How to Resolve a Conflict

Narrator: Welcome to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, the place where you can get real answers to tough questions. Jesus promised you abundant life but poor choices and dark forces stand in your way. It is time to learn how to overcome the obstacles that keep you out of your promised land. Knowledge of God will pave the path for you to walk in his blessing.

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Dr. Ray: Hello and welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. This show is proudly sponsored by the International College of Ministry, a Holy Spirit-filled, online, working on your own schedule seminary, now enrolling at www.icmcollege.org. Love that school; I founded it, I guess I ought to love it and also, another sponsor who’s a dear friend of mine, Dr. Jess Youngblood who runs Premier Family Care in Arab, Alabama; also in Guntersville, Alabama, and Blountsville, Alabama. If you're in the North Alabama area, he is an amazing Christian doctor; Dr. Jess Youngblood, Premier Family Care. So I wanted to talk to you today about a very important topic, it's about conflict and what do you do, how do you resolve it? I don't like conflict, I'm a compassionate person, I hate conflict but conflict comes and there is a way to take care of it and there is a way to resolve it. The Bible tells us in Ephesians to be angry and sin not. Do not let the sun go down on your anger. So God, obviously knows that we're going to get angry but we are not to sin in our anger. You know, anger can cause us to sin. One thing that I teach as I'm counseling many people is we must learn how to respond instead of react. A reaction is, happens quickly. Usually, it comes out of emotion, and that's where we get foot and mouth disease, say things we did not mean to say, things we wish we had not said, where a response usually takes a little thought, a little consideration, comes a little slower, generally is much wiser, much more productive.

So if you're listening to me and you're in a difficult situation, avoid reacting and start thinking about what you're saying before you say it; therefore, you will respond with wisdom if you avoid reacting with your emotions. But that's actually not what I'm talking about today, I'm talking about conflict. What is interesting to me is there are four typical ways that people try to resolve conflict. That conflict could be minor or major. It can be something insignificant as are we going to have Mexican or we're going to have Italian tonight, or conflict can be major, you know, something very critical to the family or to your marriage or to a relationship. So conflicts take many shapes and forms but they do happen and they need to be resolved. So, there are four ways that people typically approach conflicts and I'm going to go through these ways and I guess I'm going to be a, give you a spoiler alert here, spoiler alert: three of the four ways are not healthy, all right? That's all I'm going to say about that. Let's get into it and you'll see what I'm talking about.

Let's have a little word of prayer. Heavenly Father, I thank you for tonight. I thank you for each person listening, downloading this podcast. I ask you to bless them Father, be with them, Father. Give them the wisdom that they need, Father. Lord, help us when conflict comes, to even in the midst of conflict to respond with your wisdom and your love and your words, Father, not our flesh, Father. In Jesus' name. Amen.

So in conflict comes, let's talk about method number one because some people… method number one in a method that people, many people handle conflict and that is absolute avoidance. Avoidance. In other words, I'm going to duck and run. There's a conflict, I don't like conflict, therefore I'm just going to avoid it, change the subject, get out of the room, go to another location, hang up the phone; whatever it takes, I'm going to avoid it because I do not like it. Well, what's wrong with avoiding conflict? Well, that is actually, there's a multiple, we have multiple things, many things that are wrong with avoiding conflict. Number one, you're not being honest; number two, the problem doesn't go away at all; and number three, you may be passive-aggressive and sending a passive-aggressive message to the other person and causing more harm than good.

Passive aggressiveness is when we do something passively which actually has an aggressive message to it. So avoidance is, some people are avoiders, and maybe you're listening to me right now you say, “Yeah, I'm an avoider. I duck and run, I escape, I get away from it no matter what it takes.” Well, here again, the problem is still there. We've avoided it, we've stepped over it, our carpet has become- we swept it under the carpet but our carpets become very lumpy because we've been avoiding so many problems that we could hardly walk through the room now because the problems are still there. Uh, it's a, it's a form of procrastination, it's a form of avoidance, it could be a form of denial. You may be an avoider and I understand that and I, I get that because you hate it, you hate conflict so you want to avoid it. But honestly, it's not healthy. It allows the problem to fester. You're not being honest, nothing's being resolved. All right, avoiding. I think you, I think even you know avoiding is not going, not going to handle the issue. 

So the second type of people are the appeasers; and these people are, if you're a guy, I call you the “yes, dear people”. A conflict comes up and so you're kind of like the avoider, you hate conflict, you don't want to deal with a conflict so what do you do? You simply appease. You just give in. You give in, you say okay. You know, let’s say for instance that you're really, really craving some good Mexican food, your wife wants to have Italian, you really do not want to have Italian, uh, but you just say “Okay dear, we'll do Italian,” but you're not really- there really was a small conflict there. You wanted Mexican, she wanted Italian, but what did you do? You just appeased her. Now that doesn't sell as the crime of the century, it's not, but you really weren't completely honest either. But you said oh, I'll just be uh, loving and giving. Well, yeah, but you really weren’t completely honest with what you wanted, what you were feeling.

So the appeasers, and it could be something serious, the appeasers many times will do things they do not want to do. They will agree with something they really don't agree with in order to keep the peace no matter what. So it's peace with a price but the price is not a good price. It's a, again, it's not being honest with yourself, it's not being honest to the person you're in conflict with. You're simply agreeing when you do not agree to avoid the conflict. 

So the conflict is still there, you have turmoil, you're not happy inside, you don't really feel good about yourself, your self-esteem is not really high at this point. You feel, you know, inside you're you're saying yes dear or you're saying yes to your friend, well you did not really want to do it so you're being dishonest with your friend, dishonest with your spouse. You're also being untrue to yourself and you get into self-condemnation with that. You know, secretly you begin to in a way hate yourself for it. So appeasing and just giving in also is actually unhealthy. Again, the problem's not really solved, it's just simply um, giving into things you do not want to give into. Now again, this can be minor about what kind of food we have or it could be something major about getting married, not getting married, uh, what church we go to, you know, what's- it could be big medical decisions, it could be all kinds of stuff that are very, very important. So appeasing, again, is tempting because it's easy; it's easy, okay? You know, avoiding and appeasing are both very easy and very tempting and I'm not condemning you for it but they're both unhealthy. In both these scenarios, the problem is still there, nothing's resolved and you have not been honest with yourself and you actually have not been honest with the person you're in conflict with. Think about that.

So the third and the most destructive method people use to resolve conflict is fight to win. Yes, I said that fight to win. What is fight to win? Fight to win is “I'm right and you’re not and I will show you how right I am and I will prove to you how wrong you are. My rightness is going to trump your wrongness. I'll give you every right to be wrong. I'm going to show you that I am superior in my thinking, I am wiser, I am smarter, I have a better idea, I have a better solution. You need to be quiet and listen, just listen to me right now.” This is all the fight to win people. What is the message of fight to win? I’m right, you're wrong. Well, let me- think about this in a relationship. Who wants to be the wrong person? How many of you listening to me right now go, “Gee, I love it when somebody proves to me that I'm wrong and forces their rightness on me”? The fight to win is the most destructive thing people can do, well let me put it this way: one of the most destructive things people could do to a relationship is the fight to win. 

Why do people fight to win? Many people fight to win because of insecurity. They have to be right because their self-esteem cannot handle compromise or even to be maybe proven wrong; they just cannot handle it. See, when a person is secure in themselves and secure in the Lord, there's no need to prove yourself. You have no need to prove that you're correct, other people are incorrect. The problem with fight to win is it seems holy, it seems righteous because it's right. So I may be talking to my wife, maybe we're having a little conflict and I know that I'm right and I know that she's incorrect; I know she's wrong. And so, I'm going to prove to her that she's wrong. And what am I doing with this? How much love do you think I'm going to get from my wife, how, how well do you think my wife is going to feel? What do you think she's going to feel after I have proven her wrong? I've actually, have hurt my wife. I have, I have hurt her; I wounded her because I'm right. 

And the problem with the, the fight to win people is the thinking kind of goes like this: I know I'm right, it's the truth, uh, right; therefore, I have every right to convince the other person of my rightness because it is right. But see, that's wrong. Yes, I said it's wrong. How could it be wrong to be right? Because you're sacrificing a relationship, you're willing to sacrifice a relationship to prove your correctness. That's not God. We're not- we don't sacrifice- you can do it but I highly advise you not to do it, do not sacrifice a relationship simply because your self-esteem is so fragile that you have to prove your superiority, your correctness, and your wisdom. Now, that sounds harsh but fight to win is very, very prevalent. 

Now again, you're kind of thinking well this sounds kind of crazy, what's wrong with being right? I'll tell you what's wrong with being right: you can be right and lose a relationship. Your correctness, your rightness, your intellectual superiority is not worth a relationship. Now I'm not saying “Well, Dr. Self you're saying that I just should appease or uh, I should appease or avoid.” No, I'm not saying that because there's a fourth way to resolve conflict that we haven't got into yet. But the fight to win, I, I almost sound a little angry with this because the fight to win people just- they go around with a sword, they're constantly stabbing people with it, they're constantly stabbing people with their rightness and it's very frustrating to me. In other words, the, the fight to win people or the message is “I am correct and you are broken. I'm not broken, you are broken. I'm gonna fix your brokenness with my unbrokeness.” So in a way, instantly when we do the fight to be right we instantly are disrespecting the other person and we are rejecting them. I know this sounds harsh, bear with me, I'll give you a solution to all this. Fight to win people automatically are sending a message of disrespect, they're sending a message, typically they say the message of disrespect. And they're hurting and disavowing the other person completely. They're rejecting them with their rightness. Let me say it again, the fight to win people are rejecting the other person with their rightness.

Now you might say, “Well, but, but, but if I'm right, I've got to convince them. But I'm right.” Well, possibly, but that's not the solution. Now, let's go back to the three methods I've covered so far. The three methods I've covered so far, in conflict, there's a conflict, it needs to be resolved. You can avoid it, that’s not, that doesn't do anything. That's a dishonest procrastinating way of just letting things fester. You can appease; again, that's dishonesty. You can appease and inside you hate yourself and inside you're very frustrated with yourself. You can fight to win. “I want to prove that I’m right and prove that you're wrong. I'll prove my theology is better than yours, I will show you where you're wrong and I'm right. I will show you that you're the wrong person and I'm the right person. I'm going to show you that I'm above and you're beneath. I'm going to show you that I'm the head and you're the tail.” You see the message of the fight to win people? And people do that- actually, if they sound very confident, very bold; but actually they're insecure, they're insecure. They wouldn't have to prove their correctness. I know people, literally, I've met people in my life -I've been around 70 years- I've met people in my life that literally cannot stand to be incorrect. Their ego cannot handle it, they can't even apologize. I've known people for years that have never said I'm sorry or I made a mistake. I don't get that, as Christians. The Bible says confess our thoughts to one to another and pray that we may hea- may be healed. I'm wrong all the time, I'm constantly confessing my wrongness. If I make a mistake I want to hold up to it, that's being a man, that's being a Christian.

So we have the three methods; we have appease, okay, we have avoid but you're hesitant to say it, we have “I’m going to prove that I’m correct and prove you're incorrect.” So what's the answer you might say, Dr. Self? What's the answer? The answer is find a Godly resolution and let me tell you how this works. Now, I mean, I'm in a conflict and I know I'm correct, okay? And I know the other person's incorrect but instead of proving my correctness and proving their incorrectness, the healthy way to resolve it is this: I will show respect to the other person's opinion because what other people think, what other people feel, matters. The other person's opinion, his emotions, his thoughts, they belong to him not to me; that's boundaries 101. But also they're important, they are important. This is a child of God, a man or woman of God, and they are important. And so they are valuable and what they think is valuable, and it's worthy of consideration even if I do not agree with it. But I can respect them. Hear the key word, I can love them enough to value and respect and honor their opinion that I totally disagree with, okay? But, when another person is hurt and knows that they're respected and knows that they are considered and understood, you have an open door to get your opinion in, in a loving manner. 

So what are we, are supposed to do when we have a conflict? Here's the key word here, find a Godly resolution, that's wisdom, that's wisdom. What's the resolution? Let me do something really simple, but the principle is not that simple. The principle is my wife wants to eat Italian, and boy she actually does love Italian, oh man oh man; I want to have a fajita, okay? And so we got a conflict here, I'm really craving a fajita, she’s really wanting some chicken parmesan. So what do we do? I talk to her, her name is Christie, I say, Christie, so you want Italian? Yeah. I know you love Italian honey, I know that Italian food, I know that, oh that restaurant down there uh, just on the other side of town, I know you really like that restaurant. I, you know, I, I appreciate that. Uh, Italian food is really one of your favorites but you know, I really like Mexican food. I was hoping that we could have Mexican food tonight. Uh, I was really just kind of craving a fajita, you know that little restaurant down there on Orange Avenue. So, how can we resolve this? What do you think?

Now see, the door's wide open. I've respected her, she understands my feelings, now the door’s wide open. I may go to the Italian restaurant but the conflict actually is kind of resolved. I said you know what, honey? I really want, I really want Mexican but you know what, why don't I do Italian this week and next week can we do the Mexican restaurant? And she’ll go “Sure, next week we'll do Mexican.” Ah! Resolve. Now, it sounds silly but that principle applies into big major issues. I have some truth and I know what I have is the truth and another person has an opinion that I do not agree with and it's very important that this issue is resolved. So me proving they're wrong, it's not going to resolve the issue. 

What resolves the issue is me praying in my spirit, seeking the Holy Spirit, seeking God's wisdom, and finding a Godly resolution. I really would just write that word down, Godly resolution. Godly resolution. You know you're right, you know they're wrong, how are we going to resolve this? Step number one, show that respect, kindness, and courtesy and listen to them. Listen to the other side, okay? So many times if you just let them get it off their chest, they're more of an open door and they're more receptive. Listen to them, honor what they’re saying, and know that they're a child of God and what they say matters. Now, state your opinion and why you believe what you believe, okay? And tell them, you know, hey, I appreciate what you're saying, I understand what you're saying. Maybe repeat back what you heard. You know, the mirroring technique. Repeat back some of what, what you heard them say. This could be a major thing, this is what I hear you saying, do I understand you correctly, you believe this and you believe that and you believe this, okay, I think that- do I understand you clearly? And they'll go yes, you understand what I'm saying.

See, that's, that's, that's healing right there. Now that they know you understand them and you know where they're coming from and you have a clear picture of their opinion, they most of the time, I would say 90% of the time they're going to be much more open to what you have to say, all right? So now, so is it okay if I state you know, what I believe and what I'm thinking? And use the I word. I'm not saying- and whatever you do, don't say you're wrong, let me show you why you're wrong. Avoid the “you” word, the “you” word is an attacking word. You can attack people with the word “you”. Anytime you speak the word “you”, you will automatically put the other person on defense. Focus on the I word; I feel, I believe, I desire, I think, okay? So I talk to the other person, is it all right if I tell you what I believe? Because I've already heard them, they know I've heard them so they're going to be open to it and they'll say yeah, okay, I believe this, this is what I believe and this is what I think is the truth. I hear what you're saying, this is what I think is the truth. So I speak my truth to them. 

Now we may still have a conflict and it's not going anywhere, okay. Well, there's never been a conflict that God doesn't have an answer for. This is where we need to hear the Holy Spirit. All right Lord, what's the resolution? You know, your spirit, you have to be listening to God. How do we resolve this? I'm seeking God's answer to this conflict and it could be many things but you want to find a Godly resolution. There may, maybe, maybe it is a compromise, maybe it's not a compromise. Maybe there cannot be a compromise but you could hold your ground in love. There's a way to hold your ground and hold your horses and hold your, you know hold your opinion in love. Maybe you, you will have to, after you've heard them and they've heard you, you may have to walk away. You may have to compromise, you may have to pray, you may have to go well, we may have to agree to disagree which I kind of hate that, agree to disagree because that doesn't really resolve anything, I hate that. But, seek an answer, seek a solution, seek a solution, seek- I knew a couple once that uh, the wife was staunchly Catholic, the husband was a staunch Baptist. Now, if you know anything about denominations, the Baptists and Catholics are like oil and water, they do not go together at all. And, they had a conflict, okay? And the Baptist theology versus the Catholic theology, she wanted to go to mass, he wanted to go to church. What did they do? They actually decided and they both came into agreement that they would rotate Sundays. They would go to mass one Sunday and the Baptist church the next Sunday.

Interesting story was, the old Baptist preacher loved to do what they call home visitations. He'd come by the home very frequently. Before you know it, the Catholic lady, the spouse, desired and wanted to go to the Baptist church. Problem solved. Okay? They just looked for a resolution, okay, we'll do your church one Sunday, my church the next Sunday, and then eventually ended up in the same church but nothing was forced. Now, what the husband could have done by mistake, “Hey, let me tell you where the Catholics are wrong. You know that Mary stuff? You know all that Mary stuff and that infant baptism and all that kind of- I don't agree with that, don't agree with that,” and she could have said, “Well, I could tell you why the Baptists are wrong because blah, blah, blah.” But instead of proving each other wrong, they found a resolution and God ended up getting the glory, amen?

Now listen, I know there's truth in the Bible that we need to stand up for, but we need to be able to speak the truth in love and we need to pray for people and use wisdom. We speak I will not compromise the word of God, but I also have to learn how to wisely present the word of God where there's a conflict. So again, unhealthy to appease, unhealthy to avoid, very unhealthy to fight to be, win, to fight to be right. Very healthy to find a Godly answer to the problem. That's conflict resolution.

Thank you for listening to me, I'm Dr. Ray Self. I have a little bit of a cold today, hope my voice is not too froggy for you. Yeah, thank you. Please check out my college. You know, I birthed over 20 years ago International College of Ministry. I just wanted a Holy Spirit-filled seminary filled with the Holy Spirit that had no walls, that could just reach the world. Something that would be convenient for people where they could study anywhere, anytime and we have students all over the world. We have students in Indonesia and Spain and England and Central America, you know. The- Alabama, Mississippi, Florida, Tennessee, Pennsylvania, Michigan, and it's, it's one body, one Lord. We're equipping the saints for the service of the Lord. If you're a minister and you've never completed your BA, we've got a program for you. We give you life experience, maybe you've got to be a, you've never finished your master's or maybe you want to go into a doctoral program, we have degrees in counseling, ministry, theology, and also a degree in prophetic ministry, prophetic, yeah I did say that. You could get a free degree evaluation, icmcollege.org. Check out my two books, you know, my books, Redeeming Your Past, Finding Your Promised Land; Hear His Voice, be His Voice on amazon.com.

Lord bless each person listening to me. Teach us how to resolve conflict the way you would have it resolved. In Jesus' name, amen. Thank you for listening.

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