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When life threw a health scare my way, it forced me to confront the oft-neglected necessity of self-care, a revelation that I'm eager to share with all of you. This episode is a heart-to-heart on the transformative impact of the 75 Hard program on both my physical health and mental fortitude, particularly in the demanding role of a stay-at-home parent. We unravel the layers of emotional challenges, from handling loss to battling emotional eating, and how the disciplined regimen of 75 Hard carved out a path to a more balanced and healthy life. Alongside that, we salute the unsung heroes at home, acknowledging how the health and well-being of a stay-at-home mom deeply influences the family's dynamic.
Juggling a busy work schedule with personal commitments is no small feat, something we dissect with brutal honesty. The episode weaves through the complexities of achieving that elusive work-life harmony, sharing the gritty details of what happens when team members drop the ball at work or when personal routines get derailed. But it's not all hurdles and setbacks; join us as we celebrate the small wins and the unwavering support of partners who help keep our ship steady. Whether it's advice during a dog walk or encouragement to stick with self-improvement despite the chaos, these are the moments that underscore our capacity for resilience and dedication.
Lastly, we tackle the hard-hitting issues of how our lifestyle choices ripple through our family life, shaping the environment our kids grow in. We'll explore the life-altering decisions such as reducing alcohol intake and the powerful influence this can have, not only on our health but also on the example we set. And on a more somber note, we confront the shadows of our past experiences and how they can inadvertently affect our relationships and family. Be ready for an intimate dive into the moments of clarity that redefine our priorities and lead us down a path towards a conscientious and healthier existence.
00:00 - Prioritizing Health and Self-Care in Parenthood
07:24 - Work-Life Balance Challenges and Excuses
14:25 - Challenges and Changes in Lifestyle
23:54 - Reflections on Drinking and Anxiety
39:07 - Realization About Infidelity and Priorities
Um, last episode we talked about our beginnings, right? So today we're going to talk about where we are now and how we've kind of gotten to this point lately. Yeah, definitely.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:So um I just finished 75 hard last week, 75 hard hard days.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:Um, but you were the one that suggested it to me originally.
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'll just, I'll just never forget that. It was just that point where we just kept on going back and forth Me has kept on all these different excuses and shit and we just just done, and and I think it was what really triggered it was a conversation that we had that you know, you had a, we had a health scare in the sense that, um, you found a lump in your boob and, um, I remember that obviously the downside of being a small business owner, right, and um, you know, we provide our own health insurance and at the time when we selected our health insurance, we selected our health insurance based on the kids on the kids on the kids on who their doctor was, who the doctor was, who he covered and ended up retiring yeah.
Speaker 1:And then he is the best. He is the best, yeah.
Speaker 2:I mean, it was just one of those things, and then but yeah, Just not even thinking about ourselves Like what.
Speaker 1:What would happen if something happened?
Speaker 2:to one or the other, being a parent, right, like, and how you put yourself last, and but I think that what made me suggest 75 hard was that because I'm like what good are we to them if we don't take care of ourselves, like that was like the realization that I had, that I'm just kind of like, like we're older, like we're getting older, like like you know, as you always said, pissing on the fence of 40. Yeah, exactly Pissing on the fence of 40. And and, and you know, like I said, it's just like every day we wake up and, like you know, something else hurts? Yeah, I get up a little bit slower, I lose a little bit more hair. I might have an extra like roll or not, or something like that, and it was just in, like my eyesight sucks to even more the next day and it was just kind of like one of those things and. But I think it was more the perspective of Everything we went through, because in how much on insurance is like didn't cover for you and like, and it was just kind of like that stress and ultimately we'll like screw it, like we'll come up out of pocket.
Speaker 1:We need the peace of mind to make sure that this is okay, and then yeah, basically because I'm not 40 and it wasn't just a screening mammogram that I needed, it was a diagnostic one. We had to pay out of pocket for it, which we did, and that's fine, but it was stressful. It was a stressful time and I just, like you said, realize, like I Run the household right.
Speaker 2:I mean, I mean you run more than that. I mean it's just, if there's one thing that's not spoken with the amount of enthusiasm or the amount of support that it is is like stay at home moms, like I cannot, I mean we, you try to go back to work once and I think it was like, and you're doing overnight because obviously with the kids and the balance and I was running a business and things like that, and you know, I think it was probably like two days and I'm like, yeah, I know, yeah, I know I miss you in bed. This is not working. This is like we will figure something else out. Yeah, but not only that. It's just like you're the hub, like everything goes through you, like without you, it's like we all fall apart, and I think that that's something that a lot of people don't A Give it the credit that it deserves. Like the role of a stay at home mom is so critical and in the development of your kids. You know just, even even for me, like I need you, like Jesus Christ, like, like I'm just like I don't remember anything. My memory is awful, but the thing is, is that like you was just like without you? I just I literally like I don't know, I would forget my head, right.
Speaker 1:And I think that was kind of like the realization that it came to like when I'm like oh my God, like if and the the mask that I have is benign, like it just has to be monitored every six months from from here going forward, but Thinking about the alternative, like if I were sick. Like you know, I'm like I don't even think about myself. I never. I don't take care of myself Right, I had lost weight from my highest point, Like towards like the end of 20, 21, going into 2022, I had lost like about 30 pounds, but then when grandpa died, like that kind of you know, I'm such an emotional eater that kind of went to the wayside and I kept losing and gaining the same 10 pounds, like it was driving me crazy. And so I think, when you suggested like, yeah, do 75 hard, I was like, yeah, you know what? I think that is what. Yeah, I think I need something like very disciplined, very strict, because it's insane, obviously. But you know, it's two 45 minute workouts a day, one of which has to be outside, no matter what the weather is, drinking a gallon of water, read 10 pages of nonfiction a day, which that part's easy for me.
Speaker 2:I love to read, so that's fine.
Speaker 1:No cheat meals, no alcohol. Follow a diet and take a progress picture every day, so it's intense. I mean, it eats up a lot of your time, right, you have to be super, super efficient with your time. We're right.
Speaker 2:And then that was like the biggest thing to that, because I remember, like when we first started it you know we started it together it was just one of those things that like we, I remember, like we both said to one another we're like just fuck it, let's just start. And then like literally made that decision, we started the next day, like we don't wait till Monday, because, like we realized, like when you say oh, I'm going to wait till Monday. I'm going to get the last few days in. I'm like you're already setting yourself up for six, four, four four failure, like you're just basically like I'm ready to get on my next excuse going, you know, and it's just kind of like that was like let me gain another five pounds before Monday. Yeah, let me keep away. Just lose it all back. It's just fuck. Did you realize? Like how flawed logic is sometimes? And just like yo, this does not make sense, but unfortunately that's human nature. Right, that's what we are, and I remember like we started it together and it was awesome, like, and it was just things that that we were doing together. Obviously, you know the support in one another and stuff like that, but my reasons for failing, my reasons for failing, had nothing more to do than the fact of that. For me, it was what I feel it was bad timing, we were down people and that was horrible timing.
Speaker 1:You were finishing two humongous projects and Saugus and some of all. We live in Mithuin, so like that's a pretty far ride Was that. When, like one of your guys, threw out his back, he was out. It was a nightmare.
Speaker 2:You were couldn't find help. We had deadlines to hit. Yeah, it was like it was backs against the wall and, like you know, big shout out to Jojo. What about guys Like I love my guys? That was the biggest thing, man, that um yeah, that was a lot.
Speaker 1:It was a lot.
Speaker 2:So you know I would. I would. You know I'm making a VF for I'm getting my workouts in, I'm doing my thing throughout the day, but then I'm having a, you know, strenuous day, like I'm working, and we'd be working from like 6.30, 7.30 in the morning till like seven o'clock at night, and then we have an hour to get home, do traffic, and then for me, like my life as the boss right, like I have to do paperwork, I have to invoice, I have to estimate, I have to follow up, I have to pull permits, like it's everything else you wanna see your kids. I wanna see my kids, I wanna be there for you. Like you know, there's all these different things and I did it, but it got to a point of where I'm like the business was suffering a little bit Because I'm, like you know, following behind on invoicing, I'm following behind on this, I'm following behind on that because I'm trying to squeeze in this one outside 45 minute. My day doesn't include any of that activity and on top of that, I'm and, like I said, ultimately, in the end, was I still on discipline with certain time frames in the day? Yeah, is there a level of excuses to this? Yes, absolutely, I can say that. Yeah you're willing to own that. I'm willing to own that. Like I think about it now, I'm like you know what, if I was a little bit better at my time, I definitely could have managed that. It was a hard time and, yes, it sucked, but there was times that I'm like you know what, I could have left a little bit earlier. I didn't need to do that because it wouldn't have really affected my next day. So it was understanding the fact of that. Those little moments, like there were moments where I was undisciplined with my time, in which that's still something that I battle with today. Like those things and obviously on the quest of betterment. Right, like you have to acknowledge those faults, like you have to acknowledge like those shortcomings. It's just like what is it that I do? Like what is it in my day? Like, for instance, like you made the great suggestion, like one thing that I love that we do is like we have our walks and we'll go out. We'll go out, just you and I leave the babies there with the kids and-.
Speaker 1:Take the dog.
Speaker 2:Take the dog and we'll go off on our walks and, you know, kind of realign and kind of reconnect and kind of go through things and you'll point out things that'd be like hey, well, why don't you try this? Like and I'm like, yeah, like you know what, like you're right because you know me, like and it's just like you know me better than anybody else. So it's just kind of like you know, I'll tell you, like those things that I don't like and about myself, and then you'll kind of make those suggestions and it's just, and you're right, like and I'll make those changes and realize that, yeah, like you know what, like this is for the better, like and-.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I mean I think you kind of did like you stayed on everything with 75 heart, except for the 245 minute workouts. I mean you were still working out, you were still eating clean like things of that nature, just not fully on it.
Speaker 2:Right, like-.
Speaker 1:I was proud of myself for staying on even after you stopped, because I was like I don't know.
Speaker 2:But once I hit like day 30, I was like, yeah, I'm not stopping now because I've already done this for 30 days, like I'm just gonna keep doing it and then I honestly ended up loving it, because, to acknowledge my own flaws, I would be like I have no time in the day.
Speaker 1:I'm running from here to here to, you know, I'm all over the place with the kids, and then I gotta do laundry and I gotta make dinner and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. But guess what?
Speaker 2:I still did all those things and I did 75 part on top of it, so I was like really not efficient with my time.
Speaker 1:Do you know what's crazy?
Speaker 2:I don't think you would give yourself all the credit of what it is you fucking did, because that was the crazy thing. Because we have, just as everyone knows, we have five kids, we have five daughters. You know. We're talking sports, we're talking friends. We're talking school groups. We're talking preschool, we're talking play dates. We're talking and nevermind that. We're talking laundry. Didn't care, the house didn't care, the dog didn't care me, make sure I have clothes back at me at lunch, like all these different things. It's like, it's insane, like there's a lot of times I don't know how the hell you do it, especially all the driving like right, so it's just like can't work out while you're driving, like it's just all the time that you spent in the car, that you're literally being like you know what? I'm gonna drop the kids off because I have to be here at this time, so I'm gonna go to this park and do my outside walk. I'm gonna do my outside workout in that time frame. So I think it was just definitely making you more efficient with your time.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I was realizing how much time I actually wasted, and that's honestly, and it's crazy. It's crazy to think because I thought I was fucking jam packed in the day, right. I was like, oh god, like I don't have 15 minutes to myself, but I did.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and then that's just the thing it's like. That's the reasons why I think I can say that I made excuses, because look at your day like being a boss. I think to a certain degree you can shut it off and on being a mom you can't shut off and on you're a mom 24, seven, right, yes, and like you did it, and that's why you're a huge motivator for me in that sense and that's why I'm saying I'm like you know what, like you pussy no, I'm sorry. I'm like fuck off, like I don't know.
Speaker 1:No, I would not have said that.
Speaker 2:No, no, no, but it was a crazy time for you, it was a lot but, like I said, I think I ultimately I did give up and like I can acknowledge that for sure, and it's definitely things that I'm working towards and being different about.
Speaker 1:And I'm gonna do it again, so you can do it again. Yeah, I should have set up.
Speaker 2:But it's like one of those things, right, like it's definitely acknowledging that and, like you said, it's just like I didn't want to derail you either. So it was just like I'm like, well, I'm gonna stay on, I'm gonna stay on to the best of my capacity, right? And which, basically, what that ultimately led up to is that, like I would get everything done minus like one workout.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the outdoor workout Right, it would still come on. They walked with me a lot.
Speaker 2:Right for sure, but it was like for the most part, like you know, if I was thinking about it, if it was 75 hard, it was probably more like 95 hard for me, like in the sense of that, like it probably took me 95 days to do 75 days yeah, Because I kind of still stayed with it, but obviously not the full reset.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:But you know, the other thing is too, is that, you know, not letting you give up either. Like it was, like those times. I forget that.
Speaker 1:one night, oh my God, it was like nine o'clock and I just was so busy that day because the kids had dentist appointments and I said no time.
Speaker 2:There's times that the babies only want you, yeah, and like you have to put them to bed. And here you are. You have like a baby in each arm. You're settled in bed, Like you're like. This is like.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and you know I like us having 30 pm bed time. No, but right, like you're in no man's land, you're in no man's land.
Speaker 2:You're just like comfy in your pillow, you got your babies, you're warm and you're like why, why am I gonna get out of this bed, right?
Speaker 1:now and you're like get up and ride the bike. And I'm like, why are you so mean to me?
Speaker 2:Yeah, I'm just like. You don't love me. I do love you. That's why I'm not. That's why I'm telling you to get your ass up.
Speaker 1:I know seriously. Like you would just like be gradually get out of bed and you're just like, yeah, but then I did it, and then I was so proud of myself for not giving up and, honestly, like the kids supported me so much through it too, Like older girls, like I could not have done it without them. Like helping me out with the babies, like being like you know, Mia especially is like, so like oh, my God like you're doing such a good job, Like you know, like she's like.
Speaker 2:She's unreal. Yeah, she's unreal on her own right, you know. But you know, karli?
Speaker 1:and Kiara watched them so much for me so I could walk the dogs or so I could actually do a workout in the basement without them, which most of my workouts in the basement were with them down there.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:But in a sense, like I liked that too, because now, like you'll see, like Camila and Selena, like they'll be like oh mommy, look like I'm exercising.
Speaker 2:Yeah, and so I think that which I think is awesome Cause it was funny is that, like those were, like you know, the kids were probably our major reasons for wanting to change right.
Speaker 1:It's when you think about it Like it's Definitely why we stopped drinking.
Speaker 2:Facts like facts, like it was. It got to that point where you know, we didn't just realize just just how much we were.
Speaker 1:And we're not saying that we're ranging alcoholics, Like it's just nothing.
Speaker 2:We're not saying that at all. It's. The fact of the matter was was that we were, whenever we were out with people in general or just like with the neighbors and hanging out, we had to be drinking, right, and that's what it was. We were drinking and the thing is that you and I can put them away and and this goes back to what you were saying like we were gaining and losing, to say, five, 10 pounds, because we were realizing that in drinking all of our bad habits came up. Like it was like we eat like shit, Like we freaking, like we were procrastinating. I know it for me For sure I would procrastinate so much because of that.
Speaker 1:We would just feel so lazy the next day, right and like.
Speaker 2:They hung over and banged up. Yeah, we were just five, kids Just stayed sucks.
Speaker 1:That want to like play, and you know like, and then you're like.
Speaker 2:You know like let's go get pancakes.
Speaker 1:Yeah, exactly, I need hash browns, like you know and I just want to clarify we absolutely love our neighbors.
Speaker 2:They are our best friends in the world.
Speaker 1:This was not their fault that we were drinking all the time. Okay, it was our choice.
Speaker 2:We heard you.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it has nothing to do with that it's, it's honestly, but we were drinking every weekend and a couple of times for me, like I would stop drinking and then you know it was someone's birthday or whatever right, and I'd be like, okay, I'm going to drink tonight. Then, because I hadn't drank, or whatever, I would get sick. And then, like there were times that I threw up in front of Camila and Selena and I would wake up the next day and be like, oh my god, like I'm heartbroken. Like when Kami I feel like the worst mother in the world when Kami is saying to me like oh, mommy, do you feel better? And I'm like I threw up because I was drinking, Like that's horrible, you know. Yeah, and they were always with us, Like you know our friends love our kids. Our kids were always with us, like when we would be drinking like this. And then I'm like what are we showing them? That like this is the only way you can hang out with your friends or go to a concert or whatever. It's like you have to be drinking, like I just don't want that. I don't. You know, I'm sure they're going to drink, I'm sure you know whatever, but I don't want them to feel like that's the only way that you can have a good time.
Speaker 2:Right, and, like you know, to kind of like piggyback on that, I like I remember, like back when we lived in Lynn and you know, coming home from work, right, and you know, as soon as I hit the couch, all of a sudden, like Camila, she's a kid right.
Speaker 1:Right, probably right, not even yeah.
Speaker 2:You know, like you know, me growing up in Mexico and like freaking like it was the funniest thing. It's like you almost taught this like hey, go look at me a beer Like it was, just like that's how it was right, it was just funny because I'm just in there, not funny because it was great until I realized what it was, that she, how she saw me and like I became that dad of like let me like my dad's on the couch.
Speaker 1:He never had a beer in his hand, yeah.
Speaker 2:And then just one day, like all of a sudden, like I'm just sitting at the couch, I'm just sitting there relaxing, all of a sudden here comes like Camila, like in her diaper, and hands me a beer and I'm like am I going, baby? I don't want this, oh.
Speaker 1:And I'm like then it hit me like a party. He's like oh, I'm good idea.
Speaker 2:Like, but then it was just one day that literally I'm like this is how she sees me.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like this is how. Like she's two years old, she doesn't know what this is, but she associates that when I sit here, this is what I do, yeah, and I'm like, oh man, you know what? I don't want to be that dad Like I grew up with that. I grew up with like my dad not playing with me because he would rather drink. I grew up with my dad not talking to me because he'd rather drink. I grew up with you know seeing all of that and you know whether it be physical, emotional, the mental abuse and stuff like that from drinking.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:And then I'm like I don't want to do that to them and that was like one of the first times and obviously like you don't know how to stop right, like it's just one of those things or that you don't really realize, like just the impact, and I think that's why we struggled, like I think yeah, we stopped and started a lot. Yeah, stopped and started a lot, like you know, I know for myself.
Speaker 1:I did Like I quit a few times and then would be like, oh well, like we're going to a concert, so like I'll have a cup of whole or whatever, or I'm only gonna drink if we go out to dinner or whatever.
Speaker 2:I always had an excuse.
Speaker 1:Like. Well, if we're. You know, I like the taste of a cocktail with my meal right. Like or whatever. I want to drink in my hand when we're at a concert, but I think for me like, so I stopped drinking. The last drinks that I had were in August when we went to the Morgan Wallen concert and I didn't, I had like three trulys or something I barely drank over like the course of like a 10 hour day, carly was with us, and so it was of course like sober, because we were there for 10 hours and I had three seltzers right, but I realized I'm like what a waste. I was completely sober. I had an absolute blast. You know, we were singing, we were dancing. I didn't need those drinks. Why did I drink them? Right, it's just like conditioning, almost like oh well, I'm here, so I should have a drink, but I'm like I also wasted $45 because God knows how expensive that is, that's $22 actually. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 2:And it's like for what? I didn't need them. It's like it also like you're missing the content because you're in a freaking mile long.
Speaker 1:Yeah, the line is like crazy, waiting for the consent you got, yeah, but yeah it's you know.
Speaker 2:so for me it was just kind of like, yeah, you know what.
Speaker 1:I just think I'm gonna be done, and this time I really was, and I don't I have no intentions of starting again. I actually don't miss it Because for me too, was the drinking anxiety. Because even if I wasn't like what I would consider super drunk, the next day I would be sitting there evaluating everything that I said to everyone, like was I over sharing? Did I say something that was like meaner than I intended it to be, that I wouldn't have said if I wasn't drinking, and that anxiety would consume me, like that's worse than the hangover for me.
Speaker 2:But you know, but it's kind of like when 275, 275 hard like this, like that also has like helped your anxiety immensely, because you would also like, when you're getting close up to like your monthly right, like when you get close to like your period, like you would just kind of like it would just solve a sudden like you just see the shit. It was like almost like I'm like wow, like, and it's not like PMS or anything, but I would just notice like that shift into you of like where your anxiety would peak and but then when you started doing 275 hard, you started getting like your weight and everything in check and like your health in check. How much do you would just like like so much different. I barely had anxiety, which is crazy, which is crazy, and I've had it my entire life you know well as.
Speaker 1:Long as I can remember you know, almost everyone in my family has it. But it also helped so much, like with my overstimulation too, cause I get really, really overstimulated with the kids, like especially towards the end of the day, like if I'm making dinner, the dogs barking, running around, the kids are running around, screaming, yeah.
Speaker 2:I'm on work calls and like taking phone calls.
Speaker 1:it's cold, it's ringing, the kids are watching something on their phones or trying to talk to me about their day and I'm like no, please, please, Like my brain is on fire.
Speaker 2:My brain is on fire.
Speaker 1:But I noticed when I ate clean from doing 75 hard and when I incorporated so much movement into my day doing 75 hard, I most of that went away Right. Some of it minimal or like little moments of it. Or something happens right but not.
Speaker 2:Yeah, natural.
Speaker 1:Yeah, but not like the day to day anxiety that I was living with, and obviously just not drinking helps with that too.
Speaker 2:Yeah, because it was funny cause you brought up with the whole like one-on-one concert and how like exactly like I wasn't, like I think I probably had like two or three drinks as well throughout the whole span of the day. And I remember that cause, like we love concerts, so we go to concerts like all the time and stuff like that. And I remember we went to the first Luke Holmes concert that we went to, like we're on the floor.
Speaker 1:And we're body, we're body, yeah, we're body.
Speaker 2:But like we were shit-housed, so we were absolutely pickled. Like I'm getting shots given to me I don't even know where it even came from. I'm like oh, yeah, yeah, yeah and. But there's glimpses of the night. I do not remember.
Speaker 1:I remember the next morning my sister came up like and was like oh, my God, who am?
Speaker 2:I hugging.
Speaker 1:She's like who is Kyle with? And it's photo and I'm like I have no idea and all three of us were there so we should have known.
Speaker 2:It was.
Speaker 1:Spencer, I know it was, that was his name. It was Spencer.
Speaker 2:And he was a good guy. But yeah, we don't even we.
Speaker 1:There are parts of that night that we don't even remember. We spent so much money on those tickets.
Speaker 2:You know, and it's just like. I'm like, damn, I'm like who knows? I think, granted, it was an experience in itself and it's a funny story now, but I just I still think back to it. I'm like, damn, I'm like normally, that is just like. Also, think about, like you having a good time could be ruining somebody else's Like. Remember, like when Bonnie barreled into that lady? Yeah, so it was like that weird thing. But you know, when I think about, you know, alcohol and the role that it played in my life and things like that, and it's not really nothing more than just how you said, it's like how conditioned you are Like, just like how conditioned you are to like this is the way and how, like you need to have fun, this is the way how you need to be in a social, in certain social interactions, right, yeah, that you just do it for the sake of doing it, like you're not even doing it because like you want to, and things like that. And you know, for me, one of the pivotal moments where I realized that and how drinking was bad for me was, you know, if you guys don't know me, like you know, I have an electrical page. You know, did my social media, influencing things like that. You know, it's afforded me a lot of greatness. It's afforded me a lot of great opportunities and some of those opportunities came in the forms of being and flying out with different manufacturers and things like that and having a great time and meeting a lot of great people. And I do not take back or anything that I did in meeting those people, right, like those people are brothers to me, like just people that I love, and the memories and everything else like that. But also what came along with that were instances where the things I hated about myself came out. Yeah, and the problem was, was that, like as much as growth and as much change as I made in my life to become a better person, it unveiled the things that were still there. And you know, this all happened in Austin. We flew out for a convention and it was one of those things where and this was like a very trying time in our marriage Like this is something that a lot of people did not understand Like this is we were at a very scary moment in our marriage, not saying like we would ever wash or anything. They were not saying that at all. It was just that for how we always are.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it was the hardest point in our marriage. It was the hardest point, it was the hardest point.
Speaker 2:And you know, while I'm in the thick of it, you know, and basically what it was is that we're out, we're doing, you know, all reinforcing stuff. We're with people and you know, not understanding, like there I am right, I'm doing this because I want to build something for my family, right, like, and this is like my logic and I'm going to explain, like the way how like my logic was and the way how, like my brain was working, is that, like here I am, I'm doing this for my family. I'm like I'm here to get our company out, I'm here to get our brand out, I'm here on behalf of our family, because this one put us in a better position, right, and it's all these validations that I have, right, and I'm thinking like, well, I'm not doing anything, I'm not, you know, having sex with anybody else, I'm not hitting anybody, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that, these things I'm not doing, right, so I'm OK, right, this is what it is that I'm saying to myself. And then you would Say things to me Well, because we're sharing, obviously things get shared and and you know we get tagged and stuff, and you know we would share these things. And you know, obviously I'm drinking. I'm not seeing the way how it looks on the outside, I'm not seeing it for what it is. And but here you are, like you are seeing it for what it is, and you would say, like, what are you doing?
Speaker 1:Right. I mean, I think for me it was like I'm home with all our kids, right, and I'm just doing our day to day and whatever. And you know me like I always want to support you in everything that you do, right. So I'm like, yeah, go, like have a good time. But I think like we have some boundaries in our marriage, right, and like I felt like those boundaries would just completely go out the window.
Speaker 2:When you were drinking. Yeah, I punted those, yeah.
Speaker 1:Like they were long gone, right and I and for me it was like you would never disrespect me like this If you weren't drinking. You just wouldn't Right, right, and I think you know, at first you were like well, everyone drinks in these situations Like I have to drink. And I'm like this is you know? You're telling me that you're going here for work and then all I'm seeing on Instagram is like you out partying, or like you at the bar with like a 25 year old girl who's showing you around and she's sharing this to her personal page and you're sharing it Like you. This is not a position you would ever put yourself in if you weren't Drinking. So like, why do you think this is okay? Yeah, you know, and at first, like you really pushed back on me. Oh, my heel was dug. Yeah.
Speaker 2:Because you know what it was. It was like that provado part of me came out in the sense of that, and then it wasn't until I got home and we talked about it. Yeah, when I picked you up from the airport and I was like no, this is not happening.
Speaker 1:Yeah, Like this is like we are talking about this and like you know, but that was the beginning, because there was, you know, kind of more stuff that happened, there was, and then, like I think, in letting you kind of really, I think I stayed quiet after, like, I kept on saying like, and that was a problem that I realized that we had.
Speaker 2:Well, that I had is that I was not even listening to you.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like I was listening with the intent of responding to you. I was listening to you, I was not even listening to you. Like I was listening with the intent of responding Right, like I'm, just like I'm. But the worst part is I just kind of goes back to how I was, like in the beginning. Right, like I'm, like here I am making you feel crazy For me, being fucking crazy. Like you, just like I'm like, no, like, like, like you're getting crazy Because you think I'm saying like, cuz, like I'm trying to make it seem like it's, if I'm saying, right, yeah, so it's just like this, like magnification of, like this, like craziness, right, and you know I'm sitting there and I'm justifying this behavior for the simple fact that, like, I am putting our family in a better position. Yeah, you need to be cutting me some slack. I'm playing the game. This is how, this is how the game is played. I am just doing whatever it is I have to do, right, and that was what. And those are like words that sets you like and and and and. That was when you're like, no like, and I remember you saying, like you just respected me.
Speaker 1:Yeah, like you're married, like at what point do you think that, like this is okay Behavior to have? And you like I know I'm married. I'm like don't, why are you doing this? Right, because you know, for me it was like I would express my I Don't know, like not anger. I guess, but like my feelings. But I would express my feelings about it While you are still there, right, and then you'd be like, okay, like we'll fine, like I'm just, you know, I'm not gonna drink tonight, I'm not gonna drink tonight and I remember you were like I'm gonna Like they're not even dressed like I'm going out, like I'm just gonna go to the dinner and I'm not gonna drink, yeah, and then what happened? Oh, you ended up at the bar. You weren't home till two. You weren't back till 2 am. Like you know, you were Fraternizing with, like you know, yeah, people that I specifically asked you to stay away from, and then you were telling me that you did stay away from them, and then things are coming up on social media that I'm like you have your arm around her in that picture, so you weren't staying away from her, right? So It'll.
Speaker 2:it felt like dishonesty too at that point and a lot of that, and you know. So this kind of plays into, like you know, feeling that when I was in that mindset of like cuz, like I did try to stay away, but obviously the world of social media, the way how it works, it's all about relationships. People want to see all these people taking photos together and it's just one of those things and that's like with me. I'm like, I'm thinking, like I said, I'm honestly thinking in, like my reasons for validating shitty behavior Was that because I'm thinking it was it had everything to do for the betterment of my family? Yeah, that was. That was where I was. But then when I got back home and it finally hit me, like it finally hit me why I Validated shitty behavior.
Speaker 1:Yeah.
Speaker 2:Like, like I alluded in the previous episode, like you know, my dad was an alcoholic. Like my dad was, was this this person and my whole entire life. I Promised my mom that, like you know, I'm never gonna be like my dad, I'm never gonna be an alcoholic, right.
Speaker 1:But I became the worst parts of him.
Speaker 2:I Became the womanizer. I became the manipulator. I became the liar and the in the cheater and in all these different things. I became the worst of him. But the problem was I was the worst of them all the time, but I hit it behind a Smile, I hit it behind being smooth. I hit it behind all these different things. I was the worst narcissist Alive really was and and I knew and had to play the game. I knew and had to play people. It was, I was. That's like I said. I've come a long way from it. I was a really shitty person and when I saw you cry and knowing I made you cry and knowing I disrespected our marriage and especially with how much I love you and how much I like like I mean, everyone knows me. Like I, I'm insane about you. Like it's it's. It's not anything that I make it a mystery, right, it's just like you know. I'm like when, like people like freaking Batman out there, while I say something I might do, I'm like you're on your own on that shit.
Speaker 1:I'm like I'm like my wife's fucking lights out. I'm like my kids shit at your wife.
Speaker 2:And, like you know, it's like stuff like that, but it's like knowing.
Speaker 1:But then when that realization hit me.
Speaker 2:Yeah, Of like, oh my god, like I'm doing this because it's all I've ever known, like I remember seeing like my dad, like being at parties and seeing my dad, like you know, foreign with girls and foreign with women and he's a flirt with his friends, wives and stuff like that. Like seeing him the way, how he moved in, the way we did things, and like he would tell my mom like I didn't sleep with her like you know, it was Normal to me. Yeah, it was normal that this is the way how you act when you're drinking, like this is normal, right, and it's just like here I am thinking that, just because I didn't physically have a relationship with somebody, that there's not emotional like. There's not. There's not such thing as like emotional cheating, there's not. I'm like, disregarding all these other forms of Of infidelity or just a slippery slope, right, oh, big time, big, yeah, and it was just like one of those things. And then, like I'll never forget, that like when I had it. And I was laying on the bed and I was like oh my god, like I was, like I was like I was like I'm gonna put myself in front of a trunk. Because of how I disrespected you and I hurt you. Yeah, because Until.
Speaker 1:I realized that I was digging my heels, that you were wrong.
Speaker 2:Yeah, like I'm not, right, like I'm not wrong here I'm doing what's best for us, right and for me.
Speaker 1:I was like how can?
Speaker 2:this be best for us. If this is how it's making me feel, that makes no sense.
Speaker 1:No, I would rather you not go, like you know, and again I want to support you in everything you do like, if you know that, like this is your dream, like this is what, what you want, and I'm along for the ride with that like. I'm with you every step of the way. That's why I'm always like yeah, go like, do it. Like I'm so Proud of you for getting these opportunities.
Speaker 2:I'm so proud of you.
Speaker 1:For getting these opportunities. But at that point I'm like, fuck these opportunities. Like this is not, this is not what I want for our Marriage. Like to me, it's like how can this be for our family if you are out just fucking getting wasted every night? How much networking can you possibly be doing? Right, like if you're Incoherent and then your phone is dying and I can't get in touch with you. Like that's just not okay to me, all right. And then, like you know, getting back to that, I'm like here I am thinking I'm like man, I'm like the only reason why I'm afforded these opportunities that I have is that because I have your support.
Speaker 2:And then here you are, at home, alone, and I know that you're worried of being alone. Yeah, like what someone brings into the house, like all these different things, like always in there, didn't go into your head. And then it's just like yeah, they didn't care. Five kids yeah, they're holding it down at home While I'm doing all these things and I'm afforded these opportunities because, you support me and You're allowing me to do that, so it was just like those were like that, you know. Yeah, so time goes.