Transforming Family Dynamics Through Love-Based Parenting w/ Jim White

J. Rosemarie (Jenn) Host 00:00 Tired, weary, frustrated. What would you be doing if you weren't raising children alone? What's stopping you from living your best life? Now, on SoloMoms! talk, I discuss with solo mothers the challenges you face raising children alone. So if you're a working Solar Mom dealing with independent children, insensitive bosses, weight and health issues or even debt collectors, join us as we discover your path to get and stay healthy, increase your income and live with joy and purpose.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn) Host 01:00 My guest today is Coach Arthur and founder of the Family Enrichment Academy, Jim White. Thanks for coming and talking to us on SoloMoms! talk, Jim. Jim White Guest 01:10 Absolutely. I'm excited to be here. J. Rosemarie (Jenn) Host 01:13 Yes, for sure. All right, before we talk about what you do, could you tell us who is Jim White?

Jim White Guest 01:18 Yeah, a little background on myself. So I grew up in the Midwest. My wife and I have been married now for 41 years. It's a long time. We actually met in high school, so we're the classic high school romance that made it through. Over the years that we've been married, we've had six children, and that's a big part of my interest in family and family enrichment and actually our youngest is now in college and so we have adult children and we have 13 grandchildren right now. So our family picture if people are curious, you can go to my website and you'll see a picture of the whole gang, but it's a big picture now and it's hard to get everybody together. We have multiple family units going, but we do try to do it at least once a year, so, but anyway. So that's my background. 02:10 I've always had an interest in a passion for personal development, which sort of led into the family enrichment. When you think about it, our role as a parent is to help develop our children, and so that that passion for personal development was just a natural extension into parenting as well as my own development as well. So in where I'm at in my life I mentioned, my youngest child is now in college Over the last several years, I've just found myself being called, if you will, to share some of the wisdom gained over those 40 years of marriage and having children, and so that's. That was the sort of the, the incentive to form. The family enrichment academy is to be a vehicle to fulfill that calling and just share strategies and ideas and thoughts for parents that are out there making their way through that journey of being a parent. J. Rosemarie (Jenn) Host 03:07 All right, thank you for sharing. As a divorcee, I can appreciate you being brave and responsible enough for sticking it out for 41 years. I mean that's awesome. That's something I would have wanted for myself and it's just awesome to talk to someone who has been there and, you know, keeping it together for the rest of us as an example. Thank you, yeah.

Jim White

Guest

03:29

It's a, it's a challenge, but, as you mentioned, I mean, I like to say they haven't all been sunny days. We've had our share of cloudy days and some storms as well, through our marriage, but it's just. You know, we've been able to continue to. And actually one of my messages I'll just go ahead and share is you know, within all of us we have these two competing mindsets, and one of them is fear-based and the other one is love-based, and part of our journey has been okay. When things start to get a little tough and things aren't going as well, it's like we always recognize that's when we were being more fearful, you know, and you start to become from that fearful place and if we can be intentional about changing that mindset and becoming more love-based, it just puts you in a better place to be able to heal whatever has damage has been done, but then also to create a future. You know it's a more compelling future that you're putting out there in front of yourself when you come from that love-based mindset.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

04:29

So I like that insight, because if you're coming from a place of love not lost, then you don't just love you, you love the other person, and that drives you to action. Right yeah, it does.

Jim White

Guest

04:43

And that's really the fundamental message I have with parents as well. It's about the first step in the parenting process is for the parent to stay love-based, and with our children sometimes we become fear-based, and it's not that their love's not there, it's just that we don't always react or respond out of love. Sometimes we react or respond out of fear and that tends to damage the relationship with the child and it doesn't support and empower the child to be their absolute best. And if we can be intentional first about our own mindset and being love-based, then we can go build connection. And then part of what we're doing is we're modeling that love-based approach to life to the child and so they start to learn to become more love-based, which just makes their life work better as well. It gives them perspective that maybe is different than if it's a fearful place. So it's part of the ongoing process with parents and teaching it to their children as well.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

05:52

And where do you think I imagine it may be come from the past, but where do you think a lot of this fear comes from, and can you explain those type of fears that cause us to inappropriately raise our children?

Jim White

Guest

06:08

Yeah, it's just part of the human experience. We all have that fearfulness. When we feel disconnected that's what, I think, where it starts we start to feel alone, but it's rude. It's us feeling isolated and alone and then we feel vulnerable and then we get fearful. Now the way it comes out with a parent is I've heard parents with younger children they go out to the grocery and the young child starts to act out, if you will, and the parent is responding more from embarrassment about that they're going to look bad and that people are going to talk about them, which, if you think about it, is fearful. They're fearful of their own image, if you will, or how they're going to be perceived, and so then they respond out of that by however they deal with the child, but it's usually not a real productive response, whereas if they're more love grounded, they can be okay with that difficult circumstance and then they respond to the child differently as a result. When the kids get older, you're sending that teenager out in a car on Saturday night for the first time. It's a fearful place to be right Because you're worried about them. And again, it's just part of our human condition, but part of what I try to encourage parents to think about is when you're love based. Part of the peace that comes with that is knowing that if that child makes a mistake, love can always heal what happens. And so, even if there is an issue, if you can then approach that with love, you're going to be able to heal and move the situation forward.

07:51

And the other thing that's interesting is it leads to a more of a growth mindset, and so I think a lot of times parents see these circumstances or challenges as being bad things. It's something went wrong where I encourage them to say this is a gift. This circumstance that your child has gotten themselves into a difficult or a bad spot is a gift because it's a teaching moment. It's a chance for you to help them grow and learn and develop. And what they're going to learn, it's interesting. A lot of times what they're learning is they're learning to be resilient, for example, and resiliency is going to serve them forever out into their life. Or they're learning to be resourceful, or they're learning that they can get through a problem and it builds confidence in them that they trust I can solve this, I can handle this. So really those circumstances can be viewed as a gift, and then when you do that, it just changes the whole context around it and the environment and allows you to really take it and use it for the good of the family and that child.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

08:55

I can totally relate as a divorce mom who's raised three boys in honor on the fear, and I raised two teenagers in Brooklyn, so I can understand the fear, but I do like what you teach because we could benefit from shifting that mindset from you. Know the fear, but I've never heard it mentioned as love, because I mean every parent loved their child, right, right. So can you expand on that concept of raising your children from a place of love?

Jim White

Guest

09:37

Yeah, and it's a great distinction, because we all have love in us, and sometimes when I say that, I say it at the risk of the parents saying, oh, wait a minute, you're saying I don't love my child, right, and that's not what I'm saying at all. We have that love inside us. The question is, how often are you responding or acting out of that love and so that becomes it's? Love is an action type of a process, and so do you engage with the child with compassion or forgiveness? You know those are gratitude. You know those are love based attributes that become a part of, and, like I mentioned, the growth mindset. That, to me, is a love based. You know, creativity and growth comes out of love. There's a certain energy to it, and so that's what I'm talking about is being intentional and choosing. That it's kind of like. It's kind of a strange analogy.

10:29

But think about your health and wellness journey and trying to eat better. I mean, you go to the cupboard and there's, you know, a chocolate, donut or something healthy. They're both there, but you just have to choose which one you're going to eat at the moment. Right, and the same thing is true with fear and love. They're both in us and it's a matter of when. You know, are we being intentional and are we growing? I love this idea of a journey because if you take the day, you know maybe 50% of the time I'm engaging from a love based mindset and the other 50 from a fear base, and that's just the way it is today. And the question is can, tomorrow, can I be 51% love based and 49% fear based, and then the next day go 52, 40. I mean, am I growing? And there's going to be times when you go backwards too, because circumstances will pop up that will sort of set you back a step or two. But then it's about okay, let's be aware.

11:28

I talk a lot with my parents about being aware of where am I right now, where am I coming from, so that I can then make a choice. And a lot of times we aren't aware, we just respond or react out of habit, without being intentional about that choice that we're making. And so it's the process of choosing love. It's not that love's not there, it's just the process of choosing love is what a lot of my coaching is around in encouraging people and challenging them and inviting them to do that as a possibility, you know, to choose the love perspective, but we do, and it's interesting, I think a lot of times our culture and just a lot of the input that we get tends to condition us to be more fearful as opposed to being more love based, and so we have to make an effort at it and that's part of it. So hopefully that sort of addresses what you're talking about.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

12:26

Yeah, yeah, for sure, of course, thanks. You know we have a lot of challenges as parents, right, and raising children alone as opposed to having a mate is a little different.

Jim White

Guest

12:43

Absolutely.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

12:44

But the kids are the same right. I mean, a teenager is going to be a teenager whether they're raised by a single mom or, you know, a loving family. So what are some of the challenges you're bumping into now with parents that you coach? What are some of the common problems? Common challenges. Yeah, especially with teenagers. And what are you telling these parents to? How are you showing them to address this?

Jim White

Guest

13:14

Yeah, that's a great question, which the first thing I want to point to as part of your question is that there, every family situation and circumstance is unique. You raised three boys as a single mother. No-transcript, there could be somebody that had two boys and a girl as a single mother. You did it. It's. Your neighborhood is different than my neighborhood, your school is different. I mean, everybody's situation and dynamic is different, and so we have to acknowledge that and be okay with it. And so a particular challenge that you may face and every child is different I mean one child may have some learning disability, for example, or maybe they have, you know, their friend group, you know that they get involved with is something you're not comfortable with. I mean. So that my point is that it's a journey and everybody needs to give themselves a little bit of grace and say, okay, how do I handle my challenge? And it's whatever it is. And then the common themes, though, that I start to see come up with teens, as you ask. There's a couple of them. One is there's this natural process of the teen starting to pull away a little bit, and so the parent feels disconnected, and so that's a common theme. It's. You know there's disconnect, they won't talk to me or they won't listen to me. You know all of that kind of conversation and then what's sort of the sister of that or brother of that is the parent. There's a lot of conflict, there's fighting going on and it's the teen wanting to exert some of their own power, if you will, in running their own life and the parent not wanting to give that up. And so that those are common issues that pop up, and part of my message to parents is it fits on both of those.

15:09

I actually I talk about three fundamentals for parenting and these would be across any of our journeys because they are, in fact, fundamentals. In the first one, we've talked some about, which is for the parent to stay as grounded as they can in that love based mindset. That's the first thing. If you can do that, that puts you in position for fundamental number two, which is building connection, and I mentioned the teen wants to pull away, it's okay. What are some strategies and how can I be intentional about reconnecting and deepening that relationship with the teenager as they go through this process of disconnecting? And so that's that. Second fundamental is just all about building connection.

15:52

And then the third one is about then how do I empower my child to be their absolute best? It's about empowerment, and that's distinct from in the conflict that parents and teens experience is around control, and what happens is the parent doesn't want to give up control of stuff, whatever it is, and the teenager wants it, and so part of my goal with parents is to encourage them to let go of that control. But what they do is the alternative to that, is they start to develop an empowerment mindset. Their role becomes one of how do I empower the child and coach the child, as opposed to control and make the decisions. And when you do that it shifts the dynamic of the relationship. Then it allows it to go forward in a much better way. And so it's that parent letting go of that control and taking on that empowerment mindset. So that's sort of the third thing I encourage parents to do is a way to help reduce that conflict.

16:59

Now, another I have to mention with teens, because it's specifically a big issue that's related to both of those, is around social media. This is a big concern and it contributes to that disconnect. It contributes to that control issue. A lot of times parents try to control what their child's doing on social media. And here's an example where I would say to them if you control, you might be able to control it today, when they're 14, let's say, but when they're 16, it's going to be much harder, there's going to be a lot of conflict, and when they're 20, they got to be able to handle it on their own. And so aren't we better suited to try to teach them to self-regulate and to manage that social media? Start getting them to think that way now, so that when they're 20, it's not an issue for them and they have the ability to do that. And so it's just a different mindset that positions that child to be successful going forward.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

18:00

Yeah, and it's that fear, isn't it? The fear that they're not going to do it as well as you did, right.

Jim White

Guest

18:09

Well, and they won't do it the way you want them to do it. That's the fear too. It's the fear that they are, that they aren't ready to do it. And actually there's one of the things I share with parents is this idea of a readiness gap. And the readiness gap is this the parent always thinks the child is less prepared or less ready than they probably really are. In other words, the child could probably handle more than what they have. But on the flip side of that, the child always thinks they're more ready than they really are. And so you've got this gap. That's there, and the reality is there's somewhere in the middle. But that's part of the parent's job is to shift that control appropriate.

18:53

And again we talked about every child's different. I mean a 13 year old in this family and a 13 year old in another family may be completely different in their level of maturity, for example, and so what that one can handle versus the other is going to be different. So it's not like there's a right or wrong answer. For when do you hand over, for example, homework? When does homework become their responsibility? You know some kids start doing that when they're 10 years old, but there may be others that they aren't ready until they're 14 or 15. But and that's how I say, the journeys are different for everybody, and the parent just needs to be aware. And it's interesting the quality of your connection is what gives you insight into how ready they are, Because if you're connected, then you have a sense of where they are and what's going on for them and you can have a conversation with them that gives you feedback on okay, I'm ready, I'm not ready, and so that's why that connection is just so important as well.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

19:50

Yeah, true, and it would help if we remember that we, we are doing a good job, even if it absolutely doesn't look like it.

Jim White

Guest

19:59

Yeah, you are and you're doing and I like to tell you're doing exactly what you know you've. Everything you've done thus far is exactly the way it's supposed to have been. Yes, and it's just a matter of okay. How can I grow and learn from here? And that's why I love the analogy of a journey. It's just, it's an ongoing effort and I'll tell your people in your audience, this right now, I have adult children with kids of their own. I still am parenting today. It never stops. It's a journey that I will be a parent forever, and my role as a parent, though, shifts and it evolves over time, but it's always going to be there. So I'm always looking for ways I can get better. I'm always looking for how can I build connection a little bit more, how can I empower my adult child? I had I'll give you a simple example.

20:51

Yesterday, one of my older daughters married kids of her own. She's coaching a fourth and fifth grade basketball team girls basketball team and she called me yesterday. She had some questions about you know, I'm not sure about you know what I should say to the kids or how I should handle. You know, and so I'm parenting at that, or I'm coaching. You know I'm helping her at that moment and so those things are going to happen forever. There's always going to be those moments and it's I love the fact that she reaches out right. I mean, that's what we want, but that comes from having that quality connection and it comes from all of those times you know throughout her growing up, that I was able, that I took that empowerment approach and I was there, and then she knows that you know we're here for her if you will. So it's just part of the process.

21:44

And you know, and to sort of wrap that up, I'll go back, I'll say you know, love always can heal. And if love can heal, tomorrow can be better than today. And that's part of the mindset how do we make tomorrow better than today? And it's always possible because love, you know, has that attribute it can do it.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

22:04

Yeah, sure, it's always a testament, I think, to your parenting, no matter how much you thought you screwed up, when they reach out to you and ask you for your opinion on something they're doing as adults, right, this is amazing.

Jim White

Guest

22:19

Yeah, and they will, and they do, so that's just part of it.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

22:22

So yeah, awesome. And how can we get in touch with you?

Jim White

Guest

22:27

Yeah, so if anybody's interested in the work, it's familyenrichmentacademycom. And actually, since we've been talking about teenagers, I have a free resource on my website. It's 10 questions. You should never ask your teenager, because we talked about how a lot of times parents say my teenager won't talk to me and so these are what I call them the conversation killers.

22:52

These are the ones that shut them down, but then, as an alternative, with the resource, I have 10 great questions as well. It's the conversation starters, and so it's a free download. You can go to familyenrichmentacademycom. That one's actually at the bottom of the homepage. Just scroll to the bottom and you'll see that. Okay, but I publish content on a blog on a regular basis. I have a couple of podcasts, youtube, so there's a lot of content that's available, and then people can connect if they want to talk about any of the courses or coaching that I do as well. The best way is at the website.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

23:30

Okay, all right, we'll put some links on the show notes so people have access to that. Thank you very much, jim White, for coming and talking to us on Solar Mom's Talk, but I'm not letting you go just yet. Tell me what is Jim grateful for today?

Jim White

Guest

23:43

Grateful Well for having this conversation. I just am so grateful to have the chance to share Again, like I said, I feel called to kind of share what my experience and wisdom gained over the years with other parents and, if you know, if I can, even if it's only one person, it does, you know that still feel it feels very purposeful for me, it's purposeful work and I just appreciate the opportunity to be able to come on and share thoughts and, you know, hopefully engage and be able to have you know something, create a little bit of an aha moment for somebody that's listening, thank you.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn)

Host

24:22

And before I let you go, could you give us Solar Mom one or two tips?

Jim White

Guest

24:27

Two, one or two tips, so I've given a few today. So, um well, I'll tell you what. I'll give you a simple three step process. Actually, it's a four step process that I share with parents, for if you find yourself being fearful, it's making that shift to be love based. And so, first of all, the first step is about awareness, and I always encourage parents to pay attention to what you're experiencing, because that gives you a signal as to whether you're being fearful or love based. And so if you're experiencing frustration or disappointment or anger, those are all signals that you're seeing, whatever the circumstance is, from a fearful mindset. And so the step first step is to be aware of that and then just try to create a pause. You want to stop before you react, create a little bit of a pause. And then the second step is to introduce some forgiveness and compassion into the perspective. You know, who do I need to forgive here? How can I introduce some compassion to this situation? Or, if I look from a compassionate view, what do I see?

25:32

Step three is to introduce some gratitude. How could this be a good thing? Like I mentioned, what can we learn from this? Those kind of questions help to introduce some gratitude into the situation and then step four once. Then you're a little bit more grounded in that love-based mindset. The fourth step is to ask the question how can I make a difference? Here that's more of an action oriented empowerment question. What action can I take that's going to make a difference? And so forgiveness, compassion, gratitude, and how can I make a difference? Just try to keep that in your head and it's a great way to make that shift from being fearful to being more love-based.

J. Rosemarie (Jenn) Host 26:11 Awesome, thank you. Thank you. In a world of chaos, love reigns. Thank you, . Jim White Thank you, it's been a pleasure. Thank you, yes.