How to Conquer Chaos through Mindfulness and Time Management w/ Annie Delre"

Annie Delre: 0:00

You're not a tree, you can move, Tired, Weary, Frustrated.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 0:05

What would you be doing if you weren't raising children alone? What's stopping you from living your best life now? On SoloMoms! Talk, I discussed with solar mothers the challenges you face raising children alone. So if you're a working solar mom dealing with independent children, insensitive bosses, weight and health issues or even debt collectors, join us as we discover your path to get and stay healthy, increase your income and live with joy and purpose. My guest today is Annie Delre. Welcome, Annie, thank you for having me. Sure, all right, so before we get into what you do, could you tell us who is Annie Delre? Annie Delre: 1:14 So I am well, we were just talking about this, but I'm an East Coast gal now living in the West Coast and I'm a coach and I absolutely love what I do. If it's not obvious, with my smile, should I be? Should I be answering with personal things or professional things? J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 1:37 Well, preferably personal, as much as you can, but I mean, I'm not forcing it, so it's okay. Annie Delre: 1:43 Oh yeah, I'm an open book. I'm one of six kids, so big family, and I mean that's actually what got me into this mental health that I'm in and I love my life, I love living in San Diego, I love my boyfriend, I love the community I'm in, so just living life over here. Yeah, I hear you. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 2:08 All right, okay, no, it's all right, we're on a mom show. We're good, kind of fun, yeah, so we met through Podmatch and I'm a bit intrigued by your master's capstone project health coaching as an effective tool for managing stress and anxiety. So this is a show for solar moms. Can you tell us more about the key findings or insights from your research and how this knowledge can benefit solar moms in particular? Annie Delre: 2:56 I think one of the things I liked about my research is they studied multiple fields, so, for example, people after they had a heart attack and were discharged from the hospital. They studied military people. They studied people that are in different schools and academies, how to students, and another one was just adults in general. I don't believe that they're. I don't believe they had anything else in common aside for being an adult, and I would say my solo moms definitely have extreme amount of stress and I guess this is like kind of a duh, but, and a lot of them are at it alone, they don't have a community, they don't have gal pals that they can call up, or they have gal pals who are also stressed out.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 3:53 So, it. Annie Delre: 3:55 Although it's nice to sometimes talk about it together, it's also there's no solutions. Yeah, it's just problem, problem, problem, which I get you know. Sometimes it's just nice to have a listening ear, but then there's no forward movement, right. So, finding that community, that how we're all here to improve, we all want what's best. One of the tips that I give moms, especially during COVID they're comfortable with it is Switch off days. Tuesdays, you take your neighbors kids for two hours, thursdays, they take your kids for two hours. Those two hours will mean everything to you and asking for help. That's the number one challenge with health. Yeah, asking for help. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 4:43

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. And the unfortunate thing sometimes about solo moms having friends that are in similar circumstances is that it's almost like you're in the mud. You know relief is outside the mud, but the people you're, you know seeking relief from are in the mud with you, so you're going to kind of keep staying in that mud, right? I mean, I don't know how else to. Yeah.

Annie Delre: 5:20 Yeah, one of the moms I was describing it as crabs in a barrel. So the idea of once one's trying to claw out, they'll just everybody.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 5:30 Yeah. Annie Delre: 5:33 Ideally, you wouldn't have those people in your life. Ideally, you'd have crabs that would push you up and take you out of narrow. But it's hard for everyone suffering together.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 5:42 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's difficult, but we can always find at least one person who is not in the same situation as we are, who can help us to, you know, see a different perspective, cause sometimes that's all we want, right? I couldn't agree more. Annie Delre: 6:02 Yeah, I also tell people who cares. If you have 500 contacts in your phone and you can't rely on one of them, I'd rather have five contacts in my phone and at least be able to rely on one. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 6:14 Right, yeah, or you know, there's somebody who and I'm, I'm I'm keeping this along because I was a solar mom. I have three adult son, but I was a solar mom for 20 something years and I know what it's like to think that you're alone or nobody wants to hear what you're, you know, going through because everybody has their opinion, Everybody knows what's best for you until until you're in the soup, and then they go mm-hmm, you know, so I understand. Annie Delre: 6:51 I couldn't agree more. Yeah, I couldn't agree more. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 6:56 Yeah, yeah, all right. Yeah, this is fun. So with your extensive background in integrative wellness coaching, could you share some practical tips for solar moms I think you did a couple just now to manage stress and anxiety effectively in, you know, in their daily lives? Annie Delre: 7:20 Sure, yeah, you know. I mentioned the idea of finding a community or at least one person who gets you. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 7:26 Mm-hmm. Annie Delre: 7:28

And the other thing is and I'm sure people have heard this before, but self care isn't. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 7:34 Yeah. Annie Delre: 7:35

And also the idea of a mindset shift of what self-care is. So if you were to ask a group, they'd be like getting your nails done, getting your hair done, monthly massages, which maybe it is Heck. Yeah, right, I'm here. I'm here for that, yeah, but it could be 10 minutes of silence. It could be taking an afternoon off. It could be waking up 10 minutes earlier to journal or pray or meditate. It could be taking a cooking class that you normally wouldn't and I did say this earlier but asking for help. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 8:14 Yes.

Annie Delre: 8:15 So, whether it's a community or someone, you're paying.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 8:18 Yes. Annie Delre: 8:19 Or, as I mentioned, exchanging, like you take the kids for a little bit, I take the kids for a little bit.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 8:25 Yeah, that's a good idea, yeah. Annie Delre: 8:29

Of course you want to trust the family, but I'm working with one mom on she's not a single mom, so I should say that, but there's so little mom. Excuse me, but she wants to make, she's a new mom and she wants to make friends with the moms at her daughter's school. Okay, Very important for her and I think that's a beautiful idea. Yeah, so go to the birthday parties and invite the kids over. Try to have get togethers, a trunk or treat you know, all of these different things, yeah, to build those relationships. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 9:02 Yeah, yeah, thank you. Yeah, I know self care got overdone, but it's not because it's not important. One of my former guests said that tie a red ribbon on your door, on your bathroom door, when you want to take a break. So the kids know that when that ribbon's on the bathroom door, mom needs to be left alone. Annie Delre: 9:26 I love that. Yeah, yeah, visual yes. J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 9:31 Yes, I love it. Okay, all right, so tell us, tell us what you do for your clients and how we can get in touch with you.

Annie Delre: 9:41 A big thing that I help with is time management. Okay, time management, it's a game changer, especially if you have I mean, with one child, yes, but multiple children, different schedules. They may be different age groups, one may be male and female and that may make a difference. So we're not binary. I guess I shouldn't just say that. But the idea is managing your time. The lack of management of time is leading to stress and your stress is leading to lack of management of time.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn): 10:18 Got it, yeah, okay, and how can we get in touch with you? Annie Delre: 10:23 I would just recommend going to my site. It's AnnieDelraycom. I have social media. I don't love it. Oh, and one more tip really quick is also so there's important to build a community, but it's just as important to cut out the people who aren't adding value, these toxic people. It is just as important To push them aside in the nicest way possible. Yeah, yeah. So I want to say that really quick too.

Okay, all right, sure, and I'm not done with you. I'm just, I'm not done with you yet, no need to rush there. We got time. Okay, all right. Can you share some real life success stories or examples of that you've seen, how you've seen these approaches make a positive impact on on people's lives?

Okay, yeah, I'd love to One of the. I'll just stick with time management for a moment. One of the tips is time blocking, which some people have either tried in the past and it worked out, or doing some type of version. But you may have come across this as well, is there's been adults now diagnosed with ADHD who have had it for years but finally are getting that diagnosis. So now they're trying to put their life together with this new knowledge of. Wow, I was struggling, my brain was actively working against me. What do I have to do? So I'm just trying to say, like, especially with my ADHD clients, but with everyone is building mindfulness around time. Step one. So what that looks like is go to the dollar store or write it on a piece of paper or there's free printouts online of you could do it by hour blocks, 30 minutes. I do it by 15 minutes because some of my sessions are 45 minutes, so it makes sense to do the 15. And start with because again, the idea is mindfulness backtracking. Go to the last few days and fill it out when did you spend your time? What were time wasters and the easiest day? The easiest way to do that is color code. So I have my clients. I'm making up these colors, but green is work, blue is family time, pink is self care and red is wasted time. This is scrolling social media. This is gossiping on the phone. This is complaining. So what you're doing is I know I keep using the word mindfulness, but it's just the best one building this awareness of where is my time going, because I don't mean this meanly, but sometimes the excuse of I don't have time is an excuse. There is time, it's just not utilized in the best way, not prioritized.

Yeah, yeah, but you know who has time for all that malarkey. I mean, getting organized takes time, right, yeah, and solo moms don't have time, you know. So how do you address that complaint, that excuse?

I ask them to identify their values and what do they prioritize? So a lot of people. If you ask values immediately, they'd be like family. Okay, how much time are you spending with your family? Oh well, we all grab our electronics and go to our rooms. We don't eat dinner together, the morning is so hectic, we don't talk, and so their life is not lining up to their value more values. So no wonder we're not feeling good, no wonder we're stressed out or teaching skills such as delegation. What can you delegate and it doesn't always have to be things that you pay for. If you can afford someone to clean your house once a week, whoo. Once a month, whoo. If you can't you can't Do your nails at home. You want to feel pretty, like, try a new hairstyle? Yeah, there's other ways in order to fill your cup that aren't the typical ways. If you were to read a blog post, it would tell you right, just do this. Something else was coming to mind and now I totally, I totally lost it. It was the question of what happens when we don't have time to manage time. Right, yeah, okay, that's basically it.

Yeah.

Yeah, definitely the values. Another one is, for example, people say they value loyalty. That makes sense, but they work for a boss who constantly takes their ideas. They date on and off people who aren't loyal to them. They have friends who aren't loyal and it's like oh, you're welcoming so much stress into your life. Yeah, it's unconscious for the most part. I'm not like shame on you making this decision. You're probably doing it unconsciously.

Yeah.

So once you get clear on those top three values, especially the number one, and start living your life in a line with your values, you're like, wow, this doesn't have to be as hard as I'm making it on myself.

Yeah, that's true. That's true, I love it. Thank you All right. So what is Annie grateful for today?

Ooh, probably being on the podcast. I really love reaching multiple people and teaching multiple people at a time.

Yeah, yeah, podcasting is awesome, so it was. Yeah, I really appreciate you coming and talking to us today, and these conversations with solo moms are for and on behalf of solo moms are so. They're so enlightening and helpful, and I always enjoy when guests come on and just freely give off themselves so that we can absorb some stuff we've learned. Sometimes we've heard it before, like self-care, but sometimes it's nice to hear it again, to be reminded and also to get a different take on the topic. Yeah, so here's another controversial one. So work life balance Ooh.

This is a big one that I teach and number one, step one, is your mindset around it. So we hear the word balance and we're like balance 50 50. I have to do it all, I have to be the best professional or I have to start a business, because that's what the moms on Instagram are telling me.

Or.

I have to give 100% to work and 100% to being a parent, and ideally that would be ideally, yeah, in a perfect world, yeah. We're not perfect, so neither is the world. No one is like let me meet the person that is. But yeah. So change that word balance to harmony. How can I make this harmonious? Scrap the word balance, because that is what's stressing you out. We don't want 50 50.

No.

Do we really Like I don't want to spend 50% of my life working. My job, I feel like, is a lot of fun because I'm doing my passion, but still it's it's work. I buy a lot time that I it's not free time, it's being in meanings, showing up. So asking people. Another thing I do with them is have them rate percentages like so like a pie chart, and where a percentages are they spending time? So if it's 75% work and you are valuing family and you're not even getting 50% of the time, somewhat like the values like yeah. That's why you're not feeling so good, right, right, yeah.

And I think sometimes the work life balance thing, you know, if I may, you know, repeat the term is easier depending on where you work, because I remember I worked for an employer that you know Work day was pretty fluid. You know, there are days when I was so stressed out, stressed out, I walk over to the next desk and say I'm just stressed out, can we go for a walk? And we just walk out. You know, we come back and there's no problem. A lot of solar moms don't have that option. You know they'll be dying and they're saying you better do this and you better, and you need to work overtime too. You know, you know, so I, you know, I fully understand, and we need people like you To help us see different ways that we can manage To to live while we're providing for our children.

That's that's exactly it and. And allowing people to realize you're not a tree. You can move, I Know. And and also you are actively making choices. You're making the choice to have that job, to have that boss. Yeah, I don't want to push aside the importance of something like health insurance. Yes, that is super important. But I'm here to say there are plenty of jobs that offer health insurance. True, so I Sometimes work with moms on changing their career. They don't have to quit overnight, but you probably should be looking at some free courses online. Yeah, I'll update your LinkedIn profile. Yeah, start networking putting you know, okay, putting feelers out there. Update your resume slowly. Some clients Literally our sessions are going line-to-line on their resumes or cover letters. That is what we're doing, or finding courses for them to take, because what they say is I don't have time to even do this, so we schedule a session. This is the allotted time 3045 minutes. This is what we're doing. Yeah, and I've had people end sessions and tears of like I would have never done this had we not had the hair. Yeah okay, that's why we ask for help.

Yeah, and it's good, because that shows us that we're not stuck, because that's that's the place we often fit feel that we belong stuck Until the kid is 18 and goes off to college.

So and even then like cut the cord and yeah, exist.

Yeah, all right, that's awesome. I thank you and tell us your Okay, so I'll get your LinkedIn and your Instagram and we put it in the show notes so people could get in touch with you Any parting shots.

Hmm, I guess what I would. Now that we brought up social media, I guess what I would also say about that is be really careful of what you consume. These perfect moms they don't exist. That's why you find out about scandals about YouTube. Moms who actually like lock their kids in the basement or whatever. That one mom dead there's. One mom made a huge deal about adopting a child from another country and then sent the child back after she made this like name for herself. Mm-hmm of how amazing she is and how perfect her family is. So just. And then my second tip to that would be unfollow their accounts. That's super cute girl from high school who has a bigger house than you and isn't a healthy relationship. Unfollow, yeah, that family member who Makes snide comments about not having a partner, you not having a part, and follow them. Yes, don't spend the holidays with them. Yes, this is part of our choices as, yeah, human beings.

Absolutely yeah, I love the take. You know you have, you're not stuck, you have choices, choices, yeah.

And in a powering way. It's not shame you, it's like actually, gal pal. This is the best news. This is the best news. Yes, you have a decision.

Whoo, yes, absolutely, thank you. Annie Delre for coming and talking to us on solo mom's talk. I really appreciate you.

Oh, I appreciate this opportunity, thank you.

Yes, we sure you.