Healthy Conflict

Hey, welcome to Self Talk again, this is your host, Dr. Ray Self. Today I want to talk about something a little more interesting and personal: conflict. Conflict is inevitable. We've all been through conflict with our spouse, with a friend, with an employee, with our children. The conflict is not necessarily bad if you handle it the right way, unfortunately, most people don't so I want to talk about how to handle conflict in a healthy manner so stay tuned. I hope this show blesses you. Don't forget to check out my website for this podcast, icmcollege.org/selftalk. There you can get all kinds of cool stuff. Anyway, you know the drill. God bless you and I think you're really going to like today's show.

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Hey folks. Conflict, that dirty word which nobody likes, although there might be a few people that like conflict. I don't like conflict, do you like conflict? I don't know, I don't like it. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for the show today. I thank you for each person listening to me. I pray Father, that you will anoint my words and give us the wisdom, Father, that we need to handle conflict when it comes. In Jesus name, amen.

So conflict is inevitable, it happens especially with people you're close to. Most people when you're around someone you feel safe with are actually more likely to fight. You ever notice husbands and wives fight? They have conflict but they don't have conflict with friends and uh, distant friends and church members and maybe their employees but they'll fight with each other. But conflict doesn't have to be bad, it just has to be managed correctly so I want to talk about four ways that people typically handle conflict and let's see what works out the best because I'll just give you a hint for ways that people handle conflict. Three of them yeah, I don't recommend at all but let's get into it.

Again, thank you for listening to Self Talk, I'm your host, me, Dr. Ray Self. You know, this show I want to tell you if you have a heart of compassion - and I do have a heart of compassion - people with the gift of compassion generally despise conflict and tend to try to avoid it at all costs. One of the reasons is when you have the gift of compassion, you're very concerned about not hurting people because you have compassion for them, therefore, you try to avoid conflict but sometimes that's not the best thing to do, okay? So here comes a conflict, there is an issue and there is some controversy. There are two sides to the coin, there's the A side, the B side… in other words, um, we're headed for a fight because there's an issue and somebody's been triggered, somebody's upset, somebody strongly disagrees, maybe somebody feels offended, maybe somebody feels rejected maybe somebody feels uh, blamed, maybe somebody feels put down - oh, the big one with guys is, maybe a guy, you're a guy and you feel, dun, dun, the big one, drum roll, disrespected. That's huge for guys, oh man, guys will fight when they feel disrespected, it's just a big thing I mean, we're wired don't disrespect the guy, amen? That's a big one for us so when people get into a conflict, things, it doesn't have to be negative although many times it turns out to be negative. And let me tell you three of the negative ways to handle conflict. Now I want to say something, right? I have, there, there's some benefits to conflict when it's handled correctly and one benefit I'll just throw out right now at the beginning is when conflict is handled correctly, it builds understanding and it can build respect and it can set a healthy boundary. So let's get into four typical ways that people handle conflict.

All right, method number one. There is an issue, it's creating a conflict, it's creating stress, so let's avoid it. Some people avoid conflict, they just put their head in the sand and just don't talk about it. Now, unfortunately, that's not healthy. First of all, the issue is not resolved and the person avoiding the conflict, he's feeling resentment, he's feeling stressed and he's also not being, or she, is not being honest with the person they're in conflict with. Feelings are being stopped, truth is not being spoken, but many people will just avoid it and then again, you got the myriad of problems. Uh, the, the biggest problem is the problem is still there. It doesn't go away and it keeps repeating itself. So avoidance is common because people don't like conflict, they procrastinate dealing with the issue. Uh, they get into denial dealing with that issue and therefore, they avoid it. There could be a lot of reasons people avoid, uh, fear, uh, fear of rejection, fear of retribution, fear of losing a relationship, all kinds of things. But again, the biggest problem with avoiding a conflict is the issue remains unresolved and is still there causing problems and resentments and bitterness and all kinds of stuff. So let me just say this, avoidance is normally not a good way to go, okay?

Number two. The second way people handle conflict is they appease. The appease may be called the ‘yes dear’ method, and that is in order not to have to deal with the conflict, people will give in and appease the person; just let them win, therefore, you don't have to fight, you don't have to go through the stress and the agony and the pain of an argument so it's just easier to appease the person, give them what they want instead of going to the conflict. The problem with this is again, it's not being honest. The issues are not being resolved and secondly, the person who is appeasing is disavowing their own feelings and emotions. Your feelings matter, your thoughts matter. What, what's going on inside of you counts with God, it should count for you. So appeasing is denying yourself, denying your truth, denying your own reality in order to avoid something by appeasing the other person. Then the other person gets this false sense of security thinking everything's okay in a relationship and actually it is not okay in the relationship. Things are not okay. It's just been appeased and so appease is a cover-up that makes things seem to be what they're not.

So avoiding a conflict causes all kinds of problems, appeasing in a conflict also creates problems and again, appeasing is not honest, it's not truthful and it doesn't resolve the issue; and it makes the person that you have appeased feel like oh, they've won the argument and everything's fine. Well, everything's not fine and the problem continues and sometimes with the first two methods, when the problem continues and continues and continues, eventually there is an explosion and the explosion is like a giant volcano erupting and then we got a overblown conflict that's way out of control. All right, that's two methods, uh, avoidance and appeasing.

Third method for handling conflict is fight to win. I am going to show you that I'm right and you're wrong. I'm going to prove myself to you, I'm going to prove my point to you, I'm going to demonstrate through uh, argument, because I'm like Perry Mason the attorney. I'm going to argue my side to make sure you understand that I'm correct and you're incorrect. Fight to win. As a matter of fact, a lot of people go into this fight to win. Now that just sounds like well, it's the truth, I know the truth, I'm right, therefore, I need to enforce my rightness. I'm right, therefore I will show you that I'm right with all my various arguments and justifications and methods and whatever it takes to win. There's a huge problem with fight to win people. The problem is nobody wants to be on the losing end, nobody wants to be the unright person and so the fight to win, although it seems so righteous because you're right and your point of view is right, but you're destroying a relationship. You, I've seen people are so adamant to prove their point that they will sacrifice a relationship just to be right. Nobody wants to be on the other side of the rightness, nobody wants to be the wrongness. And so fight to win says well, one person's above, the other person is beneath. The one person is correct, the other person is incorrect. The one person is justified, the other person is unjustified. The one person is superior, the other person is inferior. It creates all kinds of problems but your, your flesh goes, your mind goes: but you know, I'm right, I know I'm right, I need to show them how right I am and how wrong they are. Great, you may be right and you may prove them wrong. What's the cost of that? What have you done to this other person just to enforce your rightness?

Some people fight to win because they have low self-esteem. Their, their self-esteem is so low, they have to prove themselves continually. I've talked on other podcasts, that's called the spirit of illegitimacy. When a person does not feel legitimate about themselves on the inside, they try to legitimize themselves on the outside through various performance methods and one of the performance methods is fighting in a conflict; fighting to demonstrate that they are correct and the other person's incorrect. And it kills relationships. It destroys relationships. Very few times are you going to get into a fight to win situation and the other person is going to go okay, I see that you're right and I see that I'm wrong, I'm so sorry because you know, you have proven to me that I was incorrect in my thinking I humble myself to your superior intellect. You're not going to get that. What you're going to get is a separation in a relationship because you have proven yourself right and you have proven them wrong. You have fought to win the fight. Now as I'm saying this, this all sounds like a correct thing to do but, but you're thinking well Dr. Ray, if I'm right I need to show that am I right. But I'm right so I need to… I know what's best so I need to demonstrate, I need to, I need to argue, I need to convince them of my correctness; and then you do it and your relationship is shot.

Fight to win is actually devastating and I know that sounds weird because you're thinking but if a person is right shouldn't they prove that they're right? Well, there's a fourth way that's even better. There's a fourth way that's better and the fourth way is called find a godly resolution. You see, God has an answer to conflict and there is an answer to the problem that if you will stop, slow down, be led by the Holy Spirit, pray a little bit, you'll find an answer that you never thought of, okay?

I like to tell this story, you may have heard it on a previous podcast but my wife and I were just married and I was, she was driving me to the airport. I'll never forget this, we're going to the airport and we got into a knock down, drag out and I was very frustrated. And I got so frustrated and I said I'm not getting out of this car till we settle this right now; and man, we are arguing back and forth and I'm trying to show her where she's wrong and she's trying to show me where I'm wrong and it, I mean, she said you're going to miss your plane. I said I don't care if we miss a plane, we're going to settle this issue right now. Boy, my pride was raging, I mean, we are in a parking lot at the airport I'm almost late for a flight and we're arguing back and forth and all of a sudden, I heard the Holy Spirit say pray. Pray. My wife says we need to pray, and I'm thinking I don't want to pray because I'm trying to convince you how wrong you are; I don't want to pray. And then I felt that little nudge again, pray. And then I didn't want to pray because I was trying to, I was too busy trying to prove a point. But somehow I got convicted and my wife and I stopped and we started to pray. I don't remember how we prayed or what we prayed about but I do remember I'm sitting in the car at the airport and the presence of God came into this car. We prayed and we sought the Lord. The anointing came into the car, folks, at the airport. You could feel the presence of God in the car with us and after we prayed, we kind of got still. We could just feel his presence and then this, really, and this is true, this is so true, amazing thing happened. After we got still, took some deep breaths felt this presence, I looked at her and I said I don't remember what we were talking about. And she looked at me and she said I don't remember what we were talking about. And then we laughed and we literally forgot the argument.

It was like God said I'm going to solve this because my anointing breaks every yoke, amen? The anointing came in the car, I'm not even sure what the problem was but it was resolved and God won. You see, it may not be that way with you, that's, I know that's an unusual situation. But you see, when you have a conflict, God does have an answer. God's got a answer for every situation. God's got a answer for every problem. It's up to you to seek the Lord. Now listen, you may be absolutely correct and you know you have seen the truth, nothing but the truth so help you God. You know the truth and you got this urge that's really strong to convince your spouse or your friend or your boss how wrong they are. Don't do it, nobody wants to be that wrong person. But if you will stop and pray God, will give you an idea on how to solve the situation that's not going to sacrifice a relationship. Now I know sometimes you can't help it, I know there's always extreme, extreme situations, I get that, but I do know that God has an answer for every problem. There's never been an answer that God- never been a problem that God couldn't solve. He's not mystified by this.

The problem is we're so caught up because of, sometimes our low self-esteem, I have to show you that I'm right, I have to show you that I'm correct, I've got to be correct, I've got to be right because maybe my ego just can't handle not being proven, not being shown how smart I am or how correct I am. Put your ego aside, humble yourself, seek God, he will come up with a solution to this conflict that you never thought of. Remember in Isaiah he said my thoughts are not your thoughts, my ways are not your ways because my ways are higher than your way says the, thus says the Lord. God has an answer that you never thought of. There is an answer to the conflict that does not involve making the other person feel rejected, put down, shamed or condemned. There's an answer that's not going to cost you your relationship. I could have sat in that car in the airport and proven my wife wrong and I know in my heart I felt that I was right and I need to prove that she was wrong and I knew at any moment she was going to go Ray, I see your correctness, please forgive me for being wrong. What a fantasy! What a ridiculous fantasy! But when you seek the Lord in a conflict and you try to find his answer, you ask him for wisdom. 

The bible says in the book of James you ask him for wisdom, he'll give you wisdom. God has wisdom for the conflict, it's up to you to seek the godly resolution of the conflict and it will come. So four ways: you can avoid it, it's not going to resolve anything. Again, it's dishonest and you're avoiding yourself and you're, you're denying yourself. You're, you're mistreating yourself. You can appease which is a lie. You can appease the other person, you're lying to them and again, the problem is not solved. You can fight to win and win the argument and destroy their relationship, I don't think that's God's will, to win an argument and destroy a relationship. And then there's seeking God, finding his solution, his answer, and things are going to be much better than you ever dreamed of. Find The godly answer to the conflict. That's the solution that is managing conflict in a healthy way, you get it?

I hope you got it. God bless you. This is Dr. Ray Self, thank you so much for listening. I appreciate you. And Heavenly Father, for everyone listening to the show who is struggling right now with the conflict, I ask that your wisdom would fall upon them now. Give them an answer, give them the words to speak, the anointing, Father give them the wisdom, the anointing and the words, Father, to resolve this situation in a loving and godly way. Thank you, Heavenly Father, in Jesus' name. Amen. Thank you for listening, this is Dr. Ray Self.

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Hey, thanks again for listening to my show, Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. It really is an honor to do these weekly shows. I appreciate you very much. Hey, in the show notes I got several links which I think will bless you. Um, if you can help us with a donation to help us continue the show, that would be really nice. Thank you so much, icmcollege.org/donate. Check out our store, icmcollege.org/merch, m-e-r-c-h. Maybe it is time for you to get your college degree. Do you know that we can give you credit for your life experience, your ministry experience? Did you know you can finish a college degree online with International College of Ministry in less than a year? Did you know we're affordable and you can work on your own schedule? You've got a call to ministry, it's time to get equipped. We got degrees in ministry, theology, Christian counseling and even prophetic ministry. Anyway, I love you much, I thank you for listening to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. God bless you and I just pray God's blessing, God's anointing, and I pray that if you get into conflict, you will handle it in a healthy manner, seeking the godly resolution for it. Amen, and God bless you.