Christians and Boundaries

Hey, Dr. Ray Self here. Got a real important show coming up. Can you believe it? This is our 172nd episode of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. This is going to be a really important show because I want to talk about boundaries and Christianity because sometimes it seems like they conflict with one another. You know, are, are we being a good Christian when we, when we set a healthy boundary and we tell people “no”? Aren't we supposed to be merciful and kind and you know, forgiving? And how does that work out and how are boundaries even biblical? I'm going to talk about these questions coming up. We're going to answer these questions because this is a very important topic for your life and for your relationships. Again. thank you for being a part of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. This show is sponsored by the International College of Ministry, now enrolling, at icmcollege.org. God bless you and uh, let's get ready for another show. Amen.

[Music]

Okay, Dr. Ray Self, here we go. Episode 172. Heavenly Father, thank you for everyone listening to this podcast. I pray, Father, that this show will be a blessing to them and that it will touch their hearts and open up our minds to more truth concerning you and your kingdom, Father. In Jesus’ name. Amen.

Boundaries. You've heard a lot about boundaries if you've been around a while. And you know, what, what is a boundary and how does this affect us as Christians and what should be our response when we are dealing with this principle called boundaries? I like to describe a boundary as this: a boundary is knowing where you end and someone else begins. Let me say that again. A boundary is knowing where you end and someone else begins. Period.

So, a boundary tells you what belongs to you and what does not belong to you, what is your responsibility what is not your responsibility, what is part of your life, what is not part of your life. So a boundary is a defining line. Another good way to look at it is if you own a piece of property. Say you own a home. There is a boundary around your yard that, that is actually your property line. And so your property belongs to you and the boundary that outlines your property tells you what is yours what is not yours, what you pay for with a mortgage is yours, and what you're taxed on is yours, and what is not yours. And so, when– the boundary line is a protective line as well. And, now, with your property, if somebody comes across that line into your yard, they have crossed the boundary and they're on your property, and you actually have a right to tell them to get off your property, okay? Because they have crossed the boundary. 

And our, our bodies have boundaries. We were built with a boundary. The most common boundary is your skin. Your skin keeps things out which shouldn't be there and keeps things in which should be there. Your skin is a protective boundary for all– everything that's inside your body. You know, your organs, your muscles, your nerves, your blood vessels, everything is protected by skin. So a boundary is a protective level but more than that, a boundary also is a definition. It's a definition of what is you and what belongs to you and what does not belong to you. 

Now, in relationships, what happens is boundaries are not enforced and are crossed so many times. Especially in relationships. For instance, I am not responsible for you. Now, I may be accountable to you but if there's another adult, their actions, their thoughts, their feelings belong to them. My actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my words belong to me. Now, what happens with so many people is we mishmash or cross, or soften boundaries. Let me explain this a little bit fuller. For years in my life I felt I was responsible for how other people thought of me, what other people did. I was a very sincere…and worked hard at being a people pleaser. I was very concerned about what other people thought, what other people said, what other people did. And somehow, I felt it was my job to make sure that they were happy, to make sure that uh, they were doing what they were supposed to be doing. And in other words, I felt accountable, or, that's not a good word, scratch that word. I felt responsible for other people. That is a violation of boundaries. 

Let me make this very clear to you, I want you to get this point today: You are not responsible for other people. Now, you may be responsible for a child or maybe a handicapped adult or a, an elderly parent who cannot care for themselves, that's a different matter, but I'm talking about adults to adults. What other people think - now hear me, this is going to sound kind of strange but it's absolute truth - what other people think of you is none of your business. Well, how could you say that? I mean, do you care– not care what other people think? Sure I care what they think, but I am not in control of other people's thoughts. I am not– and not only am I not in control, I'm not supposed to even try to control other people's thoughts. A boundary is…says that I am accountable to me. I am responsible for my thoughts, I am responsible for my behavior, I'm responsible for my actions, I'm responsible for my words. However, I am not responsible for your actions, your words, and your behavior. 

Now, another clear example of this is if I throw a rock at you, that's my…I'm, I'm, I'm guilty. I did it, okay? If you pick up, throw the rock back at me, you're responsible and you did that. Now sure, my actions and my words and my thoughts and my feelings can't influence another person, but when you get to the point where you feel you have some form of control or some form of responsibility over another adult's words, actions, thoughts, and behavior, you're getting into a spirit of control. in other words, I need to learn what God has given to me to own and possess and be responsible for and let go of what God has given to other people to be for their responsibility. 

Let, let me take an example of this podcast for instance. My job - you know, and I hope you're listening to this podcast, I hope you enjoy this podcast - my responsibility here is to do this podcast, is to speak truth to the best of my knowledge and hopefully be a blessing to you. Now, I want you to receive this, I want this to be a blessing to you, I hope that you, that you like this and you learn something from this, but that's not my responsibility. My responsibility is to do the best that I can. How you receive it, what you do with it, what you think of it, is– that's your stuff. 

Other words, I have to know where my job ends and your job begins and so many times in life, boundaries get blurred. They get, they get fuzzy. I mean, again I thought for so many years that everything was my fault, that, you know, how other people behaved and acted was my fault and so I took responsibility for other people's behavior. And then, not only was I constantly frustrated because you really can't control other people, have you not learned that? Not only was I frustrated, you know, so much of the time I also became a controller, ‘cause I was working so hard trying to get people to act and respond the way I thought they should respond, I ended up getting into the area of control and manipulation until God firmly rebuked me many, many years ago. 

Matter of fact, I'll never forget what God told me, and this– something– this changed my life because see, I thought that if I was right about something, I had the right to put that rightness upon you and to try to get you to see it my way and do it my way because I was right and since I was right, that gave me a right to control you because I was doing what I thought was best for you because it was good for you because I knew what was right. Well, one day the Lord spoke to me in a very clear voice. He said, Ray, just because you're right that does not give you a right. I've never forgot that. Just because you're right, it doesn't give you a right. And I knew what He was talking about, that I had become a controller. And see, when you, when you're trying to control other people, you're violating God's rule of boundaries. 

See, a boundary says you should focus on what God has given you to be responsible for and let go of other people and what they are responsible for. Another thing, another huge essence of boundaries is consequence…so many years, I mean, I, I was a very merciful guy and I still am and, and I tended to be a rescuer. I did not want people to suffer consequence. In other words, I felt like I, I needed to make sure I alleviated all pain and suffering and make sure that people didn't suffer consequence for their behavior because I was merciful and forgiving. I want to tell you something: one of the key violations of boundaries is not– by not allowing a person to suffer their natural consequence of their behavior. God works through consequence and if it is a natural consequence for somebody's behavior and you get in there and take that away from them, you're playing God and you're also many times getting in the way of God. In other words, let's talk about maybe, maybe our children, uh, just a basic principle, you know, of, of our children. Your, your child comes to you and, and says, “Daddy, Daddy, I forgot to do my homework. Can you write me a note to the teacher and, and tell them that I was sick and you know, and, and maybe she'll– she won't give me a bad grade.” Well, if I do that then I'm not allowing my child to experience the consequence of their behavior and I have violated the law of boundaries. We do this with adults. 

Um, I'll tell you kind of an extreme story. Years ago I was counseling a lady who lived with a severe alcoholic and she told me a story about how many times…she said, she said, “Dr. Self…” this was just miraculous. I, I mean I can't even believe this would happen. She said, “...but my husband after work would go get drunk. He would go get drunk and somehow, someway, every night he's able to drive his pickup truck home. He gets all the way to the driveway and then he passes out in the truck. Well, because I'm his wife I go get him out of the truck and I drag him into the house, I get him undressed, put him in bed because I am, you know, a good wife.” And I said, “No.” I said, “Leave him in the truck. That– that's his consequence for his behavior. Leave him in the truck.” I said, “What you're doing is enabling. You're taking away a natural consequence for somebody's behavior. When you take away a natural consequence, you're getting in the way of what God may want to do in the situation.” 

Now, I don't like consequences, but I know that I learn a lot through consequences and so what I told her was, “Stop enabling your husband, stop rescuing your husband.” When we rescue people from a consequence for their behavior, whatever it is, we're enabling and we're violating the law of boundaries. So that– that's one essence of it. Also, in relationships, a boundary says what you will allow into your life, what you will not allow into your life. So there are people out there in relationships that are boundary trespassers and they could care less about your boundaries and they will trespass them, that's a whole another story. Then you have to really up your defenses but a typical boundary is the word, “no.” Let's say you're married and your spouse is doing something that, that bothers you, that, that you don't like. Or saying– you say, you say, “No, please stop that, I do not appreciate that,” that's setting a boundary. Now, if they continue to do that, then they're crossing your boundary. It should be that we can just say “no,” and that is a healthy boundary.

Now, when you're dealing with a boundary trespasser, what they do is you tell them “no” and they just keep on doing the same thing over and over and over again which could be– maybe it's emotional abuse, maybe they're saying something that is emotionally abusive to you. You say, “No, I do not want to hear that. I would appreciate it if you quit saying those words to me,” well, that's your responsibility. But when they keep doing it, they're crossing over your boundaries. Now at that point, you may have to reinforce your boundaries by saying something like, “If you continue with this behavior that is causing harm to me, I will have to remove myself from your presence,” okay? That's enforcing your boundaries, okay? Now, I'm not trying to control them, I'm just saying this is what I'm going to allow into my life and what I'm not going to allow into my life.

Again, think of your yard. You got a boundary around there, you are responsible for who you will allow to come into your yard and who you will not allow to come into your yard because that is your property. And so a boundary speaks of what you will allow into your life what you will allow into your spirit and what you will not allow into your spirit, okay? And so enforcing those boundaries is very critical. 

Let me tell you a story about Jesus which you may be uh, familiar with, okay? And this is when Jesus was– went to His hometown of Nazareth in Luke chapter 4, in the early part of Jesus's ministry. He returns to his hometown of Nazareth and the story is, you know, He goes into the synagogue and He opens up, um, the book of Isaiah. You know, He was, He's reading in the synagogue and he tells them “The Spirit of the Lord God's upon Me, has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor, He sent me to heal the brokenhearted to preach delivery to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind to sent at liberty those that are bruised, to preach the acceptable year of the Lord.” You know, and He closed the book and He looked around and then He said to them, “Today this scripture is fulfilled in your ears,” Which amazed them that He said that. Then He proceeds to talk about how a prophet is not welcome in his own hometown and He gives them a little rebuke. And they got so angry with Him, the people of his own hometown, and it says this: He says in verse 28 of Luke 4, “And all they in the synagogue, when they heard these things, were filled with wrath and they rose up and thrust Him out of the city; and they led Him to the brow of a hill whereupon the city was built, that they might cast Him down headlong.” Here comes the boundary. “But He passed through the midst of them and went His way.” In other words, they wanted to cause Him harm. Jesus did not allow harm. He moved, He got out of there. He set a boundary, “No, I'm not going to allow this to happen to me. I'm going to get away from these people,” and that is a boundary. 

So… I hope… the, the key thing to boundary was see, in that situation, Jesus was not taking responsibility for their behavior, which was awful, but He was taking responsibility to care for Himself, and to care for Himself was He got out of there. He removed himself from that situation. So that's what a boundary is, it, it's taking care of yourself, taking ownership of yourself, taking responsibility for yourself, and setting a limit of what you will allow into your life and what you will not allow into your life, and stop getting into other people's lives and trying to control and fix and manipulate other people, even with good intentions because then you're violating their boundaries. Sometimes a boundary is just again, knowing what God has given to you and what God has not given to you, and He has not given to you to try to control, manipulate, or take responsibility for other people's actions. 

And again, let me say this phrase again because this phrase, when I, when I caught this it really changed my life. I was at a meeting one time and somebody said what other people think of you is none of your business. And I thought, wait a minute… at first I resisted that. I'm thinking, well, it’s got to be my business because I want everybody to think good of me. Well, that's good, I want everybody to like me but see, what your thoughts– now you listening to me now, your thoughts belong to you, your opinion belongs to you, your emotions belong to you, they do not belong to me. Therefore, it's not of my business. What is my business? My business is to be Christlike, my business is to love you, my business is to be courteous and kind to you and scriptural to you, that's my business. But how you receive it, what you think of me and what your emotions are and what your feelings are, is up to you. It's none of my business. I want you to have happy thoughts, I want you to like me but I cannot control that, therefore, that's your job. So in other words, your thoughts are your thoughts, my thoughts are my thoughts. 

There's a line between there and that is a boundary. Um, I use that as– I– for years I worked in retail sales and you know, sometimes you deal with really ugly people. And I had to get this principle down that you know what? I'm sorry they feel that way, I'm sorry this, this customer is so ugly and rude. I used to take it on personally as a personal insult. But then I realized, you know what? That's their stuff. It's their feelings, it's their words, it's their behavior. God holds them accountable for their behavior but it's not– does not belong to me. It's none of my business, it's their business. That's a boundary. 

In the book of uh, Jeremiah, talking about the New Covenant, God makes it very clear in the New Covenant that God will hold each one of us responsible for our own iniquity. In other words, I'm not responsible for your iniquity, I'm responsible for my iniquity. Now, the old Ray would say, would somehow I want to take accountability and responsibility for, for your iniquity. But no, God holds each one of us responsible for our, our actions. And hear this word. We are also responsible for our reactions. Now, if you say something rude and ugly to me, that's your fault, that's your business, those are your words and your thoughts. If I respond to you with a rude and ugly comment, that's my fault and that's my responsibility and I'm accountable for that to God. In other words, I do not have to react in a negative awful way to everything negative that comes into my life and learning this in relationships can actually make marriages stronger, relationships with your children and your spouse stronger, and even your bosses stronger. Amen. Know your responsibility which is you. You are responsible for your behavior, your actions, your words, your thoughts. Other people are responsible for theirs and there is a dividing line that God put there between that. So stop crossing the line of boundaries. Know where you end and another person begins and do not enable people for things that they are responsible for. 

Remember the lady who would always take her drunk husband– help him get out of his truck and put him to bed? Well, you know what? That was his responsibility. He was drinking so much that he could not put himself to bed. He's an adult that was his responsibility. Now, if she had left him in that truck and had stopped rescuing him, perhaps he would have faced the consequence, suffered a consequence and maybe he would have received some help. 

I want to tell you something. Remember this, God works through natural consequence. Do not, do not take away a natural consequence of another adult's behavior, even your child's behavior, that is violating their boundaries and your boundaries, amen. You know the old serenity prayer that people used to pray all the time? It's still a good prayer. “Lord, help me to accept the things that…” uh, uh, I– “help me accept the things I cannot change and change the things that I can and have the wisdom to know the difference.” Well, I've learned you cannot change other people. I would like to change other people, I could influence other people, but other people are responsible for their own behavior. I'm responsible for my behavior, I'm responsible for my body, I am responsible for my thoughts, I'm responsible for my emotions, I'm responsible for my words and my actions, but I'm not responsible for your thoughts, your words, your actions, and your body, amen. That's what a boundary is and Jesus set boundaries. He would not allow himself to be harmed by those people, amen. 

A boundary is again, a limit. A dividing line that God has given us for our own well-being, our own safety, and our own peace. When you understand the essence of boundaries and get the principle of boundaries down in your spirit, it will change your life and give you that peace that passes all understanding as the book of Philippians talks about. A good resource on boundaries is uh, Henry Cloud. Just look up Dr. Henry Cloud. I forgot the name, I think it's just called Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud, a great resource. There's several versions of that book and workbooks of that book. If you've had trouble setting healthy boundaries in your life and knowing where you end and another person begins again, read the books by Dr. Henry Cloud. Just look them up, you'll find them, they're very, very popular. 

So I hope this show has been a blessing to you and I hope you understand it's okay to set a limit, it's okay. Remember, you are responsible for yourself but you are not responsible for the actions and behavior of other adults, that's their responsibility. You can be responsible and be courteous kind and Christlike, that's a good responsibility to take upon yourself, but if the person you're in a relationship with or you're around is not courteous and not Christlike and maybe mean and rude, that is their fault, it's their behavior, God will hold them accountable, amen. Not you. God will not hold you accountable for their behavior. 

One phrase… I'll just kind of close with this one phrase I'd like to use, um, when I'm around somebody who's trying to put a really negative emotion upon me or criticism upon me, there's one phrase that is really powerful and it goes like this. You listen to their criticism or their emotional– whatever they're trying to dump on you, remember, it's their garbage, not your garbage, their stuff, not your stuff. I will say, “I'm sorry you feel that way.” And I stop right there and that little phrase, “I'm sorry you feel that way,” is telling them that you are letting them own their feelings and their words and you're not taking it upon yourself. “I'm sorry you feel that way.” It's a very powerful word. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for everyone listening to this show. I pray that this show will be a blessing to them. We give you honor and praise. And Father, help us to learn what you have given us to be owners of and responsible of. Help us to be good stewards of our, of our body, of our thoughts, of our mind, and our emotions. And Lord, we pray for those around us that may even be toxic, Father, that you would heal them and you would help them, Father. In the name of Jesus Christ, Lord, forgive us for stepping over boundaries that you have set for us, Father. And Lord, we thank you, we praise you. In Jesus’ name, amen. Amen. 

Before we go, one last word. Remember, this a good thing to do if you're around somebody who's a boundary violator is pray for them. Pray for them. And you'll get a release and you get more peace in your spirit that way, amen. Thank you for listening to the 172nd… 172nd episode of Self Talk. It's hard to believe it's been that much. God bless you. Thank you so much.

[Music]

Well, that completes episode 172. I thank you for listening to this show. I hope maybe that boundaries is becoming a little more clear to you and you will learn how to set healthy boundaries for yourself. You know, we all have limits that we need to uh, to look at. A limit is good for us. We have limits physically, limits emotionally, even limits spiritually, so another essence of boundaries is learning how to set limits and know when it's time to stop, amen? I just want to encourage you with that. Again, please um, subscribe to the show, that really helps us. Give us a review, go to our our show website, icmcollege.org/selftalk. icmcollege.org/selftalk. If you will give us a review and please share this show with us, help us reach more people with the encouraging news of Jesus Christ, amen. Thank you so much for being part of Self Talk. Uh, don't forget also that um, we're sponsored by the International College of Ministry. If you got a call of God on your life and you've never finished your college degree, you've never got equipped in the area of Christian counseling or ministry or theology, We've got a program for you and we've got scholarships for you. Check us out, icmcollege.org. God bless you, thank you again for listening to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. God bless you.