How To Heal A Hoe

WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:05.240 Hey snacks, it's season four of snack size the podcast, and two thousand 2 00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:10.470 and twenty two is all about you. And guess what, you are fabulous. 3 00:00:10.509 --> 00:00:15.750 It's time to open doors and embrace some new opportunities, and your dreams 4 00:00:15.830 --> 00:00:19.510 can and will come true if you just take the time to pursue them. 5 00:00:19.829 --> 00:00:24.620 So this season is a cheers to you finding your fabulous life. Our time 6 00:00:24.739 --> 00:00:33.299 together starts now. Hey snacks, it is so good to be back here 7 00:00:33.420 --> 00:00:37.170 with you again and thanks for joining me on the podcast. Today I have 8 00:00:37.210 --> 00:00:43.490 a super exciting guests. They are a bisexual suicide survivor and former Pastor turned 9 00:00:43.609 --> 00:00:48.329 love coach, Aka the love Guru, and in his work he fuses powerful 10 00:00:48.329 --> 00:00:54.799 spiritual practices with humor and practical techniques to empower everyday people to find extraordinary love. 11 00:00:55.240 --> 00:00:59.359 They have a fantastic new book called how to heal a hoe. So, 12 00:00:59.799 --> 00:01:03.359 yeah, I am in my s and my hoping days are far behind 13 00:01:03.399 --> 00:01:07.069 me. So before I read the book, I really didn't think that I 14 00:01:07.189 --> 00:01:11.989 needed anything healed. However, this guests take on love and life is so 15 00:01:11.390 --> 00:01:15.750 unique and fully realize. His book ended up showing me that I needed much 16 00:01:15.750 --> 00:01:21.180 more healing than I ever thought. It's exactly what you need if you're overcoming 17 00:01:21.219 --> 00:01:26.859 any of life's love challenges. You absolutely deserved to feel positive about all of 18 00:01:26.939 --> 00:01:32.140 you, and that includes your sex and love life. So let's not delay. 19 00:01:32.579 --> 00:01:36.650 Please give us snacks eys. Welcome to the love Guru, Byron Jamal. 20 00:01:37.090 --> 00:01:42.930 Let's give him a call. Hi, Byron, welcome to snacks eyes. 21 00:01:42.450 --> 00:01:47.640 Hey Lah, thank you for having me on a day. Absolutely I'm 22 00:01:47.879 --> 00:01:51.159 so excited to have you here. When I got the email to have you 23 00:01:51.239 --> 00:01:53.079 as a guest, I just looked at the book title how to heal a 24 00:01:53.159 --> 00:01:57.079 Hoe, and I said, yes, that is what my podcast needs. 25 00:01:57.560 --> 00:02:00.079 So today, if you are one of my hose, we're going to talk 26 00:02:00.159 --> 00:02:04.069 about how you can get healed and I'm so, so, very excited. 27 00:02:04.109 --> 00:02:07.109 So for my listeners who don't know who you are, in a meeting you 28 00:02:07.269 --> 00:02:09.629 for the first time, tell us a little bit about you and your life. 29 00:02:10.030 --> 00:02:13.590 Yes, absolutely. So again, thank you for having me on. 30 00:02:13.710 --> 00:02:16.500 I'm really excited. I am a former pastor turn love grew. I left 31 00:02:16.539 --> 00:02:21.699 the church when I realized that I was more effective one on one with people 32 00:02:21.900 --> 00:02:24.939 than actually in the pulpit. There was much more freedom in my coaching sessions 33 00:02:25.180 --> 00:02:29.300 in the office, then the freedom that I felt in the pulpit. So 34 00:02:29.580 --> 00:02:32.689 I left the ministry became the love Guru, helping ordinary people find extraordinary love. 35 00:02:32.729 --> 00:02:38.650 I help singles, couples, straight people, LGBTQ, inspire people. 36 00:02:38.650 --> 00:02:42.770 I literally help anyone and everyone who wants to find love. As someone who 37 00:02:42.889 --> 00:02:46.800 was abused, adopted, molested, I have gone through enough things to finally 38 00:02:46.879 --> 00:02:51.520 love myself. I'm a suicide survivor and so I learned how to finally love 39 00:02:51.560 --> 00:02:54.120 myself and I want to give that back to others. Ill Awesome. And 40 00:02:54.199 --> 00:02:59.270 where are you located? I am currently in Atlanta, Georgia. Oh, 41 00:02:59.629 --> 00:03:02.069 I love Atlanta. But you to work with people. Do you work with 42 00:03:02.110 --> 00:03:05.990 people all over the country, all over the world? Yes, all over 43 00:03:05.990 --> 00:03:09.830 the world. That's wonderful. And so you have a new book out how 44 00:03:09.990 --> 00:03:13.900 to heal a Ho tell my listeners just a little bit about it. We 45 00:03:13.939 --> 00:03:16.539 don't want to give everything away, but just look pretty. So I love 46 00:03:16.659 --> 00:03:22.939 this book because it is one of those things that I created in my life 47 00:03:23.020 --> 00:03:25.539 that I feel like will literally be something I'm proud of for the rest of 48 00:03:25.580 --> 00:03:30.330 my life. It is one of those books that helps someone who is dealing 49 00:03:30.449 --> 00:03:36.409 with the label of Hoe to actually find healing, as the name says. 50 00:03:36.650 --> 00:03:40.960 But it addresses three things stigma, shame and trauma. So the stigma side 51 00:03:42.000 --> 00:03:46.159 is just sex as it's as it is. I mean in America we are 52 00:03:46.479 --> 00:03:51.080 sex is so taboo. Oh my goodness, just the mention of it is 53 00:03:51.400 --> 00:03:55.509 it elicits some kind of feeling of discomfort. So a really addressing sex and 54 00:03:55.870 --> 00:04:01.469 making sure we're comfortable with conversations about sex in general. Then with the shame 55 00:04:01.590 --> 00:04:06.229 piece, many of us start our sexual journey with a shameful act. Were 56 00:04:06.270 --> 00:04:12.259 caught masturbating or or a parent says something about something that happens to us, 57 00:04:12.259 --> 00:04:15.500 or we're touched inappropriately, and so there's a measure of shame that's attached to 58 00:04:15.540 --> 00:04:19.980 our sexual journey. Maybe we don't like the body that we're in once we 59 00:04:20.620 --> 00:04:25.290 have the sexual thoughts, and so all of that's attached and really finding healing. 60 00:04:25.370 --> 00:04:29.170 But the funnel piece is a trauma and that's dealing with the side. 61 00:04:29.610 --> 00:04:32.610 Maybe it's your sexuality that wasn't embraced, maybe it was something that happened to 62 00:04:32.769 --> 00:04:38.490 you or something that you did sexually that that that caused you pain, and 63 00:04:38.680 --> 00:04:42.040 so it is one of those things that all three of those need to be 64 00:04:42.120 --> 00:04:46.399 addressed in our modern society. I think one thing that it's fantastic about this 65 00:04:46.519 --> 00:04:50.000 book is that you have a very unique to what you're trying to do definition 66 00:04:50.199 --> 00:04:54.110 of what a hole is. So for our listeners who want to know who 67 00:04:54.149 --> 00:04:58.589 qualifies as a whole, tell them what that means to you. Absolutely. 68 00:04:58.670 --> 00:05:01.509 So that is the main question that I get all the time. What is 69 00:05:01.790 --> 00:05:08.300 a whole exactly? Well, I define that a whole is really someone who 70 00:05:08.339 --> 00:05:13.660 has identified as a whole. I know that sounds interesting, but I use 71 00:05:13.699 --> 00:05:15.899 this AB knowledge or this example, the time that your grandma to call you 72 00:05:15.939 --> 00:05:19.339 a whole because you had to be dates in a month. You didn't even 73 00:05:19.379 --> 00:05:23.250 have sex, you just had date, you went on dates. Somebody else 74 00:05:23.290 --> 00:05:26.689 can call you a hole because you got a divorce and you had multiple marriages. 75 00:05:27.129 --> 00:05:31.850 So it is more about how you interpret yourself, and that is why 76 00:05:31.889 --> 00:05:36.879 I say healing, because if you feel good about your sexual journey, then 77 00:05:36.879 --> 00:05:42.000 the word hole has no impact on you. If you feel but see, 78 00:05:42.079 --> 00:05:46.879 most of us, once we identify as a whole, there are certain beliefs 79 00:05:46.000 --> 00:05:50.149 that are attached to that. We've actually believe that hose can't find love. 80 00:05:50.550 --> 00:05:55.670 We naturally believe that it is difficult for someone to embrace a Hoe, that 81 00:05:55.829 --> 00:05:58.829 a hope can't change their whole ways, and so there's a lot of those 82 00:05:58.829 --> 00:06:01.350 things that we say out loud in our friends circles or in groups or in 83 00:06:01.629 --> 00:06:05.300 chat rooms, and we literally have this mentality about a hope. And if 84 00:06:05.339 --> 00:06:10.259 that's how you feel about yourself, then love maybe off the table for you, 85 00:06:10.379 --> 00:06:14.699 or you may do things sexually just because you don't believe that you should 86 00:06:14.699 --> 00:06:17.339 have any sexual standards because you're not going to find love anyway. And so 87 00:06:17.459 --> 00:06:24.730 it really impacts how we address one another and how we treat ourselves. That's 88 00:06:24.730 --> 00:06:28.730 amazing and I really enjoyed that. In the book you identify a lot of 89 00:06:28.810 --> 00:06:32.000 different heights of hope. However, a certain passage in your book struck me 90 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:35.680 and it may be identified. That why it took me until twenty three to 91 00:06:35.759 --> 00:06:42.120 find a truly healthy relationship, and it reads pride separates you from others. 92 00:06:42.600 --> 00:06:46.560 There is no way to want everything to go your way, expect better than 93 00:06:46.639 --> 00:06:50.149 everyone else, believe that you are better than everyone else and still form healthy 94 00:06:50.230 --> 00:06:55.709 bonds with people. In this way, pride separates you from God's design to 95 00:06:55.910 --> 00:07:00.350 live in relationship with others. You are isolated by your inflated self esteem. 96 00:07:00.829 --> 00:07:03.620 So, considering that, there is, you know, good ways to be 97 00:07:03.740 --> 00:07:08.540 proud and proud that can affect you. What does it mean to you to 98 00:07:08.660 --> 00:07:13.259 have a healthy balance between being proud and then maybe too proud? So the 99 00:07:13.379 --> 00:07:17.930 thing about pride is it's supposed to help you when and outside or internal things 100 00:07:18.050 --> 00:07:24.129 come up. It allows you to remain selfloving and self assured, to be 101 00:07:24.329 --> 00:07:30.839 confident. Pride that's unhealthy, thinks bigger of yourself than it should. So, 102 00:07:31.439 --> 00:07:35.839 as it said in the reading you just did, it says that it 103 00:07:35.959 --> 00:07:41.279 must be my way and not anyone else's way. I must always have my 104 00:07:41.439 --> 00:07:45.910 own way, and so we understand it. In Life, the only way 105 00:07:46.189 --> 00:07:50.750 to really coexist with other people is to have sub measure of balance. So 106 00:07:50.910 --> 00:07:54.949 you get your way sometime, I get my way sometime, so I can 107 00:07:55.029 --> 00:08:01.100 still be who I am without having to lessen your ability to have what you 108 00:08:01.300 --> 00:08:05.259 want. And that's the difference. So when it comes to sexuality, and 109 00:08:05.339 --> 00:08:09.899 this is where pride comes in real heavy. So think about the person who 110 00:08:09.899 --> 00:08:11.300 says I'm only a top. I will only ever be a top. This 111 00:08:11.420 --> 00:08:16.170 is all I'll ever do. They beat somebody who is versatile, and so 112 00:08:16.410 --> 00:08:20.649 there's this measure of product, regardless of the reason why, act will not 113 00:08:20.850 --> 00:08:24.930 been for you at all. That's pride and I know it sounds well. 114 00:08:24.129 --> 00:08:26.600 This is what I like in this is what I don't like. But ultimately, 115 00:08:26.639 --> 00:08:30.199 if you're trying to be in a loving relationship with someone and they say 116 00:08:30.240 --> 00:08:33.480 they want something every now and then, maybe birthdays, holidays. You know, 117 00:08:33.559 --> 00:08:37.919 I would say that a verse. I'll bottom for a birthday, but 118 00:08:41.509 --> 00:08:46.309 it's being able to have those conversations and and be flexible with the person that 119 00:08:46.429 --> 00:08:50.750 you're with. And and when you're not that way, when you're in inflexible, 120 00:08:50.350 --> 00:08:52.750 it says that you're walking in that measure of pride. So there's the 121 00:08:52.870 --> 00:08:56.779 difference. It's yes, I love myself, but I also love you in 122 00:08:56.899 --> 00:09:01.419 a way that will allow me to make sure you get what you need sometimes 123 00:09:01.460 --> 00:09:07.940 as well. You Open up about your sex life in the book and you 124 00:09:07.019 --> 00:09:11.649 talk about how there are several ways to heal. Do you recall the time 125 00:09:11.970 --> 00:09:15.850 in your life when you decided yourself that it's time for me to heal? 126 00:09:16.250 --> 00:09:18.090 What was the moment like and then, what was your first step in your 127 00:09:18.169 --> 00:09:22.250 healing process? Absolutely, it was after my last breakup. So I've been 128 00:09:22.289 --> 00:09:26.320 doing this work for a while now, but sometimes you can be doing things 129 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:30.320 and not really look in the mirror at your own self. I was in 130 00:09:30.360 --> 00:09:33.960 a relationship and I was not happy that was not happy fully. I was 131 00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:37.320 not satisfied in the relationship and I was not satisfied with parts of me. 132 00:09:37.830 --> 00:09:43.070 I was not fully operating in self love that I had been preaching, and 133 00:09:43.309 --> 00:09:46.070 so I got to a point where I ended up cheating on my partner and 134 00:09:46.190 --> 00:09:52.669 it really created a major void and and and and it hurt him to his 135 00:09:52.860 --> 00:09:56.340 core because he's not that type of wo and initially I wasn't either, and 136 00:09:56.419 --> 00:09:58.220 I'm someone who's a victim of being cheated on, so I knew it it 137 00:09:58.299 --> 00:10:01.340 felt like and the pain that it could cause. I did it anyway, 138 00:10:01.340 --> 00:10:05.100 and and it really left me in a space where I realize, this is 139 00:10:05.179 --> 00:10:11.610 whole behavior. There was something in me that I needed to address and because 140 00:10:11.610 --> 00:10:15.210 I didn't address it, there was a part in me that needed to be 141 00:10:15.370 --> 00:10:18.809 touched, needed to be hugged, needed to be loved, needed to be 142 00:10:18.929 --> 00:10:22.559 nurtured. And because I didn't do it, I went out to find someone 143 00:10:22.600 --> 00:10:28.559 else who could. That level of pain that I inflicted then cause me to 144 00:10:28.639 --> 00:10:31.799 really look inwardly at myself and my decisions and who I was, and I 145 00:10:31.879 --> 00:10:37.470 realized there's a lot of whole damage and trauma that we just bury, that 146 00:10:37.590 --> 00:10:43.590 we don't address, and when you have unprocessed experiences, on processed meaning just 147 00:10:43.789 --> 00:10:46.230 trauma, when you have that stuff sitting, it sits in you and even 148 00:10:46.230 --> 00:10:50.500 if you bury it, even if you ignore it, it comes out in 149 00:10:50.659 --> 00:10:52.980 other ways, maybe even later on in life. And that's what happened to 150 00:10:54.019 --> 00:10:56.259 me. So that's what I knew for sure that I needed to do the 151 00:10:56.340 --> 00:11:00.620 work. And what did the first step of like? What was the first 152 00:11:00.620 --> 00:11:03.100 thing you did? For you? I know in the book you talk about 153 00:11:03.100 --> 00:11:05.889 many different ways and so for those of you who are going to pick up 154 00:11:05.889 --> 00:11:09.850 this book, just know that if you know this specific way doesn't sound right 155 00:11:09.929 --> 00:11:11.610 for you, by Ron offers so many different ways to get there. But 156 00:11:11.649 --> 00:11:15.529 I did want to know what was your first step. Well, the first 157 00:11:15.570 --> 00:11:20.960 step is always what I call the God God creation step, which is to 158 00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:24.200 acknowledge what is, and the reason why I say that is everything begins with 159 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:31.840 acknowledgement. In Genesis it says that before anything was created, God acknowledge the 160 00:11:31.879 --> 00:11:35.669 darkness, that it was dark, that it was void. Nothing can be 161 00:11:35.909 --> 00:11:39.830 created until something is accepted for what it is. And I had to be 162 00:11:39.950 --> 00:11:43.870 honest that I had some whole ways, some whole tendencies, did some harmful 163 00:11:43.029 --> 00:11:48.659 whole activities that created the the outcomes that happen because of my decisions. It 164 00:11:50.659 --> 00:11:54.500 was from there, being that honest and just raw with myself that I was 165 00:11:54.539 --> 00:12:00.299 able to start healing. Always say you can't heal what you hide, and 166 00:12:00.539 --> 00:12:07.009 so if you're not honest and transparent and vulnerable enough to expose what really is 167 00:12:07.210 --> 00:12:11.330 happening, not try to make it sound good or water it down or dress 168 00:12:11.370 --> 00:12:13.570 it up, just as raw as it is. That's what you can get 169 00:12:13.610 --> 00:12:18.159 the true healing that you is are. So first step is always acknowledging what 170 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:22.399 is. That's great advice. I've always said that no matter what you want 171 00:12:22.399 --> 00:12:26.080 to do, it doesn't matter if it's finding love or finding a better career, 172 00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:30.309 you have to meet yourself where you're at, and it's okay to be 173 00:12:30.389 --> 00:12:33.549 where you're at and it's also okay to just be like I'm not where I'm 174 00:12:33.590 --> 00:12:37.070 want to be, but I do want to get there and I think that 175 00:12:37.230 --> 00:12:39.950 that's a great thing, even if we're not talking about being a home, 176 00:12:39.509 --> 00:12:46.419 but it certainly applies here absolutely. In the book you talk about whole positivity 177 00:12:46.539 --> 00:12:52.700 and I found this passage so empowering. It said whole positivity aims to elevate 178 00:12:52.860 --> 00:12:58.129 sex positivity by welcoming people's actual sexual pass rather than just their perceived one. 179 00:12:58.450 --> 00:13:03.929 In a sex positive environment, you wouldn't automatically call the girl wearing a crop 180 00:13:03.049 --> 00:13:07.250 top a whole whole positive bety would say that even if she is a hoe, 181 00:13:07.610 --> 00:13:13.080 she is worthy of amazing unconditional love and space to give and receive that 182 00:13:13.240 --> 00:13:16.480 love. So a common theme of my guess on this show is that they 183 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:22.000 are in some type of journey to be successful, but that meant they had 184 00:13:22.240 --> 00:13:26.039 to overcome some type of struggle and likely they were at a point where they 185 00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:33.110 didn't love themselves. And I think the feeling of unworthiness is especially critical when 186 00:13:33.149 --> 00:13:39.110 we have discussions about healing. You offer so much is advice in your book 187 00:13:39.110 --> 00:13:41.779 about this, but if you could pick like one thing that you think is 188 00:13:41.899 --> 00:13:46.059 critical for someone who feels unworthy to start feeling worthy. What would that be? 189 00:13:46.100 --> 00:13:52.460 So that's major. I had to do this work when I was rediscovering 190 00:13:52.580 --> 00:13:56.610 my worth after suicide, after a suicide tip. The first thing that I 191 00:13:56.690 --> 00:14:01.009 had to do it, the first thing I had to remember, is that 192 00:14:01.730 --> 00:14:07.610 I am and you are and we are beautifully intentionally created beings. I have 193 00:14:07.769 --> 00:14:13.759 a story, short story here, of when I was in middle school or 194 00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:16.159 first year in middle school, we had an art project and we were supposed 195 00:14:16.159 --> 00:14:18.960 to create something for our parents out of clay, and most of the kids 196 00:14:18.960 --> 00:14:24.200 decide to you know, cups and mugs and flower you know, flower vases 197 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:28.309 and all those kind of things. I was the creative child who decided I 198 00:14:28.389 --> 00:14:31.629 wanted to do a baron a chair watching TV. So I had never really 199 00:14:31.669 --> 00:14:35.389 worked with clay. So of course the bear the chair did not really happen. 200 00:14:35.470 --> 00:14:37.940 The chair had it was more like a dog and a being bag by 201 00:14:39.019 --> 00:14:41.460 the time I finished, because it literally had no legs. I didn't even 202 00:14:41.460 --> 00:14:45.940 get to the TV. The Dog, this bear did not look like a 203 00:14:46.100 --> 00:14:50.259 bear at all, and so I just my whole concept was off and when 204 00:14:50.259 --> 00:14:54.049 I took this final project home to my parents, it look nothing like what 205 00:14:54.169 --> 00:14:58.690 I saw in my head, and so they you know, I was crying 206 00:14:58.769 --> 00:15:01.049 as I gave it to her. I was literally frustrated with myself to creation 207 00:15:01.690 --> 00:15:05.889 the way it turned out, and they took it and they put it on 208 00:15:07.009 --> 00:15:11.879 the Mantel where we put our wards and trophies that we all have. And 209 00:15:11.159 --> 00:15:15.919 so years later I didn't understand it them, but years later, when I 210 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:18.480 look back, I realized why they did it. It wasn't so much that 211 00:15:18.679 --> 00:15:24.350 their creation looked amazing, it was who made it. They loved who made 212 00:15:24.429 --> 00:15:28.029 it and they knew that it was made with love. And I have to 213 00:15:28.309 --> 00:15:31.909 have to remind myself sometimes about that truth, and I want to remind everyone 214 00:15:31.990 --> 00:15:35.340 listening, including you, about the same thing, that we were not even 215 00:15:35.379 --> 00:15:39.620 though we didn't come out the way that we may have wanted, we were 216 00:15:39.700 --> 00:15:43.379 made with great intention, passion and love, and that should be enough to 217 00:15:43.539 --> 00:15:48.820 start kickstart yourself love journey, that you're not an accident, no matter how 218 00:15:48.980 --> 00:15:52.929 you were born, the way you were born, the shape you were born. 219 00:15:52.090 --> 00:15:56.409 Their proclivities, your desires, your your wants, all of that stuff 220 00:15:56.730 --> 00:16:00.769 was a part of the design. And, even if you don't understand and 221 00:16:00.970 --> 00:16:03.649 why, it's worth it to love it, because you know you were made 222 00:16:03.690 --> 00:16:07.759 with love. That is such a great story and it actually relates to another 223 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:11.519 part of the book that I absolutely loved, where you talk about home and 224 00:16:11.679 --> 00:16:15.919 you said home is the place where you love the skin you're in. You're 225 00:16:15.960 --> 00:16:18.950 not a shame by past mistakes or TRAUMAS. You can take them and rejoice 226 00:16:18.950 --> 00:16:22.750 in the reality that you're stronger than you realize. Home Honors Your Journey, 227 00:16:22.789 --> 00:16:27.830 appreciating every decision as a lesson learned or a lesson affirmed. Can you expand 228 00:16:27.870 --> 00:16:32.940 upon the importance of finding home in your life and how that plays into living 229 00:16:32.980 --> 00:16:36.860 or anyone who wants to live a happy and fulfilled life? Absolutely so. 230 00:16:37.340 --> 00:16:41.539 The whole notion about being a hoe is normally just leaving home where, and 231 00:16:41.620 --> 00:16:45.179 I say leaving the space that is really true to who you're supposed to be, 232 00:16:45.340 --> 00:16:49.690 and I use the example of products son that lead takes his inheritance before 233 00:16:49.730 --> 00:16:55.009 his father passes and goes out and lives his life. Eventually he ends up 234 00:16:55.009 --> 00:16:59.210 at a pig pin eating out of them up because he's wasted all his wealth 235 00:16:59.610 --> 00:17:03.160 and he realizes is a moment where he's in the pig pen eating the slop 236 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:07.839 and he's like there's a home that I have and when he gets back home 237 00:17:08.039 --> 00:17:12.440 he's welcome. Now he's supposed to be criticized the rid of fueled and and 238 00:17:12.559 --> 00:17:15.789 all of that, but really he's welcome back. There's a part of you 239 00:17:17.069 --> 00:17:21.950 that that says I've gone too far to to love myself or I've done too 240 00:17:21.990 --> 00:17:26.470 much, but it every turn, when you turn back and look back and 241 00:17:26.589 --> 00:17:30.099 say I want to be the better version of myself, I want to operate 242 00:17:30.140 --> 00:17:33.660 better, I want to I want to have what I really want to have, 243 00:17:33.700 --> 00:17:36.380 a want to love myself in a real way. What you say? 244 00:17:36.460 --> 00:17:40.819 Yes, you're welcome back. This space that we call our body, this 245 00:17:40.900 --> 00:17:44.930 this this address, this zip code that we call our about is literally just 246 00:17:45.170 --> 00:17:48.569 ours, and it's like when you have people come over and they're friends of 247 00:17:48.690 --> 00:17:52.170 yours and you're like, I'm not cleaning up because y'all know, y'all know 248 00:17:52.250 --> 00:17:57.210 about how you've been here before. I'm not going that's today. Some days 249 00:17:57.369 --> 00:18:00.359 is nice and clean and some days is not, but either way it's home 250 00:18:00.880 --> 00:18:04.839 and when you really love yourself, it feels like that you can have people 251 00:18:04.880 --> 00:18:07.519 come over, people can be in your space. You don't have to be 252 00:18:07.759 --> 00:18:11.640 one hundred. You don't have to be instagram ready all the time. It's 253 00:18:11.759 --> 00:18:17.230 that you can love yourself at any portion, at any phase, in any 254 00:18:17.269 --> 00:18:22.990 situation, because home is literally where the heart is, but it's also where 255 00:18:22.029 --> 00:18:26.539 your truth is, and that truth is that you are worthy of that love 256 00:18:26.660 --> 00:18:30.819 that you seek. I love that. I think that everybody should allow themselves 257 00:18:30.819 --> 00:18:36.019 the opportunity to find home, wherever that may be. M One of the 258 00:18:36.180 --> 00:18:41.329 things I really really liked about your perspective in this book is your you very 259 00:18:41.410 --> 00:18:47.730 unique perspective on God and religion and how those things played out in your lives 260 00:18:47.809 --> 00:18:51.250 and in the lives of others. And things that stood out to me where 261 00:18:51.289 --> 00:18:53.890 that you recognize that if we are made in God's image, then God too 262 00:18:55.089 --> 00:18:59.519 is on so sexual and you also use prayer as a part of the healing 263 00:18:59.640 --> 00:19:03.720 process. Can you talk a little bit about your own spiritual journey and how 264 00:19:03.839 --> 00:19:07.640 you and your own life came into the realization that you express in this book? 265 00:19:07.160 --> 00:19:11.069 Yes, so this was really important for me. I wrestled with my 266 00:19:11.230 --> 00:19:15.789 sexuality so long, but I was wrestling the entire time growing up in church, 267 00:19:15.150 --> 00:19:19.269 becoming a youth leader, becoming a elder, because I'm minister, becoming 268 00:19:19.309 --> 00:19:25.059 an elder, becoming ordained. I literally wrestled with it all throughout the processes 269 00:19:25.579 --> 00:19:27.740 and there was one day that I woke up and I was going through some 270 00:19:27.900 --> 00:19:32.859 things in a relationship. I wanted a loving relationship and I felt like I 271 00:19:32.980 --> 00:19:37.890 had sabotage my all of our relationships because of my spiritual wrestling, and so 272 00:19:38.410 --> 00:19:42.369 I said, God, I got to talk to you because there's something here. 273 00:19:44.049 --> 00:19:45.849 I know you created me to have amazing love. You love me, 274 00:19:45.890 --> 00:19:51.210 I feel that, but I don't. I don't feel comfortable with my sexuality. 275 00:19:51.970 --> 00:19:55.079 That means I don't feel comfortable having the sex I have. Yes, 276 00:19:55.240 --> 00:19:59.200 it feels amazing, yes it's great, but I don't at the end I 277 00:19:59.519 --> 00:20:03.799 feel nasty, I feel like I did something wrong and I don't feel like 278 00:20:03.920 --> 00:20:07.789 this is what you're intended. And it was a soft this that came over 279 00:20:07.950 --> 00:20:15.470 me that just said I am the God that created you. Every desire you 280 00:20:15.829 --> 00:20:22.140 had I have. I made you in my image and likeness. So if 281 00:20:22.180 --> 00:20:25.980 it's in it and likeness, then you must have what I have and I 282 00:20:26.099 --> 00:20:30.460 have what you have. So I had a pause of that for a second 283 00:20:30.500 --> 00:20:37.410 and just sit with that and acknowledge that God made sexual parts, God made 284 00:20:37.009 --> 00:20:44.769 pleasure zones in the body, God made us. We could have easily have 285 00:20:44.930 --> 00:20:48.210 just been made and got no pleasure, yeah, from sex, right, 286 00:20:48.369 --> 00:20:53.960 like none. If it was just a biological feature to reproduce, why have 287 00:20:55.079 --> 00:21:00.240 pleasure? Touch the pleasure says it was more than that, and I'm fat. 288 00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:03.430 I am thankful that that's the truth because, by God, I am 289 00:21:03.549 --> 00:21:10.549 so glad that we could actually enjoy that process I love. So yes, 290 00:21:10.589 --> 00:21:15.349 it's important to acknowledge that God created it and that saved my life. That 291 00:21:15.509 --> 00:21:22.259 literally allowed me to welcome in love, to no longer feel shame or guilty 292 00:21:22.299 --> 00:21:25.740 or remorse when I have sex, and let me know that it was okay. 293 00:21:25.940 --> 00:21:30.380 And I think that sometimes all we need is that affirmation that it's okay, 294 00:21:30.980 --> 00:21:34.089 because in church they just tell you what not to do. They won't 295 00:21:34.130 --> 00:21:38.809 tell you what is okay to do, and it's really important to feel that 296 00:21:38.970 --> 00:21:45.809 tap on the shoulder from the divine that just says this is okay to one 297 00:21:45.849 --> 00:21:48.680 thing I think you say is not only that it's okay. You talk about 298 00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:52.160 how your sexual energy can serve you. I think that you said that there 299 00:21:52.200 --> 00:21:56.039 are so many benefits of having a healthy sex site that can impact your health 300 00:21:56.079 --> 00:22:00.750 and success overall. How have you experienced that with yourself and with people you've 301 00:22:00.750 --> 00:22:04.309 worked with? By saying it's okay and accepting yourself and empowering it? How 302 00:22:04.349 --> 00:22:07.589 has that affected your life and others? Well, we are we talked about 303 00:22:07.670 --> 00:22:12.549 this, this phenomena now of body love, and I tell people it's impossible 304 00:22:12.670 --> 00:22:17.619 to truly have the full version of body love and not talk about your sexual 305 00:22:17.740 --> 00:22:22.700 side, because you are a sexual being and your body is a part of 306 00:22:22.779 --> 00:22:26.099 that. I've beentioned in the book that it's hard to have sex while they 307 00:22:26.380 --> 00:22:30.130 without being naked. Right. It's hard to have sex without seeing some part 308 00:22:30.170 --> 00:22:38.410 of your body exposed, and so literally being able to embrace your body and 309 00:22:38.529 --> 00:22:45.319 embrace the nature of sex really allows you to then walk catch this with more 310 00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:52.079 confidence in a room when you have clarity about your sexual journey and who you 311 00:22:52.160 --> 00:22:59.630 are sexually. Your confidence. You have unmeasured confidence about I am confident in 312 00:22:59.789 --> 00:23:02.630 the skin. So you can walk with your head up high, you're not 313 00:23:02.750 --> 00:23:07.269 intimidated when you put on certain clothes. You understand the the power that your 314 00:23:07.309 --> 00:23:11.150 vessel has to create life, to give out life, to hold life, 315 00:23:11.390 --> 00:23:17.019 whether you're a man or woman like we, you literally have creative you are 316 00:23:17.180 --> 00:23:22.299 part of the creative cycle of the universe. That alone should help you understand 317 00:23:22.460 --> 00:23:29.569 just how powerful it is to be a sexual being. It's nothing to be 318 00:23:29.690 --> 00:23:33.289 ashamed of. This this is how the world keeps going, this is how 319 00:23:33.329 --> 00:23:38.809 we survived as a species, and this is also how we forge deeper connections 320 00:23:38.849 --> 00:23:44.759 with one another. Sex is a powerful connector. It allows you to share 321 00:23:44.799 --> 00:23:48.240 amazing energy with someone. I say it's the closest you can get to somebody 322 00:23:48.279 --> 00:23:57.230 without naked wrestling. You know, like I get that. So it's a 323 00:23:57.269 --> 00:24:02.750 really important facet of our existence, in our being, and I think to 324 00:24:02.910 --> 00:24:07.829 under to underrate how powerful sex is is to do it a great disservice. 325 00:24:07.990 --> 00:24:15.740 It was given to us. Outside of meditation and connecting spiritually, sex is 326 00:24:15.859 --> 00:24:19.420 right there with all the spiritual practices that people want to do. Sex is 327 00:24:19.460 --> 00:24:23.140 an amazing way to get to know your body, what you like and don't 328 00:24:23.220 --> 00:24:29.450 like, what feels good, what where your sensation points are like. Learning 329 00:24:29.490 --> 00:24:33.250 your body is like exploring a new country. You're like, wait a minute, 330 00:24:33.289 --> 00:24:36.250 I didn't know I like that. You know or did not written like 331 00:24:36.410 --> 00:24:40.680 that, and so it's a powerful that also to see how your body changes 332 00:24:40.759 --> 00:24:44.640 this like the world changes, your body change. Certain things that are since 333 00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:48.359 to to aren't so sensitive anymore. Other things become more sensitive, like you 334 00:24:48.519 --> 00:24:53.789 learn that your body evolves and changes and and it's just you're connected, and 335 00:24:53.990 --> 00:24:59.750 that's the point. You know, spiritual connect you upward, but the sex 336 00:25:00.029 --> 00:25:03.910 and sexuality a law and Meditation Connects you, in word, to who you 337 00:25:04.069 --> 00:25:07.980 are and what you need and what you desire, and that's a powerful thing 338 00:25:08.059 --> 00:25:15.259 to know your own instrument. That is such amazing advice and I definitely encourage 339 00:25:15.259 --> 00:25:21.180 anyone who is not just struggling with their sexuality, really struggling with any type 340 00:25:21.220 --> 00:25:23.769 of self confidence or unworthiness how to heal the hole. Definitely has all different 341 00:25:23.809 --> 00:25:27.329 types of ways to heal yourself and I definitely suggest you get into it. 342 00:25:29.450 --> 00:25:32.930 I do want to just talk about your career for a little bit, because 343 00:25:32.930 --> 00:25:36.119 that's something we like to talk about here on this podcast. We're all searching 344 00:25:36.240 --> 00:25:38.559 for that thing that lights us up and makes us happy and fulfilled. So 345 00:25:38.880 --> 00:25:44.160 you went from being a pastor to now will love coach, and something I 346 00:25:44.359 --> 00:25:48.000 really encourage on this podcast is for people to feel free to pivot their dreams. 347 00:25:48.279 --> 00:25:52.309 If what they currently are doing isn't fulfilling them, then you need to 348 00:25:52.349 --> 00:25:53.630 change it up. And I know that you do touch on this in the 349 00:25:53.670 --> 00:25:56.390 book as well, but can you share with us how you came to the 350 00:25:56.470 --> 00:26:02.150 decision to transition from being a pastor to what you're doing now? Yeah, 351 00:26:02.150 --> 00:26:06.779 it was really important for me to transition because the level of effective this I 352 00:26:07.019 --> 00:26:11.380 had one on one in the office, when I met with people, I 353 00:26:11.420 --> 00:26:15.140 could literally talk about any and everything. I can get as raw as I 354 00:26:15.299 --> 00:26:18.089 needed to in the office, but when I stood behind the pulpit there were 355 00:26:18.130 --> 00:26:22.930 certain things I just could not say. You just people are ninety nine percent 356 00:26:23.769 --> 00:26:30.049 more conservative in groups than they are one on one, and so the moment 357 00:26:30.089 --> 00:26:33.039 you've even even the people who say they are the most free, when you 358 00:26:33.119 --> 00:26:34.720 get them in a group, they will hone in just a little bit, 359 00:26:34.759 --> 00:26:37.359 they will dial it back just a little bit, but when you get up 360 00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:42.079 one on one day, all in, and so it's it's that that helped 361 00:26:42.160 --> 00:26:48.190 me realize I'm much more effective when I'm able to be as raw and honest, 362 00:26:48.470 --> 00:26:52.190 and the poolpit just doesn't afford that, unfortunately. I wish that it 363 00:26:52.390 --> 00:26:56.869 could maybe what they will, but as a right now it is hindered by, 364 00:26:56.549 --> 00:27:00.990 you know, just the prejudgments that people have it and honestly, a 365 00:27:00.029 --> 00:27:03.660 lot of people are, as I mentioned in the in the book, a 366 00:27:03.740 --> 00:27:08.660 lot of people are scared to have these conversations about sex and sexuality because they 367 00:27:08.700 --> 00:27:11.539 don't have the answers, they haven't done the research or they haven't done the 368 00:27:11.660 --> 00:27:15.650 work to find them. And so it's better just to condemn something that to 369 00:27:15.730 --> 00:27:18.569 do your research and have an answer for it. And so if you don't 370 00:27:18.569 --> 00:27:22.369 have an answer, it's just easier to say, well, we're not going 371 00:27:22.410 --> 00:27:26.569 to discuss that. You know, and it's bad. Just leave it there. 372 00:27:26.369 --> 00:27:30.480 It's just easier. It is it's just easier. And so when the 373 00:27:30.519 --> 00:27:32.039 kid when it, when I was growing up, and I'd be like, 374 00:27:32.079 --> 00:27:33.519 well, what about sex? Don't have it to get married. That's it. 375 00:27:33.759 --> 00:27:38.559 Conversation over. There's no other conversation. Literally, find somebody, hit 376 00:27:38.640 --> 00:27:41.559 merit, have sex then and at the end, well, what if I 377 00:27:41.680 --> 00:27:49.349 already had sex without we're not addressing that. Okay, what I say somebody, 378 00:27:49.789 --> 00:27:55.549 we already did it, like you know. So that's the sad thing 379 00:27:55.630 --> 00:28:00.299 about it. And so that's why stepping out and being free to walk both 380 00:28:00.380 --> 00:28:04.180 spaces. You know, I call myself so sometime the day walker, because 381 00:28:04.299 --> 00:28:08.700 literally I will walk both spaces of day and night, like blade, if 382 00:28:08.740 --> 00:28:14.650 you will, and be able to really talk the religious speak, but also 383 00:28:15.210 --> 00:28:18.089 just the everyday language, to break it down, to make it easy and 384 00:28:18.250 --> 00:28:22.970 digestible. There has to be a middle ground where the church is not so 385 00:28:22.210 --> 00:28:27.279 super spiritual that it doesn't apply to everyday life. And ask me a space 386 00:28:27.400 --> 00:28:33.559 where everyday life isn't just so carnal and natural but it incorporates some of the 387 00:28:33.599 --> 00:28:37.240 spiritual aspects. This is what it's important to be well rounded, balanced living 388 00:28:37.279 --> 00:28:41.869 every day. So I love what I do. I am daily appreciate, 389 00:28:41.910 --> 00:28:45.910 appreciative of the life I live now, the space on the end and walking 390 00:28:47.029 --> 00:28:52.549 this line. I regret nothing. That's amazing and I think that in both 391 00:28:52.589 --> 00:28:56.299 roles you were definitely changing hearts and minds, both for the better. So 392 00:28:56.380 --> 00:29:00.420 I can definitely see what their similarities. But you definitely sound like you are 393 00:29:00.500 --> 00:29:04.579 more fulfilled in this path and I would love seeing that here. That's right. 394 00:29:06.420 --> 00:29:10.529 I really am so looking at maybe not just this book but your brand 395 00:29:10.609 --> 00:29:11.450 as the whole, your the love grew rule. So we know you have 396 00:29:11.690 --> 00:29:15.650 all types of advice and we're definitely going to talk about where people can get 397 00:29:15.690 --> 00:29:18.849 more of that advice in addition to this book. But if you could pick, 398 00:29:18.970 --> 00:29:23.720 like one thing that someone has to take away from your work or the 399 00:29:23.799 --> 00:29:26.400 thing or the message you're trying to send out, what would that one bing 400 00:29:26.480 --> 00:29:30.319 be? If they learn nothing else from how to heal a Ho, what 401 00:29:30.359 --> 00:29:33.519 do you want them to take away? That you're only a hoe if you 402 00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:34.680 believe you're a whole, and if you believe you're a whole, then you 403 00:29:34.759 --> 00:29:41.029 won't have love, the lovely to deserve. So no longer believe that being 404 00:29:41.710 --> 00:29:45.390 anything you've done in your sexual past is a part of what makes you up 405 00:29:45.910 --> 00:29:51.150 today. All of those experiences, every single thing that you've gone through, 406 00:29:51.589 --> 00:29:53.980 and so there's nothing that you have to be ashamed of. All of it 407 00:29:55.140 --> 00:30:00.940 made you the strong, resilient, purposeful, powerful person that you are, 408 00:30:00.099 --> 00:30:06.660 and so never feel shame for where you've been or what you've done or what's 409 00:30:06.660 --> 00:30:10.890 been done to you. That's right. You can always, always, always, 410 00:30:10.930 --> 00:30:17.130 grow from your past. Yes, indeed so. I I know I 411 00:30:17.329 --> 00:30:19.609 am actually going to read how to heal ho again. I didn't get a 412 00:30:19.609 --> 00:30:23.799 chance to do like you ehould have, like like questions and homework and stuff, 413 00:30:23.960 --> 00:30:26.559 and I read it, but I didn't get a chance to do all 414 00:30:26.559 --> 00:30:27.799 that. So I'm going to do it again. I'M gonna do my homework. 415 00:30:29.039 --> 00:30:32.799 But for those listeners that want to keep following you and keep getting into 416 00:30:32.799 --> 00:30:34.200 your message in your books and all the types of things, I think you're 417 00:30:34.200 --> 00:30:38.109 even on Youtube, right. Yeah, we do a little bit. Where 418 00:30:38.109 --> 00:30:42.069 can we get into all that? So you can find me on Instagram, 419 00:30:42.750 --> 00:30:48.910 facebook, Linkedin if you're if you're fill in business e and I'm sometimes funny 420 00:30:48.990 --> 00:30:53.500 on ticktock. You toube. You can find it all those places. At 421 00:30:53.660 --> 00:30:59.539 byrons your Maal really easy to find. I'm really I really believe I'm easy 422 00:30:59.579 --> 00:31:02.779 to find, because love should be too. So that's that's the way that 423 00:31:02.859 --> 00:31:06.970 I live. Awesome. And we can get how to heal a Ho on 424 00:31:07.089 --> 00:31:08.690 Amazon, right. You get it all Amazon. You can go to Byron 425 00:31:08.730 --> 00:31:14.289 Jamaalcom and you can be linked. It's on preorder right now and be released 426 00:31:14.369 --> 00:31:18.680 on the fourteen, and so excited for everybody. Grab a coffee of the 427 00:31:19.359 --> 00:31:22.319 actually, then, this episode's from Mars. It'll be the sixteen. So 428 00:31:22.400 --> 00:31:30.160 you know what snacks it's available right now for go for byronsmalcom. I love 429 00:31:30.279 --> 00:31:33.910 it. Well, Byron. Thank you so much for coming on, snack 430 00:31:33.990 --> 00:31:38.910 sighs, and until next time, snacks go be fabulous. Hey, snack, 431 00:31:40.190 --> 00:31:42.390 I hope you enjoyed this episode. Now, I know you don't want 432 00:31:42.390 --> 00:31:47.980 to miss out on the party, so head on over to www dot snack 433 00:31:48.099 --> 00:31:53.339 size podcastcom in sign up for email alerts about new episodes and very special announcements 434 00:31:53.579 --> 00:31:57.500 for me. Until next time, step out into the world and let them 435 00:31:57.619 --> 00:32:00.619 know that you are fabulous.