Mrs Lirriper's Legacy Part 1 by Charles Dickens

Mrs Lirriper’s Legacy by Charles Dickens: more stories of a London landlady in Victorian England

Episode 1 – Relations Old and New, and a Domestic Disaster

Cast
Mrs Lirriper -          S J Vant
Joshua Lirriper -  Jim Newberry
Policeman -            Mark Smith
Major Jackman - Mike Ayris
Mr Buffle -              Sid Moon
Young Boy -            Frankie Hart
Mrs Buffle -            Lisa Nightingale

Voice/Text

SCENE: Interior of lodging house

Mrs Lirriper
Ahh!  It’s pleasant to drop into my own easy chair, my dear, though a little palpitating what with trotting upstairs and down - and why kitchen stairs should be all corner stairs is for the builders to justify, though I do not think they fully understand their trade and never did, else why the sameness and why not more conveniences and fewer draughts?  Likewise, them making a practice of laying the plaster on too thick, I am convinced, which holds the damp. And as to chimney pots, putting them on by guesswork like hats at a party and no more knowing what their effect will be upon the smoke than I do - well!

Being here before your eyes, my dear, in my own quiet room in my own Lodging house – Number 81 Norfolk Street, Strand, London situated between the City and St James’s – yes, I am still in the Lodgings as a business, hoping to die in the same, and if agreeable to the clergy, with a service partly read over at St Clement’s Danes and concluded in Hatfield churchyard, lying once again by my poor Lirriper, ashes to ashes and dust to dust.

Neither should I tell you any news, my dear, in saying that the Major is still a fixture in the Parlours quite as much so as the roof of the house, and that my Jemmy is of boys the best and brightest; as he has ever had kept from him the cruel story of his poor, pretty mother Mrs Edson being deserted in the Second Floor and dying in my arms, fully believing that I am his born Gran and him an orphan. 

Mentioning my poor Lirriper brings into my head his own youngest brother, the Doctor, though a Doctor of what I am sure it would be hard to say unless it be Liquor - for neither Physic nor Music, nor yet Law does Joshua Lirriper know a morsel of, except being continually summoned to the County Court and having orders made upon him which he runs away from.

Mrs Lirriper
Once he was taken in the passage of this very house with an umbrella up, the door-mat wrapped round him, and the Major’s hat on.

Joshua Lirriper
(Singing, drunk) Be it ever so ‘umble, there’s no place like ‘ome.

FX struggle noises of Joshua Lirriper with Policeman

Joshua Lirriper
Gerroff!  Unhand me you varlet!  I am Sir Johnson Jones K.C.B. residing at the Horse Guards.

Mrs Lirriper
On which occasion he had got into the house not a minute before, through the girl letting him on the mat, when he sent in a piece of paper marked…

Joshua Lirriper
(Drunk and melodramatic) Immediate and waiting for an answer. I am desperate – you have the choice between giving me 30 shillings in hand or see my brains spilled on the premises.

Mrs Lirriper
My dear it gave me such a dreadful turn to think of the brains of my poor dear Lirriper’s own flesh and blood flying about the new oil cloth, however unworthy to be so assisted, that I went out of my room here to ask him what he would take, once for all, not to do it for life.  It was then I found him in the custody of two gentlemen, that I should have judged to be in the feather bed trade so fluffy were their personal appearance, if they had not announced it was the law.

Policeman
(Officiously kind) Come along now, sir.

Joshua Lirriper
Bring your chains, sir, rivet my fetters!

Mrs Lirriper
(Worried) Gentlemen, please to bring him in to Major Jackman’s apartments.

FX door opening

Major Jackman
Dammit, sir you scoundrel, (struggling with Joshua) give….me…. back…. my….hat!

Mrs Lirriper
(Bringing order crossly) Major be cool, and advise me what to do with Joshua, my dead and gone Lirriper’s only brother.

Major Jackman
(Recovering breath and angry) Madam.  My advice is that you board and lodge him in a gunpowder mill - with a handsome fee to the proprietor when it is exploded!

Mrs Lirriper
(Slight shock) Major, as a Christian, you cannot mean your words.

Major Jackman
Madam, by the Lord I do!

Joshua Lirriper
(Hammy) Come sirs!  Remove me to my vile dungeon.  Where is my mouldy straw?

FX large and loud belch

FX Mrs Lirriper bursts into tears

Mrs Lirriper
(Still crying) Major take my keys and settle with these gentlemen or I shall never know a happy minute more.

Major Jackman
Certainly madam.

Policeman
Off we go again then sir.

Mrs Lirriper
This scene has been done both several times and since, but I must remember that Joshua Lirriper has his good feelings, and shows them in being always so troubled in his mind when he cannot wear mourning clothes for his brother. Many a long year have I left off my widow’s mourning not being wishful to intrude, but there is a tender point in Joshua, that I cannot help a little yielding to.

FX dream or “the past” voice effect for Joshua’s speech

Joshua Lirriper
(Melodramatic) One single sovereign would enable me to wear a decent suit of mourning for my much-loved brother.  I vowed at the time of his lamented death that I would ever wear the black in memory of him but, alas, how short-sighted is man, how to keep that vow when penniless!

Mrs Lirriper
It says a good deal for the strength of his feelings that he couldn’t have been seven years old when my poor Lirriper died, and to have kept it ever since is highly creditable.  But we know there is good in all of us – if only we knew where it was in some of us.  It was far from delicate in Joshua to work upon my dear Jemmy’s feelings when he was first sent to school in Lincolnshire to write to him asking for his pocket money by return of post – which he got. 

Still he is my poor Lirriper’s younger brother and whether Joshua Lirriper will yet do well I cannot say.  But I did hear of his coming out at a Private Theatre in the character of a Bandit without receiving any offer afterwards from the regular managers.

I mention also, my dear, Mr Buffle as an instance of there being good in persons where good is not expected, for it cannot be denied that Mr Buffle’s manners when engaged in his business are not agreeable.  To collect money as the Assessor of Taxes is one thing, but to look about as if suspicious of the goods being gradually removed in the dead of night by the back door, is quite another.  Over taxing you have no control, but suspecting is voluntary.

Mrs Lirriper
Allowances too must be made for gentlemen of the Major’s ‘warmth’ not relishing to be spoken to with a pen in the mouth or with a broad brim hat kept on indoors; besides which, without bearing malice or vengeance, the Major is a man that scores up arrears, as his habit always was with Joshua Lirriper.

FX two sharp raps on the front door, door opened

Mr Buffle
(Highly officious) Collector has called for two quarters of Assessed Taxes.

Major Jackman
(Military click of heels) Sir, they are ready for him.

FX Mr Buffle walking around observing things of apparent interest and scribbling with a pencil

Mr Buffle
Hmm…hmm…aha…aha

Major Jackman
(Anger rising) Do you see a Ghost, sir?

Mr Buffle
No sir.

Major Jackman
Because I have before noticed you apparently looking for a spectre very hard beneath the roof of my respected friend.  When you find that supernatural agent, be so kind as to point him out, Sir.

(Introducing angrily) Mrs Lirriper, Sir.

Mr Buffle
Pleasure of knowing her.

Major Jackman
A-hum!  Jemmy Jackman Sir!

Mr Buffle
Honour of knowing you by sight.

Major Jackman
(Getting more militarily angry) Jemmy Jackman Sir presents to you his esteemed friend, that lady Mrs Emma Lirriper of 81 Norfolk Street, Strand, London in the County of Middlesex in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland.  Upon which occasion, Sir Jemmy Jackman takes your hat off.

FX Major’s effort and struggle with Mr Buffle and Buffle’s hat being knocked off his head

Mr Buffle
(Reacting) I say!  My hat! I’ll have it back.  And on.

FX Buffle movement and placing hat back on head

Mr Buffle
Hum!

Major Jackman
(Now angry proper) Sir!  There are two quarters of the Gallantry Taxes due and the Collector has called.

FX Major knocking the hat off Buffle’s head again

Mr Buffle
(Garbled with pen stuck in mouth) My hat sir!  This is an outr…

Major Jackman
Take the bit that is your confounded pen out of your mouth, Sir!  Or by the whole infernal system of taxation of this country and every individual figure in the National Debt, I’ll get upon your back and ride you like a horse!

FX gulp and cough from removal of the pen from Buffle’s mouth

Mr Buffle
This is an assault and I’ll have the law of you.

Major Jackman
(Duelling threat) Sir if you are a man of honour, your Collector of whatever may obtain what he wants in full at any moment by applying to Major Jackman at the Parlours, Mrs Lirriper’s Lodgings.

Mrs Lirriper
Pray let it go no further gentlemen I beg and beseech of you!

Major Jackman
(Snorting then) Good day then…Sir! 

FX showdown music

Mrs Lirriper
The Major could be got to do nothing else but snort long after Mr Buffle was gone. And when on the next day of Mr Buffle’s tax collection rounds, the Major spruced himself up and went up and down the street - with one eye almost obliterated by his hat - the effect it had upon my whole mass of blood there are not expressions in Johnson’s dictionary to state.

I got behind the Major’s blinds with my shawl on and my mind made up to rush out screeching till my voice failed me, and catch the Major round the neck the moment I saw danger. I had not been there a quarter of an hour when I saw Mr Buffle approaching with his collecting books in his hand.

FX two sets of ominous boot steps then silence

Major Jackman
Mr Buffle I believe?

Mr Buffle
That is my name sir.

Major Jackman
Have you any commands for me Mr Buffle?

Mr Buffle
Not any, Sir.

Major Jackman
Capital!

Mrs Lirriper
(Amused) Then my dear both of ‘em bowed very low and haughty and parted.  And from then on, whenever Mr Buffle made his rounds, him and the Major always met and bowed before the basement railings, putting me much in mind of Hamlet and the other gentleman in mourning before killing one another, though I could have wished the other gentleman had done it fairer and, even if less polite, no poison.

Mr Buffle and his family were not liked in this neighbourhood, for when you are a householder, my dear, you’ll find it does not come by nature to like the Assessor of Taxes.  And there was that domestic unhappiness in the family on account of Mr and Mrs Buffle being very hard with their daughter Miss Robina Buffle, on account of Miss Buffle favouring George, Mr Buffle’s articled young gentleman.  It was whispered that Miss Buffle would go either into consumption or a convent, she being so very thin and off her appetite.   

So things stood towards Mr Buffle when one night I was awoke by a frightful noise and a smell of burning.

FX external fire, noise, commotion that continues in the background

FX knocking loudly on internal doors

Major Jackman
(Banging door and shouting) Dress yourselves – Fire!

FX door knocking

Major Jackman
Don’t be frightened – Fire!

FX door knocking

Major Jackman
Collect your presence of mind!  Fire!

FX door knocking

Major Jackman
All right – Fire!

FX door being opened rapidly

Mrs Lirriper
Major!  Where is it?

Major Jackman
I don’t know dearest madam. Fire! Jemmy Jackman will defend you to the last drop of blood.  Fire! If the dear boy was at home what a treat this would be for him – Fire!

FX sash window being opened and external fire sounds and chaotic noise increase in volume, horse-drawn fire engine and bell

Major Jackman
(Calling down) Where is it?  Fire!

Young Boy
(Calling up) O here’s a lark!  Old Buffle’s been setting his houses alight to prevent its being found out that he’s boned the Taxes.  Hurrah!  Fire!

Mrs Lirriper
(Frightened) Oh dear.

FX sash window closing and fire sounds down

Major Jackman
Don’t be frightened dearest madam – Fire! There’s nothing to be alarmed at – Fire! I’ll go and see if I can be of any service – Fire! Don’t open the street door till I come back – Fire!
You’re quite composed and comfortable, aren’t you?  (Exiting) Fire! Fire! Fire!

FX external fire sounds up, door shutting, and fire sounds down again

Mrs Lirriper
It was in vain for me to hold the man and tell him he’d be galloped to death by the fire engines, pumped to death by his over-exertions, wet-feeted to death by the slop and mess, or flattened to death when the roofs fell in.  His spirit was up and he went scampering off after that young monkey with all the breath he had and none to spare.  Me and the girls huddled together at the parlour windows looking at the dreadful flames above the houses over the way, Mr Buffle’s being round the corner.

FX external fire sounds

Major Jackman
(Shouting instructions) Get the blanket on him!  Bring him up here!  Steady now!  He is not a sack of coal!

FX door opens, burst-in commotion and straining as someone is carried in and dumped on the sofa

Rescuer 1
Careful!

Rescuer 2
Steady!

Rescuer 3
You got hold of ‘im alright?

Rescuer 4
'E's slippin'!

All rescuers
Right! One! Two! Three! Ahhh!

Mr Buffle
Oh dear!

Major Jackman
(Triumphant announcement) Mr Buffle!

FX the rescue team exiting, then the door shuts

Rescuer 1
Make way!

Rescuer 2
Let’s go!

Rescuer 3
Who’s next?

Rescuer 4
It's the lady!

FX door bursts opens, burst-in commotion and straining as someone else is carried in and dumped on the sofa

Rescuer 1
Steady as she goes!

Rescuer 2
Mind the furniture!

Rescuer 3
Where shall we put her?

Rescuer 4
Gawd, she's 'eavy!

All rescuers
Right! One! Two! Three! Ahhhh!

Mrs Buffle
Oh!

Major Jackman
(Triumphant) Mrs Buffle!

FX the rescue team exiting, then door shuts

Rescuer 1
Make way!

Rescuer 2
Hurry! Hurry!

Rescuer 3
Where’s Fred?

Rescuer 4
I don't know!

FX door opens, burst-in commotion and straining as someone else is carried in and dumped on the sofa

Rescuer 1
Coming through!

Rescuer 2
Careful with ‘er!

Rescuer 3
Where now?

Rescuer 4
Over there!

All rescuers
Right! One! Two! Three! Ahhh!

Major Jackman
(Triumphant) Miss Buffle!

FX the rescue team exiting, then door shuts

Rescuer 1
Right, one more to go!

Rescuer 2
Where is ‘e?

Rescuer 3
In the parlour!

Rescuer 4
You sure?

FX door opens, burst-in commotion and straining as someone else is carried in

Rescuer 1
Steady! Steady!

Rescuer 2
Blimey, ‘e’s ‘eavy!

Rescuer 3
Cooor!

Rescuer 4
Aaaah!

All rescuers
One Two! Three! Ahhh!

Mr Buffle’s Articled Young Gentleman
(Groaning)  Ohhhh!

Major Jackman
(Triumphant) Mr Buffle’s articled young gentleman!

FX the rescue team exiting, then door shuts

Rescuer 1
Right! Where next?

Rescuer 2
Is that all of ‘em?

Rescuer 3
No, there's more of 'em!

Rescuer 4
Yeah – let’s get back!

Mrs Lirriper
All four were now sat in a row in the parlour each in a blanket; Mr Buffle awful with his eyes rolling, and his articled young gentleman with his hair having the appearance of being newly played upon.

My dear, we made them some hot tea and toast and hot brandy and water with a little comfortable nutmeg in it, and at first, they were scared and low in their spirits but, being fully insured, they got sociable.

Mr Buffle
Oh, my dear Major Jackman you are our Preserver and will forever be our friend!  My dearest sir, let me make you known to Mrs Buffle and Miss Buffle.

Mrs Buffle
Major Jackman you are indeed our honoured Preserver and lifelong friend!

Mrs Lirriper
Mr Buffle leaned up against Mrs Buffle being two bundles under the blankets.

Mr Buffle
(Welling up to a big announcement) Ahem!  We have not been an united family – let us after this danger become so.

Mrs Lirriper
And I do not know that I ever had a pleasanter meal than the breakfast we took together after we had all dozed, when Miss Buffle made tea very sweetly in quite the Roman style as depicted formerly at Covent Garden Theatre, and when the whole family was most agreeable, as they have ever proved since that night when the Major stood at the foot of the fire escape and claimed them as they came down.

FX begin exit music

Mrs Lirriper
And though I do not say that we should be less liable to think ill of each other if strictly limited to blankets, still I do say that we might most of us come to a better understanding if we kept one another less at a distance.


Narrator
In Episode 1 of Mrs Lirriper’s Legacy by Charles Dickens, Mrs Lirriper was played by S-J Vant with Jim Newberry as Joshua Lirriper. The Policeman was Mark Smith and Major Jackman was inhabited by Mike Ayris. Sid Moon was the officious Mr Buffle, Lisa Nightingale Mrs Buffle, and the Young Boy was portrayed by Frankie Hart.

The story was adapted and directed by Jim Newberry, with sound engineering and all audio effects mastered by Robbie Burgess. This is a joint venture between Oldolly and Uptick Productions.

In Episode 2, Mrs Lirriper will again encounter her arch-rival Miss Wozenham, and the revelation of her legacy creates a mystery for Emma Lirriper that can only be resolved by a trip abroad for her, the Major and Master Jemmy – to France.

FX exit music fades out