The Breakup Wake-up

WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:05.280 Hey snacks, it's season four of snack size the podcast, and two thousand 2 00:00:05.280 --> 00:00:11.000 and twenty two is all about you. And guess what, you are fabulous. 3 00:00:11.039 --> 00:00:15.800 It's time to open doors and embrace some new opportunities, and your dreams 4 00:00:15.880 --> 00:00:19.839 can and will come true if you just take the time to pursue them. 5 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:24.640 So this season is a cheers to you finding your fabulous life. Our time 6 00:00:24.760 --> 00:00:31.800 together starts now. Hey snacks, welcome back to snack size. It is 7 00:00:31.839 --> 00:00:36.119 so good to be with you again. When I started this podcast, I 8 00:00:36.200 --> 00:00:40.359 always knew that I wanted to share stories about my journey and what I've been 9 00:00:40.359 --> 00:00:44.079 through in life, and what I didn't expect to find was a family of 10 00:00:44.079 --> 00:00:48.159 listeners that I could learn and grow with. So, as always, thank 11 00:00:48.240 --> 00:00:51.880 you for being on this journey with me. And this episode will be very 12 00:00:51.920 --> 00:00:55.479 special for me, as it comes after one of the most difficult times in 13 00:00:55.520 --> 00:00:59.159 my life. So I wanted to take some time and say thank you for 14 00:00:59.240 --> 00:01:03.200 tuning in after I spend a little time away to figure things out for myself 15 00:01:03.200 --> 00:01:07.799 and my life and my mental health. And I have a very special guest. 16 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:12.040 Brecampo from clever conversations podcast is going to be talking with me today and 17 00:01:12.040 --> 00:01:18.120 I'm so excited to invite her to her first time on snack size. She 18 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:19.879 is an absolute who. I can't wait for you all to meet her. 19 00:01:19.920 --> 00:01:25.120 But before we get started, I just wanted to say that we're all going 20 00:01:25.120 --> 00:01:27.519 through things in life and, no matter what you're going through, no matter 21 00:01:27.560 --> 00:01:33.519 what your pain is, just by being here with me that makes you a 22 00:01:33.599 --> 00:01:37.920 survivor and if we can get through this, we can get through anything. 23 00:01:38.000 --> 00:01:46.959 So, snacks, let's give Brie a call. Hi, breathe, welcome 24 00:01:46.959 --> 00:01:51.439 to snack sighs. Hi, I am so excited to be here. Thank 25 00:01:51.519 --> 00:01:56.040 you for having me. Absolutely I'm so excited to have you. I had 26 00:01:56.319 --> 00:01:59.799 such a good time on your show when you have me as a guest. 27 00:01:59.840 --> 00:02:02.359 We had such good conversation, so I knew when I wanted to have someone 28 00:02:02.359 --> 00:02:06.400 sit down and interview me, who I had to call. And thank you. 29 00:02:06.680 --> 00:02:09.039 Thank you, thank you so much for saying yes, wow, like 30 00:02:09.159 --> 00:02:13.199 we had. We did have a good time, though, we really did. 31 00:02:13.240 --> 00:02:15.000 So I just like yes, yes, yes, of course I'll do 32 00:02:15.039 --> 00:02:17.479 it, and so, without for the new I do want to do to 33 00:02:17.479 --> 00:02:22.319 talk about your show and introduce yourself to the snacks. Tell us about your 34 00:02:22.319 --> 00:02:27.680 podcast. Well, it's called clever conversations and I am the clever beach. 35 00:02:28.120 --> 00:02:34.680 So I love to interview people and have just a whole array of different kinds 36 00:02:34.680 --> 00:02:38.080 of information for people because, you know, we all face all kinds of 37 00:02:38.080 --> 00:02:43.520 things that go on in our lives and when life hits the fan, I 38 00:02:43.599 --> 00:02:46.719 mean, if you don't laugh, you're going to fall and knock it up. 39 00:02:46.800 --> 00:02:51.520 So it's all about just living with all these different things that happen in 40 00:02:51.520 --> 00:02:54.240 our lives and the best way we can get through it with funny stories and 41 00:02:54.319 --> 00:02:58.960 just useful information and just having a lot of fun. You know, that's 42 00:02:58.960 --> 00:03:01.439 it. It's all about just having a good old time. That's my one 43 00:03:01.439 --> 00:03:05.280 of my main gigs, though I do a million other little things. You 44 00:03:05.280 --> 00:03:08.759 know. I'm like social media manager and which is turned into an actual business 45 00:03:08.840 --> 00:03:14.719 for me because of my podcast. So that was really exciting and that keeps 46 00:03:14.800 --> 00:03:19.280 me very busy as well. So it's it's a lot of things that want 47 00:03:19.319 --> 00:03:22.520 of moving parts that I have to deal with all the time. You know, 48 00:03:22.560 --> 00:03:23.919 I think you and I connected over the pad that we always got a 49 00:03:23.919 --> 00:03:28.520 lot going on, and I actually didn't know that you had a business until 50 00:03:28.560 --> 00:03:30.400 you sent me the bio and I think that's so cool. Good for you. 51 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:32.599 Well, I didn't know I had a business either. Come on, 52 00:03:32.759 --> 00:03:37.520 I didn't know. I'm not call money. Like someone said, Hey, 53 00:03:37.520 --> 00:03:40.639 hey, we really like it to help us out with our social media and 54 00:03:40.680 --> 00:03:44.319 I said sure, I know a lot about it, I'd be happy to 55 00:03:44.360 --> 00:03:46.319 help you, and they actually paid me for it. So there you go. 56 00:03:46.520 --> 00:03:51.840 And they sent me another person and then another person and I signed my 57 00:03:51.840 --> 00:03:57.120 fifth client last week. So I think I have a business. Yeah, 58 00:03:57.159 --> 00:03:59.560 you know, it's so funny. I remember the first time I got paid 59 00:03:59.639 --> 00:04:01.960 to do Dragon I was like and now I am a professional and it's just 60 00:04:02.039 --> 00:04:04.759 such a great feeling. It is. It's a lot of fun facts. 61 00:04:04.800 --> 00:04:08.960 If you want to check out our episode on clever conversations, it is called 62 00:04:09.000 --> 00:04:13.560 delicious drag and so much more with Laala the snack lashes. It is season 63 00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:16.800 two, episode three. Please go check that out. It's a great interview. 64 00:04:16.800 --> 00:04:20.079 But now we're here, we're going to talk about why I've been done 65 00:04:20.079 --> 00:04:28.399 for so long, helping that you were I was like, Oh, where 66 00:04:28.399 --> 00:04:30.519 have you been, because I along, even though I can't get out, 67 00:04:30.560 --> 00:04:35.079 I'm always still working so much so I haven't gotten down because, if the 68 00:04:35.120 --> 00:04:40.879 listeners don't know, we actually live very close to each other. So yeah, 69 00:04:40.959 --> 00:04:43.759 and I missed you and I was like, what's going on, and 70 00:04:43.800 --> 00:04:46.120 I did see posts. So I am so happy that we get to sit 71 00:04:46.160 --> 00:04:50.000 down and chat about this. I definitely went through a hard time, but 72 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:56.120 one thing that I really love about you and appreciate about you as an interview 73 00:04:56.120 --> 00:04:58.720 and as a person, you definitely know a lot about life. So this 74 00:04:58.800 --> 00:05:00.600 is this is going to be great. I'm really excited. Well, honey, 75 00:05:00.720 --> 00:05:05.560 I've had a lot of years of life. That's why, all right, 76 00:05:05.560 --> 00:05:10.000 back first time I'm in the hot seat. I'm going to be interviewed. 77 00:05:10.439 --> 00:05:15.040 Off Those big girl panties and let's go for a ride. All right, 78 00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:17.600 let's do it. Okay. Well, we'RE gonna start. I'm I'm 79 00:05:17.639 --> 00:05:20.879 all on starting with a hard part. I mean, let's just go there. 80 00:05:20.920 --> 00:05:25.360 Like you really it was kind of abruptly that you took a few months 81 00:05:25.399 --> 00:05:30.480 away from your podcast of performing. So you have to fill us and tell 82 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:34.680 us what happened. Basically, in a span of seven days, all of 83 00:05:34.720 --> 00:05:39.879 these different things happen. So I work in class action losses during the day. 84 00:05:39.920 --> 00:05:41.920 I know that on your show when I was on your show, I 85 00:05:41.959 --> 00:05:44.040 told you about we talked about all the things that I do. Right, 86 00:05:44.120 --> 00:05:47.639 so I'm already a busy person, but actually, in addition to doing all 87 00:05:47.639 --> 00:05:50.120 these things, I do work before the hour a week job. And so, 88 00:05:50.519 --> 00:05:55.360 with the pandemic, when like all of the stuff that was like on 89 00:05:55.399 --> 00:05:58.319 delay started coming through, like what I say, my work lobe doubled, 90 00:05:58.360 --> 00:06:01.600 like a doubled. And then, as you know, I direct shows. 91 00:06:01.639 --> 00:06:06.240 So I had a show that kind of did not go very well. There 92 00:06:06.279 --> 00:06:11.480 was an issue with one of the performers not following covid guidelines and it was 93 00:06:11.519 --> 00:06:15.519 just it was a stressful meet. Then I also got in a bad argument 94 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:17.279 with my best friend, and I know that. You know sometimes friends are 95 00:06:17.319 --> 00:06:21.000 your absolute support system. Though all this was happening, we weren't talking a 96 00:06:21.040 --> 00:06:26.279 different friend, one of my drug sisters in Indiana. Her mother had been 97 00:06:26.279 --> 00:06:30.839 sick for a long time and she did pass away. So while all this 98 00:06:30.920 --> 00:06:32.240 is going on, mind you all, sorry, I should say this is 99 00:06:32.279 --> 00:06:35.439 the week before my book comes out, like the seven days were my book 100 00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:40.079 comes out, so I'm already deally with that and I have to make this 101 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:42.759 unplanned trip to Chicago. You know, I have a schedule, I have 102 00:06:42.800 --> 00:06:44.319 to clear it. I figured out, but I got to be there for 103 00:06:44.360 --> 00:06:46.800 my friend because that's that's what friends do and I would not have been anywhere 104 00:06:46.800 --> 00:06:49.600 else. And it was a very difficult to watch my friends say good bye 105 00:06:49.639 --> 00:06:53.199 to their mom. But you know, we got through that and I came 106 00:06:53.240 --> 00:06:58.800 back and my former partner said that they didn't know how to feel about us 107 00:06:58.879 --> 00:07:03.199 and they wanted to end things so prizingly. With all that, I had 108 00:07:03.240 --> 00:07:11.040 decided that I was fine because part of yeah, yeah, part of being 109 00:07:11.160 --> 00:07:13.560 I'm sure you know what it's like to work hard and be a really, 110 00:07:13.560 --> 00:07:17.279 really, really driven person and sometimes, when you are a person that has 111 00:07:17.360 --> 00:07:19.399 to be a lot of places and do a lot of things, you don't 112 00:07:19.439 --> 00:07:24.360 have time to process what happened. Right. So, a couple days later, 113 00:07:24.439 --> 00:07:27.600 it was actually the morning of one of my very, very good friends 114 00:07:27.600 --> 00:07:31.680 and drag sisters wedding that I was in and and I was ironing and I 115 00:07:31.720 --> 00:07:34.160 was like, you know, when you're ironing, it's kind of like a 116 00:07:34.240 --> 00:07:39.360 mindless job. So I just started thinking about everything that happened and I I 117 00:07:40.560 --> 00:07:44.839 had a panic attack, but it was more, I mean, honestly, 118 00:07:44.959 --> 00:07:46.879 I don't know if you've ever had one in a last for a few minutes, 119 00:07:47.199 --> 00:07:50.759 but I thought I was going to pass out, have a heart attack 120 00:07:50.800 --> 00:07:55.120 and die, like I was like this is the end. Oh, yeah, 121 00:07:55.199 --> 00:07:59.120 yeah, Oh, I had been there. I know they are. 122 00:07:59.279 --> 00:08:03.000 They are the worst thing in the world and you literally you think it is 123 00:08:03.040 --> 00:08:07.639 a heart attack. It is. It is overwhelming. Yes, I have 124 00:08:07.759 --> 00:08:11.439 been there. I hear you on that one. Honestly, what felt was 125 00:08:11.480 --> 00:08:15.120 just a few minutes changed my whole perspective on the outlook of my life and 126 00:08:15.160 --> 00:08:20.079 how I take care of myself mentally, and that's what honestly started this journey 127 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:26.079 that I've been on to to refind myself. You know, I feel like 128 00:08:26.120 --> 00:08:30.000 when everything creubled, including my relationship, somewhere I lost myself, and that's 129 00:08:30.000 --> 00:08:35.080 a very, very odd coming from a person who seems to know know themselves 130 00:08:35.159 --> 00:08:37.080 very well in terms of their brand and stuff, but I it happened, 131 00:08:37.120 --> 00:08:41.840 and so that's that's where we're at. You didn't have to, I know 132 00:08:41.919 --> 00:08:43.440 you look at look, I mean, and then happens a lot when you 133 00:08:43.519 --> 00:08:48.279 when you're a person that's driven like and you. We both are, and 134 00:08:48.399 --> 00:08:52.679 it's we constantly are busy and working. We don't know what it's like to 135 00:08:52.759 --> 00:08:56.960 really not to like solow down and like they're like Oh selfcare, like I 136 00:08:56.000 --> 00:09:00.720 don't know what that is, because I we're always work, we're always busy, 137 00:09:00.799 --> 00:09:03.840 we have a schedule, we have appointments and things are going on and 138 00:09:03.879 --> 00:09:09.120 then all of a sudden this happens because you took a breath and you stopped 139 00:09:09.279 --> 00:09:13.919 and it all caught up with you, and that can be like that deck. 140 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:16.360 That's life changing when you have a panic attack like that and all this 141 00:09:16.360 --> 00:09:22.159 stuff. I just remember like standing in after I could get up. I 142 00:09:22.240 --> 00:09:24.840 definitely was on the floor for a little bit, but I stood up and 143 00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:26.639 I just started crying and, like I called my friend. I was like, 144 00:09:26.720 --> 00:09:28.759 I don't know if I can make it to the wedding. I did 145 00:09:28.759 --> 00:09:31.480 make it because it was an evening wedding and thank goodness for that. Otherwise 146 00:09:31.519 --> 00:09:35.240 I don't know that it would have would have happened, but I was just 147 00:09:35.320 --> 00:09:39.399 like I can't do anything, like I know that I need to do these 148 00:09:39.399 --> 00:09:43.080 things and people are exciting for me, but I like I just feel so 149 00:09:43.200 --> 00:09:46.039 broken and it I never felt that way. I felt so much that way. 150 00:09:46.080 --> 00:09:48.399 Obviously you know, I've been through struggle in my life, but this 151 00:09:48.480 --> 00:09:52.559 was it was just something different. So it was time to take unexpected and 152 00:09:52.600 --> 00:09:56.279 you had a lot going on and that that that can change very instantly like 153 00:09:56.320 --> 00:09:58.200 that, and then you have to deal with it. All. We count, 154 00:09:58.200 --> 00:10:03.120 you have all the stuff and then this happens and you have to go 155 00:10:03.200 --> 00:10:07.399 through you you're at a wedding. You're so going through all this stuff. 156 00:10:07.399 --> 00:10:13.039 Oh girl, that was girl, that was a whole nut. I seriously 157 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:16.039 like I think the photographer literally captured every single moment that I was not crying 158 00:10:16.039 --> 00:10:20.720 at a bass in that whole thing, because any other time like I was 159 00:10:20.799 --> 00:10:24.440 just like I just kept pride. Everything Wick wicked is the flowers are so 160 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:28.480 beautiful. You know, not take much to set me off at that wedding. 161 00:10:28.559 --> 00:10:31.960 But got through it and my friend was very understanding. So we'll find 162 00:10:33.000 --> 00:10:37.240 it, find that photographer a day of extra. That's awesome, I mean 163 00:10:37.360 --> 00:10:41.000 really right. Thank you for that. Thank you. Yes, yes, 164 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:46.799 so, all right, that is an awful rough thing to go through and 165 00:10:46.000 --> 00:10:50.960 it really change things. So what parts of your outlook on life change? 166 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:56.320 Like what? What after that panic attack? What happened? What change for 167 00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:00.559 you? One of the things I think about is that when you're young or 168 00:11:00.600 --> 00:11:03.120 younger, you know, it's really easy to think that you have your whole 169 00:11:03.120 --> 00:11:07.799 life ahead of you. So in this life you're kind of born, you 170 00:11:07.840 --> 00:11:09.159 grow up, you figure out what you want to do and hopefully you go 171 00:11:09.200 --> 00:11:13.120 out and get it and you meet people older than you and they say things 172 00:11:13.159 --> 00:11:15.639 like Oh, you have a Bright Future, oh you have your whole life 173 00:11:15.639 --> 00:11:20.679 of headed view, and you just believe them. And having this experience where 174 00:11:22.120 --> 00:11:24.639 instantly, like my whole world can closing in on me, it became more 175 00:11:24.679 --> 00:11:30.120 real than I've ever felt in life that those things aren't necessarily true. You 176 00:11:30.240 --> 00:11:33.919 don't know what time you have on this earth. Like I mean if you 177 00:11:33.919 --> 00:11:35.279 would ask me in that moment, like this is the end of my life. 178 00:11:35.279 --> 00:11:39.799 So there's a lot of there was a lot of feelings of like how 179 00:11:39.879 --> 00:11:43.080 am I living? Am I doing? Am I truly doing everything I want 180 00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:45.879 to do? You know, I even had conversation your self like if that 181 00:11:45.919 --> 00:11:48.080 had been the end, was I happy with the life that I lived? 182 00:11:48.120 --> 00:11:52.440 You know, and that's a lot of emotions to put through. Yeah, 183 00:11:52.600 --> 00:11:56.360 I also was raised in a family where education and working hard will get you 184 00:11:56.360 --> 00:12:01.279 where you want to go. And while I'm not saying that that isn't true, 185 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:03.480 it's just not common that you grow up and you learn how to deal 186 00:12:03.519 --> 00:12:07.840 with difficult times. You know, you don't learn about the stages of grief 187 00:12:07.919 --> 00:12:11.200 right away or how to regulate anxiety and emotions or how to value yourself or 188 00:12:11.360 --> 00:12:15.759 knowing who's good in your life and stuff like that. So you know, 189 00:12:15.919 --> 00:12:18.759 you learn those things when they happen the first time. Like I've there was 190 00:12:18.799 --> 00:12:22.559 a book title what to do when working stressful, you're not talking to your 191 00:12:22.559 --> 00:12:24.279 best friend and you're from partner wants to break up with you. I literally 192 00:12:24.320 --> 00:12:33.159 would have hid thousands for a copy. Okay, I absolutely so definitely figuring 193 00:12:33.159 --> 00:12:35.759 out what to do from there, because you know you're sitting there and you've 194 00:12:35.799 --> 00:12:39.360 just had this complete breakdown and it's like where, where do I go? 195 00:12:39.679 --> 00:12:43.159 But one of the things I did realize, you know, when you go 196 00:12:43.200 --> 00:12:45.879 through the breakup, it's like you want answers, you need answers like why 197 00:12:45.919 --> 00:12:48.759 wasn't I good enough? Why wasn't I worthy of this, and where did 198 00:12:48.759 --> 00:12:50.919 I do wrong? And I was so fixated for the first, you know, 199 00:12:52.320 --> 00:12:54.480 a couple weeks on that type of closure. But then when I realized 200 00:12:54.720 --> 00:13:01.399 is is that that's just avoiding a hard truth, like the relationships over and 201 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:05.720 in any situation, no outside source is going to give me closure. Like 202 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:09.720 the thing about closures that, while you may want it, you technically don't 203 00:13:09.799 --> 00:13:15.080 actually need it to move on. And so I've discovered that all the answers 204 00:13:15.080 --> 00:13:20.240 were within myself and the only thing I had control over was the steps that 205 00:13:20.320 --> 00:13:26.559 I do and the steps I take to move forward. Wow, that is 206 00:13:26.679 --> 00:13:31.279 powerful. Yeah, that is really are ful. Yeah, you don't need 207 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:35.720 closure it. Oh, I'm like, wow, I'm sorry, but that. 208 00:13:37.200 --> 00:13:41.600 Listen, because just because I understand and I know what it's like to 209 00:13:41.639 --> 00:13:46.120 have that moment where you think that could be the end and you and it 210 00:13:46.159 --> 00:13:54.840 does make you reevaluate things and then and having that kind of breakup it, 211 00:13:54.720 --> 00:13:58.679 you just you question yourself. But then you get a rational to write, 212 00:13:58.679 --> 00:14:01.279 because we always are like, Oh, if I'd only warn read more, 213 00:14:01.480 --> 00:14:05.320 if I, you know, didn't eat all the chocolates from the you know 214 00:14:05.320 --> 00:14:09.240 what I mean. Like there's a rational things that your mind will go through, 215 00:14:09.279 --> 00:14:13.559 like when you're trying to deal with that, and I'm really impressed that 216 00:14:13.600 --> 00:14:16.960 you were like, Oh, hell, no, I'm stopping right here, 217 00:14:18.000 --> 00:14:20.200 like I'm not old. There was a time. Yeah, there, there 218 00:14:20.279 --> 00:14:26.200 was a solid time where it was a struggle. But I because you know, 219 00:14:26.240 --> 00:14:28.320 I have that pressure, because you like you, I was gone and 220 00:14:28.399 --> 00:14:31.919 you know, there in that time people were still expecting things from me and 221 00:14:33.120 --> 00:14:35.120 there was no warning. It just sort of happened. So I was like 222 00:14:35.200 --> 00:14:39.279 whatever I can do to quickly get myself back up and running, like I 223 00:14:39.279 --> 00:14:41.960 need to do it. So you just you don't want to put too much 224 00:14:41.960 --> 00:14:43.720 out there either, right, because it's personal life and you don't need to 225 00:14:43.720 --> 00:14:46.840 share every tibit. Well, we kind of are. I yes, tonight. 226 00:14:48.039 --> 00:14:52.559 I don't. I don't. You know, actually, we should talk 227 00:14:52.600 --> 00:14:56.039 about that. Somebody asked me why would you put your life out there, 228 00:14:56.080 --> 00:14:58.919 and I'm going to tell you right now the amount of pain that I went 229 00:14:58.960 --> 00:15:03.440 through, if I can say one person from having to go through like, 230 00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:05.360 like even taking a fraction of it a way, because I do feel that 231 00:15:05.480 --> 00:15:11.320 pain does have the power to grow joy. So I don't want to say 232 00:15:11.320 --> 00:15:13.159 that someone should never experience pain in their life, but if telling my story 233 00:15:13.279 --> 00:15:18.159 can help somebody with theirs and make it just the burden, even just the 234 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:20.399 tiniest bit easier. I know it's worth it because it's just it's not a 235 00:15:20.399 --> 00:15:26.039 good place to beg in. It is worth it and I think your listeners 236 00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:31.240 care, and high listeners, I know that they care about you. I 237 00:15:31.360 --> 00:15:33.159 say hi to have I don't know if I said hi to them. I 238 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:35.519 said Hi to you, but I say I them too. But you know, 239 00:15:35.799 --> 00:15:39.440 they care and they want to support you and I think in the position 240 00:15:39.480 --> 00:15:43.320 that you're in, especially in the podcasting world. This is what I know, 241 00:15:43.759 --> 00:15:50.159 is that they respond and support when we are vulnerable and honest and tell 242 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:54.600 our stories and the things that we have been through, and you are doing 243 00:15:54.639 --> 00:16:00.000 that and I think that connects with them and it's really it's really important and, 244 00:16:00.080 --> 00:16:03.519 like anyone listening, I want you to do a hell yes right now, 245 00:16:03.519 --> 00:16:07.120 because you know you're agreeing with me. So I'm right there with you. 246 00:16:07.200 --> 00:16:11.879 My hand is literally in the air right now. Yes, this is 247 00:16:11.879 --> 00:16:15.200 what we're talking about. So I'm going to dig a little deeper. I 248 00:16:15.240 --> 00:16:17.919 know they want to hear more, so I'm going to dig a little deeper. 249 00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:22.159 Yeah, what what has your mental health journey been like? What is 250 00:16:22.200 --> 00:16:26.120 that Bens like for you? Facing trauma is is really, really scary, 251 00:16:26.159 --> 00:16:30.919 and in the past what I've kind of done is I throw myself into my 252 00:16:30.960 --> 00:16:33.919 career or into whatever I have going on. In this time, I didn't 253 00:16:33.919 --> 00:16:37.600 want to do that. I wanted to face my past so that ultimately I 254 00:16:37.679 --> 00:16:41.360 could have a better future. And one of the thing one of my friends 255 00:16:41.360 --> 00:16:44.519 told me. They're like, you know, most people would just find somebody 256 00:16:44.519 --> 00:16:47.120 else, you know, they just move on and find somebody else, and 257 00:16:47.159 --> 00:16:49.240 I was like no, I was like that's not what I need. I 258 00:16:49.240 --> 00:16:52.320 need to take this time and fix myself. I you know, I just 259 00:16:52.600 --> 00:16:59.120 was really tired of, I almost was going to say failing that relationships, 260 00:16:59.159 --> 00:17:00.879 but since there's no other way to put it, failing that relationships. However, 261 00:17:00.919 --> 00:17:04.200 one thing I am learning is that there is no relationship that's a failure 262 00:17:04.240 --> 00:17:07.880 as long as you learn something. So there's that. We're keeping the spirit 263 00:17:07.920 --> 00:17:14.799 today. The other thing is that I've learned that when people show you who 264 00:17:14.839 --> 00:17:18.720 they are, believe them the first time, and that's a quote by my 265 00:17:18.759 --> 00:17:23.000 favorite author, my Antelo. Yes, and it's just so important to stop 266 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:27.319 expecting them to be something other than who they are. And I've seen that, 267 00:17:27.400 --> 00:17:32.440 in a way in my relationship. I had created some of my own 268 00:17:32.480 --> 00:17:37.319 expectations that weren't necessarily realistic, and that's not a problem with them, with 269 00:17:37.400 --> 00:17:40.319 a relationship that was that was a problem with me, you know, and 270 00:17:40.359 --> 00:17:42.359 I had to accept that. And so but in a lot of ways, 271 00:17:42.359 --> 00:17:47.720 when I was hurting, the most surprising of people did step in and help 272 00:17:47.839 --> 00:17:52.519 me and it just really showed me who was really here for my life and 273 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:56.720 who wasn't. And I have a whole different perspective on on my friendships and, 274 00:17:56.799 --> 00:17:57.880 you know, the relationships I have. That's been a part of the 275 00:17:57.920 --> 00:18:04.119 journey. I would they probably the most challenging thing is learning that my soul 276 00:18:04.119 --> 00:18:08.720 deserves to be at peace. I don't yet think now think that souls are 277 00:18:08.759 --> 00:18:14.759 carried to build anger and resentment or sadness for too long and you're never going 278 00:18:14.799 --> 00:18:18.200 to enjoy the moment and be happy if your spirit is so full of negatigy 279 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:21.359 and anger. So I had to find a way to let that go and 280 00:18:21.400 --> 00:18:26.880 that starts with forgiveness. So forgiveness begins with you. I know I made 281 00:18:26.880 --> 00:18:30.799 a lot of mistakes. I actually I've really dived into like my personality type 282 00:18:30.880 --> 00:18:33.960 and I you know, I got a big heart, but it doesn't always 283 00:18:33.960 --> 00:18:38.039 come out that way. Like you, I have a quick tongue that doesn't 284 00:18:38.039 --> 00:18:44.400 always sound yes situations. So I kind of you know when you just like 285 00:18:44.400 --> 00:18:45.599 you were kind of talking about earlier, like what did I do, like 286 00:18:45.720 --> 00:18:48.240 maybe I shouldn't have done this. I had to quiet that voice and to 287 00:18:48.240 --> 00:18:52.599 say you know what, like you did do the best you could and you 288 00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:57.079 were always trying to be better. So don't let this stop you from doing 289 00:18:57.119 --> 00:19:00.799 that. And that was kind of my way of forgiving myself. But but 290 00:19:00.839 --> 00:19:03.680 then you have to forgive others. I mean, they're the reports of my 291 00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:08.400 relationship where I don't think everything was truthful, and I'll leave that part there. 292 00:19:08.440 --> 00:19:11.160 But the truth isn't that no one's perfect. Right, I'll leave that 293 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:15.920 there. But the truth is that no one's perfect and everyone has their enter 294 00:19:15.920 --> 00:19:18.359 demons that we struggle with every day. And just like I'm struggling with something, 295 00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:21.519 that doesn't mean my former partner wasn't struggling with things that I didn't know 296 00:19:21.519 --> 00:19:25.279 about. And that doesn't make them anymore, doesn't make them bad person or 297 00:19:25.279 --> 00:19:27.519 anything. It's just that they had a journey too, and so just sort 298 00:19:27.519 --> 00:19:32.160 of forgiving the situation from that perspective, saying like then, no one gets 299 00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:34.799 into a relationship wants to hurt them sirt somebody. Right, like it's just 300 00:19:34.839 --> 00:19:37.519 doesn't work out sometimes. So well, most of the time. Well, 301 00:19:37.759 --> 00:19:41.000 yeah, almost of the time, not even most of both of them right. 302 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:45.880 So just finding that forgiveness in myself and even if I don't get, 303 00:19:45.960 --> 00:19:49.279 quote unquote, and apology or the closure I've talked about before, it's your 304 00:19:49.319 --> 00:19:52.839 forgiving the situation and the person for you, you know, so that you 305 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:56.200 can move on and be free. So yes, you have to forgive, 306 00:19:56.279 --> 00:20:00.319 you have to let it go, because all of that anger, it doesn't 307 00:20:00.400 --> 00:20:07.279 it doesn't serve you. It doesn't serve you moving forward. Learn the lessons, 308 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:11.039 but, you know, pick yourself up and get through those things and 309 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:17.119 don't don't dwell in it, because it you'll find out later it's probably tears. 310 00:20:17.119 --> 00:20:19.079 Those were those years of wisdom coming out at you now. But, 311 00:20:19.240 --> 00:20:22.319 ha ha, I love it, I love it, but you're going to 312 00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:26.880 find out that, like it was actually a blessing and actually went in the 313 00:20:26.920 --> 00:20:30.319 right direction and moved you forward and you're better. You're better for it. 314 00:20:30.480 --> 00:20:34.359 So there's a thing when you know better, you do better. So you 315 00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:37.960 know better, you do better. What do you know about yourself now that 316 00:20:38.000 --> 00:20:42.400 you didn't do before? What was what's changed? I figured out that there's 317 00:20:42.480 --> 00:20:47.720 different types of attachment right and so I've been read a lot of stuff by 318 00:20:47.759 --> 00:20:49.640 Amy Chan. She is the break up expert. Her Book Break Up Boot 319 00:20:49.680 --> 00:20:52.039 Camp, is amazing. So if you're going through that right now, get 320 00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:56.880 you on Amazon and pick that up. So there's anxious attachment type, secure 321 00:20:56.920 --> 00:21:00.480 attachment types and then avoided and attached from types. So one of the things 322 00:21:00.519 --> 00:21:04.880 I kind of figured out myself is that I have a lot of anxiousness when 323 00:21:04.880 --> 00:21:08.880 I come to my attachment types. I'm I now realize that it's like the 324 00:21:08.880 --> 00:21:12.200 way I connect with people. I can have anxiety about a situation that isn't 325 00:21:12.240 --> 00:21:15.079 real. So one of the things I started doing is I've kind of been 326 00:21:15.200 --> 00:21:18.559 like, you know what, when I feel a little anxiety, I'm like, 327 00:21:18.759 --> 00:21:22.240 is there actually a real threat to me or the situation? No, 328 00:21:22.319 --> 00:21:26.200 there's probably not, so calm down girl, like it's like like just starting 329 00:21:26.240 --> 00:21:30.400 to think realize that that's how I connect with the world. And they say 330 00:21:30.480 --> 00:21:33.400 when you react to trauma, you people tend to fight, flight or freeze. 331 00:21:33.759 --> 00:21:37.359 I'm a fighter, which, I will say, in a lot of 332 00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:41.440 areas of my life, especially living, you know, the lgbt Li lifestyle, 333 00:21:41.519 --> 00:21:44.880 which can cause, you know, a lot of like conflict and turmoil 334 00:21:44.920 --> 00:21:47.599 in terms of getting places you want to go and stuff. Even being black 335 00:21:47.720 --> 00:21:52.240 is the same thing. My reaction to adversity is to fight, but if 336 00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:56.200 you're in a relationship, you should not be fighting with someone that's your partner, 337 00:21:56.240 --> 00:21:59.480 and not like physical but like I just get very defensive and, you 338 00:21:59.480 --> 00:22:02.279 know, like if something's going wrong, I like put up my you know, 339 00:22:02.319 --> 00:22:03.200 put up my shield and I'm like, you know, I'm ready for 340 00:22:03.240 --> 00:22:06.599 battle, and that's not how it should work. So I did learn that 341 00:22:06.640 --> 00:22:11.559 about me. And then the last thing is, and I feel secure when 342 00:22:11.599 --> 00:22:15.200 I am the Chaser, but if someone actually approaches me, it's so crazy 343 00:22:15.279 --> 00:22:18.119 because I have such a big personel and you think I'd be totally confident. 344 00:22:18.319 --> 00:22:22.359 I it literally just happened. I had this very, very, very handsome 345 00:22:22.359 --> 00:22:26.599 guy approached me at a show the other day and I literally was just like 346 00:22:26.599 --> 00:22:29.720 our Allala so, and I'm like, well, why is that? WELLCO 347 00:22:30.160 --> 00:22:33.640 right. So now I know that it's because I'm used to be in the 348 00:22:33.720 --> 00:22:37.920 hunter and not the hunted. So it's an it's a foreign situation for me 349 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:41.640 and so if someone is genuinely so an interested, I actually don't know what 350 00:22:41.720 --> 00:22:44.640 to do. And now I've have some tools and stuff that I've been using 351 00:22:44.640 --> 00:22:47.559 to kind of help me with that. But those were some realizations that that 352 00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:51.200 really really helped me understand myself and how I connect with the world. A 353 00:22:51.279 --> 00:22:55.160 lot of situations that we're facing, you know my matter, how challenging. 354 00:22:55.480 --> 00:22:59.200 They say there's a silver lining. You know, there's always something. What 355 00:22:59.400 --> 00:23:03.960 is your silver lining? That's a great question. I did an exercise in 356 00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:07.960 which I wrote out all of my past relationships and I did good and bad 357 00:23:07.960 --> 00:23:11.599 for those people. I wrote out all of my friends, I did good 358 00:23:11.599 --> 00:23:15.839 and bad for those people, and then I wrote out my parents and I 359 00:23:15.839 --> 00:23:22.480 did good and bad for them. And what I realize is that all of 360 00:23:22.519 --> 00:23:27.599 my friends are like my mom and all of my relationships are like my dad. 361 00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:30.880 And before, yeah, before I say what I wrote about my dad, 362 00:23:30.880 --> 00:23:33.920 I do want to say one thing, and just bear with me, 363 00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:37.400 people, because it will make sense when I'm done. My father always provided 364 00:23:37.519 --> 00:23:41.119 for us. We never grew up wanting for anything and I think that any 365 00:23:41.119 --> 00:23:44.480 father that does that deserves a lot of respect. My father is also a 366 00:23:44.480 --> 00:23:47.319 black man and was able to do that from my family, so that is 367 00:23:47.359 --> 00:23:51.640 even a harder struggle and deserves even more respect. So when I say these 368 00:23:51.680 --> 00:23:55.759 things, I am not discrediting the sacrifice that he made to make sure that 369 00:23:55.839 --> 00:24:02.039 myself and my siblings had a good life. With that being said, that 370 00:24:02.079 --> 00:24:07.119 was the only thing I could write that was good. Everything else involved a 371 00:24:07.119 --> 00:24:11.920 lot of emotional unavailability, and then it became clear to me why I get 372 00:24:12.000 --> 00:24:18.079 attached to unavailable men is because maybe I'm trying to fix what is broken or 373 00:24:18.079 --> 00:24:22.759 what I'm not yet at peace within myself and my relationship with my dad. 374 00:24:22.799 --> 00:24:26.839 But where the silver lining comes in is, as I mentioned on your show, 375 00:24:27.119 --> 00:24:30.359 I didn't talk to my mom for ten years and when I did this 376 00:24:30.440 --> 00:24:37.599 exercise, I called her up and I said, I am so sorry that 377 00:24:37.640 --> 00:24:41.680 I didn't talk to you for ten years. I now realize that you were 378 00:24:41.680 --> 00:24:47.039 trying to provide love for two parents and Oh my God, I said I 379 00:24:47.039 --> 00:24:49.759 wasn't going to cry. I was like, that has to be really hard 380 00:24:49.880 --> 00:24:56.000 to have done and I'm sorry that I didn't realize that before. And she 381 00:24:56.079 --> 00:25:00.880 just said. I just want you to know that all is forgiven and if 382 00:25:00.920 --> 00:25:03.000 anything ever happened to me, the only thing I want you to know is 383 00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:10.440 just that I how much I love you, who it's so having that moment, 384 00:25:12.359 --> 00:25:15.640 having that moment, something from my childhood did get healed, and I'm 385 00:25:15.680 --> 00:25:18.920 not going to to say that I don't, you know, have more to 386 00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:23.799 do, but that was something that got healed that I very much desperately needed. 387 00:25:23.880 --> 00:25:26.279 So you know, like, like you just said, you know you're 388 00:25:26.279 --> 00:25:29.880 going to look back at this experience and realize that it was a blessing and 389 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:33.839 and I do know that at least that very one thing has been a blessing 390 00:25:33.920 --> 00:25:37.519 for me. That's a huge blessing and I tell you I would as a 391 00:25:37.599 --> 00:25:42.319 mom, I can speak to that and say I completely understand it. And 392 00:25:42.519 --> 00:25:47.440 Yeah, and all is forgiven. Truly, in a mother's heart, always 393 00:25:47.559 --> 00:25:52.279 and always forgiven. There's a thing that I say to my kids and to 394 00:25:52.400 --> 00:25:56.119 my best friends, and it's most. Whenever I sign off, I write 395 00:25:56.119 --> 00:26:00.480 exo, EXO, and then I write most, and what most stands for 396 00:26:00.240 --> 00:26:03.880 is that mother's kind of love that always and forever, no matter what you 397 00:26:03.960 --> 00:26:07.759 do, it doesn't matter. I am always going to love you and be 398 00:26:07.799 --> 00:26:11.240 there for you. I'm more than anybody else. So I put most. 399 00:26:11.279 --> 00:26:15.119 I love that till do them as my kids, and so we can get 400 00:26:15.160 --> 00:26:19.160 angry as mom's and we can have a lot of moments. I have at 401 00:26:19.200 --> 00:26:23.720 a moment that just really like make me. They make me crazy, especially 402 00:26:23.720 --> 00:26:29.279 when they're adults, because they're really hard to parent when they're adults. Talking 403 00:26:29.359 --> 00:26:33.480 about my fingers are broken, I can't call my mom right so we have 404 00:26:33.640 --> 00:26:37.920 those moments, but it doesn't matter. Those are instantly the at the second 405 00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:41.279 I do hear from them or we talk or see each other. It's just 406 00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:44.920 I just I just want to see their face and kiss them and hug them 407 00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:48.400 and love on them. So that's just in what a mother does and I 408 00:26:48.559 --> 00:26:52.079 am so glad that you had that moment because that is so special. Where's 409 00:26:52.160 --> 00:26:57.480 your emotion as you're starting to make these these phone calls to your mom and 410 00:26:57.680 --> 00:27:03.519 doing this, Reef Selection? How are you feelings? What is it your 411 00:27:03.720 --> 00:27:07.240 your what is in your heart and your soul at this point? Just a 412 00:27:07.480 --> 00:27:11.359 lot of self love. I'm so just back in love with the world and 413 00:27:11.480 --> 00:27:15.920 with life again, and I, as soon as I got it together, 414 00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:19.680 all types of projects and stuff came in and I had situations like with my 415 00:27:19.960 --> 00:27:22.440 drag career. It's like, why can't I get this opportunity and what's holding 416 00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:26.119 me back and why don't they look at me? And it's because, you 417 00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:30.680 know, maybe I just wasn't allowing myself to just give into what the universe 418 00:27:30.759 --> 00:27:34.640 has to offer, and a part of this was really just breaking my I 419 00:27:34.759 --> 00:27:37.240 broke down. So I had no choice just to like, you know, 420 00:27:37.599 --> 00:27:41.680 try to put myself back together, and once I did, I still feel 421 00:27:41.720 --> 00:27:44.519 so much love. I want to put good things out into the world and 422 00:27:45.160 --> 00:27:48.519 I definitely still have work to do, but I'm doing it and that's what 423 00:27:48.599 --> 00:27:52.039 matters. That's where I'm at. I'm in a really, really good spot. 424 00:27:52.720 --> 00:27:56.640 That's amazing. Okay, so we have all these things that have happened, 425 00:27:56.119 --> 00:28:00.759 and I know that we had spoken a couple times now, yeah, 426 00:28:00.839 --> 00:28:06.960 since the podcast, and tell me what you mean by refraining a bad situation 427 00:28:07.279 --> 00:28:11.440 and how are you doing that? reframing, oh my goodness, himself lead 428 00:28:11.480 --> 00:28:15.000 you about that up. Thank you for reading that up. I'm not fray, 429 00:28:15.480 --> 00:28:18.440 I am on it. Yes, yes, yes, reframing reframing is 430 00:28:18.599 --> 00:28:22.279 huge. Oh my goodness, is huge. Okay, so reframing. You 431 00:28:22.559 --> 00:28:26.640 kind of mentioned it before. Does your story serve you? Okay, so 432 00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:32.240 we're all going to go through this stuff and we are going to have bad 433 00:28:32.279 --> 00:28:37.400 situations, but life is nothing if not a collage of experiences and situations that 434 00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:41.680 are unique to you. So kind of in the same way that two people 435 00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:45.039 can read the same book and connect and walk away with completely different things, 436 00:28:45.440 --> 00:28:48.799 you are past and your story, the good and the bad. It's actually 437 00:28:48.960 --> 00:28:53.400 just as versatile. So it's kind of like, yeah, the situation sucks 438 00:28:53.519 --> 00:28:59.319 and it sucks, but how can I reframe this in my mind to make 439 00:28:59.400 --> 00:29:03.119 this the best situation I can be it can be? So for me, 440 00:29:03.319 --> 00:29:07.039 what I did with my relationship is that, you know what, this one 441 00:29:07.119 --> 00:29:11.519 didn't work out, but I know more about myself than I ever did before. 442 00:29:11.119 --> 00:29:15.279 I learned things about myself that I can take into the next relationship. 443 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:21.200 So this relationship may have been the test run for the real love of my 444 00:29:21.279 --> 00:29:26.000 life and I'm more ready than I ever have been before in life to welcome 445 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:30.559 that into my life when it happens. You know. Yes, so I 446 00:29:30.720 --> 00:29:33.200 really just want to encourage people then, instead of viewing their past is some 447 00:29:33.400 --> 00:29:38.160 tragic story, view it as a necessary part of your destiny. There was 448 00:29:38.200 --> 00:29:41.839 a time where I felt broken and it's very easy to start looking at yourself 449 00:29:41.880 --> 00:29:44.960 like, oh my goodness, I'm all these brooken pieces and I'm not this 450 00:29:45.079 --> 00:29:48.119 and I'm not that. But you know what, all the the stuff that 451 00:29:48.200 --> 00:29:52.960 you've been through creates a wisdom and a depth that you just can't get without 452 00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:56.880 living life, and that makes you so valuable to the world. And I 453 00:29:56.960 --> 00:30:00.680 agree that a thousand percent, and that's really in portant. You know, 454 00:30:00.759 --> 00:30:03.000 when you see people with all these things, going on a new book and 455 00:30:03.759 --> 00:30:07.559 you know show and all these things, there's a lot of there can be 456 00:30:07.599 --> 00:30:11.759 a lot of pain underneath that too, and we don't always want to show 457 00:30:11.880 --> 00:30:15.599 that to people. So your honesty is amazing and will really help people. 458 00:30:17.119 --> 00:30:22.400 So if someone that's listening is struggling with any type of emotional pain, like 459 00:30:22.640 --> 00:30:26.000 what would you say to them? I want to go back to someone I 460 00:30:26.119 --> 00:30:29.720 mentioned before and I just have to credit them for being a big part of 461 00:30:29.759 --> 00:30:33.000 my journey. Amy Chan, author breakup boot camp. She says our greatest 462 00:30:33.079 --> 00:30:38.079 lesson in this lifetime is to practice opening our hearts, even when it hurts, 463 00:30:38.920 --> 00:30:44.480 especially when it hurts. Yeah, so if you're like most people, 464 00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:47.759 you know you find it easy to open up your heart when everything's good and 465 00:30:47.839 --> 00:30:51.759 readily and rosy. But the real test of a truly open heart comes when 466 00:30:52.359 --> 00:30:55.680 you can do it when your heart feels threatened been and one thing I actually 467 00:30:55.720 --> 00:30:57.960 realize is that I've actually been doing that my whole life, because I've been 468 00:30:59.039 --> 00:31:00.680 knocked down so many times, like as a drag queen, for example, 469 00:31:02.079 --> 00:31:06.240 but I kept keeping my heart open so that eventually, one day I was 470 00:31:06.319 --> 00:31:07.640 like, it's not always going to be this way, it's just hard right 471 00:31:07.720 --> 00:31:11.359 now, and if you just keep working hard, I kept my heart open 472 00:31:11.440 --> 00:31:15.480 and my mind open in my drive going to accept all the new opportunities in 473 00:31:15.559 --> 00:31:18.920 my life, and now I have a lot of great opportunities and I still 474 00:31:18.000 --> 00:31:21.400 want more, but in terms of my relationships and stuff like that, I 475 00:31:21.480 --> 00:31:23.960 have to do the same thing. So, no matter how difficult it gets, 476 00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:27.599 please, please, please, snacks, keep your heart open. You 477 00:31:27.759 --> 00:31:30.920 do not know what the next stay is going to bring. And then reach 478 00:31:32.039 --> 00:31:34.920 out to I'm yes, yes, student, talk things that helped you and 479 00:31:36.039 --> 00:31:38.519 people that did. You know, reach out and find someone to talk to, 480 00:31:38.759 --> 00:31:42.680 because that or scream at like. I know I've had a friends that 481 00:31:42.720 --> 00:31:45.960 have been going through stuff and I'm like, listen, if you just want 482 00:31:47.000 --> 00:31:48.799 to call me on the phone and we can both scream at the top of 483 00:31:48.880 --> 00:31:52.000 our lungs, let's do it, like if we just need to get that 484 00:31:52.119 --> 00:31:56.160 out right, if we're just in vain and things are going wrong, sometimes 485 00:31:56.160 --> 00:31:57.839 you just need someone to scream with you. All right. Well, I 486 00:31:57.960 --> 00:32:02.079 got to ask. Your show is all about chasing goals and dreams. So 487 00:32:02.599 --> 00:32:08.960 where you see yourself in five years? That's great question. I want to 488 00:32:09.039 --> 00:32:14.640 own my own home. I want to have been a national TV a few 489 00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:19.720 times. Hopefully we're pauls Jack Race. But I've also open, also over 490 00:32:19.759 --> 00:32:21.920 to whatever the universe has for me. You know, that's what we're doing 491 00:32:21.960 --> 00:32:23.680 and we're working on keeping our hearts open and all that stuff. So whatever 492 00:32:23.759 --> 00:32:28.039 the universe has. One of the things I think about a relationship, which 493 00:32:29.279 --> 00:32:32.359 some people I've dated don't have the same values. I think the basis of 494 00:32:32.400 --> 00:32:37.079 a good relationship is a good friendship. So ideally, in five years I 495 00:32:37.119 --> 00:32:40.079 would like to be in the loving relationship with my best friend. So those 496 00:32:40.119 --> 00:32:43.960 are the things I want to do in five years. I love that. 497 00:32:44.400 --> 00:32:47.599 I mean I really, I seriously really love that. That that's that's where 498 00:32:47.599 --> 00:32:52.000 it that's where it is, and sometimes that person is closer than you think. 499 00:32:52.839 --> 00:32:58.079 Yes, yes, you know, you get sometimes we look too far 500 00:32:58.240 --> 00:33:01.200 away and we miss what straight in front of us. Yes, so, 501 00:33:01.519 --> 00:33:05.680 so, if any of my close friends are listening and you have secret feelings, 502 00:33:05.839 --> 00:33:10.559 now is the time. Okay, yeah, what's next? What? 503 00:33:10.839 --> 00:33:14.640 What's next in the future? What do you get going on? That's coming 504 00:33:14.720 --> 00:33:16.920 up? Oh my goodness. So we talked about it on your show, 505 00:33:17.079 --> 00:33:22.839 but I am in a web series coming out very soon, real soon actually. 506 00:33:22.000 --> 00:33:27.079 It's called it's not you, and I play the character Andre, who 507 00:33:27.200 --> 00:33:30.839 is the best friend to the main character. We actually I got to reunite 508 00:33:30.880 --> 00:33:34.880 with some of the cast and have pizza. That was that was a really 509 00:33:35.119 --> 00:33:37.119 it was like one of my first times out of the house. It's everything 510 00:33:37.160 --> 00:33:39.119 happened. So that was actually super cool and we're all super excited to see 511 00:33:39.119 --> 00:33:43.759 how it turns out, and I'm coming to the viewing party. So yeah, 512 00:33:44.039 --> 00:33:46.640 I guess. Yes, on my instagram right now and you can follow 513 00:33:46.720 --> 00:33:51.519 me and there's actually a few clips, a few like still shots of the 514 00:33:51.599 --> 00:33:52.599 movie. So or, sorry, the web series, I should say. 515 00:33:52.799 --> 00:33:57.319 So that's really exciting. Obviously you know I have my book but due to 516 00:33:57.440 --> 00:33:59.839 Covid I couldn't really do a launch. So I am going to do some 517 00:33:59.920 --> 00:34:02.039 type of launch event the summer here in the twin cities for a lordering heart 518 00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:08.079 and then I actually I can't, unfortunately, I can't say who, but 519 00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:13.519 for twin cities pride, I'm going to be on the main stage, hosting 520 00:34:13.760 --> 00:34:19.159 and opening for like someone really famous and I don't know. For those who 521 00:34:19.199 --> 00:34:22.519 aren't for those who are familiar with twin Citi sprize, I'm not talking about 522 00:34:22.519 --> 00:34:24.639 the like smaller stage that has a lot of drag, which I have been 523 00:34:24.719 --> 00:34:28.199 on that stage and its fabulous looking around. Like I'm will be on the 524 00:34:28.320 --> 00:34:31.400 big stage. So I'm still excited over that. Please stay tuned, because 525 00:34:31.480 --> 00:34:34.599 I like what I got the call. I was like, Huh, you 526 00:34:34.719 --> 00:34:39.000 all will me to do? Oh, Oh God, so, but I 527 00:34:39.159 --> 00:34:44.679 was exciting your call. Thank you very much. I thought they were just 528 00:34:44.760 --> 00:34:46.440 going to ask me to host the show on like the the smaller stage where 529 00:34:46.440 --> 00:34:49.960 they have dragon, which I'm more than excited about. Like, I'd love 530 00:34:50.079 --> 00:34:52.159 prides and I get I get super excited to do festival. So it's all 531 00:34:52.199 --> 00:34:54.480 good energy and everyone just one set fun. So I love it. But 532 00:34:54.519 --> 00:35:00.719 when I got this cost and no Bood, this is it? So related 533 00:35:00.880 --> 00:35:07.039 to that. It's actually part of an initiative to create an entertainment organization that 534 00:35:07.119 --> 00:35:12.480 focuses on Queer people of color. So I've actually am in some meetings like 535 00:35:12.639 --> 00:35:15.920 trying to get this organization set up. So please stay tuned to my social 536 00:35:15.960 --> 00:35:16.840 media for that. We're going to need a lot of support. But I 537 00:35:17.000 --> 00:35:22.039 do think that there should be more space for queer creatives of color to shine 538 00:35:22.079 --> 00:35:25.039 and do their thing. So I'm excited to be involved in that. But 539 00:35:25.159 --> 00:35:31.039 of course, the most important thing is continuing my mental health journey and continuing 540 00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:35.239 to keep my heart open for love. So that's number one. Well, 541 00:35:35.239 --> 00:35:37.000 I want you to do I want you to promise me something. Yeah, 542 00:35:37.079 --> 00:35:44.360 I want you to promise that you are going to keep me and all the 543 00:35:44.440 --> 00:35:49.480 listeners here, everyone included, and just keep us updated and let us know 544 00:35:49.599 --> 00:35:53.800 how it's going, because even if you have struggles that are coming up, 545 00:35:54.320 --> 00:36:00.119 share those because you'll feel better. And if you have joyful moments, share 546 00:36:00.239 --> 00:36:02.880 those as well. You don't have to do it on the podcast. You 547 00:36:02.960 --> 00:36:07.920 could do it on social media or wherever you feel most comfortable. But share 548 00:36:07.039 --> 00:36:10.679 that journey because we all want to take it with you. We all want 549 00:36:10.679 --> 00:36:15.440 to be a part of it and support you, and so please let us 550 00:36:15.559 --> 00:36:17.679 come along for the ride. You know what we're going to do. We'll 551 00:36:17.679 --> 00:36:21.559 figure out our schedules, but maybe we'll do like a sixmonth, one year 552 00:36:21.679 --> 00:36:24.880 check in. Will have a low reunion episode on the Saks and so everyone 553 00:36:24.960 --> 00:36:28.719 can know how you're doing. We can check anyone. I'm doing it'll be 554 00:36:28.800 --> 00:36:32.000 great. Well, I will make that promise right now. I will bring 555 00:36:32.239 --> 00:36:37.840 extra snacks for that one. Yes, tell us what's coming up for you 556 00:36:37.119 --> 00:36:39.639 and tell my listeners where we can follow you in social media. I know 557 00:36:39.760 --> 00:36:43.280 everybody is probably fall in love with you, just as I have. So 558 00:36:43.480 --> 00:36:46.000 where can they find you and what's going on with plevate conversations? Well, 559 00:36:46.079 --> 00:36:50.840 I am always at the Clever Bach, so you can find me on all 560 00:36:50.920 --> 00:36:55.079 the socials. They're coming up for me. I have a mini series that 561 00:36:55.159 --> 00:37:00.519 I'm doing which is all about women's health and how we don't take care of 562 00:37:00.639 --> 00:37:05.880 ourselves and we forget about things and so that's going to be a weird to 563 00:37:05.920 --> 00:37:07.760 be talking. I've been going through a lot of medical things. I have 564 00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:12.960 some stuff coming up this week which your hope just so give me some positive 565 00:37:13.039 --> 00:37:15.800 vibes this week for all of them, all of them. But you know, 566 00:37:15.960 --> 00:37:17.639 I don't want any negative re I don't want any bad results from this 567 00:37:17.800 --> 00:37:23.760 test. But and then I got invited to go to La Fashion Week. 568 00:37:25.679 --> 00:37:30.079 All, Oh, you gonna, I'm excited. So you know what I'm 569 00:37:30.119 --> 00:37:35.199 for you. I guess it's amazing, right. I know who knows? 570 00:37:35.920 --> 00:37:38.079 PODCASTING is open a world of our opportunity. To me, I mean it's 571 00:37:38.159 --> 00:37:45.960 been phenomenal and I get to meet such wonderful people and beyond their fivecast, 572 00:37:45.159 --> 00:37:49.079 which is so much, but do so. I've loved meeting you, of 573 00:37:49.199 --> 00:37:52.320 Love Meeting these people and it's just it's open up a lot of doors for 574 00:37:52.440 --> 00:37:57.559 me to do all these great things. So I'm excited. Oh well, 575 00:37:57.760 --> 00:37:59.679 thank you, thank you, thank you so much for doing this for me. 576 00:37:59.840 --> 00:38:01.400 I cannot tell you from the bottom of my heart how much this means 577 00:38:01.440 --> 00:38:05.960 to me. Like it was great. Thank you for coming in and helping 578 00:38:06.000 --> 00:38:08.119 me really share that with my listeners. Thank you so much and thanks for 579 00:38:08.199 --> 00:38:12.519 listeners, for having me. I appreciate all of you and and I know 580 00:38:12.679 --> 00:38:15.440 we want to come along on this ride, on your journey. So so 581 00:38:15.719 --> 00:38:20.000 you know you're going to be phenomenal. Thank you all right, snacks. 582 00:38:20.079 --> 00:38:23.719 Please follow both of us on social media and until next time, go be 583 00:38:24.159 --> 00:38:29.679 fabulous. Hey, Senach, I hope you enjoyed this episode. If you 584 00:38:30.039 --> 00:38:34.920 or someone you know is suicidal or an emotional distress, please contact the National 585 00:38:35.039 --> 00:38:39.360 Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Train crisis workers are available to talk to twenty four hours 586 00:38:39.440 --> 00:38:44.840 a day, seven days a week. Your confidential and toll free call goes 587 00:38:44.880 --> 00:38:49.559 to the nearest crisis center in the like by national network. These centers provide 588 00:38:49.599 --> 00:38:54.159 crisis counseling and mental health referrals. You can call one eight hundred two seventy 589 00:38:54.199 --> 00:38:59.840 three, top. That's one eight hundred two, seven three, eight two 590 00:39:00.239 --> 00:39:06.320 five, or visit suicide prevention lifeline dot org and remember it's never the wrong 591 00:39:06.440 --> 00:39:09.679 time to ask for help. Until next time, see you later. Snack. 592 -->