The Christian Response to Toxic People

Narrator: Welcome to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, the place where you can get real answers to tough questions. Jesus promised you abundant life, but poor choices and dark forces stand in your way. It is time to learn how to overcome the obstacles that keep you out of your promised land. Knowledge of God will pave the path for you to walk in His blessing.

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Dr. Ray: Hello, welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. Today I want to talk to you about a serious problem that we've all faced and that is toxic people. And as Christians, I think it makes it even more complicated for us. We've all been around toxic people. People that tend to just poison our soul so to speak. So you know, what is a toxic person? How do we handle that as a Christian? You know, if I was just uh, a worldly guy, before I was saved I would just say “blank you,” and punch you out. But we can't– don't– can't do that as a Christian. And you know what I want to talk about is toxic people and boundaries. It's okay to set a boundary as a Christian. 

Do you remember the story of Jesus when they uh, decided they were going to take Him up to the edge of a cliff and throw Him off the cliff? I believe this was at Nazareth, and He said, “No, it's not My time,” and He just got out of there. In other words, Jesus didn't allow himself to be persecuted until He voluntarily - which is important by the way - He voluntarily went to the cross. So first off, let's talk a little bit about a toxic person and toxic relationships and then I want to do two episodes on how we, we handle that, okay? So toxic people. There's a lot of definitions. You can Google it all you want to, there's a lot of definitions. Toxic people tend to be narcissistic, self-centered, they don't care too much about your feelings. It's more about what they want, what they can get. They fight to win, you know, in arguments. What we're called to do is find godly solutions. No, no, no, not so much with a toxic person. They fight to win. In other words, they will sacrifice a relationship just to be right, okay? They're not concerned about your feelings. In other words, they will fight so hard to prove that they're right and you're wrong. They don't really care how much damage it does to the relationship. They're very, they don't apologize for their behavior, they don't take responsibility for their behavior. They may be manipulative, they may be controlling. Why do they do that? Well, they do that because they have issues down inside– deep inside– hurts, pains, things that are affecting them. They don't want to deal with it so they live external. When you're living external, you're more focused on what you want other people to do and the more you focus on other people, the more it allows you to avoid your own stuff, okay?

Um, you know, they're not necessarily bad people, they're just unhealthy people. But we're around them, okay? They can manipulate, they can use condemnation and shame. Um, then they do this thing called gaslighting. They try to convince you that your reality is not real. You know, one of the craziest things you can say to a person is this – now hear me – one of the craziest things you can say to a person is “You shouldn't feel that way.” I'm thinking, but I do feel that way. So to tell somebody they shouldn't feel what they feel is actually a denial of their reality. Do you understand what I'm saying? So a toxic person is not going to validate your feelings. They're not going to give value to your opinion. They've got, you know, they have issues. And we're around them. They could be in your family. It could be your spouse, could be a brother, could be a sister, could be a church member. Um, they– you’re, you kind of walking on eggshells when you're around them. You may feel– if you're in a close relationship with them that you might feel sad, lonely. There's unhealthy communication, there can be lying, they can be– make you feel mentally and emotionally drained. You can feel anxious, you can feel depressed, you don't feel respected. These are things that they– that these are what happens when you are around these kind of people.

Now let me tell you, I think you understand what a toxic person is and the problem with Christianity - well, there's not really a problem with it - but the problem with some Christians - and I was one of those - is that that I would tolerate and allow myself to be constantly exposed to bad behavior because I thought well, I have to forgive them, I have to turn the other cheek. You know, I have to be a good Christian. So what happened was because I was turning the other cheek and I was forgiving and I was loving, which is you know, forgiveness and love, it's all good. But I became a doormat and I allowed myself to be emotionally, emotionally abused, you know, many times. Actually many times because I felt like as a Christian, I needed to love and I needed to forgive. And I'm a very compassionate person but compassion doesn't mean you're a doormat. Compassion means you may show more mercy than other people, okay? You have, you have an ability, a wonderful ability, to show compassion. It's a great gift but sometimes compassionate people have trouble saying no and setting a boundary, you know? 

What is, what is a boundary? A boundary is knowing where you begin and where somebody else ends. Now, this is important because in actuality, if you're around a toxic person what you really need to understand is you are not responsible for their behavior. You're not responsible for another adult's words, actions, opinion, it's not your business. Now, it may affect you but you're– let me tell you something. My words are my business, my thoughts are my business, my reactions are my business, okay? That's my business. You listening to me right now, what you think, what you feel, what you believe, what you do, that's your business. And God holds each one of us accountable for our own business. But when you have trouble with boundaries, it becomes your business, becomes my business, and, and my business becomes your business. You see, there's no definitive line. Remember, a boundary is where I end and you begin so with toxic people, it's critical to know where you end and where they begin. In other words, because they're dumping a lot of garbage all the time and if you do not have a healthy boundary, knowing what belongs to you and knowing what belongs to them, their garbage is going to come right into your lap and it's going to get all over you and it's going to cause all kinds of bad stuff, okay? I am not responsible for another person's thoughts, I'm not responsible for another person's words, I'm not responsible for another person's actions. Now, I'm accountable to be a good person. I'm accountable, I mean, my job as a Christian is to be Christ-like. That's my job; and to react in a very Christ-like manner. That's my job and that's your job. If you're a Christian, if you're uh, saved, you're born again, our job is to be like Jesus, okay? And to be Christ-like. But I do not have and I do not want control over your mind and over your thoughts and over your words. Now this is very critical. 

Years ago, I worked in retail for you know, quite a few years, many– when I was younger. I guess being years ago I'd have to be younger, right? That's a good thing. And you know, if you've ever worked in retail, you can relate to this. When you're in retail, you runs– you run across all kinds of people. There's some– you'll have customers that are nice and friendly, you'll have customers that are absolutely horrible and you'll get accused of stuff. You'll have people you cannot please and you'll have people that you just, that you just wish would come back. You have people you wish would never step foot in your store again. But I learned this principle that what people think of me is none of my business. Why is that? Because I don't own their thoughts. My business is to, is a salesman. As a retail salesman, I was to be professional, I was to be courteous, I was to do my job to the best of my ability, okay? That was my job. Now, if these people were ugly and if they were rude, that was their business and they didn't bother me. So rude, ugly customers didn't bother me because I, I knew, I knew, you know, what– that's none of my business that's their garbage, not my garbage.

One day my manager came to me and he said “I don't understand why these, these customers, these horrible customers, they never upset you.” And I said, “Because what people think of me, it's none of my business.” And he looked at me strange but I think he kind of got it. And you see, being around toxic people, you have to get this down in your heart. Their horrible behavior  – and it is toxic – it's not your business. Don't drink their poison. It's not poison for you, it's poison for them. It's poison for their soul, you do not have to drink their poison. God holds them responsible for their toxicity, God holds them accountable for their actions. People hold you accountable for your reactions but as Christians, we can forgive them. We can love them. 

You see, Christian love doesn't mean you like a person, it means you treat a person with kindness and respect with no conditions or strings attached. That's what Christian love is. Love is an action word but when you're around a toxic person, it is perfectly okay to say you know, “I hear what you're saying but I choose not to be around this right now. As long as you talk this way, I will not be able to talk to you. God bless you,” hang up the phone, walk into the other room, or whatever it is. When you set a boundary and go, “You know what, I do not want to be around this. I do not want to hear this. I do not want to be exposed to this,” and that is okay. Jesus did not want to be persecuted before His time. It is okay to say “no.” Now, when you're around a toxic family member, maybe it's Thanksgiving or Christmas, it is difficult. I mean, they're your family. Or maybe it's your spouse, it's a very difficult – especially if it's your spouse – it's a very difficult situation. You need to get help, you need to get professional help as soon as possible. But what I do when I am forced to be around toxic people – I have no choice – is I practice my boundaries. I remember that their words belong to them, not me. God's going to hold them accountable for their actions. It's not my business, it has nothing to do with me even though they're saying ugly things to me. It really has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with them. That's what boundaries are. They may be calling you every name in the book. You know what, this is– I heard, I learned this years ago. This is a powerful thing. When somebody toxic is saying ugly words to you, one way you can respond is to say this: “Hmm, so you think this about me. I'm very sorry you feel that way. I'm sorry you feel that way.” You see, what I'm doing is I'm allowing them to have ownership of their opinion and I'm letting it be known I am not receiving it. “I'm sorry you feel that way, I'm sorry you choose to act this way, I'm sorry you have that opinion,“ okay? And you can set healthy boundaries with toxic people. 

A boundary is what– it's a, it's a line. It's a line in the sand. It's a, it's a fence, it's a wall, it's what you want to– A boundary is what you own; a boundary defines what belongs to you. And their toxic behavior– I don't care if you're married to them, if, if your pastor, somebody in your church, your sister, your brother, their toxic behavior does not belong to you. Please, listener, get this in your spirit. Their toxic behavior does not belong to you. Now, they may be trying to place it on you but it is not yours; it doesn't belong to you. It is their behavior, it is their words, it is their opinion, it is their thoughts, and it is sad that they have– are so negative and so critical. You see, one of the things about uh, being around a toxic person is you can never please them. No matter what you do, you never measure up. There’s constant criticism. Um, you're not valued, you're not validated. That's what happens with toxic people. And it is tragic. It is tragic that they act this way. And so the healthy response for a Christian is to have maybe compassion on them. This way: You know, I am compassionate toward this person who has these horrible, this horrible attitude, this horrible uh, lifestyle, this horrible behavior. I really feel sorry for them, I, I grieve for them. But I'm not receiving whatever they're trying to dump on me, whatever garbage they're trying to hand me; it's not my stuff. Even if they're trying to, to make it about me, it's not about me, it's about them. 

See, I know what the Lord thinks of me. I know who I am in Christ and that keeps me secure. So to be around a toxic person, it– that is a place where you have to know who you are, know your boundaries. Again, a boundary is simply what defines you, what belongs to you, and what does not belong to you. It's your, it's your limit. My thoughts right now, what I'm saying right now, my words right now, these are Ray Self's words. When you're listening to me, whoever's listening to me right now - I hope you're listening to me - what you think, what you feel right now belongs to you. Now, you could call me or email me - and I wish, I wish you would. You could call me, email me, and you could tell me how you feel and I will have concern over that but I'm not going to take ownership of that.

See, enabling is when I take ownership and I go, “Oh wow,” and I start receiving the garbage and I receive the poison, I drink the poison and I take it in, all I'm doing is feeding the problem. But saying “No” and not receiving it, not only are you helping yourself but you're helping the person with the toxic behavior. You're helping them by setting a limit and saying, “No, I will not receive this.” Now, honesty, enabling also means allow a person to suffer their natural consequence. So if a person is acting awful, the natural consequence of that would be you don't want to be around them, you don't want to talk to them, you don't want to be exposed to them. That's okay. That is perfectly okay because that's a natural consequence. And perhaps when they begin to suffer the consequence of their behavior, losing friendships, people do not want to be around them, they're not– people are not listening to their stuff, nobody's receiving their manipulation and guilt and shame anymore, perhaps they might seek help. But as long as they can get away– now, now hear me carefully. As long as they can get away with it they will continue. But this is the problem, and a lot of, and I've heard some counselors say this and it really bothers me, “Well, they only do it because you let them do it.” You ever heard that? “They only do it because you allow it”? That's baloney. Never receive that, okay? Now that irritates me. I do not control other people, people do what they do because they choose to do it and they don't do it because of me, they do it because this is their choice. People choose their words, they choose their actions, okay? They're not doing it because I allow them to do it, they're doing it because they choose to do it.

Now maybe I need to get better about not receiving it, maybe I need to get better about hanging up the phone, maybe I need to get better about distancing myself from them, maybe I need to get better about my own self-esteem, blah, blah, blah. But to say people do stuff because you allow it is not true. People do stuff because they choose it and just because you don't have healthy boundaries, maybe you have un– maybe you don't even know how to set a boundary, that does not excuse them. Just because you– maybe you are a doormat because you haven't learned, you know, because you haven't learned otherwise or you haven't been able to, to get the strength to overcome that, and that's okay. We're all work in progress. But even if you're the world's biggest doormat, it does not excuse a toxic person from dumping toxic stuff on your lap, you hear me? So never let somebody say, “Well, they only act that way because you let them do it.” Baloney. And if I was in the world, I would say something stronger. Okay. People do stuff because they do stuff, okay? Amen.

So, to set a healthy boundary and not receive poison from somebody dishing out poison is a Godly thing to do. It's an appropriate thing to do. Boundaries can be dismantled. Now, you can set a boundary by, I'm listening to this person spill out all this toxic stuff and I know in my heart that this is their, their opinion. This is their words. And I let them own it. I don't receive a word of it. That's a boundary. Maybe you can't do that when you're face to face with them and you just need to remove yourself as much as possible from them. You don't need to pick up the phone, you don't need to hear them, you need to limit your exposure and that's okay too. That's okay too. If you can't get away from them, even if it's your spouse, whatever, you can get to the point where you know their actions are account– they are responsible with their actions to God, you are not responsible for their actions. A really simple way to put it is this: If I pick up a stone and I throw it at you, I did that and I'm responsible for the damage. If you pick up the stone and throw it back, you're responsible for that damage, okay? That's just the way– that's the way boundaries work. I'm responsible for my behavior, I'm responsible for my thoughts, I'm responsible for my words. You are responsible for what you think, for what you say, and for what you do if you're a responsible adult, you hear me?

So boundaries means I know– I have a clear, I have a clear limit. I know what belongs to me and what belongs to the toxic person and the toxic person - God bless their heart - they have a lot of poison. And you know what, I'm gonna let them keep their poison. I will not receive it, even if they are determined to put upon me, I'm literally going to think to myself, wow they are really toxic, and it's really pitiful and sad that they feel the way they feel and I might get on my knees and pray for the Lord to heal them. That is a healthy Christian response to a toxic person, do you hear me? And I hope this show has meant something to you. 

I really appreciate all my subscribers and my listeners. Thank you so, so much. I've got a couple of books I think would help you. My first book I wrote is called Redeeming Your Past and Finding Your Promised Land. You know, there's a lot of healing in that book. A lot of healing, a lot of– it's my personal story. And if you've got a prophetic bend in your life, a prophetic gift, get my book, Hear His Voice, Be His Voice. Both those books are available on amazon.com I really, really appreciate you. If you'd like to donate to the ministry, I've got a 501c3 called Spirit Wind Ministries Inc. We do business with International College of Ministry; go to icmcollege.org/donate, I’d appreciate that. icmcollege.org/donate. God bless you, I don't want to do an infomercial, I just pray for anybody listening to me if you're involved in a toxic relationship or you're around toxic people. Holy Spirit, I ask You to teach my listeners. Teach them how to set healthy boundaries and know what belongs to them and what does not belong to them. In the name of Jesus. Amen. Thank you for listening. This is Dr. Ray Self. God bless you.

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