Forgiveness and Boundaries

Hey, I'm Dr. Ray Self. Welcome again to my show, Self Talk. Today is going to be interesting. I'm going to continue my talk about Christians and boundaries because there's a lot of confusion, especially when it comes to the subject of forgiveness. What happens so many times is Christians forgive and feel like they have to become a doormat to turn the other cheek, boundaries are not set. And it becomes a big mess but I want to clear the confusion today. I think this is an important show and if you're struggling with setting limits in your life and still being a forgiving, kind, loving Christian, this show is for you. This show is sponsored by the International College of Ministry, uh, now enrolling at icmcollege.org and I'm also proud to announce my new book coming out, uh, in the next couple of weeks. It's called The Call by Dr. Ray Self. God has called you, this is what you need to know. I'm taking pre-orders now, just email me, drrayself@gmail.com. God bless you, let’s get going with episode 173, can you believe it? Amen.

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Okay, here we go. First things first, let's pray. Heavenly Father, thank you for each person listening to my show today. I pray, Father, you send your Holy Spirit to open up our ears and our hearts and to bless those, Father, that are downloading and listening to this show. I pray, Father, that we can speak truth that will help them stay free and even set others free. So, Father, we give you praise and honor. Have your way today in Jesus' name. Amen. Amen. 

I want to continue my discussion today about boundaries and I want to look at the area of forgiveness. Now, the way I was taught as a young man was that forgiveness is about turning the other cheek. And so you know, I went through some abusive times and uh, some toxic unhealthy relationships and I forgave and I forgave and I forgave, but forgiveness to me was just not doing anything. In other words, I actually allowed myself to be kind of a doormat because you know, I forgave and I forgave and people would just take advantage of that. And unfortunately, there are people out there that will trespass on you because of your compassionate, kind, and loving heart. 

Now, let me tell you something. I want to get– this, this is a very important point. Listen carefully. Just because you're compassionate and forgiving, it never excuses somebody else's bad behavior toward you. Every now and then I hear somebody say, “Well, they only act that way because you allow it,” that is a lie. I have no responsibility for how other people act. That is their business, it's their truth, it's their garbage, it's their behavior. To say that other people are abusive toward me because I allow it is, is putting me in charge of them which is not the way it works. I don't want anybody to be– I don't want anybody to abuse me, I don't want anybody to abuse you. And so when everybody says, “Well, they only act that way because you let them get away with it, because you allow it,” well, that's a lie. They act that way because they act that way. They made a choice to act that way, they made a decision to act that way, they decided to act that way and they acted that way and God will hold them 100% accountable, not you. You're not accountable for their actions and their reactions, you're accountable for your actions and your reactions. So never let anybody put that lie upon you that, “Well, they only let this– they only act that way because of you, because you allow it.” Baloney, baloney, baloney. Excuse me, that's very professional there. 

Now, we can do something to protect ourselves. Now, protecting ourselves doesn't always change another person. Now, it would be great if every unhealthy person in my life and your life would change their behavior the moment we set a healthy boundary. Well, it doesn't always work that way. A boundary is for your protection, a boundary is for your sanity and your emotional, sometimes even physical well-being. 

So let's go back and look at forgiveness. Now, you know, we have a commandment to forgive. You remember Peter asked Jesus how many times should we forgive them, seven times? And He says what, seven– Jesus said, “No, seven times 70.” In other words, we're called to forgive but let's define forgiveness. You see, forgiveness means that I will not punish you or inflict judgment upon you for your behavior. I will not seek retribution against you for your behavior. That's what forgiveness is. Now, now, it doesn't mean I approve of it, I like it, and what they did is not okay. Forgiveness means I am not going to take vengeance upon you, I'm going to let the Lord handle your judgment, does that make sense? See, I kind of had a twisted view of forgiveness when I was a young Christian, like, well, forgiveness meant that, you know, it's okay what they did and you know, we're just going to forget about it. Well, let me tell you something. So many times it's not okay what they did to you, it's not okay what they said to you. It's, it's wrong, it's inappropriate, it's ungodly, you get the picture? However, you, by forgiving them, you are cutting yourself off from them and you're going, you know what? I'm not going to get revenge on you. I'm not going to pay you back what you deserve. I'm going to let God handle that but I am going to let it go and turn you over to God. 

See, unforgiveness links you to the perpetrator. Let me say that again. Unforgiveness links you to the perpetrator, and I don't want to be bound to a perpetrator. When I have unforgiveness in my heart, I am connected to that perpetrator. How many times– I can't even tell you how many times I've heard in my Christian walk about family members and friends who said, “I haven't spoken to my, my aunt Susie in 20 years. I'm never gonna talk to her again. You're not gonna believe what she said to me. I have never forgiven her for that.” Well what that means is this person is connected to and bound to Aunt Susie for the last 20 years. “I'm never going to forgive that, that man for what he said to me.” Well, that means you're connected to that man, you are in partnership with that man because you've got this unforgiveness bond. 

See, when you forgive, you let them go and you turn them over to God. And then you get free. Forgiveness is setting you free, unforgiveness keeps you connected to the perpetrator. Let me say this again, unforgiveness keeps you connected to the perpetrator. And I don't want to stay connected to the perpetrator, I want to cut myself off. Now, I'm going to love them maybe from a distance. So, forgiveness means I don't take revenge, I don't take vengeance upon you, amen. If uh, somebody throws a rock at me, that's not good. I'm going to remove myself from that person so they– so they stop throwing rocks at me. I'm not going to allow myself to be hit by a rock but I'm also– forgiveness means I'm not going to pick up the rock and throw it back at them, even though they deserve it. So forgiveness means I'm going to let God judge that person, I'm going to let God handle that person. It's not ok– I'm not saying what they did to me is okay, it's not okay. I'm not saying what they did to me had no effect on me, that's not true either. I'm not going to say I approve or it just– I'm just going to forget it - that's a lie too. You don't forget stuff. It's still in your memory. What forgiveness says again is, I am not going to get you back, I'm not going to put a judgment upon you, I'm not going to pass sentence upon you. Remember Jesus said, “...judge not lest you be judged.” Well, what that means is we're not to pass a sentence upon someone. He also said you can judge people by their fruit, that's two different types of judgment.

So unforgiveness means I'm connected to you, I have bitterness toward you, I have, I have vengeance toward you, I have hatred toward you and I'm staying in that relationship with you even though I'm saying I, I don't forgive you, I'm still connected to you. It's, it's really sick. So the moment I forgive and turn the person over to God, I disconnect from that person which is sometimes is a very healthy thing to do, that's also a boundary. 

I hope this is making sense to you. So again, a boundary is saying what you allow, what you don't allow. Where you end and where another person begins. So let's say I'm around a unhealthy, toxic person. How can I set a boundary with that person? Well, I can't control what they say and do and think, it would be nice. Now you know, if I– what people do is they will use unforgiveness as a weapon to punish the perpetrator, and it never works. The only person that's being punished is the person who has unforgiveness in their heart. Let me say it again, people try to use unforgiveness as a weapon. They think they're going to hurt Aunt Susie for what she did 10 years ago at Christmas, and the truth is the only person that's being hurt is you, the un– one with unforgiveness. So forgiveness cuts the boundary. It cuts the, it cuts the connection, it cuts the chain, and it sets you free. And it's very, very, very important. It's also a boundary. So I cannot control other people. It– again, and I get angry even thinking about this, “they, they only treat you that way because you allow it.” Well, that's– again, that's not true. They treat me this way because they decided to do that. And I've had people tell me, “Dr. Self, people treat you this way because you're too compassionate.” Again, I'm not taking ownership of them, I'm not taking ownership of their behavior because I'm compassionate. I'm not going to excuse their behavior because I'm a compassionate, nice guy. Do you get it? Regardless of my compassion, that has no excuse, that is no excuse for another person's behavior. 

So how do boundaries play into this? Well, let's say you have a toxic friend who makes– every time you're around them they, they say something that hurts you. Well, what's a boundary? You can, you can confront them and say, “You know what? What you're saying to me is unacceptable. What you're saying to me has hurt me and I do not appreciate it.” And that's good, that, that's a boundary. Now, chances are, most toxic people are not going to– it's not going to stop them at all but it is a good thing to say. You can tell them how you feel, you can tell them what you do not appreciate, however, if they're like most toxic people, I, I call them boundary trespassers. They're going to step right over that boundary and come right at you again. So what do you do, you have to what I used to call up the ante, up your defense. You might say, “If you continue this way, I will have, have to cut myself off from you. I'll have to limit my time with you.” And you really don't even have to say that. What you can do is just limit your time with them. 

Now, I've got some unhealthy family members that I love very much but what I do is um, and I say this with love. You know, when you have family members, you can't always cut yourself off. Then you get into the unforgiveness thing and that's not good. But what you do is you, you can limit your exposure. I've learned over the years that I can take just about anything in short doses… or small doses. So, family members that, that I need to be around, I need to love, I'll just take them in small doses. But another– a lot of things you can do to set boundaries with unhealthy people, you can literally remove yourself as much as possible from them physically. You can stop taking the phone calls, you can stop hanging around them. 

So what I used to do is I would continue to hang around with a toxic person thinking that somehow I was going to be able to change them and that my loving, nice presence would change them in how, in how they treat me. But you see, I have a responsibility to my body, to my mind, my will, and my emotions not to allow myself to be abused. Jesus died on the cross for me, He gave His life for me. I'm valuable, you're valuable, and we have a responsibility to protect our emotions, to protect our feelings, to protect um, our spirit, to protect ourselves. And so not allowing yourself to be abused can take many shapes and forms. Now, if the person is a reasonably healthy person who's abusing you, you can tell them how you feel and they will stop. However, most unhealthy people -  telling them doesn't stop them. You know, they, they will continue. Then that's when you have to limit your exposure, remove yourself from them…and, and a tendency that, that I had so many times was whenever I was practicing this boundary, I used to feel like I needed to explain myself to them. I needed for them to understand that I'm going to limit my exposure to them because uh, they're unhealthy for me. And I'm thinking if I tell them I'm doing this, somehow that's going to change them. Well, that doesn't always work, however, it does change you because you can put yourself in a healthier environment. 

I've seen people in, in toxic unhealthy churches and they refuse to leave. Well, that's not good. They refuse to remove themselves from the unhealthy situation because, well, you know, it's where they go to church, it's where their friends are, all kinds of excuses. But if you love yourself and you appreciate the value of yourself and what Christ has done for you, you will do everything you can to protect your spirit, protect your emotions, protect your feelings. Now, it's not easy setting boundaries but again, a boundary is a limit and we have to set limits - we don't have to, I hope you will - it's healthy to set limits in your life. Limits. It's just like being out in the sun is okay but you need to limit it, all right? Uh, chocolate cake is good but you need to limit it - man that's tough - okay? Key lime pie especially. Ooh, let me tell you, mm, mm, mm. Anyway…ha ha ha. Actually, I've been very good. As I'm doing this show, I've lost over 52 pounds this year in 2024. You– I'm, I'm becoming a skinny version of me. I set a boundary with food is what I did. So a boundary also tells you what you're responsible for and what you're not responsible for. 

I used to think that I was– if– when people treated me bad, somehow that was my fault, I was responsible for their behavior. So I would do things to try to soothe them, and fix them, and actually control them because I didn't like the way they were affecting me, so I wanted to fix them and control them so they'd be nicer people so I wouldn't feel so bad around them; and ask me how well that worked. It didn't work at all. Please get it straight in your mind that you and you are not responsible and God does not hold you responsible for other people's words, for other people's thoughts, other people's actions. They are respon– other people are responsible, you're not. I used to believe that I was responsible for what other people thought of me. I'm not. That's their, that's their feeling. And I've learned over the years some people are going to love you and like you and, and get you and other people are not, no matter what you do. Sometimes the Holy Spirit in you is in conflict with the demons in them, that's a whole nother topic right there. But I want to make this clear. I am not responsible for another person's behavior, however, I am responsible according to the word of God to be Christ-like. My job is to be courteous, kind, forgiving, and Christ-like. If another person acts ugly toward me, that's their, that's their garbage, it's their mess. I am not taking ownership of it. And don't go into the lie, “Well, I deserve that.” No, you don't. Nobody deserves hateful words, nobody deserves uh, mean, critical sub-...demeaning, controlling, manipulating words. We do not deserve that. And I've been around a lot of that in my life. 

Also, uh, in setting boundaries, discerning of spirits is very important. You may have to set boundaries…there, there are a lot of demons out there and they work through Christians. Setting uh, boundaries means sometimes just applying the blood of Jesus Christ to your life and saying, “I rebuke these spirits, I rebuke this assault against me, in the name of Jesus Christ I will not accept this. I command this assignment, I command this spirit of witchcraft, I command the spirit of control to stop now in the name of Jesus Christ.” That is a boundary. A boundary protects, a boundary preserves, a boundary defines, a boundary is a healthy thing. So I can forgive a person and still not approve of what they did. I want to forgive and say in my spirit, “You know what, I'm forgiving them, what they did.” May go like this, the thinking in my brain: I don't like what they said, I don't like what they did, it really hurt me, it offended me. I have a commandment to– Lord, I forgive them, I turn it over to you. Now what I didn't do was go back and offend them and say ugly things to them because they said ugly things to me. I didn't go and criticize them because they criticized me, I didn't go and say something offensive to them because they said something offensive to me. What I did was I said I don't like what they said, I think it was wrong, I forgive them, I let it go. Lord, I'm not going to take– I'm not going to hit them back. I give them to you, I release them. And all of a sudden, I'm free. Who the Son sets free is free indeed. I'm free! And God's got them. That's not being a doormat, that's being, you know what, I'll let God take care of you. What you did was wrong, it hurt me, I'll let God handle you. Amen. I turn them over to God, that's forgiveness and boundaries. 

Again, do your best to protect your spirit. Protect your ears from what you hear, protect your eyes from what you see. We have a responsibility to have boundaries over our life and to enforce them. And again, some people do not respect your enforcement. Well, if that– then you have to enforce a little bit stronger. But I'm enforcing my boundaries not to change another person, but to protect me. Now, the good news is so many times by doing this and setting healthy boundaries for yourself, I've seen this countless times, that is there is a consequence. The other person sees a consequence for their behavior, and many times they will get convicted and make a change. 

Now, another thing - we talked about this in the last show - remember, God works through consequences so… we… another boundary is allowing people to experience the consequences of their behavior. And so many years it was like, “Well, you do the crime, I'll do the time.” I stopped doing that, let people experience natural consequence, and if it's their consequence for their behavior, do not rob them of their consequence. God works through consequence. Think about your own life, how many times has God allowed you to suffer a consequence and you learn something and you end up growing closer to God. If it's their responsibility, let them experience their responsibility and do not take it away from them. That's another essence of boundaries. 

So anyway, I hope this show has made some sense to you. You can forgive and not be a doormat, you just let them go. You're not taking vengeance, amen. Matter of fact, it, it is powerful. And I, I want to say this: I'm a very nice, compassionate– I have a gift of compassion, I, I really do, and I've been accused, “Oh, Dr. Self, you're too soft. People walk on you.” Again, that's a lie. If somebody trespasses on somebody who's nice, it's not the person who’s nice’s fault, it's the trespasser’s fault. That's a boundary, amen. Being nice is to– being nice to someone is not an excuse for them to abuse you. That's their fault, not your fault, does that make sense? Anyway, I hope this show has made sense to you. I'm kind of passionate about this topic. I guess you can tell, amen. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for each person listening to the show today. I pray, Father, these words even though it's tough, Father, will be a blessing to us. Lord, those that we need to forgive, Lord, help us to forgive them and learn how to forgive them the way you want us to forgive them and turn them over, Father, let go and turn them over, Father. And Lord, help us all to realize that we're not responsible for other people's behavior, that's their responsibility. We're not responsible for how they how they think of us, that's their responsibility. But Lord, we are responsible to be Christlike to the best of our ability and to live a Godly life with your help, with the Holy Spirit's help. So Father, help us to understand where we need to set boundaries and where we need to forgive. Holy Spirit, have your way. I thank you for each person listening to this show. I pray this show has been a blessing to them. In Jesus name, I pray, amen. Amen. Thank you, folks. I appreciate you listening to episode 173.

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Wow, it's hard to believe, 173 episodes. Thank you for listening today, I appreciate you very much. Again, I encourage you to go to the website for the show. Find that through icmcollege.org, icmcollege.org/selftalk. And if you can subscribe, rate, or review, that does help us a lot to, to get the word out. Also, share this with your friends. If you have any ideas for the show, email me at drrayself@gmail.com. D r r a y s e l f at gmail.com. I'm excited about my new book coming out, it's called The Call: The Lord's called to you, this is what you need to know. Um, it's going to, it's a beautiful book, professionally edited, I'm very excited about it. I am taking pre-orders now. If you pre-order the book, I will send you a signed copy. It is $15. I guess the best way to do that, if you'll go to icmcollege.org/donate and donate $15, maybe put a note in there, or when I see the $15 donation, be sure and put your address in there and I'll be happy to send you a signed copy of the book when it comes out. I appreciate you for listening to Self Talk. Again, we're sponsored by my college. Uh, you ment– I mentioned ICM a lot, that's International College of Ministry, that's the school that I founded some over 20 years ago, an online, accredited, Holy Spirit-filled seminary preparing people to be ministers of the gospel of Jesus Christ. Christian counselors, pastors, evangelists, whatever the Lord's called you to do. Uh, affordable scholarships available. Check it out, check it out. Fully accredited. Love you much, thank you so much again for listening to Selft Talk. I am Dr. Ray Self and God bless you.