Anger is Not the Issue

Hey, welcome to my show, Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. I'm always so happy when people download and share this show with other people. I pray that this coming episode will be a blessing to you. I'm going to be talking about anger. I believe it's very… misunderstood issue with Christians and I think it's worthy of discussion, and so stay tuned for this show which I think can give you some freedom in your life, amen. So again, this show is sponsored by the International College of Ministry. We're now enrolling at icmcollege.org. God bless you, and thanks again for listening to Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self.

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Okay, here we go. Thank you again for listening to this show. I appreciate you very much. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for everyone that is hearing my voice today I pray that you will speak through me with your Holy Spirit and you'll give us the information and the knowledge we need and that we could use, Father, to, to live in the freedom that Jesus won for us, that He paid so dearly for us, Father. So we thank you, Father, for this day. I thank you again, Lord. Let your Holy Spirit touch everyone listening to this podcast. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

So I want to talk about anger. I don't know about you, but growing up, uh, I was pressured not to get angry. It was almost like angry was a sin and so as a Christian, you know, and I grew up in a traditional church but it was a very– it was a good church. Um, grew up in Memphis, Tennessee at a big old church called First Baptist Church. But you know, it was a… it was a good church and we did teach Christian values, I did learn Christian values. But one value I learned and I'm not sure to– today is a good value is don't get angry, you know, don't, don't get mad, uh, control your temper. 

And so control your temper to me meant just don't get angry. But there was a problem because anger is a normal emotion. It's an emotion that we all feel. And so there was this constant pressure or feeling that if I did get angry, say something out of anger, even feel angry, that somehow I was not being a good Christian. And I don't know if you can relate to this or not, I'm sure you can. And then if I exploded and said some things and raised my voice, then all of a sudden I've got this shame and condemnation coming upon me, like how could I call myself a, a, a good Christian man when I just lost my temper, you know? The expression lost your temper, um, and I guess that means losing control. 

But I want to explore that a little bit: is anger a bad thing? If it is a bad thing, why did God create us with that emotion? So when we look at anger, scripturally we see that Jesus got angry. You know the incident at the temple when He found the money changers in there selling and taking advantage of the people and He got angry and um, He turned their tables over? I think he even used a whip, got very angry. Um, you see the, the wrath of God throughout the Old Testament. ‘Course, Jesus did satisfy the wrath of God when He died on the cross. That word by the way is called propitiation. That means the satisfying of God's wrath. Matter of fact, the Bible says before we were saved we were objects of God's wrath so obviously God got angry. 

And so we have this emotion called anger. And where does anger come from? Well, let me give you a little information here. I would say 90% of the time, maybe even a higher percentage than that, anger comes from pain, from hurt. When you feel hurt or pain - it could be rejection, betrayal, it could be physical pain, anger is an emotion that typically arises out of of pain. With men, many times it's the feeling of disrespect. If a man feels disrespected, guarantee you every single time when a man feels disrespected, they're going to get angry. If a, if a woman feels uh, that trust has been violated, their's going to be angry. 

And I'm not trying to, you know, typecast people here, but anger has causes and the Bible says something really interesting. You know, in the book of uh, Ephesians, in the book of Ephesians 4, verse 26, chapter 4:26, the Bible says “Be angry and do not sin. Do not let the sun go down on your wrath,” or your anger. I thought, well that's interesting. And it says be angry but do not, do not sin. So it didn't say don't be angry and therefore sin, it said be angry but do not sin. So I struggled so many times because you know, I'm, I'm a tenderhearted guy. I'm a compassionate guy and I feel things very deeply. And that's a good thing and the compassion gift is known as the heart of Christ. And if you have that gift, that's what the gift is commonly called. But when you feel deeply, you also hurt deeply. And so when… in my life looking back, when I was hurt I got angry. I got angry at the pain or rejection or whatever… I– disrespect, whatever I was feeling. I got angry and then I might raise my voice. Of course, before I was– when I was walking in the world I might say some ugly things. But then I would get this shame and guilt and condemnation come over me, like what kind of person are you? Are you really a Christian? Are you even saved? Blah, blah, blah. And the devil would have a field day with it. 

But remember again, in Ephesians. Be angry but do not sin. So I want to make something very, very clear to you. Anger is a normal emotion. Angry is an emo– anger is an emotion that God created within us. You know, we have a lot of emotions. There's joy and there's sadness and there, there's uh, excitement. We have, we have emotions, we're emotional beings. And anger is a normal emotion, but here's where the issue comes in. As adults, the issue is not anger. It's not anger. You say, “Well, you got an anger problem. You, you, you need to control your anger, control your temper.” Have you heard that? Me, I heard that for years, “Control your temper.” The issue is never ever, ever anger. The issue is how you handle anger. I'm going to say that again. The issue is not anger, the issue is how you handle anger. So my question to you today is do you handle anger like an adult? Hmm. Or do you handle anger like a child? Now I'm assuming that there’s adults listening to me. 

There is an issue in psychology or in counseling we call Arrested Development. Now, typically when we use the, the term Arrested Development, it means somebody is… has not fully developed in a certain area of their life. When a person goes - and this is all related, hang with me. When a person goes through trauma maybe at a younger age, or a person begins to drink or do drugs to escape reality, what happens at that particular time in their life, they will continue to grow in their bodies, they may continue to grow in their intellect, although it can be stunted, but emotionally because– and emotionally they stop growing. See, drugs alcohol and even sometimes trauma can cause our emotions to be frozen at a particular age and this is why I, through the years of counseling and ministry - I'll pick on men here for a second. I– I'll be counseling a man who they, they said uh, he's abusive. And when– he said he's perfectly fine until he gets mad. Then when he gets mad he, he throws a tantrum and, and he, he does things. He may hit, he may throw objects, he may do these childish things, but he's an adult. You see, that's called Arrested Development. That's what happens when a person has developed intellectually, developed physically, but is not fully developed emotionally. I believe this is behind… most of the perpetrators of abuse suffer Arrested Development in their emotions. 

So anger is not the problem with this person who has Arrested Development, the problem is how they manage their anger. What we're called to do is to manage our anger like an adult. It– the Bible doesn't say don't get angry, but the problem is, is how we express our anger. We need to learn how to express our anger as mature Christian adults, okay? It's okay to be angry. Let me say it again. It is okay to be angry. But again, there's a way to be angry and not sin. 

So, so if you're getting angry and you're saying things you regret or you're doing things you regret, you may need to ask the Lord to help you grow up in your emotions. Now, again, I'm not telling you don't get angry. That's just unrealistic, that's unrealistic expectations to say you just need to not, not get angry. Well, you tell me how that's going to work, okay? And a lot of people are trying to - Christians - trying to control their anger, they become like human volcanoes and they stuff it down, they stuff it down, they stuff it down, they stuff it down and one day, they explode. As a little side point, one of– the people with compassion tend to be like that. They will hold it and hold it and hold it and hold it till all of a sudden, there's an explosion. You don't want– that's not good either. 

There is an appropriate way to handle angry. When you are hurt, the issue is not… the issue should never be don't get mad. Yeah, you should get mad, you should get angry, but how do you express that anger? What a Christian adult should do, in my humble opinion, is talk about their anger. For instance, maybe your spouse said something that hurt you and made you angry, so your response could be, “Honey, I got to tell you right now I'm feeling hurt and I'm feeling a lot of anger. I am really upset with what you did. I felt it was inappropriate. I don't felt it was Christian or deserving. I feel disrespected and I am hurt and I am mad. I think I'm going to take a time out and just pull away for a little bit, okay? Maybe we can talk later.” Now, in that scenario, what I've done is I didn't stuff my anger, I didn't deny my anger which was there. I expressed my anger like an adult. And so it's not– controlling your anger is not the issue. And the issue is definitely not don't ever be angry, ‘cause you will be angry. The issue should be how do you express your anger. How– what do you do with it? 

Have you heard– there's an old expression that says get it off your chest. So when you're, when you're angry, when you're angry, it is good to talk about it, okay? It is definitely good to, to speak about it. Let me reiterate that. Anger is a normal emotion. It is a reaction to pain. People get angry when they are hurt. Again, as Christians, we must learn. I encourage you to learn, not to be, not to suppress your anger but express your anger in a mature way. Now, you may need to, you know, back off for a few minutes but if you stuff anger and you stuff the pain, it's going to affect your personality, it's going to affect your behavior, it's going to affect your relationships. It's important to give expression to anger. Again, remember the old expression, “Get it off your chest?” “Get it off your chest?” Well, there's a lot of truth to that. There's a lot of truth to speaking what you feel and get to release. If you just… you know, speaking is not an option, write it down, but give expression in a mature way to your anger and do not get into this condemnation, “Oh, I shouldn't be mad. I can't believe I got mad. I can't believe I'm, I'm so angry.” Well, of course… you know, anger is… anger is appropriate. Anger is created within us. It's a normal created emotion. 

Again, express your anger like an adult. watch out for Arrested Development. If you feel that maybe emotionally you're not where you need to be, you haven't fully matured in that area - and it's not unusual folks, no condemnation - you pray a prayer like, “Lord, help me. Lord, help me to grow and mature in my emotions.” If you had a previous history of alcoholism or drug addiction or uh, abuse, probably you have some emotional issues. That's normal, okay? It's normal, no condemnation. But the Lord can heal, can help you can grow up. I see the issue of Arrested Development a lot um, in, in, in, I see a lot in men. Of course, it's in, it's in women too. One of my favorite stories - and I– I'll explain this - about Arrested Development. You, you may not… this name may not be familiar to you, but there was a very, very famous basketball coach in Indiana called Bobby Knight. Hall of Fame basketball coach, college basketball coach. And whenever you saw him on TV or a interview with him, he was this very intelligent, very articulate, well-spoken, highly respected man. However, when he was coaching a basketball game, if he got upset his actions were legendary. There are videos of Bobby Knight getting upset at a college basketball game, grabbing a chair, and throwing it across the basketball court because he was upset. There is another video of Bobby Knight getting upset at a player - one of his players - put– and he put his hands around the player's neck and began to choke him. Literally. One of his own players - tried to choke him. And that is classic Arrested Development. Bobby Knight, brilliant man, brilliant basketball coach, but when he lost, when he got angry, he had the emotions of a 12-year-old. And I guarantee you he went through some kind of trauma or abuse as a young man. 

Eventually, make a long story short, he is walking across campus - I think it was Indiana State or University of Indiana, one of those two. He's walking across campus and a student said something to him and he felt disrespected by the student’s comment and he reached out and he shoved the student. Well, that cost him his job. That's called Arrested Development. I always say that Bobby Knight was the poster child for Arrested Development. Usually when there is domestic violence, unfortunately, one of the, the per– perpetrator has Arrested Development. And not only does Arrested Development prohibits you from growing up emotionally, you know, freezes your emotions at a certain age, it also can affect your perceptions on how you perceive things. So when your perceptions are filtered, you'll perceive things as offense or rejection or put down that really are not. And that's, that's a whole nother issue. But again, if… when you get angry, if you act like a grown child, you need help. You can– counseling is good, uh, it, you know the Bible says confess our faults one to another and pray that we might be healed. Uh, in First John, confess– if we confess our sins, He's faithful and just to forgive us and heal us from all unrighteousness. And so there's answers to this. 

Again, what I wanted to get across in this podcast is anger is not the issue, it's how we express the anger. We must learn to be angry and express our anger in a mature way and the best way to do that is just to talk in a calm voice if you can. Maybe– you may have to raise your voice a little bit, but just speak what you're feeling without hitting, screaming, saying bad words, whatever. Talk like an adult but get your feelings out and

acknowledge your anger. Not to be angry is unrealistic and that's just not– that's just not reality. Stuffing your anger is, is long-term issues but expressing your anger as a mature adult is the appropriate way to do it. That's why we can be angry and sin not. Be angry and sin not, when we express our anger as an adult, amen. 

I hope this show has been a blessing to you. Heavenly Father, I pray for everyone here listening to me. And Father, if there’s someone here that has trouble in the way they express their anger, I pray right now, Father, that your healing - the Holy Spirit - you would come, you would heal this area. Grow us and mature us in this area, Father. Lord, I– touch them now, Holy Spirit. Touch us now, Father. Let there be no condemnation and no shame but maybe a conviction that we need your help to grow and mature in this area. So Father, thank you for everyone listening to the show. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen, amen. God bless you, folks.

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Well, that completes episode 167. Can you believe it? 167 episodes. Thank you again for listening to the show. I pray the show has been a blessing to, to you. Again, we're sponsored by the International College of Ministry. Go to icmcollege.org and in there you can get some free courses. You can get a free evaluation, a lot of free stuff, and maybe you want to enroll and finish the education that you never completed but finish it with God's way, a Holy Spirit-filled Bible College. Get your Associate’s, Bachelor’s, Master’s, or doctorate degree today. icmcollege.org. Please um, check out my books. I've got uh, Redeeming Your Past, Finding Your Promised Land on Amazon, Hear His Voice, be His Voice. And coming out within a few weeks is my third book called The Call: The Lord's Called You, What Do You Need to Know? I appreciate you listening to this uh, episode of Self Talk and be sure and subscribe and share. Go to our website for the show, icmcollege.org/selftalk, and there you can get on our mailing list, you can see every episode I've ever recorded. Please be sure, give us a review - that helps us a lot - and share this with your friends. God bless you. Thank you again for listening to me talking on Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. God bless you.