Mrs Lirriper's Legacy Part 2 by Charles Dickens

Mrs Lirriper’s Legacy by Charles Dickens: more stories of a London landlady in Victorian England

Episode 2 – Affairs with Miss Wozenham and the Legacy Adventure Begins

Cast (in order of appearance)

Narrator -                                        Jim Newberry
Mrs Lirriper -                                 S J Vant
Sally Rairyganoo, a maid -      Emma Willatts
Miss Wozenham -                      Jane Pulford
Winifred Madgers, a maid - Emma Willatts
The French Consul -                Jim Newberry
Major Jackman -                        Mike Ayris
French Waitress -                      Emma Willatts
Master Jemmy -                         Frankie Hart
Young French Man -                Mark Smith

Narrator
In Episode 1, we met Mrs Lirriper’s drunken brother-in-law Joshua, Mr Buffle, the officious tax collector, and heard of the Buffle family’s rescue from a terrible fire that was masterminded by Major Jackman.

Now Mrs Lirriper sees an old foe in a new light, and the mystery of her Legacy finally begins across the Channel in France.

SCENE: Interior of lodging house

Mrs Lirriper
Why, my dear, there is the matter of Wozenham’s lodging house, lower down on the other side of the street. I had a feeling of much soreness for several years respecting what I must still ever call Miss Wozenham’s systematic underbidding, and the likeness of the house in Bradshaw’s Guide having far too many windows, and a most umbrageous and outrageous oak tree, which never yet was seen in Norfolk Street, nor yet a carriage and four at the Wozenham door.

This frame of mind continued bitter down to the very afternoon in January last when one of my girls, Sally Rairyganoo – which I still suspect of Irish extraction though family represented Cambridge – came banging (I can use no milder expression) into my room with a jump which may be Cambridge and may not.

Sally Rairyganoo
(Irish accent, gleeful) Hello Missus!  Ha ha!  Miss Wozenham has gone and sold up!

Mrs Lirriper
(Astonished) Miss Wozenham – sold up?

My dear, when I had it thrown in my face and conscience that the girl Sally had reason to think I could be glad of the ruin of a fellow creeter, I burst into tears and was ashamed of myself.

I tried to settle to my tea but I could not do it what with thinking of Miss Wozenham and her distresses.  It was a wretched night and I went up to a front window and looked over at Wozenham’s and, as well as I could make it out down the street in the fog, there was not a light to be seen.  So, I puts on my oldest bonnet and shawl – not wishing Miss Wozenham to be reminded of my best at such a time.

FX external door being knocked and then opened slowly

Mrs Lirriper
Is Miss Wozenham at home?

FX sniffing from crying

Mrs Lirriper
Miss Wozenham?  Miss Wozenham, it is several years since there was a little unpleasantness betwixt us on the subject of my grandson’s cap being down your basement.  I have overlooked it and I hope you have done the same.

Miss Wozenham
(Still tearful but surprised) Yes, Mrs Lirriper I have.

Mrs Lirriper
Then my dear, I should be glad to come in and speak a word to you.

FX Miss Wozenham bursts into tears

Mrs Lirriper
Now, my dear tell me all.

Miss Wozenham
O Mrs Lirriper that man is in possession here and I have not a friend in the world who is able to help me with a shilling!

Mrs Lirriper
(Aside) Oh my dear, I’d have given 30 shillings to have taken her over to tea, only I dursn’t on account of the Major because she had offended his pride.

FX Miss Wozenham sobbing

Mrs Lirriper
Miss Wozenham, if you could give me a cup of tea to clear my muddle of a head, I should better understand your affairs.

Miss Wozenham
Oh, thank you!

FX tea being taken

Mrs Lirriper
Why what a waddling old goose I have been my dear to take you for something so very different!

Miss Wozenham
Ah but I too, how have I mistaken you!

Mrs Lirriper
Come, for goodness sake tell me what you thought of me?

Miss Wozenham
O, I thought you had no feeling for such a hard, hand-to-mouth life as mine, and were rolling in affluence.

FX both ladies laugh heartily

Mrs Lirriper
(Through the laughter) Only look at my figure, my dear and give me your opinion whether, if I was in affluence, I should be likely to roll in it!

FX more laughter

Mrs Lirriper
So, we had the tea and the rest of the affairs too and, after all, it was but 40 pound and – there!  She’s as industrious and straight a creeter as ever lived, and has paid back half of it already – and where’s the use of saying more, particularly when it ain’t the point? 

We got as merry as grigs (whatever they are, if you happen to know my dear – I don’t) and I went back to my blessed home as happy and thankful as could be.

But before I make an end of it, think even of my having misunderstood the Major!  Yes!  For next morning the Major came into my little room with his brushed hat in his hand.

Major Jackman
(Tentative) My dearest madam – my esteemed and beloved friend...

Mrs Lirriper
(Frightened) Major has anything happened to our darling boy?

Major Jackman
No, no, no.  (A bit astounded) But Miss Wozenham has been here this morning to make her excuse to me, and by the Lord I can’t get over what she told me.

Mrs Lirriper
Hoity toity Major, you don’t know yet that I was afraid of you last night and didn’t think half as well of you as I ought!  So come out of church, Major, and forgive me like a dear old friend and I’ll never do so any more. 

And I leave you to judge, my dear, whether I ever did or will.  And now, my dear, I really am going to tell you about my Legacy if you’re inclined to favour me with your attention, and I did fully intend to have come straight to it, only one thing does so bring up another.

It was the month of June and the day before Midsummer Day when my girl Winifred Madgers comes to me. She was what is termed a Plymouth Sister, and the Plymouth Brother that made away with her was quite right, for a tidier young woman for a wife never came into a house.

Winifred Madgers
A gentleman from the Consul’s wishes particular to speak to Mrs Lirriper.

Mrs Lirriper
(Doubtful) Oh. Show him in.

FX door closing

French Consul
Madame Lirrwiper!

Mrs Lirriper
Yes sir. Take a chair.

French Consul
Madame, I come frrwom the Frrench Consul’s.

Mrs Lirriper
(To herself) Well, I can see at once it’s not the Bank of England.

French Consul
We have rrweceived frrom the Mairrwie at Sens, a communication which I will have the honour to rrwead.  Madame Lirrwiper understands Frrwench?

Mrs Lirriper
Oh, dear no Sir!  Madame Lirriper don’t understand anything of the sort.

French Consul
It matters not.  I will trrwanslate.  In the town of Sens in Northern France an unknown Englishman lies dying.  He is speechless and without motion. In his lodgings are a gold watch, a purwse with money, and a trwunk containing clothes, but no passport and no paperws. 

Except that on his table is a pack of cards. Written in pencil on the back of one card, the ace of hearrts, are the words: “To the authorities. When I am dead, pray send what is left, as a last Legacy, to Mrs Lirrwiper of 81 Norfolk Strweet, Strwand, London.

Does Madame Lirrwiper believe she rrwecognises her unfortunate compatrrwiot? 

Mrs Lirriper
(Confused) Compatrrwiot?  Excuse me sir.  Would you have the kindness to make your language as simple as you can?

French Consul
This Englishman unhappy, at the point of death.  This (with difficulty) compatriot afflicted.

Mrs Lirriper
Thank you.  I understand you now.  No sir I have not the least idea who this can be.

French Consul
Has Madame Lirrwiper no son, no nephew, no godson, no frrwend, no acquaintance of any kind in Frrwance?

Mrs Lirriper
To my certain knowledge, no relation or friend, and to the best of my belief no acquaintance.

French Consul
Pardon me.  You take Locataires?

Mrs Lirriper
(Confused, to herself) Lockytears?  Lockytears?  (Realisation) Oh no, I thank you.  I have not contracted the snuff habit.

French Consul
Lodgers, madame!

Mrs Lirriper
(Laughing) Oh!  Bless the man!  Why yes to be sure!

French Consul
May it not be a former lodger?  Some lodger you pardoned some rrwent?  You ‘ave pardoned lodgers some rrwent?

Mrs Lirriper
It has happened Sir, but I assure you I can call to mind no gentleman of that description that this is at all likely to be.

French Consul
Mmm.  It is very strwange.

Mrs Lirriper
In short my dear we could make nothing of it and the gentleman noted down what I said and went away.  But he left me with a copy of the paper and then the Major came in.

Major Jackman
Well, madam?

Mrs Lirriper
Well indeed, Major.  Here is Old Moore’s Almanac with the hieroglyphic complete for your opinion.

FX Major Jackman muttered reading

Major Jackman
My word!

Mrs Lirriper
Major. You’re paralysed.

Major Jackman
Madam, Jemmy Jackman is doubled up.

Mrs Lirriper
Major, do you know whereabouts this same town of Sens is, in France?

Major Jackman
Madame, I do. Sens is some 70 miles south of Paris.

Mrs Lirriper
(Building up to it) Major, we will go there with our blessed boy!

Major Jackman
Capital, madam, capital!

Mrs Lirriper
If ever the Major was beside himself it was at the thought of that journey.  All day long he was like the wild man of the woods and early next morning - hours before Master Jemmy could possibly come home from boarding school for his Midsummer holidays - he was outside in the street.

FX carriage and horses

Major Jackman
Ha ha!  Master Jemmy!  We are all going to France!

FX the sea

Mrs Lirriper
So on the second day after Midsummer we went off by the morning mail coach.   And when we came to the sea, which I had never seen but once in my life and that when my poor Lirriper was courting me, the freshness of it, and the deepness and the airiness, and to think that it had been rolling ever since and was always rolling and so few of us minding, made me feel quite serious.  But I felt happy too and so did Jemmy and the Major and not much motion on the whole.

But, my dear, the blueness and lightness and the coloured look of everything when we got across to the Continent – it made me feel as if I don’t know what – as if the atmosphere had been lifted off me. 

Mrs Lirriper
And as to the lunch, why bless you if I kept a man-cook and two kitchen maids I couldn’t get it done for twice the money, and no injured young woman a-glaring at you and grudging you, and acknowledging your patronage by wishing that your food might choke you.  But so civil, hot, and attentive and every way comfortable - except Jemmy pouring wine down his throat by tumblers-full and me expecting him to drop under the table at any moment.

FX restaurant in background

Waitress
Qu’est-ce que vous voulez boire, madame?

Mrs Lirriper
Non-comprenny, you’re very kind, but it’s no use – Now Jemmy!

Master Jemmy
Don’t worry Gran, let me.

Mrs Lirriper
And then Jemmy fires away at ‘em lovely, the only thing wanting in his French, being as it appeared to me, that he hardly ever understood a word of what they said to him, though in other respects he was a perfect native.

Before going on to look after my Legacy, we were to make one regular day in Paris, and I leave you to judge my dear what a day that was with Jemmy and the Major and me and the prowling young man at the inn door (but very civil too), that went along with us to show us the sights.

Young French Man
Wil I speak Inglis, no?

Mrs Lirriper
If you can young man I shall take it as a favour.

Major Jackman
(Laughter) Ha ha!  Capital!

Young French Man
(Heavily accented) ‘Ow you say, Capital?

Mrs Lirriper
Well, after half an hour of this, I fully believed the man had gone mad and me too, so I told him to put a stop to it and fall back on his French.

FX French street background

And of Paris I can tell you no more, my dear, than it’s town and country both in one, and carved stone and long streets of high houses and gardens and fountains and statues and trees and gold, and immensely big soldiers and immensely little soldiers. 

And the pleasantest nurses with the whitest caps a playing at skipping rope, and clean tablecloths spread everywhere for dinner, and people sitting out of doors smoking and sipping all day long, and little plays being acted in the open air for little people and every shop a complete and elegant room.  Everybody seeming to play at everything in the world.

And very cool and refreshing the pleasant country was the next day when we went on to look after my Legacy, and rested me much and did me a deal of good.

So at length and at last, my dear, we came to Sens, a pretty little town with a great two-towered cathedral and the rooks flying in and out of the loopholes, and another tower atop one of these towers like a sort of stone pulpit. 

The pleasantest-situated inn we stayed in my dear!  Right under the two towers with their shadows a-changing upon it all day like a kind of sundial, and country people driving in and out of the courtyard in carts and hooded cabriolets for the market outside in front of the cathedral.

Major Jackman
Madam, may I propose that, whatever comes of your Legacy, this should be the place to stay for our holiday?

Mrs Lirriper
Indeed, it should Major.  May I also suggest that our dear boy had best not be checked in his joy by the sight of the dying Englishman - if he is still alive?  In short, we should go together and alone to visit him.

Major Jackman
Of course, madam.

Mrs Lirriper
And so we did.  After dinner, when Master Jemmy had set off to see the river, the Major went down to the Mairie and presently came back with a military character in a sword and spurs,  a cocked hat, a yellow shoulder belt, and long tags about him that he must have found inconvenient.

Major Jackman
The Englishman still lies in the same state, dearest madam.  This gentleman will conduct us to his lodging.

Mrs Lirriper
The military character went in front and he stopped at a pork shop with a little statue in the window of a pig sitting up, and a private door that a donkey was looking out of. 

FX donkey hee-hawing

So the coast being clear, the Major and me were conducted up the common stair and into the front room on the Second, a bare room and the outside blinds closed to darken it. 

FX blinds being raised

The sun had got low and darkened the cathedral tower.  I turned to the bed by the wall and saw the Englishman.  He had some kind of brain fever, his hair was all gone, and some wetted folded linen lay upon his head.  Though lying there alone, the poor creetur was as well taken care of as could be hoped, and would have been quite unconscious of anyone sitting by him then.

Major Jackman
(Whispering) Madam, I never saw this face before.

Mrs Lirriper
I never saw this face before. (Whispering) Tell the French man we don’t know him and I’ll be back tomorrow to sit by him.

Major Jackman
(Stumbling, bad French) Er…nous ne connaissons pas…er…cet homme.  Madame…er…va…rentrer demain.

Mrs Lirriper
I got the Major to add – and I shook my head hard to make it stronger - that “We agree that we never saw this face before”.

The military character shrugged his shoulders and showed the Major the card on which was written about the Legacy for me.  It had been written with a weak and trembling hand and we knew no more about the writing than the face. 

Our boy was greatly surprised when we told him of this, sitting out on the balcony in the starlight, and he ran over some of the Major’s stories of former Lodgers.

In the morning, just at breakfast time, the military character came jingling round.

Major Jackman
He says that the doctor thinks there may be some rally for the Englishman before the end.

Mrs Lirriper
You two boys go and enjoy yourselves, and I’ll take my prayer book and go sit by the bed.

FX the Englishman stirring

It was quite late on in the day when the Gentleman finally moved his hand.  He had been so still that the moment he moved I knew of it, and I pulled of my spectacles and laid down my book and rose and looked at him.  From moving one hand he began to move both, and then his action was that of a person groping in the dark.  Long after his eyes had opened, there was a film over them and he still felt for his way out into light.  But by slow degrees his sight cleared and his hands stopped.  He saw the ceiling, he saw the wall, and he saw me.

As his sight cleared mine cleared too and at last we looked into one another’s faces.

It is YOU!

FX exit music plays out

Narrator
In Episode 2 of Mrs Lirriper’s Legacy by Charles Dickens, S-J Vant was Mrs Lirriper. Emma Willatts played Sally Rairyganoo, the maid, and Jane Pulford was again Miss Wozenham. Major Jackman was delivered by Mike Ayris, the French Consul by Jim Newberry, Master Jemmy by Frankie Hart, and the Young French Man was Mark Smith. All other parts were played by members of this cast.

The story was adapted and directed by Jim Newberry, with sound engineering and all audio effects mastered by Robbie Burgess. This is a joint venture between Oldolly and Uptick Productions.

In the third and last Episode of Mrs Lirriper’s Legacy, the true identity of the dying Englishman will finally be revealed and the sins of the past are resolved. Mrs Lirriper, the Major and Jemmy are left to enjoy their French holiday, during which Major Jackman goes native, and Young Jemmy tells a pertinent story of his own.   

ENDS