How to Break Destructive Life Patterns

Hey, welcome to my show. It’s hard to believe this is my 188th episode of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. I appreciate everyone who listens to the show. I hope this show is a blessing to you and maybe I can teach you things and discuss things that will help and enhance your life all for the glory of our Savior Jesus Christ. Thank you for listening, don't forget to check out the website for the show, icmcollege.org/selftalk. Also, check out International College of Ministry, we're enrolling 24 hours a day. You know, if you want an associates, bachelor's, master’s or doctorate in counseling, theology, ministry, prophetic ministry or uh, a degree in praise and worship, all that is available for you online and we are accredited and recognized by the Florida, uh, Department of Education. So, it's a cool program. If you got a call a God on your life, um, you know, let's do it. We're affordable, easy to work with, just go to icmcollege.org. I appreciate you listening today. God bless you.

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Okay, here we go, Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for the time together. I thank you for this technology, I thank you for  everyone listening to the show. I pray, Holy Spirit, that you will touch our hearts and touch my mouth and let us hear and receive what you have for us today in the name of Jesus Christ, Lord, we give you praise and honor. Amen and amen. Amen. Thank you for being a part of the show today, I just appreciate you so much. I'm kind of laughing a little bit, I just uh, heard something that tickled me. Somebody was online and said, “Well, a book fell off my–” uh, “a book fell and hit my head. I only have myshelf to blame.” That's pretty corny but doesn't hurt to be corny a little bit, amen. What do you call a cow who plays guitar? A moosician. That's enough corniness, I just thought I'd do something different, amen. I like that my wife says I'm ridiculous, especially in the mornings before coffee, but I got a serious topic today. And today I want to talk about destructive patterns. 

You know, I talk a lot about schemes but maybe patterns will make more sense to you. Why is it in so many people's lives that I’ve, I've counseled and ministered to, I see– and they experience destructive patterns that happen over and over and over again. For instance, let me tell you a story about um, a couple I know, I won't won't mention their name. But this couple over the years, I've known them for a long time, and they end up kind of bouncing from church to church…And, it seems like the pattern is every church they go to, they end up thinking or believing they're rejected. And then they, they leave. And they go to another church and things start off really well and everything is fine and dandy and, you know, everything's going great. Next thing you know, they're rejected again. And after a while in many years of observing this, I think, yeah, there's something wrong with this picture. I mean, do they have a sign on their back that says “hey, here we are, please reject us,” or what's going on? 

Well, there's three potential reasons for this. Number one, it is a scheme of the enemy who really is trying to reject them wherever they go. Number two, it is their wounded flesh, their wounded self, who is being triggered or filtering a lot of things that are happening through filters that are created by, by wounds of the past, okay? And low self-esteem can also cause that. Let me tell you what I think it– is happening. I think so many times it is not happening…it's not– what's going on, it's not just bad luck or a series of bad churches, but it is our wounded self that is filtering things and hearing things that are not intended or not being said. Or it could be a demonic scheme of the enemy and sometimes it's a combination between our wounded self and schemes of the enemy. I hope this make– makes sense to you. 

And the reason I say that, and I'm using this couple as an example, it happened– I was, I was a pastor and it happened at my church and they left my church and said that they were rejected by a guest speaker. Well, I was there and I was an eyewitness to what happened and what the guest speaker, the guest speaker said and did and there was no rejection at all. So I realized that they were feeling rejected, which is valid, they were hearing rejection which is truth for them, but reality was they were not rejected. So what's going on here? Well, they're filtering. Now, a filter is just like a…it, it is a…a…A filter is something that goes over your ear and it, it's a, it's a psychological effect that changes what's being said and what's being heard, okay? And those filters - and a lot of people have these filters - are caused by trauma, uh, anxiety, past crisis, low self-esteem, a lot of different things can put these filters. Then here comes the demons which I think demons, primarily thing, primary thing that demons do is magnify problems that are already, already there. They're magnifiers. 

So here's the demon who knows that this couple is vulnerable to the Spirit of Rejection or, or likely to hear rejection, and he's going to twist things a little bit to make sure that this happens. There is another spirit that's called– and I call it the Spirit of Leviathan which is a twisting spirit, and what demons love to do is they love to twist things that are said, so they're heard completely differently and most Christians have experienced this, it’s where you're, you're talking to someone - it could be someone you love - and you're having a normal conversation and next thing you know, what you're said has been misconstrued and is heard completely differently. And it's, it's, it's kind of crazy and it's very frustrating and you realize that your words are being twisted. So either things are being twisted with what's being heard, or there could be a filter that is filtering what is being spoken so what is being heard is being twisted, if that makes sense. So destructive patterns– I, I've seen patterns over the years and guys, as I make this recording, I'm 73 years old, I've been a Christian for 63 years, I'm not claiming to be anything super, super special, but I do have a little of experience, that, I do have experience. And I've seen a lot and I have experienced a lot. 

I've seen people with destructive patterns that seems like poverty follows them their entire life. No matter what they do, where they go, whatever they have, poverty. I've seen people with the, um, relationship issues. No matter what they do, they're going to fail at a relationship. I've seen people with health issues. No matter what they do, there's always going to be sick, there's always going to be uh, an infirmity or disease or a plague or something affecting them all the time. It's destructive. Um, people with relationship issues. No matter what happens, no matter what goes on, it’s like the relationship always fails. All these things are very, very frustrating. And so, the, the problem is breaking out of these destructive patterns. And maybe I should say, how do we break out of these destructive patterns? It's obviously not a problem but it can be a challenge to break out of these destructive patterns. The first thing you need to recognize is something's wrong, there is a pattern here that is not normal and should not be accepted, okay? That's number one, that, that's, that's reality, that's coming out of denial. 

So we, we get to the point where we're saying, “You know what? These things always happen to me, I'm so tired of these things happening to me, why is it this always happens to me?” to looking at causes. And then, so we do. And then you have to look at our part. Is there something I need to repent of? Is there some type of stronghold in our mind that is causing us to feel this or experience this all the time? And, that's so many things that, that we can look at? These destructive patterns, number one, have to be recognized. Number two, we look at our part and maybe there's something we need to confess and repent of, and that's very powerful because when you confess and you repent, you shut the door on the enemy. When we confess and repent and ask forgiveness from God, Satan has no more legal access to us. However, if we have unrepentant sin in our lives, unrepentant things that are ungodly in our lives, it can be - not all the time - but it can be an open door for demonic activity and that could be a reason for um, these repeated patterns. 

Now, another big reason for these patterns is what I have talked about is called unfinished business. You say, “Well, what is unfinished business?” Well, unfinished business is something that you lacked in your childhood that you wanted and needed desperately. Maybe it was nurturing, maybe it was a, a particular uh, type of provision or a particular type of– something that you needed from your parents that you were not getting. And, see, every child has needs that, that they need, they need to be nourished, they need to be taught, we need to be provided for. And so, what happens is when there's something lacking in our childhood, there is an internal need for this that was never met. So, we grow, we become adults, the need doesn't go away, there's still some unfinished business from our childhood and voila, we end up being attracted to the same situations and the same type of people that actually reflect and have the same type of dynamics as we experienced growing up so we can finish the business. I’ll give you a classic example of it. Let's say Daddy was an alcoholic. And Daddy was never there, uh, Daddy was always emotionally unavailable growing up as a child. You could not get what you needed because he, he was numbed out on alcohol. So there's a void there, something that you need. Uh, a job. You had a job as a child. You wanted to get something, you, you tried to get something from your dad that you couldn't ever get so you grow up and you have this unmet need within you. All of a sudden, you're in college or maybe you're a young professional, and you meet someone and there's an attraction to this person. And it's uh– just uh, something about them, there's some chemistry there. Then you end up marrying the person only to find out they're an alcoholic and they're not there for you and they are emotionally unavailable. 

And you see, what happened was this unmet need attracted you to someone with the exact same issues as your father, even though you didn't realize this. And the reason I'm using this principle, unfinished business, is this also can explain why destructive patterns, um, repeat themselves. And you know what, like, I'll give you another a story. Um, I, I knew a lady whose father continually abandoned her. He was military and uh, he did not like to say goodbyes. And so he was career military and anytime he got deployed or was called out on assignment, he would leave in the middle of the night without saying goodbye…now, because he did not like goodbyes. So, the little girl would wake up, uh, go to sleep, her daddy was there, wake up, her daddy was gone. So, this feeling of abandonment. And so, she had a need not to feel abandoned, did not want to feel abandoned. So, she grows up, you know, matures, goes to college, she meets a guy, she's attracted to him, she's drawn to him, doesn't even know why, there's a chemistry there. She marries the guy, guess what he does? He abandons her. She has this unfinished need, this unfinished business that draws her to him, and she tries and tries and tries to fill the need with this first husband who abandons her just like her father did, so she divorces. She marries again. Guess what? The next husband abandons her. This went on four times. Four times, four marriages. And eventually, you know, eventually uh, through prayer and the Holy Spirit, she comes out of it completely. She's very aware, very healed and and matter of fact, she could teach this better than I could.

So destructive patterns can be caused by filters, they can be caused by unfinished business, they can be caused…be caused by demonic schemes. And there's so many things that are– I, I know people that are continually sick. Every time you turn around they're sick. And it's almost like the sickness has become their identity, “I'm a sick person, I'm a person who's always sick.” Well, this is not God's plan, this is not God's will. And you think…after a while you think, “There's something not right here. What– what's going on here?” There's a destructive pattern. Now sometimes what happens with destructive patterns - I know I'm giving you a lot today, so bear with me. Sometimes what happens is the destructive pattern becomes so ingrained it becomes part of our identity. Then we begin to identify with this. Um, I, I, I knew, I knew a lady growing up who was extremely talented. Um, uh…gifted, a photographer, gifted, uh, believe it or not, she was– she could work on cars, she was gifted in construction, she was a gifted bookkeeper. Very talented, talented lady. But every time turned around, she was living in absolute, terrible poverty. And when you talk to her, she would always jokingly say, “Yeah, I'm just a poor woman, I'm just a poor woman,” and I realized that this destructive pattern of poverty had become her identity. She had changed her identity into a poor woman, therefore, this became who she was and affected how she lived. So no matter what she did, she was going to end up in poverty, okay? 

Some people identify with disease, “I'm–I've always been sick, I always will be sick, this is who I am,” they identify with that. So another reason for destructive patterns is they become part of our identity. “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he,” the Book of Proverbs says. So we begin to think in our heart, “this is who I am,” and we live it out. So there's a number of things that can cause these destructive patterns, but it's critical, I mean, not, not only for your health but for your family, for your friends, for your community, um, for God…to, to recognize this…recognize– you know, this is a destructive pattern, this is not God's will. Am I filtering? Have– do I have filters over my ears that causes me to hear and perceive things that are not the truth? And now you– remember, now, your feelings are real and your perceptions are real but you could have a filter that's causing you to perceive things and feel things that are not the truth. And then when you perceive it and you feel it, you act upon it. Or, maybe it's unfinished business, maybe it's unfinished business…you know, from your past, and you keep repeating the same pattern trying to, to finish the business that you could not complete with your parents or your family as a child. Maybe it's an identity issue, “this is how I identify, this has become who I am,” that's a big one. “This is who I am, I'm, I'm poor, I'm diseased, uh, I'm rejected, I'm betrayed,” uh, “I'm never accepted,” blah, blah, blah. When it becomes our identity, it manifests into our life. Our identity is we're joint heirs with Jesus Christ, members of the royal priesthood, children of God and and none of this stuff belongs to us because Jesus took it all to the cross. 

And so…whatever the cause is, recognizing the cause, repenting of anything we've done to cooperate with the cause because sometimes– you can blame it all on the devil but sometimes our flesh…we cooperate with the devil. Repent of our part, ask God to forgive us. You can even say, “Holy Spirit, reveal to me why these destructive things are happening, what it is you want me to do.” So then we repent, we renounce this assignment against us, we tell God we refuse to accept this anymore. “Lord remove the– heal me and remove the filters off of my life. Lord, forgive me for wanting to finish the business of my childhood with other adults. Lord, forgive me, I repent of that, I will no longer do that again. Who the Son sets free is free indeed.” It's really important and it's not that difficult, but…well, I, I…let me say, it is a challenge, it is a challenge, but these are some of the reasons that people live and experience destructive patterns so much in their life: unfinished business, identity issues, filters, schemes of the enemy, and we've got to come to the point where we stop agreeing with the enemy.

You know, I've told you my testimony but for years I struggled with the feeling that I did not matter to anyone. I was not an important person, I was not a valuable person and I began to agree with that. So the enemy had put these thoughts in my mind and I was agreeing with that. And so I fought that for years and I had to repent of ever agreeing with that and start realizing who I am in Christ. So, repent, ask God to heal you, turn, go the other direction, you do not have to to live with destructive patterns in your life, you do not. It is possible to be free. I hope this time together has helped you some, I know this was some heavy stuff. Let's pray, Heavenly Father, I thank you that who the Son sets free is free indeed. I thank you for everyone listening to this show, Father, that they can be free from any destructive patterns. Lord, by the Holy Spirit, show us anything we need to know that has caused– that our part that we need to repent of and ask forgiveness for. And Lord, we claim the blood of Jesus over our lives. And Father, we refuse to accept these filters over our ears. We thank you, Father, that we can hear the truth and we can know the truth, we do not have to filter. Lord, forgive us for um, uh, having unfinished business and trying to complete our childhood with other adults, Father. Lord, we, we ask forgiveness for that. Lord, forgive us for taking on identities that are not you, false identities. We give you praise and honor, Father. I thank you, Holy Spirit, for touching everyone listening to the show. Heal them now, Father. No more destructive patterns. In the name of Jesus Christ I pray. Amen and amen.

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Well, that does it. We just completed episode 188. That was a heavy show, it really was, so thank you for listening and uh, I pray it's been a blessing to you. If you have any questions or a way I can help you, don't forget to email me. drrayself@gmail.com. D r r a y s e l f @gmail.com, be glad to help you. Don't forget to check out my new book, it's called The Call: God called, you answered, this is what you need to know. It's a cool book, I worked really hard on it, it took me several years to write it. Uh, it's all about the ministry and what you need to know if you got to call to the ministry. Covers a lot of area, it's a very, very important book and it's available on Amazon. Or, if you want a signed copy of that, if you make a $15 donation or more I will send you a signed copy. Uh, you can uh, Venmo me you can uh, Cash App me, uh, you know, PayPal donation, lots of ways to do it. If you have a question about that, just email me at drrayself@gmail.com. Thanks again for listening to the show, uh, it's, it's an honor and it's a privilege. I pray this show has been a blessing to you. Don't forget to share it with people. Let's get some more downloads, let's get, let's get the message out, okay? God bless you.