What To Say: When Deciding Or Sliding Into A Committed Partnership With Relationship Coach Christina Morelli

I am Carrie Brett , and this is Shot At Love. Welcome back to another exciting episode, and today we'll be uncovering the complexities of relationships, love and everything in between. And we've got one impressive expert in the house today. Meet Christina Morre . She's not just any guest, she's a relationship coach extraordinaire and a virtuoso in the art of love. She's also a woman on a mission to help others navigate the intricate world of connection. This week, Christina will be our compass shedding light on her passion of preparing others for a committed partnership. And she'll share how to have those crucial conversations before jumping head first into something new. And most importantly, what to say when you should be deciding or sliding into a relationship. You won't wanna miss it, so stay tuned. Christina Morelli is a relationship and personal coach working with individuals and people in partnership to create healthy, rewarding and fulfilling relationships. Her practice is all about fostering self-awareness and providing the relationship, education and skills we were never taught. The mission is to educate the world on how to increase relational and emotional intelligence, overall happiness and personal healing. It is my honor to welcome Christina Morelli to the show today. So without further ado, welcome Christina .

Thank you so much for having me, Carrie . I really appreciate it.

I'm so excited to have you. You're so bright and so knowledgeable about what makes a relationship work. So today we're gonna talk about all things relationships. I'd love to know first, what inspired you to become a relationship coach?

One, I like to think that it was kind of my born innate mission. And now that I think back to early childhood and how important my connections and relationships were, what I would say is the distress that comes from certain parent-child dynamics. I had a rough relationship with my mother and it was really difficult for me to accept that this was the only way to have a relationship with a parent. So I started doing a bunch of research around the psychology of communication, what it means. And this was young, I'm talking like early teens. I was so fascinated by psychology in general. The intent of it was initially like healing the relationship with my mother as I progressed to being a teenager and started dating, relationships weren't working out. And I was like, there has to be a way to put the puzzle together. I hate the idea of thinking that relationships are trial and error until you just magically find somebody. Because as you grow older, you obviously know that magically finding somebody is only the initial portion of what it takes to have a successful, rewarding, healthy s relationship. I have really dedicated a lot of my work to understanding social psychology, interpersonal relationships because I was so incredibly committed to having really enriching relationships in my life and being able to teach others as well. It was almost, it's like a , I read my first book and it was my gateway drug into everything else, psychology. So once I started reading one and realized how fascinated I was by it and how intrigued I was by all of it, and it also helped make a lot of sense for me. We are never formally taught how to have relationships. We will have to go and seek those answers because we have no teachings around it. What we know about relationships is what is modeled for us in the home and what we see in the media, which is idealistic and unrealistic. Most of the time our caregivers are, or parents are not healthy examples of relationships. And there are so many developable skills that can be taught around how to engage with other human beings in a way that's supportive and loving that still honors and respects your needs and honors and respects their needs. And that's just kind of in my life's work dedication.

Well, you can tell you're definitely dedicated to it. You tried to learn this so that you could avoid pain. I like what you said. There has to be another way. We shouldn't have to just have all these failed relationships under our belt to learn. There should be a way that we can use some kind of cliff notes or use the information to, to stop all this hurt. And that's when you realize that mastering communication was the key to having better relationships and a better life.

Yes.

Why don't we talk about this? Why isn't this taught in schools? It , it's so crucial, yet it's so surprising how many people don't know how to get it right.

I believe that it is not a measurable or tangible metric for let's say, children in school because school focuses on how can you be a productive citizen in the working world and how can you contribute? Although I believe that communication is probably the most important thing you could learn when it comes to that because everything else is, should be second where communication should be first in my opinion and, and first in nature. So I, I think it's not necessarily a measurable metric that the schools consider to be important. There's also the idea that like being emotionally intelligent or relationally intelligent isn't as vital as being financially intelligent or let's say software capable. And it really is the priorities of a social and cultural effect that deeply impacts what we are taught and the purpose and reason and motivation behind it.

No, one of the things that I love about you is that you said that you had to be in a relationship where someone valued your intuition. I don't think I've ever had someone say that before in the show. And for me, my intuition, it's not measurable, right? It's one of those things that I just know, like I know that I don't wanna have the surgery. I know something's just not gonna work out and I can't measure that, but it's real.

It's very real.

You started to realize certain things were non-negotiable in a relationship. Did you do that earlier in your life or

I wish I did it . Going back to the initial comment of this can't be the only way to have a relationship with my mother. As I was progressing through my life and still having failed relationships, albeit long-term relationships, I knew very early in those relationships that this wasn't my forever person, but I'm gonna try and make it work and I'm gonna try different tactics and I'm going to adjust who I am or ask them to change and try to fit this person into a mold that I have. But they're not gonna fit because they're , they're , they didn't come from the mold. And then I realized that again, this shouldn't have to be the option. Like being somewhat happy in a relationship can't be the only option that we have. I see other people having really amazing relationships, like, what is it ? And then they say it's communication and compromise. But then there's so many misconceptions of both of those when ultimately it's actually self-awareness. You can't communicate or negotiate any form of compromise without having a level of self-awareness as to what you're willing to give up and what you're not willing to give up in this compromise where you're not losing a sense of self harboring resentment or feeling like it's like a power struggle where you , it's like we either go your way or my way versus coming together and choosing a way that both makes each of you happy. So the conversations, I wish I, I knew this information. It wasn't until I had experience in the B D Ss M world and was in a polyamorous relationship. I am figured out through that relationship that I am not polyamorous, but the extent of conversations that these two communities have before entering into any dynamic, any partnership is so in-depth. And I was like, this makes all the sense in the world. Why aren't we having these in-depth conversations before we commit to people? Oftentimes the commitment is, do you wanna be exclusive or do you , did you stop using Tinder? There is is so much more that goes into knowing if you're a complimentary partner or not. You should not commit to somebody unless you know that it is someone who you could be with long-term . And I will say, I think the most important factor and knowing if somebody is a long-term partner, is knowing if you like them for who they are as an individual, not how they make you feel. Now, obviously you wanna feel good, but if it's based off of this person makes me feel good. So in a previous relationship, I'll never forget my one friend asked me, what do you even like about this person? And I was like, I love how much he loves me. That had nothing to do with him as a human being. It had everything to do with what he was providing me because these, those feelings are going to shift and change. It's actually a form of codependency when it, it is based off of this person makes me feel this way. So that's why I want to be in a relationship with them versus having two autonomous human beings come together with full agency and say, I like you. I like you. Let's come together and add value to each other's lives while we're still able to maintain our own individual self in a healthy way.

And that's when I, when we first started talking today, I was talking about the go-giver marriage and that that's one of their principles is you have to make yourself happy first. Mm-hmm . <affirmative> and keep your side of the road clean and hope that your partner does the same, but it's up to you to grow and learn and bring in new things within your life. And if you're looking to your partner to provide that, it's not gonna work.

It's not. It's too much pressure and nobody should have that amount of pressure, the amount of social pressure, that amount of emotional pressure to be somebody else's happiness. It's too much. One thing that I learned when I was single, that was a really big epiphany for me, was dating yourself. And when I first heard this, I was like, I don't care to go to the movies alone or go out to dinner alone or do these things. And then I had some like intuitive download and it's like, that's not what it is. It's about doing the activities that you tend to only do for other people, but for yourself. For example, what it would look like to date myself or what it did look like to date myself when I was single was I realized I would only really clean the house before my partner came over. So now I started cleaning the house for my own satisfaction. I am worthy enough and have enough value that I want to give that same amount of attention, effort, consideration to myself. Do I only cook nice dinners whenever my partner comes over, but I eat canned soup for myself? Yes, sometimes I do. But now I want to put that same effort into treating myself. That is how you really start to establish your own self value , your own self love that is so deep and unshakeable. When you start treating yourself the way you treat other people.

What people do is they don't do the work on themselves. And I, I'm guilty of this as well. They basically, what do I want in someone else versus what kind of partner am I gonna be? That's really valuable, I think. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> ,

It is very valuable.

You taught me that you can't really prepare for another relationship when you're not happy within yourself.

The other thing I, I do wanna just add on to what I was saying about dating yourself so easily in the beginning of a relationships, they, you are always putting your best foot forward. You're doing all of these activities because of all the chemical changes in during the different stages of your relationship, which I have information on if you're curious about it. But at the beginning of relationships, you're extremely motivated to take people on dates, get dressed up, buy gifts, do put your best foot forward, be your best self. And that's not necessarily a conscious decision that people make in order to, I guess real or keep people in. But the thing that I like to point out here is so many of my clients complain like, oh, they never take me on dates anymore. Or if he doesn't buy me flowers anymore or she doesn't clean the house like she used to, it's because these are not habits that are established for yourself as an individual before you enter into partnership. So then all these habits show up at the beginning, you entice this person and then as you become comfortable into your routine and your hormones start to shift, your brain chemicals start to shift as the relationship grows and deepens and the commitment becomes stronger, you fall back into old patterns. And then people are like, this isn't who I thought you were. Obviously it wasn't an an intentional manipulation, I don't think it is by any means, but that's another vital aspect of why it's so important that you are doing these things before you even get into a partnership to make sure that this is something that you can sustain. 'cause there's nothing worse than getting into a partnership and then six months later feeling like your partner doesn't care anymore . Like they're not prioritizing you. You have to stay consistent. Consistent is consistency is the most important aspect of trust, safety, and intimacy in my opinion.

I agree. And you saw this during covid when people didn't, they didn't put on makeup, they're walking around in pajamas, they put on 60 pounds like what's happening or they're addicted to Netflix. Their patterns change and people are surprised why so many relationships did not withstand and the divorce rate went up during covid . So there is so much scientific data to being consistent, showing up for yourself first. So this is your specialty, preparing others for relationships. And I want you to walk us through these different stages because I don't think that many people talk about this. And I think it's really interesting to cover on on the show. So on the early stages we experience the lust stage.

Yes, the, there's neuroscience be around the different stages of relationships. The initial spark is considered lust. You have, you see somebody across the room and you're like, they're attractive. I my body is responding to them that maybe I'd be interested in having sex, for example. It's very superficial. It's a very biological response. Then you, and that is driven by estrogen and testosterone. Then let's say you go over to the person and you make a connection and you start going on dates. Now you're into the attachment stage where you're building an attachment with each other. It's still very early and the hormones that are running through your body at that point are norepinephrine and dopamine, which is the re which triggers the reward center, which um, impairs a lot of our judgment. So at the beginning of relationships, although you notice certain red flags, it's so much easier to ignore them at the beginning of the relationship because you have this feeling of being high and people are not aware of these. So then they make poor decisions too early, such as committing too early without actually giving yourself time to really know who this person is outside of this chemical explosion that's happening between the two of you. And that's why they actually call it chemistry. Chemistry is very strong at the beginning. It usually lasts three to six months where you're feeling the butterflies, you're excited to text them, you get overjoyed when they text you. But let me ask you, two years into this relationship, are you equally overjoyed of getting a text message from your partner now? No. It's different. Things are changing biologically in your body as you progress into this relationship and the stages of commitment. So that's the, that's the second stage. And then as you get out of that stage, you really start to see who the person is. It's starting to release oxytocin. Um, maybe you're not having as much sex, but now you're so comfortable with the person and you feel safe and there's a sense of stability and there's a sense of love versus infatuation. Infatuation is very much at the beginning of the relationship. It's a quick spark , it's temporary. Oftentimes people are constantly shooting to try and get back to that initial passion in relationships. And it's because they don't understand that it's a biological response. It's not because you and your partner aren't a good fit. Those if you want, you can can, you can create those feelings throughout the relationship, but that requires intentional effort. And that's also a , the difference between the beginning of a relationship and a longer term relationship. Beginning of a relationship. You don't really have to think much about being motivated to do all of these things for your partner that feel really good to remember their birthday, to remember your anniversary, to see something at the store that reminds you of them and you're like, oh, I'm gonna buy it for them 'cause they're gonna appreciate it. But now you don't do this a year and a half later. <laugh> , the issue that rises is people , like I was saying, people commit in that early stage and then six months to a year later they're like, this isn't, I don't want this anymore. Because as you move into that oxytocin stage, you start to see people for who they are because that dopamine starts to come down. And the thing that you noticed initially that was you were like, oh , that could be a red flag, but I'm still really enjoying this feeling so I'm just gonna keep going. Now becomes an actual red flag and now you're in a committed relationship and now you have to work through it or end the relationship. So the longer you can actually wait before you commit, or even honestly even just being aware of like these feelings is a biological response. This has nothing to do specifically with this person. I still need to stay clearheaded and have the proper conversations to engage with this person in a way that's going to set myself and this other person up for a successful long-term relationship, or which I think is equally successful, is deciding not to be together because it's just not a good match. So basing commitment off of how I'm feeling is not going to keep you going in the long haul. Now passion is a huge aspect of a successful relationship. So it is important, but it cannot be the only factor that you've taken to consideration when so many people consider that the only factor.

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Yeah, especially to avoid that pain that you were mentioning earlier. It's like we get into these relationships and then six months or a year later we're like questioning if this is even the right relationship and forcing it to work and then losing ourselves to make it work or asking the other person to change when all of that can be avoided by having in-depth conversations upfront .

Okay, so let's talk about this line of questioning or this conversation that you need to have and what asking the right questions look like and how do we make these clear decisions about deciding to be in a long-term relationship?

The three things to first and foremost consider before even approaching these questions is what you were saying earlier is who do I want to be as a partner? How do I want to make my partner feel? What do I want my partner to experience as being a part of, as being in a partnership with me? So there's three aspects. These are , this is why I say couples are actually a threesome because you have the triangle of partner A, partner B, and then the union, which is its own entity and should be treated as such.

The cool thing about saying that is that when you say it's really a threesome by saying that you're making them really look at the equal pieces in coming together to create that partnership, I think that's effective. I think it makes people take a step back and really look at how important it is, how you show up and how important it's how the other person shows up. Because when one person stops showing up, it doesn't matter if your house is clean or you have a home cooked meal and you had to do this yourself with your current relationship. Talk about that.

I love talking about this one because I love my partner so much. I would scream it from the mountain to anybody who wants to hear it. But I, when my part , when I first approached my partner about potentially being more committed with each other, it was kind of a funny story because he mentioned it and I was like, whoa , just because you said it doesn't mean mean we're automatically gonna be in a partnership. We have to have a very detailed long conversation before we can make informed decisions on if this is going to be good for both of us long term . So , uh, I was like, I'll prepare some notes and you can prepare some notes of what is going to be important to you and it being in a partnership and we'll come together and like have a , a meeting about it. But <laugh> , because I'm a very over-prepared, extremely detailed human being, I had a list of bullet points for myself that I was going to answer and I sent them to him. I'm like, just so you know, this is everything I'm gonna talk about <laugh> , <laugh> . So if you are only coming to the table with a few things, here is another , here's an opportunity for you to be prepared for what I'm about to bring to the table and actually contribute equally to the conversation. Or here's some things to consider that maybe you weren't considering before. Because that is never, that's not something that our culture teaches us or fosters or cultivates within us. We scheduled a time and I had all of my notes and he had all of his notes. It sounds really kind of clinical and it, and it was, but it's, it's useful when it , you can essentially remove the emotion from like, I feel so high , this person wants to be with me forever and say like, these are, these are the important things that are going to be able to sustain us as partners for a long time. And this is what's really important. And it began first with me saying, this is who I want to be as a partner. This is how I ideally in my mind make you feel. What your experience is like, what I hope to be able to provide you as a partner. And then moved into what I consider to be second, which is this is what I want my partnership to look like. I want my partnership to look like a team. I want us to be a united front. I want us to, you know, be in a really committed relationship that we're both willing to do the work and you know, so on and so forth. And then last but not least, which is the most important thing that people are hearing for them to do before they get into relationships is what do you want in a partner? And I don't wanna agree with that. I think it's more important for you to know who the type of partner you want to be because that is going to set your standards of what you're going to want in partnership and who you want to be as a person. And the other person has no option but to either meet you at that level or say, I'm not gonna be able to fulfill that and peace out. Or you're gonna know. They won't say that exactly, but <laugh> you will know based off of how they're showing up for you compared to how you're showing up for them. So it really doesn't give them an option to participate in a relationship if you have such strong values and standards for yourself as a partner.

And that's why these many relationships that happen in online dating, when someone goes away or ghost you and you don't understand they didn't have it, they were maybe not as ambitious or they just didn't align. So people internalize it and say, well there's something wrong with me. No, you're just that special.

They weren't your person and it's okay. They weren't your person. It's not, you weren't good enough. It's that they weren't able or willing to meet your needs and expectations. A lot of partners get really scared when they're being called forward to show up. When you ask that in the ways that you ask them to show up and they just retreat because it's too much and that's okay. And not saying that you're too much. If anything, I think you're setting the standard of what it should be.

I had this conversation last night with my boyfriend 'cause I was like, okay, here's this conversation that Christina had and she had bullet points and <laugh> and , and he was laughing and we just had a conversation about that. And I said, you know, what I like about this story is that she found what she needed. She found a way to communicate what she needed. She took that very seriously and I think that that's really good. And that's when I told him that making sure that your partner valued your intuition was so important to you. I brought that story up to remind him that women's intuition is so accurate and so powerful. Yeah . And oftentimes men discount that. And I thought that was really valuable. So I kind of used that story as like a way to just remind him that that's really important to me as well.

Always .

This is so interesting, this conversation's so interesting because I knew certain things had to be, I wanted him to be a good person. I wanted, yeah , certain things, but we don't ask for these things because

We oftentimes don't have the words for it. We don't know how to verbalize it. So I think it , it's really important to be able to, to speak to it. But the reason why I was saying it's also really nice to have this despite people are like, oh, that's so stale, or who's the spontaneity? And I'm like, but this is like a blueprint for your relationship. I love the idea of having a blueprint for my relationship. I can come back to this list at any point and be like, I'm not showing up in this way. I need to start stepping up. Or maybe my partner isn't showing up in this way, so I need to make the requests because this was really important to me. Or maybe this wasn't a , this isn't as important to me anymore due to context. Our priorities change as we get older. We change as we evolve and get older. But I'm looking right now my list. So it says how I want to show up in a partnership completely trusting, supportive of his wants and needs of service, A safe place for him to land, someone he can tell anything to, no matter the possible reaction or outcome. So those are just like the top five of it looks like about 30 for what I want to be, who , who I want to be as a partner. And I see that what I want in partnership is deep intimacy and connection, unwavering trust, unconditional love. This does not mean our relationship doesn't have conditions. <laugh> to approach all parts of life fearlessly together. Prioritization of our relationship. So that's what partnership. And then what I want in a partner, I'll tell you the top five, A man of action, a man who cherishes my intuition and honors it. A man who is strongly rooted with unwavering presence. A man who understands that a woman's ability to feel safe and surrender is dependent on his ability to stay in his strength and hold space. So those are like the top five of probably about another 50. So those are some examples to give some people examples of not so common conversations. Most of the conversations are do you wanna be exclusive, do you wanna get married, do you wanna have kids? There's so many more beautiful things that you can do in a relationship. And it's, it's a great way to also do check-ins on the relationship as well. It's like, where are we? Have we started letting things go? Do I want to come back to this? So having a blueprint for me has been exceptionally helpful.

I think this is great, I think can help people navigate, if you have it written out, you're, you're basically telling the universe that this is important to you. Like you're putting pen to paper and you're saying basic needs like trust. I mean , it sounds ridiculous, but you don't wanna be with somebody that you're gonna have to break into their phone or worry about. That gets exhausting as life goes on. So it, it seems like basics, but those things are, they should be at the top of the list for sure. And before we wrap up this episode, I'd love to hear about this therapy, the Imago,

The Imago dialogue.

Tell us about that.

Um, before I jump into that, I do wanna say I have a compatibility , uh, resource if you want to post it. It lists the five things that you should consider the most before deciding if you should, if somebody is a compatible partner. But in regards to the Imago dialogue, this is kind of a different, this is a different aspect of relationships, which is communication in regards to conflict resolution or how do we communicate in a way that both parties are, are seen, heard, felt, and in a supportive, loving way. So the Imago dialogue essentially breaks two people having a conversation up into two roles . You have the sender and you have the receiver. The entire intent of it is that you stay within those assigned roles. And this comes from a book called Getting the Love You Want It, it changed my Life and how to actually have a productive generative conversation. So the sender is really the only person who is allowed to express what's on their mind. And the receiver is only their role is to mirror back to the sender what they hear, ask if there's anything else they would like to share until the sender gets everything out, validates their experience, and then takes like action forward. Like this is how, like this is what we wanna do moving forward. Like so I can see why that was really difficult for you or why you thought maybe I wasn't caring about you in that moment when I wasn't willing to put my phone down and tell me what would be helpful for next time so we can have a plan forward. So it's a really structured framework around mostly used for conflict resolution because it takes like the emotional charge of the back and forth and throwing digs at each other and name calling and all the shoulds and I and you statements. And so it just makes it really clean if you follow the structure, it can feel very robotic and really mechanical. Mechanical at first because it's not a common way we interact with each other. But if you like follow this path, it , you can resolve things very quickly and then it starts to become second nature and it doesn't have to feel so clinical. Right. Clinical's good for providing framework. One of the things that I really take pride in my work is I , I provide frameworks for people who can essentially like color in the pages. Like I give you a coloring page, you just color in the lines like here are the lines and bounds that you get to play in now, make it your own in that way. But just if you stay within these lines, then you'll have the picture that you want. You will have the outcome that you want, you will have the resolution and repair that you want and need. Um, so I will send you more information on the I maga dialogue 'cause that is a pretty deep conversation that maybe we should have another podcast on . Yeah,

Maybe we should just do a podcast on that because yeah, this couple that wrote the book, they are equally obsessed about relationships as with the both of us. They spent their entire marriage perfecting this and they sold 4 million books and Oprah has featured them this book many, many times. So it's helped a lot of people. And I'll definitely put the book in the show notes. You've got this down girl. I love everything that you share , that you use that helps people be successful in your coaching services. So tell us where people can find out more about you, find you on social media.

My website is christina marelli coaching.com and you can find me on Facebook, Instagram at christina marelli coaching.

Well, you're gonna be a , a recurring guest for sure, <laugh> . And you have so much knowledge. I just love this. This is really good. I think this is really important, especially for young people, people

And maybe when we do the Imago Dialogue podcast together, we can do an example of what it look sounds like, like we can actually demonstrate an Imago dialogue. I think that would be really helpful for people.

Yeah, I think so too. All right . Thanks so much. Thank

You so much, Carrie . I appreciate the work that you do .

And for now, this week shot at Love dating tips that are inspired by our guest relationship coach Christina Morelli . Number one, there are three individual entities in a relationship. Partner A, partner B, and partner C, the union. Treat each aspect with the same level of care, respect, and consideration. Number two, relationships should be empowering, expansive, and liberating. When you do find the right relationship, you shine brightly and reach your highest potential. Number three, be more concerned about who you wanna be as a partner versus what you want in a partner. I hope you found some of my tips helpful this week. This is what Shot at Love is here for, to help you find love, keep up the commitment to yourself and commit to someone else by sharing this podcast. Stay safe and stay tuned for more episodes. And if you like the show, please subscribe and leave a five star review. I'm Carrie Brett , and we'll see you next time.