Tis The Season To Swipe: Maximizing Mistletoe Moments With Dr. Christie Kederian

I am Carrie Brett , and this is Shot at Love. Today's guest is Dr. Christie Cadian , and she's a therapist, dating coach, and previous matchmaker. For eHarmony, finding Love is an art, yet there's science around chemistry. Knowledge is power, and when you implement specific strategies, you raise productivity and increase the opportunity for success. When online dating. In this week's episode, Dr. Chrissy , the Date Doctor will share insights from our holiday dating one-on-one program that teaches you how to navigate dating during the holidays. To find the one we come back, Dr. Chrissy will share how to optimize online and offline dating strategies that will help you find love during this holiday season and beyond. You won't wanna miss it, so stay tuned. Dr. Christie Cadian is a nationally renowned relationship expert, specializing in helping clients create the lives they want and find the love they deserve with an extensive career as a professional matchmaker and relationship expert. For eHarmony and match.com, Christy has helped hundreds of people find love and improve their relationships. She's a triple Trojan receiving her bachelor's , master's , and doctoral degree from the University of Southern California in Psychology and Marriage and Family Therapy. Christie has been a featured expert on A-B-C-N-B-C-K-T-L-A, the Wall Street Journal, Los Angeles Times Cosmopolitan, and many more. She's also a professional speaker and provides training with the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapist. So without further ado, it's my honor to welcome the date doctor to shot at Love today. Welcome, Dr. Christie Cadian . How are you?

Thank you. I'm doing so well. How are you ? Great.

Thanks so much for being here today. I'm really excited about the work that you do and your background is super impressive, and I know you're gonna have so much to share with all my listeners today. So yeah. So tell the listeners how you got inspired to study relationships, become a therapist or matchmaker, and now dating coach.

Yeah, so my story of just being fascinated with love and dating being started pretty early on, my , um, you know, parts of my identity are I'm Armenian , um, culturally and family marriage. They're really big institutions in our culture. So , um, when I went to , um, college and started studying psychology, I was really fascinated by marriage and family therapy, which is my background. And basically it's a study of how relationships impact who we are as people. And that really made a lot of sense to me , um, with my cultural background, my faith background , um, just as a Christian relationships being really foundational to being a mirror and telling us about ourselves. So became fascinated with marriage and family therapy. And then around five years into my work as a therapist, I , um, was approached around this opportunity to work at eHarmony as a matchmaker and dating coach , um, with a team of therapists. And so that really started my personal and professional journey to , um, learning and helping people with online dating. So , um, the day I started working at eHarmony, I downloaded an app myself as a single person and went on about a five year journey to eventually finding my husband online , um, and then also just helping hundreds of people find love through online dating and offline dating strategies as a matchmaker.

So now you had my dream job, which is working for some of these dating apps. I just am fascinated with the dating apps in general, and that's where I found love and I just know that they work if you stay with it. What were some of the best things you learned when you worked at eHarmony?

I love that question. So one of the things that I just was so fascinated by and, you know, after I worked at eHarmony, I got my doctorate and just became a nerd basically about the science of love. I think oftentimes in pop culture, in movies and tv we hear, we just see the art of love, you know, the meet cute , the moment where two people connect, and that is seen as like a big moment for us. And in working at eHarmony, the science and the research really fascinated me, and I was so surprised to hear so many of the things that I thought about love not necessarily being backed up by science. So that's what became, that's what made me really passionate about learning about research and how we can use that to help people find compatible matches and ultimately that long lasting love they're looking for that's beyond just chemistry,

Right? So there is a science to the art of finding love and mm-Hmm. <affirmative> , the one thing that eHarmony does is they have this list of 29 things that make people compatible Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . Can you , can you talk about how you use some of those things on that list as a dating coach?

Yeah, great question. So they've actually expanded it , um, recently to 32 dimensions in compatibility. Um, but one of the things that I love about the algorithm that's used at eHarmony is that we're looking through the lens of things that are similar, often are the things that create successful relationships. We often say opposites attract, but a lot of times we're looking for similarities in really important ways. Um, and we see that through research, that those are the couples that really last and have happy relationships. So the similarities here are around values background , uh, that includes like financial background, educational background , um, emotional temperament, co how you handle conflict. All of these things are measured to , um, connect you with someone who's compatible. Sometimes we're attracted to someone who's opposite from us because we think they have something that we don't have, and it would be a shortcut to getting this , um, character trait that we kind of aspire to have. But often it's the more similar couples that can grow together in more meaningful ways because they understand each other in those important ways.

Okay. So did you think about that list when you found love?

Yeah, great question. So for me , um, well, it was kind of an interesting story and , and for me is because our , um, my husband and I, our families kind of knew each other early on, but the dating app is really what connected us to each other because we would've never met, we both moved back , um, to our hometowns after college. And that's really , um, the app kind of put each other, put us in each other's paths, even though we were always, you know, kind of in the same area as living within a five mile radius of each other. Um, but a lot of the things, and I use the Enneagram a lot in my , uh, coaching program, and my husband and I are the same Enneagram type. And it's kind of interesting because a lot of, we're different in really in several ways, but we're very similar in really important ways. And I think this makes us , um, really understand each other and see each other's points of view because we often have the same <laugh> , um, you know, struggles, the same core desires and core fears, and we're working towards the same vision for our future together. And I think that really helped to connect us. I would say our personality. He's very like, extroverted life of the party, and I can be a little bit more reserved , um, than him. And so some of those things are different, but I think in the core ways we're really similar and that helps us really get each other.

Okay. So your story is very interesting, actually, to me, <laugh> , because you were working, you were working as a matchmaker, so you were trying to find love for other people as well as yourself. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> , yes . And I just think that's funny. And I, and it must have been a wild time. And I know that you went through five years mm-Hmm . <affirmative> trial and error and heartbreak, but all , all those setbacks gave you the information I would assume that you use today to help others.

Exactly.

What was your single life like when you were a matchmaker?

Yeah, it's such a great question. And when I was a matchmaker, a lot of my colleagues were single as well. And it was interesting because we would just get an inside scoop, but it would be really challenging to go on dates for our clients essentially during the day, and then at night have the motivation to do the same for ourselves. And then also to kind of taking off that professional hat and looking more , uh, just being a person. And dating was also kind of challenging. I think as a therapist and a matchmaker, it's kind of two layers of knowing a lot about potential red flags and a lot about, you know, things that we should be looking out for the worst case scenario, so to speak, in dating. So it took a lot of work to kind of separate myself from how can I use these thi this knowledge that I know in positive ways , um, but not let it really hamper me and handicap me in negative ways. So I would say the motivation to date for myself was really challenging. It was also really challenging when people would hear what I did for a living <laugh> . Um, and so that was really interesting too. But I think overall, all my experience really helps me to have that lived experience and not just speaking as a professional or therapist or researcher. I'm speaking as someone who was single and I, you know, my clients is like me a a few years ago, <laugh> . So I really get the struggle that they have and that I think helps me to , um, have empathy and really like on the ground advice as well as the research background.

Right? Right. Because you can have the data, you can have the science, you can have the research, but unless you have the lived experience, you just don't know. And so, exactly For me, I wrote an online dating masterclass, and I did that in every module is personal experience of me in the trenches of Tinder.

Yeah .

<laugh> . And what I learned, and it was really difficult. And one of the things that happened to me was I would end up in these mini relationships that would last for about three months and it would fall apart because they were, they were not interested in a long-term relationship. Mm-Hmm . And so mm-Hmm . Yeah. So that's like the red flags that they tell you. I always say men tell you in 90 seconds or less what they want and where they're at. Mm-Hmm . And women don't listen and make excuses.

<laugh> <laugh> . Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Yeah. I totally agree with that. And I think that it's sometimes hard because especially when you first meet , if you have a lot of physical chemistry that can really cloud your judgment often of feeling like you know something or you see something, but you don't really want to see it. So I always say, I think this is a quote that I heard once , um, that advice is something that you ask for when you know the answer, but you don't want to know the answer. Right. And I think that's true of a lot of people around the dating journey. Most of the time we have a sense , um, you know, like Maya Angelou says, when someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time. Mm . So I think sometimes we have that sense, it's just hard , um, to accept it. And also we have, we sometimes fall into that scarcity mentality, like, oh, what if there's no one else <laugh> ? So we try to make something work, even if they give us the signs that they don't want that long term commitment.

Right, right. I know, I re I can remember one of my girlfriends texting me back saying, I have the answer that you, that you're looking for, but I don't know that you'll hear it.

Mm mm-Hmm.

<affirmative> or wanna hear it because it's not what you wanna hear. And I remember thinking it was so kind that she was so honest, but it was so brutal at the time. Yeah. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . But , but I needed to hear that. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> you talk about being discouraged in online dating and, and you know, what that feels like, because like you said, you did it for five years.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> .

Would you, what would , how would you advise people as far as being selective? Do you find women judgemental or are they optimistic and open?

Yeah, that's a great question. So when I teach me dating blueprint, one of the components of it is noticing your attachment style. And one of the ways that you, one of the early signs, you can tell what type of attachment style that you have. So if you're anxiously attached or avoidantly attached is by your swiping patterns. So for someone who's avoidant, everything is a red flag. So they just are not even matching with people because they're just like, oh, you know, I don't like his style or whatever. You're making any excuse under the ascent, under the sun because you're afraid to open up, you're afraid to get hurt, you're afraid of the messy and the imperfections. Um, and if you're anxiously attached, you're just so searching for a connection that you overlook everything that is a red flag. So if you're anxiously attached, nothing's a red flag. You're swiping everyone, you're talking to so many people, you can't even keep straight who you're telling what to. So when you notice kind of one pattern or the other in yourself, you can then start doing the work of understanding, okay, where is this behavior coming from and how can I correct it? So I am being able to tolerate uncertainty, saying, okay, maybe that's something I need to explore a little bit more because more of a yellow flag, but it's worth giving it a shot. And where are you willing? And if you're anxiously attached to say, okay, like that's really not gonna work for me. That's really not what I want. I care about myself and my standards more than I care about just being with anyone.

Okay. That's , that's interesting. So when you coach people to find the right one, I would imagine you're really good with the matchmaking experience to sift through non-qualified leads.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Yeah, exactly. So what I teach is , um, what I call the criteria sandwich. So what you're looking for is kind of a combination of your deal breakers, things that you would like to have and your , um, must haves . So basically, if you think about it in this way, the sandwich analogy is you go to subway. So you have your bottom bun , you don't want it to be too thick 'cause you don't wanna carb load , um, yourself. So there's only, you know , a few major deal breakers that are your bottom bun . Then in the middle you can put as many things as you want, as you want. In the subway sandwich, you know, the meat, the lettuce, banana , peppers , as many like to have haves as you would like. And then the top one is the must haves . So it's also thinner. There's like two to three things that are really important to you. And then what I do is help people identify those top one criteria and swipe in a way that basically helps you know if very clearly if they're a yes or a no. So let's say your top end criteria is that there's a certain faith background. If anyone, you see someone's profile, even if it looks great or you know, they seem really interesting or whatever, you're not swiping right because they don't meet your top end criteria. Or let's say , you know , you want someone who wants kids, you're setting your filters so you're not even seeing people who don't want kids. So you're not even giving yourself the option to settle for what you don't want by um, using, I call this, you know, the top end criteria, a silver bullet swipe. It's like the thing that you're going to allow it to be put yes or no. And it's gonna be pretty clear from that point on, you're gonna explore other things about the person, but you at least know that they match that main thing that you're looking for.

Okay. So you really encourage people to focus in on the silver bullet, the main thing , the main quality that you're looking for in another person. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . And you talk about putting on soul focused glasses.

<laugh>. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Yeah . I love that soulmate. Yeah. Soulmate sunglasses. <laugh>.

That's great. That's great. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . I think women in particular spend so much time putting the focus on being perfect and being what somebody else wants versus really focusing on what they want.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>.

And I think that's a problem.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Yeah. It's so true. I think sometimes we just want, especially if you're anxiously attached, you just want that approval more than you want someone to just accept you for who you are. And you think that if you are who you are, they're not gonna accept you. And that's such a wrong way to live because you're going to end up being resentful that you can't be yourself around whoever you're with. And once you start asserting your needs and who you are, it's going to shift that dynamic of the relationship and the relationship probably is not gonna work out.

Right. So people get really frustrated and overwhelmed with the amount of time that it takes to be actively participant on these dating apps. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . And one of the things that you have as your tip or principles is when it comes to time management, you have five message to me. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . I think that's really smart. I love that. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> .

Yeah. So basically a lot of the women I work with, they're successful, they're busy, they honestly don't have time, and they get so discouraged when they invest so much of their time , uh, in something that doesn't end up working out. So the five messages to meet , uh, method is basically breaking down the process. Once someone meets your silver bullet swipe and they're a match, you should only be exchanging five messages before you get on. I usually train a FaceTime first and then a date. But before you're on a date, before you're on FaceTime, you should really just wanna clarify a few things through the messages. And most of that chemistry and connection you want to happen and see on the FaceTime, first of all, you're gonna protect yourself from anyone who's catfishing you or a scammer or whatever. And second of all, you're going to just notice, you know, if they're conversational, are they asking you questions back? Um, are they, you know , um, they seem somewhat like normal. They meet your top one criteria, then you wanna transition so that you can really get to know them. I'm a firm believer that chemistry does not happen over messaging, and you're not looking for a pen pal, you're looking for a partner. So getting off the messages is gonna save you so much time and energy , um, and keep you from being discouraged about dating. Right.

Well it's just a really effective use of time and I love that you encourage people to use FaceTime or you could use, you know, like a Zoom screener date Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> to move along to the date that way. Right . The person looks like the pictures or that they are who they say they are. Right.

Exactly. Yeah. And, and even some of the apps have this built into their app already. So you don't necessarily have to, you know, do a Zoom or FaceTime. And I always recommend, sometimes people feel a lot of ways about the FaceTime, you know, it doesn't have to be a long thing. Could just be a quick check-in or 15 minute. If a guy is really resistant to that, I would kind of question that because in today's day and age, you know, safety and all of that, they should be open to just having a quick FaceTime chat. <laugh> , they're not, I'd be a little bit suspicious. Right,

Right. I see. I don't like to get on video, but I think it's a generational thing. Mm-Hmm .

Because mm-Hmm . Yeah, potentially.

But I would, I can see why people, you really can't tell if there's gonna be chemistry by a phone call.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Yeah. Definitely not. And a phone call. You also can't still tell what they look like <laugh> on the phone call. So , um, you know, they could still be catfishing you if you, if you have a phone call. So that's why I recommend the , the FaceTime. Right.

The dating apps work and 80% of people who met in 2020 met on a dating app. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . So that is really encouraging and it seems like it's a really good time to be out there and Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> I dated through the holiday season many times. I've got , I've gone on dates, went on a date on Thanksgiving once, I went on a date on December 22nd, and then went on a date on Christmas Eve and New Year's Eve. So Nice. Yeah. I mean, it was a little crazy, but I did it. So it's all about your attitude and I know people hate being single during the holidays, so, and , and you know that as well. So you are inspired to develop this holiday 1 0 1 program. Can you tell me about that? How great would it be to find the love of your life, the man of your dreams? Do you believe online dating would work if you had the right tools to be successful? Well , I have exciting news. I've created your best shot at Love Masterclass. I cannot wait to share with you what's worked for me and my life and for many of my clients that have helped over the years. If you enroll in this class, you have a winning mindset and believe in getting help before you start something new. If you're ready to see changes in your dating life and wanna take action, check out my free webinar@shotatlove.co. If you decide you're going to choose another path that you're worth it and you're willing to enroll in the masterclass, you can also register@shotatlove.co. I designed this masterclass specifically for you to be successful. Please know that everything you're going to learn in these nine modules and six coaching calls has been carefully curated for you, so you can gain the success you truly want. I will be there for you the whole time. In the meantime, I wish you all the success and I can't wait to hear about your story of Finding Love. I'm Carrie Brett and I will be your mentor and friend through this incredible journey.

Sure. So, the holiday dating 1 0 1, I basically was sharing with people about how to date during the holidays and not give up. I connected with my husband on Christmas Eve. So similar to you, I'm a firm believer that you can definitely find love during the holidays, but you just wanna keep , um, a few things in mind and you still wanna protect yourself from people who are just cuffing <laugh>. As many people know what that means in cuffing season, people are just looking for someone to connect with because the holidays and the cold weather, depending on where you live in the country, really make you want to connect with people and they might not be interested in that long-term . Um , commitment. So the Holiday 1 0 1 , um, training that I did was basically focused on helping you navigate the holidays , um, while you're on dating apps. And part of that is staying on the apps , uh, connecting with people over FaceTime. If you're not able to meet in person during the holidays, a lot of times people have more time than ever during the holidays, so you think like, oh, everyone's busy. But really they're , most of them are just going to their home, wherever that is and having a lot of downtime more than they do when they're working. So this is a really great time to stay connected to people and have those space times and don't let the momentum die during the holidays of dating. 'cause you just honestly never know in that time. But you might think, okay, I'm just gonna take it off. And from the dating apps and wallow in self-pity and watch Hallmark movies <laugh> , if that might be the best time to meet somebody.

Right. I agree. I think people have free time and it's a time when people take stock of their lives.

Exactly. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> and realize, you know, what's really important, they're back with their families. Maybe other people in their families are with, you know, have partners or children. So they might be in more Mi family mindset while they're, you know , at home

If you're single and and you have some time go on these dating apps and instead of watching love actually, you know , <laugh> throw in something sparkly and go out and there are people going out Covid , <laugh> , there's still things happening. So I just say, go for it and, and be on those dating apps. And you never know who you're gonna meet in the beginning of January. I think the, the numbers go up, I think 30% in the beginning. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> of the New Year. So this is definitely a time to date.

Yeah, I completely agree. January 2nd is the , um, or the Sunday after New Year's Eve is the highest dating day. They call it dating Sunday <laugh> . Right, right. So you wanna be on an app because the people, especially if your complaint is, oh, I keep seeing the same people over and over again , um, then you definitely wanna be on app . 'cause there's gonna be new people, <laugh>,

There will be new people, and it's, it's like waves, I used to say like, waves of men come in and every day is a different game.

Exactly.

So just go for it. So with your experience as a matchmaker, you have a knack for finding people. What advice for dating through the holidays would you have about, say, making plans for New Year's Eve or just getting out there?

Yeah, so really what I would say is stay consistent. Block out , you know, sometime every day could be just five minutes to swipe on an app that you feel like shows you the most quality matches. One of the things that I call is like dating app burnout is because we're on way too many a , uh, apps and they're not all giving us quality people that, so usually the test I say is if you've been on an app for two weeks and you don't see, doesn't mean you don't match. See one person that you feel like you could like , um, then try a different app. So don't just, you know, try keep trying to beat a dead horse on an app that's not working for you. Um, I would definitely try to go to some offline , um, in person type of connectors. A lot of my clients have been going to some , um, single and mingle type of events. Uh, take one friend with you, don't take four <laugh> . And , um, just stay open to connecting and exploring those in-person connections as well. And the , the number one key is really consistency. So it's similar. I use the analogy all the time of like, you know, fitness and getting in shape. If you showed up at the gym one day, you're like, all right , I'm gonna get a six pack today and you're there for six hours. Like, you're not gonna get a six pack and you're gonna get injured probably and burnt out and not able to go again tomorrow. But if you take it chunk by chunk, day by day, just a little bit at a time, then eventually you're gonna get there. So it's the same with dating. If you decide, okay, this month I'm going to meet the person and I'm gonna download every single dating app, I'm gonna talk to a million people and go on 50 dates, then you're gonna get burnt out and it's gonna keep you from staying in it for the long haul . You know, you're looking for a long-term relationship. You gotta be able to stick with it through the long haul.

Right. I agree with you. So dating apps, how successful you are is what you put into it. It's like anything in life. And so mm-Hmm , <affirmative> , that's great that you encourage your clients to build daily habits, like going to the gym and the consistency is key for sure. Yes, exactly . And if you're having, if you're not having luck, I love that tip then. And you're not finding somebody then shake it up and try a different dating app.

Exactly. There's new ones popping up all the time, <laugh>. I

Bet. I bet. So in your holiday dating 1 0 1 webinar, you talk about three major roadblocks that keep you from finding love. What do you think is some of the biggest obstacles that trip women up most, would you say?

Yeah. So the first thing that I say is really your mindset. During the holidays, a lot of nostalgia comes up oftentimes, and the first step in my , um, coaching program is to really become single in your mind. We're operating oftentimes , um, out of beliefs from past relationships. Our ex made us feel like we're not good enough. So we're always going into things not feeling good enough or feeling like we too much, so we're going in kind of making our needs and ourselves too small. Um , so it's really about mindset and it's really about you think that you're the problem, but really it's your mindset that's the problem. So we have to do some of that deeper healing for forgive yourself for any mistakes you felt that you made in the past so that you can really trust yourself moving forward. Um, the second obstacle is matching strategy. So people have a strategy for everything else in life. You know, if you wanna buy a home, if you wanna invest, if you want to , um, you know, get fit, you're gonna work with a trader , you're gonna have a strategy. You're not just gonna go wing it, but too often people think they can just download an app and start winging it. So <laugh> , you need a strategy, and that's what I teach in my program. And then the third is , um, that I really teach is like the process of meeting someone. So it's like the pacing of dates, when to ask what questions, what types of dates to go on to really learn about someone's character. All of those things are really important because sometimes people will be in, you know, these dating situations for a really long time and not have those deeper, more important questions answered. And so we , um, we provide in my program the 10 dates to soulmate roadmap . So really , um, we believe that within those 10 dates or two months, you should be in an exclusive relationship with someone, or it shouldn't work out. So you shouldn't be in any, oh, I've been, we've been dating six months. I, I don't know if we're exclusive situation . So we really teach that. And so those are typically the three roadblocks we see that get in the way for , um, women finding love.

Okay. That's great. Well, that's so true because how many people do you know that have wasted six months or a year and they allow it, so it's really Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> important to have control over your own destiny and I don't Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> , I don't think a lot of people understand that they're equally participant in allowing something to continue a lot longer than it should.

Exactly. Yeah. I always say there's two things . There's things that are, are in your control in dating and things that aren't in your control. And things that aren't in your control is like timing. When the right person walks into your life and chemistry, you really can't control. If you have chemistry with someone, you can't force it or fake it. Um, but things that you can control is your own effort, your own intentions, and your own inner work. And so we're focusing on those things is really gonna help you with the parts you can't control.

Right. And , and, and some other things that are in your control is your mindset and your attitude. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. And do you believe you can find love ,

Find Exactly. Yeah. And having that positive mindset is then going to lead to positive action and taking, you know, having your own sense of agency around your love life, like you said. Right. Not just letting things happen to you.

Right. And not going into that victim mentality when things get hard. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> because it's gonna get hard. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> and you just can't give up. And if you give up, then you are certainly gonna have no results. <laugh> . So .

Right.

So

It's exactly.

So that's why I think this episode's motivating. It's, it's good. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> because we both found love online, it can happen and it's happening.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative>. Yeah.

So some of the other things you teach in this holiday dating 1 0 1 is how to optimize online and offline dating strategies during the holidays. What would Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> either a online or offline strategy be?

Yeah. So one strategy with online dating that I always recommend is that if you're looking for a long-term relationship, as much as you want to, you know , um, put a picture with you in the, like sexy Sienna costume from Halloween, don't do that. If you're looking for a long-term relationship, a lot of people during this time, while many are looking for long-term relationships, a lot of people are in, you know, the cuffing season stage, just looking for something casual or just to, you know, get through these months. So you're not gonna track the right type of energy if you're leading with those sorts of photos. So as cute as you might look, <laugh> , take those off , uh, your profile. And then one offline strategy I really recommend is going to an event that , um, you would enjoy going to whether you met someone there or not. Oftentimes with offline dating , people feel like, oh, I'm just gonna go there because I think there might be single people, but it's not really aligned with something you're interested in. And you really don't think you'd have fun there unless you met someone. Um, and that I think is a surefire way to get discouraged and give up. So I always say like, go to something that with one friend that you feel like, oh, this would be fun. Like even if we never, even if we don't meet someone there, because it's gonna be a win-win if you meet someone, great. If you don't, great. You had a great time.

Right. But at least you're putting yourself out there and

Exactly.

You're pushing the momentum forward and Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> what I always tell people, because I use this in my business building, my photography business is fake it until you make it. And I know that you Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> that you say that as well. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> . And I think that's interesting to me because I've heard people say like, I don't like the fake it till you make it. I'm like, well, I think the the fake it till you make it attitude changes up the playing field.

Totally. Yeah. And I think some people, you know, your feelings sometimes lie to you. So <laugh> , you gotta give yourself some time and not let your mind saab sabotage it. And part of that is the fake it until you make it. If you convince yourself and you're change your thoughts, if you just choose a different thought, you could choose a different life. So we really have to stay in that positive mindset. And like you mentioned before, the thing that I tell all my clients is, the only way you're not the only surefire way you're not gonna find love is if you give up. So that's all about your mindset and mentality. Um , that's the a hundred percent sure way that you're not gonna find someone is if you just give up and never talk to anyone again, <laugh>. Right,

Right. So another thing that I think is, well, I know because I've helped a lot of people find love and I found this information out myself, that your success has to do so much with the photographs that you choose, whether it's the leading photograph or the secondary images and how you present yourself online. Mm-Hmm.

<affirmative>.

So have you seen that with the people that you've helped when you know Yeah. Putting out great photographs?

Yeah, a hundred percent. So I love that you're a photographer. <laugh> , I always recommend , um, people take professional or semi-professional photos. Um, if they, if if they come to me and they have the excuse, oh, I don't have good photos, I'm like, do you want to find love <laugh> ? Right. You need to get good photos. Like, I don't, I don't care if it's inconvenient, it costs them money. Um, you know, photos are really, they do say more than a thousand words on a dating app. So , um, if they don't have good photos, if they don't have recent photos, I don't let my clients get away with building profiles off of, you know, 10-year-old photos. So that's an , that's kind of the number one thing I usually recommend the first shot , um, to be, you know , smiling kind of a mid body , um, at least one full body photo and you know, all the basic rules, no sunglasses, no frowning , um, no super far away photos, all of that sort of thing.

Right. And I like how you said like, even if you think that's like super cute, like lose a Santa Hat or <laugh> Yeah . Or that Halloween costume because people won't take you seriously, unfortunately. Mm-Hmm.

<affirmative> . Exactly. Yeah. They just won't,

You just really have to present well Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> and it will open more doors. Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> and it's competitive. Mm-Hmm . So play to win . Yeah .

Mm-Hmm . Yeah . Yeah . Win . Yeah, win . Exactly. Especially, and you know, when I worked in matchmaking, I worked all over with people all over the country and internationally and, you know, a lot of places are a lot more image focused , bigger cities , um, you know, certain areas of the country. So you , you really cannot get away with like one photo or photos that don't clearly show what you look like. Um, and it's all about building confidence. Like I've worked with a lot of people that they don't have that confidence. They feel insecure of their body , so they would just avoid putting photos or full body photos , um, because they felt afraid that they wouldn't match with people. I had one client that went through that during Covid and I just encouraged her. She got some nice photos taken and she got more matches than she did when she was trying to hide herself. So I think it's all about just allowing yourself get , not get taking yourself out of the game, like giving yourself the full chance to find love. And if someone doesn't love you for who you are, whether it be plus 15, 20 pounds, whatever it is, then they're not for you.

Right. And it's also when you make that investment to get professional head shots , you're investing in your future and you're setting Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> the bar high and you're exactly telling the universe, I'm pulling this in like now. Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> .

Exactly.

I'm done with this. And mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . And when I photograph people, I'm able to make them look and feel so good about themselves that they Mm-Hmm . <affirmative> find the inner beauty within themselves that they've lost.

I love that. So that's so beautiful. Yeah.

So it's like a real reset.

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> . Yeah. It's so important for people. And honestly, I found after people take those photos, that confidence , um, bleeds into their dating life as well. So it's really awesome to see that. Yeah.

So I love that you promote the importance of the photograph too. So , Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> , that makes me happy as a photographer. <laugh> .

Yes.

So now my last question is, what painful lesson did you learn during dating, during your dating journey? Or what do you think the biggest mistake you see people make?

Yeah. So I would say the biggest mistake that I've made and I've seen people make, is staying too long in things that they know aren't a good fit for them because they're afraid that there's not gonna be better out there. Um, so this is one of the reasons that, you know, in my roadmap , you basically get to know the root of so many issue , you know, so many different issues about someone's past relationships, their family dynamics, you know, their vision for the future, their values. You're asking all these questions before you're exclusive, before you're in. Um, you know, that relationship because what I've found is people get emotionally invested pretty quickly and then they're willing to overlook a lot of things that they would've never allowed before. So protect yourself and allow those levels of connection to move simultaneously. So don't get too emotionally invested . Don't get too physically , um, intimate with someone before you've already developed the other types of connection enough so that you're able to see really clearly if someone's a good fit for you and just, you know, move on, clean break , um, you know, there's plenty of people out there, but don't stay stuck and change the things that aren't good for you.

I love that. That's great. Great advice. And it's so true. If you don't know where you stand in two months time, like you said

Mm-Hmm. <affirmative> ,

Don't be afraid to move on because

Exactly.

Because men will lock it down.

Mm-Hmm, <affirmative> . Yeah. It's so true. Yeah. And by that time, you should have all your questions answered. You shouldn't feel like, oh, I can't ask certain questions 'cause I don't want them, you know, to, to think I'm whatever. But the truth is, you want to, you, you need to get your needs met, you need to get your questions answered, and you need to know if you wanna be with someone, you wanna see if you wanna be with them, not be so afraid that they don't wanna be with you, which I think is a big , um, issue that a lot of women deal with. Right.

So true. Well, this was amazing. I was so excited to have you today. You were fabulous. So people need to find out more about you. Where should they go on social media?

Thanks so much, Carrie . This is so fun for me too. So yeah, I mostly hang out on Instagram , um, at the date, Dr . Christie , and you can go to my website, therapy for dating.com. Uh , we also have a free, which dating app is right for you guide. So I'm sure we'll give that to you in the show notes as well. But you can find that on my website as well.

Perfect. Awesome. Yeah . Well, I loved connecting and having you today. And yeah, stay in touch, <laugh> . I love your work. Me ,

You too. I know, I'd love to stay in touch. Have a happy holiday. Yeah,

You too. Thanks again. Okay ,

Thanks.

And for now, this week's shot at Love Dating Tips, which are inspired by our guests , Dr. Christie Cadian . Number one, be as open-minded as possible and be flexible. Look for someone who can roll with the punches. That way they'll be by your side as you navigate the ups and downs of life. Number two, the number one way you won't meet someone is if you quit. So keep trying date with an open heart and you will find that person. Number three, when dating, there are things you can control and things you can't focus on, what you can control, like your personal development, investment of time, and staying optimistic during the process. Number four, many assume they're in a relationship when they're still in the discovering process. Until you get a commitment, keep dating other people. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what Shot At Love is here for, to help you find love, keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. And if you like this show, please subscribe and leave a five star review. I'm Carrie Brett , and we'll see you next time.