5 tips for Cultivating Deeper Connections: A Guide to Building Strong Marriages

5 tips for Cultivating Deeper Connections: A Guide to Building Strong Marriages 

How do we go from just being married to living a deep, lifelong, grow old together, kind of love with our spouse? That's the real goal, right? But it's not easy. And many couples get stuck on the surface, never really breaking through that rich, unbreakable bond. Well, today I'm going to share five powerful tips that will help you cultivate the kind of connection that not only lasts a lifetime, but also grows deeper with each passing year.

Here's the million dollar question. How do men like us reach our full potential growing to the men we dream of becoming while taking care of our responsibilities, working, living, being good husbands, fathers, and still take care of ourselves. Well, that's the big question. And in this podcast, we'll help you with those answers and more.

My name is Brent and welcome to the Fallible Man podcast. Welcome to another episode of the Fallible Man podcast, where we focus on all things that make men stronger, husbands, fathers, and individuals. I'm Brent. Today we're diving into a topic that hits close to home for many of us, our marriages. [00:01:00] Whether you're just starting your journey, or you've been walking the road together for years, There's always room to strengthen that bond.

Marriage can be one of the most rewarding aspects of your life, but it takes intentionality, patience, and a lot of love. I'll be sharing some real world advice to help you cultivate a deep and lasting connection with your spouse. But first, big shout out to Fallible Nation. Those are long time listeners.

And if you're here for the first time, thanks for checking us out. There's a lot competing for your attention. I'm well aware of that. So it does mean a lot to me that you're giving us a shot. So thanks for being here. Be sure and connect with us at the fallow man on most social media platforms. I'm particularly active on Instagram and let's connect a little more.

So back to the show, let's talk about. How do we move from we're married to a deep lifelong growing old together forever kind of connection with our spouse? Well, I've got five tips for you to [00:02:00] help cultivate those happily ever afters. Number one, prioritize quality time, but be real about what that looks like.

Watching movies isn't always seen as quality time, right? A lot of people will be like, well, you're not connecting. You're not talking for my wife and I. Okay. We talked, we laughed, we made fun of the movie. We joked through hundreds of movies over the years, especially in those early years of our marriage when home video was actually videotapes instead of streaming services.

You can do it with Netflix as well. That's what we did. We didn't have a lot of money as a young married couple. And so we spent a lot of time huddled up on our couch together. And guys, we were like, we would be horrible movie theater people. Because we did, we sat there and we talked and we joked and we made smart Alec remarks and we threw stuff at the television and you know, let's not be stupid with you.

Like popcorn, not heavy stuff. at the television, but we communicated and we [00:03:00] laughed and we, we enjoyed it together to an nth degree. So for us, it was really quality bonding time. But what does that quality time look like for you? How do you thrive together? What does it mean to you? Where do you bond? For my friend, Oliver and Denise, that's their car ride.

They get in the car and they drive together for a while. And according to them, most of those ends up after a long drive at Target. And they wandered around Tardy together. Now Matt, that may be strange to you. It was strange to me, but it's what works for their marriage. It's actually a very strong bonding time for their marriage.

And Oliver and Denise are amazing marriage and relationship coaches and it's worked for them over the years. But they'll be the first to tell you, it's finding what is your time together. My wife and I's ideal date probably doesn't look like yours. I mean, it's possible. Maybe you and your wife are both coffeeaholics and you love shooting [00:04:00] long range guns and short range guns and every kinds of guns.

Cause that's our big date. My wife and I will get coffee and go to the range and we'll do long range shorty shooting and shoot handguns and all kinds of stuff. That's our ideal date. Maybe that's not your thing. Maybe it is. You may be a big target fan like my friends, more than likely you have the things that you're really unique in your relationship with.

And those are the things you really want to center on for your quality time. Hopefully things that other people scratch their heads and we're like, wait, what are they doing? Like I said, I went all over and he's told me about their car trips and their time target. I did. I scratched my head. I'm like, that sounds horrible to me.

Other people laugh at Sarah and I because they're like, really, that's your bonding time. That's your, yep, it is. So find that thing that makes other couples scratch your head, but it's your thing uniquely, and make sure it's really specific to your personality as a [00:05:00] couple, and you will find your way, and that quality time will power you into the next stages of your marriage.

Number two, go way past the superficial BS. Okay. You cannot have a deep connection with somebody that you don't go deeper with in conversation and understanding than the stereotypical surface level nonsense that you throw with everybody else. One of the greatest gifts to our marriage was early on the fact that our relationship was built long distance.

It's not something I recommend for everybody. Uh, It worked for our relationship, and we've been married for 23 years now. We've been together for 26, if you want to count that. But, we built our entire relationship through conversations. For three years before we said I do, we never even lived in the same state.

Like, it was weird. [00:06:00] Prior to moving to Washington to find a job and marry my wife, we had only actually ever had about two and a half weeks together. And it wasn't exclusively together over the course of a three year relationship. Now, it may sound extreme, but the amazing part was we talked for hours and hours every week because we had no other way to connect.

So we talked. You run out of superficial BS really quickly when you, all you can do is talk like old school, not FaceTime, like talk on the phone. Uh, we still use pay phones for part of that. I knew her hopes, her dreams, her fears, her insecurities and ambitions. I knew all about her family and the dynamics and how, of how it worked and how she felt about her siblings.

She knew every flaw, vulnerability and trouble facing my very uncertain future at the time. My future was troubled the best, but yet we had this bond that was forming through years and years of just clear. Concise, [00:07:00] well, not usually concise, clear communication. We went deeper than surface level nonsense.

In this practice, you learn to listen. You learn to be honest. You learn to be empathetic all at once, clear, long communication. When you go past the surface level is really key to connecting deeply with your spouse. Number three, acceptance and realistic expectations. Now that sounds like two things, but one kind of creates the other and it's absolutely reasonable to want to grow together.

However, you have to accept the person completely as they are period. Okay. And I probably jumbled how I wanted to say that. So let me, let me throw a little clarity here. You have to accept the person who is who they are as [00:08:00] where they're at. And this is the person they are. Yes. Have the expectation that you're going to grow together, but not necessarily in the way you think.

Okay. Yes. Grow together. You should in every relationship, but you have to accept and love the person at the basic level of where you met and where you decided to spend life together. Women frequently make the mistake of thinking that they can and will change the parts of the men they care about that they're involved with if they don't like something about them.

You hear the cliches all the time. Phrases like we'll work on that or he loves me enough. So he'll change or I love this one. I can fix that. My personal favorite. He'll grow out of it. Ladies. Let me help you really, really quickly here. No, you won't. If you loved him, you wouldn't want him to change. [00:09:00] No, you can't change him.

And no, he won't grow out of it. Now. You guys aren't guilt free on this either, gentlemen. We, we have those same unrealistic thoughts, just not quite as blatantly as the ladies do sometimes. If she doesn't already have certain habits, traits, or inclinations, she likely won't either. So be realistic. Look at the state of the way she keeps her house or her apartment.

That's the way that your place is going to look. That's not going to change when she moves in with you. If she doesn't love to work out or you don't love to work out, that's probably not going to change later in the relationship. If she doesn't enjoy drinking beers and watching the game or playing video games, she probably never will.

If she doesn't already have that inclination. So you need to learn to love and accept each other where you're at. Realistic [00:10:00] expectations are you're going to grow together. into your relationship, but that doesn't mean that these personal habits are going to change and it's not right for you to expect them or think they're going to, or think that you're going to change them.

So just getting that out of the way. I think we're at number three. Number three, speak your language. One of the most incredible things I ever witnessed was the first time I met my sisters intended as a baby brother who had never met this man before. I was totally on guard and ready to declare him unworthy.

In a heartbeat, he was older than my sister. And that kind of freaked me out a little bit. And honestly, my sister and I are very close and nobody was worthy or good enough for my sister. My sister has her own way about going things. And one of the things is that she has her own language that she's created over the years.

And it kind of [00:11:00] created itself to be honest, because we were friends. We would talk all the time about whatever, whenever, however. So my sister's language developed from talking when she was brushing her teeth. And if you've ever talked to someone who was vigorously brushing their teeth, then you have an idea of kind of what it sounds like.

But I understood it because we communicated enough that I just, I got what she was thinking. We were close enough in the way we thought about things and our perspectives that it made a lot of sense to me. So, cool. Years later, I met this dinner with my future brother in law who I don't know and it's a little uncomfortable and a little awkward He's not as social as we are and the whole family dinner thing was kind of freaky for him, too but at dinner my future brother in law tried to hint at a [00:12:00] question to my sister as he was unsure of the The question of the protocol to bring it up.

And he didn't want to put her on the spot, which I respected that he did not want to put her on the spot in front of her little brother and his wife. But I watched this entire conversation unfold then between my sister and him in my sister's language. They literally started talking this nonsensical kind of.

Teeth brushing conversation back and forth in front of my wife and I, and they totally understood each other and it totally worked. I gave my blessing that that moment that night, he spoke Katie, that's my sister's name. He spoke my sister

utterly. He understood her. The fact that he could do it, told me everything I needed to know. Now maybe you don't have to go to the extreme. You don't have to make up your own mind. [00:13:00] And I'm using air quotes here, guys. Sorry. I keep hitting my mic today. People frequently think that my wife and I are fighting or mad at each other, are arguing.

I honestly don't hear it and there's nothing wrong with it and there's nothing wrong with us. We're not upset. We're not fighting. We're not disagreeing. It's the way we communicate. And apparently it's not the way other people think normal couples should, but it works for our life. We speak to each other in a way that works for us.

And it sounds funny to other people, but it, it works for our marriage. We're both happy and we're on the same page. So find your language complete with your sense of humor. That's part of what colors our languages and the way we talk to each other is our sense of humor. So find your language to talk to your spouse.

All those things about you hear in self help things and relationship [00:14:00] guides about having inside jokes that can come out in the late way you speak to each other and the way you communicate. That humor, it doesn't have to be a we have this joke, it can be the way we say things, or the sarcasm, or the pauses, or the looks.

Find your language, complete with your sense of humor, that speaks for you and your spouse. Because I guarantee you may not see it as different, but you're going to find you've got your own little quirks about the way you communicate. that really just speak to you too. And that's a beautiful thing. So look for it because it's there.

You may be doing it subconsciously, but it's there if you let it develop. Number five, touch. No, I don't mean sexual touch or sex in a healthy marriage. I hope you have a lot of that too, [00:15:00] but that's not all. I love to hold my wife's hand, sit with my hand on her leg, stand right up against her. If we're in the same room, I'm usually like right up snug against her.

We had some friends of ours once tell us that they thought we were cute because we were always touching. The truth is I can't be around her and not touch her in some way. If I'm close enough to touch my wife, I have a need to physically touch her. Touch is a powerful thing. Touch can be so much more than sex.

Touch is comfort. It's support. It's encouragement. Touch is security, motivation, assurance. It's pride. It's passion. It's love. It's adoration. It's so much more. Touch conveys what words fail to convey accurately so very often. [00:16:00] When my wife and I have a disagreement or a fight, touch is the first part of I'm sorry.

It's we may not like each other right now, but we love each other. And that hasn't changed. Ladies, I know for some of you it may be really obnoxious that your man can't keep his hands off you. It's true. Although, count your blessings that that's the way he feels. Though maybe annoying at time, don't take it away from him.

Because for men, our touch says much more than our hearts will ever allow our lips to convey. We're not Always good at speaking verbally the way we feel, but you're always going to feel it in our touch. We speak the best way we know how and for a lot of men that comes with that touch. All of us know what I'm talking about here.

You know that you can [00:17:00] hold a hand of someone you love in a supportive way that has nothing to do with sex. You've done it with your siblings. You've done it with your parents. You've done it with good friends. Hopefully. There is a lot more of the touch than sex and this is one of the most powerful tools you'll have in your arsenal Because and for 23 years now Still to this day to be touching my wife if I'm anywhere close to her It conveys more than I can put into words and as your relationship grows as it deepens That touch is a much more intimate communication and a much more clear communication than a lot of times you're going to have the words for.

Now, guys, I can't help myself. So I've got a number six for you because I can't actually separate this out. So [00:18:00] number six is remove all fears. You will never go deep with your spouse unless you learn to alleviate their fears. And we're all scared of something. You can call them fears. You can call them insecurities, whatever you want, but we're all scared of something scared.

We're not good enough scared. We're not worthy scared. It will be taken away from us. Scared to really be seen like raw, really be seen scared of abandonment, scared of abuse, scared of being manipulated or being left scared of being rejected. Fear is suffocating people in relationships. That means you have to fight, sometimes unfairly, against all those fears.

You may not even know, and hopefully that comes up in those deep conversations when you go past the superficial. You're going to find out there are hurts in the past that you're overcoming. And it's not [00:19:00] your fault they're there, but those fears still exist and they're something you have to work through.

You can't just force your way through it. You can't just tell them, well, I'm a different person. There are fears that are created by experiences in life. Like I said, unfairly for you, sometimes that were created earlier in life that you're going to have to learn to get past your every action, even more so than your words must convey that you are here, that you are present, that you are focused and committed to your relationship.

If you ever want to go deep with that connection, like I said, there's an extra one for you. Cause I, I just, I love you guys. And I can't put. I frankly just can't create this list without having all six of those things on here because all six of those will help you cultivate those deep connections in your marriage.

Now, let me add [00:20:00] one word of warning. You're fighting something that no generation before has ever had to contend with in their relationship and it is crushing marriages at record speed. Now that doesn't matter if you're a new married or someone who's been married for quite a long time. It's not a generational thing.

It's an age thing, not like your age, but the age we live in. That is technology, the amazing double edged sword of our day. Now I rag on tech a lot and guys I'm surrounded by tech. Uh, I'd love for you to see my view of this camera because there's a light here and my microphone and a camera here and a camera here and light here.

And I'm literally surrounded by technology as I'm recording this for you guys. I live in a technology world. I spend 12 to 14 hour days in front of the computer. Most of the time, not only doing my work, but also doing work for clients when it comes to SEO and marketing and [00:21:00] stuff like that in the digital age, I live in tech.

And I know if you've listened to my show, I seem to rag on tech a lot, but let me tell you, when it comes to your marriage, it is the greatest detriment to your marriage in the last a hundred years. There are more distractions from healthy marriages in the palm of your hand than ever before. You may not be actively looking at other people on your smart devices or on your computers for a sexual purpose intentionally.

But we compare our spouses to all we see online. Other men, Other women, other people's achievements, other people's lives, other people's best moments. We compare them to the people closest to us. We compare them to ourselves. We compare them to our marriage. We compare them to our spouse. And it's causing you to be discontent with your marriage at an epic [00:22:00] rate.

If you don't believe me, I'm not asking you to take my word for this. Take a month long sabbatical from the internet. Unplug your life entirely for a month. Now I know that sounds radical. Look, I have to put a limitations on this because a lot of us work around computer. So no social media, no social browsing, no playing on YouTube.

I know unplugged for me for a month. I know that's not a big loss for some of you, but. Take a month off any kind of non professional internet. Unplug your life! I promise you, in one month, if you can do this for 30 days, I am so, so confident that you will not only be happier with your whole life, you'll be happier with your marriage.[00:23:00] 

It is this threat that we don't understand is a threat that is causing discontentment in our relationships. Because whether you're intentionally looking at other women, or you're just seeing the world outside of your life. It is breeding contentment, discontentment, because people only put their best moments on there, their airbrush lives.

So take a month off. If you don't believe me from all that content, and you will be shocked at how much happier you are, how much more content and excited you are about your whole life and your marriage. I promise it will be the greatest thing you ever do for your marriage. And it is an ideal time since you're taking a break from that.

To go deeper into your marriage. So there you got it. Six tips, not just five for building a marriage that stands the test of time. Remember relationships take work, but [00:24:00] payoff is lifelong connection that grows richer with time. And don't let the fear of technology or unrealistic unrealistic expectations get in the way of what could be the greatest relationship or what should be the greatest relationship of your life.

Start with one small step. Hold hands more often. Hold hands a little longer. Have real deep conversations. Don't settle for surface come surface content with your spouse. Spend meaningful time together doing things that you love as a couple. Speaking each other's language, doing things that really bond you.

Now guys, if this is ringing a bell for you, and you're enjoying the content, Be sure to sign up for our bi weekly newsletter for exclusive content and insider information about the show and the movement. There's a sign up down in the show notes or the [00:25:00] YouTube description, whatever platform you're joining us on.

Thanks for tuning in today to the fallible man podcast until next time. Keep striving, keep growing, keep loving deeply and be better tomorrow because of what you do today, and we'll see you on the next one. This has been the fellow man podcast. Your home for everything, man, husband, and father, be sure to subscribe so you don't miss a show.

Head over to www. TheFallibleMan. com for more content and get your own Fallible Man gear.