Self-Care Over Self-Criticsm with Guidance from Amber Rose West

Mike: 0:00

Oh, I think we're gonna do banter first. Just look at me like okay, go.

Zuri: 0:04

Okay, ready, Ready go. And the one and the one's in a Tuzi. That might be a whole entire season. Welcome to season five and a onesie Tuzi. Welcome to the Empowerment Couple podcast, where your path to self mastery expands.

Mike: 0:23

My co-host is Empowerment Coach Zuri Starr.

Zuri: 0:26

And he's expansion coach Mikey Starr.

Mike: 0:28

Together, we are the Empowerment Couple.

Zuri: 0:31

Our mission is simple to serve you love, so you can make informed decisions to regain and maintain your personal power.

Mike: 0:37

We'll take you on a journey to a life filled with purpose, passion and limitless possibilities, while sharing stories of transformation, wellness hacks and healthy habits backed by science and ancient wisdom.

Zuri: 0:49

Plus, we'll keep you entertained with engaging games, banter and funny innuendos along the way.

Mike: 0:55

Each episode is an exciting blend of education, entertainment and empowerment.

Zuri: 1:00

Designed to help you create a mindset to be a magnet for more love, happiness and abundance.

Mike: 1:06

Together with our special guests. We are dedicated to sharing information that empowers you to co-create your most beautiful life.

Zuri: 1:14

So if you're ready to embrace the power within, hit that subscribe button and let's embark on this empowering journey together.

Mike: 1:23

Well, all I know is that one of the biggest challenges that we face on the road to success and happiness is managing what Our mindset. And beliefs, exactly mindsets Speaking the same language you're having Like mmm. And I feel like the bulk sum of the Empowerment Couple podcasts are focused on managing our mindset through movement, diet habits and healthy practices. Right, yeah. And while the value of positive habits are undeniable, for some reason some of us still tend to fall back into negative habits.

Zuri: 1:58

We sometimes don't practice what we preach either. Right A little smuggy butt and we cross over into destructive thought patterns that we know don't serve us. But why is that? Are we somehow tethered to this old version of ourselves and despite how much we try, we just can't outrun our own faults? To properly answer these questions, we realized that we needed to go deeper and dive into how to better converse with the spokesperson of our pain, our own inner critic.

Mike: 2:34

Oh, not that character. Well, we connected with Amber Rose West, who shared with us her journey in managing her own inner critic and how she was able to transmute her pain into passion. And during this interview we discussed, you know, the seven archetypes that we all have and how and why they serve us or sabotages.

Zuri: 2:57

Right. The fact of the matter is that we all have an inner critic. A large part of our personal and professional evolution is to learn how to recognize these seven archetypes without identifying with them.

Mike: 3:12

Critical.

Zuri: 3:13

So, so, so important. I mean let me just say it again like to recognize them without becoming them Exactly Right. The trick is to know which one is speaking the loudest and to know the role they play in our development. If we spend too long listening to the wrong voice, we can find ourselves sprinting in the wrong-ass direction.

Mike: 3:38

I've been there. Mm-hmm and in order to become the best version of ourselves, we must know and understand the worst version of ourselves, right? So we got to see our dichotomy, and when we begin to master our emotions, our confidence grows we are more creative, we're more patient, we're more understanding and we are better able to give and receive love, which is the ultimate goal.

Zuri: 4:02

Yeah, right, exactly. Well, let's introduce our amazing guest, amber Rose West. She is the creator and host of the Women of Color of Confidence podcast and she works as a confidence coach for women entrepreneurs. Amber Rose works with teachers, coaches and creatives, helping them reprogram their self-talk to minimize inner critics', perfectionism and comparison so they can cultivate a stronger, more confident speaking voice. So bring it on, amber. We need you.

Mike: 4:34

So let's get them flexed and just do this.

Zuri: 4:38

Yay, welcome to the Empowerment Couple podcast. We have Amber Rose here with us today, who we just told you all about.

Mike: 4:45

Hello Amber, how are you?

Amber Rose West: 4:46

Hello, thank you for having me. I'm great, I'm excited to be here.

Zuri: 4:50

We are so excited that you're here. When we came across you, we were like oh my gosh, she has to be on the show. This is the exact type of voice that we want to amplify, and it's so needed and so missing in our society and our culture. Most of our listeners are from the US, but we do have worldwide listeners. And, yeah, just from my heart to yours, I'm so thrilled you're here.

Amber Rose West: 5:17

Oh well, thank you, I really appreciate that, and I you know not to toot my own horn, but I definitely agree, like a lot of the things that we talk about around self-love and self-respect. They're so needed in so many different parts of the world with so many different people, and so it's one of the reasons that I went into this field and why I'm so passionate about continuing this work, so thank you for that.

Zuri: 5:37

Yeah, and we are really we magnetized to passionate people. We're very passionate and so I feel like when these things happen, it's just like the stars are lighting. It's very synchronicity, synchronicity. Yeah, so I want to start with the first question, dive right in.

Mike: 5:55

I do, okay, so very first questions. Nice and easy. What is the number one reason why we give so much power to our inner critic?

Amber Rose West: 6:06

That's a really good question, and I love talking about inner critics, so if I get a little nerdy here, just excuse me, because I think it's a topic that there's so much more to explore in it and itself. But one of the reasons I think the inner critics have so much power it's because they're developed when we're children, when we're young, and so they're with us for a very long time and over the amount of time from the point that they start developing to where we actually recognize that they're impacting our lives in a way that we don't want them to be impacting our lives. They've been with us for so long that they begin to sound like us, right. They begin to like blend into our own voices, and so then it becomes really difficult to separate what is my voice and what is my truth and what is my honesty here. And what is this inner critic that, in one sense, is trying to keep me safe, but also is doing it in a really, really crappy way, right? And then the second part of this is that there are seven different inner critic archetypes, and so when we start to see like, okay, I have this inner critic that's inside of my head that is stopping me from doing the things that I want to be doing or feeling good about myself, following my dreams, there are seven different archetypes that can become folded into that one voice. So, while we're thinking it's only one inner critic, it's actually these could be up to seven of these different voices that are all kind of molded into one, which is why I feel so loud. Sometimes, right, it's coming at us from all these different directions. We have the perfectionist, we have the controller, we have this conformer, we have this destroyer, and all of a sudden they're all together and so they're just booming and they're super loud and it's like how do you talk louder than seven different voices that are pounding inside of your head?

Zuri: 7:57

Yeah, that is so good. So you want to name the seven for our empowered policies, the name of our tribe that listens to us? Oh my gosh, I love that. Yeah, do you want to list those out for us?

Amber Rose West: 8:09

Yeah. So we have the perfectionist, which I think a lot of us tend to know just from yeah, me too, I have the perfectionist. We have the inner controller, which tends to be for those who have, when they have really strong vices, you know, like shopping or eating or drinking. Inner controller is that inner critic that comes and makes you feel bad for those things but then also tells you to keep doing those things because of the things that, yeah, this, like this vicious cycle. We have the under miner. It's the inner critic that likes to tell you that you don't know anything like you don't. You don't have any self confidence and you really shouldn't, because you know why would you kind of thing? Who do you think you are kind of it? We have the task master. Those of us who are ambitious and determined, the task master seems to be a very common inner critic, because it always makes you feel like you have to be doing something in order to reach the goal that you want to be reaching, but then when you go to rest which is also a part of what you need to do to get to where you want to be it's like, hey, you should be writing. Hey, you should be networking hey, you should be posting content. So it likes to criticize the work that you do and then criticize you for not doing that work. Also, we have the guilt tripper what tends to be the inner critic that comes along if you had very dominating parents or adults in your childhood that made you feel like you know you have to do things a certain way and if you don't do them that way, then you're not going to be successful or you could be in danger, right? So when you start going outside of things that you've been taught or exploring, it likes to pull you back in under the gaze of guilt. Then we have the conformer, which tends to come from people that were put inside of a box when they were younger and every time they tried to get out of that box, it was like you're gonna die. This is the worst thing you could ever possibly do. We don't ever do that again. So every time you try to do something new, you try to evolve, try again, try to explore. It doesn't use guilt, but it uses these values that you've built up for yourself, based on the values that you were given to children. And then we have the destroyer, which tends to be I think of it as like the nemesis of all self confidence, but it definitely. It comes in and basically destroys who you are on a fundamental level. One of the best examples that I have of the destroyers. I used to work with a woman who ran a nonprofit and she was helping women get out of situations where they were being abused or mistreated. She had a fund going, she had all this community support. She was known up and down the state and one day she came into our group and she told us that she felt like a garbage person. I was like why was that? She's like I don't know. I just wake up some days and I'm like you're garbage, you're nothing. And I was like that is the destroyer. That's not you, because you know all of us don't think that about you. But your destroyer, inner critic, is coming in to like pull you down by the essence of your being, to say you're, you're nothing, and why are you even here? And you think you're doing a good job, but no. So those are the seven inner critic archetypes and you can imagine if you have one or two, you're like I can pinpoint that, but imagine if you had all seven and then they're coming at you as this like booming inner critic voice. You think it's one. And now you're like, okay, I'm going to try to work on this voice, but you don't know where to start. You don't know which archetypes you have or how to address each one, so it feels so overwhelming because you can't figure out where to start. And then you're like, forget it, it's just too powerful, I can't do it Right. Once you start to learn the characteristics of each one, then you can face each one, and you may not even have all of them, but, like the ones you do have, you can address them directly and start breaking them down.

Mike: 11:45

Now I like what you said in regards to that. A lot of these voices are learned responses. You pick them up as you're cutting your way through childhood and by the time you get to adulthood, you've identified with that voice. And the problem is is that once you've identified it, you with that voice, you don't know that you cannot identify it. You think it's just you, it's your face in the mirror it's your voice in your head, and then I wanted to just to state that while you were talking about that seventh, archetype my destroyer comes in so often I had to give it a name.

Amber Rose West: 12:29

Yeah, what's your destroyer's name?

Mike: 12:32

Oscar, oscar, yeah, he's nuts. So when you said that seventh, I'm like, oh, there's your face, I was like you know that one.

Zuri: 12:45

Hold it together so you could stay, like with your list, and I was like I can relate so many of those things, and certainly I was kind of like cutting eyes at Mike, because I was like, um, yeah, you know my family, I know your family and you know there's so much that all of us have this. All of us are are struggling, you know, or really suffering if we haven't figured out how to overcome. So when we have discussions like this, I'm so excited to bring awareness to these things that are happening inside of us. Everyone not me, not just you, not just Mike, like everyone is is dealing with this. Yeah, and so it's nice to know you're not alone, and it's also nice to know what you can do about it, and this is definitely a solutions podcast. So we're always looking for, like, how can we give as much empowerment away to our audience so that they can live a beautiful life? Yeah, what did you have? Another question I don't want to step on your toes.

Mike: 13:50

I don't have another question as of yet, aside from the obvious one is how did you stumble into this information? I mean this the inner critics the inner critics. And how did you, how did you decide to, to, to make it a passion of yours to, to dismantle these and master them so that they're they're tools that you can use versus you know the person who's holding the the chain?

Amber Rose West: 14:17

Yeah, that's a great question. I started out in a place where I was. I learned about imposter syndrome really early on because I started one of my first businesses when I was still in college and I had the experience of watching my first week. You know, you do all the planning of the business and then you start the business. In that first couple of weeks it's very slow starting and I don't think that I set myself up for understanding that, and I had a partner at the time so I was freaking out. He's cool as a cucumber and I'm like, how are you not freaking out? And he's like why are you freaking out so much? And so, of course, I went to the internet and my degree is in health communication and so I did a lot of science studies in college, did a lot of research studies, analysis of research, and that's where I was like, in that, as I was starting my first business, I was like there's got to be something on the internet or some research somewhere that will tell me why I'm freaking out so much. And that's where I stumbled upon imposter syndrome. Right, even though you have all these accomplishments, you're looking at something that you're doing and you're like I'm crazy, why did I do this? Why did I think that I could do this? This is not. I could never be successful at this, right. As I started learning more about imposter syndrome and the research that started back in the 70s I was looking through, there hasn't been a lot more research done on imposter syndrome, which is really unfortunate, and maybe I'll do it someday. But as I was looking through what had already been done there, it's such a minimal scope of research with a very small population size that women like me were not included in back in the 70s, right. So then it was like there has to be more included in this and as I started digging more and more and more the inner, the word inner critic kept coming up a lot, a lot, a lot. So it was like, maybe instead of looking at this you know, imposter phenomenon, imposter syndrome I should be looking at inner critics and what that has to do with feeling like an imposter, because a critic and imposter they kind of sound like they go together and that's where the diving super deep into inner critic started and the development of imposter syndrome and your inner critic starts around the same time in that early development when you're really trying to figure out who you are, how to express yourself, what's constantly being told to you and at you? This is how you behave, this is what you say, this is what you don't say, this is what you wear, this is what you don't wear. These are the people you talk to, these are people you don't talk to, right? You're constantly being told what to do and who to be, and from that, which I found to be, I think the like the word that, like always comes to mind is like it felt a little disheartening because it almost felt like it was uncontrollable. But I was like, okay, that your inner critic comes from all that information and there is, like you said, to identify with it so hard. Like, how do you unidentify with it when you don't have those people all the time constantly telling you where to go, not go, who to be, not be? You know, like I don't no longer have that external voice, so the only voice left is the one that was created from previously, when people were giving me all that information, right? And then I tried to think of it in terms of a relationship, right, which is what kind of relationship do I want to have with the voice inside of my head and how is it that I can make it go from being a critic to being someone that I'm like BFFs with, because, at the end of the day, that critic isn't going to help me get to where I want to be, but that BFF will, and I know that right. And so, without this, these voices from my parents and my coaches and my teachers I had to be that voice and I got that external voice from the research and the books and just continuing to look at different studies that have been done specifically with inner critics and even breaking down each inner critic. So I looked at research studies that had to do with perfectionism and ambitious women. I looked at research that had to do with people who left their conformed communities, research that looked at how is it that you go from being go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go people please are all the time To finding balance and rest and self care, right? So those individual inner critics each have their own research to do inside of them and I don't know if you can tell, but that's where the rabbit holes started, like if you pick one.

Zuri: 18:30

It started with imposter syndrome, right and just real quick. Could you give us a definition of what that means to you and your field? Oh, there's a lot of people online that use it. I feel in a way that doesn't really mean sense. You know it doesn't make sense it's not exactly how it was intended to be used, and I hear it thrown around so much that I think it would be great to hear.

Mike: 18:58

That's almost weaponized yeah.

Amber Rose West: 18:59

Exactly. That's good. So originally in the 1970s, with researchers Keynes and I they did studies but they called it imposter phenomenon and it wasn't called imposter syndrome. It was called a phenomenon, just something that you experience, versus something that makes you sick. So I really like to start there when I'm explaining what imposter syndrome is, because I don't believe that it makes any of us ill or any of us sick. I believe it's an experience, a feeling that we have experience in a particular environment or around people or in situations. When you look at it from that perspective, it's different than again taking ownership of I'm an imposter and instead saying I'm having this feeling of like non belonging Right, this idea that I don't belong in this particular situation. And these are all of the reasons why I believe that when we look at this non belonging, it also leads back to Our human nature of wanting to be accepted, wanting to have belonging, and I believe the phenomenon is all those things we tell ourselves that separates us from that belonging or that self acceptance. So when people come to me or they read my things, I do use the word imposter syndrome because I feel like people understand it. And then when they get inside a room with me. I'm like, haha, I'm going to tell you the truth. Yeah, you both went with the buzzword and then they're like actually did you, but actually let me tell you what it really is, and I think you know, I feel, I feel really deeply in my heart for people who experience imposter syndrome, especially because it's become such a buzzword that now people are saying you don't have that, that's not real, and I'm like but people do have it and people do experience it. So, instead of telling someone that's not real, ignore that. How about saying I understand what you're feeling, but let's look at all of the things inside of this that separate you from acceptance and belonging, because that's truly what's happening here. Not that you're a fake or someone's going to find you out, or you didn't work hard enough to get to where you are. Ok, those are all things inside of it, but the root of all of it is this this I'm separated from longing belonging and I'm separated from acceptance.

Zuri: 21:06

Yeah, wow.

Mike: 21:08

There's so much heat coming out of your words. I mean, I appreciate the fact that you were able to take pain and transmute it into medicine. You know, transmute it into something that can be handed out for people who are going through the same pains that you were going through with, you know, and have it be a source of medicine, a guide point sort of speak. So you know, you kind of you're the epitome of what our empowered posse is. You know it's people who are up against their own personal challenges and all they're wanting to do is transmute that and become a bigger version of themselves, as you did. So I'm going to move on to the next question.

Amber Rose West: 21:52

I appreciate that. Thank you.

Zuri: 21:54

Yeah, I want to just echo that that it's exactly why I was immediately drawn to Amber, because I was like, oh gosh, like we just had this experience, and then I'll get into a question. But we just had this experience with our teen daughter who had this play, and then there was a feedback from the audience and all of the plays that were self written were about basically not knowing how to manage your mindset. You know, teens are struggling with, with mental health, and I was like gosh, if I could just get up there and tell them like hey, like you're not alone, even adults, this is how we are programmed, this is how we are wired. This is part of being a human, and having the human experience is that you're going to have to know how to master your mindset. And obviously there wasn't an opportunity to go to each person in the audience and each actor and you know, give them my empowered speech, yeah, but but I think, to echo what you said, it's just like I want to make sure that we amplify voices like Amber so that we are always coming forward with not just like theory, but like their science, their studies there's and and are you living in empowered life now that you have all of this knowledge?

Amber Rose West: 23:13

Yeah, I really am, and when I first started on the research route it was kind of unsexy. You know, when you're like, hey, let me look at this research study and comb through all these words and data sets and all that stuff and I know that that's not something that everyone is educated enough to do and I totally understand that. It's also really boring sometimes and you're like weeding through research part. That was part of my journey. Right, that was a part that, the part of the journey that made sense to me and made me feel good about what I was reading, that I wasn't just looking at things on Wikipedia and Google and like trusting what random people on the internet were saying. Right, and I think that that's a big part of our next generation's empowerment journey as well. And I've had so many people who have asked me like, do you have a like a teenager program? You know, because I I work with mostly adult women who are like in in an industry and I said I would really love to have one. I would. But I also know that there's a huge component of social media research that needs to go into that program to adequately address the differences between my generation and maybe all generation and the growing up now glued to social media. I didn't have social media till I was in college, where my formation of what was happening in my brain and my thoughts and who I was developing into was already kind of not set is nothing set, but it was like I had already done all of that without the pressure of a global like. I had my bullies in school and I had the people in my classes that I looked up to and you know the. I mean, I was a jock also. I played a ton of sports. So we know, I was a captain most of my teams, but also like other teams and I was looking at like, oh my gosh, I don't want to be like them, you know. But now this next generation has this, the pressure of social media that is so much bigger than what I had, and so, as much as I would love to do that, I know that there's a responsibility there to include a lot of that stuff which I still research a lot of today and hopefully one day I'll have that teenagers program. But you're right, you know that. You know 85% of the world deals with feelings of not feeling adequate or worthless or having no self respect or little self respect, and that 15% are the people that were like I don't want to live like that anymore. Right, I tell my people time I want you to be a part of the 15%, because it's it means that it's possible, it means that you're not alone, but it also means that it's possible, right.

Zuri: 25:39

I had one more question for you. What do you think would be the top three ways that anyone can retrain their mind to operate from a place of self, love, self?

Amber Rose West: 25:52

love. So one of the things that I learned early on, this would be number one, the thing that I learned early on that took me years to understand, because I came from a very like spiritual and yoga community that was like everything in positive, everything in positive, and so I kept trying to Okay, more self love, more self love. Okay, more self love. And it wasn't until years later that I realized that that self love wasn't sticking because I hadn't stopped hating on myself all the time. I was constantly hating on myself and so I had to say, like, stop hating on yourself all the time, from these little micro aggressions to these big, larger, like banging my head against the wall, kind of like this self hate that I had. And all my friends were like you shouldn't say stop and you shouldn't say hate. And I was like, well, telling me to put more self love into it isn't the same as stopping the hate? Right, and like, if you imagine, like two doors to one room and one of them is wide open and one of them just like a little bit open and there's water rushing into the room, right, and I was like, okay, well, like I can't, like I need to stop the rush coming from this door to shut the door so that, like this, one can open and rush more water into it, right? And so the concept of learning how to stop hating on myself all the time was a real journey, and I really had to focus on how much it was I was doing it in order to stop it from the little things. Like you know, I would make a meal for my friends and they'd be like this is really like, oh no, it's just some like stuff I had in the room, whatever it is, and they were like okay, you know, it's like, why am I like not accepting this compliment right now? It's so silly that I would put myself down and the process of saying they're enjoying something that I made for them right to like the larger, bigger things. Like you know you make a mistake, or you spend money on something that you know didn't go well, or you know investing in something and you know you get into a car accident. You're like I'm an idiot, I'm so dumb, and you're like banging your head against the wall and they're like why? Why can't it just be something that happened or a mistake that you made, right? So, first and foremost, I think that being able to love yourself more comes like after you're able to shut the door on on the hate, all the self hate, all the time. Secondly, I believe this self love, it's so complicated, it's so involved, right, when we talk about self love, love is one of those emotions that I believe we obviously, we all think about it in different capacities. But you know, going back to this concept of us understanding things, from our childhood development, we all got love in a different way from different people. And if you know, like me, I had a very absent father who just showed up, you know, once every couple of years to say that he saw us. You know, to tell other people oh yeah, I saw them, you know, I saw them, but there was never really a love or connection dynamic there. And I remember when I became a teenager, I asked my mom why, like, why would you have kids if you're not going to be around them? And she just said he loved you the best that he could, right. And so from that moment I just thought that, like love, you know, the best that you can doesn't necessarily mean the best that I deserve, right. And you learn those things from their people. So you have all these different people in your past that love you in different ways, and then you translate that into what love is or isn't in your life, and then you turn around as an adult and you start putting love out in that way. And if you don't learn how to do it and any differently, and then that's just like the message of love that you have that translates through you out into the world, right. And so it gets really confusing when you realize that how you were loved is not the way that other people were loved, or that you can learn how to love a different way, right. So it's so complicated and so, like before, you focus on self love. If you focus on self acceptance, that will allow you to I don't want to say automatically, because nothing is automatic in the world, but it's like if you focus, focus, focus on self love, self love, self love, and it's very complicated for you. It can kind of boulder up a hill, but when you start focusing on self acceptance, then it feels like you're kicking a pebble up that hill of self love, because they tend to feed off of each other and the idea of self love becomes like more intertwined with self acceptance, and so you have this symbiotic relationship between the two that allow self love to be easier because you've mastered this feeling of self acceptance. And then, third is really I mean, self love really comes from, you know, overpowering your insecurities, right, understanding what it is that keeps you separated from self love, and the same with self confidence, right, I feel like self love, self confidence, self respect, self worth they all kind of go together. So if you're trying to build up all of those things, but you have these insecurities that are in the way, if you do not, do not understand what they are, how they're impacting you and how to manage them, like self love can't exist in that environment. Right, self love and self respect and self confidence can't exist in the same environment where your insecurities are running rampant. So, really understanding what yours are, because they're, just like self confidence, very personalized to who you are as a person what makes me feel self confident may not make you feel self confident, and so we have to understand, okay, well, what are my insecurities that I need to understand, that I need to overpower, that, I need to learn how to manage so that they are a minimal part of my experience and minimal part of my mental, emotional space, and that leaves more space for self confidence and self love and self validation to start like blooming and thriving in your head, in your heart.

Mike: 31:51

Hey man sister, yes, yes, I love that, I love that, I love that.

Zuri: 31:55

Yeah, yeah, I feel. One reflection I just want to share back with you is that I feel like a lot of times on our show we share how important it is to get to know yourself, because what we say and we try to say it in multiple different ways, but what we say about self love might be different, what we say about your self care might be different. I mean, you can't speak to everyone. We're all so unique and so you know, and only available to certain ideas. You know, because that's where we're at at the time and I feel like with self awareness, then you can approach all of these things, especially even like inner critic. I'm sure there's people listening, of course, empowered posse, let us know if you agree, but I'm sure there's people listening. That's like, oh, I only have three of those things that she was talking about inside of me because they haven't done the work to figure out. Like you know, let me be honest with myself. Let me explore what happened in my childhood. Let me explore what happened in my family or what's generationally been happening. You know, like that's a huge thing. Mike and I are both cycle breakers and so we, you know, have broken down a lot of generational bullshit and I mean in so many ways. But we've done shows about it. But the point is that if people everything that you said means like you got to that place because you did the work, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Amber Rose West: 33:36

And I really appreciate you pointing out that the you know individual list excited of self care as well, and I do believe that part of the reason people stop doing the work whether it's self-care, self-love, self-acceptance, self-building, your self-confidence is because it does require that tapping in to what. Let's talk about self-care specifically real quick, because I think it is very important. But I tell all my clients what do you do for self-care? And they tell me and I say, where did you find those things? And they said the internet. When I googled it and I said, okay, and those are okay things to explore. But what if, instead of going to Google first, you said, hey, amber Rose, what are some things that you could do that make you feel cared for? And those things come from? Well, what are some things I like to do? What are some things that literally put a smile on my face? What are some things that give me worm fuzzies? I know people talk about mani-pedis as this like ultimate self-care type of thing and I'm like I hate when people touch my fingernails, get off of my hands, get away from me. I will trim and cut. I love to be groomed, but I love to groom myself. Right. I don't want someone else doing it, right?

Zuri: 34:46

So then, I was like I love when I'm groomed, but I do not enjoy the process of a salon or mani-pedi. No, I'm like a tomboy through and through, like I feel like it's such a waste of time, but I like to look cute, so yeah. So it's kind of like I do the work.

Amber Rose West: 35:01

Yeah, I like it too, but I'm like the most that I'll do is like a massage. I'm like, yes, get my back, because I can't do that. Like I don't I do. I want to cut and color my own hair, I want to do my own nails, like that kind of thing, right? So when you start thinking about the and one of the ways that I found this out is because people were doing self-care and then coming to me being like I don't feel any different and I'm like, okay, that's because you're doing self-care that doesn't care for you. So what are those things? Yeah, and so, in realizing that, we have to ask ourselves these things. But here's the rub is that people don't like to sit with themselves. They don't know how to ask themselves those questions, they don't know how to develop self-awareness through self-discovery, right. So they think I'm a crazy person sitting in my house talking to myself, asking myself these questions, and I'm like, actually, you're just a person that, if you think about the difference between, again, childhood and adulthood, as a child you always had people telling you things this is what you're gonna wear, this is where you're gonna go, this is who you're gonna meet up with, this is what you're eating for dinner and when you're an adult, that's all you, right, that is all you. But sometimes people have a hard time allowing themselves to have that conversation with themselves so that they can get to the answer that previously they were told and now they need to figure out for themselves. And we do it with things all the time. We do it what do you want for dinner? Right. And then you can get yourself that and you go I want pizza, great, right. So now we get to do that with things that actually help us with our personal development. What are some things that I like to do that make me happy? I love crocheting Cool. Then you're gonna get some yarn and you're gonna make time for it every day, even if it's five minutes. And then boom, self-care. It feels so good when I have a blanket done. I'm like, yee, look at my blanket, like, oh my God.

Zuri: 36:41

That's awesome.

Mike: 36:43

Yeah, mine is read, write, exercise, meditate. One of them's, for I'm.

Zuri: 36:47

Golden yeah, yeah, and I think that people are honestly a little afraid of getting to know themselves.

Amber Rose West: 36:57

Let's go ahead and say a lot of afraid, a lot of afraid and I think what I would really like to see.

Zuri: 37:04

My vision is that we normalize conversations like this and that we normalize like hey, yeah, it's gonna be scary as fuck. Like just, it's gonna be scary if you find some things there that you don't like and guess what you get to create who you wanna be Like and normalize conversations with young people with. You know all walks of people. We need to have these types of conversations, so thank you for being a part of this with us.

Amber Rose West: 37:34

Thank you for having me. It's literally one of my favorite things in the world is getting people to a place where they feel like they can live authentically and that they can do it with confidence, and that whatever dreams they have in their heart doesn't matter how big or scary they look. Just by taking little action every day towards building their self-confidence and then like going for it is really what this life is all about. We're here to have our birthrights fulfilled and that birthright is a little tingling in your heart and that little voice inside your head that's going do it, do it. Yeah, it's okay to have these other voices and these other feelings, but they don't need to stop you.

Zuri: 38:11

And how exciting is it when you get to be in union with someone like this, where you can see like, oh, they're lit up, like they're from their life, and you're like, yes, you know, it's wonderful to be the person that's experiencing it, but it's also like you get to then reflect that, you get to then be a mirror, you know, and be like, yeah, I'm living my most beautiful life and that was one of the reasons why we wanted to do the show. And it's like like there's not good programming, right. We started doing it. So it was like everybody's got this fear programming, like wait a minute, like can we all talk to? Each other yeah, get empowered by what we actually have, instead of looking at what we don't have. Yeah, so yeah, I just thank you so much for being a part of this with us, and is there anything else you wanna or don't?

Mike: 39:07

wanna, you know. I mean I have a plethora of questions, but I feel like you when you develop-.

Amber Rose West: 39:12

Maybe I can come back and you can ask me again.

Mike: 39:15

If you develop that team program, we're gonna have you pull you back up and have all of our listeners be like we have teams, you can help out.

Amber Rose West: 39:23

I really appreciated being here with the two of you. I felt the same way when I first, you know, when I started my podcast. It's been three years in the making now and this was the first year that I decided to guest on other people's podcasts, because I love the guests that I bring onto my show and they light me up and they inspire me so much. And one of my friends was, like why aren't you on other people's podcasts? I'm like I don't know If they wanna know what I have to say. They can listen to my show and they're like that's not the point. The point is that you get to connect and collaborate with people who are sharing, just like you said, a message of like empowerment and love and self-confidence, where you're one voice. But there are so many different voices and we need to start kind of like pushing out those voices of like judgment and criticism which we find all over the internet nowadays, and really start amplifying, like loudly, these voices of empowerment and love. And as I started reading through the titles of your podcast, I was like this is it, this is the one. So thank you. I'm glad that we had the mutual feeling with one another.

Zuri: 40:27

Yeah, it's so beautiful. Can you tell our empowered posse how they can find you and any offers or anything that you want to share would be a good time to do that, Sure.

Amber Rose West: 40:39

I am on Facebook, instagram, tiktok, as at vibrant Amber Rose. My podcast is called Women of Color and Confidence. I do a little bit of talking about self-confidence Again, the inner critics. We talk a lot about self love, self respect, self acceptance, as well as interviewing amazing women of color as they share with us stories of developing their own self-confidence in their career, industries and their lives. And I do have an audio guide. It's a confidence building audio guide up right now that's called Overpower your Insecurities. It's 14 points of confidence building through. The first half of it is really talking about those things that get in the way of our self-confidence, so neutralizing negativity and closing the door and complaining. I talk a bit about judgment, comparison, imposter syndrome, those things that really impact ambitious people. And then, towards the end, we talk about self care, self validation and self respect to round it all out, to begin that confidence journey away from insecurities. So I'll be sure to share the link with that to you.

Zuri: 41:45

Okay, so all of that is gonna be in our show notes and we'll definitely be promoting this and tagging you and lighting you up on social as well. So thank you so much, and I absolutely love vibrant added to your name because Dan is a viral. You are vibrant, okay.

Amber Rose West: 42:04

You know, I got the name. I used to ask people what. I asked my friends like what is it about me that makes you wanna be my friend, or what is it that makes you wanna be around? And they, all of them, did you just have this thing? And they were doing this with their hands and I was like, is it like a shining? They're just like you're so vibrant. And so I finally adopted it. The name of my company is Vibrant Confidence, and everything about me and who I am has that vibrancy to it. So I was like I'm gonna just take ownership of it because it just it really is who I am, and I do my best to infuse it again into topics that can be very vulnerable and painful to step into, but that you can also do it with vibrant energy to develop the self-confidence you want.

Zuri: 42:47

So it's infectious. I love it.

Mike: 42:52

So the game is easy. It's called whose voice is it Right, it's part of recognizing and knowing whose voice is speaking at any time.

Zuri: 42:59

Which you can play along, because you've just heard Amber describe these.

Mike: 43:02

Yes, so we have seven phrases and you must match the phrase with one of the seven archetypes.

Amber Rose West: 43:10

Okay.

Mike: 43:11

Ready. Okay, so this one. Here's the phrase I finished the book that my editor has been waiting for over a month, but I'm still not happy with the end, so I guess I'll rewrite it again.

Zuri: 43:25

Sounds like a perfectionist.

Mike: 43:26

That does sound like perfectionist, and I've been there.

Zuri: 43:29

Yeah, I think we all have. I'm pretty sure it's more than a month that they've been waiting for it.

Mike: 43:33

Yeah.

Zuri: 43:35

Well, that's kind. That's not that bad, wasn't that in 2020?

Mike: 43:43

All right, so here we go, the next archetype. This is their phrase I will need a glass of wine or two to get this task done.

Zuri: 43:52

Yeah, maybe like the controller with vices, inner controller strong vices.

Mike: 44:04

Yeah, so basically the voice that needs to control everything, and in order for it to control, it has to make it really difficult.

Zuri: 44:11

Yeah, okay, next up.

Mike: 44:17

I know I'm not talented enough to be a writer.

Zuri: 44:21

Wait, is this? Do they repeat or do I? Can I not call perfectionists and inner controller again?

Mike: 44:28

You can. You know what A lot of these phrases have the ability to kind of blend in with one another.

Zuri: 44:35

Okay, so these are like examples that could apply to one.

Mike: 44:37

Exactly.

Zuri: 44:38

Okay. Well then I'm gonna say under minor Okay. Self-confidence.

Mike: 44:42

That is what I have in my little notes here. So I think you and I are vibing on the same plane here.

Zuri: 44:48

You know, we always do.

Mike: 44:49

All right, so this next one is gonna be a little bit more difficult. All right, here we go.

Zuri: 44:53

Wait in parapasi. Are you playing along and how are you doing? Let us know, yes.

Mike: 44:59

Next phrase is okay. I've processed all of the bills, folded all the laundry, mowed the lawn and finished organizing the garage. I'm exhausted, but I need to get working on my project so that I don't fall behind.

Zuri: 45:16

I think this is probably task master. Let me say that 10 times task master, Because you always have to be doing something. Like there's no such thing as just rest, Like rest is not valid or appreciated or necessary.

Mike: 45:33

And what do you think? One of the possible outcomes of that lifestyle is Burnout, honey burnout, burnout, burnout is no joke.

Zuri: 45:42

Yeah, I got the t-shirt. I don't recommend it.

Mike: 45:46

Here's an inner voice that I know quite well, and they see if you can guess it by this phrase I should stop painting and get a job, because they put me through college and I'll need to take care of my parents when they get old.

Zuri: 46:00

Maybe like you've had dominating parents, maybe like guilt tripper.

Mike: 46:06

The guilt tripper. Ooh, the guilt tripper. You know when you're in a position where you really, really have dreams, but your dreams have to be put on the back burner because you have to do something for someone else.

Zuri: 46:19

Right.

Mike: 46:20

You're always inclined to do something for someone else before you handle yourself.

Zuri: 46:24

And that inner critic is always running you down. Yeah, okay.

Mike: 46:29

All right. Next phrase I'm interested in becoming a firefighter, but my dad is a teacher, my brother's a teacher, my aunt is a teacher, so I guess I'll be a teacher so that I can be part of the family.

Zuri: 46:41

That one's kind of guilt tripper too. But I'm gonna say like Conformer, ooh Zuri, you're doing pretty good. I was like it's not destroyer. What's next? Conformer.

Mike: 46:56

I think I really did a good job at this game. You know that, or you're smarter than I thought you were, honey. What's the problem with the Conformer we?

Zuri: 47:04

know Zuri has a big old brain. So come on, don't play the games with me. I mean, let's play games forever because I love this, but that banter was unnecessary.

Mike: 47:15

Indeed, but what do you think the possible outcome for is? For the conformer?

Zuri: 47:21

I think they just live someone else's life. They just conform and end up like, oh, I had this dream I put in a box and never get out of it.

Mike: 47:34

I always think conformity is the antinom of passion. So if you are born with all these passions and you have all the stuff that you want to do but you just don't do them because you're afraid not to fit in with your family, then you're going to live a long, passionless life and let me tell you, that's not going to be painful but pleasurable.

Zuri: 47:56

Yeah, and what happens is that you have to push through every day versus being pulled from your passion every day.

Mike: 48:04

That is correct.

Zuri: 48:05

And what happens when you push from the perspective of the universe, it will push back on you. So it's where you create disease, it's where you create unnecessary dramas, resistance, chaos, and it's where you usually develop some type of an addiction just to help you get through the push.

Mike: 48:25

Yeah, it's like pushing a boulder up a hill. Literally it's the beginning of the end. The more you try to conform, the less happy you are, and then you start to deteriorate.

Zuri: 48:37

And you lose yourself. Yeah, you just lose your original spark and joy for life.

Mike: 48:43

And if that resonates, you always have the now to change it. Yep.

Zuri: 48:49

Every moment is an opportunity to turn it all around. That's a vanilla sky. And then a moment to the movies.

Mike: 48:54

All right, so this last one is going to be easy because there's only one archetype left, but I'm going to say it anyways. The phrase is I'm a failure because no one loves me, no one respects me and no one needs or wants me.

Zuri: 49:09

Definitely Oscar the Grouch, which is your destroyer.

Mike: 49:13

Destroyer man that intercredits. Basically he doesn't mess around, he's going for the foundation of you. He's going to kneecap you. He's going to put you. You know.

Zuri: 49:21

He's destroying you Exactly yeah.

Mike: 49:23

Giving you a pair of cement shoes. Let's go for a swim Like no thanks bro.

Zuri: 49:30

Always say no to that, yeah, okay. Well, let's do our question of the week. Good game, mikey, by the way. Thank you. What inner critic is loudest for you? Question of the week Again, what inner critic is loudest for you? Once you identify that, then you can be the one that's slaying and not be slain.

Mike: 49:50

Do you want to answer that question?

Zuri: 49:52

Definitely perfectionist. I always talk about this on our show. I am very self-aware that the perfectionist is loud as fuck.

Mike: 50:01

What's her name or his name?

Zuri: 50:03

You know what? I didn't name her. She used to have a name, but I slayed that version of her. Now she's a lot less crazy, she's a little bit more like. Every once in a while, if I burn out, or as I'm in the burnout process, she gets loud no-transcript. I would say Taskmaster is always like in tow with perfectionists. That's like you gotta do all of these things and you do, do, do, do, do, do. And so I don't have a name for either of them because I'm constantly, you know, becoming a new version of myself. So what about you?

Mike: 50:39

I know you already said Oscars, yeah, the destroyer is mine, but actually the underminer has bested me on a couple of my decisions in the past. Not so much in the future, in the current, but in the past. I've seen a couple of times where I'm like I should have just finished that project. Or I should have said yes to that opportunity. I should have just stood up for myself, and instead I learned a lesson the hard way.

Zuri: 51:09

All right. Well, our review of the week comes from K-Dub Crafty. What's up she says, worth it five stars. This podcast is chock full of everything you could hope for. I am hooked and we are so excited you're here with us. Thank you for being an important, valuable player in our empowered posse. Indeed, we absolutely love you. Thank you for leaving reviews. They actually do help. I know if you're listening to us on Spotify it's not an option, but on Apple podcasts you can leave us a review Super easy. We even leave you a little tutorial of how to do it in our show notes.

Mike: 51:49

Let me tell you, a review is like giving someone spiritual currency. A review is like a gold spiritual coin. Here you go and you're like oh my god, thank you, thank you.

Zuri: 52:02

Yeah, we love them and we're grateful for them. And thank you for taking the time to actually do a review. I know we're all busy, but we appreciate you. Thank you, sending you the highest vibrations.

Mike: 52:14

You are held.

Zuri: 52:15

You are loved. Thanks for being an important member of our empowered posse. Want next level access to the empowerment couple.

Mike: 52:23

Explore our private and group coaching services to get hands-on life changing experiences and sign up for one of our empowering courses designed to fast track your success, using the link in the show notes.

Zuri: 52:35

We intentionally keep this show ad-free so you can have a fully immersive experience with us. Every episode is sponsored by one of our products or trusted affiliates. As long as you keep supporting the show, we can keep showing up every week to serve you love.

Mike: 52:50

If you're inspired to serve love in return, leave us a review and click the Share button to grow our empowered posse.

Zuri: 52:56

We love you, sending you the highest vibrations.

Mike: 53:01

You are held, you taking mine. He, he, he, he, he. You need to, you need to be reprimanded. Oh shit, from scratch and and onesie.

Zuri: 53:19

Ok, seriously, though, jeez. Ok, don't try to make me laugh.

Mike: 53:25

So simple.

Zuri: 53:28

Oh boy Boy, you playing games.

Mike: 53:30

Sign off. Take 132.

Zuri: 53:32

You playing games, my mind is playing games. The inner critic is like girl, pull it together, she's so good at that. They're the bitches.

Mike: 53:40

Sending you the highest vibrations. You are held. You are limited.

Zuri: 53:44

Oh, dang it OK. Peace, muffin out, bye.