attract what they're looking for right? And that's probably why would reach out to you, because I was like,

spk_0:   5:50
There's a disconnect, Yeah, and how do you

spk_1:   5:52
How do you convey a sense of your authentic self and who you are as a person and what your interests are in? You have to do it instantly. You get in a lot of cases, you get one shot because people are looking at your head shot and not scrolling through unnecessarily. And how do you make it stand out? But also representative of who you are or where you want to become or make it make yourself an interesting enough person that it shows the dynamic range of who you are as a person and put yourself out there. And for a lot of people like people don't know how to do that. And a lot of people are scared to do that right, because it's like you know, they're putting yourself out there is scary. It's like taking a leap. It's like That's where you were not connected and that's what led me. That's what led us to work together with the portrait session we did, and that actually had a pretty significant impact.

spk_0:   6:40
We just elevated your brand. Oh, you just I mean, it was for me. It

spk_1:   6:44
was like, You know, So going through the process of separation and now divorce and I'm like 98% divorce that just sign my separation agreement last last week and we have a court date coming up next week if the courts are open and you know that obviously has its own emotional challenges. But I think the process of dating in your forties is the process of like re creation self discovery, and then having the courage and the faith and the strength to put yourself out there. But it's also creating the space to figure out, like Who do I want to be? I could be anyone I want, like I'm not gonna quit my day job and all of a sudden, you know, turn my life upside down. But it's It's an opportunity to be like, How do you want to present yourself? How do you define yourself? And I feel like that's what you and I were able to do because when I came down here, so much of photography. For me, it's about connection, and you are connected on a bunch of different levels. We know a lot of same people, but we both have a background in media and we both have been through. I've been through a lot, and so I think what we're doing the head shots for me did was an opportunity that just kind of put my best foot forward. You know, pictures. I think the best portrait's are revealing in some way. I think that's what you helped bring out in me is a sense of like, you know, okay, present myself as who I am Show your personality coming through. Show something unique about you and share something different than just like a guy holding a striper on his boat. Or like the bathroom selfie at the gym or the car selfie that like those air. So cliche. And I know those don't represent who people are. So you have to think about it doesn't to be expensive. It doesn't have to be crazy. We have to think about like, how do I stand out in that first photograph or enough to encourage people to continue to swept through and then reach out to you,

spk_0:   8:26
Right? So when you first came to me, you sent me all these photographs that you had put up online. And you're an athlete, you know, You've run marathons and every every photograph that you sent me, it was just, like, so intense. You know, I just felt like this is, you know, sport Billy here. And if I want to know, you know, just like to yoga classes a week or something. If I was looking at you, I would be like, This guy's a little He's extreme sport. He's the extreme sports guy and you know, so you kind of have a lot of interest, which is wonderful. But, you know, you had the guitar photograph and you were painting. You're very successful in finance. And so that's a huge seller for someone who has dated people with dead end jobs and can't keep a job. I just really felt like you needed to be the best version of yourself. Put that out there. And that would be the game changer for you and it. Waas.

spk_1:   9:29
Yeah. So right after we did that, I had joined a couple of different sites at that point, and I immediately started noticing a lot more interest in my profile in me personally. But for me, it's kind of like, as I've gone through the experience of online dating and of the thing I've learned is like, you also need to go into online dating. Just be honest with yourself about what you're looking for,

spk_0:   9:50
right? Well, I admire you for telling people that because I think 70 to 80% of people who are online dating they want something serious. So, you know, I don't know. Maybe you need to take a sabbatical like I'm just getting I think I think we look.

spk_1:   10:07
We all want something serious at the end of the day, but it's funny. You know, I think about dating in your twenties, and maybe it's because it's like before you have kids or just seem like the pace of life was slower. But when you're dating in your twenties, like you would go out, you'd have drinks. You see the person a couple times again, you'd go away for them. You go away for the weekend. It just seems like the pace of things was slower on now, because every new relationship is is one swipe away. It seems like the cycle is so much faster. It's like, all right, like either we're gonna be a couple, like 100% committed after two or three dates are I'm just gonna block you and, like, literally just move on to the next person.

spk_0:   10:49
Yeah, it's a little crazy. And I've

spk_1:   10:52
heard that from women, too, because I've talked to a couple women who I've talked to on Bumble. And, you know, we've kept in touch a little bit, like maybe a couple months down the road. If it, um I'd say, Hey, how are things going and this woman are talk to. She's like, Well, it's going well, but I'm not sure he's the right guy. And I just feel like we're one swipe away from just like, finding someone else and just falling apart, you know? So there's that added sense of, like,

spk_0:   11:16
urgency, a sense of urgency. And, you know, I was talking about my friends last night, who's just a millennial. And the younger kids are still going out to bars, and, you know, some of it is they're younger, and they feel that that this virus can can affect younger people's in there untouchable. So, uh, I know that's been raging to a lot of people because the general consensus is stay home. Um, but she told me that in the past few days, with this national emergency, the desperation level, her bumble account is blowing up. So that's been interesting to see. Um, so I'll tell you

spk_1:   12:04
what I've seen. So this is just, you know, my anecdotes from the last couple of days, which is, um, as we got into the weekend, I'm thinking like, I need to get out this week. I'm like, I I'm not gonna sit home alone and do nothing like like I'm a social person and I think we all are in different ways. So it was just so great to get out. And I'm like, Man, I would just love to like, you know, just a teensy one. Yeah, So there was a woman who would reach out to me, probably Friday. She's like, Hey, what you doing tomorrow night? I'm like, I'm free. She said to me was like, Hey, you wanna have dinner like, Absolutely, Let's go out. We'll go out the seaport So it's kind of fortuitous that comes like, this would be fun. You know, I don't have no real expectations of it. And then she texted me in the afternoon. She's like, Hey, listen, I'm stuck down the cape. I'm here visiting my mom. She's she needs, you know, I need to attend to her. And she's worried about the potential for locked down in the state of Massachusetts. There's a lot of information and rumors and maybe some misinformation. So she canceled our date, but I understood. Who knows? I may hear from her again. I may not, but I'm kind of like you know what? I I respect the concept of social distancing, and I don't want to be responsible cause it's ST Patrick's Day weekend, which normally would be huge in Boston. I normally would be a $40 cover and a two hour wait to get in, and it was neither of those things, right? Yeah, people are just kind of figuring out, like a good idea. What do we do? What do we do? And I don't I don't know the answer to that. I think I think that's what we're trying to figure out.

spk_0:   13:29
We will come back to this discussion, but right now we're gonna break for my tender tips. And now this week's tender tips Number one Do your best not to panic. This, too, shall pass. Tough times. Don't last, but tough people D'oh! Number two don't give into fear. Fear feeds what you don't want. A beer is a liar. Number three. On a date when it comes time to place your drink order, tell a bartender you'll have a quarantine e to break the ice. Everyone loves a laugh during trying. Times number four. Remember, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Lose your focus on that emotionally distant salmon with commitment issues that doesn't wash his hands. Number five. I always like to use what's happening and current events when texting Agata. You like when he asked you out on a date, Respond with sure Travel Ban won't stop me. We'll see you at eight. Number six. You could add in some fun, flirty one liner on the date. Are you sheltering me in place or just happy to see me? Number seven. Lead with confidence, your inner hotness. Trust that you're the object you will frequently want to touch. Eight. Be kind. There's lots of people who are sick and very fearful. Everyone struggle is different and deeply personal to them. Be extra kind. Everyone number nine. Check in on your single friends. People tend to suffer in silence and hide out when they're hurting and need support. Many single people. Self quarantine When there is not a national emergency. Number 10. Stay safe out there. Friends. Welcome back to shot at love. Andrew. I think my listeners would like to know how difficult it is to connect with people in the digital age and how much harder it will be if we can't go to a Starbucks. A bar arrest, your honor, Jim, I guess I'm trying to be mindful. I don't want to be. Yeah, I know. This is a challenging time. I know it's our responsibility to stay home. I really stayed up all night last night worrying about how people would take this, But my listeners are single people who are isolated, and I'm trying to bring hope and positive messaging so that we know that this is not gonna be forever. And let's keep these relationships going that were texting on these dating sites.

spk_1:   16:24
So I think, you know, one of the things that I've found about dating sites in general and I think it makes it even harder now is how do you define a relationship? I see the dating APP says like, ah, portal to find a way to connect personally with other human beings. And I see a lot of people pursuing like a texting relationship. It's almost like this virtual relationship, and to me, I'm trying to get beyond that, like, I'm trying to get through that. Um, so, you know, I think one of the questions that you're asking me during the break is like How do you How do you continue to date and see people? An environment where we have social distancing and quarantine? I mean, look, everyone has toe do what they feel is right and I certainly and completely fully agree that you have to follow responsible guidelines and listen to health care professionals and everything. But at the end of dead Carrie, we're all human beings, and I truly and firmly believe that we all desire emotional, spiritual, intimate sexual connections in a partnership that is loving and playful and supportive and fun. And from my point of view, the on Li Wei to experience. That is, when you're physically with another person in the same room, sitting at the same table, sharing a drink, having a conversation, sharing a meal, um, and then seeing what that leads to. And look, that's scary. On a good day, right, because you're meeting essentially a complete stranger that you don't know anything about. You're self conscious about how they're going to judge you where they're gonna be like, Are you actually gonna connect in person like that? Alone is fearful enough to get over that hurl. But then you add in the element of like it might be irresponsible in my okay to meet this person in a public place. How can I meet them in a private place when I'm eating a complete stranger and it's enough for people to, like, just retreat into a ball? I don't want to be a responsible or I certainly don't want to do anything that makes this pandemic crisis worse. But I firmly believe that the end of the day, there's no substitute for face to face human connection. And I think, um, you know, I think when you when you sit across the table and you you look in someone's eyes and you get a sense of their personality and if you really connect, I mean you can I think you can feel their energy and their spirit. That's what that is. What attraction is all about spark that sparked and I I think that the on leeway you're truly know if that's there is when you meet someone in person,

spk_0:   18:58
right? I think you have a good attitude about that. I feel like you know, when I think about that winter that I was so isolated and I I didn't really watch TV. I spent a lot of time editing. It was really, you know, talking to myself in my home, losing it for sure. But the's guys that I was hit texting on tinder even though I spent a large amount of time texting them and getting to know them. And essentially, I guess, being a pen pal, it took away that temporary loneliness so it wasn't lost. It got me better at texting. It got me better understanding, date dating. I've learned the mistakes I was making. You know, you have to fall down Thio, get back up again. And it wasn't lost time by any means. I think about texting my boyfriend, Scott. It took one month for him to ask me out That never happened. You know, guys like you free tomorrow. So I think during this time where things were more challenging, I think patience is a virtue. I think you know, we can't just stop pump pumping the well if it takes a month before we can see each other. Well, let's spice it up, you know, Let's try toe, make the best of it,

spk_1:   20:24
you know, So the other The other thing that I've perceived a little bit just in Talking to some women online over the last couple days is to me in a sense of, um, look, we're in like unchartered territories. People are frightened. They're frightened for themselves through their health, for their families, for their loved ones, for their, you know, financially, financially absolute. It's There's a lot of unease in the world right now, but I I think to me, I think that also creates an opportunity just like, just be yourself. Just be yourself. So

spk_0:   20:56
we don't have anything to lose and everything

spk_1:   20:58
to lose like so many people are like, You know, I see a lot of profiles were like the pictures are so blurred and they use so many filters or, you know, they only show their face because they're not comfortable with their body. My feeling is like just be your 100% authentic self beak. And so, like as I'm talking to women, I'm not. I'm not trying to put on any airs. I'm scared and I don't mind admitting that. So, like, rather than being like, hey, has your Saturday night going, I'm leading off with like, Hey, how are you? Are you okay.

spk_0:   21:25
Were like, Hi, I'm naked and afraid. Yeah, just honestly, Just

spk_1:   21:31
like Hey, you doing okay? Which is just, like, bring

spk_0:   21:34
it back to

spk_1:   21:34
that level of humanity, right? Just acknowledge, like we're all on eggshells. And it does remind me of a little bit after 9 11 Where that this that enormous uncertainty in the world.

spk_0:   21:46
And we saw

spk_1:   21:47
that in Boston after the Boston Marathon bombings. I lived through it. You lived through it. You know, a lot of people who are affected in different ways. As I was, I was a runner that day. I was on Boylston Street. I saw a lot of things that I'll never forget. Those were really tough times for our city in our country. But look, we've gotten through tough times before. Carrie,

spk_0:   22:03
we'll get through it again

spk_1:   22:04
and we'll get through it again.

spk_0:   22:06
It is that human connection and being kind and checking on your single friends and your neighbors and being strong and trying to be positive. And I think everybody is doing their very best. And so I can see the text messages on these dating sites being a little short and people taking things personally because they are on edge. So I would just say lead with your heart and compassion first and give people cut. People break right now. And I would also

spk_1:   22:40
say to me again, bring it back to a little bit what we're talking about in the first segment, which is that, um, just be open and honest about what you're looking for. And if you're like, Hey, I'm I'm going through a difficult time. Like I just want some of that I can connect with and have an emotional spiritual, maybe a sexual connection with And, um, you know, it doesn't necessarily have to be like, Okay, I'm looking for my soul mate for the rest of my life. Maybe you'll find that person, but I think embracing the element of serendipity like we all get so caught up in, like, is this Is this the one? Is she the one? Is he the one like, Is this my boyfriend? Is this my girlfriend Like, are we? You know where we take this. And, um, I think part of what I'm finding is like, if you could be your authentic self,

spk_0:   23:29
If it's supposed to work out, it will work out Yeah,

spk_1:   23:31
absolutely. And to me, there's a little bit of a sense of like, Hey, like, I'm I'm just looking for someone who I can have a genuine connection with Andi. Um, And to help make this really, um, anxious, uneasy time A little bit less uncertain and crazy.

spk_0:   23:49
So it's almost, like, have no agenda and take away the fear And what's the worst that can happen? The worst that can happen is you end up with the new single friend. Get a force yourself to go on dates, whether they're good or bad. Continue with the positivity. Continue putting yourself out there. Can, you know, continuing to hold your value and know that if you put the work in on the dating up and you actually put yourself out there over time, it will happen.

spk_1:   24:17
I was looking forward to using the spring in the summer, um, to connecting with some running groups and, like joining Wicca group yoga run class and, you know, just like meeting people in group settings and all that stuff's been canceled. Now it's like, you know, normally you'd say, like, Okay, I'll just find people who like to do the things I like to do, and I I'll just engage with those groups. And now it's like That's literally all been cancelled.

spk_0:   24:41
I know. So the fear has been amplified.

spk_1:   24:45
Yeah, because it's like it's almost like it's almost like we've all gone home and it's like a single person. You know, it's crazy because you're sitting, you're sitting, you're sitting in your house. I don't watch a lot of TV. I know you don't either. And I'm just kind of sitting in my house surfing social media constantly, you know? And you can fucking spin out of control cans pretty darn pretty darn

spk_0:   25:04
quick can, because you're just

spk_1:   25:06
and you're like, Oh, my God,

spk_0:   25:07
I just know

spk_1:   25:08
you're like, Oh, my God, I'm alone in my house And I'm looking at working remotely for the next six weeks and we all don't know what life's gonna bring.

spk_0:   25:16
We don't so

spk_1:   25:18
But to me, that's why I like you got to reach out. You've got to reach out, reach out.

spk_0:   25:22
I agree. And I think I think we might have to be open to some you know, facetime or a Skype as a real alternative. And I've seen that

spk_1:   25:33
on some of the dating apps that I've been on. I know it's been pushing up, so it may not be right for everyone, but I noticed they're pushing, like, Sunday nights, nine o'clock, like, log in and like, these short, almost, like speed dating like video. And I haven't tried it yet. I guess I would at some point.

spk_0:   25:47
Yeah. I mean, I think you have to be open minded, And you're gonna be completely closed minded around how fast dating is changing and how fast the world is changing. You're gonna be in trouble. You know, On

spk_1:   25:58
the other thing is a lot of public places where we would meet. I love live music. I would, I would normally Grisha. A lot of shows are canceled. Broadway's canceled in New York. A lot of the restaurants here in Boston are shutting down. Yeah, so then, like, you must get to the point of like, All right, where do I go? What do I do? So, like as a guy, I would kind of go anywhere, Do anything. You know, I've heard from a lot of women who are like, um I'm not gonna go to someone. I don't know.

spk_0:   26:23
I wouldn't recommend that I

spk_1:   26:25
completely respect that. But part of it it's like, All right, Do we, like, go for a walk in the park?

spk_0:   26:30
Do you like the outdoors and wave like a picnic?

spk_1:   26:33
It's like it's like 19 fifties style, right? It's like, Hey, let me pack you a picnic and let's meet down by the river. You know,

spk_0:   26:41
it's freezing out E.

spk_1:   26:44
I don't know. It's like, Hey, do you like the long walks on the beach and, uh, you know, snuggling up by the fireplace? I don't know.

spk_0:   26:50
I don't know. I think it's gonna be creative. Times will be interested

spk_1:   26:54
in what you want to come over and play backgammon and checkers, you know? I don't know. Is that Is that like,

spk_0:   26:59
where we're going with this? I don't know. It'll be interesting to watch. All right. Well, Andrew, thank you so much for being a guest on shot of love today. It was so much fun. Thanks for listening to shot at love. I'm carry Bret. See you next