Responding to Toxic Family Members

Hey, welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, me, Dr. Ray Self. So glad you're logging in or tuning in or downloading another episode. Uh, this is my 148th episode of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, so welcome to the show. Each week I try to do something that I think the Holy Spirit's leading me to do, and I hope this show blesses you and helps you with your everyday life. And uh, if you– please don't forget, go to the website for the show, icmcollege.org/selftalk. I know it's kind of a long ulr but hey, it's all I got. icmcollege.org/selftalk. There you'll see every episode, you can subscribe, uh, you can rate, review, all kinds of cool stuff. And um, I appreciate you. Thanks for listening, this is going to be a good show about that toxic family during Christmas so God bless you.

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Okay, here we go. I'm Dr. Ray Self and you are listening to Self Talk with me. I appreciate you logging in today and thank you so much. Let's have a word of prayer. Heavenly Father, I thank you for each person listening to this show. I pray, Father, that you'll use me. Let me be a blessing, let me speak words that will glorify you and, and help us, Father… and help us to grow and learn and, and become more like you, Father. So I thank you and I declare a blessing on each person listening today. In Jesus name, I pray, amen. 

So today is uh, kind of like a, a holiday show in a way, but… how many of you, if you could just raise your hand where I can see it, have family members that kind of drive you crazy? I mean, you know, the word toxic is kind of strong but it seems like um, there's always that one family member that uh, makes life difficult. You know, you love them, you care about them, but they make life difficult. And sometimes, perhaps, maybe you even get stressed just thinking about spending time with them. But yet, they are your family and it is a holiday, so you know what that means… and I have people like that. Um, well, I want to say my family actually is doing pretty good right now, but I have had cases – I'm 72 years old, I've lived a lot, and I have experienced this before in the past. But the question is as Christians, we have commandments from Jesus Christ to love. I mean, and it's, it's, it's kind of universal. He said um, “A new commandment…” John 13:34, “...new commandment I give you: that you love one another as I have loved you.” Love. Um, John 13:35, “By this all men will know you are my disciples if you love one another.” Um, John 14:15, “If you love me, you'll keep my commandments,” okay? 

Um, he said uh, love your neighbor, he said love your enemies, he said love your, your wife as yourself, okay? He said, “abide in my love.” In other words, Jesus doesn't give us an out. He tells us to love other disciples, He tells us to love our neighbors, He tells us to love our enemies, He tells us to love God. And so, it's kind of universal. And I've often said this: that as Christians, it's easy to love people that you like and agree with but the challenge is to love people that are not likable and you don't agree with, and sometimes that involves your family. 

So it's the holidays coming up and families get together in holidays, and here we are. Now, if you are a Holy Spirit-filled Christian, sometimes family gatherings can be a little, little rough. Now, in, in my family - I love my family a lot - but would I say that, um, they're all walking under the anointing of the Holy Spirit in the holidays? You know, probably not. But - and I don't want to to pick on my family because my family is good, I love my family - but many people, especially seems like Christians have that family member who can be rude, um, irritating, controlling - oh, that's a big one - controlling, maybe narcissistic, and you see them at the holidays. And here you are, a Christian, and you're trying to, to do the right thing. You know, you want to be cordial but yet they're irritating your socks off. I mean, how do you handle that? How do you navigate this? You know, it's the big Thanksgiving gathering, it's the big Christmas gathering. And the, the reason I'm talking about this - I've seen this many times where instead of us handling this in a healthy manner, what happens is there's just a lot of inner, inner frustration and resentment and anger that, that takes place. And sometimes it manifests out loud and it's, it's ugly. But the point of this podcast today is how do I handle that family member? Or maybe it's a close friend, or that is it, it seems to be toxic to you, that just pushes your buttons, pushes– that triggers you where you really just want to manifest. 

And we all have things that trigger us. Um, I get triggered by controlling people. When this, when I'm around a controller or if I'm around rudeness, if I'm around uh, where I feel disrespected or for me, the worst possible thing is to be around a place where you feel ignored - and this can happen within our families - but how do we respond to these toxic or poisonous behaviors? Now, as a natural person, as uh, normal people, the way we respond is we get irritated, we get frustrated, we bite our lip, we try not to say anything although we're thinking it, and we kind of just wish they would go away, and we get into– and sometimes it's not kept inside. Sometimes um, it, it, it manifests, and uh, it can, and it can get ugly. But since Jesus told us to love - love our neighbors, love our enemies, love our family, love ourselves, love Him, it's kind of universal. There's no escape clause with Jesus when it comes to love. 

So how do you love that family member who just pushes you the wrong way in, in the holidays? Well, I want to give you some principles that I think can help you. And if you have to– you have to watch your thought process because people, especially those close to you, can be insulting and can really hurt you. Satan loves to use people close to you to hurt you, and you should know that if you're a Christian listening to the show, you probably understand this principle: who hurts you the most are people you care about the most. And the Devil knows this and he will use them to hurt you. You know, you don't get hurt by that stranger at Walmart but you get hurt by a family member. A stranger at Walmart who gives you a– says a cutting remark, you could care less. That family member who makes a sarcastic remark just… it just rips you apart. 

So how do we, how do we navigate this? How, how do we handle this? Well, there are some principles that I want you to understand. Number one is we are not responsible for other people's thoughts, action, words, or behavior. Now, here's what happens with the toxic person. They want you to feel like it's your fault for they, for the way they act. Their words, their actions are because of you. That's a lie, that is an absolute lie but they want you to buy that lie, therefore, they do not have to take responsibility for their anger, for their sarcasm, for their rude behavior because, quote, you deserved it. “Oh yes, you deserved it.” If you hadn't made that comment or if you hadn't challenged them, they wouldn't have said this. Those are all– that's all not true. God holds every one of us responsible for our behavior. To blame another adult for your behavior is immature. Now, I understand people can cause you to react. People can say something rude and you want to react with a sarcastic remark and you want to be rude right back to them and that's your choice. But the point is what I think, what I speak, what comes out of my mouth, the actions I do are my responsibility and my choice, regardless of what happens around me. So if I'm around a toxic family member or toxic friend and they start getting to me, how I respond to that is up to me. 

Now, to give you some peace, understand that they alone, they alone are responsible for their own words and their own thoughts. There's a saying in counseling which sounds kind of strange but it's it's absolutely true. And the saying is what other people think of you is none of your business. Well, how could that be none of my business? I mean… I'll tell you. I want you, even listening to this podcast, I want you to think good of me, but it's none of my business. Your thoughts are your business, your words are your business, your actions are your business. Therefore, that toxic family member, their words are their business, not yours. Their actions are their actions, not yours. You do not have to take any ownership of their words, their actions, or their thoughts. It is– belongs solely to them. What happens is that they do not want that to happen. The toxic person does not want to take ownership of their behavior so they are going to project this upon you, blame you for it, and say you are the cause of it. You are not the cause of a- another person's behavior. Other people behave the way they behave because this is what they choose to do. And so it is a lie to say, “Well, you made me do this. You made me say this.” Baloney. Ba– that's a scientific word. Baloney. That's a counseling word. Baloney. They choose their words and their actions. 

And so this is the essence of boundaries: allowing people to own their behavior and not taking ownership of another person's behavior, especially that toxic family member. One definition of boundaries - I've used this a lot, I think this came originally from Dr. Henry Cloud - is boundaries are knowing where you end and another person begins. Well, your thoughts and your actions and your words: that, that's, that's yours. I mean, you can draw a line around it, that's your stuff. So the person, your family member, they have actions, words, and thoughts. That's their stuff. What happens is, when you don't have healthy boundaries, everything gets blurred. And so instead of drawing a line and going that is your thoughts, that is their behavior, that is their actions, not mine, you allow them to cross the line, cross your boundaries; and all of a sudden, everything gets mixed up and gets confused and it's like their toxic behavior becomes your property. It does not have to be that way. Their toxic behavior does not have to be your property and another really blunt way to put it is their garbage does not have to be your garbage. They'll hand you trash, they will hand you garbage and what most people do - human nature is, is to take that garbage, grab it with your hands, look at it, examine it. Maybe even absorb it. 

And what I'm saying is to get along with this toxic person, allow them to own their own behavior, do not take responsibility or ownership of other people's behavior. It's their behavior. Now listen, don't– quit buying the lie that you cause them to do that, or… and then they'll try to perpetrate that lie upon you, project that lie upon you, that you caused them to do that. No, you didn't cause them. You know, nobody makes me do anything. I choose my words, I choose my thoughts, I choose my actions, and I choose my reaction. So how you react to the toxic person is up to you, how they act toward you is up to them. But it's not your stuff, it's their stuff. So if you can learn to say, you know what-- and here… there's a, here's a phrase that really will help you. When that toxic family member is being sarcastic or trying to dump some of their stuff upon you and blame you for something, just say, “You know, I'm sorry you feel that way,” and let it go. And those words - I'm sorry you feel that way - what you're actually saying is “I have compassion on you but I'm going to let you keep ownership of your actions and I'm not going to take any ownership of that. As a matter of fact, I have compassion on you because obviously, you have issues.” Now, you're not saying all that, but you are by saying, “I'm so sorry that you feel that way.” And you know, it's, it's not ugly, it's not rude, it's just a very polite way to respond. But then in your spirit, you have to realize that it's up to you to set a boundary and not take on, and not take ownership - that's a big one - or responsibility for somebody else's words or actions. It can really give you peace in your life. 

For many years, um, I worked– when I was younger I worked in retail. I worked at a, a large department store. And if you ever worked retail - and I bet you some of my listeners have worked retail - you know that when you're dealing with the public, you come across every type of person there is. You, you deal with good, bad, and ugly people. You deal with wonderful people, rude people, ugly people, the full gamut. But I practiced the principle I'm talking to you about today of allowing other people to own their own actions and not take responsibility for other people's words, and I learned how not to get offended and react to ugly, rude customers. I mean, they're out there. And so much so, that one day my boss came up to me and he literally asked me… he said, how do you not get upset with these people? Because you know, you do get some really rude - excuse expression - jerks in retail. And I said I don't take ownership. I do not take ownership of their behavior. That's their behavior. As a matter of fact, I have compassion on them. And see, that's boundaries and it allowed me to, to, to live in peace. And so I'm, I'm literally thinking, gosh, that person was rude. I'm so sorry they– maybe they have some personal issues, maybe they're, they're unhappy at home, maybe they need to be saved, Hallelujah, whatever it is… 

Um, another thing - now let's just be realistic here - when you're around that rude, ugly, controlling, manipulating, you know, close friend or family member, you can't always escape them and you can't be perfectly at peace all the time around them because we're not super human beings, but what we can do - and this is what I've had to do. I've had some people in my life that are very toxic that I cared about very deeply, so what I learned to do was first, the principle of not take ownership of their words. Remember that their words, God holds them accountable. Their words are their words, their thoughts are their thoughts, their actions are their actions. I do not take ownership of somebody else's words or actions, I take ownership of my own. But despite that, they're still affecting me, they're still affecting me because you know, I'm not, I'm not… super… super Ray. So sometimes you just limit your exposure. You know, you can handle pretty much anything for a short period of time, so you might have to limit your exposure. 

What I've done in some large family gatherings is I literally will just get up to say, “Excuse me,” and I'll just go in the other room, grab a cup of coffee, um, you know, when you have family gatherings you have people usually in several rooms. I'll just, you know, politely excuse myself and move on to another person, have a conversation with a different person. In other words, it's like– I live down in Florida. You know, the sun is really okay and you don't get burned staying outdoors unless you stay outdoors too long with no sunblock. In other words, you limit your exposure to the Sun to keep from being sunburned. And sometimes you may need to limit your exposure to that toxic person. 

Another key thing is when you get quiet and you get still, pray for that person. What I found out over the years, when I begin to pray for the person who hurts me, the person who triggers me, and I lift them up before the Lord and I, and I release them to the Lord, you– I literally give them to the Lord. I say, “Lord, I lift up…” Let's, let's call– let's make up a name here, Susan. “Lord, I lift up Susan… to you, Lord. Lord, I ask you just to touch her. Lord, I ask you to heal her, Father. I think she's, she's hurt, Father, inside. I don't understand what's going on with her, Father, but Lord, I turn her over to you. I put her into your hands, Father. Lord, I forgive her for her painful words. Lord, I forgive her but Lord, today I let go and I trust you with her. In Jesus’ name, amen.” And you can pray and then you get a release of this, this burden in you. 

And sometimes when you're around these toxic people and they get to you and they get in your skin, it's like you have– you have actually drank a little poison and you to get the poison out of your system. First, you forgive them. You forgive them and then you pray a prayer of release. You let go of them and turn them over to God. Now, let me say something real quick. If you've heard me do any podcast, forgiveness means I'm not going to take vengeance against you. I'm not going to hold this against you, I'm not going to hold this over your head, I let it go. What you did to me was inappropriate, what you said to me was wrong, it hurt me, but I forgive you. I'm not saying it's okay, but I forgive you. I'm not going to punish you for it, I'm releasing you to the Lord, and that's forgiveness. And then, and then you get peace in your life.

Remember, people have wounds and hurts, and hurt people hurt people, and hurt people will try to project their stuff on those around them, especially those closest to them. Unfortunately, when you have a toxic family member, their main targets are going to be what I call safe targets. So here you are, that loving, kind, compassionate Christian who's been in… you know, you've been a part of the family for many years and you're a target because you're safe. See, they're not going to dump this load on their boss or the next-door neighbor, they're not safe. But you're safe and so you catch it ‘cause you're a safe and easy target. But boundaries means you feel sorry for them, you have compassion on them, you let them own their behavior, you give ownership of their words and their actions to them regardless and they'll try to put it on you. You do not take ownership of somebody else's words, actions, and behavior. You take responsibility for your words, your actions, and your reactions. And when you do that and you learn to let go and let God have these unhealthy people, not only are you healthier and you respond in a, in a more Christlike manner, but they actually get healthier because these boundaries– they're not able to get away with your stuff and you're not part of the enabling process for them so. 

It's not easy and I know it's hard because you love them, you, you want them to change. You know, I really– I, I have a tendency– for years I wanted to fix people and the Lord showed me the reason I wanted to fix people was ‘cause I didn't like the way they were making me feel. And see, that's not a good reason to want to fix another person. As a matter of fact, drop the word fix. The word should be as Christians is how can I help or how can I serve another person? What can I do? And sometimes that takes prayer, and many times it means letting go and let God. So set your boundaries, do not take ownership of somebody else's garbage. Let them keep their garbage, in love. You take responsibility for your reactions and your actions and your words and your thoughts; and believe it or not, even in the midst of dysfunction you can still have fun and you can still live in peace and you can do it. And you know what - and then you're actually more Christlike. 

You know, I'm sure Jesus was really… didn't like a lot of the things that were being said about Him, you know, but He did not take on the words of the Pharisees. The Pharisees called Him all kinds of– they called Him a hypocrite, they called Him uh, a traitor, a, a traitor; they called– they accused Him of using the devil to cast out devils; um, you know, they, they call Him a blasphemer, I mean, it was a– awful stuff. But you don't see Jesus taking it on. Jesus let them own their own behavior and He did speak the truth to them but He spoke it in love, amen. 

So let's pray. Heavenly Father, thank you again for each person listening to this podcast. I pray this show is a blessing to them. Father, help us to know where we end and other people begin. Father, help us to love… love unconditionally, Father. But Father, help us not to react and take on the pain and the abuse of toxic people but to live in peace, to focus on you. F– like your word says, what is lovely, what is pure, what is of good report, to focus on these things; to live in the peace of the Holy Spirit, to love unconditionally. So Father, for each person listening to this show, I, I give them– we, we pray for strength, we pray for wisdom for this holiday season. I let your anointing touch them right now, Holy Spirit. Touch every person listening to my voice right now. Give them the wisdom to handle their family and how to love them unconditionally, and even how to love that toxic person but not receive their poison. I thank you, Father, for this season. I thank you for this opportunity. In Jesus' name, I pray. Amen, amen. God bless you, folks. Thank you for listening.

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All right, you did it. You listened to another episode of Self Talk with me, Dr. Ray Self. Thank you so much for listening. Hey, be sure and check out my website at icmcollege.org/selftalk. I also have another website at Buzzsprout. If you Google Dr. Ray Self with Self Talk, you– I come up all kinds of different ways, but I really appreciate if you would subscribe; that way we can keep you updated uh, and communicate with you. It also helps the show. Give me a review. Uh, reviews really help us get the word out. Every time there's a review, the show actually uh, somehow through Google Rankings actually helps our rankings, helps us reach more people. So reviews do help us a lot in Jesus’ name. I hope this show has been a blessing to you. My heart and my passion is my online bible college, online Spirit-filled seminary, International College of Ministry. Most of my students are mature leaders in the church who have never finished their degree but want to get an accredited, Holy Spirit-filled seminary degree. We have degrees in uh, ministry, theology, prophetic ministry, in Christian counseling, associates, bachelors, masters, and doctorate. We also take life credits, life experience credits, ministry credits, and any other college credit, so we give a lot of advanced placement. We're affordable, you work on your own schedule, you work on your own time, it's just, it's a, it's a good thing… and uh, International College of Ministry, icmcollege.org. Um, check it out, there's some free lessons on there if you want to sample it, try it before you buy it. If you say, “Hey, can you just tell me what it would take to get a degree?” Click Free Evaluation on our homepage. I'll tell you exactly what it takes to get a degree, what courses you'll need, and how much it'll cost you, how much credit you going to get. Anyway, lots of good stuff. I appreciate you listening to me. If you have an idea for the show or a topic or a question, email me, uh, drrayself@gmail.com. d r r a y s e l f @gmail.com. I appreciate you listening to my 148th episode of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. God bless you.