Conflict in Relationships

Hey everyone, this is Dr. Ray Self here. Thank you for listening to my show, I appreciate it so much. Um, we've had a huge increase in downloads thanks to you guys, so, that means a lot to me. Be sure and tell people about this show, share it. Um, if you can write a review on our website, icmcollege.org/selftalk, that really helps us a lot. Anyway, today is an important topic, I'm talking about conflict in relationships and how it could be…possibly, healthy, can you believe it? Thanks for listening to Self Talk, let's get ready to get started. God bless you.

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Okay, Dr. Ray here. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for everyone listening to this show, to this broadcast. I pray that I can give them some wisdom from you, so Holy Spirit, we need you, we need you for this time together, and we thank you, Jesus, we thank you, Jesus, it's all about you. Amen and amen. 

So today I'm talking about conflict in relationships. It happens. It happens a lot. Sometimes, the more intimate you are, the closer you are, the more conflict there is. But is conflict always bad? Now, conflict is stressful, conflict is something I don't like um, and, you know, I love to teach on gifting and if you have the gift of compassion, you especially hate conflict -  that's a whole nother series I could do…But conflict is, is tough, it, it's stressful, um, it can be scary, it's maddening, it's frustrating, there's a lot of uh, mixed emotions that go on with conflict. It can cause separation, it can be very, very damaging, it can even turn violent. So conflict can be destructive and it seems like the closer you are to someone, it's maybe more likely to have a conflict. Um, you know, I don't conflict with the cashier at the grocery store too much, you know, I really don't, uh…But those closest to you can push your buttons and trigger a conflict better or more easily than anyone else. But what I want to tell you is there's ways to resolve conflict that can be healthy. See, what conflict can do is increase respect. It can be a problem solver, it can be a boundary setter, so there's some things that could actually come out on the positive side with conflict; and, and sometimes, conflicts have to happen. There is a conflict. There's a conflict of interest, a conflict of ideas, a conflict of– that's caused by hurt or wounds, a conflict because of an offense, a conflict because of a thousand reasons. 

So, in conflicts, there are four ways that people typically resolve conflict and three of these ways are terrible but we do it because we're human. So one way people resolve conflict is they don't. They avoid it. They don't solve it. They avoid it. At all costs, whatever it takes. That may be, “I'm not going to talk about it, I'm going to be a people pleaser,” or, or, “I'm going to duck the issue, put my head in the sand,” however you want to say it. Now, the problem with that is there's a temporary relief, I'm not going to deal with this but, the issue that caused the conflict remains unresolved, it's still there. So, the avoiders, um, really are not doing anything that's, that, that's particularly healthy. They're just avoiding issues and it's just not going to work out. It's not going, not going to solve a problem, it's going to allow things to persist and usually it will persist and even magnify or get worse over time. That's the avoider. 

The second way people resolve conflict is the appeaser, “Yes, dear, whatever you want. Okay, we'll do it your way. It's all right, don't worry about, it, it's okay. Yeah, that's fine, whatever you want.” Now, the appeaser is similar to the avoider. They're avoiding the conflict by appeasing the other person however, the appeaser is, truthfully, not being truthful. They're not being honest, they are appeasing just because they want to get rid of the conflict. They don't want to go there, they don't want to experience the pain and the frustration and the emotions that, that conflict can cause so therefore, they just appease. But underneath it all, the appeaser is frustrated, the appeaser is still feeling the emotions, the appeaser knows that uh, they're giving into something they didn't really want to do, and they will develop bitterness, resentment, uh, anger. Sometimes appeasers can be like walking volcanoes. They'll simmer and simmer and simmer and simmer till one day they completely explode out of nowhere and then then it becomes terrible. But there are people that are appeasers, they, they feel like that's how you solve conflict. I could– actually, I just– I know some that appease. They're the– I call them the yes dear folks. 

So, you have the avoiders, you have the appeasers, okay? Neither one of those are healthy or good. Um, the issue’s remaining, the issue’s not being resolved, the issues grow and magnify. The third one - and this is going to sound kind of strange - is the worst one, the absolute worst one. The third way people resolve conflict is try to be right. Fight to win because I'm right. I'm right, therefore it gives me a right. I'm right, therefore I'm going to prove you wrong. That is the worst type of conflict resolver. Now, you might say why is being right so bad? I mean, being right is right, right? You know, you should know the truth, the truth shall set you free. You know, that's a little bit out of context there. So what's wrong with being right? I want to tell you something. If you're in a relationship and there is a disagreement and you are arguing and debating and convincing and yelling, or whatever you have to do to prove that you're right, what are you accomplishing? What you're accomplishing is you are trying to prove your partner, your spouse, as being wrong. Who wants to be a wrong person? When you have a right person and a wrong person in a relationship, it is bad. It actually causes more division But your, your, your natural self, or biblically, would say, our flesh goes, “Wait a minute, I'm right, therefore that gives me a right to prove that I'm right.” You can do that and you can prove that you're right. Go for it, go for it, and see what it does to your relationship. It will hurt your relationship. You're thinking, are you saying being right can hurt your relationship? It sure can. Being right, arguing your rightness, arguing your correctness arguing your, your superior ideas, your better idea, your um, magnification of yourself is destroying and hurting the other person because nobody wants to be the wrong person. And so what happens is this fight to win, fight to be right, causes a conflict normally to escalate because the other person falls into the same trap and they begin to fight to prove that they’re right. So now you have two people fighting to prove that they are right and…they're going to fight. They're going to– it's going to be a heavyweight battle. Because no one wants to be the wrong one, no one wants to be proven wrong. Or you can say, “I, I, I've got facts that cannot be denied, I'm going to prove my wife wrong. I'll make sure she understands that she's wrong, that was incorrect, that was wrong,” you can do that and guarantee you it's going to hurt your marriage, it's going to hurt your relationship. The fight to win people, the fight to prove that they're right people are– it's the most destructive thing that can happen to a relationship. Now, I know that sounds strange because, “Wait, if I'm right, doesn't that give me a right? No, it does not. “What's– I mean, but, but, but I'm right but I'm right, I have to show that she's wrong.” Do it. Go for it. See what it does to your relationship. See what it does to a friendship, see what it does. Fighting to win, fighting to prove that you're right is destructive. 

Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with being correct, there's not, but what's wrong is proving and fighting and using your correctness as a weapon to prove the other person wrong and incorrect and therefore elevating yourself, de-elevating them. You're taking a superior position, you want them to have the inferior position, you become correct they become incorrect, you become the right one they become the wrong one, and it's going to create more division. And it's, it's a natural tendency. You can sacrifice a relationship by proving your rightness and you might want to ask yourself is it worth the relationship to prove your correctness, your rightness, your intelligence, your, your, your, your being, your, that you know best? Is it worth their relationship? 

So what do you do? What's the answer? The answer is - hear me carefully, folks - the answer is find God's answer. Find a Godly resolution. You see, a wise man, a wise woman may be right and they know that person is wrong, but they will seek the Lord. They will seek the Holy Spirit and look for a way to resolve the issue, find an answer to the issue. And the answer is not going to be putting a beat down on your spouse, that's not the answer. The answer is not going to be proving somebody else wrong. The answer is going to come from God. There's going to be an answer on how to handle your difference of opinion. You see, you can have a conflict and be respectful. Matter of fact, a conflict, in it– when it's handled in a Godly way, will increase respect, it will increase understanding because you may not agree with the other person but when you respect them and you listen carefully to them, you'll gain a deeper understanding of who they are and what they stand for. And if they listen to you even though they don't agree with you and they show respect and courtesy to you and your opinion, then what you have is an understanding and you can look for an answer. Maybe it's a compromise, maybe it's something you never thought of - which happens a lot with God;  His ways are not our ways, His thoughts are not our thoughts.

So…think about– I want– let's look at this. You can appease, you can avoid, you can fight to win to prove your rightness, or you can find God's answer and God's wisdom. And when you do that, it's not that– you know, being right’s okay, it's good to be right, okay? But how you handle it– the wisdom that God has for you to resolve the problem - is, is critical. Crucial. Now, one thing in a conflict - I just mentioned it in a minute ago but I want to re-emphasize this - show courtesy and respect to each other. You can show courtesy to a person you disagree with by listening to them. Many times what a person wants even more than being correct is to be understood. It's critical in a conflict that you understand and make sure that the person, or say it's your wife, that your wife un– that you, your wife understands that you understand her, that your wife knows you're listening to her, that your wife knows that you are valuing her opinion and that she is important. Now, you've done that, you have a foundation where you can express your different opinion, your different idea, your different viewpoint. And if she will practice the same principle of showing you respect and you consideration and listening carefully to you. See, this is Godly wisdom. And you practice this Godly wisdom…or, and of course, the greatest thing you can do is to pray, “Lord, give us an answer. Lord, we need your answer.” When you practice these principles, what happens is the relationship grows stronger, the respect increases the understanding and the intimacy can actually increase through a conflict when you seek a Godly resolution and show respect and courtesy to one another and listen carefully to one another. 

You know, one thing, uh, a principle that my wife and I use that's kind of silly is - we call it the Wendy’s Drive-through. You say, Wendy's drive-through? Well, you know, you go to Wendy's drive-thru and what do you do? You, uh…”May I take your order, please?” You're at the, at the mic that you can– the speaker you can barely understand and, and you– they'll say, “Can I take your order?” You say, “Yes, um, I want the um, I want the number three combo with a large fry and, and a Diet Coke, please–” the diet cook makes it okay. And what does the, the order taker do? He or she repeats what they heard you say, “Yes, that'll be a Diet Coke, that'll be um, a large fry and a number two combo, is that correct?” “Yes, that's correct.” It's called Wendy's drive-through. So what we do sometimes, my wife and I, we will say, “Hey, let's do the drive-through,” and I'll listen to my wife's different point of view and I'll repeat back to her what I heard her say and she'll listen to my point of view and she'll repeat back what she heard me say. When we do that, we have a clear understanding of each other and we can come to a Godly resolution. The most important thing we can do when there is a conflict and there is a stalemate, we can pray. “Lord, you said if anyone lacks wisdom we should ask and not doubt, “Lord, we need your wisdom here. I ask you, Holy Spirit, to, to give us– talk to us, speak to us, give us your answer, give us your answer for this. We listen to you, we submit to you, we'll do it your way. Thank you, Lord. Amen,” and come up with an answer you've never thought of because God– God's got an answer to every situation and you know it. So, conflict can be healthy if it's done correctly, and that's what I wanted to tell you on this episode of Self Talk. Thank you so much for listening, this is Dr. Ray Self, and uh, hey, don't forget to email me if you got any questions or anything I can help you with. drrayself, d r r a y s e l f @gmail.com. God bless you thanks again for listening.

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Okay, folks, that wraps up episode 186. I pray this show has been a blessing to you. Conflict can actually help a relationship if it's done in a Godly way, in a wise way. Um, got a special I want to talk to you about. You know, I'm president of International College of Ministry. It's a ministry I founded about 25 years ago, an online accredited, Holy Spirit-filled college and we're enrolling right now. I got a special that that's been going on for a week or so but uh, if you enroll before September 15th - so you don't have long - we're giving an additional $400 tuition grant. So whatever your tuition is, $400 comes right off the top. Uh, we have degrees in ministry, theology, Christian counseling, uh, and prophetic ministry. Um, we have associate’s, bachelor’s, master’s, doctoral programs– we give life experience credits, we will transfer credits from other uh, reputable colleges and…and we're affordable. We even have scholarships available for those facing hardship. So think about it, icmcollege.org, icmcollege.org. Click the apply to ICM button or go straight to it with icmcollege.org/enroll. Thanks for listening to Self Talk. Again, I appreciate you. Don't forget to share the show. Uh, subscribe, you know, rate, review, you know, all the stuff that helps us increase uh, the viewership or the downloads, you get the word out to more people. God bless you, thanks again, this is Dr. Ray.