Unstoppable Power Of Letting Go With Big Wild Love Author Jill Sherer Murray

I'm Carrie Brett, and this is shot at love. The first motivational show around online dating today's episode is about love and the art of letting go or is this week's guest, Jill, Sharon Marie would say, but go for it to find that big, wild love, which is the title of her new book. The subtitle of big wild love is the unstoppable power of letting go, which was inspired by a Ted talk. She did about ending a 12 year relationship. It's all about getting unstuck self-love and finding the strength to go for it. Jill is passionate, funny, understanding and has made a huge impact on almost 3 million people. And I know she'll make a big wild impact today. You won't want to miss it. So stay tuned today. It's my honor to introduce Jill shear. Marie Jill is a Ted X speaker, author blogger and founder of let go for it. A lifestyle brand dedicated to helping individuals let go for a better life. She's also a journalist and life coach who provides women with a roadmap, the tools we need to find ourselves and love successfully. Jill's new fabulous book. Big wild love is an empowering guide. And I'm obsessed with this book and binged it on audible in one day. It's truly a life-changing book. I wish I had this book when I struggled to overcome my heartbreak. If you feel stuck in any way run, don't walk in, buy this book and without further ado, welcome to the podcast, Jill.

Oh my gosh. Carrie, I'm so happy to be here and I'm listening to you go through that intro and I, I have such a big smile on my face because it's so lovely. And um, I still appreciate it and I love the whole big wild impact. And it's just, it's just so fun to say big wild anything, right?

Because you bring the big wild wherever you go.

Exactly. It's just so great. So thank you for having me. It's it's just delightful to be here. And I really looking forward to talking with you on your fabulous podcast.

So amazing to have you here. We both are interviewed for our friend Jordan Rich's podcast on the mic, and it's no coincidence that our podcasts are back to back, which out of almost 200 podcasts I'm episode one, five, six, and your episode one, five, five, no question. This was fate that we connected because our relationship history is so similar relationships and lessons may not be the same, but we were both profoundly changed by what we learned. And I know you don't say yes to everyone. So, um, I was so excited when you wrote me back and I knew it was worth a shot. Okay.

Yes.

We're compelled to help inspire others. And let's, let's do this podcast. So let's start from the beginning. Let's talk about this Ted talk. It's so powerful. I cried. What made you get up there and talk about your dating failures? Um, I know it's something I would love to do, but I know it's not on everyone's bucket list.

I know, right. I know. I, I laugh. I joke about it. I'm like who else would get up and talk about their just monstrous dating fails, right, exactly. Well, exactly. You know, I mean, honestly I wish that, well, first of all, I wish that I, I always say that I wish that when I was going through all of my struggles in that relationship, that there would have been more people getting up on stages and talking about their dating failures, you know, because that would have been highly instructive for me and probably for so many other people. And I mean, back then, you know, I'm dating myself now, but you know, we didn't have, you know, a phone that we could just pull out of the back of our pocket and see some strange person on a stage talking about what in that moment was so deeply affecting and meaningful for us. And I think, you know, I got up on that stage. Well, first of all, I, I have always been obsessed with Ted. I love the fact that I can watch all these amazing, talented, brilliant people from all over the world at, you know, at the tip of my fingers and how without that proxy arm, there's just no way I would have ever had access to any of these people or any of their amazing ideas and their creativity. And, you know, I've just been ostracized by Ted in general, over the years. And always as a writer and a speaker, I always thought, you know, gosh, I'd really love to give a Ted talk. And then somebody that I loved very deeply died and I never thought this person would die as young as they did as quickly as they did in the way that they did. And I felt very jarred by that. And I thought to myself, um, it really forced me to kind of imagine my own life and what that would be like for me, if I had only a short amount of time, which then kind of drove home, the realization, the things that we all know very logically to be true, which is that none of us is here forever. Um, but then, you know, we don't really take that into consideration as we find ourselves stuck in places where we really don't want to be. And so I fought, it had like a new found sense of urgency around, you know, letting go the things that weren't serving me in my own life. But in also saying to the people that I seen around me with, and I say no judgment, because we are all having the same shared experience, which is like, you're wasting time here. You know, you're wasting time here, right? We don't have all the time in the world. And I just, I just wanted to get up on that stage. And when we talk about what that meant and talk about some of the ways that I had learned to be able to let go as a daily practice, almost because it really, you know, we, we are letting go every day, whether we're conscious of it or not. It's just what we as human beings do. Naturally, as we evolve through change, as we get older, you know, we're shedding things, we're always releasing things, but we're not really paying attention to that when there are things in our lives that are really keeping us mired down. So I wanted to get up on that stage and really talk about, you know, what it meant to let go. And I started that talk with a story about love and relationships. And, you know, I always say, like I thought three people would watch that talk. My mother, my father and me, I was amazed when I started to hear from people all over the world. And even in countries, I can't even pronounce right. Coming back to me with, I'm stuck in this relationship, I'm stuck here. I'm stuck in this feeling that I'll never find a relationship. I'm stuck in a relationship with someone good. I'm stuffing a relationship with someone bad. I don't understand why I can't find my way to the relationships that I want. And so the whole idea of letting go inside of relationships became very prominent and the way that I started to work with people and help them think about letting go, although letting go is something that can certainly transcend relationships and go into other areas of our lives. But this is where, you know, there's so many people in the world who are stuck in love and relationships, and they know, they know deep in their heart of hearts, that this is not the place for them, right. As I did for 12 years, that this was not ever going to be a situation that was going to get me to where I want it to go. Right. But we stay, we stay for so many really human reasons, but we stay. And yes, when I got up on that top and did that talk and just so many things happen and so much change happened for me in terms of the trajectory of my life and my career and my purpose that it was really, it was pretty trans. It was a pretty big Rite of passage actually on top of being just an incredibly fun and amazing experience. Overall, anybody out there wants to get a Ted talk. I highly encourage it cause it was just a phenomenal experience. But anyway, that's why

No, no. As a photographer, I've pick up on body language. Like every breath, every moment of that TedTalk is so raw and vulnerable and that's your truth. And that takes an awful lot to put it all out there to almost 3 million people and to have a Ted talk like rock me to cry. That's, that's, there's a lot of us out there. There really is. And for, for me, I felt so compelled to do this podcast and to help other people that it was like, no, no, I'm doing this. I don't care. I have to do this. I felt like it was bigger than me and I, and I felt a real urgency of time. Just like how you felt that when you lost. And I assume you're talking about Hector, that that was a big, that was a big thing to overcome. And I felt such an urgency. And I got the podcast out two weeks before the pandemic. And that's when loneliness amplified more than ever. And so your book is so profound and on-point, and so what the world needs right now that I will do anything and everything to promote it and tell everyone to get it because I've listened to it like three times now. So I'm an Uber fan, but

You're so lovely. You know, I really appreciate that. Terry, I have to tell you, because I do have people that reach out to me and may say what you just said, I've watched your talk. I had some people who say, I've watched her talk every night. I have some people who say, I've read your books three, four or five times. It's on my bedside. I keep going back to it. In fact, my own brother, um, read my book and he read it several times and then created his own changes as a result of the book, which was so incredibly meaningful and powerful for me. You know, I, I really believe, I wish I've always been a pretty outgoing person. Um, it's interesting. I always call myself an extroverted introvert. So I'm a writer at heart. I love to be alone in a room and be creative and write and do my work, but always been someone who's been pretty open about kind of the truth of my life. Like, you know, when I'm feeling lonely in relationship or I'm making bad choices. I mean, I don't feel that there's any shame in that. I feel like, you know, this is, we're all on this. We're all in this evolution. You know, we don't, we don't start out in life knowing all the right answers. We don't start out. As people are young women in our teens and our twenties and thirties and forties means life is a process of growth and, and self-reflection and bad choices. And we can't, we can't know truly who we are and what we want and how to ever let go of the things that are dragging us down until we do make those bad choices. And we do try different things. And we do come to learn more about who we are and what matters to us. I didn't think about getting up on that stage and, you know, getting on that stage had me full weight in service. Wasn't me, you know, being out there was not about how I felt, what I felt about what I was saying per se, in terms of I have shame around this. I didn't feel that I, I don't, I felt like I had this experience that I can't possibly be alone here. And I feel like there's so much to learn that I, that I want to be able to be useful and to help people. And it's getting up and sharing some of my darkest moments helps other people to find their way out of their own. Right. Then I'm all, I'm all down for it because I do believe you're all having the same shared experience. I joke with my girlfriend. I'm like, as you get older, I mean, the hair removal process is torture. You know, how many people are talking about that. But then at the same time, I find like, everybody's like, Oh, I got at the same time in chorus, you know, yes, I need, we are all going through the same thing. We're not, you know, and so I feel like the only way that we can understand, or just better for herself is to talk about these things is to be honest about what's happening for us. And what I love about some of what I'm seeing at least in this moment is, you know, especially as we move into this next generation of social media where we're no longer just putting all the pretty pictures out there, but people are getting really, truly authentic and genuine. And I love that because that is how we not only learn how to pull ourselves up or do better, um, by other people's experiences and the solutions that they try. But I also think it gives us what we are desperate for, especially right now, which is connection, right? The way we connect is by really getting into those deeper, deeper, um, shared moments in line,

Those dark moments. Like, can we talk about Joni Mitchell and ugly crying? Like, I want to talk, I want to talk about scream crying and Amy Winehouse, like, this is the real truth of overcoming something like this.

Well, and yeah, and I mean, it's amazing, you know, I've, as I, as you know, we lost Ruth Bader Ginsburg on Friday and I just see all these women beach accounts from one another. And I just, with the truth of their fears and their sadness and their, and their feelings. And it's, it's a, it's a wonderful thing to be able to be able to express yourself in that way and feel safe. Right. And, uh, and that's, and that is really, you know, the first step in a letting go process is being able to be that authentic and honest with yourself. Right. Um, be open yeah. Being open to those revelations that come to you and then not pushing them aside. Right.

Like looking at the hard truth of the situation.

Yeah. And really seeing it and really seeing it and really processing it and saying, okay, you know, what am I going to do now? Right. What am I going to do now? Yeah.

So I'm just gonna tell the listeners a little bit about your Ted talk. And it's really about a long-term relationship that you left and it took you 12 years, which I get, because sometimes it takes a long time to figure out that you're in a relationship with someone who is never going to give you what you wanted. And I can't tell you how many hectors I've dated in my life, but when you find, but when you finally left and you let it all go, you mentioned in your book that you felt like you're on the hook for years. Can you talk about what happened that forced changed and pushed you to let go of everything and leave Chicago?

Yeah. Yeah. You know, I believe we know, I believe we know, I believe we always know when we're in situations that are not going to get us where we want to go. I think we always know. And I think we stay for a lot of different reasons. And, you know, I was in a relationship with a really wonderful man who just didn't want what I did. And I think it was an interesting situation in the sense that my question wasn't, how do I, how do I get rid of a guy who is awful and treats me badly to, how do I walk away from someone who is really lovely and doing his very best and who cares? And it was really hard, um, knowing that that, that it would never, he would never want to go, or I did in the relationship and in love in general, to be able to make that break, especially because before him, I dated all those men who were, you know, not so great and you know, not the good to me what happened. And so I put it off for as long as possible, but when we were supposed to look at an apartment, um, to see if we wanted to buy it and live in it together, which would have been the biggest decision we ever made in 12 years in pricey, I was rather surprised when he even agreed to do it. And he didn't, he didn't show up for it. I had, I could not understand that anymore. I couldn't, you know, you get to a point. And I had gotten to a point where I say in my book and I'll have lots of little Epiphanes, but sometimes we can look away from the little earthquakes, a little tremors. We just, they, they shake us and we keep moving. This was a big one and I couldn't turn away from it. I couldn't look away from the idea that, okay, you know, this was just not going to be. And so I had to make the choice. The choice was either him or me essentially, you know, I was going to say, okay, this is where it's going to be. It's never going to be any different how to say it out loud, how to say it to myself in the mirror and move forward and stay in that relationship. Or I could say, you know what, I'm ready to take a chance on myself. Right? And so I'm going to let go as hard as it as it's going to be. And I will tell you, carry that. It's not like, and I think this is important point. It's not like after I left that experience, um, that the next morning I called them and said, we're done goodbye. That didn't happen. Right. What happened was after that, letting go is a process. It's a process. And so what happened for me was once I had that epiphany and that realization that I could not unsafe, I worked on creating change, knowing that I would need to take time to be able to extricate myself from the situation in a way that was productive and in a way that honored me and him. So it took me another year or so to actually then, you know, blow up my entire life, which was, you know, lead the city that I loved, that I had lived in for 20 years. So my condo, you know, leave my job, leave my hairstylist and my dog groovers and all those people in my daily life that I loved and, you know, move away from my friends to start a new life all over again at age 41. Um, and so, you know, but that was really the beginning, the kickoff of the process of letting go and starting to sort of rebuild. And, um, it's really all about that, that willingness to have that big epiphany moment. And I think, you know, when it comes to letting go, we really don't really don't do that until we, I think a lot of people really need to have that big moment to be able to find what they need to find inside of themselves to make that change.

Right. And you know, you talk about this, that people prefer the safety of staying or turning a blind eye, and people can address those limiting beliefs. And you mentioned in your book that people, why don't people value their love life like their career. If they're not happy, they find another job. And I think that's really valuable. And I th your process is so powerful in the book, and this is why you helped so many people is because you've gone through a lot of pain and suffering and the rebirth. And I love the scene in your book, not what happened to you, but the rock bottom moment. And you're pulled over on the side of the road, crying hysterically, and it tow truck driver pulls over to see if you need help. And you bury your head into your steering wheel and just wave him off. And I could do multiple Ted talks with stories like that. I'm not sure 3 million people would download, but when you hit that rock bottom point, and you think not one more thing can happen. You can't write this stuff, but you actually did. And I love that you put the Matthew Broderick quote from the movie, the freshmen, there's a condom. I have to say it because I love it so much. It shows how funny you are and how brilliant, um, there's the quote is there's a kind of freedom in being completely screwed because, you know, cause you know, things can't get any worse,

You know what I never, ever, ever forgot that flowed when I saw it in the movie, I was like, Oh, thank you so true. And I mean, listen, and I think, you know, here's the thing that, you know, when we are in that place, there's, I think there's a couple of things it's like, this is just, we're not able to see that this is just all part of life. Like sometimes you're just completely screwed. I mean, that's just part of life, you know, it doesn't, it's not a referendum on your value. It's just, it is what it is. And we don't, we don't offer ourselves grace, I think when we're in that moment. And I think, you know, sometimes when we're in that moment, we just have to be, have to be in it without that judgment. We just have to feel the pain of that loss and that experience because that's, what's going to ultimately compel us to, you know, start climbing back up the mountain when we're sitting at the bottom of it all alone, crying and snotty and our dogs won't even look at us in the backseat. And we're just feeling like, Oh my bad, I'm on the side of the highway in the pouring rain. And I have no dads and my dog hates me. I have no one to call and you know, my pants are probably tight, you know, and just like the worst of the worst of the worst, but it really is true that when you're at that point, but we can't see in that moment is that, that is, that is like such a beautiful invitation. And I don't mean that in a Pollyanna way, but that's like an invitation to say, what do you have to lose? What do you have to lose in taking a new chance on yourself? Right. You know, what do you have with food in getting yourself home? You know, eating that deep dish pizza, right? Crying on the sofa and then getting up the new morning and saying, okay, nothing lasts forever. It's time for change. And I'm was going to tackle this one baby step at a time. And the way I'm going to start tackling it, it's first, I'm going to spend way more time with that person in the mirror, figuring out two really important thing, a Vonn, what does she believe to be true about herself and her self in the world and what she deserves? And two, what does she want? Like what does she want? Because I think we have so many limiting beliefs about whether the things that we want are possible for us or whether we deserve them, that we don't ever ask the question because we're so afraid to explain what we want. We don't want to name it because we just don't think, like, I think all limiting beliefs, hinge on those two factors that either think we don't deserve it, or we don't think it's available to us. Right. And so once we claim that out loud and we have those limiting beliefs, well, then we're really screwed because now we're, we're going after something we're never going to get and that's bad. That's, that's more painful than anything is to think that what we want is actually not there for us. Right. And, uh,

Being your own villain. Yeah. That's really like, you're not doing yourself any favors holding onto these limiting beliefs, but I, I guess, but it, it takes, it's a process. And I want to take us back to when you, before you, you were able to leave and like really fully leave and pack up and never go back. There's that horrible place of the not there phase. And I like to say, it's the, it's like the upside down world in stranger things. Um, and it's really powerful. Like it, you know, you have to go, but you just can't do it. And I love the scene in your book when you're out to dinner with Hector and he's like, do you want to share something? And you respond? Yeah. How about a life? Like danger will Robinson, as you would say, like, that was so powerful in your book. It's like, your life is up to you and this is the point, right? You knew you had a problem that only you could control that you could choose to leave and you could let go and he wasn't capable. And so you go from this back and forth though, and it does take awhile to make that shift. But the point is you did it and you're showing other people how to do it.

Yes, yes. And I, you know, and that was almost on some level. It's almost not fair to him because we've had that conversation so many times. I mean, he was, he, he was honest about not wanting, you know, he, I think, I think Hector did what a lot of men do. I think in his case, he did it very, um, genuinely with no malice and really, I mean, he was a really loving person and I don't think he realized the impact of the word, um, that keeps so many people on the line, which is, it's not what I want. It's not what I want, but you never know, or it's not what I want right now, but that could change. Or, and for people who don't have the big wild love, the courage and the competence and the self love that they need to say, okay, but this is what I want right now. And so I'm going to choose for myself and not wait for you to choose four moons. Right. Um, it's, it's a way to say stop that's enough. One thing I really, I really feel is very important to say is, you know, I, none of this was on Hector. It was all on me. I, I always had the option to choose, always had the option to walk away. I always had the option to say, I love and honor you. And I know that you don't want what I do. Cause you know what other people don't have to want, what we do. But when they tell us they don't want what we do, then we have that choice. We can stay knowing that they're not going to give it to us, or we can leave and say, I'm going to choose this for myself. And so I think it's not really fair to put it always on the other person, because it's really up to us to choose the things we have in life. And to make the decision that if I go to the grocery store and I want to buy something healthy and I walk out of there every single time with Kate now, is it the cake's fault? You know, it's, it's on me to make those choices for myself, right? Yes. They're hard choices and they're not choices we like. And for years I wish I played that it was different. I didn't want it to be what it was, but there's a certain point. We all have to come up into the mirror and acknowledge that this is what it is. What are we going to do about it?

It was an investment of 12 years. It was an, it was like giving up the investment that you had made for 12 years. And this is the moment that I think made me cry. And the Ted talk was that you had another choice to go around on the merry-go-round for another ride. And he still was like, okay, forget it. I will let's get married. And you had listened to not yet for so long. And I mean, you could probably say that moment a little bit better since that's such a powerful moment in your Ted talk, but like good for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was really interesting actually in the audience, people started to clap and cheer, which was really funny. Really. It was really interesting. And again, I don't know, I don't mean that with malice for him, but it was such an empowering moment for me to be able to choose for myself that no, it was, it was time to move on. It was time to start to be proactive and to put myself first and to value myself enough, to not want to push someone to an ultimatum, to give me the things that I wanted. And by then I had done so much of the letting go work that I was authentically at. That's what he said. The time is not there anymore. And you know, I have to say Carrie about the whole investment thing, because I think so many of us stay stuck in things where we do that. We feel like, but I put so much time here. Right. And you know, I think that that is if I were to go back to my younger self, I would say, you know, don't worry about it. Like every morsel of time, every morsel of those 12 years delivered somethings back to you, there's no wasted investment in living your life. There's no wasted investment in making certain choices that maybe in years from now, they won't be right for you all to the best of tenant every day with what we've got. And I think it is that feeling that we invested so much time in something that's sometimes believe us stuck there. And I think we have to say this time has been so wonderful and that it's given me so much and now it's time to move on and it's okay to get any of that time back. Right. It's okay. We don't get yesterday. Like even if we spent yesterday doing something that was not quote useful or functional, that was yesterday, we still have tomorrow. We still have today. We still have what we have to do better and to go for what, the things that we want in life. So I know that kept me stuck. And ironically, you know, it's like at five years, I'm like, well, I invested five years and now six years now, seven years now, eight years. And while implementing about investing so much time and you know, investing so much time. And so it's, you know, that's, I think that's something we have to let go of too, which is, you know, looking at that investment, we're not talking about dollars and cents. We're talking about, you know, moments of time. Right,

Right. And there's still plenty, plenty of time to almost make up for less lost time. But this is all so powerful. I can't even, it's unbelievable to me, but we're going to take a short break. And when we come back, Jill's to talk about how letting go can make you unstoppable. This episode of shot and love is brought to you by a call from a call. Chai rom was the world's first botanical rock recognized by the government of Trinidad and Tobago is having the first new production process for rum in over a century called shy. Rom is an officially protected trade secret. Only the second such protective process in the Caribbean, since the famed Angostura bitters by Don Carlos Seger in the 1870s, a call Chiron was available 44 us States on chiron.com, also available in the Republic of Ireland on stuff you need. I try some today and we're back with Jill share Marie big, wild love is all about being brave and being bold. It's about asking those hard questions about yourself, making peace with your mistakes and diving deep into your emotions, forgiving yourself and saying to yourself, you did the best you could with what you had. Would you say Joe forgiving yourself is the next step after letting go?

I think, um, I think if you've gone through the process of letting go and you've already, you're already there. I think forgiving yourself is, you know, in the book I talk about, there's a, there's sort of a precursor to letting go that you need to have in order to move through the process effectively, which is cultivating the wild bugs and big wild love is not what some people think. Some people think it's love with another person and yes, that can be the outcome. Um, if that's what you want. Absolutely. That's a wonderful outcome, but they've wild, wild. It's really about self-love and it's a very intentional kind of self love that is not about self care or getting massages or facials, all the things that I wish I could have people day in my life, but it's really about sometimes it has people seeing themselves for the very first time. It's really about doing that work in the mirror that I talk about coming to understand why you make these choices and what you believe to be true for an about yourself, so that when you go forward, you can make different choices for yourself, the kinds that get you to the places that you want to go. And I, and part of that process is the act of forgiveness. And it's so looking at yourself and saying, you know, I might've spent X number of years in this relationship, beating myself up for staying, asking myself not deeply, but in those darker moments, like why can't I just move on and then not doing anything or ignoring those small little tremor Epiphanes along the way. Um, but at a certain point, you have to be able to look at yourself and say, I, I am doing the best that I can. And I forgive myself for anything I might've done to be disingenuous or harmful to the other person. And also forgive myself for any missteps that I may have made along the way, because it's never, you know, it's never just about the other person. I mean, my relationship failure with Hector was not on him, just on him. I mean, there were things that I did that I could have done better. Like I could have been honest with myself and with him, I could have stood up for myself or, you know, left sooner. I could have, you know, not been so, um, willing to defer my needs for his, there were a lot of ways and a lot of things that I look back at now, and I think I would never do that today that I could beat myself up for, or, you know, I could say, Hey, you know what? I learned so much. I had 12 wonderful years with a wonderful person and yes, they were, they were not all part light. They were also part dark, but that's life in general. Self-forgiveness has to come at the beginning of that process as you work through the big wild love, peace, the big wild love peace is what really puts the ground under your feet. So when you are standing at the edge of that cliff, and you're looking over it looking for a safety net, you know that you're the net, you know, that if you jump, you'll be okay because you had that competence and courage and sense of safety that you can now give to yourself, which allows you to take the risks that are all part of letting go. Because when we let go of something, we're letting go of something that either continues to have, or once had a lot of value for us. And so there's still going to be lost, even if letting go is for the better, there's still going to be that period where we are going to feel bad about it. And we're going to run through all those self-defeating thoughts because that's what we do as human beings. Oh my God, I'm a loser. Why did I stay? What did I do? You know, I made a mistake or I did something bad. I just, and that's all, that's all very normal and natural and it's okay to be there not forever, but to be there as part of the self-examination process and, you know, kind of the post-mortem that we do when we look back at experiences that had, that were no longer part of to see what we want to take away from them. Right. So, um, so I think forgiveness is, has a role to play, but I see it as, as something that happens before the letting go and may come up and arise as you go through the process of letting go. But if you've got it on the front end, you've got something to grab onto if you need to do it again.

Right. And I think the process of self discovery, you felt that journaling was the key to, you know, get out, gather all that data and look at the different levels that you've gone through. And that was your key to vibing on a higher level. And I know how powerful it is to write things down, especially you being a writer. Can you talk about why journaling was such a powerful piece for you?

Yeah, I, you know, and it's so funny because I think when people say, well, journal, you know, I think we conjure up this image of like a, you know, a teenage girl in her pajamas or her diary. And we get this sort of very, um, just this very like hello picture, right? Like our favorite little journal with this little rock on it, you know, but, um, there's that kind of journaling. And then there's the kind of journaling that, you know, I'm talking about, which on some levels is much more about getting some stream of consciousness writing out onto the page. And I have a lot of my own gurus, Julie Cameron, Natalie Goldberg, who blurbed my book, which was like one of the best days of my life to do that. Um, these are, these are my, these are my gurus. And I, and I know from my research that, you know, when we write things down, there are just these amazingly powerful, psychological benefits that I cannot talk about from a technical perspective. But I can tell you that, you know, when we write things down, we tend to take them in more deeply. We tend to process them more deeply. We tend to hold on to them and they tend to become thoughts that inspire us to the changes we want. And there's lots of research studies put in my book around this. I was utterly fascinated by so much of that research. Um, some of which comes from Harvard, where they talk about, you know, goal setting, if they, they did a long-term study and they found that a group of people who actually wrote down their goals were, I need to be more successful in achieving them than people who even just stated what their goals were. So something pretty profound happened to us when we write things down. And I believe that mommy journal, when we do stream of consciousness, journaling, short bursts of journaling, where we keep our hands moving. And we're not really thinking about the punctuation or pros, it's not for that purpose, but it's for the purpose of emptying what's in the front of our brains so that we can access those subconscious thoughts or more deeply that in a certain point, if we do that enough, we just become the hand. That's moving on the page and we get to learn things about ourselves that we would never have access to otherwise. And so I always found journalists journalists to be very powerful in the sense that a, it allowed me to get things out of my head that were weighing me down, but it also allowed me to see things that I wasn't able to see to help me lift myself up when I needed to create that change. And so I believe writing things down is a very powerful tool for understanding yourself and for being able to get where you want it out. And I recommend it a lot throughout my book that I have people do.

I love it. And it's like, right, that powerful manifesto that's inside you and see

You. Right.

Right. I love that moment. That's so great. So you talk about letting go of one of the things that you say is the key to letting go is don't take things personally. And I love the story about taking your boyfriend Dan home and what your mom said. And she said, you know, he's very good looking, you know, Ted Bundy was good-looking and that is hilarious. Um, but it's, it is true. Um, but what's so true. I love it. Um, what are the, the top five things that work and letting go,

Oh, then I'd say in my talk. Yeah. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, um, take, let, go of taking things personally, let go of what other people think, um, let go of the need to be perfect. Let go of trying to be something you're not and let go of not yet.

Oh, I love that. Not let go of, not yet. That's huge to someone in transition because the new life hasn't come in, the new energy hasn't come in and just be patient with that night. Yeah. Cause it's just, it will happen, but you're just not there yet. And I think people get really frustrated and that those are amazing tips. Really. I love it. And yeah. And then you also have the 100 let go of bowls and your book.

Yes, yes. 100. Like the elbows I talked about, I had to put a name to the things that we let go of. So I called them let go of, and I asked, I actually invite people in the book to think about what their goals are. And I include a very long list in case people are kind of stumped or they're not really sure beyond maybe if they're in a relationship that they're looking to let go of beyond letting go of the person or the relationship, or even like all the things or objects around it or the life around it, the friends, the home, the city, all the things. But there are so many ways. And so many things that we hold on to that keep us stuck beyond just those big things we think we need to let go of that. I encourage people to be very comprehensive. And I say, it's like, you know, when you see a deer in the road and you're driving usually where there's one, there's many others. And so it's a time to just kind of slow down and really think about, you know, what, in addition letting go of this relationship, do I also need to let go of in order to find my way to what I say that I want? And you know, that could be a mindset that could be a belief that could be a, an emotion. It could be a friend, it could be an object and it could be any number of things from this moment in time or earlier, moments in time that are really keeping us not just stuck where we are, but stuck from being able to make different choices for ourselves as we go forward and being able to recognize those, let go of all. When you find yourself in a situation that may be triggering going forward and being able to recognize to your point when I got up there and I talk, I talk about how I was unwilling to go backwards when Hector finally acquiesced to marriage, you know, being able to hold true to the things that you want and not go backwards when electable kind of triggers you into those old ways of being or those old fears, there's old beliefs. And, um, and so I think it's a valuable list because it reminds us of all the many ways and all the many things that we hold onto that do keep us grounded, where we might not want to be. And so, um, I wanted to have something really comprehensive and I even go to it sometimes to remind myself if I'm ever in a situation where I feel like I'm not getting where I need to go, I'll go back to that. And I'll be like, ah, this is what, this is it. This is, this is what I need to let go up.

No, he's written a good book. When you have to go back to certain chapters yourself, or you really are onto something, you know, that's so good.

There's a funny story, Carrie, I'll tell you, you know, my husband, I walk every morning with the dogs and I was spinning one, one week for like a week on a friend. You know, I had a friend who keeps going back to the wrong person and she's been doing that for a long time and she was unhappy and I would listen and I'd be like, I was just so aggravated by it. And I would just kept talking about it every morning on our walks. I was like, and blah, blah, blah, why does she match? And then he said to me, okay, you need to get in your process, like right now around this. And I was like, Oh gosh, you're right. And I didn't meant, as soon as I put myself in that process, I was able to completely let it go and get really grounded back in, um, into what I wanted. But it was really interesting, interesting experience because what I learned was where we spent so much time spinning on other people's choices. It's because we're trying to not look at our own. And in that particular time of my life, I was getting ready to let go over my very big job. And it was a big, scary leap and big, scary move. And as long as I could spin on her life choices, I didn't have to look at my own. Right. And so once I was able to let go of spinning on her and that distraction, which was not productive for me, I was able to refocus back onto the own scary decision that I was making that was in front of me and actually, you know, process my way through it. But so it's a great process. I mean, I use it all the time. I really do use it all the time.

That's amazing. I wanted to talk about choices and cause I think this is basically like the basis of big, wild love that we have choices. We have second chances and no matter where we are in life, we still have time to make good of all of it. And I'm just thinking about my choices that I better live a long life is. Do you think that's the main takeaway of big, wild love that we always have choices?

I think it's absolutely one of the, other of the huge takeaways. I think, um, I think the huge takeaway is that, um, we don't, we're not here forever. We are life and the things that we have in our life, there are byproducts of our choices and they always have more than we may think and all of those choices and what we believe to be true and possible for us is really inside of us. We never need more than just us to be able to find our way to the things that we wanted. Like I say, you know, far as the limitations of space, time and biology, right? We have the power inside of us to make choices that lead us to the things that we want as long as we believe that they're possible for us, that we deserve them and that the things that we want, all the really, truly the things that we want. And so, yes, I love that. The whole idea is really, and I love it. You bought that from this book, carry the concept of, we get to choose for ourselves. We should never wait for other people to choose for us. We should never be dependent on other people to choose for us. We have to take people at their face value in love and relationship, especially when they tell us they don't want the things that we do or when they're telling us who they are, we get to choose. We can say and accept that as a reality and live inside of a place that's not working for us or we can leave. We can let go, and we can take that chance on ourselves and we can learn how to make better choices. So we can actually get where we want to go really is about that. And you know, we don't, we don't learn that intrinsically as part of our, our, our upbringing, especially as women, as we, as we grow up, we're not taught that we have a lot of choices. I mean, a lot of times when we're talking, we don't have a lot that we don't have as many choices as we'd like. And so I think, you know, we set our own rules. We define our own work, make our own choices. Right. And that's it. Okay.

Uh, sadly, this was my last lead speech. My last question. And I, it's very sad for me to say this, the last question, but letting go was hard, but was it worth it?

Well, yes. Yes. That question I love all your questions always is letting go is about being true to yourself and it's always worth it to be true to yourself. Always. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes it is.

And you found love online.

I did. I went on to find love again. I found, I met my husband who is wonderful and absolutely the right person for me, but I want to say that even if I didn't, even if I didn't meet him, even if I didn't find marriage, even if I didn't find this partner, what I did was I cultivated big, wild love that told me that I would be happy no matter what happened to me in my life, because I have made right. But there are many ways to live a happy life. And whether I got married or I didn't get married right down someone, we didn't always find a way to be happy because I was happy with myself. And I was happy inside of the person that I had allowed myself and chosen myself to be. And so, yes, of course we all want someone who, all, none of us wants to go through life alone. But I think it's, once you cultivate the mentality that you love being with yourself, that you are wonderful, that you deserve all the things that you want and that you, that they're out there for you. Everything else you get from there is just cake and it, but it's just calm. It's all the things that you want. They really do come. So yeah,

Jill, it is been so fun having you on the podcast and having you share your personal stories and lessons. And I want to end with something that you said in your Ted talk, and you said, whenever you're putting something out there, there is a rule in business. 10% of people will hate it. 80% will be indifferent and 10% will be your raving fan. I'm your raving fan for sure. And everyone must, must go out in order. Big, wild love. It's just the best book. And Jill, can you tell listeners where they can find you?

Yes. Well, first of all, I just want to say this I, your raving fans to Carrie, I loved your podcast. I love talking with you. I'm starting to think we need baseball caps that say one 55, one 56.

I love it. I love it. Thank you, John Rich.

Right? Exactly. And Jordan is fabulous. Love him too. Yes, you can find me at, let's go for it. Dot com, which is my website. And you can get the book anywhere books are sold. And if you do, please leave me a review on Amazon because those are just golden for us authors. They help us so so much. And um, I'm on social media. I'm on Facebook and Instagram. I'm on LinkedIn is Jill Shira, Marie, um, Facebook and Instagram at like, Oh yeah. We'd love to hear from you and connect and all that, all that great stuff. This has been so fun. Terry, thank you so much. You are so lovely. And I, you know, I so appreciate the champion that you are for me. I never take that for granted. And I, I think it's so important that we champion each other and I love that. I love your mission and that you're out there doing, you know, doing this. We are all like soldiers for the love, healthy, positive, loving relationships of everyone, especially women. And so I thank you for your work and I'm just so glad that we had an opportunity to be back to back.

That's right. Well, thanks again. And I hope to have you back on jotted love

Anytime. Thanks.

And for now this week's Tinder tips. And in honor of our guest, Jill share Marie, these tips come directly from her. Number one, start journaling, write things down so we can see more clearly and deeply into ourselves to figure out a path of how to get what we want. Number two, base your truth. As hard as that may be, don't be ashamed of how you feel. Don't be afraid to ask for help or ask for some support. If you're having a hard time, you're only human and it's okay to acknowledge what you're going through. Be authentic and standing in your truth is brave, courageous and powerful. Number three, let go for it. There is no guarantee that you'll find something better, but I'm with Jill share Marie you well, if you're feeling afraid, remember that you always have yourself. This is what shot at love is here for, to help you find love. Keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to helping someone else by sharing this podcast. Remember to stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. If you'd like me to photograph you for your online dating profile, sign up for my shot at love promotion. Please DM me on Instagram, or you can find me on my website, Carrie Brett lifestyle, porches.com. And if you liked this show, please write a five star review. I'm Carrie Bret, and we'll see you next time.[inaudible].