Living in an Unhealthy Relationship

Hey, I’m Dr. Ray Self. I’m glad you tuned in today, or found this show today. So today, I’m talking on a tough one: living in a unhealthy relationship. How do you handle that? What do you do? Especially as a Christian? You know, we have to forgive, turn the other cheek. That makes it complicated, it really does. So hey, don't forget to check out the website for the podcast, that's icmcollege.org/selftalk. icmcollege.org/selftalk. ICM is a sponsor of the show - that stands for International College of Ministry - and the college website is, you guessed it, icmcollege.org. Check it out. We have free courses, you can get a free evaluation, it's an accredited, online, Holy Spirit-filled bible college. Get equipped for your degree today, don’t wait. Get equipped for your degree today. Get your bachelor’s, your master’s, or even doctorate degree. You know you need to do it, God’s called you; check it out today. Thanks for listening. This is Dr. Ray Self.

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Okay folks, here we go. This is Dr. Ray Self. I want to open up with prayer. Heavenly Father, I thank You for the show. I thank You for the opportunity to speak truth and healing and wisdom, Your wisdom. So Holy Spirit, gonna need Your help. Thank You for each person listening to this show, in the name of Jesus Christ.

As normal people, as Christians, many times people find themselves in unhealthy relationships. But there is a dilemma because we’re taught forgiveness and turning the other cheek. So what happens so many times is people will endure abusive relationships, believing this is God's will for their life; or that they, they have to because you know, to, to do anything different would be to be unfaithful or unjust or unbiblical. But let's, let's break this down, okay? So, we have a biblical command to forgive. Matter of fact, Jesus said if we do not forgive we will not be forgiven. So forgiveness is critical. But forgiveness does not mean things are okay. Forgiveness is letting someone off the hook. It doesn't mean there's no consequences to their behavior, it means you do not pass judgment upon them. You let God do that. It's not putting a stamp of approval on somebody's behavior, saying “Oh, that didn't hurt me. Everything is fine. It’s, it– we’ll pretend like it didn’t happen.” That’s not what forgiveness is. 

What so many people do when they have unforgiveness is they have hatred in their heart, they have vengeance in the heart, they imagine vengeance, that– they hope for bad things to happen to that person. They wish for a curse to come upon them, they, they wish for some calamity to hit them. See, that's judgment and that's not forgiveness. Forgiveness says, “I do not pass judgment upon you. I'm turning this over to God. What you did hurt me, it was unacceptable to me, but I forgive you. I’m not saying what you did is good, I'm saying that I forgive you. I'm not going to take revenge upon you or vengeance upon you. I'm not going to punish you, I am turning you over to the Lord.” To me, that is forgiveness.

Forgiveness does not mean there's no consequences to behavior. So, God works through natural consequences. The essence of boundaries is knowing where you end and somebody else begins. Also, one of the key tenets of boundaries is allowing people to suffer their natural consequence. Why is that important? It's important because God teaches us through natural consequence. When a person is rescued or not allowed to suffer consequence for their behavior, many times we’re getting in the way of what God wants to d, the lesson God want to teach, something God wants to show them. So, the way it works scripturally is you do the crime, you do the time. But so many times Christians, what they do is they're in a relationship where the spouse or the friend or whoever the relationship is - the boss, the teacher, what– the coach, does the crime, and then the victim does the time. In other words, the victim takes on the punishment for somebody else’s crime. That’s completely un-biblical. 

Let me show you this in scripture, let me talk to you about this in scripture just for a moment. So… in Jeremiah 31, the scripture says “Behold, the days are coming, declares the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah.” Now just before that, he explained a principle. He said, “But everyone will die for their own iniquity; each man that eats sour grapes, his teeth shall be set on edge.” “...they will not say again: ‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, and the children's teeth are set on edge.’” What does that mean?  That’s kind of a strange scripture. What it means is in the new covenant, we are not responsible for other people's behavior. It says “‘The fathers have eaten sour grapes, but the children's teeth are set on edge.’” He said No, no, no, no. In the new covenant, whoever eats the sour grapes, their teeth are set on edge, not their family, not their friends. And then he goes on to explain, he said “...each one dies for their own iniquity.” Each one dies for their own iniquity. What does that mean? God holds each one of us responsible for our behavior, not for another adult’s behavior. There's a saying in counseling which sounds extreme, but it's actually very true and it is “What other people think of you is none of your business.” 

So many times, we make other people’s thoughts and behaviors our business. That’s, that’s crossing the principle of boundaries. What other people think is not my business, what other people do is not my business. What I think is my business, what I do is my business. If a person is abusive or says something mean or hateful to me or to you, that's their business and God holds them accountable for that sin. How you respond to that is your business. So in other words, let other people own their own behavior and do not take responsibility for another person's behavior. You take responsibility for your behavior, that is the law of God, that is the principle of God. And it's very freeing because so many times as Christians, when we're in an unhealthy situation we think, “Well, it's my fault, I could have done this, I should have done.” You know, “If I hadn’t have said this, if I hadn’t have done that…” Look, I, I get it, we do things, say things we shouldn’t say but still… God does not hold me responsible for another person’s reaction to me. He does hold me responsible for my actions but I'm not responsible for somebody else's reactions. Now I can say things that would cause a natural negative reaction, I get that, but you have to understand– remember, a boundary is knowing where you end and another person begins. So, what do you own? 

Boundaries is– see, a boundary is a borderline. A borderline defines what is inside of it. What's inside your borderline belongs to you. Well, imagine a boundary that is drawn around your life or your words and your actions, and then you're in a relationship, there's a boundary drawn around them. So inside of my boundaries is my thoughts, my behavior, my likes, my desires, my dislikes, what I say, what I do, all this belongs to me. Now maybe I'm in a relationship with someone who's not healthy. Well, inside their boundaries or their thoughts, their actions, their desires, their wishes, their behavior. That's within their boundaries. I don't own that. I don’t one another person’s thoughts, behaviors, or actions, I own mine. And God holds me accountable for my words, my actions, my thoughts, my reactions. God holds the person– maybe you're in an unhealthy relationship, well God holds them accountable for their behavior but He does not hold you accountable for somebody else's behavior. Why is that important? Because in an unhealthy relationship so many times in an unhealthy relationship, the abuser blames the victim; and they try to pass off their behavior to the other person. “Well, I wouldn't have said this if you wouldn’t have said that. I wouldn't have done this if you hadn't done that.” And that is just a lie because how I react is up to me. How somebody else's act is up to them. When you get this principle in your heart– I encourage you to read any book by Dr Henry Cloud, especially on boundaries, He's fantastic with this stuff. But when you get the principle down that you do not own or have a responsibility for other person's behavior even in an unhealthy relationship, you can allow the other person to own your behavior which is how you treat them, how you treat yourself, what you think, what you do, what you say.

So, in an unhealthy relationship, what I encourage people to do is to take care of yourself. What happens in so many toxic relationships is the victim has their entire focus on the perpetrator. They worry about the perpetrator, they think about the perpetrator, they try to figure ways to change the perpetrator– by the way, you're not going to change other people– you try to think of ways to fix the perpetrator– by the way, you're not going to fix another person. And so you're looking for all these solutions but in the midst of all that, you're not taking care of yourself. A counselor told me something years ago, I'll never forget this, she said self-care is not selfish. I was so concerned about other people in my life that I forgot to take care of myself. And when I did do good things for myself, I felt like I was being selfish. That's kind of interesting, my name being Self. So understand that self-care is not selfish. If you're in a unhealthy relationship, what can you do? Well, if you focus on yourself, ask yourself these questions: What do you need? What do you want? You are responsible to take care of your needs, you’re responsible for your desires. But so many times people in unhealthy relationships, especially Christians, ignore their needs and ignore their desires in order to try to fix or care or please the other person. Take care of yourself. 

Now, we have a responsibility to be kind and loving to the, to the perpetrator. Now we don’t have to sit there and take it, but we have a responsibility not to be mean, hateful, or rude. We have a responsibility to be Christ-like, speak the truth in love to the perpetrator. However, you can live– matter of fact, God's– the scripture says the mind set on the Lord will be in perfect peace. The mind set on the Holy Spirit is at peace. You can live in peace in the midst of an unhealthy relationship if you watch your focus because what you focus on controls you. If you want your focus, if you focus on– like the Apostle Paul said, “whatever is lovely, whatever is pure, whatever is honorable, whatever is of good report, think on these things,” because your mind controls you. So, watch your focus, get your focus off. There’s a statement that we use in counseling called detachment. Detach mentally from the perpetrator. Start thinking about positive things, call your positive friend, take a walk. Maybe you have a hobby you've given up, pick that hobby back up, do good things for yourself. At first it feels selfish but remember, self-care is not selfish. Focus on the Lord, focus on this word. Pray. Release the other person to God. Ask the Holy Spirit to have this way with the other person. And when you do these things, you can actually live in peace in, in a very unhealthy situation.

Now, Gad hates divorce. I-I get it, He hates divorce. I hate divorce, everybody hates divorce. If you've been divorced, you really hate divorce. It- it’s– But separation from abuse is not unscriptural. God loves you and He never expects a person to stay and allow themselves to be abused. You remember when Jesus went uh, to the temple and they threatened to stone Him? They were going to throw Him off a cliff but He said “It’s not My time.” and He walked back right in the middle of them. Jesus did not allow Himself to be abused until it was time to offer Himself as a sacrifice. Abuse is never God's will and for you to sit there and take abuse is not God's will. God loves you. So many times people think that God loves to institution more than he loves the people. God does not love the institution of marriage more than he loves the people who are married. It's not the institution He loves, He cares about the people, okay? Now I’m– I do– I’m not a proponent of divorce. What I am saying is, a boundary has to be set. A healthy boundary is what you allow into your life and you will not allow. The problem with unhealthy relationships is sometimes you can be in a relationship with a boundary trampler and they don't respect your boundaries and they just come right over them. In that case, You got to up the ante. You got to increase your boundary. That's where you may have to separate yourself from them because they do not respect your healthy boundaries. You know, a healthy person, all you have to say is “Hey, that hurt me,” uh, “I’m uncomfortable with that, I found your actions unacceptable.” And then the person who did it– a healthy person is going to say, “Wow, I'm sorry I did that. Please forgive me,” and you can live like that. But if the perpetrator is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and they c– even though you're not responsible for them, but they won't take responsibility either. That is, is rough, and that is tough. If they are hurting you, continually hurting you, and you’re not able to detach and live a peaceful life, you may need to physically separate.

But what I am saying is when you focus on the Lord and you focus on taking care of your body and your spirit and your mind and you focus on the purpose and call of God on your life, you can live a, a peaceful, joyful life even in an unhealthy relationship. It's not an easy job. I mean, there's, there's challenges all around it because it’s, it’s painful, it’s uh… it’s rough. But remember what you own and what you don’t own. God holds you accountable, whoever you are, listener, whoever you are listening to me, you're accountable for your words, you are accountable for your actions - even for your thoughts. And the other person that you're in a relationship with, they're accountable for theirs. They’re accountable for their thoughts, their words and their actions, and even their feelings. Now, where things get messed up is when you start taking responsibility or ownership of their behavior and maybe vice versa. That's not God's will and it violates… in Jeremiah when it says each one will die for their own iniquity, which means God holds each one of us responsible for our behavior, not their behavior.

One thing I've taught for years is about personal forgiveness. When, when we sin, we ask God to forgive us, it’s in First John, “If we confess our sins, He’s faithful and just to forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” But if it– is we go, “Lord, I sinned but You don’t know what they said to me. What they said to me is inappropriate,” and, and then “they made me do it.” Well, that’s not taking personal ownership. Ownership means you did it, you're guilty, you repent, you ask forgiveness, and God forgives you. And He cleanses you from all unrighteousness. Making excuses for behavior does not cause God to forgive you– in, in my opinion, I think scripture lines up with that. So how can you live in a unhealthy relationship? You have to learn how to detach, appreciate the good days, take care of yourself. You are responsible for your needs, your wants, and your desires. Nobody else can meet them but you. Stop trying to make them, stop trying to control them, stop trying to make them be another person. Know that God will hold them accountable and God will hold you accountable. You're not responsible for their life, they're not responsible for your life. And what's interesting enough, when you have this healthy attitude you can actually love more because you've taken ownership of yourself and you're able to give more because you have more. And you can give more to that other person when you take ownership of yourself.

I hope this has helped you today. Kind of a heavy topic. This is Dr. Ray Self and I thank you again for listening. You know, I’ve got a couple of books out that I really think would help you. I’ve mentioned them on other shows: Redeeming Your Past and Finding Your Promised Land. If you want to know how to get over your stuff and find the will of God for your life, get into your promised land, this book is for you. It's available on Amazon or you can purchase it from our podcast website, icmcollege.org/selftalk. All these links are in the um, show description. And, what else we got? Hear His Voice, Be His Voice, the second book I wrote about how to know when God is speaking to you, how to move prophetically, and how to respond to that, and how to act on that. And I’d appreciate that. Don't forget to check out International College of Ministry at icmcollege.org. Thank you so much for listening to today’s show. God bless you.

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Okie dokie, you've been listening to my show, Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. I hope this show has helped you. I pray that it has and I wanted to speak a blessing over each person who's listening to the show. Father, in the name of Jesus Christ, let Your Holy Spirit touch each person listening to the show. And if someone listening is in an unhealthy relationship, give them the grace, give them the wisdom, give them the courage, and help them set their healthy boundaries in Jesus’ name. Again, thank you for listening. If you’d like to donate to this show, and I really hope you do because this show is expensive. Uh, please go to icmcollege.org/donate. That's in the show description, the link’s there. Uh, International College of Ministry is now enrolling. You can get associates’, bachelors’, masters’, doctor degrees in ministry, theology, prophetic ministry, and Christian Counseling. What's really cool about this is you work your own schedule, there is no schedule except what you set. The courses are waiting for you to take them any time you want. You can work fast, you can work slow, whatever it takes. Uh, it's not expensive. If you have a financial hardship there are even financial hardship scholarships available. You can get a free evaluation. If you say “I'm not sure if I want to do this but I'd like to know what it would cost and what courses I'll need to take,” I can send you that. Just go to the website, icmcollege.org. I bless you, I thank you, in Jesus’ name. This is Dr. Ray Self