Creating While Grieving

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Hello, hello everyone. You are listening to The Success Palette,

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a place to discuss everything that you were not taught in school about how to

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be successful in the arts.

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I'm your host Soda and today we are going to talk about a subject that has been

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requested by a few of my listeners and that is the subject of grief.

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I know that some of you are struggling to continue on with your craft,

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with your career, with your life, because the pain is so deep due to the loss of a loved one.

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And while I personally haven't had to deal with this, fortunately,

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I really wanted to make sure that this did get addressed.

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And I think back to during the pandemic, I had just had my little baby girl,

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Ember, and I was paranoid of something happening to her.

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I would have these horrible dreams and intrusive thoughts of her falling.

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And I would think about how I wouldn't have any will to live anymore,

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even just imagining something happening to her.

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And this was causing me a lot of stress until I heard Nicole's story, who is my guest today.

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Now, Nicole, in your first book,

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The 10-Minute Refresh for Moms, you talk about how you had a lot of nightmares

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and stress about something happening to your little one, Emberly.

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Can you talk a little bit about that situation and what ended up happening with her?

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Yes. So I wrote the 10-minute refresh for moms and it published in 2019.

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I wrote it while I was pregnant with Emberley. And before she was even conceived,

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we have five children before her. She's our sixth.

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And I had this recurring nightmare that one of my children was going to drown on my property.

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And it was just constant, this dream that I would wake up from with night sweats,

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tears pouring down my eyes. I couldn't go back to sleep.

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It was so awful. I hated this dream and it happened multiple times.

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And so I got to this point in my personal development journey where I knew that

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this dream was probably telling me a message that maybe I could work through some fears.

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So I did this whole thing in my book where I wrote about fear setting,

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where I went through the whole thing.

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What can I do to prevent this? What can I control?

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What what can I not control? How can I prepare for this? If ever it did happen,

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even if I did everything that I could control.

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And I just went through all of this process when Emberley was like in my womb, right?

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Because at that point we had a pool and a pond and I just was terrified.

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And I, unfortunately, while I did that, I, I got to a place of peace.

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I got to a place of like, yeah, I could handle that, you know,

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as much, as much as you can prepare for any sort of thing.

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And I didn't I got to the point where I didn't think it

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would ever happen like that was just my fear

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it was teaching me a lesson I'm okay and then

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it happened and then she was you

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know eight twenty months old and drowned in our backyard

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pool I wasn't home and I was dropping a couple of our other daughters off at

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a birthday party and my husband was here with our two older kids and well three

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of our kids and Emberly and next thing I know I'm coming home dropping the kids

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off and I see an ambulance coming down the driveway.

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So this was like my worst nightmare coming true.

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And up until that point, I had done everything that I could to prepare mentally,

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emotionally, physically, anything in my power to prepare for that moment.

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And I remember driving up the driveway and seeing the ambulance come toward me.

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And I knew immediately, oh my goodness, it actually happened.

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Like my worst nightmare came true. Like, what?

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It was like that paralyzing fear, but also that...

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Personal peace. I just had this deep peace rush over me and say,

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I've been preparing for this moment and now I have to choose.

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I remember deciding on the driveway when I was still, our driveway is a third

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of a mile long. So it was quite a little drive.

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With my heart racing, I knew instantly when I saw the ambulance that Amberlee

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had drowned. I just knew it in my heart.

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And I also knew that I could make a choice there.

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I could do what my dream had told me and blame my husband, blame the pool,

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get angry, ruin our marriage, get a divorce, and basically have my whole life

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unfold before me and get ruined and shattered.

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Or I could choose in that moment to just roll with it,

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give it the necessary love and attention and acceptance that any kind of situation

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needs to help us heal and just see what happened.

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So I chose in that moment to love to

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love whatever was going to happen to love my daughter with

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all my heart to love my husband and my other children whatever

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happened I wasn't going to place blame on anyone

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and that's easier said than done you know

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I made that choice in that moment but several months

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down the road I'm still like reeling with guilt reeling with

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this internal turmoil of like it's just so much easier to blame somebody else

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for the pain that we're feeling But then something magical happened and Amberlee

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and I had so many conversations together after she passed that all those fears

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and the guilt and the shame and the feeling of,

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I wish I could have done better, have been healed.

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And there's still occasionally times when I feel that. But honestly,

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it's been such a miraculous and beautiful experience.

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Experience, even though it's my worst nightmare, that I can't say that I'm upset anymore.

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I feel deep peace and gratitude for all that she has taught me and everything

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that I've become as a result of it.

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Now, that doesn't mean I wouldn't wish for it to have never to have happened,

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because obviously, it's not something I'd wish on anyone.

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And yet, I can honestly say today that but I'm grateful. I'm in a state of gratitude and deep peace.

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And I know that she's here with me all the time and it feels like a blessing in disguise.

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I love your story so much. And while it is heartbreaking,

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it's also amazing to know that our loved ones, at least I believe,

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are around us, even if we can't channel them the way that you've been able to.

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To like, they're still around us, supporting us.

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And I know you go into more detail about everything that happens in some other podcasts.

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I'm going to link the one below that helped us get connected because you just

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explained it so well there.

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I'm not going to have you repeat it again, but I know that you also mentioned

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that you You gave birth to Emberley around the same time that you launched your first book.

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Yeah. And I think it was you who mentioned publishing that book was kind of

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the same feel as giving birth. Yes.

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No, I had two babies. I know not literally, but you know, some similar concepts.

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What are some ways that create the creative expression of writing helped you one,

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prepare you for what eventually happened and to help you heal and,

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you know, move, move on and how, how important is creativity when it comes to recovery from grief?

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Oh, man. It's funny because I never viewed myself as an author or a writer.

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I actually hated writing. It wasn't something that I enjoyed doing.

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I remember going to college and having to take English and they'd send back

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the paper that you wrote, just put your heart and soul into it and it'd be all red marks.

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And I was like, I'm never going to be a writer. And then when my dad actually

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passed in 2017, which kind of started my whole personal development journey,

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it seems like Like grief has a way of opening us up in a way that other things don't always do.

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Like it wakes us up. And for me, it was my dad that was the catalyst originally to start.

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To just realize that we don't always have tomorrow and that I need to make the

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most of what I have right now.

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Like any of us could go at any minute because his passing was just like that.

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And so was Emberley's. And I've had this experience so many times that I know

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that we need to really enjoy each and every moment and every day, right?

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So I started my writing process actually when my dad died and I started healing

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myself through reading and reading and learning and trying to like just really

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go deep into my inner self, into my own feelings and thoughts about things.

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And then when Emberley, when I was pregnant with her, that's when I started writing the first book.

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I was like, I just know so much that I need to help all these moms out there.

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I need to help them find joy and happiness because I'm so happy.

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I was just thrilled with life. And for the first time in forever,

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because I'd been a stay-at-home mom for so many years and sacrificing myself

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every moment of every day for my five children and then pregnant with the sixth

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while I was writing this.

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And I had so much hope and joy that I was like, I'm finally going to be able

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to do it right according to my ego. You know, I'll be able to like...

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Show up filled up rather than so stressed out and so tired and overwhelmed and

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exhausted because I'm burnt out because I don't know how to refill my cup.

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And so I was impetuous for my first book was just like teaching moms how to

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really refill their cup while they're still in the throes of motherhood,

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while they're still, you know, raising children,

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not waiting until someday, because that's what I always kind of was doing was

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waiting until, oh, I'll wait till they all I'll graduate when they're out of

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the house, when I'm bored in retirement, then I can figure out what I like to do.

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But this was like, no, I need to do it now. And so being, being able to express

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myself to share parts of my soul and the learnings that I've had,

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and the experiences that I had was my first book,

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like, it was so helpful to just be able to share to be able to shine while still

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a mom with lots of young kids, and a lot going on to be able to show people

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that But you can, and you actually should,

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put yourself first and fill your own cup so that you can pour onto others without

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feeling burnt out, without feeling overwhelmed and tired and angry,

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which is my case. I was so angry all the time.

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And it just brought my soul so much purpose and so much joy that I had to share.

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And so that was my first book. And then as Emberly passed, I learned that I could channel her.

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And my second book, I had never intended to write another book.

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But while I was raising her, I kept having this feeling that my whole next book

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would be about Emberly and how little kids literally teach us the joy of life

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and of just being in the present moment.

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They don't worry about the past. They don't worry about the future.

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They're not worried about pretty much anything except for what's going on in this moment.

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And she was such a teacher to me. I was finally open to learning from my kids

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rather than just being the teacher as the mom.

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And so I allowed myself to just really learn.

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Observe her and be with her every moment.

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And because of those constant fears, which I now know during her life,

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I had so many premonitions and the dream itself was a premonition, right?

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I'm not going to have a lot of time with her.

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I get these thoughts like, put your computer down and enjoy her right now because

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you never know when she's going to leave.

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Or take pictures with all of the siblings. They're going to want them.

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So many thoughts during her whole life.

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So I knew somehow that I would be writing a book about her, but I really just

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didn't believe that she would die.

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I just thought it was intrusive thoughts, fear, whatever.

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And so when she did pass and I learned that I could channel her,

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it was such a healing journey.

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And I didn't even think I was writing a book. I was just having conversations with her.

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I was writing what was pouring out of my soul as a grieving mother.

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And I would suggest for anyone going through grief to write without any intention of sharing with anyone.

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Write from your heart and soul and just let it rip. Let it all pour out of you

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without feeling like you have to micromanage it or fix it or make it perfect at that moment.

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And that's my probably best advice for anything in life is just live in this

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moment unapologetically and 100% you.

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And so I did that with Emberley and the things that poured out of me and through

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me from her were so healing.

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And now they've helped heal so many hearts around the world that it's just been

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such a beautiful blessing that my worst nightmare has become such a gift to so many people.

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And the creative process has been so healing along that journey.

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Yeah, and I know that in your second book, it's basically you having these channeled

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conversations with Emberley's spirit, and she teaches you a lot about the world.

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And, you know, it helped you kind of leave certain beliefs behind.

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Can you talk a little bit about how these conversations with her changed you and helped

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you kind of deconstruct certain beliefs that were not doing you any good,

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that were kind of holding you back from truly recovering?

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Oh, man, that's a loaded question because there's so much.

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Let's just say I grew up and was raised a Mormon or a member of the Church of

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Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It's a very high demand religion.

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I loved it and lived it with all my heart. I believed it with every fiber of

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my being, I used to say, until about 37, and then I started questioning it.

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And then about a year before Emberly was born, I had a severe throat problem

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to the point where my throat chakra had closed off, and I knew I needed help. I had to get surgery.

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And to make a long story short, I ended up leaving the church because I realized

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that I wasn't speaking my truth, that it was no longer serving me.

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It was no longer something that lit me up. It was actually something that was

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holding me back and making me feel caged.

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I think a lot of us are stuck in a comfort zone and we think it's comfortable

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because we're used to it. It's normal. It's natural.

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Like so many of us are living in states of perpetual stress or fear or whatever

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it might be that we're just, we're just so used to it that we don't think or

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believe that we can change that.

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Or we don't even think it would be good for us.

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Like we're, we're afraid of changing, but I had to for my health. And when I did.

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For that whole year, I doubted it. I was so afraid.

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Just lived in constant fear of like, well, what if I'm ruining my entire family for eternity?

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And so many of the beliefs that I held dear were like, families are forever and now mine won't be.

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I'm sending myself and all my children to hell, basically. The Mormon version

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of hell is basically not being able to live with God forever.

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And that was terrifying. And then when Amberlee passed and I was able to start

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asking her every question about all of that,

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and not only did I just deconstruct Christianity with her, but I also talked

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about parenting and politics and just life in general and life after life.

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And she just really held my hand and basically explained to me that there's no wrong way.

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You can stay in the church if that makes you happy, but it's clearly not anymore.

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More. You see things from a totally different perspective, and that's okay too.

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You see it from a more open perspective and unconditional perspective,

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which is where she is now.

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She explains that where she is is called all that is, and that's why part of

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the title is Remember All That Is.

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But all that is to us is God. We are God. We are source, and we are all created under this.

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Equally basically, but we choose what

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happens to us in this life and the challenges and things that we have.

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So as she was answering these questions, my heart was like, oh,

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I'm terrified that these are the answers because they're so different than the

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things I was told were the only right way my whole life. And this is so scary.

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And yet she held my hand through the whole process. And And there were several

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times I had to stop writing for a day or two and just, you know, let it soak in.

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And then I'm here three and a half years out from when she died.

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And I'm still like trying to embody a lot of the messages that she gave me and

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a lot of the transformation.

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Because you can know something, but still not do it or not embody it.

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It's so easy to like, yeah, that's great. I understand that. that, and I can't do it.

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It's like, you know, I know that I'm supposed to eat right and exercise,

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but sometimes I just don't want to.

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And her way of explaining life and, you know, why we're here and what we're

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doing and all that kind of stuff.

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And also leaving religion was terrifying to me, but also it brought such deep

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inner peace and like just a resolve of like, I can't do it wrong.

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I'm not going to hell. I'm going to be with her forever, no matter what I do.

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And my children are safe in that way as well.

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And it was such a relief to my soul, such a relief to my human ego,

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I should say. My soul was fine.

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But reconnecting with that part of that inner knowing that all that is-ness,

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I guess, that each of us has was a huge relief to me and to so many people who read the book.

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I hope that answers the question. That's exactly where I was hoping that you

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would go with this, because my next question was about how, you know,

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you leaving your religion, I mean,

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for me, I also left Mormonism recently.

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And while, you know, it's not anything close to the same as grieving a loved

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one, it still can have this void in your life.

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And I know for me, it's been really, really difficult journey to find a way to fill that void.

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And I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on how you were able to fill your void,

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both with, you know, leaving this amazing community that you had your your whole belief system. stem.

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And, you know, with your child, how you are able to fill yourself up without the.

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Doing it in a toxic way? Yes, that's a great question because so many of us

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are resistant to feeling our feelings.

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We just want to numb from them. We want to hide from them. We want to escape

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and we feel like the void is only going to be filled by something out there, someone out there.

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But what I learned is that, and you can see this by any kind of research,

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seeing anyone who succeeds and finally gets to their goal, it's always,

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it's like that carrot on the stick, right?

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It's always going to be something else. You always need more.

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And I hate the phrase that we get so much in just movies about love,

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like, you complete me. And that's not true.

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No other human being can complete us. No one else can love us enough until we love ourselves first.

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And that's the main message, I think, from Emberly and from our book in general,

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is to remember who you are.

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Because, Because like I just said, all that is for us represents God.

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And God is all that is. Every single human, every single thing of life,

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every single thing you see anywhere in any time, space, anywhere.

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And when you realize that we're part of all of that, and you overcome this need

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as a human being to fill a void, you recognize that you are everything and there is nothing missing.

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There's nothing wrong with you.

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There's nothing that needs to be fixed. There's nothing you need to heal from.

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And healing is really just a matter of perspective.

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And she gave me an acronym after we wrote the book that I love to share for HEAL.

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To heal, it's a human emotion accepted with love or a human experience accepted with love.

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To love everything that happens, even though it's horrible, even though it hurts

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and we don't want to feel it.

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If we allow ourselves to really just tap into that moment, be present,

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and just, Emberley says, ask, how is this helping me or what is this doing?

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How is this serving me in any way to become more aware of who I really am?

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And when you can look at life and everything that comes through you or to you

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in your life, you can say,

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this is here to help me heal a perspective of my limited self,

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to help Help me see things from a view that I am already whole.

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I am already perfect. I am already complete.

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I am already healed when I really tap into that all that is-ness,

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when I remember all that is, when I remember my true identity.

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And then nothing can harm you. Nothing can hurt you.

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You don't have to be afraid of anything ever else again because the void within

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is filled by loving who you are, by allowing who you are.

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By having so much unconditional love and acceptance for who you came here to be and for your.

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Diversity for the difference that you bring because every

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single one of us it's so amazing that there's like eight billion

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people and every single one of us has a unique fingerprint a

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unique thing that we bring to this life and when

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we tap into that when we allow ourselves to be us rather than comparing ourselves

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to somebody else feeling like we're not good enough like they have something

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that we don't have like they somehow know better or do better or look better

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or have more when we can stop that and say,

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I am okay just the way I am.

305
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And when I can shine by just being me and not having to change that or fix it

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or do anything differently, then the suffering disappears.

307
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The feeling of not enoughness disappears because we realize that no matter where

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I go, I have me, I have my own back and I fulfill that void. I am the void.

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When we become the void and love the void and

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accept it and realize that we are it it

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disappears and we feel full and

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whole and unsatisfied and complete and perfect yeah i love that so much and

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have you seen frozen too yes oh my goodness that it reminds me of at the end

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where elsa realizes that she was the one that she was looking for.

315
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I love this concept that we could be our own hero, that we can save us from,

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you know, this dark feeling.

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00:24:29,093 --> 00:24:36,233
And then speaking of shining, on your book cover, you have Emberly running into

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this cosmic void, and she is just glowing and shining.

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And you see this beautiful blue butterfly.

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I'd love to hear more about how you decided to go with this gorgeous cover that,

321
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I mean, I just, I see it and I get the feels.

322
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So I had to get the hard, the hard copy of this.

323
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And what made you decide to go this route?

324
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I know you touched a little on the name, which I know you might have some more

325
00:25:08,813 --> 00:25:11,313
information on, but I'd love to hear about,

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the the colors the the butterfly what

327
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does the butterfly represent and yeah oh

328
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my goodness i love this question thanks for asking nobody's ever asked me that

329
00:25:23,293 --> 00:25:28,133
there's such a good story behind this that i'm actually getting teary-eyed remembering

330
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it because i hadn't thought about this process for a while but i i've told the

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story in other podcasts of the title and i'll

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that really quick but the covers is just as special so when I was grieving like

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00:25:42,473 --> 00:25:47,433
deep in the throes of grief several months after she had passed I started art

334
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I started creating painting and doing resin art and playing with crystals and

335
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one day I was out in my studio.

336
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Playing, doing, doing my thing. Cause that really helped me connect to her and

337
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really helped me feel her.

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And it was a way of creating pearls from my pain.

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And I was sitting there listening to some YouTuber and he talked about going

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into a darkness retreat.

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And his name was Kyle Cease. He's become one of my favorite speakers,

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but I was like, what's a darkness retreat.

343
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But my soul was like, listen, listen, pay attention to this.

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Cause you want to do that.

345
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And I knew instantly that that That was my next step was going to a darkness retreat.

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At this point, I think we had already written pretty much the whole book.

347
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We just had no idea what to name it.

348
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And I was too scared to share it. I was like, not ready.

349
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I don't think I want the world to see my grief.

350
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I don't think I want them to call me loony or crazy or woo woo because I'm channeling

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a book with my daughter and all that. I wasn't ready.

352
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So this was about six months later. I signed up.

353
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They had a waiting list and I was able to go. and the only place I could find

354
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it in the entire country happened to be an hour away from where I grew up in

355
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my childhood home. What are the odds of that?

356
00:27:03,383 --> 00:27:08,623
It was in Ashland, Oregon. And so I went there, stayed there for 10 days in

357
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this dark man-made cave by myself.

358
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There was no light, no sound, no other human.

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And it was just me, myself, and all the thoughts, all the feelings,

360
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and all the fears and everything came up.

361
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And I went there specifically to.

362
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Kind of get proof that my book was real, that it wasn't like this made-up thing,

363
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because a lot of people will tell you, you're just making this up,

364
00:27:33,977 --> 00:27:35,757
you're doing this to try to feel better.

365
00:27:36,757 --> 00:27:40,497
And so I was doubting it. I had fears that it was just made up,

366
00:27:40,557 --> 00:27:44,677
even though I knew deep down I couldn't even have written that for the life

367
00:27:44,677 --> 00:27:48,537
of me without her help or divine help.

368
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And during that time, I would think it had been about day five,

369
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I finally got a beautiful

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00:27:55,337 --> 00:28:01,057
divine download is what I call it from her, where I had talked before I went

371
00:28:01,057 --> 00:28:06,397
to the Darkness Retreat, I had talked to my editor about what we could name the book.

372
00:28:06,517 --> 00:28:10,557
We had no idea what to name it. She had mentioned, why don't we call it Returning

373
00:28:10,557 --> 00:28:14,317
to All That Is. It's a return to all that is because that's what Emberley did.

374
00:28:14,497 --> 00:28:18,097
And that's what you did in the process. You talked about my transformation.

375
00:28:18,217 --> 00:28:20,757
If you read the beginning of the book all the way to the end,

376
00:28:20,777 --> 00:28:24,337
you see how how much I changed just in that process of writing.

377
00:28:25,137 --> 00:28:27,977
And so I was like, okay, that's a pretty good working title.

378
00:28:28,017 --> 00:28:32,417
I really do want to use all that is because that's such a main message.

379
00:28:33,137 --> 00:28:38,237
And then when I'm in the dark room, I had this, just this download of mom.

380
00:28:39,257 --> 00:28:43,217
Returning to all that is, is pretty good, but it's not exactly how it works.

381
00:28:43,297 --> 00:28:46,737
You can't return to all that is because you are now, you always have been,

382
00:28:46,757 --> 00:28:51,417
and you always will be an integral and necessary part of the wholeness of all that is.

383
00:28:51,637 --> 00:28:57,217
So name the book, remember all that is, and then highlight the ember.

384
00:28:57,517 --> 00:29:02,417
And it was just like this beautiful moment, like her name is Emberley.

385
00:29:02,457 --> 00:29:06,837
We named her that because we knew that an ember, for some reason,

386
00:29:06,857 --> 00:29:12,417
we knew that an ember was like a piece of a fire that had been separated and,

387
00:29:13,491 --> 00:29:18,171
could be brought back to life with a simple burst of air, with some tension,

388
00:29:18,331 --> 00:29:20,671
some love, and it could create its own fire.

389
00:29:20,891 --> 00:29:25,491
And that's literally the imagery that she gave me of when we remember who we

390
00:29:25,491 --> 00:29:29,711
are, when we remember all that is, we come back to life.

391
00:29:29,831 --> 00:29:35,431
We're here on this earth feeling separate, feeling the illusion of separateness, like we're not one.

392
00:29:35,731 --> 00:29:38,591
And then when we remember that, we come back to life.

393
00:29:38,651 --> 00:29:44,271
That fullness ignites within us and we come back to a roaring fire rather than

394
00:29:44,271 --> 00:29:47,151
just this little tiny flame that could be brought back to life.

395
00:29:47,291 --> 00:29:50,151
So that was a beautiful experience in the dark room.

396
00:29:50,811 --> 00:29:55,491
Fast forward several months from there, I had finally started the process of

397
00:29:55,491 --> 00:29:58,051
getting the book published, finding an editor.

398
00:29:58,791 --> 00:30:04,091
Well, I already had the editor, I should say, finding a cover. So I go to this place.

399
00:30:04,511 --> 00:30:08,471
What's it called? It's been a while. I think it's called 99 Designs.

400
00:30:08,471 --> 00:30:14,191
And you put on there basically the the things that you want as an idea for a

401
00:30:14,191 --> 00:30:16,031
cover. I knew I wanted ember highlighted.

402
00:30:16,311 --> 00:30:22,951
And at that point, I wanted it to look like fire because fire is what the message she was giving me.

403
00:30:23,171 --> 00:30:27,171
So I was telling the designers, like basically you put it out there and a whole

404
00:30:27,171 --> 00:30:31,951
bunch of designers give you feedback or give you like their ideas of designs.

405
00:30:32,151 --> 00:30:36,311
They show you designs that they could go with and you have to choose one within

406
00:30:36,311 --> 00:30:39,311
a certain amount of time and go with one.

407
00:30:39,911 --> 00:30:44,271
And then they can tweak it or whatever. So I got all these different designs

408
00:30:44,271 --> 00:30:47,131
back from the original prompt that I had given them.

409
00:30:47,171 --> 00:30:52,651
And they all looked like hell, like fire, like literally like flames of fire and hell.

410
00:30:52,731 --> 00:30:56,531
And I was just like, this is not the vibe I was going for it.

411
00:30:57,091 --> 00:31:01,571
And I was, I was like kind of terrified. And I remember the,

412
00:31:02,149 --> 00:31:06,409
I was actually painting again. This always happens when I'm in my flow.

413
00:31:06,949 --> 00:31:11,569
That's the beautiful being creative, the beautiful part of just being able to

414
00:31:11,569 --> 00:31:18,409
receive divine information when you're just letting go and going with the flow.

415
00:31:18,529 --> 00:31:23,309
Anyway, I was painting and I was listening to Gabrielle Bernstein's new book.

416
00:31:23,489 --> 00:31:24,889
I can't remember what it was.

417
00:31:25,549 --> 00:31:33,829
And I'll rewind here. I had been invited to go to a women's retreat where I

418
00:31:33,829 --> 00:31:35,649
would meet Gabby Bernstein in person.

419
00:31:35,789 --> 00:31:39,489
And I knew that it was because I was supposed to give her our book.

420
00:31:39,789 --> 00:31:44,809
And I was just really excited about that. And I'm listening to it. I'm painting.

421
00:31:45,049 --> 00:31:51,669
And in the very intro of her book, she dedicates it to her son who had died

422
00:31:51,669 --> 00:31:57,849
in the womb, like she had a miscarriage, and who always appeared to her as a blue butterfly.

423
00:31:57,849 --> 00:32:01,469
Butterfly and I got goosebumps from my head to my toe.

424
00:32:01,509 --> 00:32:04,909
So I was like, oh my goodness, that's what Emberly appears to me as.

425
00:32:05,029 --> 00:32:09,589
I had never seen this particular butterfly in my life until after she died.

426
00:32:09,689 --> 00:32:13,569
And then it appeared in our backyard and our property all the time.

427
00:32:13,729 --> 00:32:17,309
So I knew that I had to include this blue butterfly.

428
00:32:17,589 --> 00:32:22,049
And then when I heard Gabby say that, it was just like head to toe confirmation

429
00:32:22,049 --> 00:32:25,849
like, oh, I'm doing this the wrong color scheme.

430
00:32:26,129 --> 00:32:31,589
I need to go blue and white and black because this butterfly is amazing.

431
00:32:31,989 --> 00:32:39,369
Literally the front of the wings when you're looking at it is black with blue

432
00:32:39,369 --> 00:32:40,549
highlights and accents.

433
00:32:40,789 --> 00:32:45,169
It's the same one that you see on the cover of my book. But when its wings come

434
00:32:45,169 --> 00:32:50,329
up and you can see the underneath side, it looks like fire.

435
00:32:50,649 --> 00:32:56,449
It literally has black with orange spots. And I was like, what is this?

436
00:32:56,789 --> 00:33:00,049
Like, it was just like, oh, this is amazing.

437
00:33:00,469 --> 00:33:05,729
It's just such a beautiful sign. It's exactly who she is. So I knew that had to be on the book cover.

438
00:33:06,049 --> 00:33:12,289
And then once I changed it to the blue and the black and the white theme, it all came together.

439
00:33:12,389 --> 00:33:16,409
And I knew that Emberly had to be on the cover. and she just gave me so many

440
00:33:16,409 --> 00:33:21,789
things to confirm that and to lead me to the right person that it all came together

441
00:33:21,789 --> 00:33:26,049
and I just think it's just a magical cover the whole experience has been so

442
00:33:26,049 --> 00:33:29,629
magical and I'm just so grateful to share so thank you for letting me share that story,

443
00:33:30,609 --> 00:33:35,729
well I mean I was really excited to hear more about that story because I know

444
00:33:35,729 --> 00:33:46,949
for me I was mentioning earlier how I had this terrible fear of something happening to my little one and,

445
00:33:47,049 --> 00:33:50,269
you know, to the point that I was having these issues.

446
00:33:51,679 --> 00:33:58,219
This severe anxiety over it. And then I, when she was like one and a half,

447
00:33:58,239 --> 00:34:01,199
I think, I went to get a tattoo.

448
00:34:01,279 --> 00:34:05,919
And I just had this vision in my head of a blue butterfly.

449
00:34:05,999 --> 00:34:10,119
And now I have a blue butterfly on my tattoo.

450
00:34:10,719 --> 00:34:15,759
And it just looking at it for some reason, like brought me a lot of peace.

451
00:34:15,759 --> 00:34:20,659
So I'm wondering if there's just some like universal thing of a blue butterfly

452
00:34:20,659 --> 00:34:31,659
representing maybe children who passed on early or bringing peace to us if we are worried about that.

453
00:34:31,659 --> 00:34:39,039
I have this beautiful story where when I was preparing to go meet Gabby Bernstein,

454
00:34:39,119 --> 00:34:43,399
I knew that I had to bring her a book and I knew that I had to bring a couple

455
00:34:43,399 --> 00:34:45,999
more of the copies because there was at least one more,

456
00:34:46,099 --> 00:34:50,399
if not two more people that I had to go meet and that I had to give the book to.

457
00:34:50,679 --> 00:34:54,019
And I didn't know why or where, but I just I follow those promptings when they

458
00:34:54,019 --> 00:34:59,059
come and I just do them. So I had been invited to set up like a little thing

459
00:34:59,059 --> 00:35:04,339
with my art and my book at this little like vendors kind of thing after the retreat.

460
00:35:04,999 --> 00:35:09,859
And while I was there, I was setting up and a woman was setting up next to me

461
00:35:09,859 --> 00:35:12,699
and I knew that I was supposed to give her one of the books.

462
00:35:12,839 --> 00:35:17,399
I had heard her. She had been one of the speakers at the retreat and something

463
00:35:17,399 --> 00:35:20,339
about it was just like, I don't know why, but I'm supposed to give her a book.

464
00:35:20,699 --> 00:35:25,159
And then also there was a tarot card reader right next to us in a different table.

465
00:35:25,459 --> 00:35:28,879
And I was like, oh, that's fun. I want to go get my tarot ready.

466
00:35:29,099 --> 00:35:35,399
So she picks it up and she's flipping over these cards and two of them had a

467
00:35:35,399 --> 00:35:37,659
blue butterfly in them. Like, what?

468
00:35:38,839 --> 00:35:41,659
I've never seen this deck before, but it was just like, okay,

469
00:35:41,839 --> 00:35:44,439
this is just crazy how much this is coming up.

470
00:35:44,659 --> 00:35:47,899
And then when I met the woman who I knew I was supposed to give the book to,

471
00:35:47,999 --> 00:35:51,459
she started crying her eyes out when I showed her the cover.

472
00:35:51,639 --> 00:35:55,099
And she said, you've got to be be kidding me. I got to show you this.

473
00:35:55,199 --> 00:35:59,939
She starts unzipping her shirt all the way down to the back of her back where

474
00:35:59,939 --> 00:36:02,159
she had a tattoo of a blue butterfly.

475
00:36:03,878 --> 00:36:09,898
So you're not the only one, Soda, who has apparently had this same symbol.

476
00:36:09,978 --> 00:36:13,958
And when you said it must be some kind of sign, I really think it is of people

477
00:36:13,958 --> 00:36:16,758
who are spiritual awakening or ready for rebirth.

478
00:36:16,998 --> 00:36:21,358
And that's one of the beautiful messages that Emberly gives me in our book is

479
00:36:21,358 --> 00:36:25,198
like, we are all constantly transforming all the time.

480
00:36:25,258 --> 00:36:28,378
We're never just static beings. We like transforming.

481
00:36:28,498 --> 00:36:32,138
We like change, even though as humans, we resist it. As souls,

482
00:36:32,198 --> 00:36:34,398
we love it. We love change. We love challenges.

483
00:36:34,638 --> 00:36:39,198
And we love to basically go through what she calls metamorphosis.

484
00:36:39,498 --> 00:36:45,138
And so many of us, we're in this caterpillar stage. We're perfectly fine. We're just living life.

485
00:36:45,458 --> 00:36:48,218
And then all of a sudden, we're in a cocoon and we feel stuck.

486
00:36:48,418 --> 00:36:50,158
We feel gross. We want out.

487
00:36:50,398 --> 00:36:53,478
We're just like, I don't like this. I don't know what's happening.

488
00:36:53,758 --> 00:36:56,338
I'm all messy and ooey and gooey and whatever.

489
00:36:56,778 --> 00:37:02,758
And a lot of times when we're in that messy middle, we want to fix it. We want to change it.

490
00:37:02,878 --> 00:37:06,258
We want to get out or just pretend like we're not there.

491
00:37:06,578 --> 00:37:12,038
And as humans, sometimes she taught me that if we were to open a butterfly in

492
00:37:12,038 --> 00:37:14,918
that cocoon stage, we would actually kill it.

493
00:37:14,938 --> 00:37:20,358
We're doing it a huge disservice because it would never form the strength necessary to fly.

494
00:37:20,638 --> 00:37:24,718
Their wings would basically, they have to learn how to push and push and push

495
00:37:24,718 --> 00:37:32,098
against, or maybe even with, lean into the pain, lean into the pressure and grow that way.

496
00:37:32,238 --> 00:37:36,658
And then when you can, or when you get free from that, you can fly free.

497
00:37:36,778 --> 00:37:41,058
And that's what gives you the strength to fly. And so many of us as humans.

498
00:37:42,263 --> 00:37:46,083
We fear flying. We fear change. We fear the messy middle.

499
00:37:46,123 --> 00:37:50,343
We want to change it. But she said, embrace it, love it, and allow it to be

500
00:37:50,343 --> 00:37:56,363
without needing to fix it or heal it in any way, because it's creating something

501
00:37:56,363 --> 00:37:58,863
that's absolutely beautiful that you just can't see yet.

502
00:37:59,163 --> 00:38:05,943
So hold on, patience, you know, hold on to that, that hope and that promise that flying.

503
00:38:06,123 --> 00:38:09,243
And I, cause I asked her, is flying really worth all that? Like,

504
00:38:09,263 --> 00:38:12,063
I'm not, I don't want to fly if this is what I have to go through.

505
00:38:12,143 --> 00:38:15,683
And she's like, yes, it's worth it, mom. It's worth it.

506
00:38:15,943 --> 00:38:20,043
And I can tell you now in hindsight, after I've written the book that yes, it has been worth it.

507
00:38:20,303 --> 00:38:24,463
Even though I hate grief, I can't say I'm a fan.

508
00:38:25,303 --> 00:38:29,623
I also am so grateful for it because I think it's kind of like a rubber band.

509
00:38:29,743 --> 00:38:33,563
The more you're stretched in different directions, the more capable you are

510
00:38:33,563 --> 00:38:35,443
of holding bigger and bigger things.

511
00:38:35,703 --> 00:38:41,943
Obviously with a rubber band, it's a gets stronger and stronger,

512
00:38:42,143 --> 00:38:43,923
the more contrast we experience.

513
00:38:44,243 --> 00:38:48,243
And that's one of the main lessons that I learned over and over in the book

514
00:38:48,243 --> 00:38:54,043
is through pain, we as souls actually experience more pleasure.

515
00:38:54,303 --> 00:38:59,523
And I also learned when she died that we can hold pain and pleasure at the same

516
00:38:59,523 --> 00:39:02,703
time, that we can have gratitude and grief at the same time.

517
00:39:02,743 --> 00:39:05,443
And it just makes us these ginormous beings.

518
00:39:05,543 --> 00:39:09,063
And I think that that's a good picture of what all that is really is.

519
00:39:09,243 --> 00:39:13,303
It's all-encompassing. It encompasses the good, the bad, the ugly.

520
00:39:13,523 --> 00:39:16,943
And as souls, all of those things are neutral. They're not good or bad.

521
00:39:17,043 --> 00:39:19,363
We don't judge them as good or bad. We just judge them as.

522
00:39:20,208 --> 00:39:22,888
They just are. And it's as humans

523
00:39:22,888 --> 00:39:26,288
that we judge them as bad and we want to resist them and not feel them.

524
00:39:26,448 --> 00:39:29,888
But as a soul, we really love the contrast.

525
00:39:30,208 --> 00:39:34,208
We really love the things that bring us to really low lows. And just like with

526
00:39:34,208 --> 00:39:36,968
a roller coaster ride, she gives this analogy in the book as well.

527
00:39:37,308 --> 00:39:43,068
A low low just gives you more and more momentum for when you're going high and

528
00:39:43,068 --> 00:39:46,468
it makes your highs higher and makes it more fun to live.

529
00:39:46,928 --> 00:39:50,268
So I hope that's a good answer.

530
00:39:51,168 --> 00:39:58,488
That message was perfect. And I know that I needed to hear a lot of what you

531
00:39:58,488 --> 00:40:02,508
just said, especially what you were saying about, is it worth it?

532
00:40:02,588 --> 00:40:06,028
Because sometimes we're not sure if it's worth it.

533
00:40:06,148 --> 00:40:14,528
I've had a few people tell me that they gave up on their book or their art or

534
00:40:14,528 --> 00:40:17,468
whatever it is, because it was too painful.

535
00:40:17,508 --> 00:40:26,968
It reminded them of that person that they lost that maybe was their inspiration originally to create.

536
00:40:27,288 --> 00:40:32,328
And this actually leads me to the last question I I wanted to ask you,

537
00:40:32,368 --> 00:40:40,168
which is, what would you tell someone who thinks that maybe it's not worth it

538
00:40:40,168 --> 00:40:47,608
for them to keep going in their in their creative journey that maybe for other people,

539
00:40:47,648 --> 00:40:54,908
it works to, to move on, but for them, they're, they're in a different situation. They're.

540
00:40:56,127 --> 00:41:01,127
Their wound is too deep to ever find joy again.

541
00:41:02,327 --> 00:41:08,387
How can they rekindle that love for creating that they once had?

542
00:41:08,767 --> 00:41:14,847
So many of us, when we get reminded of our loved one who passed,

543
00:41:15,087 --> 00:41:18,987
say that you're a painter and that just reminds you of your mom or whatever

544
00:41:18,987 --> 00:41:22,147
it might be, and now she's not here and you're just grieving.

545
00:41:22,147 --> 00:41:25,427
I want you to lean into that pain and paint

546
00:41:25,427 --> 00:41:28,267
with her paint for her allow her to

547
00:41:28,267 --> 00:41:33,747
be there with you in that experience rather than it be a bad thing that it reminds

548
00:41:33,747 --> 00:41:37,847
you of her have it be a good thing have it be something in your mind that says

549
00:41:37,847 --> 00:41:41,987
this is this is what connects me with her and helps me remember her and helps

550
00:41:41,987 --> 00:41:46,407
me celebrate her life and the and the person that she was and what she meant to me.

551
00:41:46,827 --> 00:41:50,007
Like when I started art, I had never been an artist before either.

552
00:41:50,327 --> 00:41:54,887
And I had never even taken a painting class or any kind of art class or whatsoever.

553
00:41:55,447 --> 00:41:59,647
And then when Emberley died, I saw an ad to do geode art.

554
00:41:59,787 --> 00:42:03,567
And I just, it called to me and I followed that calling because Emberley told

555
00:42:03,567 --> 00:42:06,127
me to. She said, follow the fun.

556
00:42:06,387 --> 00:42:08,367
You don't have to get anything done.

557
00:42:08,727 --> 00:42:12,747
And when you follow your bliss, when you focus on the things that light you up,

558
00:42:12,767 --> 00:42:16,287
that bring you the most joy, joy that's when you can actually connect

559
00:42:16,287 --> 00:42:19,267
with your loved ones and notice the signs you can

560
00:42:19,267 --> 00:42:22,247
hear them more you can feel them more because you're living

561
00:42:22,247 --> 00:42:24,987
in such a way that they want you to live they don't want

562
00:42:24,987 --> 00:42:27,827
you to grieve forever sure they're okay with

563
00:42:27,827 --> 00:42:31,327
they like seeing you cry because they know that that shows you that they love

564
00:42:31,327 --> 00:42:37,907
that you love them and they want you to live a life of joy and love and to know

565
00:42:37,907 --> 00:42:42,307
that they're okay and to feel peace because when you create from a place of

566
00:42:42,307 --> 00:42:45,307
just unconditional love and release the judgment.

567
00:42:46,144 --> 00:42:51,544
Don't say that I have to create this to make it perfect or beautiful or to share it with anyone.

568
00:42:51,744 --> 00:42:59,044
Do it for you. Love yourself enough that you can heal from within by expressing what you're feeling.

569
00:42:59,244 --> 00:43:05,004
I would argue that many of the greatest songs of all time or the greatest art

570
00:43:05,004 --> 00:43:11,224
pieces of all time or things that we have created of all time have been created from lowest of lows,

571
00:43:11,444 --> 00:43:15,264
from the people who are experiencing deep heartache and a break.

572
00:43:15,264 --> 00:43:20,544
And from people that have been rejected or people who have felt so much pain

573
00:43:20,544 --> 00:43:24,164
and loneliness and sorrow that they just had to express it, whether it's through

574
00:43:24,164 --> 00:43:26,644
color, whether it's through lyrics, whether it's through poetry,

575
00:43:26,924 --> 00:43:31,244
whether it's through the clothes that you wear, all of those things can act

576
00:43:31,244 --> 00:43:35,104
as such beautiful catalysts to your biggest inspiration.

577
00:43:35,384 --> 00:43:43,384
And you're not an exception to that. You can create something that is just as

578
00:43:43,384 --> 00:43:46,384
unique and beautiful and powerful as anyone else.

579
00:43:46,704 --> 00:43:52,704
There's no discrimination where it comes to divine inspiration and becoming one with all that is.

580
00:43:53,164 --> 00:43:57,204
Remembering your own power and sticking in your own lane and not trying to be

581
00:43:57,204 --> 00:43:59,684
like somebody else, but just creating from your heart and soul,

582
00:43:59,824 --> 00:44:02,524
especially when you are grieving,

583
00:44:02,704 --> 00:44:07,624
when you're feeling all of those awful feelings, will set you free and allow

584
00:44:07,624 --> 00:44:13,024
you to become unstuck and feel actually really grateful that you had those experiences

585
00:44:13,024 --> 00:44:17,004
because now you have this beautiful pearl to show from your pain.

586
00:44:17,184 --> 00:44:19,744
And if you don't know anything about how pearls are created,

587
00:44:19,964 --> 00:44:25,664
it's when an oyster gets a piece of stand stuck inside of them and it hurts.

588
00:44:25,784 --> 00:44:29,904
It doesn't feel good. And they move and they move and they move so much that

589
00:44:29,904 --> 00:44:31,764
it creates a beautiful masterpiece.

590
00:44:32,424 --> 00:44:38,264
So, Amberlee likes to tell me that we are all masterpieces and works in progress at the same time.

591
00:44:38,404 --> 00:44:43,944
And that's how art is. That's It's how creation is. We are all perfect just the way we are.

592
00:44:44,124 --> 00:44:48,004
And we love to create and make better things all the time.

593
00:44:49,007 --> 00:44:54,927
Thank you so much for sharing all of that, sharing your story, sharing your wisdom.

594
00:44:55,727 --> 00:45:00,887
I know that a lot of people needed to hear what you have to say.

595
00:45:01,027 --> 00:45:05,327
And thank you to everyone who tuned in this week.

596
00:45:05,867 --> 00:45:11,647
With May being Mental Health Awareness Month, I have been focusing on the mental

597
00:45:11,647 --> 00:45:18,047
health aspects of being successful as a creative entrepreneur,

598
00:45:18,587 --> 00:45:22,727
a professional artist, whatever your goal is.

599
00:45:22,847 --> 00:45:27,427
If there is a specific topic that you would like to be covered in this podcast,

600
00:45:27,587 --> 00:45:33,327
whether mental health related or something else related to being successful,

601
00:45:33,827 --> 00:45:41,447
feel free to message Message me on Instagram at thesuccesspalette or email me

602
00:45:41,447 --> 00:45:44,347
at thesuccesspalette at gmail.com.

603
00:45:44,987 --> 00:45:50,087
Thank you and let's have a wonderful, successful week this week.