Celebrating Ninety-Three Years: Family First

WEBVTT

00:00:00.940 --> 00:00:03.528
Welcome to Stories of Change and Creativity.

00:00:03.528 --> 00:00:04.511
I'm Judy Oskam.

00:00:04.511 --> 00:00:13.691
Well, when you think about it, getting older is all about change, and aging well takes creativity and courage.

00:00:13.691 --> 00:00:28.644
The older I get, the more I search for the secret to a long life full of health and happiness, and that's why I'm excited to share my conversation with one of the most important people in my life.

00:00:28.644 --> 00:00:31.530
Actually, without her, I wouldn't be here.

00:00:31.530 --> 00:00:33.054
Joan Barnes.

00:00:33.054 --> 00:00:40.673
Today is mom's 93rd birthday and, to my surprise, she agreed to talk with me on her special day.

00:00:40.673 --> 00:00:46.710
My mom is, and always has been, my go toto for wisdom, love and kindness.

00:00:46.710 --> 00:00:49.523
I hope you'll enjoy our conversation.

00:00:49.523 --> 00:00:55.072
Let's first start off with this is a big day 93.

00:00:55.072 --> 00:01:02.426
And when you think about 93, what's in your mind with that?

00:01:02.426 --> 00:01:04.087
What are you thinking, mom?

00:01:05.269 --> 00:01:21.400
I woke up this morning thinking of all the big deals that I've gone through, and the first thing I thought of was December 7, 1941, when the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor.

00:01:21.400 --> 00:01:44.153
I've always been interested in the history of our country or what we went through in our lives, and we had such a long marriage, alf and I, that your dad and I yes, and so I was thinking of the day that the war started.

00:01:44.682 --> 00:01:47.599
And you would have been 10 years old then I would have been 10 years old, right.

00:01:47.599 --> 00:01:57.194
But I heard all the young people, heard all the grownups talking about the attack on Pearl Harbor.

00:01:57.194 --> 00:02:18.689
We lost most of our Navy at that time at that time, and then I was thinking about the end of the war, when we all kind of grew up, went off to get married and some of us went off to college.

00:02:18.689 --> 00:02:28.593
I was working and just things that happened to me during my lifetime, the things I've seen.

00:02:28.840 --> 00:02:29.945
Yeah, the things you've seen.

00:02:29.945 --> 00:02:32.675
And you and Dad were married in 51.

00:02:32.675 --> 00:02:36.127
Right, so you were high school sweethearts, sort of.

00:02:37.090 --> 00:02:47.629
Well, kind of In a brief, brief, short period of time, we dated when I was 14 and he was 15.

00:02:47.629 --> 00:03:01.310
And then I found out that he was, because he was older and taller and everything, and a man he could go out after.

00:03:01.310 --> 00:03:13.163
He took me home at 10 o'clock when I was supposed to be home, he could go out with the older girls, and so I didn't like that and I said no.

00:03:13.545 --> 00:03:14.568
I wasn't going to do that.

00:03:14.568 --> 00:03:19.831
So until later, when he was home from the Navy.

00:03:19.831 --> 00:03:31.275
Then we met again and spent a couple of leaves at home Navy leaves at home and fell in love.

00:03:31.275 --> 00:03:37.853
So we married on September 15, 1951.

00:03:37.853 --> 00:03:46.394
Went off to the Navy together that last year that he was supposed to be home.

00:03:46.394 --> 00:04:03.164
We were going to be married then and he was supposed to be home, but they passed a law that they had to have another year in the service because of the Korean War starting, Right, so that was part of our history together.

00:04:03.164 --> 00:04:05.533
So you had one more year and he was stationed in Bermuda, Right, so that was part of our history together.

00:04:05.574 --> 00:04:07.180
So you had one more year and you were.

00:04:07.180 --> 00:04:09.324
He was stationed in Bermuda.

00:04:09.364 --> 00:04:17.588
So you went back to Bermuda for the one year he had volunteered to go to the Korean War, but he was the only.

00:04:17.588 --> 00:04:39.788
The captain told him that he was the only man on the base who knew all of the facilities, because he was an electrician first class or something like that and he had wired and been in all of the buildings on the base so he wouldn't let him go to the Korean War.

00:04:40.339 --> 00:04:58.134
And I was so glad because our guys suffered a lot and lost a lot of lives in the Korean War, sure, but we had a nice year in Bermuda together because he was known on the base.

00:04:58.134 --> 00:05:05.908
So we kind of got special treatment a lot of times and I appreciated that as a young, young wife.

00:05:05.908 --> 00:05:10.228
Sure, sure, but anyway, that's how we started our lives together.

00:05:10.228 --> 00:05:10.690
Yeah, sure.

00:05:18.545 --> 00:05:34.209
Well, Mom, when you're thinking back about all those times and the journey that you and Dad had, and now fast forward and you've got grandkids and a great-grandchild and what are some of the lessons and the mess?

00:05:34.209 --> 00:05:51.225
Well, I guess the what do you want your grandkids to know about you and dad, your journey together and your life together as a woman, a working woman in the day, back in the day, oh, there's a lot we could talk about.

00:05:51.326 --> 00:05:58.185
So, Back in the day was something when I graduated from high school.

00:05:58.185 --> 00:06:06.706
All of my friends went off to college and I had been working at the bail system since I was 16.

00:06:06.706 --> 00:06:12.214
Mom took me up to meet the head operator.

00:06:13.639 --> 00:06:17.024
I love that Because Grandma worked for the Bell System.

00:06:17.326 --> 00:06:37.704
Well, yes, she worked temporarily during the tough times and so she knew people there and they knew her, and she took me to the head operator in the traffic department, which was where the calls were made and everything.

00:06:37.704 --> 00:06:57.036
And so I started at 16, and within a year's time they had taught me everything on the telephone system you know the long distance, the information, everything.

00:06:57.036 --> 00:07:14.672
And so I was pretty attracted to the business, more so than thinking of going on to college, but my parents really weren't into the college thing, sure sure.

00:07:15.502 --> 00:07:20.589
It was not as common then at all, and now I'm seeing the same thing.

00:07:20.589 --> 00:07:26.579
I'm seeing that people are saying it's not that important to go to college.

00:07:26.579 --> 00:07:32.586
It's as important to get a well-paying job.

00:07:32.586 --> 00:07:38.413
Like the plumbers are making more money than the college degree people.

00:07:38.954 --> 00:07:39.694
Things like that.

00:07:39.714 --> 00:07:45.470
The trades, yes, yes, the trades, and so I was happy as I was.

00:07:45.470 --> 00:07:50.913
And then it wasn't too long before we were married and went off to the service.

00:07:50.913 --> 00:07:59.199
And when we came back, we came back to Texas from Iowa.

00:07:59.199 --> 00:08:01.384
We came back to Texas from Iowa.

00:08:01.384 --> 00:08:05.613
We came back to Iowa, of course, where Dad went off to the Navy.

00:08:05.613 --> 00:08:16.031
But then we had enough money to buy a car and so we drove to Texas where my folks had moved.

00:08:16.031 --> 00:08:34.873
My stepdad was given a new job and he went to Dallas to work for Collins, and in the meantime we're thinking what should we do?

00:08:34.873 --> 00:08:40.583
How are we going to start our lives and all of that we do, how we're going to start our lives, and all of that.

00:08:40.583 --> 00:08:54.846
And then it wasn't too long until we were having grandchildren and fast forward to when Scott married and you married you first, you and Felix.

00:08:54.846 --> 00:08:55.806
Yes, you and Felix.

00:08:55.806 --> 00:09:05.472
I was so excited when you went for the baby in China.

00:09:05.513 --> 00:09:10.475
We adopted two daughters from China, right, yes, but it took me a while.

00:09:10.475 --> 00:09:12.216
I was 40 when we did that.

00:09:12.256 --> 00:09:12.976
That's all right.

00:09:12.976 --> 00:09:13.937
That's all right.

00:09:14.241 --> 00:09:16.279
Were you wondering if you were ever going to have grandchildren?

00:09:16.279 --> 00:09:20.451
I was because I was 68 before I had a grandchild?

00:09:20.510 --> 00:09:46.369
Yeah, but Dani was the little gal and I remember seeing her first picture when they sent us the picture of her with her little sweater and she was just such a cute little person, and the minute you see the picture of your grandchild, there's something in your heart that changes.

00:09:46.450 --> 00:09:51.250
Yeah, and you suddenly you love that little person.

00:09:51.250 --> 00:10:00.404
Yeah, sure, you don't know that person, you haven't met that person, but God has placed something in our hearts that immediately we love that person.

00:10:00.404 --> 00:10:03.221
But there's, god has placed something in our hearts that immediately we love that person.

00:10:03.221 --> 00:10:12.542
So then, three years later, you called me one time and you said Mom, we're going to go back to China and get another baby.

00:10:12.542 --> 00:10:16.567
And I thought, I thought, oh, it's so much to do.

00:10:16.567 --> 00:10:23.155
But you were so right, judy, because the first one needed a playmate.

00:10:23.155 --> 00:10:24.985
Sure, she needed a little sister.

00:10:26.539 --> 00:10:43.908
So then you got Jessica, and in the meantime Scott and Martha had Boomer and Maggie, right right, and William was first for them.

00:10:43.908 --> 00:10:54.375
And now William and his Melissa have given me a great grandbaby, evelyn.

00:10:54.375 --> 00:11:04.331
Yes, and within a very short number of years I was suddenly a grandma and a great grandma.

00:11:04.371 --> 00:11:06.414
Yeah right, so it goes fast.

00:11:06.414 --> 00:11:09.288
So time, what would you say about time?

00:11:09.288 --> 00:11:11.388
What would you tell us about time?

00:11:12.360 --> 00:11:16.470
I wonder now what I was doing all those years when I didn't have a grandbaby.

00:11:16.470 --> 00:11:17.852
I do.

00:11:17.852 --> 00:11:23.984
I really wonder where was I all those years and what was I doing?

00:11:23.984 --> 00:11:28.253
And I guess I was trying to be a housewife.

00:11:28.253 --> 00:11:30.360
You were working too, I was working.

00:11:30.379 --> 00:11:33.485
You always worked with Dad when you needed to you and.

00:11:33.525 --> 00:11:46.311
Dad, together went on your journeys on your journeys and we worked in different places and kept the family going.

00:11:46.311 --> 00:11:58.861
We thought when you and you were both off doing your family jobs, Right, right, but it's been a wonderful life I never.

00:11:58.861 --> 00:12:05.751
We lost Dad seven years ago and I thought I would be going about the same time.

00:12:05.751 --> 00:12:08.246
I never thought I would live to be 93.

00:12:08.246 --> 00:12:16.133
Right, Certainly Right, but I guess the good Lord knows what he has in store for me.

00:12:18.403 --> 00:12:22.230
Well, you're our matriarch now.

00:12:22.230 --> 00:12:23.712
It's such a big name.

00:12:23.712 --> 00:12:26.303
Well, don't feel the pressure, that's fine.

00:12:26.303 --> 00:12:27.245
That's fine.

00:12:27.245 --> 00:12:30.754
But really I think you do have a lot to share.

00:12:30.754 --> 00:12:32.222
You're super positive.

00:12:32.222 --> 00:12:44.107
That's your number one strength, and you've always been the one to kind of give us unconditional love and support, and I think you do that for the grandkids.

00:12:44.107 --> 00:12:51.828
I see the relationship you have with each of your grandkids and you're building that with the new little great-granddaughter.

00:12:51.828 --> 00:12:53.592
I'm trying, yes.

00:12:55.662 --> 00:13:01.809
She's such a little pistol, she's just walking all over everywhere when she comes here.

00:13:01.809 --> 00:13:05.548
Yeah, so we have to clear all the tables and everything I know.

00:13:05.587 --> 00:13:06.230
We'll do that.

00:13:06.230 --> 00:13:06.871
Yeah, we'll do that.

00:13:06.899 --> 00:13:10.469
She's going to pick up everything and look at everything and study everything.

00:13:10.529 --> 00:13:10.750
Yes.

00:13:11.071 --> 00:13:15.471
Yes, and now she's starting to talk, so it's exciting.

00:13:15.471 --> 00:13:18.028
Every child has their own thing.

00:13:18.028 --> 00:13:25.287
Every child is exciting and unique, unique and very different.

00:13:25.287 --> 00:13:42.306
It's amazing that William and and Maggie, from the same mom, very, very the same, but very different as well.

00:13:42.306 --> 00:13:45.738
Maggie's quiet and persistent.

00:13:46.058 --> 00:13:46.279
Yeah.

00:13:46.389 --> 00:13:51.221
And Dad said one time about her that kid would go everywhere.

00:13:51.221 --> 00:13:53.115
She just persists.

00:13:53.115 --> 00:13:55.236
Yes, she's just determined.

00:13:55.236 --> 00:14:09.845
Smart, smart, yes, smart and determined, and William is just Mr Handsome and all the friends that he has always had.

00:14:10.190 --> 00:14:13.173
Charismatic, very charismatic, yes, very positive.

00:14:13.173 --> 00:14:21.710
Mm-hmm, yeah, yeah and yeah, yeah, they're all different, yeah, and they're all different.

00:14:21.730 --> 00:14:27.135
boomer is just so grown up and so smart, brilliant.

00:14:27.135 --> 00:14:40.639
Very quiet about his brilliance, but but very kind to Grandma, very good to Grandma, yeah Well what about kindness?

00:14:40.809 --> 00:14:48.581
I mean, I think all the grandkids are really kind people and do you think that's a way to move forward in the world?

00:14:48.789 --> 00:14:51.317
That's because of you and Scott.

00:14:51.317 --> 00:15:02.184
Well, you and Scott, you and your mates definitely are very seriously kind.

00:15:02.184 --> 00:15:10.110
I have you here to take care of me at 93, which is so kind of you.

00:15:10.169 --> 00:15:11.395
Well, we're having fun, aren't we?

00:15:11.395 --> 00:15:12.696
Well, I think we are.

00:15:13.691 --> 00:15:19.669
We're watching the craziest TV, aren't we?

00:15:19.669 --> 00:15:20.150
Well, I think we are.

00:15:20.150 --> 00:15:25.801
We're watching the craziest TV, but we're having fun and we're talking and going over old times and old things that we experienced together.

00:15:25.801 --> 00:15:26.722
Sure, sure.

00:15:27.283 --> 00:15:30.879
Well, I learned that from somewhere, you know I had to learn that from somewhere.

00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:39.549
You helped take care of your mom and grandma and grandpa, so it's part of our legacy, I think.

00:15:39.910 --> 00:15:44.162
Yes, maybe so, but not every woman does that for her family.

00:15:44.162 --> 00:15:45.996
Not every woman does.

00:15:45.996 --> 00:15:51.962
I could be sitting in a nursing home somewhere in a corner feeling sorry for myself.

00:15:52.230 --> 00:15:55.681
Well, you'd be the life of the party there if you would.

00:15:55.990 --> 00:15:57.509
I would try to get it organized.

00:15:57.509 --> 00:15:58.413
Yes, that's good.

00:15:58.413 --> 00:16:06.412
I would try to get them to play well together, but no, it's an important day for me.

00:16:06.412 --> 00:16:10.111
But every birthday is an important day for everyone.

00:16:10.111 --> 00:16:21.860
You sort of take stock of what you've been doing and how you're doing it and you try to stay positive.

00:16:21.860 --> 00:16:25.590
Yeah, it's not a positive world lately.

00:16:25.710 --> 00:16:34.623
It's a messy world and it's messy and I think— and probably it's always been messy, but I didn't always see it that way.

00:16:34.889 --> 00:16:41.724
I didn't always see it that way, but anyway I've always found it to be kind to me.

00:16:41.724 --> 00:16:46.918
So I'm a lucky person, I'm blessed that way, yeah yeah.

00:16:46.918 --> 00:16:52.543
Dad was such a good provider and such a good person to live with.

00:16:52.543 --> 00:16:55.073
Well, what's the?

00:16:55.134 --> 00:16:56.578
secret of a long marriage.

00:16:56.578 --> 00:16:57.956
What's the secret of?

00:16:58.692 --> 00:16:59.596
of being together.

00:16:59.596 --> 00:17:09.234
It was 66 years, yeah, 66 years together, and I don't know what it, what the secret is.

00:17:09.234 --> 00:17:18.523
I think we, we tried to let each other be ourselves, be our own person.

00:17:18.523 --> 00:17:28.518
I didn't try to change him and make him do what I want him to do, nor did he try to change me.

00:17:28.518 --> 00:17:31.549
I mean, it seemed like he was happy.

00:17:31.549 --> 00:17:39.240
I wanted to stay home with my babies and my children, and he thought that was a fine idea.

00:17:39.240 --> 00:17:43.318
It was the idea of our time Sure, the 50s.

00:17:43.359 --> 00:17:47.880
In the 50s 60s yeah, that was what a lot of women wanted to do.

00:17:47.880 --> 00:17:54.698
However, in the 70s, we had sort of a changeover in life.

00:17:54.698 --> 00:17:56.539
A lot of women had to make a changeover in life.

00:17:56.539 --> 00:18:04.412
A lot of women had to make a living, had to go back to work, and I was lucky, I didn't have to.

00:18:04.412 --> 00:18:09.461
I did occasionally, but no, it was.

00:18:09.461 --> 00:18:10.983
I don't know the secret.

00:18:10.983 --> 00:18:13.758
We just we found it, whatever it was.

00:18:14.349 --> 00:18:19.317
Well, and also, too, if someone makes you better, if you're a better person around that person.

00:18:19.317 --> 00:18:21.217
That's what I always think about too.

00:18:22.371 --> 00:18:28.242
You're wise, Judy, because I do think that we made each other better.

00:18:28.242 --> 00:18:40.561
Yeah, I think we tried to make things on the ground so that in the air we were going strong, you know always.

00:18:41.049 --> 00:18:42.032
And always going forward.

00:18:42.032 --> 00:18:47.037
One thing I always saw about you guys is there was always forward motion.

00:18:47.037 --> 00:18:49.526
There were some hiccups, but there was always.

00:18:49.526 --> 00:19:00.676
There were some speed bumps, if you will, but there was always going forward together and I think you guys committed that when you got married right, you were in it for the long term.

00:19:00.676 --> 00:19:02.435
Right, we live by our vows.

00:19:02.635 --> 00:19:10.344
Yeah, I don't know that people do that now, but we definitely live by our.

00:19:10.344 --> 00:19:13.980
If you make a vow, you keep it.

00:19:13.980 --> 00:19:16.337
I mean you just have to keep it.

00:19:16.337 --> 00:19:27.419
It doesn't always work out that way, sometimes it just can't, but ours did.

00:19:27.419 --> 00:19:28.942
We were lucky, Right.

00:19:28.981 --> 00:19:44.144
Lucky people, right right right, blessed and lucky, yeah Well, and looking ahead at the grandkids, the grandkids and the great grandchild and you'll have future great grandchildren, hopefully, and I'm hoping for that as well.

00:19:44.144 --> 00:19:46.393
So we'll see what happens.

00:19:46.473 --> 00:19:49.078
We are all hoping for that.

00:19:49.519 --> 00:19:52.411
So is there anything you would leave them with?

00:19:52.411 --> 00:19:55.076
And you're giving them a piece of advice.

00:19:56.558 --> 00:19:59.084
Oh my goodness, I know that's a loaded question.

00:20:01.589 --> 00:20:04.157
There's a lot of ways you could go with that.

00:20:04.178 --> 00:20:39.950
I just think if they'll just abide by their families and how their families go, you and Scott will always keep things on an even keel, and that's important that children see their parents being happy with each other, sure, sure things together and wanting to build a family, because building a family is very important.

00:20:39.950 --> 00:20:47.869
A lot of people give up too quickly but, um, a lot of people do really good job of building a family.

00:20:47.869 --> 00:21:03.461
Sure, and that's the only advice I could give any of the children, because they're going to find their lives and build their pathways to having a happy family, and I wish them all the best.

00:21:03.869 --> 00:21:05.314
I love that, I love that.

00:21:05.314 --> 00:21:06.858
And happy birthday, mom.

00:21:06.858 --> 00:21:12.663
Thank you, we love you and we look forward to having some cake later today and a little party.

00:21:13.150 --> 00:21:14.292
I'm always up for cake.

00:21:14.292 --> 00:21:15.676
We're going to celebrate.

00:21:15.676 --> 00:21:17.201
Sounds good to me.

00:21:17.201 --> 00:21:18.525
Sounds good to me.

00:21:23.769 --> 00:21:24.371
Sounds good to me.

00:21:24.371 --> 00:21:24.751
Thank you, judy.

00:21:24.751 --> 00:21:25.694
Thank you, thanks for joining me.

00:21:25.694 --> 00:21:26.616
Thanks, and thank you for being you.

00:21:26.616 --> 00:21:27.077
Oh well, you too.

00:21:27.077 --> 00:21:28.601
Well, I'm, I'm you because I'm me, because of you.

00:21:28.601 --> 00:21:31.237
You know you're, you're 27 years different.

00:21:31.237 --> 00:21:32.722
Yes, 27 years difference.

00:21:32.722 --> 00:21:34.690
Let's not put that out there, okay.

00:21:34.690 --> 00:21:35.451
Yes, 27 years difference.

00:21:35.451 --> 00:21:36.211
Let's not put that out there.

00:21:36.211 --> 00:21:40.138
Okay, 93 years and going strong.

00:21:40.138 --> 00:21:43.904
Well, thank you for listening to Stories of Change and Creativity.

00:21:43.904 --> 00:21:56.560
I hope you found some insight into some of this and enjoyed it as much as I did, and remember, if you've got a story to tell or know someone who does, reach out to me at Judyoskam.

00:21:56.560 --> 00:21:57.082
com.

00:21:57.082 --> 00:21:58.023
Thanks for listening.