Her Needs, His Needs

Hey, welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. Just want to introduce this show to you a little bit. I'm talking about relationships in this show and primary needs of women and men. And we're going to talk a little bit about conflict resolution. Scripture gives us a lot of wisdom on what a man needs and what a woman needs if you understand how to interpret it. So this show… if you, if you're married or thinking about being married, this show could possibly save your marriage, restore your marriage, or make your marriage healthy. If you've ever been in a conflict, as a Christian you know that can be very, very difficult. But there are ways to resolve conflict in a Godly manner. Is conflict bad? Not necessarily. It can lead to a lot of positive things. This show is going to be fun, it's going to be exciting, and again, I thank you for listening. Don't forget to go to the website for the show, and the links to that site are in the show description, and I appreciate you very much for listening to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, and um, this show is recorded a few weeks before Christmas so have a blessed and merry Christmas. God bless you.

Okay, welcome to the show. This is Dr. Ray Self. First things first, let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for the technology. Thank you for each person listening to this show. And I pray, Father, that my words can be a blessing to them. I pray that your Holy Spirit would, would speak through me and touch the hearts, Father, of those who've downloaded this show; and we just give you praise and we do this for you, Father, in Jesus’ name. Amen. So if you're in a… if you're married or getting ready to get married, um, or maybe in a serious relationship, under understanding her needs and his needs as God made us and God designed us is very important for any relationship. The Bible in Ephesians, as Paul wrote about relationship in Ephesians, actually touches on this– or maybe more than touches on this very clearly. So let me read a few scriptures to you, but I want to talk about the primary needs that women need - that God created within women - and the primary needs that God created within men. So let's look at some scriptures before I get a little bit uh, deeper into this. 

So we'll go into the book of Ephesians, all right? And there's some very important scriptures. Um, for instance, in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,” So that's a very sacrificial love that we're called to do. You know, Christ loved the church and was, was willing to give His life for the church. That's, that is a very secure and important type of love. That's a type of love that you can trust, that's a type of love that you can lean on, that's a type of love that makes you feel safe. 

And so we go on down and uh, says “...husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies; for he who loves his wife also loves himself.” Okay. You know, that's an important part of love. Um, then at the end uh, verse… Ephesians 5:33, scripture says, “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” So I want to talk about this… um, these scriptures. Now it's interesting: in this chapter of Ephesians, it doesn't actually ever say for a wife to love her husband. It says for a wife to respect her husband. Now, it speaks a lot about “...husbands, love your wives” in, in verse 25, “Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church…” verse 28, “...husbands ought to love their wives…” okay? Um, verse 33, “...let each one of you in particular love his own wife as himself,” So clearly, men are commanded to love their wives. 

Now biblically, love is not a feeling. You know, it's sad that in our modern society, love has been reduced to an emotion. You know, “I'm in love. I feel love.” Well, scripturally love is never described as a feeling. It's described as a commandment and as an action. And I think the key word is action. “For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son.” God so loved us that He did something to demonstrate that love. So love is not just a feeling. Now, feelings can come with love but the problem with basing love on feelings is love can become a roller coaster. You're in love one day, you're out of love the next day. You feel it one day, the next day you don't, so love is up and down and all over the place. But when love is chosen and love is a… committed to, it's 100% all the time. So if love is more than a feeling, you know, what is it? It's action. It, it's kindness. It's courtesy. It's respect. It's, it's caring for one another. It's valuing one another. It is protecting one another. It's– it's acting out the actions of love. You know, the Bible describes um, love as being faithful. Love is– in Galatians, love is being– having perseverance. Love is longsuffering. Um, so love is important and love is an action and we have a commandment, especially as men, to love our wives. 

What is - and this is through studies and years of counseling - to me - and there, there… I think a lot of books that support this - the number one thing that studies have shown and, and I have studied over the years that women need is to feel safe and secure. Safe and secure. To feel protected, to feel um, that everything is okay in the world. So this is why when a man abuses a woman it is so detrimental to her - so horribly harmful to her - or a man cheats on a woman because that violates her, her sense of security to feel safe and protected and that, that everything is okay. For a woman to feel– for– when a woman feels that she can trust her husband, her husband's going to take care of her, her husband's going to protect her, it's a wonderful feeling, and it's a very important feeling for a woman, it’s actually a primary need of a woman. And you can see this in Ephesians where the Lord says continually, ”...love your wives as Christ loved the church and…” “...and gave Himself up for her.” Let me tell you something. When a woman feels that her husband is loving her so much that he would sacrifice himself for her, there’s some security in that. So to feel safe and secure is very important for a woman and when things violate that, it's very detrimental for a woman.

Now, unfortunately, some women put security– see security in things that maybe are not so healthy. I've known a number of women that look for security in money. In other words, um, money represents security, and having enough money or maybe an abundance of money represents security and that's just not going to work and, just, in the long run it doesn't work. Is it good to have money? Is it good to be quote, financially secure? Yeah, sure it is. But you got to remember God's your source, God's the provider. And so most women - and this is going to sound kind of harsh - who are putting their, their trust in money actually are never really feeling secure. But to have a husband or if they're, maybe a fiance, that can be trusted and valued and know that will always be there for her no matter what is very important for a woman to feel safe and secure.

Um, back to finances. Some women feel insecure with men who take too many risks. And you know, men, we're we're more of risk takers. We… you know, we'll, we'll work on a commission. I've worked jobs that were 100% commission. It's risky. If you, if you make a sale you have a paycheck. If you don't sell something, you don't have a paycheck. And for women, that's that's very difficult. For a man, it's it's not so much. We're more of uh, risk takers but women in general don't like the risky stuff. Now I know this sounds like - and please hear me. God values women and a woman is to be valued so much that a man should be willing to sacrifice his life for her, referring to wives. So to feel safe and secure is critical for a woman, but what about a man? Well, when you look at Ephesians, after we– the husband's called to love his wife, love his wife, love his, wife sacrifice his life, love his wife as himself, love his wife as Christ, and be willing to sacrifice himself for his wife. It says in, in verse, the, the last verse in chapter 5 of Ephesians says “Nevertheless, let each one of you in particular so love his own wife…” 

Now it, it… point this… let me point this out. In Ephesians 5, women are being lifted up. Women are being lifted up. Most of that scripture is about how men, men are to love their wives sacrificially, okay? The very last phrase in Ephesians 5:33, it says, “...let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Very interesting. Nowhere in that chapter does it say, “Wives, love your husband.” It only says, “...wives…” it says– say– there, there, there's one about submitting but um, “Therefore, as the church is subject to Christ, let the wives be to their own husbands…” But verse 33 says, “...see that the wife respects her husband.” “...let the wife respect her husband.” Respect is very important for men. Men crave respect. This is the way we're wired. Women are wired to, to be, you know, one of the primary needs of a woman is to feel safe and secure. One of the primary needs of a man is to feel respected. And those are very important in relationship. So in a relationship, in a marriage relationship, when the wife feels safe and secure and the husband feels respected, you've got a marriage made in heaven. And scripture is very clear and even in Galatians we're told to consider each other's needs even more than our own. So I need to, as a husband, consider the needs of my wife; to take care of her and make her feel safe and secure and that I– she can trust me and I will always be there for her. But men need to feel valued and respected. Now, you know, I'm 72 years old, as I'm recording this I've lived a lot of life and I will tell you this from experience: Whenever a man feels disrespected, they have extreme reactions. When a man feels disrespected, he is ready to fight. He is ready to… he, he can go into a rage, he– or he may go into depression; but that's one of the, the biggest triggers for men is to feel disrespected. When a man feels disrespected, a lot of bad things can happen so it's important for a wife to respect her husband. 

Now, here's something I want you to understand. You don't have to agree with your husband to respect him. It doesn't mean you go along with everything he says and everything he wants and all this kind of stuff, okay? What it means is that you value his opinion, you listen to him, you try to understand him. Now, that's also another big one for men, is men want to feel understood. I've often said this: when there's a conflict, the biggest thing for a man is to feel understood and when a man feels understood, it's not so important whether he wins the conflict or the argument as long as he feels like his, his point was understood. So women listening to me, if you can understand your husband and show respect for his opinion or his actions or his decisions, even if you don't agree with them, you'll have a happy husband. Now, respect doesn't mean you, you, you, you go along with everything he wants. It means you understand that his thoughts are valuable, his ideas are valuable, his needs are important. Same thing for the wife. Men, we need to understand that our wife's needs, her thoughts, her opinions matter. So in a conflict when we are considerate of each other's needs and value each other's opinions, we don't have to agree to have a healthy conflict. Conflict is inevitable in relationships - I want talk about that, you know, in just a moment - and can have some positive results.

So bottom line is: two big things that a woman generally - I know this is a generalization but I have found this to be true and you, you talk to most women in, in a marriage relationship, a woman wants to feel safe and secure. That's why affairs destroy women so much, um, and sometimes like, if a man loses his job, it really affects the woman more than it does the man because all of a sudden, she doesn't feel secure. But to– when a woman feels that she can trust her husband no matter what, he will always be there no matter what, and you know, she, you, you've got a, more or less a happy wife. Now there's other things that we need, obviously, I'm just talking about two real important needs. But a man needs to feel that his wife or husband needs to feel that his wife respects his opinion, honors him, and has a high value for him no matter what. So to feel respected and honored is critical for a man. To feel disrespected and dishonored is very destructive very, destructive for a man. For a woman, to feel unsafe, insecure, uh, with a relationship is very destructive for a woman. This is why physical and emotional, psychological abuse is so devastating. Um, when a man abuses a woman, not only do you have the hurtful words and maybe even hurtful actions, but you also have a violation of trust and a feeling of being completely unsafe. Very, very, very unsettling in so many different ways. Um, kind of in a very perverted way sometimes men will abuse when they feel disrespected which is absolutely zero excuse for it. But for a woman to respect a man, sometimes it's just to, to maybe make some comments like, “Hey, thank you for what you did. I know your work day was very hard.” Um, “I appreciate you. Uh, in other words, with your words, and with your actions, show your husband respect. And sometimes it may not be that you know, he deserves it. But if we know that love is unconditional, and we're called to love our wives unconditional, this scripture in Ephesians 33 where it says, wives, respect your husbands, that is unconditional. 

Now sadly, what happens with so many people is they think that respect must be earned and so respect has conditions and rules associated with it that is false. That's unscriptural. It's just like loving. You know, I will only love you if, if you do this or I only love you because of something. Well, that's not unconditional love. So the bottom line is– for a man is to give unconditional love in a in a marriage relationship and a woman is called to give unconditional respect but this unconditional love from the man gives security and makes the woman feel secure and safe. And the unconditional respect makes the man feel good inside. And when unconditional love and unconditional respect is going back and forth, you have a very– normally a very healthy, happy marriage. 

So if a woman feels she cannot trust her husband, or unsafe with her husband, or a man feels disrespected, unfortunately, many times that's going to end up tragically. Possibly even in divorce. So how does this play out in conflict? Let me just say this. Generally, when there is a conflict, um, there are four ways that people do conflict and some people avoid it which doesn't resolve anything, right? Some people appease, and that means yes, dear, whatever you want. Well, appeasement doesn't really resolve the problem and actually is kind of a lie. And then you have the people who want to fight to win. I'm going to prove to you that you are wrong and I am right, which is the most destructive thing you can do in an argument. And immediately, you want to say, “Well, yeah, but I'm right. I got to show that I'm right.” Well, you can show that you're right, you can prove that you're right, you destroy a relationship. So proving that you're right and the other person is wrong is never going to help a relationship. And immediately, your flesh starts to go, “But what if I am right? And what if they're wrong?” Well, so be it. Fantastic. But you see, remember, respect and love must play out in conflict. So what do you do instead of trying to prove the other person wrong? What you do is you look for a resolution to the problem that is respectful and loving. A respectful and loving solution. You know, I may– my beautiful wife Christie, I may feel that she's wrong about something and I'm right and my temptation is I'm going to prove to her I'm– will show her uh, biblically how she's wrong. Well, ask how effective that is. How much that affects my marriage. 

So what we can do is we can listen to the other person very carefully. Maybe even repeat what you hear them say - that's called mirroring. And value; and, and let them understand. You– I hear you. I understand you, I… okay, I see your point. That's very interesting. Okay, I, I, I get that, I get that. Now, will you mind if I share my perspective? Now this is my perspective right here. So what are we going to do? How are we going to resolve this? Hey, Honey, why don't we pray a moment? Let's see what we can do here because I love you and I understand… I understand where you're coming from. I hope you understand where I'm coming from. God, what would you have us do here? Lord, we submit this to you. Lord, we give this to you. And you'll be amazed how many conflicts can be resolved in a Godly and loving way. Uh, it… conflicts are inevitable and many times conflict actually leads to a healthy marriage because problems get resolved and respect can, can grow in the middle of conflict.

So the bottom line for today's show is, one of the primary needs of a woman is to feel safe and secure and that she can trust her husband. No matter what, he's always going to be there for her, taking care of her. And I'm not saying that she's less than him, she's not. I'm just talking about a primary need. And for men, to feel that their wife respects them and understands them. When those two primary needs are met, generally you have a healthy relationship, a healthy relationship. And that, and a healthy relationship honors God. So think about these things, um… you– be sure, uh, if you have any questions, email me. drrayself@gmail.com. D-r-r-a-y-s-e-l-f  @gmail.com. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for each person listening to the show, Father. I pray for those that are feeling um, unsafe and disrespected. Holy Spirit, intervene. Give us your wisdom. Touch those, Father, restore those marriages. Restore those relationships, Father. Give us wisdom on how to restore and reconcile the way you have called us to do. I thank you, Father. I thank you for your anointing. I thank you for your son, Jesus. I thank you for all you've given us and who you are. In Jesus’ name, I pray. Amen and amen. 

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Thanks again for listening to today's show, Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. Be sure and share this if you would and tell your friends about it. I want to reach as many people as possible, obviously, and I, I just want to help people. I pray this show has been a blessing to you. Got a lot of cool links in the show description here. One thing I do want to mention, as you know, this show is sponsored by the International College of Ministry, a Holy Spirit-filled online seminary accredited seminary. If you've ever thought about getting your college degree, I have a special for you. If you enroll now, between now and the end of December 2023, I will give you a $350 free tuition grant. That is $350 off of your tuition. Now, we're not expensive to begin with. We even have hardship scholarships for those who are suffering, you know, financial hardships. But this is a $350 grant um, for everybody. For all new enrollments… um, you… just appreciate you very much and that's just something we're doing - an annual Christmas special. Uh, be sure and go to the podcast website at icmcollege.org/selfttalk. Or our, our Buzz Sprout website and you can subscribe, review - a review really helps us uh, a lot - and so help me spread the news, you know, help me spread the news. That's all I'm asking you to do and I just proclaim blessings over you and favor over you and I thank, thank you once again for listening to Self Talk. This is Dr. Ray Self and if you're listening to this before Christmas, Merry Christmas. God bless you.