Finding Strength Through Faith in the Midst of Loss w/Debbie Baisden

J. Rosemarie (00:01.29) My guest today is Debbie Baisden. Welcome, Debbie. Thank you for being on Solomon's Talk. Debbie Baisden (00:06.708)

Thank you for letting me be here. J. Rosemarie (00:08.774) Yes, it's my pleasure. Before we start, are we getting our conversation? Could you tell us who is Debbie? Debbie Baisden (00:18.544) Yeah, so I am a crazy mom of four teenage boys. I'm a remarried widow, and I've got two crazy rescue dogs. J. Rosemarie (00:31.094). Ah, well, lots of chaos. Debbie Baisden (00:36.124) Yes, it's very loud in my home. J. Rosemarie (00:38.87)

I imagine, I imagine. That's fine. Okay. Well, I appreciate you being here and joining us and sharing your wisdom with us. You said you were a widow at any time where you were a solo mom and you can you explain that experience with us if you were. Debbie Baisden (01:03.528) Yeah, I was unexpectedly widowed in the summer of 2012, which is still surreal to say that sentence. My boys at the time were eight, seven, four, and four. That's a lot to process for these little brains to try to, how do you drop something so heavy on such tender hearts? That's really... J. Rosemarie (01:17.47) Ooh, yes. Debbie Baisden (01:28.58) You know, as moms, we never want to hurt our kids. And I had to intentionally inflict pain on these four hearts and forever change them. I wish I could have taken that burden from them. I think that's kind of the theme of motherhood, is our hearts grow so much with each baby we have. And to find myself unexpectedly widowed, I thought that happened in your 90s, when you have great grandchildren. J. Rosemarie (01:30.195)

Yeah. J. Rosemarie (01:43.632) Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (01:58.576)

And so to still be raising such small people and so many of them in the litter we had created was really, really challenging because there was no one to rely on. There was no one to kind of shoulder the responsibilities of parenthood. There was no one to bounce ideas off of. And there was also no threat. I could not threaten my children with wait till daddy gets home. J. Rosemarie (02:12.927) Yeah. Debbie Baisden (02:27.428) I couldn't be tired and say, well, daddy can do bath time. You know, it's all these little things that I had taken for granted in this partnership that now was all on my shoulders. And I thought, this is way too heavy. I don't know how to become two parents. You know, it's so foreign to do it all by yourself. And yet there is no other alternative. There's no option. You just have to do it because it's required. J. Rosemarie (02:56.694) You have to, yeah. Wow. So you were dropped in the middle of this because that wasn't planned, obviously. Were you tempted to hide a lot of the stuff from your kids? Were you tempted to hide yourself, the grief, the pain? Debbie Baisden (03:21.072)

Yeah, the strategy that I took when I, you know, as soon as I sat them all down to tell them this devastation, my goal was always to keep the wound fresh, to let it heal properly. I knew that would leave a scar, but I didn't want it to get where the scar was starting to be infected. And so the way that I handled my own mourning was to make it very public to them. Obviously, if we're grocery shopping, I would have to say maybe this isn't the time and place to fall apart, but especially at home and in the car, I wanted them to see me being real, to see me being raw, to see my weakness. I didn't, my purpose immediately was to not make any of my children the men of the home. I said, this is not some kind of promotion with responsibility. You're not going to be an adult. Debbie Baisden (04:19.656) You're also not going to sleep in my bed. I think a lot of people tend to make that decision. That was not for me. But I said, I'm gonna let you see my pain so that you know it's okay to feel however you feel. If you feel lonely, angry, sad, confused, yeah, me too. And so they would see me break down and say, this is so hard, I'm so sorry. This is, how does this feel for you guys? And they would see me weep and I would say, can you pray for me? J. Rosemarie (04:26.634)

Right. Debbie Baisden (04:49.904) And to have little children, I hope, feel empowered to say, yeah, I'll pray for you. And they put their little hand on my shoulder and pray to God for me. I wanted them to see my transparency and to know, hey, if my mom is struggling, I think it's OK if my pillowcase also gets wet. So while I didn't give them big responsibilities, I didn't let them know, hey, I'm afraid of how we're going to pay bills because I was a stay-at-home mom. J. Rosemarie (04:50.071) Yeah. Debbie Baisden (05:19.672)

Instead, I just said, it's so sad that daddy's gone. And that's kind of the boundaries I kept it in. J. Rosemarie (05:27.25) Yeah. Oh, okay. All right. I asked that because sometimes we tend to want to hide our kids from pain and we don't let them deal with grief because we're trying to protect them. So yeah, I like that. Thank you. Now, you said your husband passed away unexpectedly. Do you want to share that story with us and what it... Debbie Baisden (05:55.872) Sure, the boys and I. J. Rosemarie (05:55.938)

did to you as a wife. Debbie Baisden (06:00.68) Yeah, the boys and I were actually at my husband's parents' home. They lived about four hours away from us at the beach. So we were vacationing. My husband Aaron was going to join us in a few days. So we just went on ahead without him. So he was staying at home alone and kind of a long story short. He stopped responding to my text messages, which at first I dismissed as no big deal. But as the hours went on. J. Rosemarie (06:08.62) Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (06:30.372) it got to the point where I had to file a missing person report because I was not hearing back from him. My neighbor was unable to locate him. My neighbor actually found his car parked behind the school where Aaron worked. So my husband was a PE teacher, athletic director. He was always at school doing something. He was always helping others even during the summer. And so he found his car at night, but couldn't find my husband. So police showed up trying to search for him. J. Rosemarie (06:36.33) Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (06:59.86) Police dogs were unsuccessful looking for him. Friends and family were unsuccessful looking for him. And so my mother-in-law and I decided to drive through the night, went back home thinking, what in the world? Where is my husband? I am freaking out and still trying to stay positive, assuming the best. Maybe it's a joke. Everything is fine. And the police had. J. Rosemarie (07:15.93) Mm-hmm.

Debbie Baisden (07:27.016) dispersed a helicopter to do some infrared imaging. So that was kind of running behind. And they basically called everybody out of the woods and said, stop looking. This is serious. This isn't going to be a good thing. We need to call in our rookie team because behind the school is a hundred acres of woods. So they're like, he's gotta be somewhere in these hundred acre woods. So we'll have some professionals kind of map out, grid out the land. and do a more organized professional search. In that time, the sun was barely starting to peak up, so everybody was finally having the gift of sunlight. And Erin's sister said, I'm not gonna wait. I'm gonna go find my brother. And so she went marching into the woods, and within about 90 seconds is when we all heard a piercing scream echo from the woods. And I knew that things were bad, J. Rosemarie (08:08.179) Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (08:26.708) but still thought, hey, he broke his leg, everything is fine because this kind of craziness doesn't happen, this is like a movie. And so within a few minutes, a police officer came to me coming out of the woods and said, I'm sorry to tell you, your husband is deceased. And I was obviously blindsided, shocked, numb, this is impossible. And he told me, I knew my husband liked to hunt, he... J. Rosemarie (08:35.347) Right. Debbie Baisden (08:55.892) had been working on his deer stand and he was not strapped in. And so he fell from the tree where his deer stand was that he was working on. So he fell from a very high distance and that was it. That was this defining moment of this most horrible accidental way to end your days here on earth. And J. Rosemarie (09:20.564) Yeah. Debbie Baisden (09:22.24) Just trying to process that, I was in shock, I was in disbelief, I made the wilderness detective take me out into the woods, you know, I wanted to see the tree, I couldn't believe how high he had been, I'll never know the full details of what happened, if something had been slippery, if a branch was weak, I'm not really sure. So it was definitely this unexpected tragedy that invaded our lives. J. Rosemarie (09:32.296)

Mm-hmm. J. Rosemarie (09:47.57) Yeah, yeah, wow. I, that's all I can say, wow. So you had that initial shock because, well, yeah, who wouldn't? At any time, did you feel yourself falling apart, like coming away at the seams, and how did you bring yourself back to center? Debbie Baisden (10:17.064)

Yeah, that's a great question. I think I was feeling like I was disintegrating. Everything that had been my tangible security had been taken from me. I think what kept me from fully imploding, especially in those initial months when just walking to the mailbox was very difficult. Every inch of my home was so emotionally painful. I think the only reason I couldn't fall apart fully was two things. It was God who I had been anchored into long before, even though my faith had been pretty, pretty convenient, a kind of a complacent faith. And the second thing was the responsibility of now I'm a single mom. These children are relying on me for the next meal. They will not wait. They do want to go to school. J. Rosemarie (10:59.009) Yeah. J. Rosemarie (11:08.711) Yes. Debbie Baisden (11:13.916) And so I think that was a good force where you still had to be functional, even though you feel like I'm just unraveling, I'm coming unglued, absolutely, but God was like, you can do all things through me. And that became very true. That became a very concrete reality very quickly. So I feel like I was both falling apart and yet being held together. People were very prayerful. J. Rosemarie (11:29.231)

Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (11:40.68) You know, the way that God uses his people to help others is magnificent. That was really helpful in those days. So I think I was falling apart and not falling apart, if that's possible. J. Rosemarie (11:47.271) Yes. J. Rosemarie (11:53.074) Yeah, yeah, thank you. Thank you for, you know, being so honest and open. And I know it was 2012, but I'm pretty sure it's still raw sometimes. So thank you for sharing. Yeah, you mentioned God, and a lot of times it doesn't matter where on the continuum your faith is you have four boys, you have this husband, you have this life, and all of a sudden, you know, God allows this, you know, this tragedy, you know, He took away your foundation, so to speak. And people sometimes go the other way. They curse God, you know. And so I am always blessed when someone tells me they went through... went through tragedy but they're still holding on to God. So thank you for being honest with that and yeah. All right Debbie Baisden (12:58.952) Yeah, I think that, you know, some people, you know, do turn away. Some people, I think that crisis is a great catalyst for starting their faith. I think, you know, I feel very blessed. I don't take for granted that I had that foundation before the quote unquote storm hit. I think that's what kept me from again, like, you know, just becoming horizontal and being dysfunctional. J. Rosemarie (13:25.402) Yeah, yeah, for sure. All right, thank you. I'm gonna blindside you now. What is, I'm sorry, I don't mean that in an awful way. What is Debbie grateful for today? Debbie Baisden (13:36.529)

I love it. Debbie Baisden (13:41.812) Wow. You know, I'm thankful. I think what something I've been super spotlighting in my own personal life lately is the reminder that Jesus never leaves and he doesn't forsake. His faithfulness is so consistent knowing I am the worst of sinners. I don't deserve any of this. And in his mercy and grace, J. Rosemarie (13:59.983) Amen. Debbie Baisden (14:11.048) He still calls me his. And so I think that's what I'm most thankful for. Obviously, I'm so appreciative of my family, but I think having this death happen really shifted my priorities to say it has to be God above people. It has to. I want this unwavering relationship with him for that everlasting contentment. J. Rosemarie (14:38.034) Yes, yes, thank you. Wow, all right. So I'm reading your profile and I see something about guilt. What kind of guilt could you have, you know, having gone through this turmoil? Debbie Baisden (14:55.024) I didn't expect guilt. That was something that, you know, I guess I just hadn't had such a deep sorrowful experience before. I felt guilt the first time I smiled, the first time I laughed. It was almost like a self-condemnation of how dare you? How dare you feel any ounce of happiness so quickly after such an impactful loss? I felt like that was wrong. J. Rosemarie (15:14.052)

Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (15:23.4) You should be crying all the time. You should frown all the time. You should wear black all the time. It should always be this state of, you know, just this downcastness. And so then the guilt intensified. That was just, that was the easy superficial guilt. But the more time I spent thinking about it, I remembered that before this beach trip with the boys where my husband made these kids peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and sent us down the road, J. Rosemarie (15:31.519)

Yeah. Debbie Baisden (15:53.588) I have reminded Aaron, oh yeah, didn't you say you were going to work on your dear stand while we were gone? And he said, oh yeah, thanks for reminding me. I had forgotten this moment of, wait a minute, what have I done? Did I contribute to this? This whole, like, you know, I can't go back. I can't change that sentence that I said. Would he have remembered, knowing he was very ADHD, would he have remembered?

J. Rosemarie (16:03.389) Ah... Debbie Baisden (16:20.968) He said he was going to work on his deer stand. So I had this guilt of, oh my goodness, did I contribute to his downfall, literally? And then the guilt continued to magnify, knowing I started to like someone else. The concept of any other man being in my future was not on my forecast. I was not looking for love. I didn't want it. I didn't expect it. I was... J. Rosemarie (16:30.678) Mm-hmm. Debbie Baisden (16:48.724) drowning in this single motherhood, and yet it was unstoppable. It was so magnetic, and in the end, it was so God ordained, but I still felt guilty. I felt like a mistress who was cheating on my husband because I don't have a lot of good qualities. One good thing I do have is I'm very loyal, and I had been so loyal to my first husband that it felt very wrong. to like someone else. Even though we had fulfilled our wedding vows, there was no reconciliation, I still struggled with, this feels wrong. It feels like this is, it's weird. It's a different territory to be in. So those were some of the big feelings of guilt that, wow, they really came out of nowhere, absolutely. J. Rosemarie (17:36.806) Yes, yes. Well, those are things that the enemy used to distract us and, you know, hoping that whatever blessing God has in store for you, that you'll feel so condemned, you won't accept those blessings. So I'm glad you kicked him to the curb and, you know, accepted your blessing. Debbie Baisden (18:01.651) Yeah, that's right. J. Rosemarie (18:03.086) Yeah, he's a busybody, you know, always in your business trying to distract you. So yeah, believe me, I know. Yeah. All right. So tell us about your work and tell us how you can help people, especially solo moms. Debbie Baisden (18:07.645)

Ha ha! I love that. That's so true. Debbie Baisden (18:25.356) Yeah, I'm a former school teacher, turned stay-at-home mom. My husband passed away when I was a stay-at-home mom. And within minutes of me telling the boys, I'm sorry, your daddy is dead, my firstborn said, well, what are you gonna do for money? How are we gonna pay for the cell phone? And I had not thought about this. It had not crossed my mind. I'm still trying to process that my husband is in heaven. And so in the weeks and months after, I thought, J. Rosemarie (18:49.111) Hmm. Debbie Baisden (18:54.484)

This is my opportunity for chapter two in life. What do I wanna be when I grow up? And having made my own litter of children, I thought, I don't think I like kids. I can't go back to the classroom. I don't wanna be around 30 of these little people all day long. And so I decided to pursue my new found passion of fitness. I liked helping women make getting in shape convenient because women are so busy and they love so big that they put themselves on the back burner. And I thought, how can I work with that and help it to be as easy as possible to just do exercise for a few minutes a day? And so I decided to get certified and I started leading group workouts at a local park, having moms come with their kids, their kids would play on the playground. I would bring J. Rosemarie (19:27.433) Yep. Debbie Baisden (19:45.128) all the dumbbells, all the workout mats, do a quick workout and let them be on their way. And so what happened over the past decade is it blossomed to online fitness and nutrition businesses that help moms to easily feel their best so that they can pour into their family because so often we're pouring from that empty cup, just feeling depleted, just lethargic. overwhelmed and it's like we want to partner up, link arms with you and say, okay, here's your situation. Let's just make it as easy as possible to look and feel your best so that you can be a great role model for your kids. So you have energy to play with them. So you have the stamina for all the other work demands that are on your plate. And again, just make it something that truly is an easy lifestyle. So that's where. both businesses started from about the same time. One of them is mom sanity, because all moms are crazy and need sanity. And the other is fit with Deb. J. Rosemarie (20:51.287) Ah, okay, I like it. And how can we get in touch with you? Debbie Baisden (20:56.692) You know, I'd love to connect. I do blog about my grief and faith and would love to connect there. My website is super long, but it's debbywilkinsbazden.com. And then you can also check out the fitness and nutrition businesses at fitwithdeb.com and mymomsanity.com. J. Rosemarie (21:18.162) Okay and are you on Instagram? We'll put all those links in the show notes so yeah. Debbie Baisden (21:21.572)

Yes, all over Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Pinterest, all over all the things.

J. Rosemarie (21:25.223) Okay. Okay, great. So we'll put those links in the show notes so people can get in touch with you. All right, I appreciate you Debbie Bason for coming and talking to us today. Any final thoughts, especially one final piece of advice for a solo mom who may be in the spot you were when you lost your husband? Debbie Baisden (21:51.584) Yeah, I think this great loss taught me how superficial my Bible reading had been, how rushed my prayer time had been, that I had drifted into this convenient complacency. And so I would say, don't wait for a crisis to have a plugged in walk with the Lord. I would say as busy as you are, if you can only read one Bible verse a day. If you have to pray while you're locked in the bathroom, I would say keep having this unwavering relationship with the Lord to really put him first, whether you have pain or maybe it's an easy time in life. I really feel like that's the number one. And part of my favorite Bible verse that I think I would leave with is from Proverbs 31, it's towards the end. in verse 25 and it says she can laugh at the days to come. I think we are designed to have joy even when life is really hard. J. Rosemarie (22:55.474) Yes, wow, thank you. That's amazing. I really appreciate you. And I hope one day you'll come back and, you know, let me talk to you again. Yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely, for us too. Thank you, Debbie. I appreciate you. Debbie Baisden (23:03.948) I would love that. Thank you so much for this opportunity. It's such a blessing. Debbie Baisden (23:13.684) Thank you.