Surviving the Hate Comments

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Hello, hello everyone, you are listening to The Success Palette,

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a place to discuss everything that you were not taught in school about how to

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be successful in the arts.

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I'm your host Soda and today we are going to talk about hate comments.

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If you are an independent creator, whether you are a podcaster, an artist.

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A writer, whatever it is, you most likely need to upload your work online for others to see.

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And when we do upload something that we love, that we worked so hard on,

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that we put our heart and soul into,

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you will eventually get some sort of negative comments that could range anywhere

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from kind of some rude or unwanted criticism to full on harassment.

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I've dealt with a lot of it myself, and it can really be discouraging.

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So we touched on this a little bit in a couple of other episodes,

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but I wanted to have this full episode dedicated to this subject because it's

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something that I hear a lot about in my community.

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I'm mostly in the art community and it could be really tough.

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So I'm really grateful that my friend Liz Bullard was willing to come on and talk with us about this.

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She is a writer writer and does have some experience working in the mental health industry.

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So Liz, before we get into the subject, do you mind just giving a quick background

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on your writing and a little bit about yourself?

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Sure. So hi, everyone. Thank you Soda for, you know, hosting this. Again, my name is Liz.

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I am an author. I write in the fantasy genre.

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I have a couple of stories out with my main one that I am promoting is Prophecy

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Trilogy, New Moon, which is book one in my three-part series.

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And like Soda mentioned, I'm also, you know, I work my day job.

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It's in that mental health space.

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So really passionate about this and eager to kind of share some tips on how

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people can balance, you know, the feedback and the negativity.

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Yes, and I am a huge fan of Liz's books.

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I actually did some character art for the Prophecy Trilogy. And then for her

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most recent book, Head Rush, I did the cover for that.

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And then I am doing some chapter art for another book. So I will have all of those in the show notes.

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But back to the subject, I want to hear your thoughts on the relationship between being a creative,

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being a highly sensitive person, and someone who might be very susceptible to

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a lot of these really insulting comments that a lot of us tend to get.

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Yeah, that's a really good question. Because I think, you know,

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often we talk about in this industry, you have to have tough skin, right?

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You have to be so strong. wrong, but like, there's so many people in this space

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and some people that are more sensitive or, you know, sensitive about their

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work or shy about their work.

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And it hurts when you get a hurtful comment, whether you have tough skin or

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not, like when people are just being mean, it hurts.

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And so I think it's important to, to be able to know how to turn off some of that sensitivity.

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And what I mean by that is, right, not make yourself hardened.

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I don't think you should change yourself.

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But like thinking about what are things that you need to do to make sure that

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you're protected and don't feel like don't let these comments impact your work and who you are.

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Yes. And, you know, and at least in my experience, I've noticed that even positive

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comments, you could take them too seriously.

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And so I'm I'd love to hear your thoughts about how we can kind of embrace feedback,

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whether it's done in a respectful or condescending way.

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Or praise, but not let it completely change who we are and what our message is.

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And like, that's a good question. And like, I did struggle with that for a while, right?

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So like, you want to be good, right? This is something that you love,

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you want it to be really good.

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And so sometimes in an effort to just want to do the best, you can take in too

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much and you can feel like you're changing so much.

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You don't recognize the work and the work, at least for me, didn't feel good.

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It didn't feel like they were my words or how I would approach it.

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And I think that's when you know that, okay, you've taken the feedback,

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whether good or bad, too far, right?

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When you no longer recognize it in a positive way, right? It doesn't feel like growth.

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It just feels like a change that you just are uncomfortable with.

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So to kind of balance that is, you know, sit with stuff, right?

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Whether it's positive, negative, you know, sometimes we're really passionate

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about our project and don't want to change anything.

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So like sit with that information, right? Sit with, you know, why don't you like this?

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You know, why do you resonate with this? You know, sit with,

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you know, is this someone that's really trying to help me or is versus someone

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that's really just trying to be hurtful, right? So just kind of like sitting with that information.

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So that way you can make a logical decision on what to do with that information.

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I love what you said about considering the why behind whatever it is that person said.

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Are they giving you this feedback because they are an expert in this field and

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they care about you and they really, really genuinely want to help you?

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Or is it coming from a place of malice? Because a lot of times,

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you know, people just want others to feel bad.

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What are some reasons that people do this, that, you know, people want to drag

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other creatives or people in general down online?

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Right, that's the magic question, right? And I think if we can figure that out,

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maybe we can get rid of all of them.

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And, you know, I will throw out kind of like my hypothesis, right?

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So like, some people can be triggered, I believe, by other people's freedom, right?

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So like, if they see you out there just being who you are, sometimes I feel

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like that could be really triggering for them because maybe they've been told

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that they can't do that, that they can't pursue something that they love,

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that they can't live this free life.

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And when they see someone else kind of living contrary, it's kind of like they're

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repeating what someone did to them, right? So there could be that context.

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There could be, right, an element of jealousy, right?

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Like they really feel like, you know, they could be confusing,

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feeling, admiring your work with, oh, I'm jealous.

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And like, they're reacting that way when they just need to reframe and say,

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like, you know what? You admire their work.

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That's okay. You don't need to tear it down.

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Sometimes people don't realize what they're doing. They're just kind of responding,

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whether they want attention from those comments, right?

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You see people, sometimes someone will make a negative comment and then they

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repost it or everyone goes and they are talking about it.

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And some people that's really beneficial for them, like they want that limelight. Right.

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So, you know, there's a variety of reasons that people may respond that way.

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And, you know, again, you kind of decide, do you want to feed into that?

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Do you want to ignore that kind of like what's your approach? That makes sense.

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That totally makes sense, because I know that a lot of people,

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if they feel insecure about themselves, they want to make other people feel

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insecure, too, because it's like a power trip.

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And if they if other people if they drag other people down, it kind of,

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has a false sense of them being

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lifted up absolutely but you

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know even with us knowing that a lot of these hate comments do come from other

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people's insecurity from people just being malice and that they're not true

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we can't help but feel angry or embarrassed or depressed or defeated or,

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you know, this nervousness of picking up their negative vibes.

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How can we deal with these natural impulse reactions when logic kind of fails us?

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Like we know that, you know, it's illogical, but we just can't help but feel that way anyway.

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Absolutely. Right. So we're human, right? And things they stick, they hurt us. Right.

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So one thing that comes to mind is like setting some boundaries for yourself,

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especially if you know you, right?

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There's some people that can look at all these comments and really sort out

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the positive from the negative, really look at the comments and not be affected

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or really be able to shift that language into something that's helpful for their work.

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And if you're cool like that and you can look at that, fine.

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Look at that information and be analytical.

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If you're not, right, you don't have to necessarily check out every comment,

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you know, you know, you could kind of scan and, you know, you can kind of do your own weeding out.

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If it's something positive and you want to interact, do that.

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If it's negative, you know, you might say like, you know, I'm not going to interact with it.

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This author, Geneva Rose, I like how she kind of framed it.

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She's an author who got a bad review and she handled it really well.

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And it kind of really propelled her, her career a little bit.

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That she was talking about.

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We'll talk in the writer space for a second. So comments that are on Amazon

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or Goodreads, those are for other readers, right?

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Those are for other readers to understand about your book. That's not for you, the author, right?

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If someone messes at you or they email you, that's criticism for you that they want for you, right?

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So you may filter out, like, you know what? They didn't respond to me directly.

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They might have commented or added me, but they did not email me directly.

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So I'm not going to put all my effort, my attention into this.

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Right. And you might use that as your internal filter.

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You might also kind of like if someone is negative, you may kind of say like, you know what?

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I know their intention is to make me upset.

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So I'm just not going to do that. I'm just going to either kind of say something witty.

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I'm going to regain my control and not let them know that I'm hurt and kind

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of like make something funny out of this, right?

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So you, again, might reframe and say, like, you know, it's about power.

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So I'm going to reclaim my power.

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Ooh, reclaiming your power. I like that. I'm going to use that.

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And I think the people who are going to have the hardest time with this,

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though, are people who are very new to posting their work, especially if they're new to their craft.

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They're the most vulnerable because, I mean, almost everyone is pretty insecure

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when they first start already.

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And then to hear those negative criticisms, you know, it makes it that much more difficult.

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So I'd love to hear your thoughts on ways that people who are new,

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and they know that they are highly sensitive people.

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How they can kind of ease into posting and not be in that situation where they

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are suddenly bombarded with those,

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maybe like, just posting in some sort of small supportive group in the beginning

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that they know they won't receive that sort of hate?

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I like that kind of like what you just said there, right? So if you're nervous, start small, right?

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Post it for your friends and family and then do one post that's maybe for the public, right?

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Get feedback from your friends and family, people that you know when they're

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critiquing you, it's critique.

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It's not personal. It's not something that's harmful.

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You know they're going to say something in a way that is helpful.

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They're not going to just tell you everything's good, but they're going to tell

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I tell you with the intention of making it better to start small,

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getting your critique group, you know, making, you know, you know,

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that that earlier stuff.

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Right. If you're super nervous, just kind of again, perfecting it to a point

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where you said, you know what, it's good enough for where I am right now.

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And I need feedback from others to make it better. Right.

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You may need that outside input to know what you're doing well and what you're not doing well.

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But until you're at that point, you know, build up your own self-esteem.

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You get comfortable with what you're doing well.

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You know how good your own product is, your own creative craft is.

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And so like whether that means you journal every day about what you did well,

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what you like about it, you know, you look at the work before you put it out

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and you say, okay, these are all the things I like about it.

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So that way, if you get a negative comment and you start to feel like that low

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self-esteem, revisit that list that you've already created and say like, you know what?

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They might not have liked this one thing, but I have five other things that I like about this.

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Or like, you know, when people, you know, say something nice about your work,

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write that down, save it so that way when you do have a negative comment,

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you can go and revisit, you know what?

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I have other people that really like my work. So kind of, you know,

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saving those positive experiences for those times when you might encounter a

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comment that hurts you when you weren't expecting it. All right.

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So you just touched on a lot of things that I am going to want to circle back around to.

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But first of all, so you talked about writing down nice things that people say,

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which I think is awesome.

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But we touched on this a little bit earlier, but it's something that is pretty

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important to me personally.

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I'm trying to kind of get better with this. So there was a period of time where

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I was getting a lot of really, really nice comments.

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And it really boosted my self-esteem. Like, I felt so confident for the first time in my life, really.

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And then things changed and I wasn't getting nice comments anymore.

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I was getting really mean comments. And I realized that I was using those flattering

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messages, those really sweet comments that I got as a crutch for my self-esteem.

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So I think it's important that we maybe discuss some ways that we could build

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up that self-esteem without relying on other people. Do you have any tips?

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Suggestions or tips specifically for that? Really great question.

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And I think, you know, starting with one thing is like, if you notice that like

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the positive reinforcement, like the positive things is becoming a crutch.

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So meaning like you can't function without it, or you think your work is bad

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until someone says something, right?

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Really go and do some self-work and say like, why is that, right?

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Why do you need that level of outside validation?

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And then really work on like validating your own work for a little bit, right?

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Really validating what you like and don't like about your work,

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sitting with that, sitting with, you know, and what I mean by sitting with it,

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it's just like, just let that feeling be, right?

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Like if you're like, ooh, you know what? I really like this.

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You be comfortable with it. You be happy with it, right? It doesn't always have

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to be something that is shared.

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You know what I mean? You be happy being your own cheerleader.

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And that way it's not so much dependent on someone else, Right.

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Like because they like you mentioned, they may not always be there.

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They may not always give you the feedback or see the things that you see in

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the work. So it is good to have outside input.

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But if it becomes so much that you cannot function without it,

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really see kind of like why. Why? Right. Ask yourself, like, why is that?

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And you may figure out like, oh, like, you know what? I appreciate this person's input.

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And when they don't give it, I kind of tell myself the story that it's bad.

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You may feel like, you know what? No one has ever really told me something positive

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outside of my work. So you kind of tie yourself to that.

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So if you're finding that, you know, you are so tied to the feedback,

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just kind of like asking yourself why and see what that kind of comes up for you.

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I love all of those things. And I've actually been implementing some of them

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lately. And I have noticed a huge improvement for me.

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So I want to know, has expressing yourself through creativity helped you at

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all with your self-esteem?

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Oh, another great question. Absolutely. So I really learned to trust my intuition, right?

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Like sometimes I would get into that space of like needing that validation or

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that input put from someone else.

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And, you know, sometimes someone would give advice or critique and I'm just

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like, yeah, I don't really like agree with this. This doesn't fit.

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And I would try and kind of fit into a mold or fit into a framework and then

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feel not really great. Cause I'm like, yeah, this doesn't really fit.

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So through the creative process, I learned to really like me a little bit,

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you know, to really understand how I function and how I do things. Right.

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So I think sometimes I think especially for like women a lot,

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it's like, you know, you have to be like this or you have to do like this or,

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you know, there's some of like a framework of acceptability.

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And I think the creative process, because it is so unique, I really had to get

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comfortable and learn about me.

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What do I like? How do I like to work? Do I like to work in the day?

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Do I like to work in the afternoon?

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Do I like to work with music? Right. I got to really focus on me.

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And that really helped me feel a little bit empowered.

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Like, you know, no, I don't like this or I don't like this product.

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I don't like this software. I like this.

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And so I think it really helped me in terms of confidence because I had to frame

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myself and not someone else.

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Yes. And I bet just seeing your book out there, just nice and polished, You didn't cut corners.

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You really put a lot of love and care into your books.

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And people could see that. And I bet just seeing it out there,

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the way that you envisioned it, whether it sells a bunch or not,

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is really empowering to you.

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Absolutely. And that took time, right? The first First time I started writing,

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I was working on a different novel.

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And in that process, I really, again, I got into my head about like,

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how am I supposed to write?

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What is a writer supposed to do? How is a character supposed to be?

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And by the end of it, I had a story, but not something that I felt.

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Was really me. I just felt like there was something missing.

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And so with this one, I really said, what do you want to do?

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What do you want to write?

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And when I would have those thoughts of like, oh, you're supposed to do it that way.

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I was like, nope, I'm not going to focus on that. I'm just going to do what

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feels right. And that just helped me.

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And again, like I would encourage anyone, like get to know your creative process

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and that will help you filter out stuff.

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Because if someone's just like, I don't like that color, you will be like, yeah, yeah, but I do.

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And I like this color because it represents whatever, right?

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Like you'll know that your intention. And I think that's helpful.

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If you don't really know what you're doing or why, sometimes it's easy to be

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swayed by everything, but gain

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a little bit more confidence in what you're doing, why you're doing it.

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So that way you won't feel so swayed, if that makes sense. Yeah.

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And I mean, that's really what separates us from, you know, organic work from

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maybe AI books or AI art or AI music,

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because you put in so much of your soul and so many,

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every little thing has a reason for it.

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So yeah and that's that's also what what

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makes it more vulnerable when you share it's not

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as vulnerable if you share something made with ai

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because it puts distance between you and your your soul but

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when it's something yeah it's so and i have noticed so i'm still kind of learning

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my my writing skills and i've noticed you mentioned critique groups and such

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earlier or having that small group for both my writing.

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For my art, whatever I do has really helped me.

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And I didn't know if you'd be able to talk a little bit about how you might

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find these groups, some of the benefits of these small groups and how they have helped you grow.

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Absolutely. I think it's really important because sometimes,

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again, in this work, it could be isolating, right?

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You're doing your art by yourself or you're writing by yourself.

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Sometimes your friends and family don't understand that struggle of like,

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I can't find the right word or there's something missing with this.

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And, you know, just that process of like that internal struggle.

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Struggle so being able to have that critique group of like

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yeah like I felt like that like you know I

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felt lost sometimes in the project but don't get up get

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give up because at the end it's going to come together right like

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having someone go through the process

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it's very it gets comforting because like oh yeah like I'm not alone I'm not

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the only person who's like absolutely hated my work right like you know what

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I mean like it's just that sense of camaraderie is so good so like Like you

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can find these different critique groups line in your local org,

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you know, your local communities.

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You can like Google, whether it's artists in, you know, your state,

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artists in your community, different type, you know, if you're a writer,

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book clubs, bookstores, right?

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Again, just kind of like doing a Google search, looking within Facebook groups

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or clubhouse groups, right?

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Finding, and don't be afraid to try out these different groups.

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Just because you go to one, you may say like, I just don't vibe with the people.

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I don't feel comforted. Their style of critique, right? Just because like all

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critique is not the same.

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Some people might be more, we'll say directive or authoritarian with their critique.

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And you might be like, I don't like that. Like, I personally don't like that.

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I like people who frame the questions like, you know, I felt confused.

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Was that your intention? Like, you know, this felt unclear, you know,

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have you thought of ways that you can make it clear?

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Like, help me figure out and dig deeper into my work.

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That really is helpful for me, where some people are just like, tell me black and white.

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I hate it. I love it. You know, so find your different group that speaks the

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language that most benefits you.

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Yes, because I know I left the art community for a long time because I just

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couldn't find any groups that I liked.

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And then I recently did find a couple groups, which I will link down below for

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a positive arts community group.

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But yeah so in conclusion

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what would what's the

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number one thing that you would

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want someone who is about to post for their first time or someone who is has

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been traumatized by a post in the past and scared to post again and they're

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trying to build up that courage what's the main takeaway away that you would

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want them to get from this? Absolutely.

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Being aware of the negative thoughts and the negative stories that you tell yourself, right?

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Like sometimes, especially if we've had that negative experience,

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you know, we, when we're about to try something new, we can talk ourselves out

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of it before anyone else has the chance to.

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And like, if you notice, like for me, like sometimes before I try something

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new, I can convince myself why not to do it. Like, Like you're not going to know what to do.

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This isn't going to look good, all these different things.

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And so I will literally sometimes have to just be like, one,

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two, three, go. And like, just not think about it, just put it out there.

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And sometimes that's been like the best response, right? They're like,

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oh, wow, this is really cool. Or I never thought to do it like this.

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And if I would have listened to that negative thought.

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I would have never shared it. I would have never got that feedback.

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And I would have never learned that sometimes that negative voice is trying

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to help me, but it's not helpful, right?

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So like understand the negative things that you tell yourself and kind of break that down, right?

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If you notice that every time you try to do something new, that negative voice

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comes up, know that, know that like, okay, this is trying to help me.

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It's not being helpful right now because I tried it. I got critiqued.

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I did everything that I can do. I'm going to share this.

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Know that like, if you're telling yourself, oh, this is so hideous,

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this is so, you know, if you're telling yourself that over and over,

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you're going to start to believe it.

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So if you notice that you're doing that, start telling yourself something positive.

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Look at that canvas, look at that, listen to that music, look at,

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reread your work until you can find something positive about it.

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And you might say like, Like when I find three positive things, I'm going to share it.

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But like give yourself like some concrete goals, especially if you feel traumatized

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or really struggle with that, that nervousness with sharing.

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Just give yourself like, you know, your own little rubric or rules.

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You know what I mean? Like, okay, once I have no spelling errors and I have

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my three friends, okay, I'm going to share it.

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You know, whatever that is. But give yourself something so that you can begin

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to conquer like that negative feeling or that negative voice.

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I love that. Love that.

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And again, thank you so much for all of the wisdom that you shared today, Liz.

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And I will make sure to have all your links down below because I'm sure people

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are going to want to check that out after listening.

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And yeah thank you everyone for tuning

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in to this week's episode of the success palette

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remember you can go to the success palette.com for

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all of our social media links and if you want to check out the podcast on any

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other platforms the information will be there if there are any specific topics

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that you would like to hear about,

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please let me know on Instagram through a comment or message, either way.

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And yeah, let's all work together to make this a successful week.