How to Achieve Your Goals with Compassionate Self-Discipline Without Burning Out - Valerie Martin is RightOffTrack

we live in a culture that is so hyperstimulated
all the time
and our nervous systems get used to that pace
so as uncomfortable and as destructive as that is
we also get uncomfortable
when that's the pace we're used to
and then we try to slow down
think not only can there be
you know productivity shaming stuff that comes up
like I'm a waste of space
I'm not doing anything productive
um but also just
it's uncomfortable
because we're not used to that slower pace
and it's like we start to get that like
crawl out of your skin feeling
and that's why we're like
oh my God I can't be
just watching a movie without being on my phone
I've got to do both and so
we almost have to retrain and recalibrate our brain
and our nervous system
to be able to tolerate that lower stimulus kind of pace
hey friends
I'm your host Anya Smith
this episode is a must listen
for any one way to break free from the hustle
and truly honour their ambition
we're talking about mastering compassionate
self discipline
to achieve your dreams without the burnout
you will learn how to spark magnetic confidence
and move confidently towards your goals
all while maintaining joy and reducing stress
our special guest
is the master of guiding high achievers
to vibrant success in meaningful
personal growth
get ready for enriching insights from Valerie Martin
your guide towards a fulfilling journey of success
and self discovery
Valerie is so excited to have you here
thank you for joining us oh my gosh
I'm so happy to be here
and you are the best type person
I'm like can I I'm just gonna listen back to that
I like beginning of every day
like I'm excited about this conversation
now I am excited as well like when I met you
you just have like this dynamic presence
I love the work that you're doing
so like let's just duck drive
let's just dive right into it
and so we talked about Fast Space World
like it's all about us
and it's something I personally struggle with
and you have this term called compassion
self discipline and this is gaining trash to Kingsland
what the heck does that mean to be have compassion
self discipline for ourselves
yeah it's a it's an interesting idea
and it's discipline generally speaking
it's kind of like a harsh term
right
especially if we think of it in the sense of the verb
um in fact
I even just recently interviewed past
Right Off Track guest Jason Schen on my podcast
he did kinda
did a neat post about anti
discipline that we talked about in that conversation
and so like yeah
the the
the idea of discipline can feel very harsh
and unforgiving and rigid and all the things
and yet there is a form of discipline
I think of more you know
the the noun of like
being like
reliable and doing the things that we say we wanna do
right for ourselves and for each other
and that commitment and follow through
and I truly do believe that
that is a skill set that is atrophying
um in more and more in our modern culture
and so uh
of course the crack
the whip on yourself approach doesn't tend to work well
in the long term
a shame based approach doesn't really work great
um or if it does
it comes with a serious cost
so I love the idea of
can we marry both of these things
of self compassion and self discipline
and I absolutely believe from my own experience
and how I work with clients
that there is a way of doing that
beautifully put in now diving into the so
so many of us it's like a pandemic of rushness
and there's almost even like a culture like hustle
and like oh
who is more busy who is more rushed
but what is the alternative to that
like how the heck
do we actually explore something different
and still achieve vocal
everything we want sure
I definitely am uh
of the camp that I I am not anti hustle
I think there is a time and a place
and I think that actually I was uh
you'll you'll find that I often reference other things
that's just part of my strengths Finder No. 1 is input
I'm always collecting things and you know
spreading ideas so
I actually just this morning
was listening to fantastic conversation um
on Tim Ferris's podcast with Cal Newport
who I'm such a big fan of his and
and he talks about how we sort of
the reaction to modern burnout is this like
anti work culture that's developing with
you know quiet quitting and how little can I do
and this like adversarial relationship with work
and as much as sure we can
you know for another day
soapbox about the problems with late stage capitalism
but it's we don't need to be anti hard work right
like if
especially if it's something that that matters to you
something that makes you come alive
like we can all be moving more in that direction
hopefully but um
we do need to embrace some grit
and some willingness to do hard work uh
but obviously if we're doing that in a way
that is completely depleting ourselves and
and at the expense of our well being
that is not the way to do it haha
and so now we talk about
seem like two opposite spectrums right
where you can have this compassion discipline
or you can either be rushing really hard
or it get actually compassion
this is in the middle let's say um
and on one end is like burnout
like working really hard doing nothing
and other thing is like I'm just like
why like maybe that's like
I'm just gonna do anything it doesn't matter
so how do people find that way
to get closer to the middle
if they're on yeah
so first of all
I think like the kind of the classic find your why
it can be important but with that uh
it doesn't mean that
you have to have some grandiose purpose
where you're like
everything I do in my entire week
is aligned with my large purpose
and vision for the world like
it's not necessarily that because people are different
and for some people they do want
or need to feel a deeper sense of meaning
and connection in what they do for
you know 30 40
50 hours a week um
or for a paycheck
other people are able to find that sense of purpose
and meaning outside of their primary work
and then they look at work as like
this is a thing I'm good at and I show up and I
you know
get paid and allows me to live this wonderful life
so I think it's
regardless if you're why is tied to your
the the content of your work isn't so important
but having some sense of what your why
what your meaning what your
what makes you come alive
and how are the things that you're doing
enabling you to step into that aliveness
so I think that's a really important piece
and then also just cultivating the uh
the grit and the ability to talk nicely to yourself
right um
because grit without uh
self kindness is just gonna be harsh
um so really is kind of two complimentary skill sets
and of course
we can go deep into one or both of those things
but it really is like a willingness to go okay
if if I struggle more with the discipline side
or I struggle more with the compassion side
or maybe I feel like I struggle with both
where can I identify
sort of the deficits that I need to work on
developing these skills
that's beautiful you know what it makes me think about
I recently was reading a book called
Russian Woman Syndrome
I don't know if you've heard about it
and she talks about the effect on women
that rushing has and talk about cortisol spikes
and it's something like oh yeah
I know
probably not great for me
at the same time like when I hear like
oh just slow down or be present or yes
I hear it and like
I have a really hard time still doing that
and this really made me think about well
actually like it is really having a huge effect man
like
why the heck am I doing this from like a physiological
psychological standpoint
and it made me realize that the core part of it is like
I don't um
well I put other people's knees in front of me really
but I don't believe I'm worthy of enjoying the moment
hmm you know
like just like being here
like when you slow down and have nothing pushing you
you know telling you what to do or you have a next task
then you have to just confront being right
or just like do filling up your time with something
that's not externally validating
so it was really interesting for me how it was like
just this really
like I can enjoy the moment I'm worthy of
like also setting boundaries for myself and like
really just enjoying um
and that was something that helped me
kinda find that balance and like
I have this job that I really love
well I created this job that I really love
and it feels purposeful but I was doing too much right
it's very easy to somebody who like
find something that even enjoy
and again they caught up in these old habits of rushing
or doing too much and that space of exploration
I think helps us find that middle yeah yeah
oh there's so much good stuff and all of that
and I think that it is possible to have a
a life that is quite full without being rushing
or be feeling busy busy
busy all the time right
um and
and there are some excellent examples of
you know people in different fields who I feel like uh
do that well I mean
Cal Newport is one example
like he is extremely prolific
it's a lot done and yet he is not someone
who's like rushing around or doing
you know busy work right um
and so it is sort of antithetical to the way that our
uh modern culture is set up is you
you are gonna fall into the current of that
being your pace
if you're not really intentional about doing otherwise
so that's kind of my aim is that um
I do wanna have a pretty full life
I do need some white space
I think we all need some white space
but can I have a full life with out rushing
because
I absolutely agree that there's something to that and
and also the fact that we live in a culture
that is so hyperstimulated
all the time
and our nervous systems get used to that pace
so as uncomfortable and as destructive as that is
it's kinda like you said
we also get uncomfortable when that's the pace
we're used to and then we try to slow down
think not only can there be
you know productivity shaming stuff that comes up like
I'm a waste of space I'm not doing anything productive
um but also just
it's uncomfortable
because we're not used to that slower pace
and it's like we start to get that like
crawl out of your skin feeling
and that's why we're like
oh my God I can't be just watching a movie
without being on my phone
I've got to do both
and so we almost have to retrain and recalibrate our
brain and our nervous system
to be able to tolerate that lower stimulus
kind of pace
absolutely and that makes me think about like
we're physically not quite created for this environment
that's massively accelerating
you know the piece that yes
it's like our innate system isn't quite ready to uh
upgrade all the time time
so there's kind of this balance and that creates
you know what we see around us
a lot of like mental health issues
people struggling imploding
a lot of times where they visually know on Instagram
everything looks fantastic
but a lot of time
there's a lot of inner guilt and challenges
so what are
maybe some of the top mental health issues
that you're seeing happening
and how can like compassion itself
discipline help with some of those yeah
oh my gosh so much because um
as you know in addition to being a coach
I'm I'm a clinician
uh licensed therapist and
and I lead a team of clinicians here
and it's uh
so much of our mental health issues
it's just it's
it's impossible for us to be able to separate
like how much of this is sort of like
quote unquote organic mental health
whether that's you know
hereditary stuff or just sort of in ingrained
organic to the brain issues
versus what is more culture bound
or habitually now wired
after a lot of repeated behaviours
um impacted by the environment
it's impossible for us to untangle all of
those variables and so
I don't know how much of the increase in things like
you know teenage mental health issues for
of all kinds of depression anxiety
suicidal ideation and self harm behaviors
like
we know statistically those numbers have shot way up
um but
you know even among adults too
it's it's tricky because it's like
there's increasing cultural awareness of things like
neurodiversity and the fact that like
gosh maybe
we've always had more neurodiversity
than it had been acknowledged previously
so it's not just to say that
modern culture has just created all of this adult
adult onset ADHD or adult diagnosed ADHD
but I do think that
there is a relationship between those things
and that the pace of our culture
our relationship with devices
um which in the field
we talk about neuroplasticity and how
you know we can actually heal the brain
by doing certain practices
that can increase uh
you know memory
or whatever
other thing in the brain that we're wanting to target
even positive self talk right
um
but I think there's not enough conversation around the
the flip side of neuroplasticity
of how much have we changed
the actual structures of our brains
with the relationship with technology
and devices that we have had over the last
you know 15 years or so
um cause I know personally
I would not have met criteria for traditional ADHD
which is symptom
symptoms that were present before the age of 12
but I had my first uh
phone at 14 years old back in like 2000
uh we had uh
you know a computer in our household
from the time I was about 10
and so absolutely I I know that
my brain has been impacted
by my relationship with technology
and that and
you know I'm far from the only one
so I think that it's really
it's challenging and um
near Ayala in uh
indestructible his book uh
Johan Hari in Stolen Focus
it's really interesting the different approaches
like a lot of these issues uh
that we talk about in modern society
it's like how much is on the individual
to change their own behaviour
and monitor that and how much is on society and
you know regulating companies
and the attention economy to do better
and so these different you know
authors and experts
kinda take different perspectives on those
I think it's gotta be both
but it's certainly uh
if it's if it's left fully up to the individual
I think we're really not set up well for
for the coming generations
is this the um
it reminds me that in the book
one of the books I've been reading by Dan Sullivan
and Ed Hardy Susan Benjamin Hardy
um they talk about how a lot of the suicide trends
especially in younger adults are not
in people who are not high achievers
like actually people who are very high achieving
the data shows is people who are really high achieving
are usually struggling the most
because of the expectations
of pressure what not
and for this focus
a lot of the audience is this high achieving group
you know entrepreneurs
yeah people who are doing a lot of things
what advice practical advice
would you give somebody who does have that mindset like
I wanna achieve a lot I wanna make this world amazing
that still helps them have that mental hygiene
where they're still compassionally
being disciplined towards themselves
yep I think
people really have to learn to develop
psychological flexibility um
and that kind of like self kindness like
are you talking to yourself
the way that you would talk to a friend
um and again
that's not saying like just be stagnant
just be complacent just
you know whatever
like who cares
if you get that promotion that you're looking for
if your company succeeds um
but it it is recognizing that a lot of times
high achievers have gotten there
through a bit of brute forcing
and perhaps a lot of like
having very high standards for themselves
and it's one thing to have high standards
and it's another to rigidly and perfectionistically
hold yourself to those
or punish yourself when you don't meet them right
as opposed to looking at like
oh gosh ouch
that that stings
I really was hoping that that was gonna work
what can I learn from that
how can I um
take the lesson and not be a jerk to myself about it
even if I wasn't super happy
or proud about how that turned out
and yeah it's I
I talk about like
the adult gifted child syndrome of like we
what got you here in terms of
you know
what made you successful as a young person in school
or in your sporter in your
you know field of expertise
may not be the thing that gets you there
because if it crushes your spirit
it's not going to the image was
what could be the signs somebody's like
you know what this is really not working for me
what could be some of those internal signs
or maybe externally you're still functioning
but you feel something amiss inside
what could people look out for to like sure
yeah one would definitely be self loathing
and it's like it's sneaky
I talk about this in my my private podcast series
which is called you are mother effing enough um
that thank you uh
that in my own experience of dealing with shame
I actually
didn't realize how much shame I was carrying around
because it would be
it wasn't just like the constant barrage of like God
you're an idiot
but it was a lot of harshness on myself when things
you know I wouldn't succeed at something
as quickly as I thought that I should
and comparison with other people
who are just better at this than me and
and
and so my shame got very kind of slippery and sneaky
um but it was still
it still was self loathing um
even if it was kind of a little bit cloaked
so I think we really have to look
honestly at our relationship with ourselves
how we talk to ourselves how we treat ourselves
um again
like the the standards we hold ourselves to
are they human scaled are they realistic
um when we don't meet them
how do we treat ourselves
and and now you shared all this amazing advice
and we talked about how she was
but can you share photos
how the heck did you get into this space
and decide to help people
kinda have this inner reflection and kind of a more um
balanced and healing way to be out in the world
sure I mean
I think uh
like a lot of people who end up in the healing spaces
the helping professions
we get here by our own suffering
ha ha and uh
what that suffering has looked like for me
of course has evolved
um and so the things that I most
that initially drew me into the field of mental health
thankfully
are not things that I still struggle with anymore
but as I leaned more and more into um
wanting to step more fully into my own potential
that's where the
I really started to battle with those shame
gremlins and demons
and just like being so hard on myself here
was the other part that I wanted to mention
in addition to self loathing
is just general sense of discontent
and never feeling like you're doing enough
that you are enough that you have enough right
and and that's where like I say
it's sort of like the mind fuck of uh
the the intersection of more less and enough and uh
because I believe that it's very human
and to want more for ourselves
especially if like for me and in several years ago
like knowing that I was capable of more
and so
frustrated that I was not stepping fully into that
so then the shame cycle is
you know perpetuated um
you know wanting less comparison
wanting less uh
business chaos all of that stuff that
that were wanting to sort of like reclaim
so we want more we want less
we wanna feel like we're enough
and sometimes those things can feel very contradictory
so I became really passionate about acknowledging that
all of those wanting
more or less wanting to feel enough now
can actually all coexist at the same time
and in fact if we don't allow them to
we're not actually getting a complete picture
of what's going on
especially for high achievers
absolutely it makes me like
the star reminders
that people think success is so much about what we do
right and like the actions that we take
and we often forget this really discusses mental
yeah that a lot of times like
we will give up much faster
based on how we feel inside
like those doubts those fears
those like just constant burnout
you know those stressors that are internal
much more than they are external
lot of times and so
I'm grateful for the conversations
in the work that you're doing
because it's a good reminder that we have to start
or take space
or create space within to have that lasting life
success that we wanna have
absolutely do all the work right
yeah because we
we know we see examples unfortunately
all the time
of people who have all the external success
and are miserable internally
so if that's ever what you're feeling like
like you're like oh
on paper my life looks really good
but you know I feel empty or I don't feel fully alive
or I just feel kind of like
I'm always a cat chasing my tail
and I'm never gonna get there
um that to me is a big sign that working on
you know the compassionate
self discipline is gonna really benefit you
and especially um
exploring what satisfaction and contentment look like
because psychologically and just how we are wired
we're not really that well wired to feel content
or satisfied we're sort of these teleological
goal oriented beings that are like okay
next thing next thing
and while that's great
we wanna honor that ambition and that potential
if we're not also helping our brains step into an
experience of satisfaction and contentment
it's not just going to automatically happen
for most of us oh
beautiful we have that strong negativity bias
where we're always like
really fearing losing something negative happen
and so even like
the thought of appreciating positive things
and taking space for that
and it can be easily ignored
and yet your point is so very
very helpful and okay so we um
say we have somebody um let me rephrase that
what maybe practical steps you have
so somebody's listening is okay
this is sounds interesting
I need more of that in my life
is there a few things that they could start doing now
to take the journey on this path
on this path
sure well
other than connecting with all my stuff that I have
which I know will share about yes
this is my personal obsession
to talk about all these things
but places that I think you could start is like
you know like I said earlier
to define what your
what your why is of what matters to you about the
the things that you're aiming for
do you feel like you are adequately honoring
your ambition so
if you feel like you've gotten sort of discouraged
and frustrated and have kind of backed off from it
that's not gonna feel good
you're not honoring yourself
so do you feel like you're really owning and honoring
the things that you desire
and want um
and then setting yourself
up for success
in terms of how you're starting to move toward those
things and that's like the little kind of atomic habits
uh way of working toward that discipline right
because so so often we attempt to
you know we
we say okay
well this is the thing I want
so this is how I'm gonna get there
and I'm just gonna go
and if we don't have a strong plan
maybe support accountability tools systems
I will say willpower and intention are insufficient
um we can want something pretty badly
we can have the why but if that's all
and we're not actually setting up a strong plan
for how we are going to get there
then we're probably gonna be set up for failure
and then we're gonna be like
see I can't do it
and it's just gonna feed into that sort of story
um as opposed to looking at what pieces
what variables might have been missing
it sounds like you're creating that
self filling prophecy like
oh yeah I
I did think I could do it and I did do it
and that arose our self trust
because it starts to create this sort of identity of
like yep
of course that's just like me to let myself down again
like no
we build self trust by keeping our word to ourselves
just like we would to someone else that we care about
I think with the compassion part
what I love about it is that when we're compassionate
we can actually go in deeper into ourselves
with compassion and look at things honestly
compassion doesn't make you wicked
it gives you resilience
because you can give yourself the Grace
to reflect on things
how they are without judgment that makes you close up
so love that yeah
exactly and you just had a cold rebrand
but where can people find you
for all of your amazing resources
yes um
you can find me at Honor yourspark.com on Instagram
and pretty much everywhere else at honor your spark
and that is also the name of my podcast
love it and you're fantastic
you have so much knowledge to share from your guests
from books from your own experience
so please check out values resources
like wherever you are getting your information
wherever you get your inspiration
value would be another awesome source for that
and here
value review wrap up with 3 upper fire questions
so whenever you're ready let me know
I'm ready let's do it
okay a favourite book
that change your perspective on success
woo actually
you mentioned um
Dan Ben
Benjamin Hardy and Dan Sullivan earlier
and I don't know which book of theirs
that you're reading right now
but the gap in the game oh
was yeah
huge for me I'm obsessed with it
I have yes
I love that so much and if anyone's listening
I do have like a mini solo episode that I
of the podcast that I did on the gap in the game
that people can check out
but read the book it's so good
love it okay
favorite way to unwind after
favorite way to unwind after a busy day
having dinner with my husband
while we watch one of our shows
I love it I love it okay
and last but not least in the positive context
going off track is woo going off track
is being willing to follow your curiosity
and zig and zag even if it's a little unorthodox
of
recognizing that it may not make sense at the moment
but all of those points all of those experiences
as you maybe go off track are gonna
at some point make sense
or play into your uniqueness
and what you bring to the table
and whatever you're doing ah beautiful
thank you so much and just to all the listeners
I hope that you took something away
wherever you are in your journey
is there a point
where you can find a little bit more of that
compassion for yourself or a little more discipline
or you find like hey
I am like on this journey
I have this
but there's some more work I could be doing this
I hope this gives you a point of reflection
where you are right now and gives you a sense like
you know I can be doing
I can be approaching this maybe a new way
or I have to know resources that they Learned about
so if any new questions came about
please share it with us if this episode was helpful
please share it with a friend
and help them learn as well
and also my last tidbit is that right now uh
I'm excited for March to come
which is when our episode comes out
because I'm helping launch and host a
accelerated program for entrepreneurs
so if you are somebody who is new in this space
or wanting to get onto this road uh
please check out the link in the description
and be part of the small group environment
we're helping everybody succeed
expand their mindset um
also get very clear on their limits
and then have some social media strategy
growth strategy to help rate that aspect and value
thank you so much for your time
it was such a blast and I Learned so much from you
and I hope that our listeners will too
and thank you again it was an honor
thanks so much my pleasure take care