Confronting Body Image and Redefining Manhood: A Journey to Self-Acceptance and Love

Speaker 1: 0:21

Hi, welcome back. We're glad if you're still listening and didn't cancel us after the last episode, thank you. Today is going to be a little bit more serious. We're going to talk about a couple of things that have kind of plagued us both since childhood and throughout our lives, and kind of like how we've realized that these things are still affecting us as adults.

Speaker 2: 0:50

Yeah, I mean we kind of touched upon it a little bit, like in one of the many tangents we had in last week's episode of the ripple effects and how things that happen to us as kids and how it just translates into adulthood.

Speaker 1: 1:12

Yeah, we did talk about it a little bit like the whole like being a good girl thing and how you know I still deal with people pleasing and stuff like that. But one thing I really want to talk about that I struggle tremendously with is body image. I know this is like something that, like you've had to deal with as my husband.

Speaker 2: 1:36

I know it's like, like I said, back to like the memes, like we said, it's just like it's like me looking at my wife and like and like, yeah, it shows. Like it shows like it was actually like a wife, like she's like, oh, like me. Me, after putting on a few pounds and pumping out a few kids, like my husband is like the only thing I'm worried about is getting a boner.

Speaker 1: 1:59

Yeah, it's the Steve Carrell. The Steve Carrell on was like me.

Speaker 2: 2:03

Yeah, exactly that, so we're good.

Speaker 1: 2:05

No, I think, like for me, having had three biological kids and three C sections, I have what is known as the C section shelf. That won't go away, no matter how much weight I lose, and it drives me crazy and I love it. I know Kyle's always loved my stomach, but I hate it. I hate it and it drives me crazy because we'd be like, well, like you're beautiful, like I, like I love it and I'm like, yeah, but I hate it, like just let me get it, tell me talk and be done with it.

Speaker 2: 2:42

Right, I mean, that's like the things that like I need to get better about, because, like in the conversation, that we would have right. I'm like like you tell me about it. I'm like, well, I love it yeah.

Speaker 1: 2:54

Well, I love it.

Speaker 2: 2:55

And you should keep it like, and you're like, well, I hate it, I hate it. I'm like, okay, down with.

Speaker 1: 3:01

Yeah, because remember you were like I think like if you do get a tummy tuck, that like you'll miss it, and I'm like you could not be more wrong. I'm like you don't understand that literally since I was oh my God, for as long as I can remember I have, like stood in front of the mirror and been like, oh my God, what would I look like if my stomach was just flat? Because I never had a flat stomach, like even in my absolute best shape, like in high school, when I was chairing and playing soccer, I always had like a little tummy, like it's just the way my body is and I've always hated it. And I think like and I don't want to shit on my mom because my mom's the best and like my mom, you know, was only 17 when she had me and you know she had her own traumas and she had her own issues of like I need people to know that I'm a good mom because I'm so young, like she didn't want people to. You know, look at us and be like, oh my God, of course her kids are dirty or of course her kids are chubby because she's a teen mom.

Speaker 2: 4:17

Well, right, that's, I mean, that's actually something that she's talked about. She's talked about she's like, I mean, I think not for nothing, I mean I think an episode with her about that because, like, she's only talked about it a lot with us. You know about like and how, like that's something that like things that she's had to learn to deal with, an overcome and recognize. You know things that that in things and how she was with you guys.

Speaker 1: 4:42

Yeah, I really am really fortunate in that sense because she has, like, really done the work and she keeps on trying to improve and I can openly say something to her and she doesn't take offense to it or get defensive. She wasn't learn more, she does. Yeah, she's Get better. Yeah, she's open to hearing what I have to say about it, which is why I'm somewhat comfortable talking about this, because still part of me is like I shouldn't talk about that. But it was very important to my mom that we look a certain way, very important to her. And so you know, I have memories of like there was a year in high school that I didn't cheer. I took my sophomore year off of cheering. I was kind of burnt out for a minute. I had done it my whole life and I ended up going back to my junior year, which I was so happy that I did, but I gained, like I think, 15 pounds or something and I know it bothered my mom and I have memories of like coming down the stairs, like wearing something and like thinking that I looked good in it, and my mom would say, like you can't go out wearing that, you can't go out wearing that, and I think it's like really something that I never thought of it when I was younger. I would just be like okay, and I would go change and I would have my feelings hurt but I wouldn't think too much about it. But I do think now I'm so hyper-critical of myself and I think kind of growing up with that in the back of my head has really affected me, even now at 37.

Speaker 2: 6:38

Right, yes, I mean like in that part right, like, so it's like. It's like how's it trend? Like how do you think it's like translated? Like obviously it's changed you and how you are as a parent too. It's just like. It's like. It's like. One of those things is it's like and learning that and realizing that and how like it's changed the way and how like we don't say anything.

Speaker 1: 7:05

Yeah, I try really hard not to comment on the kid's bodies or like say I don't know. Sometimes I feel like even saying like, oh my God, that looks so good on you is like can be a little bit of like a backhanded compliment in a way, like not you know and I don't know, it's something that's, it's great.

Speaker 2: 7:27

You know, what's funny is that I'd never thought of it like that until you just said it like. It's just kind of like yeah, it's good on you, Do other things not look good on me, Right, it's just like. Cause, like coming like now that you're saying and now like I'm looking at it with a different lens, I'm just kind of like and how like how that kind of comes off in the hands and then how you can interpret it.

Speaker 1: 7:46

Right, instead of it just being like well, you look beautiful and anything, yeah, and like it's what you do look. Oh, thank you it's. If only I believed it. No, Do some of your lies, no yeah. You know I try to implement it with the kids. Like you know me as always in crazy about her hair or whatever, and I'm like but your hair looks good no matter how you wear it. Like you look pretty with your hair down. You look pretty with your hair up, I don't know. Sometimes I feel like even calling them pretty is like not the right thing to do. You know, like with the especially like with the little ones, like I don't feel like we should comment on their looks or their or their bodies, that it should just be more like wow, like look at your legs, they're so strong, they carry you throughout the day, like you can jump for an hour on the trampoline. Like that kind of thing is like more like the body talk that I want to have with them. But I just think, like especially with girls, like that, wow, you're so beautiful. Or like, wow, that outfit is so pretty on. You is like and I know this is something even you've tried to do with the girls Like you asked Camila, like, oh, how do you feel in that, in that?

Speaker 2: 8:59

outfit Right, because, like, not even realizing, it's like this goes to show you like and how much like we really work hard and understanding like it's in these formative years that how we say things to our kids is how they're gonna interpret and handle relationships as they get older. Like so, for instance, when it comes to my girls coming to me and obviously like they'll do fashion show, Like they got some clothes, like I'm gonna put it on and something like that, it's like they're coming to me. Well, how do I look? And I saw something and it really hit home to me. It's just like. So how I answer this is gonna basically be like well, I need my dad's opinion to validate how I looking, something. So they have to translate to them as they get older. I need someone to validate Whether or not if I look good not so much of I feel good.

Speaker 1: 9:58

Yeah, and I wish that I had that like intrinsic belief, like, oh my God, like I'm beautiful, no matter how much weight I have on me or how much I don't have on me, or how you know if my face is breaking out, or you know, because I'm so hyper critical of myself that like I'll be like, oh, this outfit is nice, but like look at my arms, I can't wear this out. Or like I won't even look at pictures of myself or videos of myself.

Speaker 2: 10:28

Yeah, cause, like this, like time is out. Like you'll ask me like, oh, how do I look? And then, like, I'll tell you that, like, oh, you look gorgeous. Like, oh, I hear, like, and I'm like what even? Like, where was this even coming from? And you know, kind of. Getting back to like Camila, like, real quick, like one thing I will do differently with like Camila well, just with the kids in general, like, oh, how do I look? Well, most importantly, how do you feel in it? Yes, like, how do you feel If we look at yourself in the mirror? Like, how do you feel? Well, I love it. I'm like Carol, that's what matters, that's all that matters, it's all that matters. Like, do you love it that, if you're feeling yourself, like, feel yourself.

Speaker 1: 10:58

Yeah, and then you do, because even if I'm like, oh my gosh, like you're so beautiful, do you know that she's like yeah, I know, oh, yeah, she does like the little you know, and that's what it should be. But this is like you're not even I don't know. Like to me it's like and our kids are beautiful, they have traditionally beautiful faces, but does that even matter? Like they're so beautiful as people, right. Like they're so kind, they're amazing sisters, they're funny, they have these personalities that, like we couldn't even dream up. You know to why do we feel the need to comment on their looks, Right? I wish that that that wasn't something that I went through as a kid. But I mean, I think most people do, right, I think it's just kind of how society is. But I know like, as a woman, getting calls pretty or beautiful or whatever, like that gives you so much outside validation. And then you know you put on weight or your face changes, or you're pregnant or you're breastfeeding, and now your boobs are down to your belly button and all that stuff, and now you're like, okay, but if I'm not pretty anymore or my body's not great anymore, then what even am I?

Speaker 2: 12:22

Damaged goods, yeah, yeah, yeah, like what goes through your head it's just like your, your like, like, and then it's just all these different things and then it's just, it's such a vicious cycle because then it just, you know, it's like that cycle that you enter, that now you just cannot get out of it. Like it's just, and then you just it starts getting progressively worse and worse and then it starts affecting your relationships and things like that. So a lot of people don't understand like and how it can spiral from there if you let it, naturally. But it's like to get them back to. You know how it was. You know, for me, like, it's funny because we'll go back and look at photos, and both of us had a lot of weight on ourselves at one point. We're still feeling the fuck out of ourselves because like, like, I look back at those like Miami photos and like, now we look at it, now we're just like, yee, but when we were there, like I was feeling myself, I thought I was like freaking, smooth cruise, freaking. I didn't do that with a little little pants, some of the, I mean like the shorts.

Speaker 1: 13:27

Shorts of like that, like, like. Yeah, I was wearing a crop top.

Speaker 2: 13:30

Yeah, like it's like we looked great, like in. Like, in, like it was because of like, that was like our love. It was just something so different, like it's like I never saw you anything different. Like we were my wife. Like I loved you in every. Yeah, you've loved me at every. I loved you at every single stage. Yeah, like. And I've been obsessed with you at every single stage. Yeah for sure, I've never loved you any differently. It's, I've loved you like, like I said, I'm stupid in the head about it, so it's like. But it's things that now, in realizing that it's like there's no amount of love that I could give you, that's gonna fix that cause it's not for me to fit.

Speaker 1: 14:12

Yeah, yeah, it's something I have to fix.

Speaker 2: 14:16

Right, it's something that like cause, like cause. Like I could tell you to own blue in the face, I can show you, I can reassure you, I can do all these different things to you. If it's something and how you perceive yourself, Like in and it's like the same thing it goes into. Like, like body dysmorphia, like it goes into.

Speaker 1: 14:29

Oh, I literally have it.

Speaker 2: 14:31

Yeah, like you look at yourself in the mirror like and like this time that I've said to you I'm like you know, I just really there are times that I really wish that you could just see yourself with my eyes. You know what I'm saying. I've said that to you and you're like yeah, I wish I could.

Speaker 1: 14:45

I wish I could too. Yeah, well, like through the kids' eyes, right, because I think, like they don't even, it's not even something that they think about. They just see me. They just see their mom, like they want me, no matter. You know what I mean. Like I think like, oh, I don't take pictures with them if, like, we're on the beach or whatever, because I don't, and then I'm like, but then they don't have those pictures, right, yeah, and they don't see me any. You know what I mean. Like they just see their mom that loves them and plays with them, and they're going to want those pictures of me, no matter what I looked like at the time. So I know that like, logically, right, like my brain, I never even saw it, yeah, and I know that logically, like my brain, like I've evolved enough to know that. But I'll take the pictures, but I won't look at them. I mean, I have legitimate body dysmorphia. Like to the point out, like, so I've lost 50 pounds, right, if I have like a bad day of eating and this is a whole nother thing, a little like foods that are intrinsically good or intrinsically bad, like it's just like a whole thing, right, but it's, that's probably a whole nother episode and then say I'm like, oh, that is store and I'm passing a mirror. When I go to pass the mirror, I literally think that I'm going to look at myself and I'm going to have those 50 pounds back on me Because I ate bad that day. It's very, very messed up, you know. I think it's kind of contributed to like my disordered eating because I either am like all in on eating healthy or I'm like I want, you know, I'm gonna spiral and eat like shit and I'm not going to exercise. I'm very all or nothing with it, like we've talked about, like I need like a very disciplined situation to get to to lose the weight that I want to lose. Instead of just like being consistent with my eating and exercising, I feel the need to like go all in. Even like when I was going to run that half marathon, like I went from like not running to just running six miles a day because that's just like my mindset on things like it. I ended up injuring myself, you know, because I that's not how you should do things. But I want like that instant gratification. I want like that like I need to lose these other 25 pounds because I want to be the weight that I was in high school. That's like my thing right now. Right, and I want, I want it. I want it fast. So what is my thought process? Like let me do 75 part again, because then I'll, then I'll stick to it and then I'll lose the weight fast instead of just like eating mostly healthy and like going for a walk every day and eventually. You know what I mean like and you know, maybe in six months I'll be at that weight. But for me it's like that goal of like being at my high school weight is like almost what's going to give me I'm not sure, like the word that I'm trying to find right now, but like that's then I'm going to be good. You know what I mean. Like then I'm going to be good. So you know, I think like, for me it's like getting to my high school weight. Like then I feel like okay, like then I'll be, then I'll be good. Like then I'll finally feel like, oh, this is the, the body that I want, right.

Speaker 2: 18:27

Yeah. But I know logically like that's not true, right, I think because they're just going to find the next flaw, the next flaw, the next flaw, and that's kind of like it's the whole.

Speaker 1: 18:38

Anywhere you go there, you are right. Like you, I could lose all that weight, but I'm still me and I'm still going to find something that I don't like about myself.

Speaker 2: 18:53

Yeah, that's, that's crazy, that's that that I actually really like that. Like I've never heard it like that. But you're right, I mean like you and I have had this conversation plenty of times before where, like it's like you tell me oh well, this, this is what I wouldn't want. Like I'm like, I would ask you, like if, if we could snap a finger right now and you could be who you want to be, like what would it be? Oh, I would boom, boom, boom.

Speaker 1: 19:22

Flat stomach and perky boobs again.

Speaker 2: 19:27

Mine make off like that like, and I was just kind of like okay, and then it's just like, and then it just goes the next thing and it's just like.

Speaker 1: 19:34

But it's kind of sad right, because it's like I'm so much more than my body, right, and I know that like I'm a loving wife, I'm a loving mom, like I'm kind, I'm a good sister, I'm a good daughter, like I'm funny, like you know, I'm a good friend, like I have such a full and happy life. But this is my Achilles heel, this is like my I can't. I don't know, I can't. I've had such a hard time getting out of this when it comes to my body.

Speaker 2: 20:12

Yeah, yeah, for me, for me now, my Achilles heel has been, obviously I was very over sexualized as a kid. So therefore, you know, what was once something that kind of like I wore like a badge of honor was something that I it ended up almost like destroying me. Yeah, yeah, I think about it as a kid, like you know, I was exposed to, to, to sexuality at such a young age, right, and I just I just think of it as that. It's like my mind and you know and I was here as your kid you're trying to navigate these feelings, and it's not something that you talked about, it's not something that it was discussed. You're just navigating these, these emotions and these feelings all over the place and like you're just experimenting.

Speaker 1: 21:10

You're doing this, you're just doing that and you just it's all these different things and I mean you're so young like your brain actually doesn't have the capability to process what you're seeing, and then, if you can't bring it up to a safe adult, it's.

Speaker 2: 21:25

You just left it to kind of figure it out on your own. So I remember, like you know, being a kid, like you know, I was putting myself in precarious predicaments since I was 10 you know what I'm saying like, and, and you think about that like Jesus Christ, 10 years old, yeah, you know, and like you're doing these things right. And you know, in a lot of it had to do with the fact too, of that like, especially as a male, right, as a man, like it was white, it's time, um, like for me, it, it. It was almost like bonding with like my father, like it was kind of like having a bunch of girlfriends, like bagging as many girls as you could. It's like, yeah, the man, you're a stud, like there are all these different things, right that was how you showed that you were a man, correct? right, like this equaled this, yeah, and that was how it was, and so like for me. But I think about, like the absolute carnage I left in in in my path, like I used to just play with girls, feelings like I would like awaken, like the love in people, like the love in a female, like with no intentions of loving them back, other than just to get what I wanted out of them, to feed my own selfless desires because of what I, how I perceived love and what and what this, this kind of like this like animal that was inside of me. It was like this, this, this, this sexual nature of me. Like, like I've always talked back to, like I'm, like we're, we're so much like we're animals, like, yeah, the way I was, it's a, it's a carnal feeling, right, like. So here I am. I have, like this, this innate desire and and and and, kind of like a hunger that I need to basically feed, right, and I would feed yeah and but with no idea as far as why I did it, and it's something that has plagued me for like my whole entire life, in the sense of that, like I constantly, constantly was just going from like girl to girl to girl to girl, like I, I could just never be alone. I never wanted to be alone and and for a long time, you know, I was validated by having a girl in my arm and that was like my validation in the sense that, like I wasn't a man unless I had one or two girls Like you're like or like the way. It is just how fucking gross my mind was at the time of like well, how many horses you got in the stable. Yeah you know what I'm saying. Like Like they're looking back. I'm like, yeah, I was thinking full, stable, like like you know what I'm saying, and it was those things that I look back and like I hated about myself and that's the thing is like in in those times, like I've had relationships with, with Great people that you know all they wanted to do was just be there for me and like I just shit on them. You know, and you know it's like things like that I think about like how many and like who knows what how I could have been, could have. Now that's changed their trajectory. Yeah and how they view relationships, how they view men, how they view things like that, and I like not even thinking about like, and how many Trajectories I've skewed because of my own skewed view right. Mm-hmm, all the collateral damage, the collateral damage, like the ripple effect. It's like not understanding, like and in where all that goes. And it's like, but not only that. It's also just like, not even like. Now I think about it. Now it's just like and how, how? How much more I think intimacy matters To women that it does to a man. To a certain extent, I think it's like, when I view it Now I feel that you know for women, for, for, for a woman to give herself To someone like you're given, like a part of, like your soul, like you're given so much of a part of, like your, your, your emotions, and like your heart and everything where I think men can, can really like we can be selfish, I think like, and like we can view it or not.

Speaker 1: 26:12

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 26:13

You know what I'm saying and it's something that, like, you know also, man, when the opposite way to like, by the thing, yeah, I do think generally.

Speaker 1: 26:24

Like for guys it can be just sex more than it can be for women not saying that it never can just be about that but From my perspective, like just speaking for me for sure, like I I the kind of always I always took sex more seriously. Like I only Like I was never like a one night stand type person, you know what I mean. Like I was like in relationships, that type of thing, because it just was never something that I felt like that, like I could just do it and not have any feelings attached to it.

Speaker 2: 27:05

And that's the thing is like for me, like a part of like how screwed up I was in the head that like I used to, like I would like my game was like and this was Essentially the way how I said the ripple effect, like my game was like I would want you to become obsessed, I'd want you to fall in love with me, I'd want you, I would want complete and out of control over you, and then just I'd bring you here just to drop you yeah. And that's like I'm. Like I look back, I'm like what the fuck? Like dude, you're a sick, and that's so much of what you know I think about like what I grew up seeing like and I never saw. And like, like you know, I see, like my I used to see, like my dad, like you know uh, you know, I'm just just just learning and you know what I'm saying like you know, things I would see indirectly.

Speaker 1: 28:03

Yeah, and I think like that's just what you thought being a man Was right, and I think you'd think like, oh, like kind of like. For me, like, oh, once I get to this week, like then I'll be happy, and for you it's like well, once I, once I have sex with this girl, I'll be happy. Or like once I bring home, though that, you know, once I come home with two girls and they're fighting over me, then my dad will finally be proud of me.

Speaker 2: 28:28

Yeah, it's like. So that's just kind of like in a way, it's like it's most because this thing is like my dad like, essentially like lived through me, like it was. It was kind of a while of those those situations that like we didn't realize at the time that, like you know, I remember like here and like, like some of like, some of like At the body says, and stuff like that, when they said he's like, oh man, he's like. You know, you guys get the baddest girls and stuff like that, like and like, like and like. You know it was like almost like they're like oh, hey, call over some of the girls that day, you guys. And it's just like I'm not even thinking like, yeah, yeah, yeah, cool, like and stuff like that, like nobody was thinking anything of it. And then it's just kind of like and like it was and like, yeah, come over here, come over here, like, yeah, I'm gonna call to the big kid table, like you know what I'm saying and you know we get called over, and it was like we were like applauded and you know it's like I think back, like obviously, like then at the time, like in you know the time, like you feel, like the fucking man, like you feel like, like you know, like it's like they're just swinging in the room, like it's like it's like yeah, look at me like it's like, it's like you're just like strutting, you know, and you just chase that feeling, you just chase that, and that's what I did, and so for a long time, those are things that brought me happiness. But in all reality it was a, it was a shell. You know it wasn't, it wasn't true happiness, it was just. But you know what it was, it was, it was, it was that instant gratification and kind of like how you were saying like it's that instant gratification. That's why you're always chasing it.

Speaker 1: 30:12

You've said like you, like it feels good while you're doing it. And then this right, you would say right, when you were done, you would be like, why the fuck did I do this?

Speaker 2: 30:20

There was so many times that, like I put myself in these positions where I'm like I should not go to where I'm about to go, I would go, things would happen, and I'm just laying there. I'm like, what the fuck did you just do? Like I'm literally like I'm just saying it to myself like what are you doing? Like why are you here right now and not even understanding? Like, and then just shaking it off, you know what? Yeah, and doing it again.

Speaker 1: 30:49

Yeah, and doing it again, then doing it again.

Speaker 2: 30:51

It's like and that's what I'm, that's what I was saying. Like it's like that thing that you just don't understand. It's like it's like being being and on the rollercoaster and like not knowing that you can get off it. It's the beast you can't tame, right. And so, like you know, you know so now, like, fast forward, like I'm like this for the most part, I'm like this for the most part, you know. So now, like fast forward, like I'm like this for the majority of my life, like I am like you know, I am just Meeting girls, talking to girls, and that's why I always said like, said about like if I met you at any other point of my life, we would not, we would not be here right now. Right, I said that to you. I remember like what time is it? Dana said it to me. She's like, oh, I think, make it she's. I'm like, no, nana, I was like not, not who I was. Then, right, I was like I would not have allowed that to happen Because I was just so in my own shit, you know what I'm saying like it just wouldn't have been like it, which is so funny because you and I probably Were always like this throughout life, and like there was times that our paths have crossed probably most likely, but and yet it was just never destined to meet at that point in time. And you know, like I said, it's just like you know, if it was any other time you would have just been A victim right or you would have just been that that, that person that I built up just a drop, yeah, and it's something that it took a lot from me at some points where it was something that I had to dig really deep and like there's a few of them, like when I think of like, like, my like, like High school sweetheart and stuff like that, where I've like gone back later on in life and apologized them. Like you know, I'm sorry, like I shouldn't have just did that to you, you know, and like other people that like were good people to me, that I'm like you know I was really a shit bag, like I'm sorry, yeah, you know, and like just you know, in which, in which, in hopes that like obviously doesn't change anything that I did, but it's like at least it made me feel better about knowing that like I'm somewhat cognizant of it, but I was still doing that shit, like it was so fucked up, like and it's like I felt bad but I didn't and that's, and it became like this massive manipulator, like man, like, like at one point, like I'm juggling like seven girls. They all knew about each other. That was a Fucking crazy part. They all knew about each other and it became a freaking contest.

Speaker 1: 33:35

Yeah, I can remember you like telling me all this, like when you? Yeah, when I did my cell phone, the second date, yeah, third date.

Speaker 2: 33:42

Yeah, I can't date at least. Yeah, I did my cell phone.

Speaker 1: 33:48

And obviously we've had so many instances like this throughout our relationship where I've been like you know, like that's not, like how things should be right, like I need you to like like can we, can we just have a reality check here? Like that's not.

Speaker 2: 34:09

Normal. Well, why in like, so like? But for understanding like in my life that was completely normal.

Speaker 1: 34:15

Oh, I know.

Speaker 2: 34:16

I know you would I talk about that all the time that, like my normal and your normal are two different normals, mm-hmm, because it's you only know what you know. If your life is what it is, it's horse blinders. This is your reality versus this is my reality. This is what it is, that I grew because you know what it is. Everybody that's in my reality all does the same exact thing, right, and then so for you to say, well, your reality is not normal. Well, how did you like what everyone's doing, that everyone's everyone's doing this? You guys aren't doing this. You're the weird one.

Speaker 1: 34:48

Get out of here like that, like, and in it's those things, right, and you know it's like what you, what you talked about on a previous episode, when we were talking about like your ex and you said you know you would, you would never be faithful to Anybody and you would be unfaithful with her. Like that, that's who you would be unfaithful with. And you know you were telling me things like you were dating someone Fairly seriously, but your ex would be sleeping over your house in your bed. Oh, it was, and I'm like what are you talking about? Yeah, I'm like.

Speaker 2: 35:34

That's not like when I think back to like certain points in like my life when I'm like, literally I had my, my kids mother living with me and Then I had a relationship with somebody else. Yeah, that was my life at one point. Yeah, and like it was, I'm gonna make this work because I love this girl, what's like. I like this is like the absolute mental gymnastics I was doing at the time. Yeah, and it was because, like I just did not know what the hell love was. I had no idea what any of this shit even meant. Like I had no idea, like I'm just Chased. I didn't even know what the hell I was chasing. Like it was just something like I just wanted something so different, so badly, that I didn't even know what it was. And if you were slightly different, I was just this is it? This is this is really one, because golden ticket like this is exactly what it is I've been looking for and it's like, and it's like it's not.

Speaker 1: 36:43

Yeah, this was like a really hard thing, I think, for me to kind of Accept about you, like accept about your past, because remember, like for a long time I would be like, well, do you miss it? Like do you, I feel like you miss being like that, like cuz, you know you're only, you're only having sex with me, like is this like gonna be enough for you? Because From everything you've explained to me, it doesn't seem like it.

Speaker 2: 37:14

Yeah, I always make the dotee. I'm like, don't worry, all your personalities make a board. It's like a seven in one package. But no, no, no, no, it's no, because, see, that's the thing is that I found, I Found love, like I learned what love finally was, and but why do you think it changed for you?

Speaker 1: 37:38

I?

Speaker 2: 37:40

Think it was some. I think the reason why it did change for me was that it was it was that day that it was the last time that I tried making a work with my ex for the sake of the kids and I'm. I was Bouncing around the same girls I bounced around at the time like it was a good rotation, like honestly, it was a freaking rotation.

Speaker 1: 38:04

Yeah, they were just waiting for you guys to break up, so right, I could have been the safe.

Speaker 2: 38:09

It's like, you know what I'm saying. Like no and In and in. What's crazy was that? Like as much as that. There were a rotation for me. I was a rotation for them. Yeah and it was just like this. It's insane, it did it absolutely sanity that like, in how much, like that reality, just it was that cycle. It was a cycle everybody and I never forget. It was like that time that like, literally, I'm like in a puddle of like my own, like tears, like in the fetal position, like In my front room on the floor, like absolutely miserable, like and just feeling so empty and cold and just like. This cannot be life like this cannot be. I Remember praying to God like I'd never paid him many heart or that this moment of my life Like it was, like it was my turning point. It was like where I hid, like that, that, that that Breaking point where I am like you can, you did not put me on this earth for For this to be life and did that this is exactly what I'm intended to do and go through and like, if that's the case, take it now. Like, if you're a sick puppy, puppy too like and and this is what we're here for take it now, take my life now. There was a way they said and I just Couldn't understand if the life of me and I'm just praying to God, I'm like, just show me, like what I got to do? Just give me a sign, give me something, give me something, and, and you know, finally, like my alarm clock goes off. I have to get ready to go to work, put on my boots, watch my face and like, put on a smile again, I'm off to work. And then, as the day progressed, like it clicked things out of clicking. All right, dude, like you've been doing everything this way and guess what? It hasn't worked for you. It hasn't worked. So why are you gonna keep on doing? Let's do something different now. Go completely against it. I'm like, okay, so at that point I chose to just be by myself. I Chose to not have to run back to somebody. Right, it caused for me to be in a very uncomfortable situation because of, obviously, now I'm going against. It's like withdrawals. It's like like I've told you before, like I, I could not be without it, and that was another thing like I could not be without sex. Like I was just like I needed it numerous times a day. And like like it was just say I needed that and and it caused for me to just be uncomfortable for so long that I'm sick. Oh, my god, like I Mean that I met, yeah, but it was like One of those things out when I, when I met you and I started to get to know you, I'm like this is different, like this is someone who is Not in my circle, this is somebody who is a complete stranger, this is somebody who's like you were just automatically different in all in all respects, say, and Like I've always said, it's like for me, like I always had an inclination of, like I think this she's I exactly what I need in my life. And then I met your family on my gamme done, done, like I'm sold, like it was sold, and and that because it was everything I needed in my life, it was everything. It was just like I'm like, wow, like this is what happiness is, this is what love is, this is what family is, this is all these different things, right, and? And in that process, that's what healed me, right, that's what kind of vanquished that that dragon of of of. You know I needed the validation of, like all these different women and and you know I no longer being a man wasn't freaking, having all the chicks and having all that stuff. Being a man was being a good husband, being a man was being a great father, like like that's what being a man was like you taking care of your family and stuff like that. I learned that from my, your uncles and and grandpa and and something that like dad yeah, exactly like like I Learned that from from seeing them as their examples, like seeing them with their wife, seeing them with their kids, seeing them with their grandkids I'm like, wow, like this is being a man right and Feels like I said, it's just like for so long it's like you only know what you know and you didn't have that example. No, it was. You know I and like I said, I remember like, even like going to like the gym and like I work out with older guys and you know we'd be in the gym and and and stuff like that and like they're all like I do, like for you. Once you get into this, we go. Who'd you get into this weekend? Like you know, it was that choke, like and same thing. I remember, like working for companies and like, yeah, like I used to work with old timers, that was just like, like it's like they just wanted to just like live vicariously through you hate and Not understanding that it was such I was putting myself like this such vicious cycle, like and it was something I couldn't get out of him but like and how much Misery I called myself, like, how much misery I've caused for other people, how much misery I've caused, like my own kids and like Again back to like collateral damage, like let's talk about, like you know, positions I've put like my family in because, like now I got a crazy axe that's like all of a sudden stock it us. That's all of a sudden like doing this and doing that and like, and then like they're trying to poison the world, with other people, and then, like, relationships fall apart, like, and friendships fall apart, like, it was just this toxicity of like yeah, giant cloud, a giant cloud of talk, yeah, yeah it was just a yeah cloud of shit. It was just an absolute shit storm and things like that, and and it's just so funny, like I said, it's just like I was talking about it with you the other day, like you know when I think about and how it started and how it's something that Started ever since I was a kid, like that over sexualization and that how I felt I needed to chase this Physical touch. Like I needed to chase this, this and like this how love was measured. I mean, it probably changed your brain chemistry seeing it at such a young age.

Speaker 1: 45:25

It did because it's like a dopamine, it's a dope with me in head Right and so, and that you're just constantly chasing that dope in chasing a hit, yeah.

Speaker 2: 45:35

Chasing a hit, yeah. And then it manifested itself into a bond, in a bonding moment or a proud moment between, like my myself and my father. And chasing that feeling like that next dope being hit of like your parents love. Yes, yeah, you know what I'm saying. I do like. And then Then getting older, having like your own kids, and then realizing it's just like, yeah, I would. I would kill Somebody if my daughter ever bought home somebody that was like me at that time fucking murder. Yeah, like you're not gonna do that to my kid. You're not gonna do that.

Speaker 1: 46:24

But you were doing it to people, yeah, yeah, and obviously like you don't see it that way, right, because you're young too and you're not seeing someone as somebody's baby, right, you're not seeing someone as somebody's daughter. But obviously then you have your own kids and you're like, oh Jesus, and it, I mean I would never just to go back to, to my body image issues, right, I would never talk to my kids the way that I talked to myself About my body, right, but I don't even, I don't even see it that way, I don't even see it that way, like we're talking about it. So I'm realizing it because, like, obviously you know, you had to rewrite your brain. You had to rewire your brain and the way that you think about sex and the way that you think about what being a man is Right, and I am still like, actively working on rewiring my brain about my body and why it makes me feel like I'm a man, about my body and why it matters so much to me and in the way that I talk to myself.

Speaker 2: 47:31

It's like one of those things, it's just like you. Just it's that constant evolution to just want to just become a better person, for not only for yourself, but for your kids.

Speaker 1: 47:40

Yeah.

Speaker 2: 47:43

That's good.