Mommy Issues

THEME SONG

Hey there, my lovely little babies. Welcome back to another episode of Stressed, Depressed, and Anxious.

It's your favorite local neighborhood baby here, ready to dive into some deep and heavy stuff. But you know me, I'll keep it light and funny because we all need a good laugh on a Monday, right? So grab your favorite snack, your weighted blankets, your, I don't know, candles or lube, whatever you need. Get cozy and let's talk about something that a lot of us have, but we don't often discuss, mommy issues. Fuck.

Where do I even start? Before we dive in, just a quick note. If you're already here thinking, shit, another mommy rant, don't worry, because I know, I fucking know, I literally can't do anything, anything.

But you know what, it's okay. It's gonna be juicy, it's gonna be dramatic, and of course, peppered with my usual humor throughout the episode. So think of this if you're new here as a therapy session, but with a lot more laughs and fewer tissues. Actually, who am I kidding? You might need tissues, but that's okay too. Also, I have some exciting news. We now have our very own Reddit community, and it's at

r/sdanxious. That's s as in stressed, d as in depressed, anxious, and it's one word, which I'll put in the description. It's a space where we can all come together, share our stories, support each other and discuss episodes. You can post your little confessionals there. Tell me all about the crazy hijinks you've been getting into because of your mental health. And maybe you'll be featured on the episodes. So head on over to Reddit and join the conversation. Now let's get into mommy issues.

Alright, so what exactly are mommy issues? It sounds like something a therapist would write on a post -it note and just slap it on your forehead, right? But seriously, it's a real thing and it can have a huge impact on our lives, I should know. So let's break it down. Think of mommy issues as the emotional equivalent of stepping on a Lego. It's painful, it's surprising, and it sticks with you longer than you'd like.

It's like carrying around a little emotional backpack filled with unresolved feelings and all of your childhood baggage. Who the fuck knew that our moms could leave us with anything more than just like a bad haircut and embarrassing baby photos? I knew. I fucking knew. So in a nutshell, when we think about what mommy issues actually are, they're emotional and psychological challenges that stem from our relationship with our mothers, duh.

These issues can manifest in a bunch of different ways, like trust issues, fear of abandonment, low self -esteem, and even problems in romantic relationships. If you've been listening to my podcast long enough, you know that I have all of these problems and more. So it's like your mom hands you an emotional inheritance, but instead of money, it's a box full of unresolved feelings. So yay! Thanks, Mom!

All right, let's talk about some of the common ways mommy issues show up in our daily lives. So picture this, you're in a relationship and you start noticing either A, you're overly clingy or B, super distant. You might be thinking, is it just me or is there something more going on here? Spoiler alert, it's not just you. These behaviors often trace back to how we bonded with our moms. It's like

weird emotional blueprint that we follow without even realizing it. This fucking bitch is in my DNA.

Now, I'm going to get a little bit nerdy here with some psychology that I picked up going to therapy and on my TikTok for you page. Ever heard of the attachment theory? It's this idea that the way that we bonded with our primary caregivers, usually our moms, shapes how we connect with others later in life. So if you had a secure attachment, you're probably doing OK. But if your bond was rocky with your mom,

Well, welcome to the club. We meet on Mondays. There are a few different styles of attachment that can come out of your relationship with your mom. So let's go through them. The first one, like I mentioned, is secure attachment. That means you feel safe and valued. Your relationships are pretty healthy. You go, Glen Coco. Whatever, you win a prize. All right, so the next up is an anxious attachment.

which means that you're clingy and you're constantly worried about being abandoned. Relationships can probably feel like emotional roller coasters for you. Next up is avoid an attachment. You're distant and you find it hard to trust other people. Relationships are more like a series of like awkward first dates. Now I usually got confused in the past when looking at attachment styles because I was like, wait a minute, I'm both anxious attachment and avoided attachment. Like what the fuck?

Leave it to me to not fit into any category like what is going on. But actually there's a fourth type of attachment style which really does align with me and it's called disorganized attachment. So it's a mix of both anxious and avoidant and it's often stemming from trauma

Inconsistent caregiving. Yeah, you heard it here first. Basically, it's like a BuzzFeed quiz that you never wanted to take. So which attachment style are you? But instead of finding out which Disney princess you are, you're discovering why you freak out when your partner doesn't actually text you back immediately. These mommy issues don't just mess with our heads, they mess with our hearts too. So.

If you find yourself repeating the same patterns in relationships, like always choosing the same partners that are emotionally unavailable or being the one who needs constant reassurance, it might be time to take a closer look at your relationship with your mom. It's basically like the universe is playing a cruel trick on us. Like, here, have some unresolved childhood trauma. Good luck with that. But acknowledging it is the first step to breaking the cycle.

And I mean, if I'm doing anything else, it's acknowledging it. So, okay.

Now that we've defined what mommy issues are and how they manifest, let's get personal. I'm going to go ahead and share my own experiences with my mom and how they've shaped who I am today. Spoiler, it's a roller coaster of emotions, so buckle

All right, now time for some real talk. Let me share my story. So Growing up, my relationship with my mom was really complicated. As a little girl, I felt like a prop, like a cute doll that she could dress up and show off. It was like I was her Instagram feed before Instagram even existed. And Then as I got older, things changed. I felt disliked and neglected.

Imagine being the star of a show and then suddenly nobody wants your autograph anymore and we all know what happens to child stars. As a teenager, things went from bad to worse. I was angry, misunderstood, and basically felt like I was living in a perpetual episode of teen drama 101. I remember screaming matches and a whole lot of, you just don't get me. And spoiler alert, she didn't get

Fast forward to my young adult years and after all the continuous trauma, I found myself stuck in this weird emotional limbo. I love my mom, but I also resent her. I wanna hug her, but I also wanna punch her at the same time. Does anybody else feel that way? No, just me? Okay, so let me explain even further.

When I was little, when I say I felt like a prop, I mean it. Okay. And it wasn't just a feeling, it was actually happening to me. I remember my mom loved her retail therapy. And when I was younger, she would go shopping in New York and come back with tons and tons of these like really poofy, full of tulle dresses for me to try on and little outfits.

And she would put me in these outfits and she would take pictures of me for a little photo albums. And she had a revolving door of friends coming by from the church and from her work and from where the fuck ever. And every time they came by, I was there to perform. I was there to literally sing or dance or do whatever she asked to make her look good, make her friend smile and tell me that I was pretty and all your daughter so cute and then get out of the way.

When it came to actually figuring out who I was, whether that was engaging in play with me or asking me how my day was or having a literal real conversation with me as a little girl, you know, kind of getting to know me, if you will, that was pretty much nonexistent. So I was quite literally a prop that she really just didn't want to hear from unless, you know, I was making her look good. And that was

And then in my adolescence, she literally ignored me also, but she also kind of like engaged in me in the way of disliking me. So at any time I heard from her, it was about criticism. It was about my personality and all these different things about me that she didn't like. And if she wasn't telling me about that, she wasn't telling me anything. She was running off to work. She worked really hard, but that just meant that she really wasn't home.

And when she was home, she again surrounded herself with other people other than me. And she really didn't want to hear about anything that I had to say. So I don't even have really concrete memories of her in my adolescence other than her just constantly criticizing my personality. And then I became a teenager. And like I said, I was angry. I was misunderstood. I just had been tired of all of this, I think.

And so it came to a head. And I remember like all those years of her just not wanting to hear from me and how I just retreated to my room because if I was around, she was gonna go ahead and criticize what I was wearing, what I said was wrong, what I wanted to eat was wrong, what I didn't want to was wrong. Like anything that could be possibly, know, anything that I was doing was potentially wrong. And so I retreated to my room.

and she would call me moody and everything, like, I wasn't moody, I just was reacting. And I felt like she just didn't understand me and it made me so angry. And there are so many examples of things that my mom has done that just fucked with me, okay? And I'm gonna give you a few of these examples because I think it's important for you guys to know

little traumas, okay? Just gonna give you a few. So from when I was little, I remember the horrifying ordeal that was dinnertime, okay? Dinnertime was a horrifying ordeal, and I'll tell you why. Do you guys remember the movie Matilda with like the trunchbull and Miss Honey? And do you remember that scene with Bruce,

you know, chubby kid that had stolen a piece of Mrs. Trunchbull's like chocolate cake or something. And he got caught and he was brought on stage. Everyone stayed after school. He was brought on stage, just elementary school boy. And Cookie, the cook, the school cook, brought out this huge chocolate cake. mean, a mountain of chocolate cake. And the Trunchbull was like, you're going to eat all of

and he had to eat all of that cake, which was basically impossible. But everybody started cheering him on and he, you know, eventually ate the whole cake. Well, my parents would pile on a mountain of food onto our plates every dinnertime. And I'm not kidding you, okay? Imagine being five years old. When I see people on like TikTok and whatever, they have their little kids and they're kind of showing their daily routines.

and they're showing this like cute little portion plate from Amazon where, you know, they're putting together the kids dinners. I'm like flabbergasted because I'm like, that is a normal plate for a five -year -old, right? Like if you're five, your stomach is like not the same size as somebody who is much older, right? So my parents didn't seem to get that concept, okay? They just did not. They made the same food every day and every day.

Every day they would pile it onto our plates like we were fucking Bruce. Okay, I'm not kidding you guys mountain of food Impossible to finish. I just didn't have the size stomach to just shove that in. Okay, but My if that wasn't bad enough my mom or my dad would sit beside us and would have this leather belt on their

thigh sitting there threatening and saying you better eat all of your food or I'm gonna beat your ass. Okay. So you're just sitting there as a little five year old like FUuuckkk like I'm in so much trouble. I need to eat all this but I literally can't. I would get about I want to say seven to ten bites in before I'm like holy I'm like super super full right now and the whole time it's

You can't talk, you can't do anything, you just have to eat this food. You have to do this otherwise you're in big, big, big trouble and they're gonna beat your fucking ass. And I remember the whole time I'm getting like talked down to like, you you better eat this food. Why are you eating so slow? Hurry up, hurry up, hurry up. And I don't even know what the rush was, but like that was the constant thing.

And I was told off for like eating slow because I was like trying to, I honestly think I was eating slower because like I knew that I couldn't finish it. And like, I don't know, I just was delaying something. I don't know what it was. But anywho, like most of the time my mom or my dad would end up getting up from the table and they would walk away because.

we were taking so long, they're not going to sit there for like a good hour, hour and a half, right? Like they're going to move on, especially because the table was in the kitchen and like, you know, they wanted to obviously go off and like go and watch TV or something. So they weren't going to sit there for a whole hour, but they would, you know, be shouting out to us like, you better finish your food or we're going to beat your ass. And it's like, fuck. So when they would leave, sometimes my brother would

like offer to help me. He was always wanting to play hero. I think he just watched so many fucking cartoons that he just took on that role. But he knew he didn't want me to like get my ass beat and stuff like that. So he would try eating some of my food. We would take turns going into the bathroom and like trying to like literally flush some of the food down the toilet. Or we would try like things like putting the food in the garbage.

slowly but like piling on nap napkins and other garbage on top so like they can't tell that we threw it away. Like we would try every trick in the book because we just literally could not finish the food and the fucked up the more fucked up part of this that my mom would do I mean my dad did it too but my mom would do is like on Saturdays so on Saturdays we went to church every Saturday

And on Saturdays, everything was different. Like my mom would make a feast for whatever reason, she would make a feast of food on Saturdays and she would invite like everybody, not everybody, but her friends from church, you know, and like friends from wherever, like whatever friend she had and some of my dad's side of the family and everybody. They would all come over to the house and they, it was like a big party. It was like this huge affair, right?

And so on Saturdays was the day that she made all kinds of yummy, delicious foods. And you had no kind of strict thing of like, you have to eat this or you have to eat that. There was no threat with the leather belt. It was like, eat what your heart desires, right? And so on that day, I would eat what my heart desired. I was like, okay, fucking free for all. And I think just being a little girl, I just had

I don't know, I just didn't have the wherewithal to like figure out like what I'm supposed to be eating. Like I didn't know when to tell if I was full because I just had never been given a chance to figure that out ever. So on Saturdays, every single Saturday, and I'm not kidding you, like every single one, I would binge eat.

So I would like eat all this amazing different foods. It's like, my God, I'm finally getting variety. This is so delicious, whatever the fuck it was, right? And so I would eat a ton of it to the point where I would just throw up. And I did this every fucking Saturday. And looking back now as an adult, you would think that my mom would be like, okay, like something is off here. Like she just definitely just like doesn't know when to

And like, this is a problem because like, I don't know, I feel like as an adult, like these are things that you can reason. I don't need therapy to be able to like reason that, right? But my mom never did. Like your kid throws up every weekend, like fuck, like you know what I mean? But yeah, that was like, that started my unhealthy relationship with food, which involved over a long course of time, things like binge eating, not knowing,

when what my limits were for quite some time when I was a little girl starving myself going days and days and days without eating just all kinds of ups and downs of my relationship with food and Yeah, it was super super fucked up and by the way Just to sprinkle a little bit more onto that like she also did this thing where she would go out and buy a bunch of like snacks goodies cookies cake candy whatever the fuck it was like

whatever you know kids would like she would buy you know sugary snacks right she would buy these things when she went to the market and she would put it at the very top shelf in the kitchen and then she would say you can't have any you know unless I give it to you like you cannot have any of this shit right and then she would leave the house for 12 hours and leave us with our nannies and

Like we had no other entertainment except for like watching TV or like whatever playing was because we weren't allowed to go outside or anything like that. And if we had any of these snacks, we were in trouble. Like we literally were like in big trouble, built everything. Right. And looking back again as an adult, I'm like, what the actual fuck? Like if we didn't want us to eat this shit, honestly.

They weren't good for us. Like, why did you buy them? You psycho son of a gun. Like, why did you buy this shit? Right. OK, that's light. That's really light stuff. Moving forward. Like another thing I can tell you guys about was like when I was little, my mom did this thing where like she would always look at me and like just scrunch up her nose a little bit like she just like it's like a cute little like scrunch up your nose a little bit. She would do that and

It looks so, you know, like affectionate and I would do it back and it was like our thing. She just like scrunch her nose a little bit and I do it back and it was like cute, right? And I was thinking like, oh, you know, every time she did, I'm like, oh, I feel loved and everything, Come to find out when I just get like a little bit older, like 10 or 11, right? She tells me, she decides to tell me why she decides to tell me, I don't motherfucking know, right? But she decides to tell me like,

No, no, like the reason why I did that was because like I saw your nose was just a little bit big and especially on your face, like your little face, like your nose was just like big and I wanted like to, your nose to get smaller. So that's why we would do that. Like that's why I would do that and your dad would sometimes do it too. And I was like, what?

Think about that. Think about the fact that she was hoping some facial exercise of my nose would reduce it somehow on my little face. And I was thinking that she was just doing this little cute thing that was lovey -dovey, and she decided to drop it on me. like, actually, no. Actually, I just literally didn't like the nose that you were born with. And I was trying to reduce it somehow. Fuck me.

Seriously. And another thing that she later dumped on me to like traumatize me was I, my dad, I've talked about it before. He was a long haul truck driver or whatever. He was like working for moving companies and driving in his 18 wheeler. And he'd be gone for like weeks and sometimes months at a time. Right. And

When I was little, like my dad didn't personally buy me anything. Like he bought things in the house. He paid the bills, like whatever. But like, I don't have any tangible memory of my dad, like actually buying me anything like specifically like here is a gift, right? He just didn't do that. And even as I got older, like that was not his thing. Like he wasn't gonna come to you and be like, here's a gift that I bought for you. Cause I was thinking of you like, no. So when I was little, one day my mom comes.

back from New York, because we're living in Jersey. So she comes home and she's like, shows me this beautiful, well, it wasn't even that beautiful. I think I just made it beautiful in my, that beautiful in my head. But it was like this peach colored dress. It was like all poofy and everything. And she's like, brings it home and she's like, this dress, your dad bought you this dress. And I was like, what? Like he bought me a dress? I was so happy not.

necessarily because of the dress, but just the fact that he bought me something. At the time, I was like, wow, my dad bought me a dress? Wow. And I was so happy. I put the dress on. I'm dancing around like, yay. And I talked about it for years, not continuously, but off and on. I'd be like, I remember that dress my dad bought me. It just stayed with me because it was the only thing that I really recall him actually buying for me. There was one other thing, actually.

that he brought home for me and it was like this little teddy bear that I named Driver. But like, other than that, you know what I mean? So I was like, I just thought I was just so like, my gosh, he bought this for me, right? Of course, of course, like fast forward years later, my mom dumps it on me again. actually.

I brought you that dress. Your dad didn't buy you that dress. I bought you that dress. I just said it was from your dad, but I brought it for you. He had nothing to do with it. He didn't even know about it. And as an adolescent, I'm like, what? What are you talking about? What? And again, looking back, and even then at the time, I thought this too. Why? There was no reason for her to tell me this. You already told me this lie.

And then like, you're like now telling me the truth, quote unquote. I don't know, did she get tired of me like being like, wow, like, I remember that one time where he bought me a dress. did she just get sick of like giving him the credit? And was she pissed at him and just wanted to just like, what was the reason? Like Cardi B would say, like, what was the reason? Like, what was the reason? You know what I mean? And I think I asked her that in that moment too. But it was like, why even, why even?

tell me that he bought it for me in the first place because I wasn't like dying for my dad to buy me anything. Like I wasn't even thinking of that at all. And when it's just that when she brought it home, I was like, wow. But like if she had never told me that that was the case, I wouldn't have like lost out on anything. I wouldn't have given a fuck. You know what I mean? I was like, why did she do that in the first place? then like traumatized me after.

psychotic, you know what mean? And then let's get into the things when I was like older too. A little moment in my life that I can tell you guys about is like, I was, so let me just, let me just like preface this with like, when I was a teenager, of course, and all throughout like my life at home,

everything, every piece of clothing that I wore and everything that I had was bought for me by my mom because I did not get allowance. I had no like money that was coming to me. I wasn't working or whatever that didn't allow me to work. So like I had no means of buying my own shit. And also I had a mom who was very controlling. And again, like I said, retail was her therapy.

she was very critical of me and she would always tell me that like I had like out of everybody like she would personally tell me like out of everybody like you have no style like whenever we would go to the mall together whatever I picked no matter what I did it didn't matter like she would just say that I had no style and I would go to the mall with her my little sister who was like elementary school age at this point and my older cousin who was like four years older than me so she was like say if I was

you know, like, I don't know, like 13 or 14, she's gonna be like 16, 17. And everyone else, like my sister, she loved the Disney store. She loved anything that has sequins or glitter, like that was her thing, right? And my older cousin, like she just liked anything that was trendy, which I did too. But everything that she, everything that she picked out that she was like, oh, this is cool. Like, I like this, you know. If I wanted it, my mom would be like, well,

No, because you're just not old enough to have this whatever thing it was. It could be fucking jeans, you know? And looking back, I'm like, what the fuck? Like, why did she do this to me? And my little sister, she's like, yeah, everything she picks up is cute. It's just sequins and glitter. It didn't matter what the fuck it was. She just liked anything that had sequins and glitter at that age, right? But anything that I chose, she would be like, yeah, you have no style. Like, you know, whatever.

And the traumatic moment I'm going to tell you guys about, I'm prefacing, is because one time we're in the mall, we're shopping for like back to school or something, and I'm walking in front of her and she's like, you look like such a slut. Out loud, loud as fuck, because I'm walking in front of her, so loud as fuck so that I can hear and like probably anybody who's walking by can hear.

You look like such a SLUT. And at that moment, I was so shocked because my mom never really called me. And if you're listening, there's a person who is maybe more verbally abused by their mom. I'm sorry. But my mom criticized me all the time. She was mean to me a lot. But she never called me words that, I don't know, somebody at school would fucking call you somebody who hated your guts, slut.

bitch, know, whore, like, well, she did call me whore before, but like, and yeah, but like, she didn't really make it a habit of calling me those like heavy words, you know what I mean? So when she just said like, you look like such a slut out of nowhere, I was like shocked and devastated. And I honestly think that like, she would like leave me in my shock and devastation and tell me that I was like, you know, dramatic.

if it hadn't been for the reaction of my older cousin as well, and my sister, think, at the time, that was just like, they were also flabbergasted and shocked by what she said. And I think when she realized that, she was like, OK, well, I misused the term. I didn't mean it exactly that way. I was just saying your outfit's a little scandalous or whatever. Meanwhile.

I'm wearing a skirt that she bought for me. I'm wearing an outfit that she bought for me that she didn't, it wasn't something she bought for me years ago. It something that she had brought for me very recently, right? And she had this habit by the way, that, I mean, she, like I said, she would buy all of my clothes. So she would come home with clothes and be like, here, I bought this for you, go try it on. And some of it I would like, some of it I would dislike, a lot of it I would dislike, honestly. But like, because she bought whatever she wanted in her style.

She was an adult. She didn't know what the kids like, quote unquote. You know what mean? She's bought whatever she felt like looked good. And it took zero consideration into like what I would like, you know? And so whenever I did have something that she bought that I liked, she noticed, and by noticed I mean she noticed it because I was wearing it more often, she would go into my room, into my closet when I wasn't there and like throw it away.

I'm  I'm not even shitting you. I'm not even shitting you. Like she would go into my closet and throw it away. Most of the time if it was something that she noticed that I liked. Right. And then, yeah, like she called me a slut and I'm wearing something that she'd recently bought for me. OK. And it was such a critical formative time too you. Like when, you know, as a young girl, like I'm just like kind of dealing with the over sexualization and like, you

commentary on my body. Because I was pretty young, was like early high school. And it's like that's everybody knows like how high school girls are how high school guys are like this. And even when you go out in public like how creepy men are when you're girl that age and I had like the big tits the ass you know I was like curvy in that way and like I just

didn't feel, at that age, you don't feel quite comfortable in your body. know what I mean? Like it's just, if you're a woman out there or like younger girl listening, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. Like you just don't feel as comfortable in your body. it's, know, people like your mom that can have an impact on, you your feeling maybe a little bit more positive or a little bit more negative, you know, because every, especially in the years that I was in high school,

because that was like the age in pop culture of

people criticizing all these celebrities that were like in really good shape and saying that they were like fat, you know? And like, unless you were like anorexic skinny, like you just, like they had a lot to say, right? It was like pre -Kardashian, pre, you know, whatever. Like, I don't know, it just wasn't the era of women with real curvy bodies. It was like just the era of like, you have to be fucking stick skinny, you know?

Anyway, and have no curves. It'll be like model thin, like be like size double zero or some shit, right? Anyway, it wasn't, it was even without all of that, like having your mom call you a slut out loud as you're walking in the mall was insane. And even when she like kind of backpedaled a little bit, she was just saying like, she was sorry about the term that she felt like, yeah, I use that term.

But she really wasn't sorry about what she had said at all. She just wasn't. meant every fucking word. And it was just, I still remember it till this day, because it's like, fuck. Why? Why? And she would also tell me, with all her criticisms, she would also tell me that I have to tell you this, because the other people are going to say this about you, or they're going to tell you this, or they're trying to talk behind your back. And it's like, bitch.

let them like I don't want to hear this from you you know what I mean so I spent so much time just like feeling that this is a person who's just like my bully this is a person I don't who does not understand me I could tell her she would be she would say she would have this like whole talk track of like she was the cool mom not really she wouldn't say she was a cool mom but she would basically be

you can talk to me, you can tell me anything when it came to boys and stuff like that. And it got to a point where my older cousin was dating, she would bring guys home that she was dating, she would talk to my mom about it all the time and stuff like that. And they were two peas in a pod. But my mom would always say this thing of, yeah, you can talk to me about whatever, if you're thinking about having sex, if you like someone, you're dating someone, you're talking to somebody, talk to me about it. But no.

No, you couldn't actually trust her with any of that shit at all whatsoever. And I learned this because I would even sometimes like try and tell my mom, like, I think this guy is cute. My mom would be like, you have no taste. Like, he's not cute. You have no taste. And anyone like my little sister pointing out that she thought was cute, like a celebrity, because she was like, you know, like in elementary school at that time.

Or like my cousin would, you know, tell her like, this person is cute. She would have a different opinion. She would be like, yeah, like, yeah, they're cute. yeah, that's in my taste. da da da. But with me, she was always like, no, no. And it's like, bitch, first of all, I don't care if you don't think this person is cute. Like that wasn't the point of me. You know what I mean? Like she could have simply just been like, okay, like whatever. You know what I mean? Like, but she always had a criticism and

over time, like I said earlier, just learned like, dude, like this is not somebody who's in your corner. This is not somebody you can trust. This is not somebody like that wants you around. And I always just felt very unwanted and very hated by her because of all these things. Like, and I'm only telling you guys the lightest of the light of trauma that she's done to me. Okay. But yeah.

It was tough. Okay, it was really tough and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. actually a lot of times I feel like my mom, you know, was my worst enemy and probably still is in some ways. Like, you know I mean? And I feel like the worst enemy you can have is a person that's that close to you and who else is close to you than your mom, you know?

It just really sucks. Like, it just sucks. And a lot of times I realized that, I started to realize as I got older too, that my mom really didn't like me because she really didn't like herself. You know? Like she really just did not like herself. And she projected onto me lot, but of course you gotta get older to realize that. You gotta go through like therapy and reflection and everything. In the moment though, it just rocks me.

And I hate that. So, yeah, not fun, but I definitely want to hear from you guys about whatever mommy trauma you have, because I definitely want to feel less alone about this issue. Whatever stories you have, however fucked up they are,

I want to hear from you about it and I think that'll help me open up more, which subsequently I think that'll help me like let go of some of this shit. Hopefully, hopefully I can let go of some of this shit. I feel like it's almost

mommy issues are like, it's like something that's so ingrained in you when you have them that it is so hard to just unweave it from your DNA. So yeah, anyway.

All right, enough with the heavy. How do we cope and heal from all of this bullshit? First off, therapy. Think of it as a spa day for your mind. I wanna tell you guys that I was the first one in my household to go to therapy, okay? I broke the generational mold. And when I

a senior in high school, I got really clinically depressed for the first time in my life, like super, super, super, super duper depressed. When I finally went to college after that, I did go to the school's therapist, you know, like I went there because my university had, you know, that available for free. And I was like, okay, I'm a broke college bitch. I'm going to take advantage of this. And I took advantage of it because I was really having a tough time coping.

Every day my mom would call me and she would like trauma dump on me what was going on in the marriage with her and my dad, which was never positive. What was going on in the house, all of her financial troubles. Every fucking day she would call me and dump all this on me and she wouldn't even ask me if I was all right. She wouldn't even take into account the shit that I was dealing with because she didn't give a fuck. She would just trauma dump on me and I wasn't.

who I am now, I didn't have the tools or the mental capacity to like realize all the stuff that I realize now. And I just took all of it on. I took all of that emotional burden that she dumped on me on, and I felt like I had to carry it. felt like, holy shit, all this stuff is going wrong. How can I help? I feel so bad. On top of everything personally that I was dealing with, just trying to navigate a new city, trying to navigate a crazy schedule.

between classes, working full time and trying to figure out where my next meal is gonna come from. Okay? So I got to a point, of course, I was running myself so ragged that I'm like, let me take advantage of this and sit in front of a person and try to process this. And in that first experience with therapy, like, I think I was hearing what was being said to me, but I wasn't really kind of taking it. And if that makes any sense, I didn't understand myself. I didn't understand what the fuck was even happening.

I wasn't all there to just summarize it. And again, like I heard that there was, but like I just didn't have the tools to process it. Then fast the fuck forward and I'm living at home post -grad, just, I don't know, just like working in corporate America and like, you know, making some good money and stuff like that, hanging out and doing my thing. And I reach a point where

anxiety. Anxiety has really rocked me and like, you know, just I started to have anxiety and panic attacks really bad. I felt like I was having a heart attack every single time. I went to the ER several times because of this and each time I went they were like, yeah, nothing is wrong with you. It's just an anxiety attack. And I didn't understand what the fuck was happening because I'm like, I'm perfectly okay. There's nothing.

I associated anxiety with like a specific event has to be happening to you and that maybe you have anxiety, of course, but like I just didn't understand what they were saying. Like, what do you mean? I was sitting there, I was fine. I wasn't thinking about anything bad. And like, all of a sudden I have this feeling like you're telling me it's just like anxiety. What is going on? So it got so bad and it got so debilitating that I was like, okay, I need to see a therapist like now. And my mom was like, you're crazy.

My sister was like, you're crazy. And everyone in my household, including my dad, you're crazy. Like, I guess you're nuts. And I just didn't listen to them, thank goodness. And I just took advantage, used my insurance, went to this therapist that was local and sat down and talked to her. And that's when therapy started to really have a positive effect. And I could hear what was being said to me, if that makes sense.

Like my therapist, I remember that particular therapist was the first one to really, you know, talks me about like, actually she wasn't, but like, I think the first time I really heard it was like talking to me about like, you know, considering like getting on medication. And that was still pretty early when people were still, there was still this stigma. There wasn't all this talk about mental health like there is now. And

everybody around me in my household and whatever, everything that I'd ever seen in pop culture, movies up to that point, anybody who was on medication basically was considered to be like absolutely batshit crazy. And that's how I thought of it. And that's why I was like, no, no, thank you. No, I don't want to be on medication because I don't want to like.

feel like I'm absolutely fucking insane and that I need these pills for my shrink to be able to function. And it took a while to get over that. And then finally, I had enough panic attacks to where I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, give me Xanax. Yeah, I'll take it. I'll take the whole lot. And over time, over years, I started to really utilize therapy as a safe space to talk about all of my issues, to work them out, to figure them

and get better and that really helped. And I'm saying all of this to you guys because if you have mommy issues or other issues, whether it's personality disorders, whether it's like, cause I, this, these mommy issues led to my borderline personality disorder. Like I said earlier, like those inconsistent, there was a lot of inconsistencies between, you know, my mom kind of like, yeah, she's there and she,

you know, I can't say it was all bad. Like she definitely had moments where she, you know, showed me she was nice to me or something like that. Or it's not just that, like she took care of me, right? Like she worked, she, you know, yeah, like she bought me the clothes she wanted to buy me, but she bought me clothes. Like she did all these things that, you know, I think a lot of parents sometimes maybe even don't do.

And she always talks about how much she cared about me and she cared about my future. She cared about what happened to me and loved me and all this kind of stuff. But it was so like back and forth. It was like one moment you could be good and the next moment you were like chopped liver. You know what I mean? And I think these early experiences with my mom and the neglect and the, know, being a prop and then being neglected, being a prop and then being neglected. I think it had

huge impact on me and helped me to develop borderline personality disorder and I'm dealing with it now. I'm dealing with it in my interpersonal relationships a lot and there's so many little triggers that I have to deal with as a result and so therapy is a place where I can get help with that so I want you guys to know that like yeah it's worth it not everybody has access to it too

Like some people, if you don't have insurance, like it's so expensive, like it's like crazy for you to get it. shit like that, but it is more accessible than it once was. And if you do have access to it, I think it's worth it to take advantage. Cause think about all the people that literally can't take advantage of it. You know what I mean? Cause they can't afford it. They don't have insurance or whatever it is. So take that spa day for your mind and work this shit out as much as you can. I'm still working on it. Okay.

If therapy isn't your thing or if you want to supplement it, try talking to your friends. You know, I think like for so long, I felt so alone about all of these issues because like I wasn't talking about it. And I didn't even know that anybody else kind of went through anything similar. So I felt really alone. And I think that like contributed to my depression and all of my stress and everything. And

It felt like this big weight I was carrying around that just was just for me, you know, and talking to my friends about mental health when it became less stigmatized, like really helped me to realize like, yeah, I'm not the only person who's anxious in the world or depressed or whatever or stressed. Like so many people have these same issues and even learning about like personality disorders and seeing a lot of people even recently come out now and like, you know, very like

well -known people say that they have borderline personality disorder is, and is like so impactful. So yeah, try talking to your friends. You don't have to tell them every little secret, but like it's a good thing to like realize that you're not alone. You can try journaling. Some people shy away from that. If you're like me, you might have trust issues and be like, shit, like what if I journal and then somebody finds it or some shit like that? Yeah, you can journal and then put in your shredder. It's just

cathartic act of like really getting out your thoughts and like when you're writing something like that down, whether it's like about your day or like whatever has recently happened to you, you can really get those thoughts out of your head and onto a tangible piece of paper. And it's very cathartic to do that. I can't really explain the feeling, but like it helps you to organize your thoughts and really think them through because when you're writing them, you're not just like writing like a bunch of like bullet pointed facts. You're

kind of getting into it, just like I am on this podcast. And it's helping you to kind of understand the source of your feelings a little bit more and it feels like really good to do. And then, yeah, like I said, you can shut it afterwards or you can keep it and review it later on and realize how differently you feel from that one moment, which can also be helpful. Or you can try things like screaming into a pillow or crying. mean, trust me, it does help. I've recently caved to the whole crying thing. I mean,

always had instances in my life where I cried. I'm not a robot, but I never really showed it. I had this whole mental talk track in my head because growing up, whenever I would cry, whether it was because I had to be forced to be on my knees for hours and sit up straight and be punished all the time for crazy things or be threatened with a belt or actually be beat up with a belt or like...

whatever the fuck it was, or just being sad and shit like that, whatever the fuck it was, I always was being constantly told that I wasn't allowed to cry or I'll give you something to cry about, and kind of being told that I needed to get over things. And so I developed this mental talk track that, yeah, crying isn't this acceptable thing. even when I started to cry, even when I'm alone, it would tell myself, ugh, you sound so pathetic.

You know, but these thoughts are not even mine. They're just like bad programming. And I need a software update. And I got one, you know what I mean? Like now I understand it and acknowledge like crying is okay. You're born crying. Crying is so helpful because it helps you to release something. And even screaming into a pillow helps. Like sometimes it's just too much and

you need to release it somehow and that's why crying is a thing in the first place. So don't be fucking afraid to cry. I cry at a ton of things now. I don't give a fuck. Like I'll cry at a commercial. I'll cry at like whatever. Like if it emotionally impacts me, I will cry and I don't give a fuck. Okay. And I didn't always know that it was okay to cry, but now I do. So if you need to cry, cry.

And remember, it's okay to love and resent someone at the same time, because human beings are complicated. We're just like Rubik's cubes covered in emotional stickers. And one profound thing that I realized was it's totally okay for me to have empathy for my mom, understand the traumas that she's been through. Like it's her first time on earth to like have, you know, love for her and all this kind of stuff. And also,

realize on the flip side that I resent her, I'm angry at her, you know what I mean? Because two things can be true at the same time. And the other thing that I also want to touch on is like decentering your parents. And especially since we're talking about moms, decentering your mom. I, like I said earlier, mom, mommy and daddy, like, yeah, I center my mom so much that like, even if,

any emergency situation is happening, like I'm gonna call my mom first, like I need to know her opinion, I need to know her thought, need to know, you know, whatever. And it's like, why though? Like actually, why? I was centering her so much. And the thing is, is like, when you're young, your parents are like a step, right, a step right below God, right? Like, and technically, you know, God to you.

Because you feel like they know everything, that their opinions are true, whether it's about you or someone else. It's like end all, be all. What they think of you matters so much. And as you get older, you are supposed to realize that your parents are just people. If I pop out a baby tomorrow, I'm still just a person, a very fucked up person, actually. And you have to realize that your parents

and your mom is a human being and very flawed human being, everything that she thinks is not always correct, whether it's about you or someone else, so that it stops having such a profound impact on you. And you can just look at her as like another human being, you know, with thoughts and actions that are sometimes or even oftentimes wrong.

And I've had a lot of trouble doing that, but I am consistently trying to do that because I don't feel good about the fact that I center my mom. You know, like I just don't. I tried so many things to like, she's like a situation ship, honestly, cause I have tried so many ways to get her to love me, like as a person, you know? Like I remember even in that time I talked to you guys about where like,

coming home from college and stuff like that and having that job and everything. I tried to buy her love and affection. I would have my money and just be taking her out, taking her to expensive dinners and shopping and giving her money and just living a lavish life with her, just trying to make her like me.

Literally at the time I didn't quite realize that that was what I was doing. I didn't realize You know what was behind my actions but like that's what I was trying to do was trying to like make her like me because She did not like me like without all of that. She treated me like absolute shit and Also, if you ask her like she kind of equates positive things to me based on like like if you ask her what she likes about me, she would tell

you know, I love her career success, you know, and intelligence there, her ability to, you know, be successful financially. And then you're like, well, take me a step deeper. Like, what do you like about her? I like that she like understands my opinions. Like she understands my opinions about things and stuff like that. And she shows me respect and it's like, OK. Well, but like,

personality wise, like what do you like about her? Like she would just crickets, you know, cause that's what it always was. She even told me, she even told me to my face after I asked her like, Hey, if we were the same age, like, would you be my friend? Like this is when I was younger. And she was like, no, no, we would never be friends. Like you're nothing like me. No, fuck no. And like, if that doesn't tell you like where we stand, it's like, yeah.

So I tried to buy her love that never worked. She loved the money. She loved whatever she got out of it. But no, that didn't work. And so I'm still going through the motions of trying to decenter my mom. And if you're not realizing that that's what you're doing, I hope this helps you to realize it. And I hope that you start to decenter your mom too. All right.

Let's let's move on. OK, let's move

All right, time for a new or rather old segment that I'm bringing back called the worst. This is where I share the absolute worst thing that's happened since the last episode. So let's see. The other day I had a mental breakdown because somebody that I really genuinely do not like or fuck with anymore because they traumatized me, did horrible things to me throughout my life, called me and was trying to wish me a happy birthday.

I just was irrationally angry over the fact that like, why do I have this person calling me? Why do I have them on my phone? I need to block them because it was very triggering for me. And my advice to you guys is like, if you have anyone in your life that, or even if they were like previously in your life, whatever, like an ex or somebody who you just don't want anything to fucking do with, block them.

Don't listen to people who are like, if you don't care, like just don't care, like, you know, whatever, let it ring. Like, no, even sometimes seeing somebody's number or name pop up on your phone can be more triggering than you realize. And that's what happened to me. So fucking block them on everything. And so you could just like not have to have that triggering moment. Cause I was triggered and I was pissed. Like I needed to change my number. I need to like not interact with like not even have an ability for this person to.

even attempt to interact with me, you know? And I'm the queen of changing my number or I was. I used to change my number every year, but now for the last couple of years, several years, like I've left my number the same and I really do need to change it because like there are people that I just do not want calling me because I don't want to be triggered or re -traumatized. So yeah, if you guys have

thing that has happened since the last episode that you wanna share that is the absolute worst. I wanna hear from you guys. So, send me an email DM posted on Reddit. Let me know what was the worst thing that's happened to

All right, guys, now I wanna hear from you. If you have any mommy issues, stories that you wanna share, be sure to email me at localneighborhoodbaby at gmail .com or DM me on Twitter or X, fuck you, Elon Musk. And my username is SD underscore anxious, that's S as in stressed, D as in depressed underscore anxious, which will be in the description.

Also again, be sure to join the new Reddit community at r slash SD anxious. Let's build a community where we can support each other. Your story might just be what somebody else needs to hear. So be sure to post on there, get in touch with me, let me know and you could be featured on the episode.

All right, before we wrap up, I need to talk about something very important, and that is monetary support. Producing this podcast takes a lot of time, effort, and money, but I love doing it. And I wanna bring you guys quality content with top -notch sound quality, and I need your help to continue to do that. I hope you enjoy the show, and if you do and you wanna support it, please consider making a contribution.

You can support me monthly on Spotify for podcasters or buymeacoffee .com slash SD anxious all links that I'll post below. I will make the donation very easy because you can just go on my website SD anxious .com and click on donate and that will allow you to donate to the podcast. If you want to become a member, I will also drop special confessional episodes for members only.

where I spill the tea on some of the worst things I've done. Trust me, you don't wanna miss out on that. All of those things will help me to, again, keep making quality episodes for you guys. And I really need a new mic. There's things that I want for the show that will benefit it. So yeah, I know how the economy is. I know that we're all very conscious of how we're spending our money. And just note that you can choose the amount of your donation.

If you want to become a monthly donor, can start at just 99 cents. So it would be so helpful. I would absolutely be thrilled if any of you guys wanted to support this show. And even if you're just supporting by listening, thank you so much. I can't tell you how much it really means to me. I love all of

That's it for today's episode, folks. Remember, it's okay to have complicated feelings about your mom. You're not alone in that. We're all just trying to figure this shit out, one therapy session, one podcast episode at a time. Thank you for tuning in to Stress, Depression, and Anxious. Stay strong and have a day, month, week, year free of stress, depression, and anxiety. Until next time.

Bye!