How Eldest Daughters with Chronic Illness Can Balance Life, Business, and Boundaries

Transcript

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A quick note before we begin.

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Some of the topics in this episode may be sensitive or triggering.

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Please listen with care and remember it's okay to pause.

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Skip or seek support if anything feels overwhelming.

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Also, the information shared here is for educational and informational purposes only.

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Coaching, like the guidance shared here in this episode, focuses on self reflection and actionable steps.

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And it's meant to be therapeutic, but not medical or therapy support.

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Your well being is the priority as you listen.

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So take care.

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Welcome to Business with Chronic Illness, the globally ranked podcast for women living with chronic illness who want to start and grow a business online.

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I'm your host, Nikita Williams, and I went from living a normal life to all of a sudden being in constant pain with no answers to being diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses and trying to make a livable income.

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I faced the challenge of adapting traditional business advice to fit my unique circumstances with chronic illness, feeling frustrated and more burnt out than I already was while Managing my chronic illness to becoming an award winning coach with a flexible, sustainable online coaching business.

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I found the surprisingly simple steps to starting and growing a profitable business without compromising my health or my peace.

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Since then, I've helped dozens of women just like you learn how to do the same.

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If you're ready to create a thriving business that aligns with your lifestyle and well being, you're in the right place.

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Together, we're shifting the narrative of what's possible.

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for women with chronic illness and how we make a living.

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This is Business with Chronic Illness.

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OK, so so excited about this episode.

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We are going to be talking about being an eldest daughter.

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living with chronic illness and running a business.

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I have been so excited about talking about this.

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I've been thinking about this, and it's so interesting how I've been really dealing with this in my therapy session.

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Like, it is for real.

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We have Nikkei on the show, but first, before we, like, do an introduction, I want us to just, why is being an eldest daughter, running a business, and living with chronic illness, like, the triple whammy of life?

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stress sometimes, like seriously.

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And it's so interesting because, oh, the triple whammy of it all at the core Crux eldest daughters, there is a sense of duty and obligation for other people outside of family, for co workers, for friends, for strangers that you don't even know.

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And so throw in that now business owner, and that's clients or customers.

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And then on top of that, if you have that chronic illness, Then, with a chronic illness, you have to take stock of yourself, what is your body saying, but that is sometimes so blurred as an eldest daughter because you're too focused on everybody else that you're missing the warning signs or the messages that your body's sending you.

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So then you compound all three of those together and it's like, it can be this messy soup that's in a pressure cookie cooker and just is building up pressure.

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And

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so if you don't use tools to help you work through releasing that pressure over time before it builds up too much, it can create a storm in your body, in your life, in your business.

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And so, yeah, those three things together can be really lethal if it goes unchecked.

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Hmm.

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I mean, that alone, just like.

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That's my drop off.

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Can we get an amen?

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Can we get a like, yes, please say that again?

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Like, somebody understands this.

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Yes.

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It's like, tell the people in the back.

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Okay.

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Say it again for them.

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Because everyone who's not an eldest daughter is like, I don't get it.

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I don't know what you mean.

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Like, I don't understand.

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Like, it's really not that big of a deal.

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Just say no.

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You're just like, wait, wait, wait a minute.

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It's how to go.

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Mm hmm.

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Right.

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Mm hmm.

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Mm hmm.

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Okay, so before we like dive even more in, please introduce yourself and tell us, like, how did we get to this niche of a business and what you do?

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Yes.

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So hi, everyone.

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I am Nii Kayla Modi, and I'm a certified coach who helps eldest daughters create healthy relationships with other people without sacrificing their time, their money or their desires.

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And I am a firstborn eldest daughter, Nigerian American.

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And so this niche was not blatantly loud in my face.

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Let's just say that.

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I was looking on helping everybody else, obviously.

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I mean, I went from women in general to then moms.

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I mean, all these different places.

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But this was not blatantly loud until it was basically told to me like, no, this is who you need to help.

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And that's when everything started connecting.

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And my story, I was like, it's been here the whole time.

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And not even realizing that clients I had been working with were eldest daughters.

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And so, This started like all the way back, well, I feel like what triggered the start of my healing journey as an eldest daughter was in 2021.

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I was on the second leg of caregiving.

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I caregave for my first step, my first parent, my dad, who passed in 2018, and I was caregiving for my mom.

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Thank you.

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In 2021, and what triggered it was just being fed up.

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I was angry.

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I was so angry.

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It was palpable in my body.

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Like, I felt triggered that why do I look around at my siblings, my peers, my friends, and everyone is pursuing their dreams, getting the house, having the kids, getting married, living abroad, doing the thing.

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And I'm still here not pursuing any of the things that I desire to do because I keep sacrificing time, money, desires for other people.

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And it wasn't bad, like you want to show up and take care of your loved ones, but at what cost?

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I was so depressed and was having really dark thoughts and was really, really angry.

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And so through a series of different decisions, I learned that I need to change my relationships, but specifically how I show up in those relationships.

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And once I worked on that, I That's when things started to shift and change.

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And when I looked back at what skills served me to be able to actually sustain this, even three years later, it came down to like four specific eldest daughter skills, like I like to call them.

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And so that's how I kind of like arrived towards this specific group of people, but also understanding like what we need in order to create the harmony that we deserve in our life.

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Yeah,

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it is.

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Okay, so when I think about this, because I remember me and you and a couple of, like, several other amazing women were in a room together and we were having this conversation about, just like our marketing, our niche, and all that kind of stuff with our businesses.

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And I remember I think I was sitting next to you.

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You were.

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And you were like telling me this stuff and what you do and I was like, that sounds really good.

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And then I was like, but are you that?

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Like, I just remember being like, is that?

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Wait a

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minute.

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I'm confused.

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Yes.

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She called me out in the best way, y'all.

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The best way.

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I needed that.

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But it was like, when we, like, I feel like when it came to it, I was like, but I feel you, like, I feel connected to what you're saying.

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And it was like an identity, even a wake up for moment for me in that moment of being like, oh, there is a different way of being as a human being.

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Like when you're born into this world as the oldest, like there really is.

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Yeah.

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Especially as a woman of color and especially as a being.

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Like from a family that's multicultural, like it's definitely a thing.

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And I just remember thinking, Oh my gosh, this is going to be amazing.

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Because I never heard of anything or anyone talking about this or even, you know.

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making it be a thing, right?

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Because not everybody in the world can relate to this.

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And so, obviously, I want to put this caveat in here too.

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If you're an eldest daughter and you don't have or feel any of these pressures, girl, I am like clapping for you right now, right now.

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I'm clapping for you, okay?

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I'm like, can you give me your number so we can talk, so I can learn something?

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I'm not one of those people.

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I am very much, very similar to you of like, point in my life where I felt like I'm, I think I'm probably in it now, where I'm like, I'm resentful.

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I'm mad.

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Like, why am I resentful?

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Why am I mad?

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Like, and it's not, it's not from a place of not loving people.

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It's not from a place of not wanting to be there for people.

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It's a place of being tired.

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of being the only or being seen as there is no other option and why wouldn't you do this?

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Like the expectation that I am not also a human being too and have needs and I need to articulate those boundaries, right?

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And so to your point, we add this into the layers of having a business.

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We ain't even got to the chronic illness part.

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You don't see how you're doing these same elder starter characteristics, but you bring them into your business and I think it amplifies it because you're getting paid.

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Like the exchange of money feeling of like, I'm getting paid and so now I'm even more responsible.

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So let's start from that angle, from like business as an elder starter.

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What warning signs are there that we need to be like, Aware of just aware.

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I feel like I'm just going to go with the top three that came so fast to my head.

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One, this idea to save your clients or customers, like, I have to save them.

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Like the everything is an emergency or very urgent.

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So they send you an email.

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Hey, just wanted to let you know I need to reschedule our session.

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You drop everything to respond.

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Go to your calendar.

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Check like when.

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Is that the business hours you put in your contract that you were available to receive a response?

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Did you say you have 48 hours to respond?

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So if you feel like there's always this need to save your clients or your customers in any way, everything becomes urgent, that's a sign.

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The second one is like this ability that you have to earn their validation and earn their praise, because to you it's connected.

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Some people it may be worth, but some people it may be the validation of your authority and credentials.

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So you're constantly trying to over, you can over deliver, but without sacrificing yourself.

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So like you're trying to earn it, like doing the most, making these promises, just saying whatever comes out because, Oh, this sounds good.

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Maybe then that they will say this and this, and then I will feel like, okay, I actually am supposed to be doing this, or I am credentialed enough, or I am good enough, like I say in my marketing.

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So this, this sense of trying to earn the praise and validation.

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And then the other thing I think about is just people pleasing, like just not simply saying that's not what I offer in my coaching package, or that's not one of the services that are in my a la carte instead of like, and we can have nuance.

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Like Nikita shared, like you can decide, Oh, I've never thought about offering that as a service.

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Instead of saying, you know what, I don't offer that, but give me some time to think about that and I can get back to you.

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Instead of people pleasing, be like, oh, absolutely, I can make that happen.

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And in your mind, you're like, how am I going to do this?

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I'm already at capacity right now.

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So there's two different ways that that happens.

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One is a healthy way that honors you and the client.

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And another one is like honoring the client, but not honoring you.

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And so

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I feel like if you're doing like those top three things, then You have some issues with your eldest daughter mentality that you've been accustomed to, you've had to adapt to in your family to survive, that is bleeding into how you show up as a business owner.

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And when Nikita was sharing about when you think about the exchange of money and how that comes with more like responsibility, I literally was like, I just got this exposed and coaching with my money coach of me thinking I was serving people for free for too long.

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Because I was like, the moment they pay me, I have to be perfect.

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She was like, wait, what?

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And I was like, yeah, I have to be able to solve everything, do everything, and just be perfect.

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I don't want to let them down.

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And that's one of my biggest fears is letting people down, whether they're my family or not.

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And so really like that eldest daughter narrative was bleeding into my cells and affecting my cells and affecting.

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And she said, no, your identity just needs to be I get my clients results, not I need to be perfect when someone gives me an exchange of money.

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So that's another like side off where your eldest daughter narratives, if they are unchecked in a healthy way, can bleed into your business and affect you.

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Oh, man.

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I mean, come on, y'all, come on, wait, come on, right, like, like, like, that's just a real all of all, all three, four of those things, right?

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Like money is my money in general is kind of like my I work a lot on my money mindset because I have a lot of drama on money mindset.

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I have a lot of growing up around thinking about money.

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And also just because my family growing up was very much like, you want to figure out how to figure this out.

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Like if you need it and you want it, you want to figure it out.

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I've had a job since I was 14 on top of being the oldest daughter on top of paying or taking care of some things in the household because that's, that's where we are.

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So I always think through money lens.

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So as an elder starter, I definitely saw that immediately in my business where I'm like money.

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It was more.

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like the exchange of money added more pressure, but I knew I needed the money.

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So it was always like that first in my brain.

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So the perfection came after you paid me, right?

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The thoughts about being perfect.

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Yeah.

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But it is so interesting that those things affect us so much just thinking the way that we think.

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What like else, when it comes to people pleasing, I think people think, specifically women, that It's okay to do it sometimes.

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And as an oldest daughter, I think there's this expectation that we're supposed to do it all of the time towards our family, like, specifically family.

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And I don't, I don't know how this applies to anyone who's the only daughter I can imagine.

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But if you are the eldest daughter of multiple children, the expectation is that you carry all of the responsibility for all of the things that happen or don't happen, right?

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And so you almost get into a habit of people pleasing and don't even realize that it's showing up in other places of your life.

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What are those things look like?

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Like, what did, what does that look like?

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I do want to say, too, that, and I learned this from a therapist online, Matthias, I think his last name's Baker, but people pleasing is more about you, it's your ego, it's not about the other person, like, we're people pleasing because we want to control the narrative, we want to control people's perception of us, what they think, and we want to be able to feel in control of if they're happy, then things are not uncomfortable, it's not uncomfortable.

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conflict, I feel good.

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But what we don't realize it's like you're just chasing a dopamine hit.

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It goes away.

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And then now you're still in your head of, okay, now I have to get ahead, anticipate, manage the next thing to keep this person or to or try to keep this person in our mind, happy or satisfied or okay, or that I'm doing a good job.

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And so it ends up being like this hamster wheel.

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And so I feel like when you're people pleasing, like, you are constantly thinking about, before you answer that, yourself, before you're actually thinking about the other person, it's like, oh my gosh, if someone, like, for an example, recently, friends sent a group chat, we're going to go to Jamaica next year in May, you know, we're so excited, who wants to come in, it wasn't, my first thought wasn't, oh, I can't do this, I'm not, Adding another line item in my budget this year, it was, Ooh, are they going to talk about me if I say no?

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Is there another group chat that's going to be started if I'm like, Oh, I can't afford to go on this trip, like, it was like, I wanted to control the narrative about me, it became about like my ego, instead of just giving everybody the benefit of the doubt, and saying, and saying, asking myself, do I want to go on this trip?

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Notice I didn't even think about me first.

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I immediately thought about them, about me.

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So, when you're people pleasing, you're constantly showing up, thinking and trying to anticipate about the other person's perceptions about you.

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Or, if I do this, what are they going to do for me?

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Like, you know what I mean?

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Like, if I help my sibling go to the airport at the crack of dawn when I told them that I'm going to have a really busy day with meetings, like, what are they going to do for me the next time I need to go to the airport?

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And we know, as Elders Daughters, we be stacking things away in our Rolodex in our mind.

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Remember back Three months ago on Tuesday at three o'clock when you were in L.

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A.

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and I was in Atlanta, and you asked me to do this during FaceTime, we recall because it's about us.

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So I think about it that way, like that can show up in so many different ways depending on the dynamic work, family, friends, where you're at and what's happening.

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I think that is so interesting.

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Especially the last part.

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Like, you do be thinking, you be holding on to all that stuff.

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You be like, you be like, really?

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Like, all of these things I did, did, all these things.

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And they like, I don't know what you're talking about.

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I'm like, they're fine.

00:18:33.241 --> 00:18:34.231
They live in their peace.

00:18:34.251 --> 00:18:35.372
They don't care.

00:18:35.402 --> 00:18:37.422
They are completely oblivious.

00:18:37.422 --> 00:18:37.751
Right?

00:18:38.372 --> 00:18:39.612
It's interesting that you say that.

00:18:39.613 --> 00:18:41.112
Listen, I hadn't heard that.

00:18:41.162 --> 00:18:43.021
I know that is for a lot of people.

00:18:43.031 --> 00:18:47.721
The thing I recently, y'all I'm really being vulnerable with y'all on this episode.

00:18:48.142 --> 00:18:56.277
I recently with my therapist was The thing for me is when it comes to people pleasing is a matter of wanting control.

00:18:56.317 --> 00:19:00.376
It's more of like, because if there's no control, then something's going to break.

00:19:00.386 --> 00:19:04.477
Somebody's going to need, they're going to need more of me than I don't want to give.

00:19:04.477 --> 00:19:04.686
Right.

00:19:04.707 --> 00:19:05.906
That's really, that's my fear.

00:19:05.916 --> 00:19:13.446
Like, I don't, I want to make sure it's all good because I don't want to have to have more energy than I have to expend already because y'all done messed up.

00:19:13.446 --> 00:19:14.817
Like I don't have time for that.

00:19:14.817 --> 00:19:15.126
Right.

00:19:15.547 --> 00:19:17.326
And so it is like you.

00:19:17.531 --> 00:19:19.422
you are like wanting to control.

00:19:19.422 --> 00:19:26.221
To me, people pleasing is more about controlling other people to avoid hurting or harming yourself.

00:19:26.261 --> 00:19:35.201
But in reality, if you just put your own boundaries up and say no, or say how you can show up, you create that same exchange, right?

00:19:35.221 --> 00:19:42.261
But in a much more, like, I feel like mutual experience, right?

00:19:42.311 --> 00:19:43.942
So, so, such a good point.

00:19:43.942 --> 00:19:47.061
I love that you said that, but like, that's a really good, good point.

00:19:47.592 --> 00:19:47.842
Okay.

00:19:47.842 --> 00:19:48.152
So.

00:19:48.672 --> 00:19:50.511
We're talking about this from business.

00:19:50.521 --> 00:19:58.182
Like, let's add the chronic illness layer to this because personally, I have this feeling often all the time.

00:19:58.182 --> 00:20:10.721
I'm like, how is it that I can accomplish like so many things living with chronic illness and then be expected to be able to hold and usually it's emotional stuff.

00:20:10.741 --> 00:20:14.632
Like, it's usually emotional baggage with the family or things that are going on.

00:20:14.951 --> 00:20:16.352
Sometimes it's financials.

00:20:16.481 --> 00:20:17.951
Most of the time, honestly.

00:20:18.467 --> 00:20:19.467
It's emotional, right?

00:20:19.767 --> 00:20:31.727
And you're like, how am I supposed to carry all of this and carry you and carry you and carry all of this stuff living with chronic illness and you still expect so much, right?

00:20:31.727 --> 00:20:33.636
You still expect so much.

00:20:34.067 --> 00:20:39.511
And It is one of those things that you're like, how does that bleed into your capacity?

00:20:39.521 --> 00:20:41.372
To me, it leads to more people pleasing.

00:20:41.372 --> 00:20:41.761
It leads,

00:20:42.221 --> 00:20:42.412
because

00:20:42.412 --> 00:20:43.652
you want more control.

00:20:43.862 --> 00:20:48.801
And also, I find for some of my clients that are Elvis daughters, it turns into perfectionism.

00:20:49.231 --> 00:20:52.001
It requires so much of their energy.

00:20:52.031 --> 00:20:57.001
They give, like you were saying, they want to give so much in order to stay safe.

00:20:57.021 --> 00:20:59.392
In reality, they're causing themselves more harm.

00:20:59.791 --> 00:21:09.001
But for you, what have you learned Or what you what would you think about that as an eldest daughter living with chronic illness and running a business?

00:21:09.051 --> 00:21:11.692
What are some things that we need to be aware of?

00:21:12.172 --> 00:21:28.477
Yeah, and I do want to preface to for those listening who do have a chronic illness like I was diagnosed with an autoimmune condition back in 2022 and I didn't realize that All the flares I was having leading up to the diagnosis were perpetuated by stress.

00:21:28.507 --> 00:21:29.156
Yes.

00:21:29.307 --> 00:21:38.426
And when I was diagnosed, it's because the flare got so bad that I was losing all my, my hair and it was like kind of just taking over my face.

00:21:38.896 --> 00:21:55.037
And so, I just want to preface this from a perspective of, I empathize with you and I may not from your specific experience, but going from a diagnosis and the fear and the anger and not knowing what, okay, what does this mean for me in the future?

00:21:55.366 --> 00:21:56.416
And all of that.

00:21:56.727 --> 00:22:14.021
But what I do know is that sometimes I think even if family knows, because I did share with like some family members and some select friends, um, when I got diagnosed, if they don't see an outward sign of a struggle or pain, it's almost as if, oh, she's fine.

00:22:14.241 --> 00:22:14.642
Yep.

00:22:14.731 --> 00:22:15.152
Right?

00:22:15.162 --> 00:22:19.571
So they're thinking, oh, yeah, she told us about that, but you're still showing up.

00:22:19.811 --> 00:22:21.932
You're still cool to them.

00:22:21.942 --> 00:22:23.461
You still juggling so many balls.

00:22:23.461 --> 00:22:24.612
You're like, Oh, she good.

00:22:24.771 --> 00:22:26.192
Like we knew she was the strong one.

00:22:26.192 --> 00:22:26.791
Look at her go.

00:22:26.791 --> 00:22:28.711
So let's let's see if she can help out with this.

00:22:29.132 --> 00:22:38.922
And so you are internally are like feeling a lot of pain or a lot of frustration or guilt or shame of how can I say I cannot.

00:22:39.251 --> 00:23:11.412
Or not today, or can you ask someone else to do that, or I can't answer the phone right now, you know, the ones where you call them back and it's like, Oh, I called you, but you didn't answer, Oh, is there an entitlement that you're supposed to always have access to me, you know, so then we get these narratives of feeling a lot of guilt and shame and frustration around, um, our bodies, even like, why are you presenting this obstacle for me that I can't show up for my people in the way that I want to when I want to.

00:23:11.811 --> 00:23:14.501
So then maybe our anger gets directed at our own bodies.

00:23:14.662 --> 00:23:18.781
And then even just like, well, if I ask for help, who's going to come through for me?

00:23:18.782 --> 00:23:26.832
Then I feel like, yeah, we're on a lone island by ourselves, balancing this chronic illness.

00:23:27.102 --> 00:23:29.231
And that can be extremely.

00:23:29.646 --> 00:23:34.247
Isolating, because then it, that's where the resent, I feel like resentment comes in heavy.

00:23:34.957 --> 00:23:45.386
Because you're like, how can I show up for y'all all the time, and yet, I don't even know if I ask, if someone, you may say yes, but are you going to follow through?

00:23:45.557 --> 00:23:46.636
Are you going to remember?

00:23:46.946 --> 00:23:48.606
Are you going to hold it over me?

00:23:49.001 --> 00:23:55.261
And then ask for a triple more for something else, you know, like we really like think about these things.

00:23:55.281 --> 00:24:07.182
And so the chronic illness presents another deepened layer that again can leave us feeling angry, guilt, shame, and even just loneliness of like, who is here for me?

00:24:07.221 --> 00:24:13.132
And if you have a partner that is supportive, it doesn't minimize your partner being there, what they do for you.

00:24:14.662 --> 00:24:27.092
Your family or that closest friendship that you have shown up for time and time again in every situation that you don't even know with full confidence can be there or would be there for you if you were to ask.

00:24:27.092 --> 00:24:30.102
So it becomes very, very, very complicated and blurred.

00:24:30.801 --> 00:24:33.471
Girl, I ain't gonna cry.

00:24:34.152 --> 00:24:35.102
No,

00:24:35.321 --> 00:24:36.261
I ain't gonna cry.

00:24:36.321 --> 00:24:38.771
That is that right there.

00:24:39.372 --> 00:24:40.622
That's that's what it is.

00:24:40.652 --> 00:24:49.551
It's it is such a I think so many of us don't we are living in this like the reality of that.

00:24:49.551 --> 00:24:52.031
Like you, you have to do this work.

00:24:52.041 --> 00:24:54.021
This is the thing I love about coaching.

00:24:54.021 --> 00:25:00.991
If you become a coach, you become aware of thoughts and narratives and like life that you're living.

00:25:01.386 --> 00:25:03.856
that you didn't, like, it was just normal.

00:25:03.946 --> 00:25:05.807
You just thought it was normal, right?

00:25:05.807 --> 00:25:12.517
You thought being the only person or being the person because you are the, it was all of these things that we're talking about.

00:25:12.517 --> 00:25:14.346
This is awareness that it's not okay.

00:25:14.356 --> 00:25:15.997
This is a, it's a red flag.

00:25:16.227 --> 00:25:18.156
It is not normal.

00:25:19.317 --> 00:25:30.086
Even though it is normal, like, for everyone else to see it, but it's not, it's not normal and in a, in a good way, a healthy way for us to operate in the world.

00:25:30.126 --> 00:25:35.987
And I, I really appreciate you sharing like your journey with the autoimmune stuff, because that was my journey.

00:25:35.987 --> 00:25:45.457
Like it literally, a lot of us don't realize that probably half of our chronic illness is and half of our autoimmune visible or invisible.

00:25:46.376 --> 00:25:53.886
Diseases are literally from trauma as a child that manifested in our bodies as what they are today.

00:25:53.896 --> 00:26:07.007
And stress in all of them, all of us whose trauma was just from, like, family drama and, like, all of this stuff usually manifests into, like, some kind of sickness, is usually triggered by stress.

00:26:07.076 --> 00:26:19.426
So, when we don't know how to operate, when we don't know how to, you know, Really, what is our safe place, what our boundaries are, what our actual true capacity is, not what we have overextended ourselves to be.

00:26:19.436 --> 00:26:19.686
Mm hmm.

00:26:21.366 --> 00:26:23.017
Then it triggers flares up.

00:26:23.017 --> 00:26:24.517
It triggers, you know, more pain.

00:26:24.517 --> 00:26:25.896
It triggers all of these things.

00:26:25.896 --> 00:26:26.636
It's a ripple effect.

00:26:26.636 --> 00:26:32.862
So, I really appreciate us just talking about this because I don't think we hear enough about it.

00:26:33.372 --> 00:26:38.321
And we don't, there's not enough awareness around like, you're not alone in this if you're feeling like this.

00:26:38.321 --> 00:26:50.461
Like, I needed this episode as much as I needed to share this episode because living with chronic illness by itself y'all, just by itself, that's enough.

00:26:50.642 --> 00:26:52.571
Like, It's very true.

00:26:52.592 --> 00:26:53.362
That's enough.

00:26:53.602 --> 00:26:54.092
Okay.

00:26:54.342 --> 00:26:54.811
It's very true.

00:26:55.301 --> 00:26:59.471
Then we decided to be business owners, and then, then we got family.

00:26:59.471 --> 00:27:02.132
Like, we like, Oh Lord, what did I do?

00:27:02.142 --> 00:27:04.071
We add money into like, we just add it.

00:27:04.102 --> 00:27:04.501
We just.

00:27:05.122 --> 00:27:05.392
Right?

00:27:05.392 --> 00:27:05.642
Yeah.

00:27:05.642 --> 00:27:08.241
So with someone listening to this.

00:27:08.666 --> 00:27:29.287
who's like, oh my gosh, y'all, like, are speaking my language, I don't feel alone, like, I finally get someone who understands this and gets it and is like, put into words why I might be feeling this resist, resentment, why I'm feeling lonely, even though I'm surrounded by people all of the time, like those things, what can they start doing now?

00:27:29.346 --> 00:27:37.376
Like, what can they start doing now and started to, like, reclaim their sense of self in a really positive way?

00:27:37.376 --> 00:27:37.436
Transcribed

00:27:38.037 --> 00:27:53.926
Yes, and I am going to share this knowing that the eldest daughters listening are going to try and implement this like today, today, but this is literally something that is a lifelong journey that improves with every single one person.

00:27:54.156 --> 00:27:59.696
Like that 1 percent adds up, whether that's a 1 percent over a week or 1 percent over a month.

00:28:00.067 --> 00:28:05.366
So be kind to yourself, but I have broken it down in like four skills.

00:28:05.386 --> 00:28:06.997
I like to call them the eldest daughter skills.

00:28:07.057 --> 00:28:10.517
And the first one is like communication with grace, but it's direct.

00:28:11.781 --> 00:28:16.582
That is basically noticing what you need and making a request for it.

00:28:17.071 --> 00:28:20.642
And I say request because everybody loves to have choice.

00:28:20.902 --> 00:28:31.906
So if you notice, you're about to start having a flare, making a request to a sibling or a parent of, Hey, I noticed that I'm not going to be feeling well here for a couple of days.

00:28:32.436 --> 00:28:35.396
Would you be able to help me X, Y, and Z?

00:28:35.846 --> 00:28:41.696
It's noticing what you need and then making that request and you're giving grace in the, in the communication.

00:28:41.696 --> 00:28:44.727
So we're not being like, they like siblings like to say, Ms.

00:28:44.747 --> 00:28:47.586
Bossy, um, you're not doing that, right?

00:28:47.586 --> 00:28:52.086
You're being like a lot of grace, but you're being direct and clear about this is what I need you to do.

00:28:52.416 --> 00:28:58.047
Because I feel like, especially with siblings, like if you're not clear and specific, they will interpret it.

00:28:59.001 --> 00:29:01.602
You can you run to the store can be to them.

00:29:01.672 --> 00:29:03.061
Oh, yeah, I'll just do Instacart.

00:29:03.102 --> 00:29:09.811
But it's like, no, I need you to go to Whole Foods and get the organic produce, not just do Instacart from Aldi or whatever.

00:29:10.041 --> 00:29:14.142
Like, you know, like they will do what's the easiest, quickest thing, but you may need it done a certain way.

00:29:14.142 --> 00:29:17.192
So like, just clear communication is the first thing.

00:29:17.551 --> 00:29:19.561
And then the second thing is boundary care.

00:29:19.582 --> 00:29:25.751
And I feel like with my clients, I create boundary care plans for their two top most pressing relationships.

00:29:25.991 --> 00:29:35.271
And I think with boundary care, Really thinking about how can I take care of myself when I go to implement this boundary with this specific relationship?

00:29:35.801 --> 00:29:36.182
I know

00:29:36.182 --> 00:29:39.821
this parent tends to be a little bit more gaslighty when I use boundaries.

00:29:39.981 --> 00:29:44.832
So how am I going to take care of myself when I go to implement that and I know they're going to use it?

00:29:45.021 --> 00:29:49.442
I'm going to use my tool to kind of disengage, but I'm going to need to take care of myself after that.

00:29:49.471 --> 00:29:50.751
There's probably going to be a lot of guilt.

00:29:50.791 --> 00:29:52.602
I may question if I'm being selfish.

00:29:53.031 --> 00:29:58.461
So really implementing how can you take care of yourself when you implement boundaries with certain relationships.

00:29:58.832 --> 00:30:02.701
And know that boundaries are not rules for other people to follow.

00:30:02.961 --> 00:30:05.192
It's more for you to communicate.

00:30:05.382 --> 00:30:06.182
Here is.

00:30:06.446 --> 00:30:07.906
what I am and am not doing.

00:30:07.906 --> 00:30:12.106
So if you don't want people calling you after nine, don't tell them, don't call me after nine.

00:30:12.106 --> 00:30:16.217
Just say, I'm not going to answer phone calls after nine because it's for you.

00:30:16.547 --> 00:30:18.047
They can still have their choice.

00:30:18.057 --> 00:30:24.747
So boundary care, thinking about your boundaries and what you want those to be for your relationships.

00:30:25.146 --> 00:30:29.076
And then the third one is like talking to yourself like you would your best friend.

00:30:29.942 --> 00:30:36.521
This is huge because I feel like as eldest daughters, we are the biggest cheerleaders for many people in our lives.

00:30:36.561 --> 00:30:41.241
Like we speak so much life into people and we don't do that to ourselves.

00:30:41.392 --> 00:30:45.162
We are, we could point out all the things we did wrong, could have done better.

00:30:45.451 --> 00:30:47.061
And then as soon as someone says, Oh, what'd you do?

00:30:47.061 --> 00:30:50.221
Well, we're like sitting there like, what did I do?

00:30:50.221 --> 00:30:51.541
Well, What?

00:30:52.912 --> 00:31:02.471
You know, talk to yourself like you would your best friend, like, man, this is a really hard day, and I have been really short with people, but you know what?

00:31:02.961 --> 00:31:08.981
At least I showed up today, and I plan to go back tomorrow and apologize to the people that I didn't really talk kindly to.

00:31:09.356 --> 00:31:10.067
And that's okay.

00:31:10.067 --> 00:31:10.567
They love me.

00:31:10.567 --> 00:31:13.717
I'm sure they'll understand versus you are such a meanie.

00:31:13.767 --> 00:31:16.336
Like what's wrong with you just because you got a chronic illness.

00:31:16.336 --> 00:31:17.707
I mean, you could talk to people any kind of way.

00:31:18.346 --> 00:31:19.636
One is not helpful.

00:31:19.636 --> 00:31:27.846
The other one is restoring reconciling relationship with yourself and other people, you know, so really practicing talking to yourself like you would your BFF.

00:31:28.277 --> 00:31:29.777
And then that last one is.

00:31:30.352 --> 00:31:40.112
Asking what else is possible, because I feel like eldest daughters believe certain narratives and then we take that narrative as the absolute fact.

00:31:40.422 --> 00:31:40.781
Yep.

00:31:41.061 --> 00:31:47.501
So, I don't like to play the game of like, don't say that, that didn't happen, they didn't think that.

00:31:47.551 --> 00:31:49.761
I just like to say, what else is true?

00:31:50.211 --> 00:31:51.622
Like, what else is true?

00:31:52.471 --> 00:31:54.842
Okay, yeah, I probably could have called.

00:31:55.261 --> 00:31:59.501
Okay, yeah, they didn't, I didn't really say that they needed to be there at that time.

00:31:59.771 --> 00:32:05.102
Like, what else is true on top of what you're already believing, and what else is possible?

00:32:05.301 --> 00:32:12.382
And when I think more like that, it allows me to also see the ways that what else is true, I'm not the only person who has a car.

00:32:12.721 --> 00:32:17.791
So who do have a car and can they go and run and do this door run to the store do these errands?

00:32:17.791 --> 00:32:40.017
So it's like allowing for yourself to ask yourself those things more and these four like skills Just using them over time allows for a greater self awareness of what you need Getting that support and honestly protecting your peace protecting your time Protecting your money and protecting the ability to do the things that you desire to do for yourself.

00:32:40.326 --> 00:32:48.616
So those are like the four starting points I would say to start at if you are struggling with some of the things that me and Nikita have been talking about.

00:32:49.126 --> 00:32:51.557
Yeah, that, those four things are crucial.

00:32:51.557 --> 00:32:52.916
Like, I feel you on that.

00:32:53.166 --> 00:32:54.997
The last, like, year.

00:32:55.477 --> 00:33:02.176
Those are definitely the core things that you have to work on, and especially the boundary piece about being for you and not rules.

00:33:02.946 --> 00:33:04.007
I think that's the hardest.

00:33:04.277 --> 00:33:06.396
I think, honestly, that's the hardest.

00:33:06.967 --> 00:33:18.777
I have a, I have a saying with my clients, like, to your point, to challenge what they're thinking is true, but also, like, they believe things can't be different.

00:33:18.826 --> 00:33:27.007
They believe that, their circumstances are their circumstances and nothing else is possible.

00:33:27.406 --> 00:33:29.916
So I always ask them, like, is that really true?

00:33:29.926 --> 00:33:36.987
Like, is that really true that you can't ask so and so for this kind of support?

00:33:37.017 --> 00:33:38.936
Or are you just feeling like you can't?

00:33:38.997 --> 00:33:40.616
Like, it's very different, right?

00:33:40.817 --> 00:33:43.366
And so I love that questioning, too, for you.

00:33:43.366 --> 00:33:44.257
Like, what else is true?

00:33:44.257 --> 00:33:47.376
What else is possible, like, beyond you?

00:33:47.676 --> 00:34:16.947
Because it gets you out of that people pleasing, out of that, I have to be the only one, I'm the only one that can solve this issue, like all of those thinkings, and I think it's powerful, but I would like to say what warnings to, I want to say like, what are warnings to have in mind for us as elders, elders starters when we start operating this way, because I've noticed, myself in my community and my, you know, relationships with people.

00:34:17.356 --> 00:34:21.936
Those four very important things that you're doing, you start showing up different.

00:34:21.936 --> 00:34:29.467
And so those people who have benefited from you being in that other mindset, that other way of being shift.

00:34:31.286 --> 00:34:36.177
So in case you're freaking out, you might freak out for a moment.

00:34:36.731 --> 00:34:48.972

How Eldest Daughters with Chronic Illness Can Balance Life, Business, and Boundaries | Nikkei Lamodi

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