The Power of Perspective: Reframing Hardship and Finding Meaning with Coach Randy Brown

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Hey, my name is Brent.

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And at the end of this episode of
the Fallible Man podcast, you will

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discover how to turn life's challenges
and opportunities, learn how to

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navigate tough times and emerge with a
resilient mindset, gain insights into

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the dangers of porn addiction, and
learn how to rebound from rock bottom.

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As we talked to the legendary former
Division 1 basketball coach, Randy

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Brown, who went from the top of his
game Then he lost two Children to a rare

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disease and had to live through that.

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And in his depression, lost
everything to his point addiction

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and landed him in federal prison.

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Randy now coaches pro athletes, NBA
division one coaches and speaks with

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people about recovering from rock bottom.

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Check out this quote from
Randy and let's get into it.

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We live with the opportunity
to become scarred, but smarter.

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It's the title of a song by someone
who's become a friend of mine.

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Kevin Kenny.

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Who is a phenomenal singer
songwriter for the, for the

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eighties band driving and crying.

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And Kevin is a very relevant artist.

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These days, Kevin Kenney wrote a
song called driving and crying,

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which has the greatest lyrics.

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If anybody ever wanted to explain about
We were never offered any free life of,

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uh, free from pain or, or, or any of that.

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He wrote a song about it and
his lyrics are phenomenal.

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The name of the song is scarred,
but smarter, not scarred, but I'm

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giving up scarred, but I'm going to
get my butt up and I'm going to move

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forward and I'm becoming smarter.

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Let's all be scarred, but smarter.

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Thanks, Kevin.

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Kenny.

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Here's the million dollar question.

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How do men like us reach
our full potential?

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Growing to the men we dream of being
while taking care of our responsibilities,

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working, being good husbands, fathers,
and still take care of ourselves?

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Well, that's the big question.

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In this podcast, we'll help you
answer those questions and more.

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My name is Brent and welcome
to the Fallible Man Podcast.

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Welcome to the Fallible Man Podcast.

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Your home for all things
man, husband, and father.

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Big shout out to fallible nation.

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That's our private community.

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There's more about that down in
the description and a warm welcome

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to our first time listeners.

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Hey, I know there's a lot of noise out
there, so thanks for checking us out.

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We really do appreciate it.

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Be sure to reach out to me
at the fallible man on pretty

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much any social media platform.

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And let me know what
you thought of the show.

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I'd love to hear your opinion on it.

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Uh, it always helps me make
a better show for you guys.

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And if you really enjoyed it,
be sure to leave us a pod, uh,

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review on Apple podcast that
always helps us reach more people.

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My name is Brent and today
my special guest is coach,

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speaker, and author Randy Brown.

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Randy, welcome to the
Fallible Man Podcast.

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Brent, thank you for having me.

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This is a great way to start our day
here, uh, early in the day and I love what

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you're doing and to be a part of it, uh,
here this morning is a tremendous honor.

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Well, thank you, Randy,
for those kind words.

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Now, Randy, we, we start out
pretty, pretty light here.

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How's your trivia knowledge, pop culture?

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Uh, not real strong.

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Uh, I gotta be honest with you.

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Fair enough.

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There is no wrong answer in
this first segment of the show.

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You're doing good.

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Here we go, guys.

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Here's the trivia question of the show.

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What Game of Thrones character
is known as the young wolf?

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Is it Rob Stark, Arya Stark, Sansa
Stark, Jon Snow, or Bran Stark?

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Oh my gosh.

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I have like zero knowledge
of that question.

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So, let's see, being a former high
school teacher, I'm gonna say C.

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C?

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Sansa Stark?

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Alright guys, you know the
rules, play along, don't cheat,

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don't Thrones enthusiasts.

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And for God's sake, if you're driving,
please do not write down your answer.

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Just stick in your head till we
get done to that part of the show.

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Now, Randy, I'm not big into
introductions because no one actually

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gives a crap about accolades.

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It's, it's unfortunately overplayed.

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Uh, so just in this moment today,
who is Randy Brown in your own words?

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Well, thanks for that question.

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That's that, that beats any
introduction any day I am.

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I'm at a point in my life
where I really feel like I've.

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come to terms with a lot of the things
that maybe I didn't understand or

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maybe I couldn't grasp why they were
happening or certainly the big things

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in your life, why those have happened.

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But I know today that I'm
really only trying to do two

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things every, every single day.

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And number one, Is is to be the best
version of what I can be every day.

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And that's as a, um, as a,
uh, a follower of Christ.

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That's as a friend.

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That's as a father of my 2 girls.

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Um, that that's as, um, we're just
really trying to, to come from

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a, a, a deep and valuable place.

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through the people that I have
relationships with in my life.

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And so that that's not
my primary focus, though.

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That would be a secondary focus.

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I like you through the life that we've
lived so far have realized that there's

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a lot of hurting people in this world.

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And we both have determined that it's
the male that, that we want to work with.

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We want to be a resource for,
we want to be able to, uh, help

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them make better decisions.

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And be a better father and whatever they
do, uh, you know, with their profession.

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Um, and that, that is something that
I am totally committed to, but I'll

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tell you, it's, it's been amazing.

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I can only say that because through time
it's kind of the steering wheel of my life

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has kind of steered me in that direction
with a lot of signs, with, with a lot of

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people who have indicated certain things.

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And I just didn't, you
know, come up with this.

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It's taken years.

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And so part of me, again, is the
individual, is the person trying to, to

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be the person that God created me to be.

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And the other is to be here
as a resource and a voice.

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And, uh, and a hug for, for men who need
to be transparent because their best

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life isn't being recognized yet because
they're holding themselves back big time.

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And that really motivates me.

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So that has to be a huge
part of, of who I am too.

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I love it.

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I love it.

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And I, that clicks so well with our
audience guys, he's here for all of us.

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Collectively, we're gonna have a great
conversation, but you know, we got to get

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some really deep stuff out of the way.

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So orange juice, pulp, some, none.

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How do you take your orange juice?

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Well, I've, I've had my
coffee, so I'm ready to roll.

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No, I mean, personal preference,
orange juice, pulp, no pulp, some pulp.

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Oh, I see.

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Uh, some.

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If you had to eat one meal for the
rest of your life, what would it be?

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A dish of my mother's Spanish rice.

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Yeah.

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Yes.

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That sounds good.

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Lifetime favorite.

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I live in a highly Hispanic area.

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So I love this rice.

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Yeah, it's hard to find.

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It's so generic.

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This is yeah, she had it figured out.

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She had a good recipe.

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You could have a conversation
with anyone living or dead.

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Who would it be?

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And why?

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Oh my gosh, there's so many.

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So I'm gonna, I'm gonna say John Wooden.

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John Wooden was the basketball
coach at UCLA who won 10 national

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championships and is probably
regarded as the greatest coach ever.

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But he always, and I've met him
before but never had a chance to

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talk, he was so insightful about the
fundamental requirements of playing

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the game and living life in the right
way that he, that he had it boiled

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down to something as crazy, if you
can believe it, as he would give his

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players a lecture on the first day of
practice on how to put on their socks.

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So, Wow It's a guy they call
the greatest basketball coach

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in the history of the game.

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And to him, he, he could not
start a season and not start that

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first practice without properly
teaching them how to do that.

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And it was all about, I
mean, there's a lot to it.

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It's, it's kind of a, it's kind
of a long answer if, if, because

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I've heard him interviewed and
heard him be asked that question.

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The way he saw the game, most of
us, and it's kind of like, How we

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see life, you know, it's, it's a
big confusing pressurized deal.

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Well, he never saw coaching like that.

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He never saw his life like that.

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First of all, he was a Christian, but he.

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He, he was all about breaking things
down into very simplistic fashion and

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then explaining why that's important.

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You know, most people will watch
a game or any type of competitive,

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whether it be a board game, you
know, what, you're going to have a

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winner and a loser, whether it be an
athletic guy, most people will see it.

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They're just cheering for
who makes the most baskets.

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And you know, they're looking
at the bigger picture.

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And the guy was so.

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incredible as as an educator of
young men that He spent time on the

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things that you would think that
a kindergarten teacher would spend

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time on, which I'm sure they do.

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You know, you know how to buckle
your boots before you go out in

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the playground type of thing.

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Well, I would bet Pete John wouldn't.

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And I, I've always had
tremendous respect for him.

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And again, like I said, I did get a
chance to meet him a couple of times

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because of his record and because
of what he accomplished based on

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how he taught the game is the reason
I'm really attracted to that guy.

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So that'll be my answer.

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I like it.

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I'm not familiar with the name.

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I have heard vaguely because I've heard
about his speech about putting socks on.

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Uh, that's interesting to put context.

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So it was years ago.

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I heard someone talk about that and I
was like, at the time I was young enough.

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My brain just went, I don't get it.

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Yeah.

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Don't get it.

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Yep.

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So later with a little
context makes more sense.

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I want to add this to there's something
that, you know, John Wooden was, was

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so great at he had what was called
the pyramid of success, which are

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the blocks that he thought were, were
were building blocks in the form of

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a pyramid that represented how you
are, um, successful in any venture.

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He then went on further because they
said, what do you mean successful?

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Because that's a, that's kind
of a, a word that everybody

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has a different definition for.

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So John, I would, I would ask our
listeners to look up John Wooden

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and because I, I won't, I won't go
into it, but this would be a great

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thing for them to, to search and
find later, uh, search for John

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Wooden and his definition of success.

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It is phenomenal.

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And something that I think we all need to
have, um, the younger, the better, uh, to

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try to figure out this world is to try to
figure out what this word success means

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because everybody uses it, but nobody
really knows what it is or can define it.

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And if we're going to use that
word and put value into that word.

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It would be really awesome if we
had our own definition of it because

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comparison is a nasty animal, nasty.

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And we all get wrapped up in it.

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And, um, certainly big houses, cars and
money is what most people think about

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and prestige when you hear about success.

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But it doesn't have to be because
if you don't define it that way.

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but define it and then live that way.

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And some of the happiest people are
the people that don't have much.

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So it's not about belongings.

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We know that it's got to start
from there, but anyway, John

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Wooden's definition is phenomenal.

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That's homework for today.

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For all of you who are listening and we're
not watching the video version of this.

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I was looking down at my keyboard
a second ago because I was

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typing that into my browser.

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So I have it after the show
because I'm going to look it up.

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That's something that we've talked
about a few times on the show is

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defining what success looks like to you.

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So I would really love to get
the context on the rest of that.

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00:14:02,334 --> 00:14:05,624
What purchase of a hundred dollars or
less have you made in the last year that's

234
00:14:05,624 --> 00:14:06,954
had the biggest impact on your life?

235
00:14:16,775 --> 00:14:18,215
I would say an audio book.

236
00:14:18,930 --> 00:14:21,960
Yeah, anyone in particular
that I purchased?

237
00:14:22,640 --> 00:14:25,000
Um, yeah, in fact, I just put it away.

238
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:25,930
I'm in my RV.

239
00:14:25,930 --> 00:14:28,029
I was organizing this morning.

240
00:14:28,610 --> 00:14:37,699
Um, uh, it, it's, it's on, um, uh,
I'm trying to think of the title, but

241
00:14:37,970 --> 00:14:46,430
I'm working on, uh, uh, the topic of
resilience and really digging down

242
00:14:46,440 --> 00:14:48,949
deep and, and doing research on it.

243
00:14:48,999 --> 00:14:52,029
And I came upon this
book and it's phenomenal.

244
00:14:52,845 --> 00:14:59,615
Um, I mean, it really shifted me because
I've always thought of resilience as

245
00:14:59,615 --> 00:15:03,784
being this, but it's really shifted me
because we can, I believe that we can

246
00:15:03,784 --> 00:15:10,434
actually teach people strategies for
becoming more resilient before what

247
00:15:10,434 --> 00:15:13,574
I call the big hurt of our life hits.

248
00:15:14,035 --> 00:15:15,415
unbeknownst to us.

249
00:15:16,035 --> 00:15:19,435
And so there's kind of a lot of
preparation to it as I'm learning.

250
00:15:19,875 --> 00:15:23,235
So I, what I did is,
um, cause I drive a lot.

251
00:15:23,904 --> 00:15:29,984
Uh, I went out and got several, uh, audio
books all on the same topic cause I wanted

252
00:15:29,984 --> 00:15:36,985
to, cause I was researching, but this one
forced me, forced me to pull off the road.

253
00:15:38,375 --> 00:15:44,494
I mean, I mean, like on purpose drive off
the road, uh, and and sit with a couple of

254
00:15:44,504 --> 00:15:49,264
thoughts I had from from this audio book
and I would say in the last year that's

255
00:15:49,504 --> 00:15:55,045
I don't I can't think of anything that's
moved me like this has is pretty profound

256
00:15:55,674 --> 00:15:58,644
and it's really guided my my learning.

257
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:00,505
on resilience.

258
00:16:00,555 --> 00:16:04,305
And it's a topic that I'm going
to really run with because I think

259
00:16:04,305 --> 00:16:05,835
it's something that can be taught.

260
00:16:06,455 --> 00:16:08,095
If it can be taught, it can be learned.

261
00:16:08,574 --> 00:16:14,564
And then we then we have, you
know, we have tangible steps

262
00:16:14,594 --> 00:16:16,414
that somebody is able to take.

263
00:16:17,014 --> 00:16:22,010
Um, if we can't handle Uh, the
big and small stuff in life,

264
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:28,090
man, life gets really, really
complicated and it goes from stubbing

265
00:16:28,090 --> 00:16:30,470
your toe in the dark at night.

266
00:16:30,960 --> 00:16:36,699
Um, that could be adversity and it's how
we deal with those things and the big hurt

267
00:16:36,930 --> 00:16:43,210
when the big hurt hits, you know, that's,
that's, that's the kind of thing, Brent,

268
00:16:43,290 --> 00:16:46,950
that we see people's lives changing.

269
00:16:47,590 --> 00:16:51,750
And you see someone going
from, uh, potentially living a

270
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:56,650
great life to a suicide attempt
and say, how did that happen?

271
00:16:56,660 --> 00:16:58,019
How did he make that shift?

272
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:04,030
And sometimes the bigger the adversity,
the bigger our movement either to the

273
00:17:04,030 --> 00:17:06,280
positive or to the negative becomes.

274
00:17:06,760 --> 00:17:11,530
And so hopefully in my work with, with
folks through speaking and coaching,

275
00:17:12,040 --> 00:17:14,119
uh, I can introduce resilience.

276
00:17:16,220 --> 00:17:17,210
Awesome question.

277
00:17:17,210 --> 00:17:19,079
Cause you really pushed me on that one.

278
00:17:19,510 --> 00:17:23,240
And that I would have to say that's
what it is because I I've had a ball.

279
00:17:23,500 --> 00:17:27,180
Like I didn't know anything about
resilience at all in my research.

280
00:17:27,359 --> 00:17:30,480
So it's going to be a fun
thing to, to grab and run with.

281
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,759
And we'll see if we can get Randy
to shoot me the name of that book.

282
00:17:33,760 --> 00:17:36,750
When he finds it, I'll put it in
the show notes for all you guys.

283
00:17:36,770 --> 00:17:38,530
So you can see what we're
talking about on that one.

284
00:17:38,895 --> 00:17:43,385
Yeah, because now I want to read the
book, one of the hardest things about

285
00:17:43,395 --> 00:17:49,195
doing podcasts and stuff like this is when
I'm talking to my guests, I look down a

286
00:17:49,195 --> 00:17:54,574
lot because I want to take notes while
we're talking, I've got a page open so

287
00:17:54,575 --> 00:18:00,310
I can make like notes, I want to cover
this and Put the note in to call Randy

288
00:18:00,310 --> 00:18:02,250
about getting this book title later.

289
00:18:02,350 --> 00:18:02,720
Right.

290
00:18:02,850 --> 00:18:04,240
Yeah, yeah, exactly.

291
00:18:04,760 --> 00:18:07,580
But, uh, I, I have a really bad habit.

292
00:18:07,600 --> 00:18:10,800
Sometimes I've gotten caught a few
times where there was just dead silence.

293
00:18:10,830 --> 00:18:13,289
Cause I'm busy typing notes.

294
00:18:14,670 --> 00:18:15,939
My guests get silent.

295
00:18:16,210 --> 00:18:17,680
I know what's up, right?

296
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:20,400
Well, I guess I'm talking all
of a sudden I'm like, Oh crap.

297
00:18:21,790 --> 00:18:26,950
So here guys, just, uh, because
I do have like multiple, I have

298
00:18:26,950 --> 00:18:28,369
one note open on my computer.

299
00:18:28,370 --> 00:18:29,670
I've got a word document open.

300
00:18:29,670 --> 00:18:36,380
And, uh, while we're recording this,
because I'm, I, I get obsessive, like I'll

301
00:18:36,439 --> 00:18:40,470
hear something that just, I, and I know
exactly what you mean by the audio books.

302
00:18:40,500 --> 00:18:43,010
Hey, I, I recently was
only about four years ago.

303
00:18:43,010 --> 00:18:46,099
I started listening to audio books,
which changed my life because it

304
00:18:46,100 --> 00:18:47,380
allowed me to listen to more books.

305
00:18:49,065 --> 00:18:51,785
But there are those audio books that it's
like you're listening to in the car and

306
00:18:51,785 --> 00:18:57,975
it's like you just either turn it off
because you can't stop and take notes.

307
00:18:58,325 --> 00:18:58,575
Yep.

308
00:18:58,715 --> 00:19:02,635
It's like, I'm gonna have to
this later or you just pull over.

309
00:19:04,074 --> 00:19:05,375
But I'll do the same thing once.

310
00:19:05,919 --> 00:19:07,370
I'll tell you what I found out though.

311
00:19:07,379 --> 00:19:09,010
There's a, there's a hack for that.

312
00:19:09,570 --> 00:19:13,959
So when you're listening, listening
on audible and there's what's called

313
00:19:13,959 --> 00:19:19,430
car mode, if you go into car mode,
you can actually hit a button and

314
00:19:19,440 --> 00:19:22,050
it will mark where you were, right?

315
00:19:22,740 --> 00:19:25,800
And, and it will cover like
a minute's worth of content.

316
00:19:27,080 --> 00:19:31,859
So when you go back, you it's
like, you've made all those notes

317
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:33,710
that it's, it's there for you.

318
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:35,420
I didn't know that was there.

319
00:19:35,530 --> 00:19:36,880
It's amazing.

320
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,019
It's amazing.

321
00:19:41,090 --> 00:19:41,760
Yes.

322
00:19:42,390 --> 00:19:47,420
I use it constantly as a fellow
pull over to the side of the road.

323
00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:51,199
And like I pulled over and just
sit on my phone and taking notes.

324
00:19:53,195 --> 00:19:54,665
We got a new way for you now.

325
00:19:54,725 --> 00:19:55,225
Yes.

326
00:19:55,235 --> 00:19:55,495
Yes.

327
00:19:55,495 --> 00:19:56,845
I'm going to use Carmo now.

328
00:19:56,905 --> 00:19:57,545
I'm excited about that.

329
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:00,084
I like it.

330
00:20:00,365 --> 00:20:03,034
What is something everybody
should know about you before

331
00:20:03,034 --> 00:20:04,095
we dig into today's topic?

332
00:20:06,860 --> 00:20:12,519
When I was eight years old, I knew
I wanted to be a basketball coach.

333
00:20:13,739 --> 00:20:14,310
How?

334
00:20:14,919 --> 00:20:18,600
I don't know how it
happened, but it happened.

335
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,009
I remember the day.

336
00:20:20,389 --> 00:20:22,849
I remember a lot of things about the day.

337
00:20:23,340 --> 00:20:27,429
Because I was at a high school basketball
practice, and I knew the head coach.

338
00:20:27,710 --> 00:20:30,370
Coach and he was coaching
and doing his thing.

339
00:20:30,750 --> 00:20:35,660
And I asked my dad after practice, who was
the sports writer of the local newspaper.

340
00:20:35,660 --> 00:20:40,149
So we were obviously in cahoots with
all the coaches and I grew up in gyms.

341
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,000
Um, which is, which was a blast.

342
00:20:43,600 --> 00:20:47,040
I remember asking my dad,
well, how does he get paid?

343
00:20:47,770 --> 00:20:50,210
You know, he goes, well, they
pay him for coaching basketball.

344
00:20:50,250 --> 00:20:51,100
I heard that.

345
00:20:51,980 --> 00:20:54,980
And I'm like, because I was already
smitten as a little basketball

346
00:20:54,980 --> 00:20:56,629
player, you know, and I'm like, what?

347
00:20:57,440 --> 00:20:59,070
Okay, that's really cool.

348
00:20:59,070 --> 00:21:02,010
They could pay me for being a
coach like coach Dutch use me.

349
00:21:03,060 --> 00:21:08,900
And so that was a gift because I
didn't have to change careers and

350
00:21:08,900 --> 00:21:11,380
bounce around and do different
things, at least initially.

351
00:21:11,940 --> 00:21:12,430
So.

352
00:21:12,820 --> 00:21:13,169
Yeah.

353
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:15,520
At eight years old, I
figured out my career path.

354
00:21:17,150 --> 00:21:21,960
And guys, we're going to get into that
because Randy was a career division one

355
00:21:22,009 --> 00:21:25,939
coach, uh, but we're going to dive more
into that in the second part of the show.

356
00:21:26,340 --> 00:21:29,669
We've been just getting to know who
Randy is now at this point in his life.

357
00:21:29,730 --> 00:21:31,749
And the next part of the show,
we're going to dive into three of

358
00:21:31,749 --> 00:21:35,910
my favorite R words, resilience,
responsibility, and reflect reflection.

359
00:21:36,670 --> 00:21:37,325
We're going to roll our sponsor.

360
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Welcome back.

394
00:23:09,290 --> 00:23:12,030
The first part of, so we spent some time
just getting to know who Randy Brown

395
00:23:12,030 --> 00:23:17,490
is at this point in his life, because
there's a whole lot more backstory we're

396
00:23:17,490 --> 00:23:21,220
going to get to in this part of the show,
we're going to dive into my favorite

397
00:23:21,220 --> 00:23:26,399
three hours, resilience, responsibility,
reflection, because I was really excited.

398
00:23:26,409 --> 00:23:28,539
Randy, when we set this up,
because these are some of my

399
00:23:28,539 --> 00:23:29,910
favorite things to talk about.

400
00:23:30,730 --> 00:23:33,020
Uh, and I, I've even.

401
00:23:33,764 --> 00:23:35,715
Then, you know, how people
tease me a little bit.

402
00:23:35,725 --> 00:23:37,604
It's like, uh, you talk about that a lot.

403
00:23:37,634 --> 00:23:39,334
Well, they're the things that matter.

404
00:23:39,665 --> 00:23:42,115
So we, we talk about these things.

405
00:23:42,625 --> 00:23:48,694
Now guys, for point of reference,
as we get going, uh, Randy wrote

406
00:23:48,694 --> 00:23:50,054
a book called rebound forward.

407
00:23:51,445 --> 00:23:54,004
I read the book of course, and
it will be on our bookshelf,

408
00:23:54,134 --> 00:23:56,054
just like always on my website.

409
00:23:56,715 --> 00:24:01,975
Uh, and so I have a lot of questions from
that, but Randy, we need to gain some

410
00:24:02,004 --> 00:24:04,254
insights on your story for the discussion.

411
00:24:05,180 --> 00:24:07,180
You've been a division
one basketball coach.

412
00:24:07,240 --> 00:24:08,540
You've also been a federal inmate.

413
00:24:09,220 --> 00:24:12,460
Tell our audience what they need to
know about you and your story to get

414
00:24:12,460 --> 00:24:13,940
some perspective on this discussion.

415
00:24:16,730 --> 00:24:22,549
You know, it's really, it's really
easy, uh, to answer that question

416
00:24:22,550 --> 00:24:33,340
because when, when I got involved in
coaching, Other than my family, it's

417
00:24:33,350 --> 00:24:37,340
all I can see, eat, drink, think about.

418
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:44,570
I mean, I thrived in, in my coaching
career because it meant so much to me.

419
00:24:46,389 --> 00:24:58,099
When you do that, you are susceptible
to going so far into something like

420
00:24:58,100 --> 00:25:03,870
a career that Some other things
can creep up on you or some other

421
00:25:03,870 --> 00:25:07,720
things can, can not be attended to.

422
00:25:08,460 --> 00:25:15,140
Because of the time that you're committing
to your job and, and, and then your

423
00:25:15,140 --> 00:25:17,390
family kind of gets what's left over.

424
00:25:18,320 --> 00:25:27,500
Um, so, I mean, I was always, if I'm going
to do it, whatever it was, and in this

425
00:25:27,500 --> 00:25:34,420
case, it was coach college basketball, I'm
going to do it at the highest level I can.

426
00:25:34,700 --> 00:25:39,100
And I was very fortunate to reach
the high division one, the elite.

427
00:25:39,495 --> 00:25:44,445
College basketball level, and I
also was going to give it my best.

428
00:25:45,045 --> 00:25:47,264
I was going to give it my time.

429
00:25:47,264 --> 00:25:50,045
I was going to give it my
focus and concentration.

430
00:25:50,085 --> 00:25:54,895
I was going to just be the best
because I know this profession,

431
00:25:54,905 --> 00:26:00,205
like a lot of professions in
sports, college and professional.

432
00:26:00,755 --> 00:26:05,475
Have short shelf lives and it's all about
winning and losing and it's all about

433
00:26:05,475 --> 00:26:12,234
money and and I, I knew that if I'm going
to do this, I want to stay in this because

434
00:26:12,235 --> 00:26:23,314
I love this and I'm really going to give
it my best, um, then, uh, so that sets

435
00:26:23,314 --> 00:26:29,735
the table a little bit about maybe how
important it was, maybe too important.

436
00:26:30,370 --> 00:26:45,470
To me, because when the big hurt, the
big adversity hit in my life in 1992 with

437
00:26:45,490 --> 00:27:00,610
the death of our, uh, daughter, Meredith,
I totally became, uh, isolated, uh, I

438
00:27:00,610 --> 00:27:09,760
want to say probably, uh, disconnected,
uh, to the things that really were

439
00:27:09,760 --> 00:27:11,590
the most important things in my life.

440
00:27:13,115 --> 00:27:17,225
So, and I think this is really
crucial what, what we're talking

441
00:27:17,235 --> 00:27:22,995
about here, because, and I want, as
I talk, I, I, I know listeners are

442
00:27:22,995 --> 00:27:26,764
out there listening live or they're,
they're catching this later on.

443
00:27:27,810 --> 00:27:34,840
And I just would, would ask them, what
have been some things that caught you off

444
00:27:34,870 --> 00:27:38,260
guard and how did you respond to them?

445
00:27:39,280 --> 00:27:42,899
And were there some things that you
did that you're proud of in your

446
00:27:42,899 --> 00:27:48,079
response to Big Hurt or are there
things that you're not proud of?

447
00:27:49,530 --> 00:27:54,179
Um, very happy with yourself and
maybe they're shameful things that

448
00:27:54,179 --> 00:27:57,379
you did in your response to big hurt.

449
00:27:58,500 --> 00:28:02,529
So, um, you asked the 2 part question.

450
00:28:02,529 --> 00:28:07,729
So, 1st, part about how driven I was
about coaching and then the 2nd part.

451
00:28:08,685 --> 00:28:15,295
About we have to really be prepared
and I know I've had people say, well,

452
00:28:15,355 --> 00:28:21,834
I don't want to think about things that
are, you know, that, that horrible,

453
00:28:21,874 --> 00:28:28,164
you know, that things that can really
alter your life, you know, the, the

454
00:28:28,185 --> 00:28:31,905
things that I don't even want to
imagine are going to happen in my life.

455
00:28:33,695 --> 00:28:38,215
I think it's, I think it's good though,
to think about them in terms of.

456
00:28:39,030 --> 00:28:42,510
Not how it's going to make me look,
but how am I going to respond to it?

457
00:28:43,420 --> 00:28:47,010
Because there's one thing
I know about adversity, and

458
00:28:47,070 --> 00:28:48,920
adversity plays no favorites.

459
00:28:50,230 --> 00:28:55,490
And in my book, I talk about a
child and his grandmother going

460
00:28:55,490 --> 00:28:59,479
from door to door, uh, uh, selling.

461
00:29:00,320 --> 00:29:05,610
And they, I, grandmother said,
we're not going to come to a house

462
00:29:05,690 --> 00:29:08,160
that hasn't experienced adversity.

463
00:29:08,380 --> 00:29:09,119
There isn't one.

464
00:29:09,119 --> 00:29:11,270
You can keep knocking on
doors the rest of your life.

465
00:29:11,590 --> 00:29:16,439
So that's 1 thing I know that that the
community of of our world has in common.

466
00:29:16,970 --> 00:29:18,929
We're all going to face it.

467
00:29:19,720 --> 00:29:24,450
So, uh, I, I, I'm going
to answer it in that way.

468
00:29:24,480 --> 00:29:26,020
It's going to make more sense.

469
00:29:26,485 --> 00:29:32,705
As we move further ahead as to why
committing myself so much to my profession

470
00:29:32,995 --> 00:29:38,695
became a deterrent after, after big hurt
hit, but it'll, it'll make sense later.

471
00:29:38,735 --> 00:29:39,154
Believe me.

472
00:29:40,284 --> 00:29:45,634
Well, and on that note, so reading,
reading through your book was

473
00:29:45,675 --> 00:29:50,575
extraordinarily difficult, uh, for
me as a father of two little girls.

474
00:29:52,135 --> 00:29:56,405
First there, there was Meredith and
I thought, Oh my God, how do you

475
00:29:56,405 --> 00:29:58,964
recover from losing a child ever?

476
00:30:00,005 --> 00:30:05,555
Um, I, I can't even imagine, I, I can't
imagine how you even stood up the next

477
00:30:05,555 --> 00:30:13,745
moment and then to lose another child, uh,
the chapter on Natalie, I, I was in tears.

478
00:30:13,785 --> 00:30:14,745
I'm not gonna lie.

479
00:30:14,785 --> 00:30:17,575
That just rained me.

480
00:30:18,375 --> 00:30:18,885
Um,

481
00:30:22,315 --> 00:30:27,985
I, I, I thought about like, I had to
stop and spend some time with those

482
00:30:28,005 --> 00:30:31,105
cause it, my daughter's my whole life.

483
00:30:32,505 --> 00:30:34,075
It's everything to me.

484
00:30:34,505 --> 00:30:41,035
And I have no idea, and you still
had two children to take care of, and

485
00:30:41,035 --> 00:30:47,685
your wife, I have no idea how you even
keep moving forward at that point.

486
00:30:50,005 --> 00:30:53,935
Uh, so when you talk about the big
hurt, gentlemen, you're, you're

487
00:30:53,935 --> 00:30:58,375
not put this in some perspective.

488
00:30:58,595 --> 00:31:02,995
We're, we're not talking about the
adversity of stubbing your toe.

489
00:31:05,645 --> 00:31:10,205
We're talking about life altering impact.

490
00:31:12,295 --> 00:31:17,075
I've, I've had one other guest
who lost a child and it just, it's

491
00:31:17,075 --> 00:31:21,845
been their life into the tailspin
and I just cannot begin to fathom

492
00:31:21,845 --> 00:31:26,195
that how you even picked yourself
up and kept moving forward at all.

493
00:31:27,435 --> 00:31:29,174
I know as a father, you had to.

494
00:31:30,245 --> 00:31:32,365
For your kids who were still with you.

495
00:31:32,405 --> 00:31:39,125
But, uh, so a I'm wow.

496
00:31:39,295 --> 00:31:44,475
Uh, B that, that was
heartbreaking in the book.

497
00:31:45,475 --> 00:31:48,795
I was not, I was not
ready for those chapters.

498
00:31:49,265 --> 00:31:53,245
Um, especially the second one, it
was bad enough on the first chapter.

499
00:31:56,265 --> 00:31:59,365
How do you find the
strength to keep moving for.

500
00:31:59,615 --> 00:32:05,825
Your kids at that point, it's
combination of what, what you had

501
00:32:05,825 --> 00:32:08,705
said, Brent, you do it for your kids.

502
00:32:10,245 --> 00:32:16,725
Um, I, after Natalie died,
I was in a place where I did

503
00:32:16,725 --> 00:32:19,245
not want to be in this world.

504
00:32:22,385 --> 00:32:29,975
I remember saying to my wife,
if they're going to go before

505
00:32:30,425 --> 00:32:34,120
us, Like, what is going on?

506
00:32:34,130 --> 00:32:40,200
I mean, just, it was, there was a
numbness, there was confusion, there was

507
00:32:40,490 --> 00:32:43,460
just shock that it's happening again.

508
00:32:43,500 --> 00:32:50,700
There's so much of, of the surroundings
of Natalie's death and, and the

509
00:32:50,700 --> 00:32:52,570
time after that I don't remember.

510
00:32:52,670 --> 00:32:57,500
It just was so, felt so repetitive
that it was almost like a dream.

511
00:32:58,270 --> 00:33:02,940
And I didn't have to remember, but then
I'd wake up and realize it was reality.

512
00:33:04,240 --> 00:33:10,320
The fact that you got to keep chugging
for the people that look to you

513
00:33:13,540 --> 00:33:20,630
is a monumental task and
it's a tall order, but.

514
00:33:20,915 --> 00:33:22,405
It meant something to me.

515
00:33:22,735 --> 00:33:24,945
I mean, my dad told me that.

516
00:33:24,955 --> 00:33:26,215
My mom told me that.

517
00:33:26,225 --> 00:33:30,335
My in laws, who I love to
death, they both told me that.

518
00:33:30,775 --> 00:33:34,955
Um, my senior pastor, who was, who
was and is a good friend of mine,

519
00:33:34,965 --> 00:33:39,990
David Staff, At, um, at E Free
Church in Ames, Iowa, told me that.

520
00:33:40,040 --> 00:33:41,890
I heard that time and time again.

521
00:33:43,860 --> 00:33:49,790
And I even went as far as asking
David, David, what happens to

522
00:33:49,810 --> 00:33:52,220
a person who commits suicide?

523
00:33:52,230 --> 00:33:54,070
What happens to them in the kingdom?

524
00:33:55,060 --> 00:34:00,500
Well, I mean, that's a deep question
and I had to I had to call him and we

525
00:34:00,500 --> 00:34:02,530
met and I said, I got some questions.

526
00:34:02,530 --> 00:34:05,710
I got to have answers to because
I I'm really confused here.

527
00:34:06,340 --> 00:34:10,300
And like I said, I don't I don't
know if I'm long for this now.

528
00:34:11,670 --> 00:34:17,280
And in his infinite
wisdom, he laid it out.

529
00:34:17,525 --> 00:34:23,965
And he laid it out in a way that, that
gave, that gave me a chance to breathe

530
00:34:23,965 --> 00:34:32,375
a little bit and make me understand
that while it's probably fashionable

531
00:34:32,375 --> 00:34:37,940
to say that you don't want to live
and you just don't It's not when you

532
00:34:37,940 --> 00:34:43,630
get down to it, you know, it's not the
answer and it wasn't and thank goodness.

533
00:34:43,630 --> 00:34:45,940
I didn't choose that
path, but I was there.

534
00:34:46,730 --> 00:34:47,470
I was there.

535
00:34:47,980 --> 00:34:57,710
Uh, I became so angry and so confused with
with God on what was happening in my life.

536
00:34:57,750 --> 00:35:02,565
I mean, I had known God to,
to be for us, not against us.

537
00:35:02,565 --> 00:35:02,915
Right?

538
00:35:03,225 --> 00:35:07,775
And I find myself cursing God.

539
00:35:07,855 --> 00:35:11,735
I find myself pleading with Him.

540
00:35:11,985 --> 00:35:12,765
Why?

541
00:35:12,815 --> 00:35:14,705
I asked the question, why?

542
00:35:14,715 --> 00:35:16,235
And I got a great answer by the way.

543
00:35:17,085 --> 00:35:17,865
Why?

544
00:35:18,065 --> 00:35:26,315
Why, why over and over and over
and that is such a, it's something

545
00:35:26,315 --> 00:35:30,115
that comes naturally, but it's
such a, such a pathetic question.

546
00:35:31,485 --> 00:35:36,085
As I learned later, I'm going to give you
my answer now that I've baited everyone.

547
00:35:36,915 --> 00:35:38,595
This is one of the greatest answers.

548
00:35:38,605 --> 00:35:42,735
This is one of the things that
helped move me in my life.

549
00:35:43,070 --> 00:35:49,560
Towards where I am today and away from
where I was, I consulted the same infinite

550
00:35:50,380 --> 00:35:53,540
wisdom of David's staff on this one too.

551
00:35:53,540 --> 00:36:00,320
And I said, David, I'm tired of asking
why, but I am, I'm worn out and I'm

552
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:07,870
angry and I can't go forward until I
know why, why, why have my children.

553
00:36:08,300 --> 00:36:11,320
Our Children be taken, been taken from us.

554
00:36:11,680 --> 00:36:14,020
Why was it a rare disease?

555
00:36:14,700 --> 00:36:17,890
A rare disease, meaning we had no
idea when it was going to start.

556
00:36:18,470 --> 00:36:22,650
We knew that in about an hour
it could potentially stop.

557
00:36:22,660 --> 00:36:24,460
And that's about all the time that we had.

558
00:36:25,290 --> 00:36:25,840
Why?

559
00:36:26,750 --> 00:36:28,760
Why not other kinds of diseases?

560
00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:34,200
I mean, it's crazy thinking, but,
and just over and over and over.

561
00:36:35,210 --> 00:36:39,980
And he had one of the most profound
answers I have ever heard in my life.

562
00:36:39,980 --> 00:36:41,330
I can't imagine.

563
00:36:42,585 --> 00:36:50,435
having the ability to calm me and put
me in a peaceful place and really set

564
00:36:50,435 --> 00:36:52,525
up the rest of my life and afterlife.

565
00:36:53,105 --> 00:36:59,865
When David said, you may not
like this answer, but reality

566
00:36:59,865 --> 00:37:02,185
is that we were not created.

567
00:37:02,940 --> 00:37:05,930
To know why, you know what I said?

568
00:37:07,970 --> 00:37:13,410
Why you chose what he said?

569
00:37:13,420 --> 00:37:14,920
You can't say that anymore.

570
00:37:16,510 --> 00:37:17,950
It's a question within a question.

571
00:37:17,950 --> 00:37:18,760
I can't answer.

572
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:27,260
No, he said we weren't created to know
all the things that go on during our

573
00:37:27,310 --> 00:37:35,450
physical physicalness here during life
on earth, and that we have to step back

574
00:37:35,880 --> 00:37:39,650
and accept the fact our maker knows.

575
00:37:40,500 --> 00:37:44,480
But he didn't make us privy
to knowing all the answers.

576
00:37:45,460 --> 00:37:51,870
He said, but you will know why eventually.

577
00:37:53,050 --> 00:37:54,630
You will see your girls.

578
00:37:59,070 --> 00:38:00,880
You will see your girls again.

579
00:38:04,210 --> 00:38:07,130
And you will know why.

580
00:38:09,140 --> 00:38:14,210
I talk in my book about the, about
the quilt and the front of the

581
00:38:14,210 --> 00:38:15,770
quilt and the back of the quilt.

582
00:38:16,520 --> 00:38:20,700
And, and at that time, my life
looked like the back of the quilt.

583
00:38:21,450 --> 00:38:25,170
But what David was saying was there's
going to be a time in my life.

584
00:38:26,610 --> 00:38:31,900
After this life has passed and we're
in the afterlife, um, in heaven,

585
00:38:32,670 --> 00:38:36,000
that we're going to be able to
see the other side of the quilt.

586
00:38:36,120 --> 00:38:40,705
And that's the That's the beautiful
quilt that God is making for everybody.

587
00:38:41,035 --> 00:38:43,855
We don't know it cause
we see the wrong side.

588
00:38:45,105 --> 00:38:49,605
And, uh, uh, and David
was just explaining that.

589
00:38:51,205 --> 00:38:54,885
I, he said, I'm going to beg
you to every time you are.

590
00:38:55,740 --> 00:38:59,430
motivated to ask why just
stop and take a breath.

591
00:39:00,100 --> 00:39:04,930
And I want you to just think about the
summation of what we've just talked about

592
00:39:04,930 --> 00:39:14,230
here, about asking that question and man,
you could feel the weight come off me like

593
00:39:14,810 --> 00:39:19,260
It was, it was, I mean, it was awesome.

594
00:39:19,330 --> 00:39:24,790
And in that moment, I, there was
this feeling, this manifestation

595
00:39:24,910 --> 00:39:29,400
of this weight being gone that I
didn't have to Harbor that question

596
00:39:29,420 --> 00:39:34,290
and the responsibility for answering
that, that he had done that for me.

597
00:39:34,790 --> 00:39:37,950
And I was going to get the answer
and I was going to see my girls.

598
00:39:39,300 --> 00:39:41,820
And that really helped me set the stage.

599
00:39:42,185 --> 00:39:47,555
For what I call, um, and I love the
word, um, perspective that, that

600
00:39:47,555 --> 00:39:52,845
became a huge cog in the wheel of my
definition of perspective and what it is.

601
00:39:52,865 --> 00:39:57,635
And I think perspective is a huge part of
getting through big hurt and adversity.

602
00:39:59,645 --> 00:40:01,615
It's a really long winded answer.

603
00:40:01,880 --> 00:40:09,550
But a, a, a monumental friend for me
and my life and a monumental answer.

604
00:40:09,570 --> 00:40:15,120
And it meant everything because without
that, I would still be asking it and

605
00:40:15,120 --> 00:40:19,440
being tormented by it every single,
and that's not a good place to be.

606
00:40:21,570 --> 00:40:26,740
Life changing questions,
seldom have short answers.

607
00:40:26,750 --> 00:40:31,414
So that's, uh, man, I would, I
would be in trouble because my

608
00:40:31,414 --> 00:40:35,194
favorite question ever is why I'm
notoriously obnoxious about the wise.

609
00:40:38,445 --> 00:40:38,895
Yes.

610
00:40:39,605 --> 00:40:48,795
Now, if that wasn't enough,
that was the beginning, right?

611
00:40:49,895 --> 00:40:54,455
Now, a lot of people choose different
vices, and we've talked about this

612
00:40:54,565 --> 00:40:56,745
on the show many times in the past.

613
00:40:58,855 --> 00:41:04,135
It starts with a click, and you
think you're hurting nobody, right?

614
00:41:04,365 --> 00:41:07,175
There are a lot of men who do not
believe pornography is dangerous.

615
00:41:07,695 --> 00:41:12,375
Some men choose to self medicate the
pain with alcohol, some with drugs, some

616
00:41:12,375 --> 00:41:14,475
with porn, some with other addictions.

617
00:41:14,485 --> 00:41:18,045
who choose to self But you
never know it's happening.

618
00:41:19,085 --> 00:41:25,395
And so with all this going on, you
were looking for an outlet and fell

619
00:41:25,395 --> 00:41:30,245
down the path of pornography, which
like I said, a lot of people think

620
00:41:30,245 --> 00:41:36,245
doesn't hurt if you guys don't
believe it hurts, this will tell you.

621
00:41:36,305 --> 00:41:37,625
And you can go back.

622
00:41:37,705 --> 00:41:38,374
I did a.

623
00:41:40,025 --> 00:41:45,565
two part conversation with a human, a
child sex trafficking group that gets

624
00:41:45,635 --> 00:41:47,525
kids out of child sex trafficking.

625
00:41:48,635 --> 00:41:53,605
Uh, there's no such thing as an innocent
crime or an innocent click at this point.

626
00:41:54,205 --> 00:42:04,265
And ended up in federal
prison for two years, right?

627
00:42:05,765 --> 00:42:09,175
Which eventually ended your marriage.

628
00:42:12,255 --> 00:42:18,235
You, you got kicked in the teeth
over and over, but here we are.

629
00:42:19,985 --> 00:42:20,985
on this side of it.

630
00:42:20,985 --> 00:42:26,885
Do you want to touch on that
any or keep moving forward?

631
00:42:27,355 --> 00:42:28,085
No, I do.

632
00:42:28,445 --> 00:42:28,735
I do.

633
00:42:28,995 --> 00:42:36,025
Um, I want to touch on it because
according to the statistics, it,

634
00:42:36,075 --> 00:42:40,635
it has made its pornography has
made its way into about 70 percent

635
00:42:41,345 --> 00:42:48,265
of the life of all men that walk
this earth or live in our country.

636
00:42:48,575 --> 00:42:50,805
I hear these stats and
they're frightening to me.

637
00:42:51,575 --> 00:42:53,115
So is it relevant?

638
00:42:53,635 --> 00:42:56,195
And is it not spoken about enough?

639
00:42:56,545 --> 00:42:56,995
Absolutely.

640
00:42:56,995 --> 00:43:04,585
So I, I, I treasure the
opportunity to talk about it.

641
00:43:05,835 --> 00:43:18,325
So I'll start with this, that when, you
know, when we hurt, we're looking for an

642
00:43:18,325 --> 00:43:23,695
answer, uh, some resolution to the hurt.

643
00:43:24,295 --> 00:43:25,875
We want the hurt to go away.

644
00:43:27,680 --> 00:43:30,250
And you know what?

645
00:43:31,280 --> 00:43:31,970
We can't.

646
00:43:33,540 --> 00:43:40,410
We can't make the hurt go away because
grief is grief, and death is death,

647
00:43:41,430 --> 00:43:49,430
and tears are tears, and however you
describe the bowels of your heart

648
00:43:50,240 --> 00:43:54,770
screaming out in pain, that's what it is.

649
00:43:56,580 --> 00:43:59,330
And I had a choice.

650
00:44:01,405 --> 00:44:02,785
And life is a choice.

651
00:44:02,955 --> 00:44:04,665
Life is a series of choices.

652
00:44:04,665 --> 00:44:05,845
It's all it is.

653
00:44:06,205 --> 00:44:08,365
It's not about what happens in life.

654
00:44:08,365 --> 00:44:16,055
It's about how we choose to navigate where
it is we find ourselves in adversity.

655
00:44:17,675 --> 00:44:19,315
And I had two choices.

656
00:44:19,525 --> 00:44:27,295
My, my choice to the left was join my
wife, uh, in Working through the grief

657
00:44:27,985 --> 00:44:34,165
of losing our 1st and then our 2nd
child and actually our 3rd oldest or 2nd

658
00:44:34,165 --> 00:44:37,095
oldest Claire was hospitalized 3 times.

659
00:44:37,735 --> 00:44:40,545
It was on her deathbed and barely made it.

660
00:44:40,985 --> 00:44:44,635
And so that's in there too.

661
00:44:44,835 --> 00:44:45,375
Um.

662
00:44:47,165 --> 00:44:53,135
I had a choice to join my wife
and, as a couple, go through and

663
00:44:53,135 --> 00:44:55,785
grieve properly, as I call it.

664
00:44:56,515 --> 00:44:58,905
And there are, there
are six stages of grief.

665
00:44:58,905 --> 00:45:03,105
As you read about grief, there are
typically six stages that you go through.

666
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:05,900
And I could have chose that.

667
00:45:06,430 --> 00:45:09,900
And that was a, that was an opportunity.

668
00:45:11,140 --> 00:45:13,420
And I, I decided not to.

669
00:45:15,070 --> 00:45:20,500
The choices we make have everything to
do with the, with the consequences that

670
00:45:20,500 --> 00:45:22,130
could be ahead of us down the road.

671
00:45:22,380 --> 00:45:23,310
And it was for me.

672
00:45:24,220 --> 00:45:28,245
What I thought was, I want
to get rid of the hurt.

673
00:45:29,565 --> 00:45:31,635
I don't want to think about this.

674
00:45:31,705 --> 00:45:39,495
I don't want to sit and, and be in this,
just in a pool of tears, and snot running

675
00:45:39,505 --> 00:45:45,915
down my nose, and not knowing, forgetting
what day, or what month it is, and just go

676
00:45:45,915 --> 00:45:50,235
into this oblivion of pain through grief.

677
00:45:50,235 --> 00:45:57,555
And I thought, if I could just
soothe, if I could just find something

678
00:45:57,605 --> 00:45:59,355
that would help me feel better.

679
00:45:59,610 --> 00:46:03,210
In the interim, it could be a
short, it could have a short

680
00:46:03,210 --> 00:46:08,670
window to it, or it could be a
long lasting relief from this pain.

681
00:46:09,600 --> 00:46:11,260
I think that I like that better.

682
00:46:11,260 --> 00:46:12,650
I like that choice better.

683
00:46:13,500 --> 00:46:19,870
And at the time, Brent, it was my
work that provided me, that was my

684
00:46:19,870 --> 00:46:23,400
first wave of relief that I chose.

685
00:46:24,030 --> 00:46:28,280
And in college basketball, if
you're doing it right, you, you

686
00:46:28,280 --> 00:46:30,710
work in 70 to 80 hours a week.

687
00:46:31,170 --> 00:46:35,150
So I just ramped that
up another 15, 20 hours.

688
00:46:35,190 --> 00:46:37,330
And I literally was in the office.

689
00:46:37,610 --> 00:46:41,475
So I didn't have to entertain the pain.

690
00:46:42,595 --> 00:46:46,005
And so I used overworking
and I know a lot of men do.

691
00:46:47,205 --> 00:46:55,435
Um, my second level of soothing and
relieving myself of pain became alcohol

692
00:46:55,965 --> 00:46:58,655
and alcohol was always important to me.

693
00:46:58,655 --> 00:47:02,845
It's, I always thought it was kind of
something you did as a coach because

694
00:47:02,855 --> 00:47:07,340
all the coaches I knew growing up Uh,
drank and I thought, I thought that

695
00:47:07,340 --> 00:47:12,250
that was just, um, well, I was going to
continue that because that always took

696
00:47:12,250 --> 00:47:19,120
me to a place where I felt like I could
just even out and not think about the

697
00:47:19,120 --> 00:47:21,070
things that I didn't want to think about.

698
00:47:21,840 --> 00:47:29,940
So I ramped that up and for quite a while,
it was those two that, that I leaned on.

699
00:47:30,110 --> 00:47:35,560
When those weren't enough, it became
pornography and I chose pornography.

700
00:47:36,245 --> 00:47:39,265
Um, I wasn't led down that path.

701
00:47:39,265 --> 00:47:41,765
I wasn't guided down that road.

702
00:47:41,815 --> 00:47:43,215
I wasn't anything.

703
00:47:43,810 --> 00:47:50,390
But, and, uh, I'll talk about how
important this is taking responsibility

704
00:47:50,390 --> 00:47:58,350
for my choices, but, uh, I decided, uh,
that I was going to purchase a computer.

705
00:47:58,380 --> 00:48:02,710
I had just lost a job in Florida
and was really down on myself

706
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:04,430
and really in a pity party.

707
00:48:04,790 --> 00:48:07,730
I was out of coaching for a
year and didn't know if I'd ever

708
00:48:07,730 --> 00:48:09,680
get involved in coaching again.

709
00:48:11,645 --> 00:48:16,195
Uh, this home computer, when home
computers became a big thing, was, was

710
00:48:16,195 --> 00:48:20,205
sitting there on my desk, and I remember
turning it on, and I remember wondering,

711
00:48:20,785 --> 00:48:24,255
They say that there's everything in
the world on, on these computers.

712
00:48:24,275 --> 00:48:31,675
I wonder, and I chose at some point to
access pornography on that computer.

713
00:48:32,585 --> 00:48:41,035
I chose at some point to access, uh,
uh, pornography on that computer in

714
00:48:41,055 --> 00:48:49,415
different formats from pictures to
video to, and, and ended up being, um,

715
00:48:49,445 --> 00:48:52,905
a chat room, uh, where I met my demise.

716
00:48:54,420 --> 00:49:02,350
Um, addictions have a way of, of going
in waves and at least in pornography,

717
00:49:02,610 --> 00:49:08,430
when whatever it is that I was involved
in, whether it was video, let's say.

718
00:49:09,420 --> 00:49:14,560
It gets to the point where it
wears out the thrill wears off,

719
00:49:15,140 --> 00:49:17,120
and it's what's the next high?

720
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:19,480
What's the next thing?

721
00:49:20,540 --> 00:49:24,050
Um, and I don't like to compare
alcohol with pornography.

722
00:49:24,050 --> 00:49:29,470
I don't like to compare, um,
drugs with with pornography.

723
00:49:29,470 --> 00:49:32,640
I'll just, I'll just stick to the
way I saw it with pornography, but

724
00:49:32,640 --> 00:49:34,160
I got the point where we're off.

725
00:49:35,450 --> 00:49:42,340
And I knew this though, and I know there
are a lot of people are going to resonate

726
00:49:42,340 --> 00:49:43,700
with the next thing I'm going to say.

727
00:49:45,750 --> 00:49:51,700
I knew that pornography was
wrong inherently and morally.

728
00:49:51,810 --> 00:49:57,050
I knew that I was totally
betraying my wife and my marriage

729
00:49:57,330 --> 00:49:58,840
by accessing pornography.

730
00:49:59,350 --> 00:50:03,920
And I, I knew there was everything
wrong with it and nothing right with it.

731
00:50:04,120 --> 00:50:08,710
Except for internally me
feeling like I got it.

732
00:50:08,810 --> 00:50:12,330
I got a little bit of a
respite from the pain.

733
00:50:12,690 --> 00:50:20,860
And to me, that was worth it at the time
on this leveling up with pornography.

734
00:50:21,910 --> 00:50:23,300
It took me to a place.

735
00:50:24,345 --> 00:50:30,235
Where I guess I had always been in
my head, you know, that they say

736
00:50:30,235 --> 00:50:33,575
there, there's, there's, there's
the pornography of your mind and

737
00:50:33,575 --> 00:50:35,425
then there's actual pornography.

738
00:50:36,345 --> 00:50:40,605
Well, the pornography in my mind are all
the things that I had wondered about from,

739
00:50:40,605 --> 00:50:47,675
from a youth from the first time I saw
that, that bit butane lighter on the, on

740
00:50:47,675 --> 00:50:50,545
the, on the grade school, uh, playground.

741
00:50:50,870 --> 00:50:56,490
That's the first time that I saw
the naked, uh, form of a female.

742
00:50:57,190 --> 00:51:03,060
And that shaped to me, and that is
ingrained in my mind, it's shaped to me,

743
00:51:03,140 --> 00:51:11,655
what And since I saw it and I liked it
and I thought it was pretty cool, then

744
00:51:11,685 --> 00:51:13,415
I always thought it was pretty cool.

745
00:51:14,255 --> 00:51:16,365
Well, we're years down the road now.

746
00:51:16,365 --> 00:51:17,545
I'm in my early 40s.

747
00:51:17,625 --> 00:51:19,875
I'm not in third grade anymore.

748
00:51:20,115 --> 00:51:23,865
But isn't it amazing how that
fascination is still there?

749
00:51:25,095 --> 00:51:30,125
And, and it was a chat room one
night that I decided to get into.

750
00:51:30,125 --> 00:51:36,135
And for the folks that don't know, all a
chat room is, is, A group of people decide

751
00:51:36,135 --> 00:51:45,075
to under a, under a topic or a, uh, a
title or a, you know, a, a different, um,

752
00:51:46,165 --> 00:51:51,845
fascination, if you would, um, you enter
a room with other people and you have a

753
00:51:51,865 --> 00:51:56,175
conversation by typing words onto a page.

754
00:51:56,885 --> 00:52:04,035
That's literally what it is and how
I found that so alluring and arousing

755
00:52:04,465 --> 00:52:10,265
and drew me to it so much after all the
pornography I'd seen in this journey of

756
00:52:10,265 --> 00:52:14,515
mine, I don't know how you think that
would be one of the first levels for me.

757
00:52:14,515 --> 00:52:15,905
That was the last level.

758
00:52:16,875 --> 00:52:21,965
Thank goodness because obviously a
person to person contact would be

759
00:52:21,975 --> 00:52:23,865
that would be the last level to me.

760
00:52:24,165 --> 00:52:31,035
And I, and I never, I, I was never, um, in
that place, thank goodness I can say that.

761
00:52:31,455 --> 00:52:34,245
But this would have been
probably the level before it.

762
00:52:34,765 --> 00:52:39,015
And, but you, you type in,
uh, things to other people.

763
00:52:39,015 --> 00:52:42,655
Well, what I'm typing in are the
things that had always been in this

764
00:52:42,695 --> 00:52:45,595
mental pornography place in my mind.

765
00:52:46,105 --> 00:52:49,525
That I'd always wondered about or always
wanted to say or always thought about.

766
00:52:50,425 --> 00:52:51,665
And I'm typing away.

767
00:52:53,015 --> 00:52:57,735
And it was, it was very sexually charged.

768
00:52:58,895 --> 00:53:06,835
What I didn't know that night was there
was someone in that room who is acting,

769
00:53:07,245 --> 00:53:11,745
uh, or was purporting to be at least in
the chat room, cause you can choose to be

770
00:53:11,745 --> 00:53:20,425
who you want, you know, gender age, and it
was purporting to be a, a teenage female

771
00:53:21,985 --> 00:53:28,395
and so was involved in the conversation I
was having and after the chat room ended

772
00:53:29,445 --> 00:53:35,965
this person who happened to be 43 years
old and was a male I found out later.

773
00:53:37,050 --> 00:53:41,930
Called the exploited children's
hotline and, and turned me in and,

774
00:53:42,010 --> 00:53:46,330
and, uh, shared with them information
on the chat that we just had.

775
00:53:48,770 --> 00:54:00,360
So I'm here to tell you guys that
what you think is a harmless picture,

776
00:54:01,490 --> 00:54:07,410
a harmless download, in my case,
images that I received via email,

777
00:54:11,610 --> 00:54:20,375
videos, and all the other Ways, shapes,
and forms of pornography, including

778
00:54:20,585 --> 00:54:24,465
chat rooms, aren't that big of a deal.

779
00:54:25,585 --> 00:54:31,405
You have absolutely deceived yourself.

780
00:54:33,585 --> 00:54:35,875
The mind is so powerful.

781
00:54:36,415 --> 00:54:41,165
And Brent, I had deceived myself
because I had created a world in

782
00:54:41,165 --> 00:54:43,555
my mind that made all of this okay.

783
00:54:46,295 --> 00:54:54,915
And when you make things okay,
by saying I deserve pornography.

784
00:54:54,925 --> 00:54:56,805
Men look at pornography, right?

785
00:54:56,805 --> 00:54:59,235
You and I could see it and
probably come up with a thousand

786
00:54:59,235 --> 00:55:01,365
reasons right now why it's okay.

787
00:55:02,545 --> 00:55:04,705
And when it's only you.

788
00:55:05,920 --> 00:55:08,300
You can create that
kind of self deception.

789
00:55:09,790 --> 00:55:17,920
The power of more than me is, is the
power of going in the right direction and

790
00:55:17,920 --> 00:55:20,090
not continuing in the wrong direction.

791
00:55:20,560 --> 00:55:24,520
So I was living a secret life and
it lasted six and a half years with

792
00:55:24,520 --> 00:55:29,460
pornography and not one human being
on this earth knew about it beyond me.

793
00:55:30,920 --> 00:55:36,590
Now my maker knew, and I, I, I thought
I was tricky and was just going

794
00:55:36,590 --> 00:55:38,490
to slide him into this little box.

795
00:55:38,490 --> 00:55:38,540
Okay.

796
00:55:38,800 --> 00:55:42,590
So that he wouldn't see me and didn't
know that this was going on in my life.

797
00:55:43,260 --> 00:55:44,640
Yeah, I'm real tricky.

798
00:55:45,540 --> 00:55:48,980
Tricky enough to, to be in
a nine by twelve foot cell,

799
00:55:49,350 --> 00:55:50,550
uh, for two years, right?

800
00:55:50,570 --> 00:55:51,760
That's how tricky I was.

801
00:55:54,850 --> 00:56:05,290
It, it, it is so, it, it's so scary
how we just can incrementally.

802
00:56:06,595 --> 00:56:10,605
get involved in pornography to the
point where we're going to build

803
00:56:10,605 --> 00:56:15,295
ourselves a house and it's our
house and nobody's going to know

804
00:56:15,295 --> 00:56:17,005
what goes on inside that house.

805
00:56:17,625 --> 00:56:21,825
And I say, when I speak on, on,
on the topic of pornography, and

806
00:56:22,045 --> 00:56:24,545
I'm glad I thought of this cause
I always want to get this out.

807
00:56:26,295 --> 00:56:31,145
There's three A's that have to do
with pornography and that's why it

808
00:56:31,165 --> 00:56:37,325
is so pervasive and so destroying so
many families and marriages today.

809
00:56:37,325 --> 00:56:37,365
Okay.

810
00:56:38,595 --> 00:56:41,275
It has become acceptable.

811
00:56:42,645 --> 00:56:46,275
Pornography from television to
billboards to what's on our cell

812
00:56:46,275 --> 00:56:48,815
phone has become acceptable.

813
00:56:48,835 --> 00:56:54,535
The way people talk, sexual innuendos,
it has, it didn't used to be.

814
00:56:54,615 --> 00:56:58,805
I grew up in the days of Leave it to
Beaver, okay, in Gilligan's Island.

815
00:56:59,205 --> 00:57:00,675
I, you know, we didn't know that.

816
00:57:00,705 --> 00:57:03,015
We didn't live like that.

817
00:57:04,195 --> 00:57:07,455
Our world wasn't like that,
but it's become acceptable.

818
00:57:07,905 --> 00:57:12,625
Okay, it has become incredibly available.

819
00:57:15,995 --> 00:57:22,765
I mean, I asked a college classroom
one day at a university at Iowa State

820
00:57:22,765 --> 00:57:26,545
University where I was, uh, where
I was still living in Ames, Iowa.

821
00:57:26,705 --> 00:57:30,705
How quick, how quick could we
get the first person if we had a

822
00:57:30,705 --> 00:57:34,745
contest who could access pornography
on their phone the quickest?

823
00:57:35,005 --> 00:57:37,285
How long would it take
you to access pornography?

824
00:57:38,005 --> 00:57:42,255
The answer was three seconds, which
means the window was already up.

825
00:57:42,285 --> 00:57:44,235
They just had to hit the
right button to access it.

826
00:57:45,705 --> 00:57:46,445
Scary.

827
00:57:47,805 --> 00:57:48,665
Available.

828
00:57:51,225 --> 00:57:54,655
The third one though, is
the absolute clincher.

829
00:57:54,735 --> 00:57:59,725
And to me, for me, it's part of my
story, but I know this to be true.

830
00:58:00,335 --> 00:58:05,985
And as our listeners are hearing this,
you can either nod yes or nod no, but the

831
00:58:05,985 --> 00:58:14,160
idea of Anonymity with pornography, can
the fact that it can be anonymous to me is

832
00:58:14,170 --> 00:58:18,410
the thing that just puts the last stake.

833
00:58:19,800 --> 00:58:24,290
Into the box and, and it's over.

834
00:58:24,870 --> 00:58:25,210
Okay.

835
00:58:25,210 --> 00:58:29,750
Because if you can do things that you
know, other people would find deplorable

836
00:58:29,780 --> 00:58:35,170
that you find deplorable and to go
against your faith and to go against

837
00:58:35,170 --> 00:58:39,160
the morals of your family and what
your wife believes in your marriage.

838
00:58:40,220 --> 00:58:49,155
If you, if you create a world where that's
okay, anonymity, Is is the final thing

839
00:58:49,175 --> 00:58:55,305
it's the 3rd thing and those 3 things
right there to me explain why pornography

840
00:58:56,195 --> 00:58:58,915
is so prevalent and so destructive.

841
00:59:00,065 --> 00:59:05,275
So, if you want to know, you know,
there are assessments men can,

842
00:59:05,305 --> 00:59:06,515
you know, a lot of men can take.

843
00:59:06,900 --> 00:59:09,450
Out there that, that will say,
where are you on the scale?

844
00:59:09,630 --> 00:59:13,440
You know, are, are you, do you have
a problem with, uh, uh, pornography?

845
00:59:13,440 --> 00:59:16,340
Are you addicted to porno pornography?

846
00:59:16,370 --> 00:59:22,190
Maybe, well, you can do the assessment or
you can just ask, ask yourself how you,

847
00:59:22,280 --> 00:59:23,751
how you weigh in on those three things.

848
00:59:25,265 --> 00:59:31,215
And if you say yes, and yes, and
yes, then there is no question

849
00:59:32,355 --> 00:59:33,465
that you've got an issue.

850
00:59:34,215 --> 00:59:40,525
All that issue is going to do
is get bigger unless you share

851
00:59:41,115 --> 00:59:43,265
your pain with somebody else.

852
00:59:43,425 --> 00:59:48,555
And if you do, you got a
real chance of it dissolving.

853
00:59:49,545 --> 00:59:54,975
Picture a sugar cube sitting out
on, on a piece of concrete on your

854
00:59:54,975 --> 00:59:56,575
sidewalk in front of your house.

855
00:59:56,615 --> 00:59:57,715
And then picture.

856
00:59:58,035 --> 01:00:03,265
A torrential downpour and that thing
is going to disappear in a hurry.

857
01:00:03,730 --> 01:00:07,280
And that's what will happen
to your fixation and your

858
01:00:07,960 --> 01:00:10,170
being drawn to pornography.

859
01:00:10,380 --> 01:00:14,410
If you share what's going on in
your life with one other person.

860
01:00:16,070 --> 01:00:18,410
So say all you want to about the A's.

861
01:00:18,660 --> 01:00:19,160
Okay.

862
01:00:19,300 --> 01:00:21,680
The A's have you and you
can say yes about them.

863
01:00:22,630 --> 01:00:24,720
I'm telling you the only way out.

864
01:00:25,860 --> 01:00:28,440
You might be able to do it
on your own, but I doubt it.

865
01:00:29,370 --> 01:00:29,580
Okay.

866
01:00:29,580 --> 01:00:33,620
Statistics will say you got a,
you got a really small chance.

867
01:00:34,520 --> 01:00:37,740
One way I know for sure that
can get you out of it is to

868
01:00:37,740 --> 01:00:41,100
share it with one other man.

869
01:00:43,610 --> 01:00:44,730
It can be your brother.

870
01:00:46,020 --> 01:00:47,810
It can be a good close friend.

871
01:00:47,900 --> 01:00:50,160
It can be somebody you don't
know that well, but you just

872
01:00:50,160 --> 01:00:51,430
want to get it off your chest.

873
01:00:51,840 --> 01:00:58,460
And the power of sharing that will
give the potential for that sugar

874
01:00:58,460 --> 01:01:01,710
cube to disappear on that sidewalk.

875
01:01:02,420 --> 01:01:03,280
The power.

876
01:01:04,440 --> 01:01:08,450
Brent, we're talking about secrecy
and we're talking about hiding.

877
01:01:08,900 --> 01:01:13,710
We're talking about not coming forth with
those things that shame us and when we

878
01:01:13,710 --> 01:01:22,350
hold them, they are so Dangerous and I
can't implore enough To those that are

879
01:01:22,370 --> 01:01:27,390
gonna have a chance to listen to this
that if you're in that place where you're

880
01:01:27,410 --> 01:01:29,810
tired of it You know, what's wrong?

881
01:01:29,820 --> 01:01:31,150
You want to get it out of your life?

882
01:01:32,630 --> 01:01:37,740
Call a friend meet him for coffee
and pour it out baby pour it out

883
01:01:39,020 --> 01:01:44,170
and it will disband Now there'll
be a lot of work behind that.

884
01:01:44,170 --> 01:01:46,160
I'm not saying it's just some magic trick.

885
01:01:46,350 --> 01:01:48,960
There'll be a lot of work behind
it because you have, you have

886
01:01:48,960 --> 01:01:53,520
a lot of habits built up to how
you watch it, when you watch

887
01:01:53,550 --> 01:01:56,730
pornography, uh, what, what you watch.

888
01:01:59,430 --> 01:02:00,140
I'm telling you.

889
01:02:01,840 --> 01:02:02,350
You got it.

890
01:02:02,390 --> 01:02:03,570
You got a way out.

891
01:02:04,080 --> 01:02:04,690
You do.

892
01:02:04,800 --> 01:02:05,780
And it's beautiful.

893
01:02:05,820 --> 01:02:08,940
And I've seen it work 1000
times and it worked for me.

894
01:02:09,930 --> 01:02:13,360
Unfortunately for me, it worked.

895
01:02:13,360 --> 01:02:17,520
Brent because two federal agents
walked in my office as as I broke

896
01:02:17,520 --> 01:02:21,960
down a videotape of the Nebraska
Cornhuskers for a future game.

897
01:02:22,770 --> 01:02:28,390
And they asked me some questions to
where I knew that they knew and they

898
01:02:28,390 --> 01:02:31,530
became my My buddy having coffee.

899
01:02:32,690 --> 01:02:33,150
Okay.

900
01:02:33,350 --> 01:02:39,480
And, and I chose, I chose to listen to
him and come clean, but they gave me an

901
01:02:39,480 --> 01:02:42,280
opportunity and that, that was my gift.

902
01:02:42,880 --> 01:02:44,170
That was the gift that I had.

903
01:02:44,470 --> 01:02:48,940
But I guess the gift that, that our
listeners have is you, you're the real

904
01:02:48,950 --> 01:02:55,190
gift because you, you have sat there 250
sometimes and talked about issues that

905
01:02:55,200 --> 01:02:58,330
men can get help with and how to get help.

906
01:02:58,805 --> 01:03:00,405
For all kinds of different things.

907
01:03:00,475 --> 01:03:04,215
And today we're just talking about
how they can do it with pornography

908
01:03:04,215 --> 01:03:07,755
and alcohol and other things,
but a secret life is no fun.

909
01:03:07,755 --> 01:03:11,235
It's fun for a while,
but now it's no good.

910
01:03:12,740 --> 01:03:17,670
Randy, one of the reasons we're having
this conversation today is when you

911
01:03:17,670 --> 01:03:21,310
and I first made contact and started
talking about doing the show and

912
01:03:21,320 --> 01:03:25,560
reading your book, one of the things
that was just overwhelmingly present

913
01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:32,360
throughout your book, throughout, uh,
the work you're doing now is you took

914
01:03:32,360 --> 01:03:37,080
responsibility for your life, for
your choices, things that were even

915
01:03:37,080 --> 01:03:38,540
seemingly outside of your control.

916
01:03:38,950 --> 01:03:41,430
You've taken personal
responsibility for a lot of it.

917
01:03:42,030 --> 01:03:45,830
As you move, gone through it, as you
pass through those moments, you've

918
01:03:45,830 --> 01:03:48,250
looked back and gone, this was me.

919
01:03:48,540 --> 01:03:49,970
I chose these things.

920
01:03:50,000 --> 01:03:51,040
I made these choices.

921
01:03:51,070 --> 01:03:57,450
I did this instead of blaming other
people instead of, and I'm sure in the

922
01:03:57,450 --> 01:04:00,430
moment, there were those burned down
moments where you're just like, Oh,

923
01:04:00,440 --> 01:04:05,380
the world's against me, but you've come
through on this side of these things,

924
01:04:05,520 --> 01:04:09,010
taking full responsibility for your
choices and everything you did along the

925
01:04:09,010 --> 01:04:14,870
way, even things totally outside of your
control, like your daughter's And that's

926
01:04:14,870 --> 01:04:17,300
part of the reason we're having this
conversation, because for me, that's,

927
01:04:17,320 --> 01:04:21,570
that's huge personal responsibility
is something that we're very, very

928
01:04:21,570 --> 01:04:25,450
much behind here at the fallible man.

929
01:04:26,270 --> 01:04:33,010
And so on this side of
this unreal story, right?

930
01:04:33,480 --> 01:04:37,320
You, you were a division one
basketball coach, which most

931
01:04:37,320 --> 01:04:38,720
people can't even imagine.

932
01:04:39,170 --> 01:04:44,990
That life, uh, I, I see, I, I've
coached little kids, but, you know,

933
01:04:45,300 --> 01:04:49,360
at that level, I, I have a lot more
respect for division one players than

934
01:04:49,360 --> 01:04:51,800
I do even for professional athletes.

935
01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:57,890
You've coached, you've been through
these things with your family, with

936
01:04:57,890 --> 01:05:03,974
your choices on this side of the
story, what's the biggest takeaway?

937
01:05:04,235 --> 01:05:06,605
You've had before we
roll to our next break.

938
01:05:10,475 --> 01:05:11,015
Oh my God.

939
01:05:23,855 --> 01:05:25,235
The fact that,

940
01:05:28,275 --> 01:05:33,115
that we're on this show
together means so much to me.

941
01:05:35,215 --> 01:05:37,365
The, and, and the fact that

942
01:05:41,935 --> 01:05:52,265
people, the people I was surrounded
with, I, I, I hope if people could see.

943
01:05:53,440 --> 01:05:58,870
My parents, my face of my, both
of my parents, that's the face.

944
01:05:58,870 --> 01:06:04,000
I wish they could see when they saw me
and if they could see my two brothers

945
01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:10,330
and my sister and David staff, I wish
they could see those faces when they

946
01:06:10,330 --> 01:06:17,730
see me and all the players I coached and
all the guys I coached with, and then my

947
01:06:17,730 --> 01:06:23,470
dear friends, and I have some dear, dear
friends, and if you could see the face of

948
01:06:23,480 --> 01:06:30,260
those guys, when they see me, because I
am, I'm simply, I know this, I'm simply

949
01:06:30,420 --> 01:06:38,970
the product of a combination of being open
minded and, and being willing to listen to

950
01:06:41,380 --> 01:06:43,700
the words of the people I just mentioned.

951
01:06:44,420 --> 01:06:47,750
and those people being there for me.

952
01:06:47,800 --> 01:06:58,200
Without that, I'm not here because I
am not so full of wisdom that I would

953
01:06:58,200 --> 01:07:03,280
have made the decisions in the aftermath
of what we've already talked about.

954
01:07:03,615 --> 01:07:05,185
To get me to this place.

955
01:07:05,225 --> 01:07:06,135
I couldn't have done it.

956
01:07:07,285 --> 01:07:09,285
I couldn't have, I'm too human.

957
01:07:10,295 --> 01:07:10,675
Okay.

958
01:07:12,695 --> 01:07:20,515
The people that I just mentioned, I owe
my, I owe everything to everything because

959
01:07:20,525 --> 01:07:27,435
they had, and especially in the aftermath,
you know, that they had, they had it in

960
01:07:27,435 --> 01:07:34,125
their heart to gauge the value and, and
the, and the price of our relationship.

961
01:07:35,160 --> 01:07:42,870
To be worthy enough to come to this
guy's rescue to say, we don't condone

962
01:07:42,880 --> 01:07:48,090
what you did certainly and I wouldn't
expect you to do it with me, but man,

963
01:07:48,650 --> 01:07:53,850
you, this is a part of the show where
I can really get emotional because I

964
01:07:53,850 --> 01:07:59,100
remember these guys from my brother to my
parents to, to, to, to my deep friends.

965
01:07:59,880 --> 01:08:05,910
I remember him saying, but you know,
man, uh, there is nothing in this world.

966
01:08:07,615 --> 01:08:14,175
That would keep me from coming to
your rescue and giving you a hug

967
01:08:14,675 --> 01:08:20,165
and hugging you so tight that you're
going to lose your breath because I

968
01:08:20,165 --> 01:08:25,305
am here for you because you are my
brother and no matter what happens,

969
01:08:27,125 --> 01:08:28,345
I'm going to be here for you.

970
01:08:34,095 --> 01:08:35,665
That's that's everything.

971
01:08:36,425 --> 01:08:40,845
And that's the, that's the only way I
can answer that question because without

972
01:08:40,845 --> 01:08:42,975
that, I'm not, I'm not an entity.

973
01:08:43,245 --> 01:08:44,135
I'm not here.

974
01:08:44,845 --> 01:08:45,955
I didn't write the book.

975
01:08:46,300 --> 01:08:47,700
Oh, I don't know you.

976
01:08:50,720 --> 01:08:57,770
Um, the people we surround
ourselves with that are done at a

977
01:08:57,770 --> 01:09:00,550
depth of relationship and done in.

978
01:09:01,115 --> 01:09:04,095
And integrity and our
friends for the right reasons

979
01:09:08,335 --> 01:09:10,155
are immeasurable.

980
01:09:13,745 --> 01:09:16,655
They can't, you can't put
a price on these people

981
01:09:25,445 --> 01:09:29,825
and for them just to be there,
whether I saw them or not that day,

982
01:09:29,825 --> 01:09:32,485
you know, there's some, there's
some tough days in prison, man.

983
01:09:32,485 --> 01:09:36,165
There's some, it's, it's
a, it's a bad place.

984
01:09:36,475 --> 01:09:38,835
It's a negative, bad place.

985
01:09:38,855 --> 01:09:42,275
And there's some bad days, man.

986
01:09:42,275 --> 01:09:45,485
And I would think of these guys faces
and just start laughing because I

987
01:09:45,485 --> 01:09:47,015
knew we were going to have our time.

988
01:09:47,550 --> 01:09:50,390
And I knew my mom wrote me every day.

989
01:09:50,770 --> 01:09:56,710
My pastor wrote me every
day, every day for 635 days.

990
01:09:56,760 --> 01:09:57,690
Who does that?

991
01:09:59,290 --> 01:10:00,240
Who can do that?

992
01:10:00,250 --> 01:10:01,700
Who wants to do that?

993
01:10:03,050 --> 01:10:08,930
Um, so I would, to answer your
question, that, that's what got me,

994
01:10:10,710 --> 01:10:14,350
that, that's what ushered in the
guy that you're seeing right now.

995
01:10:15,000 --> 01:10:21,020
Because without them, I know I was not
strong enough and I wasn't built in a

996
01:10:21,020 --> 01:10:22,700
way where I could have done it on my own.

997
01:10:24,080 --> 01:10:28,540
And then, and then, I'll say this,
but there are people hearing my voice

998
01:10:28,540 --> 01:10:31,280
right now who are living on their own.

999
01:10:32,650 --> 01:10:35,460
Who maybe haven't got caught yet.

1000
01:10:35,740 --> 01:10:39,100
Maybe haven't been embarrassed yet.

1001
01:10:39,220 --> 01:10:43,350
Maybe haven't lost that job because
they're showing up drunk at work.

1002
01:10:44,780 --> 01:10:46,610
But this is a forewarning.

1003
01:10:47,685 --> 01:10:52,855
These tears are real and this is a
forewarning that if you try to do it

1004
01:10:52,855 --> 01:10:55,495
on your own, you're not strong enough.

1005
01:10:56,725 --> 01:10:58,405
I'm just telling you, you're not.

1006
01:10:58,715 --> 01:11:05,145
And you're one conversation and
one cup of coffee away, erasing the

1007
01:11:05,145 --> 01:11:07,025
chances of any of this happening.

1008
01:11:07,195 --> 01:11:08,505
I already went to prison.

1009
01:11:08,535 --> 01:11:09,945
I did the time for you.

1010
01:11:11,685 --> 01:11:16,065
You know, I have, and, and
I don't want you to do it.

1011
01:11:16,535 --> 01:11:18,155
Transfer your pain to me.

1012
01:11:20,005 --> 01:11:25,745
That's why I do what I do, because
I have an opportunity to, so

1013
01:11:25,815 --> 01:11:28,555
short answer, people in your life.

1014
01:11:30,875 --> 01:11:33,715
As we've been discussing resilience,
responsibility, reflection.

1015
01:11:34,275 --> 01:11:35,875
In this next part of the show,
we're going to dive into picking

1016
01:11:36,055 --> 01:11:37,795
yourself up after you fall down.

1017
01:11:38,145 --> 01:11:40,505
We're going to roll our sponsor and we'll
be right back with more from Randy Brown.

1018
01:11:42,235 --> 01:11:44,115
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1019
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1020
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1021
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1022
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1023
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1024
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1025
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1032
01:12:14,790 --> 01:12:17,290
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1033
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1036
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1037
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1038
01:12:36,540 --> 01:12:38,400
Now, let's dive back into the show.

1039
01:12:38,940 --> 01:12:39,930
Guys, welcome back.

1040
01:12:39,980 --> 01:12:43,190
In the last part of the show, we discussed
resilience, responsibility, reflection.

1041
01:12:43,620 --> 01:12:45,030
In this part of the show,
we're gonna talk about picking

1042
01:12:45,030 --> 01:12:46,940
yourself up after you fall down.

1043
01:12:47,490 --> 01:12:49,490
Now, if you've been around the
show for any time, you might

1044
01:12:49,510 --> 01:12:50,910
understand I'm a Batman guy.

1045
01:12:51,725 --> 01:12:55,535
And one of my favorite things ever
from the newer Batman movies was

1046
01:12:55,545 --> 01:12:58,575
there's a line that says when Alfred
looks at Bruce Wayne and goes,

1047
01:12:58,595 --> 01:13:00,175
why do we fall down, Master Bruce?

1048
01:13:00,875 --> 01:13:02,955
We fall down so we can
learn to pick ourselves up.

1049
01:13:03,845 --> 01:13:07,665
That line from Batman Begins
encapsulates a profound truth.

1050
01:13:08,255 --> 01:13:09,325
Falling down is part of life.

1051
01:13:09,395 --> 01:13:10,115
It's inevitable.

1052
01:13:11,135 --> 01:13:14,485
But it's a process of getting back
up that we discover our strength,

1053
01:13:14,525 --> 01:13:16,175
resilience, and capacity for growth.

1054
01:13:16,795 --> 01:13:19,435
Every setback offers an
opportunity to learn, to become

1055
01:13:19,435 --> 01:13:20,645
wiser and to become stronger.

1056
01:13:21,285 --> 01:13:24,055
It's not, it's through facing
challenges and overcoming obstacles

1057
01:13:24,055 --> 01:13:25,715
that we truly become our best selves.

1058
01:13:26,535 --> 01:13:31,060
Now, Randy has shared part of the story
and you guys, like I said, The book will

1059
01:13:31,060 --> 01:13:34,910
be on my bookshelf on the website, as well
as I'm sure on Amazon or anywhere else,

1060
01:13:34,910 --> 01:13:36,440
and we'll have links for it down below.

1061
01:13:38,280 --> 01:13:41,950
Randy's been through the big
hurt, as you use the term.

1062
01:13:42,650 --> 01:13:45,200
Randy has been through some hard times.

1063
01:13:45,350 --> 01:13:50,640
He's watched his life get destroyed by his
choices, and now he's on this side of it.

1064
01:13:51,720 --> 01:13:58,300
And in this next few moments,
Randy, if you would help us, how

1065
01:13:58,300 --> 01:13:59,670
do we start to pick ourselves up?

1066
01:13:59,790 --> 01:14:04,820
Because this is the
question really matters.

1067
01:14:04,830 --> 01:14:04,984
Thank you so much.

1068
01:14:05,355 --> 01:14:09,175
Because we're all going to fall down at
some point and maybe a big fall down.

1069
01:14:09,175 --> 01:14:14,105
It might be a small fall down, but
being able to get back up, that takes

1070
01:14:14,135 --> 01:14:17,275
effort and it's not always an easy path.

1071
01:14:18,395 --> 01:14:22,755
So how do we start to pick ourselves
back up from these hard things?

1072
01:14:25,285 --> 01:14:28,385
When I was in prison, I
adopted the word perspective.

1073
01:14:28,395 --> 01:14:31,975
Perspective is a word that was
in the dictionary at the time.

1074
01:14:31,975 --> 01:14:34,395
And I knew it was just a
word in the English language.

1075
01:14:35,165 --> 01:14:38,425
And I didn't know if it's
of the gravity that it had.

1076
01:14:39,265 --> 01:14:42,785
And you, it would keep popping up,
whether it be my devotions in the

1077
01:14:42,785 --> 01:14:47,505
morning, or I'd be reading, um, a
purpose driven life, or I'd be reading

1078
01:14:47,505 --> 01:14:49,345
some books, some biography, whatever.

1079
01:14:49,345 --> 01:14:51,305
And I kept, I kept seeing this word.

1080
01:14:52,945 --> 01:14:58,655
So, to answer that question, I think
it depends on what your perspective is.

1081
01:14:59,015 --> 01:15:01,395
What do you, what's your belief system?

1082
01:15:02,595 --> 01:15:04,525
What do you really believe is true?

1083
01:15:05,570 --> 01:15:11,620
Okay, I want you to think about, and I
know, I know we've all seen this, it's,

1084
01:15:11,680 --> 01:15:16,350
it's the little baby that's in with mom
or dad into the doctor's office, and

1085
01:15:16,350 --> 01:15:22,320
they've got to get their series of shots,
and this child might be six months old,

1086
01:15:22,350 --> 01:15:29,540
might be a year old, and the parent
holds the child, and the doctor comes

1087
01:15:29,540 --> 01:15:37,860
in with a needle that's too long, and
is they're giving the baby these shots.

1088
01:15:38,560 --> 01:15:45,390
I want you to think about the face of
this child, the sheer terror on the face.

1089
01:15:46,580 --> 01:15:51,830
And they're looking at their parent
as this pain is being inflicted.

1090
01:15:52,460 --> 01:15:55,410
And their parent is like, it'll be okay.

1091
01:15:55,410 --> 01:15:56,310
It's, it's okay.

1092
01:15:56,320 --> 01:15:58,470
We have to have these shots.

1093
01:15:58,940 --> 01:16:00,890
We have, it's gonna help you.

1094
01:16:01,490 --> 01:16:03,050
These shots are going to help.

1095
01:16:03,260 --> 01:16:05,280
You're going to be glad
you got these shots.

1096
01:16:06,990 --> 01:16:12,530
So from a perspective standpoint,
let's take that little example and

1097
01:16:12,530 --> 01:16:14,990
the confusion in that child's face.

1098
01:16:16,160 --> 01:16:23,400
And let's advance it in your life
to a time when you had some serious

1099
01:16:23,420 --> 01:16:27,540
pain and you were looking at, and it
might've been somebody, you know, your

1100
01:16:27,550 --> 01:16:31,970
spouse might've inflicted that pain
by something or decision they made.

1101
01:16:32,300 --> 01:16:33,500
And you're looking at them.

1102
01:16:34,385 --> 01:16:37,755
with tremendous pain
wondering why did you do this?

1103
01:16:38,455 --> 01:16:40,215
You know, what is the deal?

1104
01:16:41,015 --> 01:16:45,305
Or, uh, you know, they
might've had an intervention.

1105
01:16:45,335 --> 01:16:50,245
Let's say they had an intervention
with you and you don't want to come

1106
01:16:50,245 --> 01:16:53,885
clean, but you have to, and you don't
want to go to treatment, but you

1107
01:16:53,885 --> 01:16:58,135
have to, and you don't want to maybe
lose your job, but you might have to.

1108
01:16:58,895 --> 01:17:02,465
And you're looking at them like, why
would you inflict all this pain on me?

1109
01:17:03,155 --> 01:17:04,865
I'm just a little child here.

1110
01:17:06,545 --> 01:17:06,965
And.

1111
01:17:07,540 --> 01:17:15,400
With perspective, though, you understand
what the pain's for the pain is here.

1112
01:17:18,720 --> 01:17:23,880
Misfortune and pain and adversity
and all of those things are

1113
01:17:23,880 --> 01:17:28,920
gonna manifest themselves in
time to something for the good.

1114
01:17:31,060 --> 01:17:33,430
Now it's, it seems like a crazy concept.

1115
01:17:34,420 --> 01:17:37,900
What we don't like and what's
hurtful and what's what we deem

1116
01:17:37,900 --> 01:17:39,970
as bad is going to become good.

1117
01:17:39,970 --> 01:17:41,860
It's gonna be done for the good of us.

1118
01:17:43,315 --> 01:17:47,305
Now, if you can make that part of
your DNA, if you can make that part

1119
01:17:47,305 --> 01:17:53,605
of your belief system, I did because
it was very helpful for me to do that.

1120
01:17:54,625 --> 01:18:00,815
Romans 8 28, look up
Romans 8 28 and read it.

1121
01:18:01,035 --> 01:18:05,645
And I, I used to read it, you know, and
it said, you know, for all these things,

1122
01:18:06,045 --> 01:18:11,305
all these things are being done for
the good of those who trust the Lord.

1123
01:18:11,825 --> 01:18:15,045
I say, well, I trust the Lord, but
he's making some mistakes because

1124
01:18:15,055 --> 01:18:16,175
he doesn't know what he's doing.

1125
01:18:17,470 --> 01:18:19,470
And the idea is he does
know what he's doing.

1126
01:18:20,300 --> 01:18:25,890
So I think it starts with, with getting
up starts with perspective because if

1127
01:18:25,890 --> 01:18:32,050
we don't have a perspective and we get
knocked down and, and Brett, it, it, it

1128
01:18:32,050 --> 01:18:40,060
is so, it is so common for couples to
split and it is so tough is so tough.

1129
01:18:40,110 --> 01:18:44,800
It is so common for people, for
people to turn to addiction.

1130
01:18:45,660 --> 01:18:51,680
And turn to negative behaviors
and make poor choices in adversity

1131
01:18:52,720 --> 01:18:54,390
because it hurts so darn much.

1132
01:18:56,020 --> 01:19:02,410
But as we have that feeling to do
that, we have to know that it's

1133
01:19:02,420 --> 01:19:06,830
worth it to get us to the point, to
get it, to get us to the other side.

1134
01:19:07,850 --> 01:19:08,330
Okay.

1135
01:19:08,830 --> 01:19:18,460
I hope that, and I know that what
you and I have our eyes on doing

1136
01:19:18,630 --> 01:19:22,530
today and doing tomorrow and doing
down the road with other men,

1137
01:19:24,695 --> 01:19:27,995
explains to me what the pain was for.

1138
01:19:29,865 --> 01:19:35,705
It's like the little baby getting the shot
and, and they're being told it's okay.

1139
01:19:35,745 --> 01:19:40,735
I remember my mom and dad, like, I mean, I
felt like I was a child when you lose your

1140
01:19:40,745 --> 01:19:45,585
child and they've lost their grandchild
and I'm, I'm in my mother's clutches and

1141
01:19:45,585 --> 01:19:47,645
I can't, I'm about ready to pass out.

1142
01:19:48,675 --> 01:19:53,775
She's explaining to me that there,
there's God's got, God, God has a plan.

1143
01:19:53,775 --> 01:19:56,970
And You're looking at the wrong
side of the quilt, she would say.

1144
01:19:56,970 --> 01:19:58,460
Look at the good side of the quilt.

1145
01:20:00,090 --> 01:20:00,890
That's where I got that.

1146
01:20:01,870 --> 01:20:05,170
And so perspective is huge.

1147
01:20:05,980 --> 01:20:10,950
You can get to the other side and make
the right choices if you buy into the

1148
01:20:10,950 --> 01:20:18,212
fact that what is coming is going to
make sense of what has happened and

1149
01:20:18,212 --> 01:20:24,360
it's going to be something that is going
to fortify you, build you, make you

1150
01:20:24,360 --> 01:20:27,370
stronger, make you better in adversity.

1151
01:20:27,855 --> 01:20:32,205
So I would say start with
perspective because you know the

1152
01:20:32,205 --> 01:20:34,485
alternative is not very pleasant.

1153
01:20:37,550 --> 01:20:43,160
One of the things I actually do with my
daughters early on I've had my fair share

1154
01:20:43,160 --> 01:20:46,780
of injuries and probably your fair share
and a few other people's fair shares.

1155
01:20:46,780 --> 01:20:48,110
I was an accident prone kid.

1156
01:20:48,150 --> 01:20:50,280
Like I have science issues.

1157
01:20:50,480 --> 01:20:53,330
So my depth perception,
my balance was always off.

1158
01:20:55,050 --> 01:20:58,920
And so I'm not a stranger to pain.

1159
01:20:59,020 --> 01:21:01,060
My doctor actually has
a separate scale for me.

1160
01:21:01,380 --> 01:21:03,520
Uh, no, you know, the typical one to 10.

1161
01:21:03,750 --> 01:21:04,230
Yes.

1162
01:21:04,610 --> 01:21:08,890
In my file, there's the
adaptation for the nurses.

1163
01:21:09,795 --> 01:21:12,645
of my pain scale versus normal pain scale.

1164
01:21:14,105 --> 01:21:17,525
And so when I had to start taking my kids,
like the first time I remember taking my

1165
01:21:17,525 --> 01:21:28,065
oldest daughter for her shots, you know,
I had already set with her through and I

1166
01:21:28,065 --> 01:21:35,380
very easily, I'm a big guy, but one hand
on her, Arms and she couldn't go anywhere.

1167
01:21:35,960 --> 01:21:36,150
Yes.

1168
01:21:37,040 --> 01:21:37,410
Yes.

1169
01:21:37,770 --> 01:21:44,880
I was down close to her head and I taught
her to breathe with me through the pain.

1170
01:21:46,800 --> 01:21:49,310
And I kept talking, but
it was breathed with me.

1171
01:21:49,890 --> 01:21:52,580
Breathe in slow, breathe,
like breathe with me.

1172
01:21:52,805 --> 01:21:57,795
Through the pain through the
moment for a minute, right?

1173
01:21:58,305 --> 01:22:03,375
But I started teaching my children
early on to breathe through the pain,

1174
01:22:03,395 --> 01:22:08,305
through the adversity, slow everything
down to gain perspective on the

1175
01:22:08,305 --> 01:22:12,275
moment and just keep going through it.

1176
01:22:12,315 --> 01:22:13,705
Cause sometimes all you can do is.

1177
01:22:13,985 --> 01:22:20,765
Move through the pain and let it
teach you and that's something that

1178
01:22:20,765 --> 01:22:26,105
I've just reinforced with them Right
anytime we run into fears anytime we

1179
01:22:26,105 --> 01:22:31,325
run into hurts It's I I it's funny.

1180
01:22:31,325 --> 01:22:34,135
I used to laugh people who did breath
work But i've been teaching my children

1181
01:22:34,145 --> 01:22:39,255
breathing exercises since they were little
that's great Breathe through the pain

1182
01:22:39,255 --> 01:22:44,665
together and process the moment so we can
get our mind in the right place to process

1183
01:22:44,665 --> 01:22:49,065
what's actually happening instead of
having a Emotional reaction to the moment.

1184
01:22:50,975 --> 01:22:56,275
It's let's hone ourselves down
breathe through it gain perspective

1185
01:22:56,295 --> 01:23:04,025
gain clarity So yes respond Yes,
so it was very vivid illustration.

1186
01:23:04,025 --> 01:23:05,815
Sorry, that may be entirely off topic.

1187
01:23:05,815 --> 01:23:11,785
I was just a very not at all because
that's, that's the way I've been

1188
01:23:11,785 --> 01:23:16,955
trying to teach them to process
things their whole lives is we have

1189
01:23:16,955 --> 01:23:18,405
to get our head in the right space.

1190
01:23:19,470 --> 01:23:21,100
To process any information.

1191
01:23:21,140 --> 01:23:26,620
We can't do that when we're reacting
to the moment, whether that's the

1192
01:23:26,620 --> 01:23:31,290
stimulus is paying our adversity for
caught in the reaction, we're in trouble

1193
01:23:31,290 --> 01:23:36,880
already, you got to slow it down and
get back to that place where our mind

1194
01:23:36,880 --> 01:23:41,030
has clarity and can actually process
information is your brain shuts down.

1195
01:23:41,790 --> 01:23:42,000
Yep.

1196
01:23:42,000 --> 01:23:42,210
Right.

1197
01:23:42,240 --> 01:23:45,640
We, we hit that fight or flight
or freeze mode and our brain shuts

1198
01:23:45,640 --> 01:23:48,040
down and we're out of processing.

1199
01:23:48,730 --> 01:23:49,470
Yes, it does.

1200
01:23:49,850 --> 01:23:50,190
Yeah,

1201
01:23:53,850 --> 01:23:59,120
all of us are going to face something
going forward and guys if you're listening

1202
01:23:59,120 --> 01:24:03,670
I really hope that you are taking this
to heart and you haven't hit that big

1203
01:24:03,670 --> 01:24:10,040
hurt yet I will say life is not nice
and and it may be God I hope is a

1204
01:24:10,040 --> 01:24:15,420
different form than you losing a child
or going to prison But there's gonna be

1205
01:24:15,420 --> 01:24:16,940
a time when you hit a big hurt in life.

1206
01:24:19,240 --> 01:24:24,565
You've already said your circle is really
important Your community, however you want

1207
01:24:24,565 --> 01:24:28,305
to phrase that your tribe, your community,
your circle, uh, men's channels, I

1208
01:24:28,355 --> 01:24:31,145
hear it used a lot of different ways,
but it's all the same thing, right?

1209
01:24:31,165 --> 01:24:31,785
That's the circle.

1210
01:24:32,125 --> 01:24:32,355
Yeah.

1211
01:24:32,585 --> 01:24:34,365
I were talking earlier last night.

1212
01:24:34,365 --> 01:24:36,565
I was gaming with my gaming friends.

1213
01:24:36,925 --> 01:24:38,625
We were playing board games
at their house, right?

1214
01:24:38,795 --> 01:24:43,825
Those guys are part of my circle because
they're a positive influence on me.

1215
01:24:43,855 --> 01:24:47,245
It's part of the reason I game with
them is the men in that circle.

1216
01:24:47,245 --> 01:24:48,145
I respect them.

1217
01:24:48,475 --> 01:24:51,085
And just by being in my
life, they elevate me.

1218
01:24:51,315 --> 01:24:51,685
Yes.

1219
01:24:53,990 --> 01:24:55,980
We know we start there, right?

1220
01:24:55,990 --> 01:24:57,890
That's going to be very important to us.

1221
01:24:59,690 --> 01:25:02,470
How do we start to circumvent?

1222
01:25:03,090 --> 01:25:08,380
You said sharing with somebody, how do we
just keep moving forward when that comes?

1223
01:25:08,420 --> 01:25:12,000
Cause you've, you've seen incredible
opportunities with your life as well.

1224
01:25:13,280 --> 01:25:15,030
And you took steps to get there.

1225
01:25:17,190 --> 01:25:20,710
How do we keep moving
forward in those times?

1226
01:25:20,710 --> 01:25:21,970
We've got our community.

1227
01:25:23,175 --> 01:25:24,795
We're starting to get some perspective.

1228
01:25:24,885 --> 01:25:30,195
What's the next step to moving
forward after we get our head right?

1229
01:25:33,045 --> 01:25:39,285
I want to add one one thing to
perspective and that's this because

1230
01:25:39,285 --> 01:25:40,775
I don't believe in the word fair.

1231
01:25:42,255 --> 01:25:43,665
That's just a belief I have.

1232
01:25:43,715 --> 01:25:46,605
That's a personal statement I've made.

1233
01:25:46,845 --> 01:25:50,855
I don't believe in in fair
fairs where they judge pigs.

1234
01:25:51,885 --> 01:26:03,730
Okay, because life is not supposed to be
Error and uncomfortable and pain free.

1235
01:26:04,110 --> 01:26:05,500
It wasn't designed that way.

1236
01:26:05,510 --> 01:26:08,290
It's supposed to be hard.

1237
01:26:09,910 --> 01:26:14,590
So, part of our perspective needs
to be when something like this

1238
01:26:14,590 --> 01:26:20,630
hits, big hit, medium hit, small
hit, or small hurt, okay, that

1239
01:26:20,630 --> 01:26:23,500
we say, Oh yeah, I'm not exempt.

1240
01:26:23,530 --> 01:26:24,200
Who am I?

1241
01:26:24,550 --> 01:26:27,180
Who was I to think that I, you
know, nothing was going to happen

1242
01:26:27,180 --> 01:26:29,360
in my family or it happened to me?

1243
01:26:29,725 --> 01:26:33,115
We have to think that way because
Brent, here's the deal, we get knocked

1244
01:26:33,115 --> 01:26:39,125
down, it's really, if we're laid down
on our back, just spread out on the

1245
01:26:39,135 --> 01:26:40,865
concrete, we're in a prone position.

1246
01:26:41,035 --> 01:26:45,925
It's hard to get up by ourselves if we
don't want to get up and we're, we're

1247
01:26:45,925 --> 01:26:54,095
suffering excruciating pain and getting
up is the first thing we have to do before

1248
01:26:54,095 --> 01:26:55,925
we start heading in the right direction.

1249
01:26:56,005 --> 01:26:58,415
We can't just pop up
and say, Oh, new life.

1250
01:26:58,415 --> 01:27:01,045
Yeah, I'm going to, yeah,
we kicked that in the butt.

1251
01:27:01,045 --> 01:27:01,745
We're going to, no.

1252
01:27:02,225 --> 01:27:06,735
I mean, it kind of comes slower
than that, but I came up, my

1253
01:27:06,735 --> 01:27:08,165
book's called rebound forward.

1254
01:27:08,165 --> 01:27:10,905
It's not about rebound
like a basketball rebound.

1255
01:27:11,245 --> 01:27:12,725
It's rebound forward.

1256
01:27:12,745 --> 01:27:16,105
Rebound is getting up
after getting knocked down.

1257
01:27:17,305 --> 01:27:19,315
And then there is a decision.

1258
01:27:19,515 --> 01:27:21,285
So number one is perspective.

1259
01:27:21,285 --> 01:27:22,295
What's our perspective.

1260
01:27:22,815 --> 01:27:26,795
Number two, then the second part
of that is, okay, now that I'm

1261
01:27:26,805 --> 01:27:29,345
standing up, what am I going to do?

1262
01:27:29,695 --> 01:27:32,015
Because we got another decision to make.

1263
01:27:32,055 --> 01:27:33,115
We can say.

1264
01:27:33,705 --> 01:27:36,875
Well, I'm going to live a pity party
that the rest of my life is just that

1265
01:27:36,875 --> 01:27:38,485
I'm going to be standing up doing it.

1266
01:27:38,565 --> 01:27:42,265
I'm going to, I'm going to
show people that I responded.

1267
01:27:42,265 --> 01:27:42,595
Okay.

1268
01:27:42,615 --> 01:27:44,005
That I'm doing an okay.

1269
01:27:44,690 --> 01:27:46,580
You know that I'm okay.

1270
01:27:46,580 --> 01:27:47,480
I got through it.

1271
01:27:47,520 --> 01:27:51,980
I'm fine when in fact, I'm, I've kind of
checked out, but at least I'm standing

1272
01:27:52,770 --> 01:27:56,260
or we can stand and say, I want better.

1273
01:27:57,660 --> 01:27:58,610
I want better.

1274
01:27:58,630 --> 01:28:00,870
I don't know what better
is yet, but I want better.

1275
01:28:01,100 --> 01:28:04,690
And I'm going to, cause I'm learning from
what just happened and I'm going to take

1276
01:28:04,700 --> 01:28:12,170
one step in the direction of forward, not
to the side where I don't know, not back.

1277
01:28:12,240 --> 01:28:15,530
Uh, uh, because it's going to get
worse, but I'm going to go forward.

1278
01:28:15,950 --> 01:28:20,570
And if I take one step forward, that'll
help me take a second step forward.

1279
01:28:20,620 --> 01:28:21,960
And that's rebounding.

1280
01:28:22,460 --> 01:28:23,130
forward.

1281
01:28:23,830 --> 01:28:25,560
And we can all do that.

1282
01:28:25,780 --> 01:28:29,680
And I know you work with resilience
and talk to men about resilience.

1283
01:28:30,200 --> 01:28:32,800
And we can, we can use that.

1284
01:28:33,030 --> 01:28:35,800
We can use that to teach
ourselves how to do that.

1285
01:28:35,860 --> 01:28:39,590
It's Hey, it's, is it
easy to get knocked down?

1286
01:28:39,640 --> 01:28:40,600
Yeah, it's easy.

1287
01:28:40,760 --> 01:28:44,900
Sometimes it's it, you know, if
a hurricane comes and it blows

1288
01:28:44,900 --> 01:28:47,120
your house away, that's painful.

1289
01:28:47,480 --> 01:28:48,850
But you didn't cause that.

1290
01:28:49,420 --> 01:28:50,460
You might cause it.

1291
01:28:51,260 --> 01:28:53,030
Um, but you didn't pay.

1292
01:28:54,180 --> 01:28:58,970
It's hard to do things
that you don't want to do.

1293
01:28:59,250 --> 01:29:03,150
But the thing about rebounding
and moving forward, yeah, it's,

1294
01:29:03,160 --> 01:29:08,420
it's difficult, but it could, it
could and will change everything.

1295
01:29:09,250 --> 01:29:10,660
So is that worth it?

1296
01:29:11,390 --> 01:29:11,930
Heck yeah.

1297
01:29:12,020 --> 01:29:20,840
I can't think of anything else, anything
else that is worth seeing my girls at

1298
01:29:20,840 --> 01:29:27,245
some point on the other side of, um,
Earth and being able to talk to them.

1299
01:29:28,285 --> 01:29:30,045
I can't, I can't imagine.

1300
01:29:31,165 --> 01:29:35,715
Um, but I really want people to
think that if they, they could buy

1301
01:29:35,715 --> 01:29:38,515
into this perspective of things are
going to get better and we're going

1302
01:29:38,515 --> 01:29:42,735
to become more resilient because of
this, we can get up and move forward.

1303
01:29:43,265 --> 01:29:47,025
And man, I hope that for everybody
because nobody is exempt.

1304
01:29:47,025 --> 01:29:49,975
There's a song from the 1960s.

1305
01:29:50,605 --> 01:29:51,915
I beg your pardon.

1306
01:29:53,095 --> 01:29:55,225
I never promised you a rose garden.

1307
01:29:56,290 --> 01:29:59,509
And with all of the sunshine, you know.

1308
01:30:00,210 --> 01:30:04,880
Or excuse me in all of the sunshine,
there's going to be a little rain sometime

1309
01:30:05,510 --> 01:30:10,390
and it's kind of a corny little song,
but it says exactly what I'm saying.

1310
01:30:10,650 --> 01:30:14,010
Nobody gave us a certificate
when we were born that they're

1311
01:30:14,010 --> 01:30:16,010
going to live a pain free life.

1312
01:30:16,625 --> 01:30:17,695
I beg your pardon.

1313
01:30:18,255 --> 01:30:20,185
I never promised you a rose garden.

1314
01:30:21,325 --> 01:30:25,155
And I'll tell you, we can make, we can
make a clean break from any kind of

1315
01:30:25,155 --> 01:30:30,885
pain or adversity that, that this world
or our decisions are going to hand us.

1316
01:30:32,045 --> 01:30:35,355
And that, man, I hope that's
motivation to people out there.

1317
01:30:35,850 --> 01:30:36,580
It should be.

1318
01:30:37,100 --> 01:30:40,520
I sure hope it is because you
are all worth it and you're

1319
01:30:40,520 --> 01:30:42,160
all worthy of doing it.

1320
01:30:44,080 --> 01:30:45,190
What's next for Randy Brown?

1321
01:30:47,270 --> 01:30:53,730
The next man that I come upon that
is in such pain I can see it in his

1322
01:30:53,730 --> 01:30:55,800
eyes without even a word being spoken.

1323
01:30:57,620 --> 01:30:58,610
That's what I live for.

1324
01:30:59,410 --> 01:31:03,860
And that, that's, that's going to help
me pay my pay, pay my paying forward.

1325
01:31:04,270 --> 01:31:05,140
That's what I want to do.

1326
01:31:06,200 --> 01:31:06,500
Coach.

1327
01:31:06,500 --> 01:31:08,810
Where's the best place for people
to find you connect with you?

1328
01:31:10,280 --> 01:31:12,750
On my website, probably.

1329
01:31:12,780 --> 01:31:15,390
And that's coach RB.

1330
01:31:16,840 --> 01:31:17,270
com.

1331
01:31:17,830 --> 01:31:20,440
My initials are B there.

1332
01:31:20,440 --> 01:31:22,020
It is right there up on the screen.

1333
01:31:23,270 --> 01:31:32,780
Um, I also will give you my, um,
uh, email address and that is RB.

1334
01:31:32,780 --> 01:31:32,794
com.

1335
01:31:33,485 --> 01:31:36,195
At RB speaks.

1336
01:31:36,585 --> 01:31:36,965
com.

1337
01:31:38,155 --> 01:31:41,575
I know it's a lot of
RBs, but RB at RB speaks.

1338
01:31:42,805 --> 01:31:43,185
com.

1339
01:31:44,225 --> 01:31:49,905
Um, I, I take pride in, in returning
any inquiry, any question, even things

1340
01:31:49,905 --> 01:31:52,295
I don't believe in or agree with.

1341
01:31:52,565 --> 01:31:53,855
I I'm going to get back to you.

1342
01:31:54,435 --> 01:31:57,835
And if you would like to email
me or get my phone number

1343
01:31:57,835 --> 01:31:59,535
through my website, that's great.

1344
01:31:59,715 --> 01:32:04,275
Send me a text, and I would love
to send you a text back or, um,

1345
01:32:04,485 --> 01:32:08,735
create, create a phone call that we
can have, uh, because I'm here for

1346
01:32:08,735 --> 01:32:10,385
anybody that wants to reach out.

1347
01:32:11,015 --> 01:32:15,865
And, um, sometimes it's good Brent to
reach out to somebody we don't know,

1348
01:32:15,875 --> 01:32:21,005
because we don't have all of that fear
of being judged and, and things, you

1349
01:32:21,005 --> 01:32:23,895
know, might be somebody in our community
that we don't want to know that.

1350
01:32:23,895 --> 01:32:24,145
We're.

1351
01:32:24,525 --> 01:32:26,905
Involved in certain things,
maybe a lot of tech.

1352
01:32:26,945 --> 01:32:29,825
Cause I hear a lot from people who
don't, you know, this is the first

1353
01:32:29,825 --> 01:32:32,565
time that they've reached out and
I'm like, I'm so glad you did.

1354
01:32:33,255 --> 01:32:34,685
I'm your brother and
I'm going to help you.

1355
01:32:34,695 --> 01:32:41,195
So, and I know, you know, Guys, I
know all of you have been dying to

1356
01:32:41,635 --> 01:32:45,555
learn about the start game of Thrones
trivia, who the young wolf was.

1357
01:32:45,895 --> 01:32:48,105
No one actually cares, but
the answer is Robb Stark.

1358
01:32:48,115 --> 01:32:49,715
You, uh, chose Sansa.

1359
01:32:50,265 --> 01:32:51,585
Who is the older of the sisters?

1360
01:32:51,855 --> 01:32:53,085
I was a Game of Thrones fan.

1361
01:32:54,045 --> 01:32:56,965
Uh, but the answer is Robb Stark.

1362
01:32:56,965 --> 01:32:59,905
If anybody actually gives a crap
about that, I don't think you do,

1363
01:33:00,025 --> 01:33:03,875
especially not if you stayed this
long, but it makes it entertaining.

1364
01:33:04,545 --> 01:33:05,945
Randy, wrap us out.

1365
01:33:06,515 --> 01:33:09,325
If our listeners heard nothing else today.

1366
01:33:10,245 --> 01:33:12,125
What is the one thing you
want to leave them with?

1367
01:33:15,265 --> 01:33:19,615
We live with the opportunity
to become scarred, but smarter.

1368
01:33:20,775 --> 01:33:25,275
It's the title of a song by someone who's
become a friend of mine, Kevin Kinney,

1369
01:33:25,485 --> 01:33:31,030
who is a phenomenal singer songwriter for
the for the 80s band, Driving and Crying.

1370
01:33:31,340 --> 01:33:34,350
And Kevin is a very
relevant artist these days.

1371
01:33:34,570 --> 01:33:39,900
Kevin Kenny wrote a song called Driving
and Crying, which has the greatest lyrics.

1372
01:33:40,230 --> 01:33:47,130
If anybody ever wanted to explain
about, we were never offered any free.

1373
01:33:47,285 --> 01:33:50,595
Life of, uh, free from
pain or, or any of that.

1374
01:33:50,845 --> 01:33:53,775
He wrote a song about it and
his lyrics are phenomenal.

1375
01:33:53,875 --> 01:33:59,435
The name of the song is scarred,
but smarter, not scarred, but I'm

1376
01:33:59,445 --> 01:34:04,235
giving up scarred, but I'm going to
get my butt up and I'm going to move

1377
01:34:04,245 --> 01:34:06,235
forward and I'm becoming smarter.

1378
01:34:07,305 --> 01:34:08,855
Let's all be scarred, but smarter.

1379
01:34:09,005 --> 01:34:09,555
Thanks, Kevin.

1380
01:34:09,565 --> 01:34:09,865
Kenny.

1381
01:34:11,555 --> 01:34:15,605
Guys, on behalf of Randy and myself
and all of us here at The Fallible Man.

1382
01:34:16,050 --> 01:34:17,280
Thanks for hanging out with us today.

1383
01:34:17,280 --> 01:34:19,350
Be better tomorrow because
of what you do today.

1384
01:34:19,380 --> 01:34:20,280
We'll see you on the next one.

1385
01:34:21,920 --> 01:34:24,320
This has been the Fallible Man Podcast.

1386
01:34:24,980 --> 01:34:28,190
Your home for everything,
man, husband, and father.

1387
01:34:29,190 --> 01:34:31,440
Be sure to subscribe so
you don't miss a show.

1388
01:34:32,340 --> 01:34:38,520
Head over to www.thefallibleman.com
for more content and get

1389
01:34:38,670 --> 01:34:39,930
your own Ible Man gear.