Spiritual Abuse

Wow, it's hard to believe, I'm getting ready to start my 174th episode of Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self. I appreciate you listening to today's show. I'm actually venturing into a new territory. I'm going to talk about a heavy-duty topic called spiritual abuse. Sadly, it goes on a lot more than people realize and you could be a victim of it without even knowing it, so stay tuned to this very important show. The show is brought to you by, or sponsored by the International College of Ministry, now enrolling at icmcollege.org. I appreciate you very much for listening to Self Talk. Be sure and share this with your friends. God bless you. Get ready, here we go.

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Spiritual abuse. What is it? Are you experiencing it? How do you know? Maybe you do know, don't know what to do about it. Let's pray. Heavenly Father, I thank you for today. I thank you for everyone listening to this show. I pray, Lord, for the Holy Spirit to, to lead me and speak through me and give me wisdom for this show, Father. And so Lord, I ask you to bless each one each one that's hearing this show and those that will listen to it now and in the future. Father, we give you praise and honor. In Jesus’ name we pray, amen. Amen. Spiritual abuse. Wow, what a term, what a term. You know…and, you know, what, what is it? What is spiritual abuse? Well, according to um, Google, it is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that occurs when someone uses a person's religious or spiritual beliefs to manipulate control, or hurt them. It can be a pattern of coercive or controlling behavior in a religious context that can have deeply damaging impact on the victim. Wow, that's heavy-duty. 

Well, you know, unfortunately, I have seen and experienced spiritual abuse over the years and I've been, been around a few years and uh, experienced a few things. Most of what I've experienced in the church I love and has been wonderful, but I've also experienced things that were not so good. Mainly good. The church is um, is the Lord's Church, you know, and um, Jesus said, “...upon this rock I build My church the gates of hell shall not prevail against it.” The church belongs to God and it is a holy, sacred place and it's an important place. However, because of the fallen nature of man and because of human nature and because of human tendencies, religion can be used to manipulate and control people in… with wrong motives. 

And let me explain…maybe give you examples of spiritual abuse. Maybe the first way to start this is to explain the effects of it because when a person is being spiritually abused, there's generally certain characteristics that happen or certain traits or symptoms of spiritual abuse. One of the main ones is condemnation, feeling condemned, um, guilty, feeling shamed, feeling confused. By the way, confusion always comes with control. Whenever there's a spirit of control, there'll be a spirit of confusion. Um, feeling like never measuring up, feeling like um, you have to earn your way with God, feeling like you're not good enough, you're not submissive enough, you're not, not holy enough, you're not religious enough, and, and it, and it goes on. 

Um, so what has happened over the years is people have twisted scripture and become abusive with it. Now I, I'll say this…in a way, I'm going to defend some of the perpetrators because I believe that many perpetrators of spiritual abuse do not realize that they're becoming spiritually abusive. A person, and maybe, let's just say a fictitious pastor, may have so much zeal over his beliefs that he turns that zeal into manipulation and control. His motive is to get people into a deeper relationship with God, but his methods end up being more of a coercion and manipulation. 

So one of the biggest areas of spiritual abuse I see is in the area of submission to authority. Submission to authority. Touch not God's anointed. And I have seen and witnessed and experienced church leaders elevated to such a position that they are untouchable. And unfortunately, when they, when they become untouchable, they become unaccountable. And when they become unaccountable, they become deceived. Almost every single time. This touched not God's anointed goes back to the biblical story of Jesus, um, I mean, not of Jesus, of David who actually was a type and shadow of Jesus, an ancestor of Jesus. David finds Saul in a compromising position in a cave and had an opportunity to kill Saul, but David did not want to kill Saul. Saul was King and he had respect for Saul, so he made this statement of touch not God's anointed. Well, this one little phrase taken out of context, touch not God's anointed– matter of fact, there's a funny part to that story. Uh, some historians believe that Saul was in a very compromising position, perhaps going to the restroom, when David came upon him in the cave. And David could have easily, you know, killed him. Anyway, that's just a theory, a theory…funny theory, amen. 

But this touch not God's anointed has just gotten to the point of ridiculousness. I have experienced ministers walking into a room and they feel their anointing is so strong they want to make sure that nobody touches them, that nobody gets near them or puts their hand on them because somehow that's going to pollute their anointing. Um, it's really, it's really crazy, but I've actually experienced that and seen that multiple, multiple times. Thinking about it now, it's almost laughable. Touch not God's anointed. Another thing that happens with this phrase, touch not God's anointed, is you cannot speak anything that may be considered um, critical of the church leader or maybe, maybe the pastor. I remember years ago, I was at a home group and we were just sitting around and talking and I made a comment that I was in disagreement, I didn't agree with one thing. And it was respectful. I didn't agree with one thing the pastor had said and you know, he made a comment that, you know, I thought was in error, you know? And I was respectful of the guy. I wasn't trying to condemn the guy, I just disagreed with him. Oh my goodness, the people in the home group jumped down my throat, “Touch not God's anointed. You do not speak against God's anointed, you will bring a curse on yourself. That's not sub– you're not submitting to his authority.” I went, “No, I, I just said I disagreed with him as a brother in Christ.” “Oh no, touch not God's anointed.” 

You see, that's almost abusive. So what they were saying was, no, you're, you're not allowed to speak anything that's contrary to this man. You're not even allowed to disagree with him ‘cause if you do, you're, you're violating a scriptural commandment and opening up a demonic doorway. This kind of stuff that, that's, that's spiritual abuse. And so this touch not God's anointed thing got so carr– and I saw it maybe back in the– show my age– back in the 80s and 90s it was very prevalent and it was to the point where the pastors became very much in charge of everything and they had no accountability because you were not allowed to touch them. And what not touch them meant: you were not allowed to even disagree with them or confront them on any issue. And it got, it got crazy. 

Then this God's anointed one turned into…there was a movement years ago and it, it even the influence of this movement went on for years, it was called the shepherding movement. And in the shepherding movement, the pastor became the– he was the anointed man of God and he was the shepherd of the sheep. That all sounds really good, right? However, it got extreme where the pastor was your spiritual authority and became more your authority in life. And so the church members will go to the pastor for every decision. “Pastor, is it okay with you if I take this job? Pastor, is it okay with you if I take my wife on a date?” Literally, I'm… “Is it, Pastor, is it okay with you uh, if, if I go see this particular movie?” It got crazy where you had to ask the pastor's permission to make sure that he was in agreement with everything that you did. And then um, it turned into you must serve the man of God, and so these pastors…uh, the church would mow their grass, do their laundry, clean their house, literally wait on them hand and foot because they were the man of God, they were the spiritual authority. And so to be under authority meant that you had to have the permission or the blessing of the pastor for everything you did in life. It was ridiculous. And it gave the pastor a tremendous amount of control which was not good, that's not what touch not God's anointed meant. 

And so this submission to authority has gotten carried away. Do I believe in submission to authority? Sure but do. I believe that um, what happened…well, let me explain it maybe a little bit different way. Submission to authority has turned, turned into more of a…elevating one person above another person. And yeah…I mean, there are people that you know, I respect people in authority. I respect pastors and bishops and uh, you know, evangelists and you know, I, I have, I show respect, I'm very respectful, amen. But I do not, but I also understand these people are my brothers and sisters in Christ and God's no respector of persons. He sees us all as equal. 

So what's happened with this submission to authority, is we have elevated some people to this high position and we take this lower position because they are above us. Well, see, true authority is not above you, true authority works with you to assist you and help you, and guide you. They can lead you, but it doesn't make, make them superior to you, and that's where it's gotten all, all twisted. Do I believe in respecting and honor, uh, pastors and teacher– yeah, I do, I do re– be– believe in respect and honor, but the authority issue can become abusive because then the man in authority or whoever, or the woman in authority, whoever it is has so much power over you because you have to submit, you have to submit, that they literally get away with anything. They get away with murder and you're not allowed to say anything because you have to submit because if you don't submit, you're, you're in violation of the word of God. Well, the truth is we should be submissive one to another and hold each other accountable. In other words, I should be able to talk to my pastor freely and openly, kindly, courteously, with courtesy and respect. 

So we have twisted this spiritual authority into an elevating somebody in control over you like your boss. He's your boss and you've got to be under your boss to have God's blessing, and that's abusive. That's not the way, that's not the way it is. We are brothers and sisters in Christ living together with respect and kindness and courtesy, okay? 

Now another form of spiritual abuse is taking scriptures out of context and using it to manipulate people. Now, I've seen people uh, I've seen people manipulated with all kinds of scriptures out of context. There's been um, taking scriptures out of context to manipulate and control people in the way they dress, uh, the way they talk, the way, the way they look. Taking scriptures out of context can be abusive. There is a spirit, I call it the religious spirit, and in this religious spirit, it's a spirit that's always telling you what you should do, what you shouldn't do, what you ought to do, what you can do, what you cannot do. It's a series, it's a, it's a, a spirit that has a whole bunch of rules and regulations, okay? And it's a very strict spirit. It's, it's, it's a spirit that focuses on the truth, nothing but the truth, but the spirit has no grace and no mercy, and no love. It's a rule oriented uh, spirit. And so there are some churches that are all rule-oriented. Well God… rules are good and truth is good, but the Lord was full of Spirit and truth, okay? The Spirit of God is grace and love, okay? 

So we need God's grace and we need God's truth, but if you have truth without grace, it can become legalistic and legalism produces tons of shame and condemnation, um, and guilt and can even manipulate you. So, but grace tells you that you are loved unconditionally. Grace is relational, grace gives you a relationship with God and relationship with other people. So the truth is, what we need is grace and truth working together, all right? So grace with no rules becomes licentiousness, which means you can do whatever you want to do, that's not good. But rules without grace becomes legalistic and spiritually abusive. I hope this is making sense. 

Um, I mean, there’re, there’re churchs out there, and I've experienced them and been around them, that have so many rules. I went to a church once that they had the rule that, you know, no jewelry is allowed in this church, okay? They take the scripture out of Corinthians out of context. I was to preach at that church on a Sunday morning, they asked me to take off my wedding ring, take off my wedding ring because no jewelry was allowed. And in the same church, that's where you'll see women are not allowed to cut their hair, that's taking a scripture again out of Corinthians out of context. Uh, no makeup, no makeup allowed, no jewelry allowed, uh, I'll give you a story about the jewelry. No, no jewelry, no makeup. It seemed like a lot of the rules had to do with women and Lord knows if a woman ever showed up to church with pants on, she'd be asked to leave. Couldn't wear pants to church. If you're a woman, you had to wear, you know, had to wear a long…long dress, it had to measure, so it had to be below the knee. Not, you know, and sometimes they even have rules as to how many inches the dress would be above the ankle and there had to be a minimum amount of inches or a maximum amount of inches the dress could be above the ankle. It was, it was just crazy. Um, and, and you have to abide by these rules and if you don't abide by these rules, something terrible is going to happen to you like lose your salvation. And these rules just make you feel constantly on edge, constantly stressed. 

And people, the…sometimes the preachers would throw scriptures at you. They would throw them at you. Um, you know, if you don't tithe, you're under a curse. Well, that's not, that's a little…taking a scripture out of context…just…Is giving a good thing? Absolutely. Is giving bountifully, generously a good thing? Absolutely. I used to tell my church I think tithing is the bare-bones minimum. Of course, in scripture tithing was never money, it was actually food and grain and that kind of stuff, but the principle of the storehouse of giving is, is, is good, is a good principle, amen. You know, I believe in generous giving, I think my giving well exceeds 10%. But see, people can use that to manipulate. And so taking the word of God to make you feel bad, to get you to do things against your will, or to coerce you is spiritual abuse. 

Now, the word of God should be adhered to. We used to call it beating somebody over the head with the Bible, taking the Bible, and beating people up with the Bible, okay? Um, oh, I tell you, here's a big one, um, wives submit to your husband, submit to your husband. Well, so you got a man who's beating his wife and the wife’s just supposed to stay there and take it because she's in submission to her husband. You see, I want to tell you something. I will counsel in a heartbeat anytime I see a woman being abused by her husband she needs to get out. I don't counsel divorce but she needs to get away from him. It's not God's will for a woman to be abused by her husband or a man to be abused either. It's not God's will for his children to be abused, period. 

So I've seen people take [the] word out of context like wives, submit to your husband which means that she is to stay with him no matter what he does to her. That's abusive, I mean, she's being abused by him and she's supposed to stay with him. And I've heard some horrible, horrible cases of abuse. I remember uh, just one story, a lady I knew very well that uh, her husband would come home drunk and she knew that– two things: was she never need– she always had to stay by a door, she never wanted to get trapped in the room with him because would start to hit her, and if he did start to beat her, she learned how to curl up in a fetal position to protect her body from being hurt so bad. But you know, she was submitted to him so she wasn't going anywhere because she was in submission to him even though he beat her, was drunk all the time, even threatened her with a gun, but she wasn't supposed to leave him because she was in submission to him. That's the word out of context, see that's not God's, that's not God's will. God doesn't love a marriage covenant more than He loves the people in the marriage if that makes sense– an institution.

So I guess you get my idea…if– maybe the good way to say this, if you're, if you're in a church or a spiritual situation where you feel constantly condemned or shamed or manipulated against your will, that's a very likelihood that you're being spiritually abused. Now, one of the ways to avoid spiritual abuse is to study the word of God for yourself and read, read these scriptures that they're using against you in context with how they were written, who they were written to, and in cont– and in context. Read the chapters before, the chapters after. Read the book before, the book after. Read the Bible in context and you'll see a whole new, whole new meaning to the word of God. In other words, people, you know, um, I've seen people twist scripture so– I could give you countless ways they twist it. Um, you know um, I was told… once uh, I began to speak in tongues, honestly, I did, I told that I was of the devil! That was of the devil! Well, I never heard a demon speak in tongues, why is that? “Because tongues have ceased!” Where is that? “1 Corinthians 13:8, well, when the perfect comes tongues shall cease. We have the canonization of scripture.” Well, that's, that's, that's not what that scripture is saying, and…And see, if scripture’s out of context that caused a lot of condemnation on me, amen. 

And so there's a million ways to twist scripture, take– The biggest thing is taking a scripture out of context and using it to force your way or to enforce a rule. But the bottom line is, when you are in a church, you should come out of church feeling better than when you went in. If you come out of that church feeling more condemned, more uh, full of shame and guilt then when you went in, something's wrong. What the Holy Spirit does is the Holy Spirit will convict you. He'll convict you but the Holy Spirit will never condemn you, put shame on you, or guilt on you because Lord Jesus took all that to the cross. He will not un– try to undo what Jesus did at the cross. The Holy Spirit will put a conviction in your heart if there's something you need to do differently but that conviction will not be full of guilt and shame and condemnation, that's what spiritual abuse does to you, amen.

Anyway, I hope this has made sense to you. I hope, I hope this has helped you some. I know it's a tough, tough subject and you know, um, if you feel like you're being spiritually abused, pray on how God would help you respond. I, I, I can tell you right now, it's not God's will for anyone to be abused, it is not God's will– you just think about this, it's not God's will for you to stay in an abusive situation. Do you want your children to stay in an abusive situation? God loves you more than you love your own children and He does not want you to be abused, amen. I appreciate you listening to the show. It's kind of a heavy-duty show today, wasn't it? It'll be all right. God bless you.

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Well, thank you again for listening to Self Talk with me, Dr. Ra Self. I appreciate you very much and um, you know, the bottom line is don't let yourself be abused. You, you are a joint air with Jesus Christ and your body is the temple of God. Love yourself enough not to allow yourself to be abused. Remove yourself from that abusive situation, amen. Again, please go to the website for the show, um, icmcollege.org/selftalk, and subscribe. Don't forget also to give me a review and share this show, it'll help me reach more people. That's all I want to do is just reach people. Uh, this show does not make money, um, it never has. Uh, a few uh, donations would really be helpful, so I'm not really doing it for the money, I'm doing it to try to bless people and I hope this show has been a blessing to you. I appreciate you very much listening today. This is Dr. Ray Self and God bless you.