Value and Illegitimacy

Narrator: Welcome to Self Talk with Dr. Ray Self, the place where you can get real answers to tough questions. Jesus promised you abundant life but poor choices and dark forces stand in your way. It is time to learn how to overcome the obstacles that keep you out of your promised land. Knowledge of God will pave the path for you to walk in His blessing.

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Dr. Ray: Hello and welcome to Self Talk. I'm your host, Dr. Ray Self. So glad you joined me today, or tonight, or this morning, whenever you're listening to this show. We are sponsored and covered in prayer by the International College of Ministry, a fully accredited online college, enrolling now. Very affordable, hardship scholarships are available at icmcollege.org, icmcollege.org. So I want to talk to you about another important topic, I touched on it in my last show, and this is called value and illegitimacy. See, what happens to us when our connections fail, when we are disconnected, when we are a child and young, our most valuable connection is our mother and our father. Out of that connection, that is where our identity is formed, our security, our affirmation, our comfort, our nurturing, and of course, as we grow, we gain wisdom and knowledge from this connection with our parents. This connection is meant to be intimate, it is meant to be affirming, it is meant to be loving, it is meant to be unconditionally loving and acceptable. This is the connection that we all need. Unfortunately, as you know, sometimes this connection doesn't work out too well because of various levels of dysfunction in our family.

We are designed for connection. Our spiritual and emotional well-being depends on connection. The Lord said in the book of Genesis, I think it's very important for us to visit that right now, Genesis 2:18, “Then the Lord said, ‘It is not good for a man to be alone;’” “‘It is not good for a man to be alone; I will make a suitable helper for him.’” And then of course, we go down Genesis 2:24, “For this reason, a man shall leave his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and they shall become one flesh.” Connected we need that connection. Jesus spoke many times repeatedly about Him and His Father are one. They are connected. When Jesus was baptized, the story goes that “a voice came from heaven and said ‘This is my Son in whom I am well pleased.’” That's known as the Father's affirmation. It confirmed Jesus. It was God saying “I'm proud of you, son; I love you, son, and nothing can change that; and this is who you are, you are my son.” It's affirmation. We need this from our parents, we need this intimate, affirming, value-creating connection with our parents, and then later in life, we need that from other people. 

Now Jesus said, I mean the Lord said it's not good for a man to be alone. I know some of you listening are single out there and you don't have a spouse, you don't really have right now that intimate connection in your life. Marriage is intended to be an intimate connection that replaces the father and mother. You notice in verse 24 He said “for this reason a man shall leave his father and mother…” So the nurturing the connection, the bonding, and the value that he has gained so far in life came from his father and mother and now we have a wife and they become one flesh. We are not designed to be alone, we're not designed- what's the um, the famous writer who said “no man is an island”? We're not created- we are created for connection. The book of Ephesians talks a lot, and Corinthians, about one body, one body. The um, Ephesians talks about every joint that supplies connectivity. The bible speaks repeatedly about connectivity. This desire for intimate connection, affirmation, is huge and it really causes a lot of wonderful things and a lot of bad things. 

When this intimate bonding connection is not there, through, through your parents or maybe even through your, through your loved ones, people will look for many illegitimate ways to find their worth and value and I call this an open door for the spirit of illegitimacy. The spirit of illegitimacy is that spirit that questions you, that comes to you and goes are you really… matter? Do you matter, are you worthy, are you acceptable? And because of these voices in our heads, we will work our whole life to prove our value, to prove our worth; and unfortunately, we get into these various traps of trying to prove our value by our intelligence, our appearance, our performance, our money, our achievements, our titles, our positions. We say that a lot in church and this is all driven by the spirit of illegitimacy.

But see, this deep desire and need to be connected is what God created us to have with our parents. With our mother, with our father, this deep connection. And out of this connection comes value and worth, affirmation, confidence, the feel good, all the feel good stuff about yourself, this I can do it personality; a lot of people don't get that. Now as Christians, we're very blessed because we have that. Now if you have enough faith to believe we have that, now through our Heavenly Father we were baptized and born again as a new creation and this new creation is a joint heir with Jesus Christ. We become adopted into the family of God, okay? Into the lineage of Abraham. So we have value and worth but a lot of people struggle trying to get that down inside, to get that is where there's a difference between what you may know intellectually than what you experience vitally, okay? So there's a, there's always a problem of getting knowledge into your heart where it can change your life. Of course, the bible addresses that too since faith comes by hearing. So the more you hear it, the more you believe but what I'm trying to tell you today is we need to be connected. We desire, we have to be connected.

This intimate connection- I talked about in the last show…how incredibly wonderful it is when you find that person that you are friends with. Maybe it's, it doesn't always have to be a spouse like someone you're deeply in love with, but you find that person who can see you, who knows you, who gets you inside and out; and you, you have a relationship with that person. Maybe, you know, just a friendship with that person. But there's this need to be seen and connected in a very close way with other people. Now again, I want to clear the air. You got to be careful. That doesn't mean everybody you see, it means we're designed to be connected with certain people in intimate ways. Now, the, the most intimate connection would be between the husband and wife, the second most intimate connection would be between parent and child. Third I would rank maybe brothers and sisters, fourth I would say best friends. But these connections, a healthy connection is the connection where you are valued, you are affirmed, you are esteemed, you are encouraged, made to feel okay, and you feel safe. 

And we need this, we need this for our mental health, our emotional health, even our spiritual health. Everybody wants to be a part of something. This is why clubs are so important. Oh, especially the exclusive clubs, you know, the exclusive country club. You know, I live in Winter Park, Florida. To be a member of Winter Park Country Club would be something really special because that human desire to be a part of something, to be a member of a guild or a club or a fraternity or a society, we crave that. It all stems from this need to be connected. And you think about, here we are in the world. People will get their value or some of their value- a lot of their value from their connection with groups.; well, I am a member of this fraternity, I am a part of this club, I am a part of this society, I am a part of this uh, you know, I, I'm in the honor society, I am, you know, I'm a member of this particular accrediting council or whatever it is. It all is a desire that we have to be connected, to be a part and to get value. Think about it, all these people who have these various um, associations behind their name- I am a member of the Rotary Club and the Lions Club and I am a member, you know, of the Honor Society. All this adds value and worth and also it is a connection, it is a connection.

But truthfully, it doesn't do the job. We crave it, we want that. We need value, we need affirmation, we need worth, and we crave- young people very sadly will join a gang for the affirmation and value it appears to give them. And all this is false. It never really satisfies. It's kind of like eating Chinese food. You ever notice it when you eat Chinese food it's like an hour later you're still hungry? I love Chinese food but all these attempts to find value through our connections- matter of fact, there's an old expression, “oh, that guy, he's connected.” What does that mean? He knows some important people, therefore he is powerful, he is important because he knows important people. To be a member of a winning team. If you're a member of a, of a winning basketball team or a winning football team. All this has to do with our need to be connected, to be a part of something and to have value.

Where this should have come from is from our parents, and affirmed and valued unconditionally. See, when you have unconditional value, then you can become a part of things but you don't need outside organizations to give you value. You have value internally; it is inside of you, it becomes a core value. Some people have what I call negative core values and they have these negative opinions of themselves and they strive and strive and strive to overcome that. The ultimate connectivity, intimate connection that we are called to have is a connection with the Lord Jesus Christ, and the only way you're going to have that intimate connection which we all have to have to feel good about ourselves to be affirmed, it comes through the Holy Spirit. It comes through walking with the Holy Spirit, understanding in your head, and getting it into your heart you are affirmed and loved and valued, and appreciated unconditionally by God.

Now, it's nice when you can get it from your spouse, your brother, your sister or your best friend. Maybe you had it so strongly from your parents that you're okay. But even with that, we still need the Father's affirmation from God. Jesus needed it before he went into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil. We have a deep-seated desired- desire, excuse me, not desired, desire for intimate connection. If that desire or need is not met, people do many counterfeit things, unproductive things, valueless things to try to meet that need. And what happens is they're literally putting band-aids on it and everything they do only satisfies temporarily for a short period of time and they never have enough, and they keep seeking and seeking and seeking more and more and more value. I see this a lot with athletes that get their affirmation, their value through winning at a particular sport. Then when they quit winning or they get too old to play, they're in big, big, big trouble.

We have a deep-seated inner desire to be valued and loved unconditionally, that our opinions matter, our thoughts matter, our feelings matter, our desires matter, our needs matter, and we need somebody in our life to understand that and help meet those needs. God is that person and fortunately, God will send people into your life to help you with that but the ultimate answer is always God. However, God knows as human beings we're not designed to be alone so we need that intimate connection also with people and it's not always to get it. You know, we should have had it from our parents; hopefully, you did, that intimate connection. Then after we, we leave the mother and father, we should have the intimate connection with our wife, with our spouse. If we're single or divorced we must get that intimate connection only through God and maybe a best friend. But the desire is huge to be connected intimately. To be known fully is a basic human need.

My plea to you is don't try to meet it in counterfeit ways. You're not going to find it through a club, an organization or accomplishment or performance, you'll never find it. It'll only give you a temporary fix. It comes from God. And also pray for God to send people that will love you like He loves you, and value you like He values you and understand you like He understands you. We have a need for this, do not give the spirit of illegitimacy an open door to come into your life. This spirit is bad news, it causes a lot of damage, insecurities, fear, anxiety, performance mentality, never measuring up. It attacks Christians, especially leaders. The spirit of illegitimacy is a major scheme of the devil against most Christians but our value and our worth comes from a Father, a loving Father who through the Holy Spirit, confirms His will, His word, His desire for us. And then because of His graciousness, He can send people into our life who can also affirm us and know us and appreciate us, and be there for us, no strings attached. We must be connected, it's a basic human need. It is not good, it is not good for man to be alone. 

I hope this has made sense to you today. It's not going to be a really long podcast but let me, let me pray for you. Heavenly Father, I lift up every person listening to my voice right now. Father, people listening to me that feel disconnected and alone and are suffering depression as a result, I thank you, Father, we are connected to each other because we are the body of Christ. Father, help us to, to grow up and affirm and reaffirm these connections, reach out to one another, open up to one another, and get these connections solid, Father. Lord, help us to learn how to love and comfort and confirm each other unconditionally, Lord. But Lord, also most of all help us to know You. Give us, Father, the revelation of your intimate, unwavering, unconditional love and acceptance for all of your children, even with our failures and our strengths and our weaknesses, you still love and accept us just as we are. Father, we need that, we crave that and I pray right now for each person listening to my voice that you will feel connected, not disconnected. Connected. No more illegitimacy, loneliness, disconnect, but connected. You are connected to your Father God and Lord will send people into your life to be connected with them as well, only to confirm God's love for you. In Jesus name I pray, amen.

Well, thank you for listening today. Pretty heavy topic today. I really would appreciate it if you check out my website, icmcollege.org. That's the school that I founded, that's my college. We're a Holy Spirit-filled online school. You know what I do is I just equip, people, I train people for the ministry. My most popular major is Christian counseling. Our Christian Counseling program, we deal with some heavy stuff, you know, counseling PTSD, uh, counseling victims of sexual abuse, divorce recovery, healing the memories, trauma, crisis counseling, all that stuff, with the help of the Holy Spirit. You can even sample stuff for free, take some free lessons on our course- we even got a study now enroll later program, all kinds of cool stuff. Icmcollege.org, appreciate you, if you feel led to donate, that would always be great, that's icmcollege.org/donate. I love you much, thank you so much, God bless you, this is Dr Ray Self.

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Dr. Ray: The International College of Ministry is a Holy Spirit-filled fully online accredited seminary. Listen to this amazing testimony from Ron from Biloxi, Mississippi.

Ron: Well what does ICM mean to me? I've learned more about who I am in Christ and how I relate to the Holy Spirit who lives within me. I've gained more confidence in my roles at church as a marriage and family pastor. I thank God for ICM and the passion for helping students grow and learn such as me.

Dr. Ray: At the International College of Ministry, we are accredited and fully online. That means you take your courses anytime you want. You set your own schedule, your own time frame, you can do them early in the morning, late at night, it's totally up to you. We are now enrolling at icmcollege.org. Icmcollege.org. Mention this podcast in the comments section of your application and I will give you 10% off your entire tuition. God bless you.