Surviving the First Holiday Season as Newlyweds: Advice and Tips

D Brent Dowlen: [00:00:00] Are you and Newlywood bracing for your first holiday season together? Holidays can be a beautiful time, unless you're navigating them as a couple still finding your footing. The pressure of family, expectations, gift giving, holiday chaos, financial strain, can put a monkey wrench on even the strongest of relationships.

But what if you could make it through without the stress unraveling your bond? On today's episode of the Fallible Man Podcast, we're diving into surviving your first holiday season as newlyweds, offering advice and tips to ensure your marriage thrives through the holiday madness and not just survives.

Tune in to learn how to handle the holiday whirlwind and come out stronger on the other side. Right off the bat, let me throw out the most important thing you can grab right now in this one moment. This one simple fact can make a huge difference. There is no right way to do Hollywood's as a newlywed.

The only winning [00:01:00] or losing is your marriage. If you let it become an argument. So take that, put that in back your mind. That's really, really, really important is there's not a right way in a wrong way to do your first Hollywood Holly Hollywood's holidays together, guys. There there's not. So put that aside.

There's no winning. There's no losing. There's like, don't let this become an argument or you've already hurt your marriage. Start by developing a completely couple centric perspective in your thinking when it comes to this holiday. Focus on the thought that it's you and your spouse against the world.

Put it in the right perspective. We're just this side of Thanksgiving. We're ramping up into Christmas, which can put a lot of strain on people. And there are a lot of various pressures involved with the holidays. It could be family, friends. Finances play a huge, huge role in every piece of that holiday picture.

And [00:02:00] the way

every, every aspect of your holiday is, it's going to be weighed in by these things, particularly friends are particularly family and finances. And sometimes even your friends, all of those things are going to be pushing on your relationship. If your approach is you against the world, as in you and your spouse against the world, the negative forces are external working against you, which can make you stronger instead of being internal and pushing you apart.

So get in the right perspective. First, it's you and her, or you and him, depending on who's listening to this against the world, right? If you come in at that way, you are far above the crowd and you will get a lot farther. When my wife and I first got married, we realized in our first Christmas, we now had 19 presents for the immediate family, her family and my family, without buying [00:03:00] anything for each other at all.

19 Christmas presents. As we were surviving on Top Ramen, we just relocated halfway across the country. Three weeks before Christmas, I moved for work. We hadn't discussed holiday traditions, family Christmases, present philosophies, and I'm a Grinch and I hate Christmas, but my wife loved Christmas.

Sandwiching all that, my birthday and my brother's birthday are right around Christmas and my wife's family has multiple birthdays in January right after Christmas. So it's not like there was already enough financial issues on our plate. Now we gotta lump a bunch of birthdays into it. And we were incredibly overwhelmed.

Hopefully your holiday schedule isn't complicated by additional birthdays and stuff like that, like ours was, but the time from Thanksgiving through New Year's has enough pressure to crack marriages today. I want to share some advice, some tips to ensure your [00:04:00] marriage thrives through this holiday madness.

By the way, welcome to the fallible man podcast, where we dive into everything about being a better man, husband and father. My name is Brent and be sure and stick around and subscribe. If you enjoy the show. Now I have 23 years of navigating this gauntlet. Let me tell you, just so you know, you're, you're not the only one fighting uphill on this.

Let me tell you how difficult I tend to make this. I hate the holidays. I mean, I really hate the holidays and especially I hate Christmas. I don't like gift giving. I'm actually highly allergic, allergic to poinsettias, which may contribute to my disdain because of my allergies. I can not shop after about the first week of Christmas.

I stopped being able to go to any store, including grocery stores and can't until after the new year, my church is very generous and they don't decorate with poinsettias. So I can still go to church. [00:05:00] Otherwise I can't go to church and holidays either. I can't go to most restaurants because they decorate with them.

And I can't really accompany my family anywhere because of all the decorations. I hate Turkey. Turkey's not allowed in my house because it makes me sick. I don't like surprises. I hate spending money on crap. I know there's going to be tossed away soon. And that's like 85 percent of Christmas presents.

Even if you're a good shopper, I don't agree with societal contractual I think it's kind of stupid. I despise Christmas music and only listened to about two different groups that make Christmas music. And I only allowed that from December 1st through December 31st. It's the hardest time financially in the year for the majority of people.

So I just pretty much hate Christmas for a lot of reasons. My wife is pretty much the complete opposite of everything I am when it comes to the [00:06:00] holidays. I'm a Scrooge and the Grinch rolled into one. And after 23 years of marriage, my start heart still hasn't had a Eureka moment and has not grown two sizes and likely never will.

I make the best of it for my wife and kids, but if I can get through the holidays and stay happily married, then I'm confident that you tend to, especially if you're starting out. Because. You're going to learn from my mistakes and all of these tips are based on my mistakes because I made a lot of them and somehow we still managed to survive.

So here's some tips to help you, especially as you're beginning your marriage together and are facing those first few holidays because first couple of years of holidays are pretty difficult when you're starting out. Tip number one, personally decide and rate each holiday and the significance of each one for yourself.

And you and your spouse should both do this exercise. [00:07:00] Do you really care about how you spend Thanksgiving or Christmas or any other holiday? Or do you actually just care about certain parts of holidays or features or events that happen around them? Like that's a legitimate question. You need to answer that for yourself.

For me, I love Halloween and I hate Christmas. My wife couldn't care less about Halloween, but she loves Christmas. But one of the big things for her, one of the more important aspects that I did not understand early in my marriage. What's Christmas trees. My wife grew up next to one of the largest Christmas tree farms in the Pacific Northwest.

And so she grew up with the smell of Christmas trees, most of the years they were growing. And so that was a really big deal, more so than the holiday itself, having a live Christmas tree was really, and still is really important to her. So you need to identify what parts of these holidays are actually really important to you and really important to your spouse, because a lot of people.[00:08:00]

It's certain aspects of the holiday that's important for them is not necessarily the holiday directly. So identify what truly matters to you individually, what you want to hold on, what is significant to you. And then we're going to move into tip two, have a real conversation about how you individually feel.

Sorry, identify. Can't read my own writing. How you individually feel about the holidays and how you would spend them normally. Before each other, right? That's going to change now that you're married, but how would you spend them normally? Now, ideally this conversation would have happened before you said I do, but if you don't know the answers to the following questions for your spouse already, then you both need to have this conversation and answer them together in a very calm conversation, right?

It should be a really fun night. Pour some hot cocoa. It is the holiday season. Pour some hot cocoa or if you're my wife and I pour some hot coffee because we always have coffee in our hands and sit down and have this conversation, [00:09:00] ask each other the following questions. And you know what guys, I'll put these up on my blog so you can go get this list of questions.

How's that? Number one, do you enjoy the holidays or do they stress you out to, we're going to blow through these. What holiday traditions did you grow up with and that you want to continue into our family? Number three, is there a particular holiday memory from your childhood that stands out to you and really find out why it stands out for each other?

Number four, what part of the holidays brings you the most joy and why? Five for my wife, Christmas trees. How do you feel about gift giving? Do you prefer something meaningful, practical, frivolous, something fun, or not at all like me? Six, how do you do gifts with your family? This can be really important.

Like I said, my wife and I found out we had 19 presents to buy. We didn't buy each other a Christmas present for the first five years of our marriage because we couldn't afford it. Do you get everybody [00:10:00] presents? Do you draw names? Do you cut off after a certain age and only kids get gifts? With my family, that became a thing because we were all adults and we all had our own families.

So we got the kids gifts and we didn't really get each other or anything. Sometimes we drew names, but usually it was just the kids. Number seven, what's your ideal way of spending the holidays? Do you prefer quiet, intimate holidays? That's how we just did Thanksgiving, whereas my friend had a huge big holiday family get together.

It was a massive festival kind of blowout thing, right? Find out what that looks like for each other. Number eight. How do you feel about balancing time between our families during the holidays? Do you always spend the holidays with your family or do you feel pressured to spend the holidays with your families?

If you both think you should spend the holidays with each other, your own families, right? That could be an issue. Huh? Number nine, do you feel pressured to [00:11:00] maintain certain traditions by your family? Now, guys, I'm not talking about some kind of evil, sinister nonsense here, but for some families, certain traditions are really, really, really important.

And that's why it's important to identify for you. What's important for you. And how you guys prefer to spend the holidays, right? That's why this conversation is important. I've seen this one actually destroy the marriage. Are there any holiday related stresses or anxieties you experience? For me, there was because poinsettias, right?

They're weed people. I don't understand. Sorry. I digress. What do you wish for most during the holiday season, emotionally, personally, and 12, how can we support each other in making our holiday season special without feeling overwhelmed? Now guys, like I said, I know I blew through those and I will put those on my blog post so you can go get that.

I invite you go get that list and have that conversation with your spouse [00:12:00] and just have an open conversation and enjoy it, like enjoy the process together. You'll learn all kinds of things about each other. I actually used to include several of those questions. I used to do premarital counseling for couples when I was in ministry.

And I used a lot of those questions for those couples because people don't talk about these things. Tip three, decide what you as a couple want. Okay? So you already decided what's important for you. You've had this great conversation with your spouse now about your history and your family traditions and your ideas about how you'd like to do things.

Tip three is decide what you as a couple want at this stage. You're not your parents kids first. You're always going to be your parents children. However, in this context, you are now your own family first. Your family is the core. You're no longer adherent to your parents. You're adherent to each other.

I'm probably [00:13:00] using that word wrong. That's what happens when I try to sound smart. Okay. So it's about your family first. Now, what do you as a couple want to do with the holidays? What makes you guys happy and joyful? What excites you about doing together? There will be give and take between you and your spouse.

As I explained, there had to be a lot of conversations between me and my spouse, because we're very opposite on these things. Leave your families out of this conversation. This is not you, something you guys disagree on and go running to mom and dad or your siblings. No, don't do that. Leave your families out of it.

This is your family and your life now. So how do you want to do it? What traditions do you want? What new traditions would you like to try or implement? Hopefully as you had those conversations about your family traditions on each side, maybe you heard some of those traditions that your spouse's family did that you thought, Hey, That kind of sounds neat or vice [00:14:00] versa.

Maybe you both have some really crazy ideas. And it's like, you know what? I want to do this. What traditions do you want? And what new traditions would you like to create and implement together? And I absolutely recommend all couples that you find and create at least one tradition that is uniquely you guys.

Something that's just totally off the wall. It doesn't even have to be holiday ish. If that's the right word for it, it doesn't have to be holiday ish, but find a tradition for your holiday that is uniquely you guys. And that will be a powerful tool going forward in your marriage. Well, my wife and I were young Marys.

We frequently didn't have a tree in our home because we were always at one family's home or another for the first five or six years of our marriage. We didn't actually have Christmas at home. We were always at a family's house. So one, that was a problem because my wife loved Christmas trees and she wanted a Christmas tree.[00:15:00]

So when my daughters were born, I laid down a hard fast rule in our household that we wake up on Christmas morning at home in our home and do our family Christmas together. We can go visit people before we can go visit people after we can go visit people later in the day, but Christmas morning, Happens at my home with my family, with our Christmas tree.

That is something we are just hard and fast on. So decide what you want as a couple, what's important to you and realize that's going to involve over time. Tip number four, after you've laid down this concept together of what you want your holiday to look like. And like I said, that can be Christmas. That could this also apply.

So Thanksgiving, Halloween, 4th of July, Halloween and 4th of July are both big holidays to me. They're the holidays I enjoy. My wife, eh, she doesn't really care about those holidays that much, but she does get a kick out of the way I [00:16:00] do 4th of July with my girls. She likes watching us light off fireworks together and enjoying watching the fireworks.

So give and take guys, they'll evolve over time. But tip four is be the bad guy for each other. Once you've established your identity as a couple, once you've established how you're going to do things as a couple, If family puts pressure on you to do something else or to do it a certain way, the person whose family is doing that a, they're not bad people.

They're not demons. And especially if it's not your family. Don't demonize them. That's a problem, but the person whose family it is should not have to defend themselves or make that argument. So if your spouse's family is putting pressure on your spouse to do something, you should be the one having that discussion with your spouse's family.

You should be the one blocking your spouse. If it's your wife's family or friends, that's putting pressure on her, be a scapegoat, [00:17:00] be the ass and vice versa. You are the shield for your spouse. And that means protecting each other, even from family. I am the one who says no, our household boundaries are super easy for me.

It's always been straightforward. I'm really good at setting boundaries. And when I put them down, it's done. I don't move on it. My wife, my wife's family has a lot of sway on her and she doesn't like to upset them or tell them no. And I respect that. They're good people. I'm very blessed that way, but you know, they, they obviously want her to spend some time and the kids spend time, blah, blah, blah.

Right. I'm the one who lays down the hard, fast rule about we're doing it this way. My wife doesn't have to say no because she can always say, I said no. And she has my permission. That's not like she's blaming me or throwing me under the bus. She has my permission to say no. If we've made a decision together, no one gets to [00:18:00] change her mind or put pressure on her.

It's one of the things I give her as a husband, because no is easy for me. So I'll get on the phone and say no, or she can just tell him I said no. They know if I said no, it's not going to happen. Protect each other. Y'all are together. It's you and her versus the world. I need my wife's love. She's everything in the world to me.

The rest of the world can burn. I don't care if anyone else likes me, including our families, it's her and me against the world forever. Never leave your spouse to fight alone. That's part of the contract. Loyalty to each other above all is part of that. I do. So if you have one side of the other, the family putting pressure, The other one should come to the rescue and stand strong.

That way it takes them out of your partner, out of the negative situation. Last tip guys, prioritize and perspective. Let's do some really simple math about your [00:19:00] priorities. And I'll show you exactly how simple the math is by sharing mine. It's very simple for me. This is super simple math. My wife, my kids, my immediate family, my extended family, my friends, and my country.

That's my priority list. Wherever people fall on that list. That's my priority list. See simple math. I know what is important to me, to my family, to my wife, to our family together. So the math becomes really simple, right? My level of patience, effort, and love will vary across that list. But she is number one.

I'll move heaven and hell if I need to for her. That's what I meant when I said I do for all the Grinch that I am. And I am the Grinch. If you guys are watching the video, if you only ever listen to me, you're missing out. I have a Grinch cookie jar. back over my shoulder. That was a gift for [00:20:00] Christmas one year.

My brother thought it was really funny because I am the Grinch. I have a Grinch stocking and I generally hate Christmas. So he thought it was really entertaining. Uh, my kids think it really sums me up. Well, so I have this beautiful cookie jar behind me, right? For all of my Grinchiness while there's some negotiation, because my wife loves me too and she doesn't want me to do, she knows I will do everything that I hate.

Just to make them happy. So there's a lot of renegotiation because she doesn't want me to do that. And she loves me, but I will choose making the holiday special for her and my kids because of that premise one of it's me and her against the world forever, because she feels the same way together. We actively find ways to make it work for both of us to end up happy.

Most of the time, that is how you take on the holidays together. If you can line up that concept, if you can wrap that up in your mind, [00:21:00] You and her against the world and really sin on it negating the holidays is actually going to be pretty simple. In fact, the simple truth is making the holidays work.

When you start out requires express implementation of the same perspective and tools that will actually make your marriage a happily ever after anyways, if you can utilize this process to make your holidays work, these are the same things that are going to give you a real shot at that forever kind of love.

So as we land this plane, remember this navigating your first holiday season as newlyweds doesn't have to be a battle. It's all about setting clear expectations, communicating openly and staying united as a couple. Happy Holidays! No one else's opinions or traditions matter more than the bond you share with each other.

If you can make it through the first holiday season with the right perspective, you're laying the groundwork for a strong marriage that can weather any storm, whether it's holiday stress or any change life [00:22:00] throws at you. The key takeaway is simple. It's you and your spouse against the world. Lock that into your mind because the holidays can be chaotic, but they can also be a time to create your own traditions, build lasting memories together.

So take a deep breath. Have some tough conversations, which really don't have to be that bad, right? They can be kind of fun and support each other every step of the way. We can make it through to, like I said, 23 years going on 24 guys. If we can make it this far with the differences in the way my wife and I approach holidays, then you absolutely can, too.

Thanks for tuning into the fallible man podcast. Stay intentional, stay connected, and most importantly, keep growing together as a couple until next time be better tomorrow because what you do today, we'll see on the next one.

David McCarter: This has been the fallible man podcast, your home for everything, man, husband, and father.[00:23:00]

Be sure to subscribe. So you don't miss a show. Head over to www. thefallibleman. com for more content and get your own fallible man key. I ain't waitin and

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