Navigating Toxic Relationships, An Empty Nest & Financial Hardship w/ Tanya Davis

J. Rosemarie : 0:00 Tired, weary, frustrated. What would you be doing if you weren't raising children alone? What's stopping you from living your best life? Now, on Solar Mom's talk, I discuss with Solar Mothers the challenges you face raising children alone. So if you're a working Solar Mom dealing with independent children, insensitive bosses, weight and health issues or even debt collectors, join us as we discover your path to get and stay healthy, increase your income and live with joy and purpose. J. Rosemarie: 1:00

My guest today is Tanya Davis. She's a life coach who's passionate about empowering women or juggling a career and single motherhood. Welcome, Tanya. Tanya Davis: 1:11 Thank you. Thank you, Jen, for having me. I really do appreciate it. J. Rosemarie: 1:14 Yes, it's my pleasure. Thank you for coming. Before we get into what you do and your life story as much as you want to share, could you tell us who is Tanya Davis? Tanya Davis: 1:27 So I am. I don't know. I thought about this question for a while. How do I answer this? And so really, who I am is I'm multifaceted. But first, who I am is I am a servant. I am a servant leader who enjoys helping to be able to empower single moms and career women. I'm a single mom myself. I'm actually transitioning to an empty nester. I've been an empty nester now probably for about two or three years, but the first year I did it all the way, except me being an empty nester and still clinging on a little bit to my son. I am a newlywed, so I just got married last year, and then also I am a government employee, so I enjoy helping our small businesses be able to grow and excel within the government sector. J. Rosemarie: 2:24 Okay, all right, thank you. So lots to unpack and lots of value in your experience and background. So feel free to share as openly as you want to. Okay, okay, stay awesome, okay. So the first part I want you to share as much as you can is how did you become a single mom, or solo mom as we like to say here, and I usually ask this question because someone else can learn from whatever challenge you face and how you overcame those challenges. I mean, your children are grown now. So are mine, but tell us you know any party journey that you could share with us. We'd appreciate it. Tanya Davis: 3:08 Yeah, so I became a single mom. Really Well, I became pregnant during my senior year of college and at that time I had many people wanting me to take alternative routes for becoming a parent, because they were fearful of what this journey may be, or really just kind of dropping their fear onto me. And so I decided during college to continue on with my studies and to also continue on with having my son. And so at the time when I finally did his name Sammy, when I finally did have Sammy, I still didn't fully realize that I was a solo mom. I was still holding onto that hope, or that perfect picture that we oftentimes imagine, that oh, it's he's. You know the father's going to stay, the father will be there and we're going to be this perfect family, right With the big house and a white picket fence and 2.5 children. That didn't work out very well, and so when I first ended up being a single mom, I first realized that when I went to the building, to the, to get governmental assistance, and, you know, during this time I was asking the father. You know, I need your help, I need assistance, and at this time we were young and we were going back and forth in regards to the custody, the money and everything else that comes with becoming that new solo parent right, holding onto that passion, holding onto that love, holding onto anger as well. And so I went to this building to try to get help and I remember filling out all the paperwork. So at the time it was not really streamlined. You had to fill out a lot like 20 different papers right To be able to get assistance. And so I remember filling out all the paperwork and telling them you know, I have a job lined up. I'm just on a deferment right now. I'll start my career in six months. And so they saw the paperwork, they saw the salary that I would be making and they turned me away. They turned me away because I made $4 over $4 over the limit and I was told no, we aren't able to help you at this time. And I just remember just so you know I'm not gonna lie we went back and forth, right, with some conversation. I'll put it that way we went back and forth with some conversation and I just went to the lobby and cried and just realized, wow, I'm really in this by myself, I'm really in this alone, and I don't know what resources or what connection points that I can have to be able to get help. And so I believe it was at that moment where I truly realized that, okay, I'm going to have to figure this out, I'm going to have to get and I was already strong but I'm really going to have to wrap my head around. What are the kind of, what are the next steps? What are the actions that I need to take in order to really ensure that my son succeeds and then also that I succeed in this? So and there's more to that in regards to what was happening within, also realizing that there was a toxic relationship, a relationship that was not healthy, but you know, it takes seven to 10 times to be able to get out of a toxic relationship. And so I think I was probably right there at six, right, and I was kind of realizing that I had to get out. I was still, I was still holding on, still holding on, still holding on. But you know, when the carpet's pulled from underneath you, you have no choice but to get up and to keep walking. Yeah, at that point, that's what I realized is that I must get up, I must keep walking and at some point, when I get to you know number eight, number nine, number 10, then it's time to go. And it still took a while after that, probably a few years after that, several years after that, to truly realize that, you know, I must pour into myself in order to be able to pour into my son and help him to succeed. J. Rosemarie: 7:27 Yeah, yeah, it's definitely a struggle, especially when there's a third party, and If they're not involved, then that's what they are a third party that we, we can hold on to and just Do they just mock up the system, don't they? Yeah, yeah, you let them mock up the system. So you know, I understand that because I've been there. Tanya Davis: 7:52 Say like enough is enough. You know Stronger than this, I'm bigger than this. Yeah. J. Rosemarie: 7:58 I. Tanya Davis: 8:00

Believe them in my own strength. I believe, first of all, in the Lord and what he has done, and that he'll get me through, just like he got me through so much more. J. Rosemarie: 8:08 Yes, yes, definitely, and it isn't it amazing how You're expected to survive on money that just Isn't there yet, or was there last year, but it's not there right now. Nobody seems to understand that the money you made last year, if you're not making it now, it doesn't really matter what you made last year. Tanya Davis: 8:34 And what was about that situation is that, you know, I had a letter saying that I will be working, but I had just graduated from college. So I really, oh my gosh and it's not like my parents would not have been there for me, they would have, you know. But there's something that I guess it's just me really being independent and me saying I chose to have my son and so I need to make this. I need to make this work.

J. Rosemarie: 9:02 Right yeah. Tanya Davis: 9:03 Yeah, I don't know they. They told me that I had enough money and I was like well, I got four dollars in my bank account. J. Rosemarie: 9:09 So yeah, I don't. I don't get that. They're basing You're your kid wanting to eat today on the money you're gonna be making next month or next year or whatever. It's just just unbelievable, right.

Tanya Davis: 9:23 Yeah, and there was. I call her my angel. There was an angel as she saw me sitting in the lobby just pouring out, and to this day, I tell her, I really don't know where Sammy was during this whole situation, but I remember just sitting there crying, and you know one of the employees, she was coming back from her lunch and she saw me just standing there balling and just saying you know what's wrong, how, how can I help you? How can I best help you to get out the situation? And first of all, get you out this lobby. Looking, looking the way you're looking right. And so went out to the back and so I was able to get what we call TANF, but temporary assistance for needy families. That only lasted about three or four months. It helped me to get to the point of being able to To pay the minimum bills, but it didn't help me, you know, for those two or three years where I really needed it to be able to my career and my income. J. Rosemarie: 10:21 Yeah, but you gave you some breathing room, which which was good, I guess, yeah, at the time, right? So, um, we covered that. And I also want to touch on the empty nest apart, because I'm in that journey. I've just, you know, you know, probably the same time as you, you, I have three sons or adults, and the youngest is 28. So you know, but they didn't leave home until late, late, late. Tanya Davis: 10:49 I had like my email and that's all. J. Rosemarie: 11:00 Yeah, right, yeah, so so, and I understand, it is a difficult thing when it's just you and them, because now you're thinking it's just me and you're thinking what do I do now? Right, yeah, yeah, what was that like for you, that that point, when you realize it's just you. Tanya Davis: 11:30 Well, there was a lot of change in transitioning happening at the time, which is birth of a butterfly rising Institute kind of came from my past. And then that pivotal point in regards to where, okay, pivot transition, what is it that you need to do, amy? You know he went off the college during the pandemic. So right at the start of the pandemic he went off the college. So I was really just stuck in this house by myself, 24, seven, and of course, now my husband. But I had my fiancee at the time too. But there's nothing like having a daily conversation with your son or with your child, knowing that they are safe. And I think first I needed to fill that void in regards to, okay, I need to feel like he's safe. I need to know that he's safe because he's all the way in another state. You know he was at another college in another state in the middle of a pandemic, I don't know. You know how you create stories in your head like the guy's about to fall and he's gonna be right there when the sky falls. You think of unrealistic things. Right, that's going to happen. That's exactly what I did a lot of times. You know it's through prayer. It's through prayer, it's through friendships, it's through the understanding that. Let me match my imagination with reality. Yeah, how do I do that? So I had to put in different steps in the place to understand that he was safe. Son, you need to call me. And he got irritated. But, son, you need to call me at least once a day. Let me know your thing, even if it's a text. That's what you do, that's it, that's good enough. As soon as I started feeling relaxed about that, I started to really say okay, tanya, what is your next step? What is it that you want to do? You know, I knew that I didn't want to be an employee forever, so it's okay. What is it that you want to do now? And at this point I decided I'm always used to being busy, so I took the initiative which I still don't understand till this day, as I write all these papers being a PhD student. So I was student right now myself in regards to really being able to uplift myself and then also being able to ensure that I can help others, and then also being a reverend at my church. So, although I was an empty nester, I was able to fill that time. However, what I would say, where I probably me being transparent, where I probably made the mistake at, is that I wasn't, I was scared of the silence. But to really embrace the silence, really embrace the silence and be able to understand that, hey, this is your moment to really be able to say who am I right now? Right, identity, so long have been Sam's mom, yes. Well, oh, there, here comes that mama again you know, I think out here she come, what she about to say. I changed so many policies and rules in it all, but you know I wasn't that mom anymore, you know so now truly Tanya the empty nester Tanya, you know about to become the new wife, or Tanya, who's the reverend? You know there's different identities but yes, the pandemic really helped me to embrace that silence, even though I was nervous at first, but to really embrace it yes, awesome. J. Rosemarie: 14:58 Thank you. I really appreciate you sharing that part. The empty nice thing is really. It can be really stressful and, you know, create depression, and so I am happy you shared that because I am going through some stuff on writing down some stuff about that right now. So thank you you're welcome. Tanya Davis: 15:17 Yeah, I would love to hear you on the discussion. J. Rosemarie: 15:20 Yes, yes, sure, all right. So we talk about you know your life, your personal life, and now I want to talk about this stuff that you're doing as a coach, and I think there are some more things. So what, what more? What is your motivation behind coaching solo moms and also the other work you're doing? Explain those you know that work and just tell us what. What are you doing for us? Tanya Davis: 15:56 so butterfly rising Institute is the Institute for single moms, solo moms, and so what I really focus in on is taking my business background. So I started in auditing and accounting and Lane Six Sigma and everything else right, and I started there and I remember, as I was going through my highly toxic relationship of realizing, as I mentioned before, something needs to change. And so what I did is I took what I, what tools I had, which was change management, change management principles and being able to really take a plan. So here's my current state, right. So my current state at that time was really just going through different elements of toxicity, so not even to explain it all, but you could think of the worst thing imaginable. That's what I was going through in regards to toxicity. But I knew that as soon as I started to kind of spill over to my son that things needed to change, things needed to be different, for a while there I was able to protect, right. I was able to say, okay, I'm the only one who's gonna impact it, I'm the only one being touched. But that was totally wrong. You know, they see it, they hear it, they internalize it, they feel it. So I took these different change management principles and what we call an A3, which is nine simple boxes on an A3 sheet of paper and you map out what is it that you want to do. So I had the current state of high toxic relationship. Second box is what do you want your future to be? Happiness or happiness? How is it that you get there? And so I took my background in auditing and change management and I was able to kind of map out step by step, realizing because of my logical brain that change doesn't come overnight. And so I took me and Sammy and we went basically day by day with implementing this plan for a change and being able to really start the flourish and be where I am at today, and then also, of course, I'll never forget prayer, but then being able to implement that. So really I want to be able to bring that to the woman that I serve for single moms. And then also wanting to get rid of the shame. So I remember in my career, when I first started my career, there was all this like you know, you're trying to hide, but you can't really hide right, especially when you're the only black woman in a room where no one looks like you. So you can't really hide saying, okay, well, I'm black, I'm woman, of course you can see that, but maybe I can hide the fact that I'm a single mom and that I can go to these happy hours with all of you and do all these things. But I really want to be able to get rid of that shame to where you can have that open and transparent conversation at your employer at your place of work, to say, okay, this is who I am and this is how we can meet each other's needs. So it's a lot in regards to the Institute, but it's really just being able to provide that safe space, provide communication skills and then also having the ability to implement change in your life one step at a time. J. Rosemarie: 19:32 Okay, all right, thank you, I like that. In a minute I'm going to ask you to give us all your contact, how we can get in touch with you and stuff like that. But I wanted to judge on God and prior and faith, because one of the pivotal points for me raising my two youngest sons is finding out that God was my father and I learned how to see myself as God sees me. Right, how has faith, how much of a role has faith, played in your transformation? Because by your story I could see the transformation and tell us how much of a role faith plays and still plays in your life right now. Tanya Davis: 20:28 I can honestly say, in the beginning I had little faith, right. It was scary, you know not being able to eat, not being able to transport my child and just wondering okay, god, why, why am I in this position? But then, as I continued to go to church, I found a church when Sammy was two years old. I said I can't do this on my own. How is it that you can best help me? How is it that I can pour into whatever kingdom it is that you have me to serve? So then, god, that I can be within your light. And so it was that small bits of faith that helped me to get through. I don't know if there was a structure, I don't know if there was a clicking moment, but it grew moment by moment. So, you know, when I wasn't able to eat, all of a sudden I would have food show up at my door. It was a moment where my son needed a coat. I couldn't afford a coat for him, so then people from the church brought him all sorts of coats to be able to get through the winter. You know, it's faith like that, where you're praying, you're praying, you're praying, and I don't want to make a scene like God's a genie. We all know that he's not a genie, right, and the whole story I had to go through because I wouldn't be sitting here right now able to help women with the tools that I have unless I went through that. So faith definitely carried me through in regards to just believing, and when I had to deal with my disbelief, that's where other people were praying for me. It's important to have that circle around you of women who will pray with you. You know, my sorority sisters that I have. You know they they're all prayer lawyers too. Where we had, we were still meeting now, 20 years later, where we have a Bible. We have a Bible study every two weeks with each other. We started this in our you know, young, 20s or whatever, and really just building faith that way, where we were all still new to Christianity. What does this mean? As young adults, as adults and as transition adults? So that's what's important for me. J. Rosemarie: 22:37 Yes, thank you, and the pivotal moment I see is when you decided that you needed help. That was your pivotal moment, right. Tanya Davis: 22:46 Yeah, that was my, that was my pivotal moment of understanding that you know this. This can't be done alone. There needs to be a safe space to be able to do this at yes, reminds of you at the time, you know, with my friend circle at the time and the communities that I was involved with and working in corporate America, there was really no one to be able to relate to In regards to single parenting or going through the different arguments, and that they can understand what was happening in the home place. So, yeah, so yeah, able to share my story fully. I don't know if I was really able to do that, which is why I love you know solo moms, what you're doing, and then also with VR eyes, to be able to provide that safe space. J. Rosemarie: 23:36 Yes. Tanya Davis: 23:36 We can go to. J. Rosemarie: 23:38 Yes, yes, and it's interesting to point out that you went to the source, because a lot of time, when we're in that situation, we turn to relationships that are, you know, take us out of the frying pan and into the fire. So you know, I really want to point those things out, because when we're in this journey, it's sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees and we make the wrong decision, makes the wrong choices, but you turn to the source, your source, instead of you know you could have gone another way. So I wanted to point that out and say congrats on that, yeah.

Tanya Davis: 24:18 I mean, you know, it was tempting right, yeah. I was in my. I was in my twenties. You know I got pregnant at 21. So I was not able to enjoy the full benefits of being 21. J. Rosemarie : 24:31 Yeah. Tanya Davis: 24:32

And so just balancing that as well, like see your friends going out having fun and you're like, oh well, I can't find a sitter and I didn't trust many people with my son Right, so I was just at home. But yeah, definitely being able to be grounded and have those those sources, yes, For sure, all right. J. Rosemarie: 24:54 What is Tanya grateful for today? Tanya Davis: 24:57 So I am grateful for my family, I am grateful to have my health and just grateful to be able to serve, to serve in his kingdom and to be able to hopefully wake up very morning and say, god, that I make you proud, you know, and hopefully I'm able to help at least one person per day. So that's what I'm grateful for is that ability to be able to do so and just having the support and love that I have.

J. Rosemarie: 25:29 Okay, awesome, thank you. And how can we get in touch with you? Give us your handles, you know, just tell us. Tanya Davis: 25:37

Yeah, so our website is butterflyrisinginstitute.com, and then our Instagram is btrfly_underscore_rise, and then we have a phone number 8334, we rise.

J. Rosemarie: 25:52 Okay, and we'll put those links in the show notes, don't we? Oh, okay, okay, yeah, we will. I always like you to repeat it so that if somebody's listening to the podcast, they can just switch if they need to. You know, so it's convenient. Yeah, that works. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right, I really appreciate you coming and spending some time with us and, before I let you go, do you have one or two pieces of advice for a solo mom in a situation? Tanya Davis: 26:23 My advice is to really take it one step at a time, to be able to understand that it may look difficult now, but, as we always say, joy comes in the morning. So it seems like there may not be a solution right now, but to understand that with action, with movement, that something will come. And to just keep that in mind, keep moving, keep going and just understand to also take care of yourself. Not we pour into our kids a lot, which is understandable, but also pour into yourself because, as we both realize, you're soon to become an empty nester. They don't stay kids forever. So just to remember, to always think about what are those next steps that you're gonna go into? J. Rosemarie: 27:10 Right, okay, thank you, tanya Davis, for coming and talking to us on solo mom's talk. I really appreciate you.

Tanya Davis: 27:16 Well, thank you for having me, and I once again feel honored to just be able to be on this platform. J. Rosemarie: 27:23

Okay, and anything else you wanted to share before we go. Tanya Davis: 27:28 No, not that I can think of right now. Just please look at our website. We will have classes and groups opening up at the beginning of next year, and we also have an event coming up in November. That's in person.

J. Rosemarie: 27:42 Okay, all right, thank you. Oh, last but not least, so if for live events, what state are you in? Where are you located? Tanya Davis: 27:54 I'm in Colorado. Okay, all right, cool Mountain state. J. Rosemarie: 27:58

Okay, all right, thank you. Thank you. No, hang up yet. All right, okay, thank you.