5 HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP HABITS MOST PEOPLE THINK ARE TOXIC

[00:00:00] Ever wonder why some couples thrive while others struggle? It's time to challenge conventional wisdom. In this exploration of relationship dynamics, we unveiled the surprising habits actually promote lasting love. So get ready to question everything you thought you knew about healthy connections and discover the keys to unlocking a fulfilling and resilient bond.

Grab a drink. Let's get into it.

Here's the million dollar question. How do men like us reach our full potential growing the men we dream of while taking care of our responsibilities. Working, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves. Well, that's the big question in this podcast. We'll help you answer those questions and more.

My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man podcast.

In the world of relationships, we often come across ideas and expectations that might not really help us [00:01:00] build strong, lasting connections. Love's complicated, let's face it. And sometimes the usual advice doesn't quite fit. This episode is all about questioning what we think we know. From dealing with unresolved issues to recognizing attractions outside of the relationship, we're going to dig into some habits that might surprise you and Might unnerve you just a little bit, but join in and let's figure out what makes relationships healthy and genuine with some unconventional wisdom.

We're on a journey down route with these secrets, lasting love and authentic connections in the real world. By the way, my name is Brent and welcome to the fallible man podcast, your home for all things, man, a big shout out to fallible nation. That's our private community. And there's information below, no matter what platform you're listening to this on or watching.

And a warm welcome to our first time listeners. Hey. We know you got options. So thanks for checking us out. We hope you enjoy the episode and we'd love to get some feedback from you. [00:02:00] Be sure and take time. Leave us a review. Tell us what you think. Check out a couple episodes. Now, guys, I want to preface this episode with a little clarity.

I'm going to step on some relationship toes because I talk about relationships a lot. And we're going to hit some areas that may or may not work perfectly for your relationship. Remember you own your relationship. So some of these things might be really beneficial for you and other things may not work in your relationship.

So please wait into it with a grain of salt because we're going to step on some conventional elements here. First one is Letting some conflicts go unresolved. Now, conventional wisdom tells us all the time, right? Don't let the sun go down on your anger. We apply that to relationships frequently. There's this guy by the name of John Gottman.

He's like the Michael Jordan of relationship [00:03:00] research. Not only has the man been studying intimate relationships for more than 40 years, but he actually practically invented the field. In fact, a lot of people I referred to... Dr. Les and Leslie Parrot and some of the other people I've referred to in relationship episodes actually often reference Gottman's studies.

Gottman created a process called thin slicing of relationships. It's actually a technique where he hooks up couples to a series of biometric devices. Yeah, it's like, like you see in the movies. And then records them having short conversations. Gauman then goes back and analyzes the conversation frame by frame, painstakingly by frame, looking at the biometric data, body language, tonality, specific words chosen.

He then combines all this data together and predicts whether your marriage is going to suck or not. Kind of cool, but it's thin slicing process boasts a staggering 91 percent success rate in predicting whether newlyweds [00:04:00] will divorce within 10 years or not. Staggeringly high result for any psychological research.

Just massive. The guy is amazing. Gottman's seminars actually also report a 50 percent higher success rate of saving troubled marriages than traditional marriage counseling. His research papers have won ridiculous amounts of awards. And he's written nine books on the subject of intimate relationships and marital therapy.

So can we all agree that this guy, we, we might be able to learn something from this guy, right? Now, all that, because I want to weigh this in for you. One of Gottman's most adamant rules in any of his relationship information is couples, the idea that couples must communicate and resolve all their problems.

Now, I'm not saying you should create problems or you should lie, but this idea of you have to resolve and break out everything, [00:05:00] uh, may not be accurate and it may not be the best thing in your marriage. In studying thousands of happily married couples, some married for way over 40 years, it's become clear that most successful ones often had ongoing unresolved issues.

Topics that have been the subject of disagreements for decades, sometimes in marriage. On the flip side, many unsuccessful couples insisted on resolving every single issue, believing that the disagreement should never exist between them. Ironically, this approach actually led to the creation of an emotional void within the relationship.

And more often than the other, led to the downfall of the relationship. People like to fantasize about true love. The truth is, love requires us sometimes to accept things we don't like about the people in our lives. Thriving couples recognize that conflicts are a natural part of any relationship.

Understanding that, [00:06:00] there will be aspects of their partner that they may not always like or agree with. And that's okay. Love shouldn't hinge on a desire to change somebody. It's crucial not to let minor disagreements overshadow otherwise happy and healthy relationships. Occasionally attempting to resolve every conflict can lead to more issues than solutions even.

Some battles aren't worth fighting and adopting a strategy to live and let live can often be the most effective approach in cultivating an optimal relationship. Does that mean you should let every problem go? Good Lord. No, but pick and choose your battles guys. Not every conflict in your relationship, not every issue that comes up has to be resolved in a massive way.

Sometimes it's easier to let go. I know there are parts of me that my wife just kind of throws her hands up and lets me be me because [00:07:00] she doesn't agree with everything I do or say or choose. We've been married for 22 years. She hasn't hashed it out over every little detail with me because she knows that sometimes to love me, you have to take the good and the bad.

Number two, being willing to hurt each other's feelings. Now, I was blessed to not have a wife that spends a ridiculous amount of time in front of the mirror because she cares way too much about how she looks. Don't get me wrong. I love it when she takes it up a notch for a special occasion, but I also love how my wife looks every single day, makeup or not.

She's gorgeous. Every once in a while, she tries to do something new. And it doesn't really work for her, right? It's not a good look for her. She's learned not to ask me if she really likes what she's trying [00:08:00] because I'm not going to give the correct answer. And I'm using air quotes for all of you listening, the correct answer.

Because guys, we all know what the correct answer is. I'm not that guy. In fact, to a pain point, sometimes my wife might actually wish I was that guy because I'm not men often lie in this situation to make their girlfriend or wife happy. I don't. Why? Because honestly, my relationship is more important to me.

And if I really don't think it looks good on my wife, I'm not going to pretend it does. The last person I should have to ever get creative air quotes with the truth on is still my love. Fortunately, I married a woman who most time agrees with me. Most of the time, not all the time that we should always be honest.

And there are days she calls me out on my bullshit. And it's one of the most important things she offers me as my wife. Yeah, sure, my ego gets bruised. And I [00:09:00] whine and complain and try and argue. I protest. But a few hours later, I usually come stalking back and admit she was right. She makes me a better person, even though I hated hearing the truth telling sometimes.

When we always try and make ourselves or our partners happy, it often backfires and no one ends up feeling truly happy. Sometimes we don't even realize that our relationship is falling apart because of it. It's important to focus on more than just making each other feel good all the time. Real happiness, like enjoying sunsets and moments of joy together, comes when we figure out the important stuff, our values, our needs, and trust.

It's crucial to talk about our needs without blaming each other. It's crucial to be honest with each other. Whether I need my alone time, or she thinks I'm distant, these talks should happen without pointing fingers. This is the key to having healthy relationships that meet both of our needs without these honest conversations, [00:10:00] we might lose our connection and the understanding in this complex web of marriage that we have.

And you might be struggling with that as well. Number three, feeling attraction for people outside the relationship. Okay, guys, warning, big warnings right here. You're going to have to filter this one carefully. In every relationship where honesty is lacking, being attracted to someone other than your partner, even in a slight emotional or sexual way, is seen as a huge betrayal.

Although we might want to believe that we only have eyes for our partner, biology tells us a different story. After the initial phase of intense attraction or that falling in love feeling and those feel good hormones that flood your brain and cloud your judgment, the excitement about our partner, our spouse, our wife, can decrease not because you love them less, but because your brain isn't pumping all that [00:11:00] nonsense into your head.

Unfortunately, human sexuality is wired to be interested in new things. That's just the base. Can we have this honest conversation here? That's just a basic fact about human sexuality. I've talked to many men from happy relationships who feel guilty. Because they found somebody else attractive, like really, really, really, really guilty.

Let me be really clear. They didn't do anything with that attraction. They did not flirt with somebody. They didn't go cheat on their spouse, but they actually were confused because they felt an attraction towards a person, a physical attraction towards the person that wasn't their spouse. The truth is it's normal to find people interesting and attractive multiple people at the same time.

It's how our biology works. I'm not saying we're super primal, but if you go back to primal basics of biology, that was part of the [00:12:00] imperative men, right? We were supposed to find lots of women attractive to reproduce and keep the species going. If you go and subscribe to that methodology of how the world evolved, the truth is I've been in a spot where I felt guilty because I was attracted to an actress on a show.

And I thought that made me a bad husband because I was attracted to this actress on a show. Turns out, you know what? My wife has attracted some guys she sees on shows. I'm attracted to some women I see on shows. Hey, you know what? It didn't destroy our marriage for 22 years. That's been okay. My wife's been like, man, he's hot.

I'm like, yeah, he is right. You can still be in a healthy relationship and acknowledge that other people are attractive. I'm not saying you dwell on this. I'm not saying you live in these thoughts. That's not okay. When it becomes a distraction, when it starts becoming a substitution for your relationship, that's not healthy.

What's not guaranteed is what we decide to [00:13:00] do with that attraction or not. Usually most of us choose not to act on those feelings. And for a lot of people, it's like that TV actor or actress, right? And you're not. Even in a position where you could act on those feelings, these attractions come and go like waves.

And in the end, we stay with our partner, just as we were when the feelings first showed up, having these feelings can make some people feel really, really guilty though. And others, it can make them really jealous for no reason. Our society teaches us that once we're in love, that's the end of the story.

We'll never be attracted to somebody again. If someone flirts with us, or we have a stray thought, we might think something's wrong with us or our relationship. But it's not true. In fact, it's healthier to deal with those feelings than to let them go. And then, sorry, it's healthier to deal with those feelings, to feel those feelings, and then let them go.

When you try and ignore those feelings, when you try and shame yourself with those feelings, they actually gain power over you, making [00:14:00] you act in ways you might not want to, suppressing things that's never been healthy. It's better to feel those urges, but choose not to act on them, right? Actively choose.

People who try and ignore those feelings end up doing things they regret, like cheating on their partners. The whole forbidden fruit draw can increase and elevate your desire you normally would let pass. Ignoring these feelings can make you wake up one day feeling unhappy and not knowing why, wondering what happened to the love you used to have.

Finding attracted people enjoyable is normal. It won't change just because... You're married, or you're in a healthy relationship. Suppressing those feelings towards others can make you less attracted to your partner. And it's likely hurting a part of yourself that can harm your relationship in the long term.

When I meet a beautiful woman now, I enjoy it like any man would. But it also reminds me why out of all the women I met, I chose to be with my wife. [00:15:00] I see in other attractive women, everything my wife has, but I often see what they lack that she does have and why I chose her. While I appreciate the attention or flirting, it only makes my commitment to my wife stronger.

Attractiveness is everywhere, but real intimacy is rare. And it's very different than being attracted to somebody. When we commit to a person, we're not promising to control That we will never be attracted or have an emotional feeling towards somebody else. You can't do that. We can choose not to linger on those thoughts.

What we can control is our actions, right? Not linger on the linger down those thoughts or not letting those thoughts in bed or not doing something stupid with those thoughts. What we promise to that special person are those actions. Everything else will come and go just like it always does. But pretending that you're never attracted to anybody else again in your life.[00:16:00]

Is a surefire disaster waiting to happen. Number four, spending time apart. We all know someone who vanished as soon as they started a relationship. It's a common sight guys. Like this happens from the time we are old enough to actually start spending time with girls. A guy meets somebody and suddenly he stops playing basketball with his friends or playing Nintendo, or a girl who's never liked video games is suddenly into them because her partner is.

It's not just weird for us. It's not great for them either. When we're in love, we start having some pretty irrational thoughts. One of them is the idea that we should let our lives revolve around the person we're in love with. It feels amazing. Almost like being on a, on a high, like on cocaine or something.

No joke. Really, the problem comes when we make the idea real, if you let your whole identity be about [00:17:00] your spouse, about your relationship, about your romantic connections, you start changing to be more like your partner. But the issue is you stop being the person they fell in love with and you stop loving the person you are.

It's crucial to take a step back for your partner from time to time, keep your independence, have hobbies and interests that are just yours. Hang out with friends who aren't part of the relationship. Go for a trip every now and then. Oh, and remember what made you who you are and what attracted you to partner in the first place.

My wife just got back. She went on a hike with some friends from our church and then she went and spent part of the weekend at her friend's cabin with a couple of her friends to celebrate her birthday. My wife just had a birthday recently and she was like, Hey, I'm going to go do this. I was like, great.

Have fun. Right? Because she has friends that she spends time with. It's great. I have friends. I spend time [00:18:00] with. That's great. We have friends as a couple, but we still have our existence and our own friends and our own interests. My wife doesn't want to go obstacle course racing with me. My best friend does, right?

And that's okay. She doesn't want to have to run races with me. I don't want to have to go jogging with her, right? Win win, we can still have us. So guys, have some breathing space. Without this breathing space, the excitement between you two can actually fade out pretty quickly. And what used to be sparks might just turn into problems because instead of being the person that each of you actually was attracted to initially, you start to kind of blur and it's not healthy for your relationship.

Number five, accept your partner's flaws in the book, the unbearable lightness of being. Lon Kundra talks about two kinds of guys who are not great in relationships. First is those who [00:19:00] always look for the perfect woman, but can never find her. And second is those who convince themselves that every woman they meet is already perfect.

No, I really liked this idea. And I think it's not just about guys who struggle in relationships is for anyone who often. Finds themselves in not so great relationships. Some people try to make their partner perfect by fixing them, air quotes, are changing them while others believe their partner is already perfect.

It's not as complicated as it sounds. Let's break it down. One, every person has flaws and imperfections. Two, you can't make somebody change. And three, you should date someone whose flaws you can live with or even like. The best way to measure how much you love someone is to think about how you feel about their imperfections.

If you can accept or even like some of their flaws. Like her being super neat [00:20:00] or his awkward social habits, for example, then they can do the same and they can do the same for you that shows real intimacy. One of the earliest times this idea was talked about comes from Plato in a myth. In his book Symposium, Plato said that humans used to be both male and female and they were complete and on their own existed.

They didn't feel like they were missing anything. They weren't unsure of themselves and they were so strong that they even challenged the gods. This created a problem for the gods. They didn't want to wipe out humans completely because then they'd have no one to rule over. But they needed to do something to make humans more humble and distracted.

So Zeus decided to split each human into two, a man and a woman. He cursed them to spend their short mortal lives wandering the world searching for their other half. The part that [00:21:00] would make them feel complete and powerful again. And this completeness wouldn't come from two perfect people meeting, but from two imperfect people meeting, where their flaws balanced and made up for each other's weaknesses.

It's a pretty cool concept. Alex Gray once said, True love is when two people's issues complement each other. Love is crazy and irrational. The best love happens when our quirks work well together. And our imperfections make us even more fond of each other. More modern example, as they said in Deadpool. My jagged edges match your jagged edges, right?

Great love story. Just kidding. No, I'm not really. But it's the same idea. Just said two very different ways, right? Initially, it might be our good qualities that attract us to each other, but that's our imperfect imperfections that really decide if we stay together [00:22:00] in our quest to understand thriving relationships.

Today, we're challenging some common beliefs. And we've explored some habits that foster lasting love, how you apply them to your life will be very unique because what works for me doesn't necessarily work for you. But these are five ideas that are definitely worth contemplating for your relationship.

Looking at Godman's insights into successful couples who accept unresolved issues, it's clear that strong relationships see conflict as normal, embrace their partners imperfections and value genuine happiness over constant agreement. The significance of honest communication, even when it's tough, it's evident.

It reminds us that true closeness grows when we navigate the complexities of values, needs, and trust. Recognizing attraction outside of the relationship, along with the wisdom to let those feelings fade, demonstrates the maturity needed for a strong connection. Balancing time together with personal space and appreciating each other's flaws as Plato's myth and Alex Gray [00:23:00] suggests, highlight the essence of true love.

So let's keep questioning ideas and uncovering the secrets to fulfilling. And resilient bonds and relationships. Here's to real connections and the pursuit of lasting love guys. Cheers to fallible nation, whether you're a long time listener or just joining us for the first time. Thanks for being part of the journey today.

Be better tomorrow because what you do today, and we'll see you on the next one. This has been the fellow woman podcast. You're home to everything, man, husband, and father, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show. Head over to www. TheFallibleMan. com for more content and get your own Fallible Man Gear.