Mrs Lirriper's Lodgings Part 1 by Charles Dickens

Transcript

Episode 1 – How Mrs Lirriper Carried On The Business

FX intro theme fades out

SCENE: Interior of lodging house

FX grandfather clock ticking and striking the half-hour

FX slurping of a cup of tea

Voice/Text

Mrs Lirriper

Whoever would begin to be worried with letting Lodgings that wasn’t a lone woman with a living to earn is a thing inconceivable to me, my dear. Excuse the familiarity but it comes natural to me in my own little room, when wishing to open my mind to those people I can trust: and I should be truly thankful if that were all mankind.

But such a thing is not so, for you only have to have a “Furnished Rooms To Let” sign in the window and you can say farewell to your watch on the mantelpiece if you turn your back for but a second, however gentlemanly the manners. Nor is being of your own sex any safeguard as I have reason, in the form of a pair of sugar tongs, to know: for that lady (and a fine woman she was) got me to run for a glass of water on the plea of being with child and going to be “confined”, which certainly turned out to be true…but it was in the Police Station.

Number 81 Norfolk Street, The Strand, London – midway between the City and St James’ and within five minutes’ walk of the principle places of public amusement – is my address. I have rented this house for many years. My dear, you never have found Number 81 Norfolk Street, The Strand advertised in Bradshaw’s Railway Guide and, with the blessing of Heaven, you never will.

Some there are who do not think it lowering themselves to make their names that cheap. Even going to the lengths of a fanciful portrait of the house with a coach and four at the door. But what will suit Wozenham’s, lower down on the other side of the way, will not suit me.

Miss Wozenham having her opinions and me having mine, though when it comes to systematic underbidding capable of being proven on oath in a court of justice…

Miss Wozenham

If Mrs Lirriper names 18 shillings a week, I name fifteen and six.

Mrs Lirriper

…it then comes to a settlement between yourself and your conscience.

It is 40 years ago since me and my poor Lirriper got married at St Clement’s Danes, where I now have a seat in a very pleasant pew with genteel company and my own hassock.

My poor Lirriper was a handsome figure of a man with a beaming eye and a voice as mellow as a musical instrument made of honey and steel. But he had ever been a free liver – so-to-speak - being in the commercial travelling line and following what he called a limekiln road.

FX flashback effect for Mr Lirriper

Mr Lirriper

A dry road, Emma my dear, where I have to lay the dust with one drink or another all day long and half the night, and it wears me out Emma, my dear, it wears me out.

Mrs Lirriper

..and this led to his running through a good deal of money, and he might have run through the turnpike too when that dreadful horse of his that never would stand still for an instant set off.

FX horse neighing and clatter of coach wheels then accident

But for its being night and the gate shut, it consequently took his wheel, and my poor Lirriper and the gig were smashed to atoms.

Him being behindhand with the world, and being buried at Hatfield church in Hertfordshire – not that it was his native place but that he had a liking for the Salisbury Arms where we went on our wedding day and passed as happy a fortnight as ever was – I went round to his creditors.

FX hubbub of small group of men talking. Banging of gavel to bring the meeting to order

Mrs Lirriper

Ahem. Gentlemen, I am acquainted with the fact that I am not answerable for my late husband’s debts, but I wish to pay them for I am his lawful wife and his good name is dear to me. I am going into the Lodgings, gentlemen, as a business, and if I prosper, every penny that my late husband owed shall be paid for the sake of the love I bore him.

FX applause and hubbub fade out

It took a long time to do but it was done. And when it was, I don’t mind confessing to you my dear, that I then put a sandwich and a drop of sherry in a little basket, went down to Hatfield churchyard and kissed my husband’s grave, though bless you, it had taken me so long to clear his name that my wedding ring was worn quite fine and smooth when I laid it on the green waving grass.

But it was about the lodgings that I was intending to hold forth. After fixtures, girls are your first trial, and they try you even worse than what I call the Wandering Christians, though why they should roam the earth - coming in and viewing the apartments, quibbling about terms, and never at all wanting them or dreaming of taking them - is a mystery I should be thankful to have explained, if by any miracle it could be.

It’s wonderful they live so long and thrive so on it, but I suppose the exercise makes it healthy, knocking on doors so much and going from house-to-house and up and down stair all day; and then their pretending to be so particular and punctual is a most astonishing thing.

Wandering Christian

(Nerdy) Could you give me the refusal of the rooms till 20 minutes past 11 the day after tomorrow in the forenoon and, supposing it to be considered essential by my friend from the country, could there be a small iron bedstead put in the little room up the stairs?

Mrs Lirriper

Why when I was new to it, my dear, I used to consider before I promised, and make my mind anxious with calculations and get quite wearied out with the disappointments. But now I just says “Certainly by all means” well-knowing it’s a Wandering Christian and I shall hear no more about it.

Indeed, by this time, I now know most of the Wandering Christians by sight as well they know me, it being the habit of each individual revolving round London in that capacity to come back about twice a year.

Girls, as I was beginning to remark, are one of your first and lasting troubles, being like your teeth, which begin with convulsions and never cease tormenting you from the time you cut them till they cut you. Even when you employ a good girl, nine times out of 10 you’ll get a dirty face with it, and naturally lodgers do not like good society to be shown in with a smear of black across the nose or a smudgy eyebrow.

Where they pick it up from is a mystery to me, as in the case of the willingest girl that ever came into a house, half-starved poor thing. A girl so willing I called her Willing Sophy – down on her knees scrubbing early and late and ever cheerful, but always smiling with a blackened face.

I told her to have a regular day for her stoves, keep away from the blacking and not to brush her hair with the bottom of saucepans. Yet there it always was on her nose which, turning up and being broad at the end, seemed to boast of it and caused warning from a steady gentleman lodger of mine. Well consequently, I put poor Sophy to other work and forbid her answering the door or a bell on any account.

But she was so unfortunately willing that nothing would stop her flying up the kitchen stairs whenever a bell was heard to tingle. Finally, I put it to her - for goodness sake where did it come from?

Willing Sophy

(Bursts into tears and then sniffling) I took a deal of black into me, ma’am, when I was a small child being much neglected, and I think it must be that it works out.

Mrs Lirriper

(Sympathetic) Sophy, my dear, I don’t have another fault to find with you, but it will continue to work out of you. (Encouraging) What do you think of my helping you away to New South Wales where it might not be noticed?

Willing Sophy

(Sniffling then interested) Oh…

Mrs Lirriper

Nor did I ever repent the money which was well spent, for she married the ship’s cook on the voyage and did well and lived happy, and so far as I ever heard it was not noticed in a new state of society to her dying day.

My dear, I do assure you that it’s a harassing thing to know what kind of girls to give preference to for work: for if they are lively, they get bell’d off their legs; if they are sluggish, you suffer from it yourself in complaints; if they are sparkle-eyed, they get made love to; if they are smart in their persons, they try on your lodger’s clothes; and if they are musical, I defy you to keep them away from bands and organs. And then what the gentleman likes in girls, the ladies don’t, which is fruitful hot water for all parties.

Mrs Lirriper

And then there’s temper, though such a temper as Caroline Maxey’s I hope not often. A good-looking, black-eyed girl was Caroline, and when a newly-married couple come to see London from my First Floor, with the lady haughty and not liking the comely appearance of Caroline (having nothing of her own to spare), she did try Caroline’s patience sorely - though that was no excuse.

FX loud steps on the stairs and door being flung open

Caroline Maxey

(Really angry) Ohhhh, Mrs Lirriper, that woman in Number One has aggravated me past bearing!

Mrs Lirriper

(Mollifying) Caroline, keep your temper.

Caroline Maxey

(Curdling laugh) Keep my temper?! You’re right Mrs Lirriper, so I will. Capital D her! I’ll give her a touch of the temper that I keep!

FX roaring and screeching from Caroline, stomping up the stairs and door flung open

FX shock and panic from the married couple. Verbalised anger and then exertion from Caroline

FX a china tea service crashing to the ground and other room content mayhem

FX shock and panic from the married couple

FX footsteps ascending stairs quickly

Mrs Lirriper

(Breathing heavily as she arrives) Caroline, be calm.

FX exertion from Caroline – and a punch

Mrs Lirriper

(Not managing to dodge the blow) Oh!

FX more exertion from Caroline and cat-fight with the lady

FX banging a head on the floor and exertion from Caroline and “Oh ohs!” from the lady

FX shout of “Murder!” from the gentleman and assorted mayhem from all present that continues

EXTERIOR FX police whistle sounds

EXTERIOR FX sash window being opened

Miss Wozenham

(Calling from her balcony, melodramatic) Policemen, it’s me – Miss Wozenham! It’s Mrs Lirriper. She has overcharged a lodger to madness – she’ll be murdered – I always thought so - policemen save her! (Cackle of laughter).

FX two pairs of footsteps running upstairs

FX continuing struggle in the room

Policeman 1

Oy!

Policeman 2

What’s going on?

FX Caroline Maxey attacking policemen with a poker

Policeman 1

She’s got a poker!

FX continuing struggle from policemen and Caroline as she is restrained, still shouting and snarling

Mrs Lirriper

(Pleading amidst the struggle) Gentlemen policemen, pray remember that her sex is the sex of your mothers and sisters and sweethearts, and God bless them and you!

Policeman 1

(While struggling with Caroline) Thank you ma’am.

(Struggling and then gaining control) Daaaa!

(Breathing heavily) Right, ‘cuff her.

Caroline Maxey

(Breathing heavily) Oh Mrs Lirriper, I’m sorry as I ever touched you, for you’re a kind, motherly old thing.

Mrs Lirriper

That made me think that I had often wished I had been a mother indeed and how would my heart feel if I had been the mother of that girl! Well you know, it turned out at the police station that she had done it before, and so she was sent to prison. When she was to come out I trotted off to the gate in the evening with a morsel of jelly in that little basket of mine to give her a mite of strength to face the world again.

Mrs Lirriper

(Motherly) Oh Caroline, come along with me and sit down under the wall and eat a little trifle I have brought with me to do you good.

Caroline Maxey

O, why were you never a mother when there are such mothers as there are? (Recovering and then laughing) Did I really tear your cap to shreds?

Mrs Lirriper

(Laughing) You certainly did so Caroline!

Caroline Maxey

(More laughing then) Then why do you wear such funny old caps, you dear old thing? If you hadn’t worn such a cap I don’t think I should have done it even then.

Mrs Lirriper

What are you going to do?

Caroline Maxey

O, I will do well enough. Do not worry.

Mrs Lirriper

So we parted, she being very thankful and kissing my hands and I nevermore saw or heard of that girl.

My dear, when you go into the Lodging business I have not the words to tell you what you lay yourself open to in the way of being the object of uncharitable suspicions. It is a hardship hurting to the feelings that lodgers open their minds so wide to the idea that you are trying to get the better of them, and shut their minds so close to the idea that they are trying to get the better of you. But as Major Jackman says to me.

Major Jackman

I know the ways of this circular world, Mrs Lirriper, and that’s one of ‘em all round it.

Mrs Lirriper

Dear, dear 13 years have passed – though it seems but yesterday – since I was sitting one August evening, with my glasses on at the open front parlour window reading yesterday’s paper, when I hear a gentleman come posting across the road and up the street in a dreadful rage.

EXTERIOR: FX angry voice of Major Jackman at a distance getting closer “It’s a travesty!” “Madam, never I have been so insulted in my life!” “Your establishment is a disgrace!” etc.

Major Jackman

By George! I’ll go to Mrs Lirriper’s. Which IS Mrs Lirriper’s? (Seeing Mrs Lirriper, calling up) Excuse the intrusion madam, but pray can you tell me at what number in this street there resides a well-known and much-respected lady by the name of Lirriper?

Mrs Lirriper

Sir, Mrs Lirriper, your humble servant.

Major Jackman

Astonishing! A million pardons! Madam, may I ask you to have the kindness to direct one of your domestics to open the door to a gentleman in search of apartments by the name of Jackman?

FX front door opening

Major Jackman

Madam, I am shocked at your opening the door yourself to no worthier fellow than Jemmy Jackman. After you madam. I never precede a lady. (Sniffs good and hard then) Aaaah! These are parlours! Not musty cupboards but parlours, and no smell of coal sacks.

Mrs Lirriper

Oh no Mr Jackman, you must be referring to Arundel, Surrey or Howard Street, but not Norfolk!

Major Jackman

Madam, I refer to Wozenham’s lodgings, lower down over the way. Madam, you can form no notion of what Wozenham’s is – it is one vast coal sack, and Miss Wozenham has the principles and manners of a female coal heaver.

Madam, from the manner in which I have heard her mention you, I know she has no appreciation of a lady; and from the manner in which she has conducted herself towards me, I know she has no appreciation of a gentleman.

Madam, my name is Jackman. Should you require any other reference than what I have already said, I name the Bank of England – perhaps you know it!

FX begin exit music

Mrs Lirriper

And that, my dear, was the beginning of the Major’s time occupying the parlours. But now, my dear, I need to check on the new girl who is supposed to be making up the First Floor, so please make yourself comfortable while I’m away.

FX exit music fades out

Mrs Lirriper's Lodgings Part 1 by Charles Dickens

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