Serious About Getting Serious With Love, Amy’s – Amy Nobile

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I'm Carrie Brett, and this is shot at love. The first motivational show around online dating today. We're welcoming back. Amy Novelli, the owner of love Amy, a dating concierge service. It helps you find love. Amy. We'll discuss how the pandemic has changed the dating scene forever while encouraging you to continue to date. Even if it's virtually not only is she going to teach us how to adapt, but crush it in this new normal world of dating, you won't want to miss it. Stay tuned.

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He fell in love and Bumble and was so inspired. She decided to share with others. What worked for her and love. Amy was born. Amy is also a successful author. Who's published four books. She's been featured in the New York times, the business insider, and even the today's show. Amy helps teach you how to be successful and ultimately find love. Hey Amy, so excited to have you back on the show again.

Thanks Carrie. I'm so happy to be here.

So the last time you were on shot at love, we talked about mastering virtual dating, which is up 96% since the pandemic. And you taught us how to virtually date during the quarantine. You made suggestions for outfit choices, what to wear in your living room. We talked about getting creative, so new trends like the walk and talk dates, and you were quoted in may in the business insider. And you said that pandemic has changed the dating scene forever. Can you give me some examples and bring us up to speed?

Yeah, absolutely. It's it's been a little bit since we talked and there's been so much activity, as you said, an online dating people are really hitting a wall. And even though it is still a thing, people are willing to take the risk to find true love because the pandemic has really allowed most of us to do some really deep thinking about priorities, how we want to ship those priorities and what we really want in our lives. Like what's, what's really meaningful and a long lasting loving relationship for a lot of people has now superseded a successful career or, you know, successful kids. And it's like, people are really realizing that they don't want to do this life thing all by themselves. So it's really amazing how people are, they're even writing in their dating profiles, looking for a longterm relationship, only serious about getting serious. So there's this tremendous drive for people to find to love, but also to be really, really honest about what they want and to be honest, right up front, when they first start dating, even in the bands or even in the first date,

Typical conversations are on the first date has changed. So instead of before, it'd be like, so how was your day today? Or the weather's been so beautiful and now I like it's changed too. I'm really tuned into my mortality or I don't know. Um,

No, it's, it's really interesting. I'm coaching my clients and you're right. Instead of that sort of initial banter where it sort of like, I love to travel on spiritual. Are you close to your family? How is your at that kind of talk really is just glossed over in the first five minutes. And the rest of the day is spent talking about what we really want in our lives and what we really want in a relationship and work. But we're diving deep, really fast. Right.

It's cool. I mean, I kinda glad that I am not dating where I would have to sit down with someone and be like, so I'm just thinking about the passage of time and you know, like, and what do you want to live? Like it's so heavy, but the positive of covering all this ground so quickly is that people are having these really deep connections. And it makes sense. I mean, everything's been so amplified and people's emotions are all over the place. There's been a lot of feelings around loss, but the flip side, there's been a lot of feelings about hope.

No, you're absolutely right. Jeff's right. And everybody feels like they're an exposed nerve and there's, even though that's sort of uncomfortable, it's also beautiful because there's just no BS, right? Like there are no masks on, there's no sort of like, Oh, you know, personas, it's sort of like, this is me. This is you. Are we a match? And if we think that we might be, let's go and let's go really fast and not too fast, but just let's go deep together.

Okay. So do you think more people have more trust to like take a leap of faith? And I don't know if it's my Instagram feed, but I feel like a lot of people have been getting engaged or married during this time. Is it, is it just me or do I just have an adversity to marriage? I don't know. I'm just kidding.

Well, it's interesting, right? I mean, you know, I've got clients who had found their quote unquote person right before COBIT hit and it fits, it's a 50, 50 split. 50% just went completely like South. It's like, Oh my gosh, we thought we were compatible. We saw. And then the other 50% are under that. We getting engaged like any fact then. And so I think it's, it's an extreme swing. There's no in between, but I, but I do think it's caused a lot of people to go inward in a really positive way to really think about, you know, what what's worked in the past for them, what hasn't and what they really want. Like people are manifesting their futures. They're writing down journals of this is what I want in my life and I'm not waiting for it and observe it, which is great. Totally.

I often think about what it's like for people, for you actually coaching people. Are they positive? You just said they were more positive, but I feel like people were not positive prior to the pandemic. They would be like, I don't want to be online. I have a lot of fear around this. And now I think the rug has just been pulled out from so many people that would, what do you think about that? I'm sure you went through different, um, emotions with people during this past six months.

Sure. Absolutely. At the beginning of COVID, of course everyone was paralyzed. My business was at a standstill, like many, many businesses, especially this one. It's like, Oh my gosh, people were super scared about six weeks ago, even though we're still in the throes of COVID people sort of hit that wall. And even though those still have a fear, I mean, there's the fear her still there does this work, does this online thing. Where can I find someone now the added anxiety of this pandemic? However, the differences people are really pushing themselves out of their comfort zones because they feel it, they don't have any other choice and they have to get with it because this really is where people are. And as you mentioned, the amount of new users is through the roof on all of the apps. So this really is the way to go and you just have to get your arms around it. And you have to somehow find the hope, as you said, and the positive attitude,

Your business basically comes through a screaming halt. And in the business insider that appeared this article that appeared you were quoted as saying that people gradually continued to date and work with you virtually, and they are exercising the utmost caution. What ways do you think you needed to pivot or change up your, your business? Did it happen like right out of the gate or, or is it still like evolving?

It's still evolving. It's now it's really accelerating, like in a crazy way. Like, can't even keep up with the inquiries, even though we're still in COVID and the normal, right. So people are getting more comfortable, but Oh my gosh, the evolution in the last three, four months has been really amazing to watch people are in a good way. Kind of going back to the phone calls and you know, how do you connect with somebody over the phone and how do you slow that down a little bit? How do you, you know, people instead of going right to an in person date, it's like three phone calls and then two zoom calls. And then how do you make those interesting, it's like, you know, the phone calls the phone call, but then getting people comfortable with zoom or FaceTime calls, which by the way, are inherently comfortable because you're so distracted by like how your hair looks or, and so it's really getting them, we would do mock I would do mock dates on zoom or FaceTime with my clients to really get them comfortable. And it sounds really silly, but like getting right angle, I'm getting the right light and wearing the right thing, you know, just feeling like you would get ready, like you would get ready for any other date. And so I have a lot of tests around that. And then, you know, do you just sit and talk and stare at the train? You don't have to. I mean, I have, I've had clients do like fun, like make the same cocktails, do dates like ahead of time, they send a recipe and they're like, okay, like, we're going to make it together on zoom where you set up the computer and you're literally in your kitchen and you're shaking the cocktail shaker and you're making your Manhattan or whatever cocktail it is. And then they progressed to making like a light dinner together over the next day. So our shared crossword puzzles. So there's all kinds of fun, creative dates that we sort of concocted and, um, you know, just trying to make it lighter, trying to make it fun. Like you said, it's so heavy with all of the issues swirling in North universe. So as long as you can try to like have a little levity and laughter with it, that really makes things easier. Right? So I, I cannot stand zoom. I have a really hard time with zoom because I'm an in person, person I do up close and personal when I'm working in my studio and I never really had any experience on zoom and it can be stressful if you're technically challenged, it's stressful. It doesn't feel no one wants to look at themselves, even if it's a little box, you know, and it's just, it's an awkward thing. I oftentimes will say to people, if they're really like anxiety written about it, it's just stick to the phone call. And then maybe we graduate to like, I like FaceTime over zoom, but I just, it just, it's a personal preference. Now people are really getting more comfortable with that sort of video technology. But you know, it's a personal preference, phone calls are still great. I mean, you can feel chemistry over it over the phone. You can feel chemistry over text for that matter. Right? Do what you want is a phone call that makes you feel comfortable. I think it's stressful talking to that person the first time anyways. So whatever comfort level that you have, I mean, these are difficult.

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So one of the things that you used to, well, I'm not sure how you, this was like one of your rules and I have rules myself. And you used to tell people, coffee dates or juice dates. You wouldn't waste a Saturday night or a Friday night, say, go into a bar or restaurant. And do you, so when you couldn't do that, like how did you come up with new rules? I'm sure you came up with new things that worked sort of the same rules apply. You know, I had a client who didn't apply that rule to the first date zoom date. And it went on for four hours. She called me and I was like, I didn't realize it was the same set of rules when your time is precious. She didn't know how to end it. They were just like, literally odd. I'm like, that's not okay. It's never that. So I always recommend before you get on the phone or zoom, just text and say, listen, I have a hard out at X time. So that gives us about 30 to 40 minutes. Just it's the same set of rules. It's just getting to know each other. You always want to end on a high note. You don't ever, it's like, it's like, you know, being the weekend guests somewhere where you never leave, it's like, you always want to leave on a high note so that everything you you're looking forward to that next time together, you're not sort of like you didn't feel per se. That's kind of the general philosophy. Always. You want to look forward to a second day and be giddy about it.

You're really good with boundaries. Amy. I have to say that I'm like, I'm definitely the last person to leave the party. And it's like, where's Carrie Carrie's in the corner with the lampshade shit on her head, still telling stories like, so I always got to be really strict about be the first one to get out of the text message, be the first one to hang up and it's really hard, but it totally puts you in a place of power. So that's, that's such a funny story about that woman who, you know, like four hours later, she's like, I'm doing a cooking show now in my kitchen with those random guy. Um, yeah. So you must have some success stories through this pandemic or at least good stories.

Absolutely. Absolutely. I have a great story of a woman I'm in the Bay area. She had been dating this guy for about a month when the COVID head and they had a choice to make, you know, do they go to the corns and together or do they sort of go just be remote and they decided to go for it. And they moved in together and they quarantine together and they're nearly engaged now. And there's just really beautiful stories of just taking that leap of faith. Like just jumping off the cliff and holding hands and saying, all right, it's now or never let's do this. And when it works, it's really beautiful. And I have a couple of stories like that, which are just really, really nice. Yeah. Some silver linings, for sure.

I think, you know, some hope that there are people meeting during, you know, meeting getting engaged, moving in together and it's totally a silver lining and you really see who a person is during a crisis and

Oh yeah, absolutely. Totally.

And so we find ourselves in this new landscape, you know, looking through this different lens and there is opportunity, but you have to be willing to do the work don't you? I mean, we still have to stick with the program where if you're not active, if you're not spending time on these dating apps, you're not going to get the results. So have you met, go ahead. So I was going to say, I feel like you may have had to have some like tough love conversations with people did that like on a different level,

It's a different level. I mean, listen, let's be really honest. I mean this, this time period in the universe is really difficult. And so, you know, there's lots of job losses. There's lots of, you know, family health issues and losses, there's friendship. You and I previously had talked about this on a different call, but like we're pruning friendships. We're pruning, you know, we're sort of paring down what we need in general. And it's a really stressful time of re-engineering our lives on a lot of levels. So, so yeah, you add in, I mean, dating is stressful, no matter why. And in the best of times, so you add in this layer, you kind of have to add in, if you want to meet someone and it's been a delicate dance, it really has. And it's been really a lot of handholding. I, you know, I'm part I'm part therapist. I'm partly cause I'm part, relationship, coach part spiritualist. And my role has really evolved in terms of really being that gentle reader for people because it's a really, really, it's a stressful time. So in some ways I've done a lot more handholding where I I'm talking to most clients almost every day, just maybe pet talks and just reminders be gentle with yourself because it's really, really easy on a good day to throw in Italian, like three people ghosted me, I'm out, forget it, this sucks. And it doesn't work. Right. So

I didn't see that happening where it's like, all right, we're dealing with COVID and I don't want to go and get a rapid quick test before I go out and meet someone. You know, I just feel like there's a lot of extra, everything's harder. Everything's harder right now.

Everything is harder. I just had a client call me yesterday and she's in LA. And she said she was sort of bantering with this guy. They had plans for a first date, like a socially distant walk. And he called and said, listen, I kissed someone last night and I don't want you to freak out, but I don't know. Maybe I should keep going down this path before I meet you, because I don't like, I don't, it's just a health issue. And so she called kind of freaking out. I mean, there's, it makes it harder. I mean, there's a lot of different layers to, to Wade through and think about, but I know most people wouldn't

Right. But so it's almost like a truth serum because before people were totally shady and not being truthful about really what they're doing and now they have to carry that on their conscience.

Yes. Yes. I mean, I have a really sick, yeah. I have a lot of clients who won't go on a date with someone unless they get COVID rapid test that day, you know, just before the date so that they just feel comfortable. And listen, if people are getting serious about getting serious, it's, that's not, that's not too tall than us. So that's happening quite a bit. It's the COVID test is a new STD test. So there you go. There you go.

I love that. That was in the article too. That was really great. But when it first went down where people, you know, running around and, and dating a million people or were they being super cautious and yeah,

It's gone the opposite way. The people were super freaked out and cautious and would barely even do a walk and talk with mass because we really, as we didn't know, we don't know much, but we certainly didn't know anything about the fires at the beginning. So people are really freaked out. And as, as things have evolved in terms of at least the new normal, even though covert is still in full swing, you know, there's this whole fake book effect happening where people are posting on social media, like it masks and socially dispense. Even if they're with a friend that's like 60 depart, but then on the download, they're like running around, making out with a ton of people and just dating as if they were normally sort of dating behind closed doors. So, you know, that's indicative of just the human condition and you can only take so much before you need that kind of connection. And people, many, many people are sort of dating on the down low sort of, you know, like they used to. So that's, that's also happening, right?

A lot of things are being exposed. I think we talked about that where, you know, people are, they can't, they can't have this affair that they were having before. Cause he hadn't lived at her house or like that guy who said, listen, I made out with someone last night and I don't want to be liable if you have say elderly compromised parents that you're seeing or whatever. So it's kind of interesting how this is definitely a different time for dating. And I don't think it's ever going to go back to being in the same.

It's interesting that it's hard to predict. It's really hard to predict once the vaccine is out and everyone feels comfortable with it. Who knows? I do think that I'm hoping that this part sticks where we are being introspective. We're really calibrating what our core values are. We're connecting on a deeper level. We're taking our time, the old fashioned way where we're not rushing it physically. We're sort of getting to know someone and asking all the right questions that matter to us. I'm hoping that those things stick because those are really meaningful. And I'm watching love bloom with so many people on a deeper level than it was before. So I think that even though this is a stressful, crazy time, there are some really beautiful gifts that are being born out of it.

I agree. And I think friendships are stronger. I think if you have a relationship or in a new relationship, you'll be stronger because you are cutting away all the things that don't matter. And you're focusing on what does and it's love. And I think with your advice and your coaching, people can just soar and find the love that they want. So thank you, Amy so much for taking us through this new normal of dating and inspiring us with your fabulous ideas and dating tips. So where can people find you or hire you to help them?

Thank you so much, Carrie. It's always so much fun being under show so people can find me on my website. That's the easiest cause my cell phone is there and my email is there and it's love amy.co CEO. So loving me co and that's it.

So, so great to talk to you today. Thanks again so much for being here. Thank you so much. And for now this week's Tinder tips in honor of today's guest Amy Novelli. I took this one from her Instagram story because I thought it was beautiful. Number one, every beautiful thing you say to someone becomes a part of them and you say something nice to one person today. It'll make a huge difference. Number two, believe in yourself. You'll be amazed at what you attract after you start believing in yourself and what you deserve. Number three, just keep going. This is a time for invention and reinvention. As you continue to move forward. Remember to always stay in the present moment while being grateful. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you'd like me to photograph you for your online dating profile DME, or email me about my shot above promotion. I'm Carrie Brett, and we'll see you next time.

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