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Following the tragedy of Mrs Edson's death, Mrs Lirriper and Major Jackman are now her son Little Jemmy's guardians. In this final part of the story, the youngster encounters Miss Wozenham, gets lost in the metropolis, and is educated in a unique fashion by Major Jackman. who finds a new purpose in life once his little namesake has gone away to school.
Episode 3 of 3
Mrs Lirriper’s Lodgings by Charles Dickens; stories of a London landlady in Victorian England
Episode 3 – The Raising and Education of Master Jemmy
Cast
Narrator Jim Newberry
Mrs Lirriper S J Vant
Jane Emma Willatts
Master Jemmy Frankie Hart
Policeman Mark Smith
Major Jackman Mike Ayris
Narrator
With the tragic death of her lodging house guest Mrs Edson, Mrs Lirriper and Major Jackman have adopted her alone-in-the-world baby son.
We now hear about the childhood scrapes of this young ward, Master Jemmy, as he grows up, and of another encounter with arch-rival Miss Wozenham (lower down and over the way). We will hear too of the unique system of children’s education, perfected by Major Jackman, that prepares Young Jemmy for new learning horizons.
SCENE: Interior of lodging house room
Mrs Lirriper
So, this is the why and wherefore of its coming to pass that the Major and I came to be parents to the infant son of poor Mrs Edson. We called him Jemmy, being after the Major his own godfather, with Lirriper for a surname being after myself. Never was a dear child such a brightening thing in a Lodging House, or such a playmate to his grandmother as Jemmy, always good and minding what he was told (upon the whole), soothing for the temper, and making everything pleasanter.
Except when he grew old enough to drop his cap down Miss Wozenham’s basement and they wouldn’t hand it back up to him. Being worked into a state about it, I put on my best bonnet, gloves and parasol and with the child in my hand we ventured to the other side of the street and went lower down.
FX knocking at front door
Miss Wozenham
(Highly sarcastic) Oh, Mrs Lirriper!
Mrs Lirriper
(Angry) Miss Wozenham, I little thought ever to have entered your house, but unless my grandson’s cap is instantly restored, the laws of this country regulating the property of its subjects shall at length decide betwixt yourself and me, cost what it may.
FX ringing of a house bell
Miss Wozenham
(Laconically rude, calling up the stairs) Jane, is there a street-child's old cap down in our basement?
Mrs Lirriper
Miss Wozenham, before your housemaid answers that question, you must allow me to inform you to your face that my grandson is not a street-child and he is notin the habit of wearing old caps. In fact, Miss Wozenham, I am far from sure that my grandson’s cap may not be newer than your own.
Miss Wozenham
(Angry, up the stairs again) Jane you heard my question, is there any child’s cap down in our basement?
Jane
(Rudely matter of fact, calling down the stairs) Yes, ma’am. I think I did see some such rubbish a-lying there.
Miss Wozenham
Then let these visitors out and throw up that worthless article out of my premises.
Master Jemmy
Oo impdent to mi gran, Wizzenham!
Miss Wozenham
Oh! (Cackle) This not a street-child, is it not? Really!
FX Mrs Lirriper bursts out laughing
Mrs Lirriper
Miss Wozenham, if this boy ain’t a pretty sight to you then I don’t envy your feelings and I wish you good-day. Jemmy, come along with Gran.
FX cap being thrown up from the basement (woo-woo-woo-whoop!) and landing
Master Jemmy
Gran! Iss mi cap!
FX more laughter from Mrs Lirriper and Master Jemmy
FX horse and carriage noises from Mrs Lirriper, the Major and Jemmy
Mrs Lirriper
Oh, the miles and miles that me and the Major have travelled with Jemmy in the dusk between the lights are not to be calculated; Jemmy riding on the coach box – which is the Major’s brass-bound writing desk on the table – with me inside the carriage in the easy chair, and the Major on guard up behind, with a brown-paper horn blowing it really wonderful. I half-believed we were on the Old North Road that my (bit emotional) poor Lirriper knew so well.
But what my inexpressible feelings were when we lost that child can only be compared to the Major’s which were not a shade better, through his straying out at five years old, eleven o’clock in the forenoon, and never heard of by word, sign or deed all day. The more the time went on, the more I got distracted, with the Major gone to the Editor of the Times newspaper to put in an advertisement to help find him. Both of us made worse by the composed way of the police sergeant who came round to comfort me, which he didn’t at all.
Policeman
We mostly find ‘em mum. Don’t give way to uneasiness in your mind, mum. It’ll all come as right as my nose did, after I got it barked by that young woman of yours in your Second Floor.
Mrs Lirriper
(Expression of concern, frustration?) Mmmmm…
Policeman
(Consoling) We mostly find ‘em mum, as people ain’t over anxious to have what I may call second-hand children. You’ll get him back, mum.
Mrs Lirriper
(Emotional) Oh but my dear good Sir, he is such an uncommon child.
Policeman
Yes, mum. We mostly find that too. The question is what his clothes were worth.
Mrs Lirriper
His clothes were not worth much, Sir, for he had only got his playing dress on, but the dear child!
Policeman
All right mum, you’ll get him back. And even if he had his best clothes on it wouldn’t come to worse than his being found wrapped up in a cabbage leaf, a-shivering in the lane.
Mrs Lirriper
His words pierced my heart like daggers and daggers, and me and the Major run in and out like wild things all day long, till the Major returning from his interview with the Editor of the Times rushes into my room.
Major Jackman
(Panting) Joy, joy! Officer in plain clothes came up on the steps as I was letting myself in – compose your feelings madam – Jemmy’s found!
Mrs Lirriper
(Fainting away) Ohhhh!
Major Jackman
Madam!
Mrs Lirriper
When I came to from my little faint, I found myself embracing the legs of the officer in plain clothes with brown whiskers, who seemed to me to be taking a kind of quiet inventory in his mind of the property in my little room.
Policeman
Er, mum?
Mrs Lirriper
Blessings on you Sir where is the Darling?
Policeman
In Kennington Station House.
Mrs Lirriper
Me and the Major and him drove over to Kennington and there we found our boy lying quite comfortable before a blazing fire having sweetly played himself to sleep upon a small accordion – it being by this time gone half-past nine at night.
FX brief interlude – music
Mrs Lirriper
My dear, the education system upon which the Major commenced, and as I may say perfected Jemmy’s learning when he was so small, is a thing that ought to be known to the Throne and Lords and Commons, and then might obtain some promotion for the Major which he well deserves.
Major Jackman
I’m going, madam, to make our child a Calculating Boy.
Mrs Lirriper
Major, you terrify me and may do the pet a permanent injury you would never forgive yourself.
Major Jackman
(Getting angry) Madam, next to my regret that when I had my boot sponge in my hand, I didn’t choke that scoundrel father of his with it on the spot...
Mrs Lirriper
(Interrupting) There! For gracious sake, let his conscience find him without sponges.
Major Jackman
I say next to that regret, madam, would be the regret with which my breast would be surcharged if this fine mind was not early cultivated. But mark me, madam, cultivated on a principle that will make it a delight.
Mrs Lirriper
Major, I will be candid with you and tell you openly that if ever I find the dear child fall off in his appetite, I shall know it is his calculations and shall put a stop to them at two minutes’ notice. Or if I find them mounting to his head, or striking anyways cold to his stomach or leading to anything approaching flabbiness in his legs, the result will be the same.
But Major, you are a clever man and seen much, and you love the child and are his own godfather, and if you feel a confidence in trying, try.
Major Jackman
Spoken, madam, like Emma Lirriper. All I have to ask, madam, is that you leave my godson and myself to make a week or two’s preparation for surprising you, and that you will give me leave to have access to any small articles not actually in use that I may require from the kitchen.
Mrs Lirriper
From the kitchen, Major? (To self) Deary me, is he going to cook the child?
Major Jackman
(Proud) From the kitchen.
Mrs Lirriper
(Bit sceptical) So, I passed my word and the Major and the dear boy were shut up together for half an hour at a time through a certain while.
FX muffled sound as if the other side of a closed door of Major Jackman and Master Jemmy talking, laughing, and Master Jemmy shouting out numbers
Mrs Lirriper
(Listening in, to self) Hmmm, it has not harmed him yet. At last, one day, Jemmy brings me a card in the Major’s neat handwriting.
Major Jackman
The Messrs. Jemmy Jackman – junior and senior – request the honour of Mrs Lirriper’s company at the Jackman Institution in the front parlour this evening at five, military time, to witness a few slight feats of elementary arithmetic.
Mrs Lirriper
And if you’ll believe me, there in the front parlour, at five punctual to the moment, was the Major - behind the Pembroke table with both leaves up and a lot of things from the kitchen tidily set out on old newspapers spread atop of it. And there was the Mite stood up on a chair with his rosy cheeks flushing and his eyes sparkling clusters of diamonds.
Major Jackman
Ahem. Now Mrs Lirriper please be seated.
Mrs Lirriper
(Amused) Very well Sir, I am obedient in this good company, I am sure.
Major Jackman
Now Jemmy...(Quick-fire) Three saucepans, an Italian iron, a hand bell, a toasting fork, a nutmeg grater, four pot lids, a spice box, two egg cups and a chopping board – how many?
Master Jemmy
Tifteen! tut down tive and carry ler toppin board!
FX Master Jemmy claps his hands and laughs
Major Jackman
(Whispering) Here’s a mind ma’am! (Public) We now come to the next elementary rule which is called....
Master Jemmy
Umtraction!
Major Jackman
Right. (Quick-fire) We have here a toasting fork, a potato in its natural state, two pot lids, one egg cup, a wooden spoon and two skewers – from which it is necessary for commercial purposes to subtract a sprat gridiron, a small pickle jar, two lemons, one pepper pot, a black beetle trap and the knob of a dresser drawer. What remains?
Master Jemmy
Toatin fork!
Major Jackman
In numbers, how many?
Master Jemmy
One!
Major Jackman
(Whispering) Here is a boy, ma’am!
Mrs Lirriper
You’ll excuse me addressing the chair Professor Jackman I think the period of the lecture has now arrived when it becomes necessary that I should take a good hug of this young scholar.
Major Jackman
(Whispering but clearly audible) You need not let him know madam, but he is a BOY!
Mrs Lirriper
In this way Jemmy grew and grew, and went to day school, and continued under the Major too. In summer we were as happy as the days were long, and in winter we were as happy as the days were short, and there seemed to rest a blessing on the Lodgings for they as good as let themselves, and would have done so if there had been twice the accommodation. But sore and hard against my will, the day came.
FX door opening
Major Jackman
You wish to speak to me madam?
Mrs Lirriper
Major, you know what I am going to break to you. Our boy must go to boarding school.
Major Jackman
(Crestfallen) Madam?
Mrs Lirriper
Yes, Major. Though he is as popular with the Lodgers as you are yourself, and though he is to you and me what only you and me know, still it is in the course of things, and Life is made of partings, and we must part with our Pet.
Major Jackman
(Now audibly cut up) Ma’am.
Mrs Lirriper
(Emotional, clearing throat) But, you have so well prepared him Major – he has had such a Tutor in you – that he will have none of the drudgery to go through. And he is so clever besides that he’ll soon make his way to the front rank.
Major Jackman
(Sniffing, then emotional) He is a boy that has not his like on the face of the earth.
Mrs Lirriper
True as you say, Major, and it is not for us merely for our own sakes to do anything to keep him back from being a credit and an ornament wherever he goes, and perhaps even rising to be a great man – is it Major? He will have all my little savings when my work is done (being all the world to me) and we must try to make him a wise man and a good man, mustn’t we Major?
Major Jackman
(Rising from seat) Madam, Jemmy Jackman is becoming an older file than I was aware of, and you put him to shame. You are thoroughly right, madam. You are simply and undeniably right – and if you’ll excuse me now, I’ll take a walk.
Mrs Lirriper
So, the Major being gone out and Jemmy being at home, I got the child into my little room here and I stood him by my chair and I spoke to him loving and serious.
Master Jemmy
Yes, Gran?
Mrs Lirriper
Darling, you are now in your 10th year and are getting on in life pretty much and will soon be a man, so me and the Major have decided that it will be best for you now to go to boarding school.
Master Jemmy
(Through the emotion) I understand Gran – I know it must be Gran. You shall see Gran that I can be a man and that I can do anything that is grateful and loving to you – and if I don’t grow up to be what you would like to have me – I hope it will be – because I shall die.
Mrs Lirriper
(Emotional) Oh he cried, and I too, and we were much the better for it. From that time forth he was true to his word and ever blithe and ready, and even when me and the Major took him down into Lincolnshire he was far the cheeriest of the party - though for sure and certain he might easily have been that - but he really was, and put life into us only when it come to the last good-bye.
EXTERIOR – school yard
Master Jemmy
(Wistful) You wouldn’t have me not really sorry, would you Gran?
FX footsteps running away and children playing
INTERIOR – Lodging House
Mrs Lirriper
But now that the child was gone out of the Lodgings the Major fell into a regularly moping state. It was taken notice of by all the Lodgers that the Major moped. He hadn’t even the same air of being rather tall that he used to have, and if he varnished his boots with a single gleam of interest it was as much as he did.
One evening he came into my little room to take a cup of tea and a morsel of buttered toast and to read Jemmy’s newest letter which had arrived that afternoon.
Major Jackman
(Deep sigh) Jemmy Jackman, madam, is an older file than I thought him.
Mrs Lirriper
Major you mustn’t get into the moping way. Moping is not the way to grow younger.
Major Jackman
My dear madam, is there any way of growing younger?
Mrs Lirriper
(Doubtful of having an answer) Mmmm. (Diverting the conversation) But thirteen years! Thir-teen years! Many Lodgers have come and gone in the thirteen years that you have lived in the parlours, Major.
Major Jackman
(Warming a bit) Hah! Many madam, many.
Mrs Lirriper
And I should say that you have been familiar with them all?
Major Jackman
(Contemplative) As a rule - with its exceptions like all rules - my dear madam, they have honoured me with their acquaintance and not unfrequently with their confidence.
Mrs Lirriper
Watching the Major as he drooped his white head and stroked his black moustachios and moped again a thought, which I think must have been going about looking for an owner somewhere, dropped into my old noddle - if you will excuse the expression.
FX Major Jackman sighs
Mrs Lirriper
(Casually) The walls of my Lodgings might have something to tell if they could tell it.
Major Jackman
(Small spark of interest) Hmm.
Mrs Lirriper
(As if talking to herself) Our dear boy was always fond of story books. I am sure this house – his own home – might write a story or two for his reading one day or another.
Major Jackman
(Growing interest) Hmmm. (Beat) It is unquestionable that, in intervals of cribbage and a friendly rubber, my dear madam, and also over a social glass or two in what used to be called my younger times – in the salad days of Jemmy Jackman – I have exchanged many a reminiscence with your Lodgers.
Mrs Lirriper
(Knowingly leading the witness) Oh, I wish our dear boy had heard them!
Major Jackman
(Starting) Are you serious madam?
Mrs Lirriper
Why not Major?
Major Jackman
(Triumphant) Madam, they shall be written for him!
Mrs Lirriper
Ah! Now you speak, now you are in a way out of moping Major!
Major Jackman
(Enthusiasm) Between this and my holidays – I mean the dear boy’s – a good deal may be done towards it.
Mrs Lirriper
Major, you are a clever man and you have seen much and not a doubt of it.
Major Jackman
I’ll begin tomorrow.
FX exit music starts in background, building
Mrs Lirriper
My dear, the Major was another man in three days and he was himself again in a week, and he wrote and wrote and wrote, with his pen scratching away like rats behind the wood panelling. And, whether he had many grounds to go upon or whether he did at all romance things, I cannot tell you, but what he has written is in the left-hand glass closet of the little book case close behind you. Now let’s have another cup of tea shall we?
FX exit music continues and fades underneath the credits
Credits
In “Mrs Lirriper’s Lodgings” by Charles Dickens, Mrs Lirriper was played by S-J Vant and Major Jemmy Jackman by Mike Ayris.
Miss Wozenham was inhabited by Jane Pulford and Little Jemmy by Frankie Hart. Emma Willatts possessed the part of Mrs Edson with the Policeman officiated by Mark Smith and Mr Lirriper by Jim Newberry. All other parts were played by members of this cast.
“Mrs Lirriper’s Lodgings” was adapted for audio by Jim Newberry, with sound engineering and effects created by Robbie Burgess. It was a joint creation from Oldolly and Uptick Productions.
