Overcoming Holiday Blues

Hello, welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. I really appreciate you listening to me. As I'm recording this podcast, it's the first part of December and I know Christmas can be a tough time for some people, joyful time for others. Sometimes those that are joyful make it harder for those who are struggling. Stay tuned to this show and I'm going to tell you how to go from just surviving to thriving during Christmas. God bless you. Thank you for listening

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Welcome to Self Talk, I'm Dr Ray Self. This is episode 113. I cannot believe we've done 113 shows. I appreciate everyone listening and following this show and please remember to go to the show website, icmcollege.org/selftalk and subscribe. Give me a review and share this with other people. It helps me reach more- all I want to do is just reach people with truth that'll set them free, give them some hope and some real answers. Another thing I'm asking my listeners to do is email me with a topic. What would you like to talk about? Maybe you have an issue that you're struggling with, something in your family, something from your past, something you cannot get over and I would love to talk about that on the show. I'm not going to embarrass you and use your name and address but just to email me. Say Dr Ray, this is what I really wish you could talk about and you do that by going to drayself@gmail.com. D r r a y s e l f  at gmail.com. I'd love to hear from you.

So in today's show: Christmas holidays. And if you're in a hard situation, maybe you've lost a loved one, maybe you've gone through a divorce, maybe you're struggling with depression, maybe you're just not happy with life in general and then we enter into this most joyous time of the year with all the Christmas carols, you know. Uh, Joy to the World and all that great stuff and it just makes you feel worse; it really does. And sometimes you see the people with the kids and the Christmas trees and all the presents and it's just-  it's not floating your boat. And or, which I've done in the past, sometimes you just fake it till you make it. In other words, you're going through the motions, you're spending more money than you want to spend, you're eating more food than you want to eat, you've decorated your tree, you've put up your outside lights but underneath it all, you're struggling and you're just not, you're not happy.

And I know this and you know, if I'm very transparent, I've been through a divorce before and uh, when I was a single father, holidays were very hard for me. Very lonely, very difficult and what seemed to make it difficult was there was this conflict: “well, I'm supposed to be happy and joyful in this joyful time of the year, you know, Santa Claus is coming to town”. And but I wasn't joyful and being in a joyful seasoned seems to trigger and make you feel less joyful if that makes sense, you know? There's a pressure to, to perform and celebrate and do the Christmas parties and go to church and worship and sing the hymns but underneath it all, it's just not working and maybe that's one thing I really want to talk about too is many of you are very strong people and you can function very well even though you're unhappy and dissatisfied or frustrated underneath the surface and nobody knows it. But you know it and it's a tribute to you that you can function, act normal participate, do everything you're supposed to do especially during the Christmas holidays.

But underneath it all, you're not happy or you're frustrated but you're able to go to work, come home, wrap the presents, do everything you're supposed to do. Smile, get the pictures, wear the silly pajamas, but it's all surface because underneath it all, you're really having a hard time. So are there answers? Are there things you can do? And maybe I'm talking to you because I've experienced this so many times myself where I'm, I'm faking it. I mean, you know? I'm a minister of the Gospel, you know? I'm a father, I've got to fake it, I mean, you know? I'm not saying I'm a hypocrite, I'm just saying I'm doing what I'm supposed to do. I'm saying what I'm supposed to say. I'm being the good solid Christian dad or maybe you're a lady, the Christian mom.

So I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do because it's the right thing to do but I'm not, as they say, I'm not feeling it so you know what? What do you do, you know, in these situations? Well one thing to understand is Mercy is not a bad thing. Mercy is a good thing. I really totally disagree with these people who are always talking about “oh, you're just wallowing in self-pity”. Let me tell you something. Sometimes self-pity is not a bad thing. You know, we have compassion and pity on those around us, we have empathy on those that are struggling around us but we don't do it for ourselves. There's nothing wrong with having a little empathy for yourself. Some compassion for yourself, some understanding for yourself and then actually move into an area of self-care.

I had to tell- I had a, excuse me, I had a counselor tell me something years ago that I never, ever, ever forgot. She told me, she said Ray, self-care is not selfish. So what I want you to do, what I'm asking you to do is begin to care for yourself; and I mean if you're struggling this Christmas which is understandable, and that's, and that's okay, it is perfectly fine to have a little empathy for yourself. There's this stigma like if you have compassion for yourself you're just being that, you know, you just have self-pity and this, this self-pity, there's a stigma about that that this is some sort of horrible thing if you actually feel sorry for yourself. What's wrong? You feel sorry for other people. You have, you're concerned about other people when you're going through struggles and hard times but you can't do it for yourself. That would be, that's, that's not, that's not happening.

So quit listening to people that say “oh, you're just, you're just wallowing in self-pity.” Now, that's just not what's going on. To have concern and compassion for yourself is healthy. You cannot care for yourself unless you can relate to your own feelings, so acknowledge what you're feeling. Acknowledge. Maybe you just have to do it to yourself or maybe you can journal this. Acknowledge what you're feeling and you know what? It is sad and it is tough, especially if you have some depression or anxiety or fear or maybe you're grieving. Those are tough times and you need some compassion, you need someone to hug you, you need someone to tell you it's going to be okay and you may have to do that for yourself.

Do it for yourself if you don't have anybody else to do it for you and that's not unusual because usually we're hiding all this underneath the surface. Tell yourself it's going to be okay. It's, you know… yeah, you don't feel good, you're not happy but you know what? You're going to make it now I don't want to trivialize this because it's actually very serious. Now there are so- first off, self-care is not selfish. To have compassion on yourself and mercy on yourself is healthy. Compassion, self-compassion, self-mercy, is healthy. It is not unhealthy, do you, do you hear me? That's not an unhealthy thing. It's not wallowing in self-pity. Now matter of fact, I have uh, very seldom ever met anybody who what they call “wallows and self-pity”. To me that would be a person that is so caught up in self-pity they're not functional. They- all day long they're going “wow is me, woe us me”. I don't know anybody like that but I do know a lot of people that think it's a bad thing to even feel sorry for yourself although you'd feel sorry for somebody else and that's not a bad thing. It's actually a form of self-love and self-care to acknowledge your feelings.

Now that you have acknowledged your feelings, you can actually go to the Lord and a prayer something like this. It goes- of course, you know I don't like to for anybody to read a written prayer. I think prayer should come through the heart. But for me, my prayer usually goes something like this when I'm in this time of sadness and frustration and I, I'm just not happy in a situation I should be happy in. I might say “Lord Jesus, I come to you now. Lord, I'm having a hard time. Abba Father, I am, I'm sad, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely. Lord, I need your help. Lord, your word says you're near and dear to the brokenhearted. Holy Spirit, I just ask you to come. You are the comforter. I need your comfort, I need some assurance, I need your help so Lord, I ask for your help. I believe you're near to me, I believe you care for me, I believe you love me. Show me what you want me to do. Father if there is anything that needs to be healed, heal me. I rebuke any demonic oppression that is trying to attack me. I refuse to receive that in Jesus name. But Lord, I received your touch. I acknowledge my heart to you in Jesus’ name. Amen.”

Now folks this type of prayer, if you read Psalms, is what King David was doing all the time. King David was acknowledging his feelings, acknowledging his pain in much of the Psalms and what did God say about David? He said “David is a man after my own heart”, you know. Why? Because David was transparent and real and one thing I'm telling you this Christmas season is it's okay to get transparent. It's okay to get real with your feelings and if nobody else is, nobody around you that you can really talk to, acknowledge. Write it down and be your own best friend, be your own counselor, be your own exhorter, be your own hugger. Everyone needs some compassion, some hugs, some understanding. You can be that person for yourself. It's not selfish to care for yourself.

I just want to, I want to hammer that point home. It is not selfish to care for yourself it is not selfish to have compassion and empathy for yourself. You'll do it for other people but you won't do it for yourself. And it's actually healing in that. Now, there are other- some positive, practical things you can do, you know. Sunlight is a great cure for blues. Find natural light. Get out into the light, the light is healthy and of course, they’ve done studies about that; about the effect of vitamin D and all these kind of things. Anything aerobic is extremely good for your mental health. A walk, a bike ride, anything, any type of motion. Then put yourself around life. 

Now remember, when you're struggling with the blues and it can get into depression, there is a dead feeling about all of this. There's a feeling of lifelessness in your frustration and in your hurt and in your pain and your anxiety. It feels lifeless. So what you do is when you have this lifelessness that you're struggling with, you must find life and get around it. In other words, don't isolate yourself. I know sometimes you just want to pull up the cover over your heads and forget it all but that's the worst thing you can do. Find people. Put yourself in social situations. Go to church, sing praise songs, go to the, the mall - of course now everything's, there's not really any more malls anymore - go to a store that has a lot of Christmas decorations. Go to a concert, go to a funny Christmas movie or watch a funny Christmas movie. Watch something ridiculous like Elf. Put yourself in situations that are full of life.

 It can be anywhere. I mean, it could be driving around looking at Christmas decorations, there's life in that. Um, listening to Christmas carols, talking to to positive friends on the phone. Again, going go to Walmart. I mean, you know, I'm not a big Walmart fan but there's a lot of life in Walmart and also there's a lot of interesting kinds of crazy people in Walmart. And of course, if you live in a small town that's the social highlight of the week.

In other words, go to a park where kids are playing. Um, I remember once not too long ago I was really struggling and there's some - a park with some softball fields not too far from my house and I just walked over to the game and to sit in the bleachers and watch the softball game and it was- I didn't know the people at all but it just felt good. Uh, also in my neighborhood the new thing is pickleball. Pickleball. You know, when I was younger I was a tennis player but there's some pickleball courts and I have walked over and just watched them play Pickleball. But there's life. Find something that's that's full of life and participate in it. Know these things, know these truths when you are facing holiday blues. Maybe it's a form of depression.

I remember depression has many many levels to it but depression can be defeated. One thing about when you have the depression that comes on you realize this truth because truth will set you free. Your mind will play tricks on you. Your mind will tell you and your thought life will tell you that things are much worse than they actually are. Depression is a negative magnifier. It magnifies things that are problems into huge problems. It magnifies small tasks into overwhelming tasks. It's like putting on a pair of negative sunglasses so what I've learned to do when I'm struggling is I quit paying so much attention to my mind because I knew my mind was overwhelmed and I was seeing problems as overwhelming when the truth was they were not overwhelming. 

The truth - I was feeling like I could not make it, I could not do it - and the truth was I could do it and so I realized that in a way, my mind was lying to me and I quit listening to the depression and the oppression. I kept quit, listening to the message of the depression and started asking myself, “what is the truth here? What is the truth?” Now, it takes a little mental discipline to do this because when you look at the truth, the truth is not nearly as bad as what your mind is focused on and so, so you focus on the truth. You have to learn to ignore some of your thoughts because your mind will say I can't do this. This is overwhelming. I'm not going to make it, I'm so miserable. This is just awful, there's no end to this and you know? If you think about it, that's your mind. That's what you're feeling and your feelings are triggering thoughts but it's not true. 

Now, your feelings are real but the beliefs that your feelings are creating are not true. Then you have to realize that. When you realize that, you can get through it because then you start looking at the truth and all of a sudden, you start feeling better. Another thing it takes, it does take some discipline which is hard because you don't feel disciplined when you're, you know, when you're oppressed or depressed or you got the blues. iI you will make yourself do something positive once you take the steps you're going to be okay. 

The problem is the initial getting going. It's kind of like there's an old expression that says what's the most difficult exercise machine at the gym and the answer is the front door. In other words, if you can just get there, you're going to be fine. So if you'll just take a step, you'll find out you're going to be fine. You don't feel like it now. Another lie that when you have holiday blues is, the lie is your motivation is gone. So you feel like “I don't want to do this, I don't feel like doing this, I don't want to do this”. But you know, the truth is if you will do these things, you're going to be a whole lot better and you'll also be very happy that you did it another thing.

What I want to encourage you to do is find an exhorter. The gift of exhortation in the Bible in Romans 12:6-10 talks about “this is the encourager” and some people are just natural encouragers. Find those people and talk to those people. Now, other people are black and white uh, blunt, outspoken, opinionated and they're, they're truthful but they're not encouraging. You need an encouraging friend, an encouraging family member and you may want to just be honest and go “hey”, call them up, say “hey, I need some encouragement. Can you just tell me something positive?”

Find the encouraging friend and talk to them. As a matter of fact, most people with the gift of exhortation love to talk. It's no problem getting them to talk to you because they have a lot of words to say. Find the encourager. Avoid the people that're just going to tell you, you know, build a bridge and get over it; the black and white. Um, you know the perfect- a lot of prophetic people can be very black and white. God's will or not God's will. You know what? We're all in the middle ground. We're all at work, in process. You're going to be okay. You're gonna make it. When I was a kid, my mother used to tell me something that I never forgot. My mother would say “Ray, this too shall pass.” And I used to just pretty much ignore that but looking back, I'm 71 years old, I've been walking with the Lord for a long time, I found out my mother was absolutely right.

It always did pass, I always came through to the other side. When in the middle of it, it was like it would never end. I would never get over it. I'd never get through it but I always did. There was always another side. There was always light into the tunnel and I would always come through the tunnel. I made it every single time. Didn't think I was going to make it but I did. This too shall pass. You will make it, you will be okay. Let me pray for you as we close.

Heavenly Father, I thank you for each person listening to me now. If anyone here that is suffering with feeling oppressed, depressed, anxious, fearful during this holiday season, Holy Spirit touch them now. Touch them with your truth, with your comfort. Lord, your word says the joy of the Lord is our strength. Father, return the joy to everyone listening to me. Return your joy, return your peace. And Father, I rebuke and renounce every evil assignment or scheme against those listening to me that would try to destroy their peace, their happiness, their contentment, their fulfillment. I rebuke those schemes and Father, I thank you Lord during this holiday season we can praise you. We can celebrate you and even though, Father, it's been difficult, we can get free because you set us free, Father. The  Spirit of the Lord God is upon us to set at liberty those that are captive so Father, let the Holy Spirit set at liberty everyone listening to me who's held captive by the holiday blues oppression, depression, sadness, frustration, whatever it is. Father, it's not your will. Lord, return your peace to your people. I thank you Father, for each person to listening to this show. In Jesus name, amen. Amen.

Well I hope you've enjoyed the show. I hope this show has helped you. Please don't forget to write a review for me. Another super duper cool thing is in the show description, we have a new store we've just launched. It's our product store and in this store we have books that I've written. Also, we have courses you can purchase, International College of Ministry college level courses you can; maybe you need a particular counseling topic and you would like to have a course on that topic. You can purchase courses. We have ICM t-shirts, we have coffee mugs, hats we got all kinds of cool stuff. There's a link in the show description, please check it out. Thank you so much for being with me and Merry Christmas and God bless.

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Thank you for listening to today's broadcast. I hope this show helped you a lot. Don't forget to check out our new product store, the link is in the show description. you can get all kinds of cool stuff there. Books, courses, t-shirts, caps, coffee mugs, all kinds of neat stuff. That also helps us to continue to give scholarships to people with financial hardships. Please check out icmcollege.org, that's the International College of ministry. If you have a call to God on your life it's never going away. It's like a phone ringing 24 hours a day. You need to get equipped for your call so join a Holy Spirit filled, accredited college where you can work online on your own schedule on your own time. And, it is affordable. If you have a financial hardship, we have scholarship funds available for you. Go to icmcollege.org. You know you need to get equipped,  you know God has called you. I love you much. Don't forget to share this show so we can get more listeners more, more people. We need to reach more people with this so tell people about it. Share it with your friends. Anyway, thank you for listening and I pray you have a wonderful, merry, blessed Christmas.