Healing and Surviving: Fighting for Mental Health | Lindsay Ensor

00:00
I had been in therapy for about six years. So in 2016, I kind of had a backslid a little bit and I was really struggling with, I feel like I'm just a burden to my family because I was still struggling inside with reconciling a lot of the things that I was talking about in therapy and we were doing some trauma work and it just, it was hard. And so...

00:25
Both of my boys were playing baseball, little league, and my husband was coaching. And I was sitting at their game and I thought, you know what, I just need to go for a drive. And I got in my car and I remember sending my best friend a text and I said, I just can't do this anymore. Today's guest is Lindsay Ensor. Lindsay's a passionate mental health advocate. She's a speaker, she's an author, and she's a mother, she's a wife.

00:50
She's all the things. And in this episode, we really jump into her personal journey, focusing on the experiences that she's had with sudden loss, anxiety, and the complexities of motherhood. She bravely opens up about those experiences and how they shaped her mental health and influenced her path to recovery and really ignited that passion for advocacy. She gives us an unfiltered view of navigating life with mental health challenges and shares her struggle with anxiety, self-harm.

01:19
eating disorders, and her experiences as a mother, especially the challenges of raising a child with a serious health condition. After entering a treatment program and receiving several mental health diagnoses, she began her healing process. Her story emphasizes the importance of finding help and seeking the relief and understanding of your own mental health struggles and what all of that can bring. Today, Lindsay uses her experiences to break the stigma around mental illness.

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She stands as a beacon of hope for those dealing with similar struggles and works with the mental health facility that she actually got her treatment from and tries to pay it forward to others. Her work and advocacy make her story really a source of inspiration, I hope. I wanted to share a content warning as this episode discusses suicide and other traumatic moments and experiences. Before we jump into the episode, I want to thank Tracy and Emily for sponsoring two episodes a month on the Patreon for this show.

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Thank you so much for your support. If anyone out there is interested in helping support the production costs or the hosting costs of the Life Shift podcast, please check out patreon.com slash the Life Shift podcast and you can find all the information there. Without further ado, here's my conversation with Lindsay Ensor. I'm Matt Gilhooly and this is The Life Shift, candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

02:56
Hello, my friends. Welcome to the Life Shift podcast. I am here with Lindsay. Hello, Lindsay. Hi, how are you? Fantastic. I was just talking to you that I took a little bit of time off from recording. So hopefully I'm not rusty, but I took about four weeks off. And I've finished one part of my career, and I started a new chapter in my career. And it's been an exciting journey, and I'm getting into that. So now the Life Shift podcast, as of this recording, this is

03:24
the start of year three of the podcast, which blows my mind. That's awesome. Well, thank you for wanting to be a part of the Life Shift podcast. I'm not quite sure how we found each other or how you found me. Do you recall? Yes, you recorded Laurel from the Young Fables and I'm a big fan of them. I've seen them a couple of times in concert and I watched her episode and I thought, you know what? I think I'll reach out and see, you know, there's something there for me to do.

03:51
I love that. Now I remember. And so for those of you that are listening that have never listened before, I don't like to do a lot of research or I don't do any research on my guests. And so all I know about Lindsay really is it just a quick back and forth in email and an intake form. And so now that you mentioned that, I remember you reaching out after Laurel's episode came out and her episode was, you know, I want to say it was fun to do, even though the topic was not fun.

04:19
But she's so real. And I love that she, as a musician, she has these skills. And she's so great performing and all these things. But also, she's so real on social media about the things that she's faced in her life and the grief and the depression and her mental health just in general. So I love just like, she leans so hard into that. And it's so valuable for those of us on the other side. I'm sure you agree if you're a fan of theirs. Yeah.

04:50
Yep. Maybe before we have you start to paint the picture of your life leading up to this life shift moment in your life, maybe you can just tell us a little bit about who Lindsay is right now in 2024. Like what does your life look like now and who are you? I, well, I'm currently a stay at home mom and housewife. That's a big job. Yes, my kids though are 17 and 18. So I'm kind of pushing it. I'm not gonna be home for much longer.

05:18
as they kind of spread their wings and branch out. I had them young, so I'm only 40. And so I'm looking forward to hopefully things on the horizon. I've been married 20 years to my husband, Dave. And, you know, I love just getting out and doing things around the city with my kids and my family. And all of the in-laws are close. My mom is close by, so we do a lot of things with family. And...

05:47
We're a very family oriented group. That's really special. Yeah, that paints, that's pretty much me right now. Before we started recording, you mentioned that you've pretty much lived in the same area for nearly your entire life, except for two years of your life. And me on the other hand, I've moved 35 times. And so it's like so beautiful to hear that you have this life now.

06:13
with all these people that you love around you that you can spend all your time. And it probably feels very, very much like home. Whereas I don't know that I can describe a place that necessarily is, I don't know what home is because I've moved so many times, I just have a house. You know, like it's kind of in that way, but that it just sounds so beautiful too. The way you describe it, it sounds like a hug because everyone's around you.

06:39
Yeah, and my in-laws have been a number one support, especially when my kids were little because they're only 15 months apart. So I needed a lot of help in those early years. And so I just feel like my kids have grown up with grandparents helping in the raising them process. You're right, it feels like a hug. Everybody's just, it's a good place to be. Are you excited or nervous about this empty nest portion of your life coming up?

07:05
I am nervous because I, since I had my first child at 21, I didn't have any real like work experience or anything before that. So I'm stepping out into the unknown. I don't know what's out there. I don't know. I have a degree in psychology. I'm not sure if I'll follow that and use that down the road, but I am a little nervous because I don't know what the future holds.

07:33
I think it are you excited at all though? Is there a little bit of excitement? There's a little bit of excitement. Yeah. Yeah. I just turned 43 and during the pandemic, I turned 40 and I did a second master's degree in a totally new area. And so this is my new chapter starts at 43 and I'm super excited. This podcast started, I guess, when I was 41. And so I'd be excited, be a little bit excited. I know it's scary because it's like, what do I do? I have so many options now, but I'm excited for you. And I hope that

08:03
that your life experience fuels what you go into in this next chapter of your life. And so I think that's a good segue into talking about this life experience because it's not all sunshine and rainbows. It's not all the hug that we describe. And I think it's important for you to share this and for people to hear this because my goal with the Life Shift podcast is really each episode finds the ears that need to hear it the most.

08:32
and so that they feel less alone in their experience. And for so long, I didn't hear people talking about the hard things, the things that we had to overcome or that we chose to overcome or that we were lucky enough to overcome or work through. So thank you, one, before you even tell your story for just wanting to be a part of this, to share your story in hopes that other people out there will hear it and feel a little less alone in what they're experiencing. Yes.

08:59
I'm also, I'm a big mental health advocate, and that's a part of my story that we'll hear in a few minutes. I'm a speaker and a published author, and I've just, I've- You skipped all that. I did skip all that. That's a big thing. It is a big thing. I'm a big mental health advocate from the patient's perspective. I've had a lot of opportunities to speak to nursing schools and things like that where maybe instead of hearing about-

09:26
psychiatric care from a professional, they hear it from the patient's point of view. And so I've been able to share my story a lot of times just from the patient's perspective, so people can have that alternate view of what psychiatric care holds. I think it's important. I think that I personally connect more with everyday people and the stories that they go through.

09:51
when you have this prescriptive kind of solution or something from a doctor, not that those aren't important, but it's harder to connect to, right? Because you can't necessarily relate or understand what that means. And so good on you for doing that. Don't leave that out of who you are in your explanations in the future because it's so important and it's something to be really proud of because knowing a little bit about your journey, I know that it took a lot of work to get here and to be the source of being an advocate now. So.

10:22
Maybe you can kind of paint the picture of what your life was like leading up to the pivotal moment that we're gonna really center this conversation around today. Okay, well it starts when I was very young. When I was eight years old, I lost my uncle to suicide. And about six weeks later, my dad died suddenly of a heart attack. And then my mom remarried only five months later.

10:48
And then so we moved, had a new house, new city, new school. My world was rocked at that time. And I became a very anxious child. I never wanted to leave my mom's side. And I remember being in school, probably third through fifth grade. And I was at the nurse's office every single day. My anxiety manifested itself in physical ways. I was...

11:15
I constantly had stomach aches, I had headaches, I didn't, you know, I just, I was constantly looking for reassurance and I really struggled in those really early years. You know, it's very interesting because I can completely relate to that because my mom died when I was eight and same age and it was sudden, it was an accident and my father lived a thousand miles away so I had to move like you did, you know, so all the descriptions of that.

11:43
so very similar and I think probably very common because as an eight year old, you didn't really understand what all of that meant. It felt like abandonment, I'm sure. For me it did. It felt like my mom abandoned me. I know she died and it wasn't her fault, but it felt like someone abandoned me. So now I have to perform and I wonder if you felt this way. I have to be great. I have to do everything right so that who's left also doesn't leave. Does that resonate with you?

12:11
100% because I eventually turned that anxiety into throwing it into my academic career. I graduated with a 4.2 GPA and I threw myself into music. I was a singer and dancer and show choir and traveled all over the US doing all kinds of performances and things like that. I constantly felt like I had to be the best. The best because I didn't want

12:41
I didn't know what was coming, and I always wanted to make sure that I was ahead of things, if I could be. Was there a worry of disappointing anyone in your family that they would disappear? There was. I was worried about disappointing my mom, and not because I thought she would leave, but I was afraid of just her being disappointed in me, because I...

13:09
carried so much weight with what did I do wrong in certain situations, why did this happen to me? And so I need to be a better person so it doesn't happen to me again. And so yeah, I had a lot of angst about that. Do you recall as a kid, and I'll let you go on with your story, but do you recall as a kid, because we're roughly the same age, that if there were any resources that were...

13:34
given to you or would offer to you in a way that would help you process grief in a way? No, unfortunately not. Yeah, no, there wasn't really anything. And the people around you, did any of them help you through it or was it just kind of, we don't talk about these things? That's how it was. It was everything happened and we just moved on and kept pushing forward. We didn't talk about anything. We just kept going. And meanwhile.

14:03
the both of us just push that down and pretend it as well until I'm sure at some point it comes back up. It did for me. So as well, me as well. Yeah, I'll let you go on with your story, but I can relate to so much of that early childhood and how long it took me to get through that. Yeah, so after like I said, I threw myself into my academics and the music and everything like that. But at the same time, I struggled inwardly because I didn't know how to

14:32
again, deal with the trauma that I had experienced. And so I started like self-harming and I developed an eating disorder because that was my way of finding control of the situation that I felt so out of control in. And that was pretty much my adolescence. That sums it up. It was music and... I mean, but the manifestations of grief release.

15:02
I guess, I don't know how to, like, it's almost like I'm like thinking of like a letting air out of a balloon in a way, it's like those self harm moments and eating disorder, same, I think this is a common thing because we weren't given the tools, like nobody showed us like, first of all, you're allowed to be sad, you're allowed to be mad, you're allowed to be all the things and there are proper ways that you can probably process them but we weren't given all those tools and we felt like we had to be perfect.

15:32
And then it leads to these things which are major and they probably still, maybe I'm speaking for myself, but they probably still sit in the back of your mind even if you feel like, oh, that's a thing of the past, it's still there. It's still there, yeah. I think my biggest struggle was with my mom remarrying so soon after. I just felt like I wasn't allowed to grieve or I wasn't allowed to talk about my dad anymore because she had...

16:02
we had all just moved on and started a new life. And so I just turned all that inward and it became self-destructive. Do you look at that differently now, your mom finding a new partner? I do. Yeah, I look at it now from her point of view and I can't imagine losing my husband. She was 32 and had me and I can't imagine.

16:26
what she was going through and I don't try to imagine that. But I think she was just trying to pick up the pieces and carry on herself. It was probably a band aid too, I think. Like, let's not talk about this, let's just move forward. Humans are interesting. Yeah. So yeah, like I said, that was pretty much my adolescence. I just, you know, the eating disorder got really bad, but I kind of just.

16:50
I didn't ever tell anybody I didn't let on that I had that problem. It wasn't overly obvious. I wasn't like, I had bulimia, so I wasn't terribly underweight or anything like that. So nobody could see it. It was something I held very quietly to myself. But my life, my whole life, all I ever wanted to be was a mom and a wife. And I met my husband when I was 18, and I was engaged at 19 and married at 20.

17:19
Then I had a baby at 21 and another at 22. You're just checking them off. Yeah, life moved on pretty quick. And looking back, things moved a little too fast for me. I had a hard time processing, you know, just coming out of my adolescence really and moving straight into this full adult life of a family and everything like that. I struggled a lot. After my second son was born, I had...

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horrible postpartum depression and anxiety again, that just, it was unbearable. And that was about the time my husband said, you know what, you need to seek professional help for this. Were you aware? Were you like, fully aware of that? Everything was pretty, pretty terrible. Yeah, my oldest son was also, he was born with congenital heart and lung defects, and he has a brain tumor and had 24 anaphylactic food allergies.

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So I was constantly anxious about that as well, because I'm advocating for him, and we were all over the country looking at different doctors, trying to find treatments. And so I kind of stifled my own past history and anxiety and focused on him. And that now looking back was an unhealthy thing to do because I just- Survival mode. Yeah, exactly.

18:46
Side note, he is doing much better now. It's like your anxiety is just stacked and stacked and you're just like, the stack becomes the new normal and then we just add some new ones and then we just add some new ones. And do you feel like looking back at that, wanting to have this family, was any part of that like filling a void? Yes.

19:08
I think whenever I first started dating my husband, I thought, you know what, my family life was relatively unstable. I am looking to create the perfect family so I can have that stability now. Yeah, that's a big topic of therapy still for me today. Just, I- I'm rightfully so. Yeah. I mean, I think that years of not addressing things that happened to us when we were kids, it's like...

19:36
I think it's a forever project. I think it is. Do you also, because you were talking like you got, you got started dating, and then you got engaged, and then you got married, and everything started to feel like when you explained it to me, I saw a checklist in my mind. Was any of that like, okay, this next checkbox will be when I am happy, or when I feel fulfilled, or when I am successful? Yes, I was looking for the fulfillment and for the...

20:04
For the stability, that's really the best word I can come up with. I was just looking for a stable family life. Were you finding that with each check mark, or were you like, one more thing, one more thing? No, I did feel that way. I did feel like I found it. The only thing was is all of the anxiety and depression that I had started to get to the point where it was bubbling over. And your husband was noticing. Yeah, and all of a sudden, my boys were.

20:31
about four and five when he was finally like, Lindsay, you have to go seek treatment because you are not well. That takes a lot for him too. Yeah, I reached out to a center here in Cincinnati, a mental health facility, and I originally went in for treatment of my eating disorder. That was what the intake process, that's what I told them was the problem. And so they paired me with an eating disorder therapist as well as a psychiatrist to kind of help.

21:00
And the more I talked to my therapist, he said, you know, I think there are a lot more underlying things here that we need to deal with. And so he suggested that I do a full diagnostic program to see if it was more than just postpartum depression and the eating disorder. And I went through that. It was a 28-day residential treatment program. And I was diagnosed with bipolar II OCD.

21:29
PTSD and anxiety. And once we had those diagnoses, my psychiatrist was able to start medicating me properly. In the past, I had just been on regular oral antidepressants and nothing was working. But once we had that official diagnosis, we could say, okay, this is what it is. This is how we need to treat it. And I did see some progress there. When you got those diagnosis,

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diagnoses and the words that they said to you, did any of that give you comfort that there were names to things? Yes, I finally felt like, okay, I have something that I can treat, something that someone knows what's going on, and I felt I was very comforted by that. Because for so long, I had felt like I was just going crazy. Like I had all these emotions. You're broken. Yes, that's a perfect word, yes, I just felt broken.

22:23
And so when someone said, here, this is what's really going on, we can start putting the pieces together to help you build a life that you want to live. First of all, that's really impressive. I think when you're in this state of depression and deep depression and postpartum, I don't know that, obviously, but all those pieces, it's really hard, I think, and really commendable for you to say, yes, I'm going to do that.

22:50
Yeah, you know, I mean, it's great that someone you love very dearly told you and was honest with you and let you know that it Is probably time for you to do that But good on you for choosing to do it but also to go even farther and do the 28 day Resident like and agreeing to that because that's really big and I don't think a lot of people Would choose that. Yeah, I mean it's hard to walk away from your family for 28 days and

23:17
and say, okay, I'm gonna focus 100% on all these things that are very uncomfortable for me because in order for them to diagnose me, I had to tell them my whole life story. And that was really the first time I had ever done that. And it was scary, it was hard to do. But now looking back, it was the best thing I ever could have done. Really? Yeah. Telling your story for the first time really has some interesting power.

23:42
Did you feel that power telling? I mean, you were in a different type of situation telling it kind of like a Semi-forced way of telling that but also did you feel that did you get some power from that? I did and I felt like this relief like okay Finally somebody can hear me and somebody knows what's going on and i'm not holding all this inside to myself

24:04
Because I really didn't even talk to my husband about a lot of this stuff. I didn't, and I was very isolated. I didn't have a lot of friends, mainly because I just, I didn't want to, what's the right word? I guess I felt like I was kind of a Debbie Downer a lot, and I didn't want to burden my friends or burden people around me. So I was just kind of a loner, and I just kept it all to myself, and that was very detrimental for me. It's not good for anyone, and I think...

24:32
The people that love us and care about us want to hear that as hard as it is. Right. And they're not going to be able to fix it. Right. But there is some kind of fixing power by saying it out loud. And I think it takes the power from it away and gives you the power, if that makes any sense. It takes the power away from the depression and gives it back to you in some ways. So after those 28 days, did that change you? It did.

25:02
Honestly, getting on the right medication combination was a blessing in disguise. That was like, I needed that. It helped my mood regulate a little bit better. I will say it did take probably about two years to get the full combination of medication correct to where I was actually back to functional because even though I was a mom and I was advocating for my son's health issues.

25:29
I wasn't very functional. I was sleeping all the time and I just, I wasn't at my full potential. So once I finally found the right medication combination, I finally felt, I just felt alive again. I realized how much I had missed out on and I found some joy finally in parenting and staying home with these two little boys that I had. So this is like late 20s, I'm guessing? Yes, yeah.

25:57
mid to late 20s. Yeah. So was everything smooth sailing after that? No, not at all. Because it's a lot of work, right? It's not like a one and done, like, oh, I emptied all my feelings and now take this medicine and I'm fine. Yeah. So this comes to that pivotal moment that we're talking about. I had been in therapy for about six years. So in 2016, I was in the hospital.

26:20
I kind of had a back slit a little bit and I was really struggling with, I feel like I'm just a burden to my family because I was still struggling inside with reconciling a lot of the things that I was talking about in therapy and we were doing some trauma work and it just, it was hard. And so both of my boys were playing baseball, little league, and my husband was coaching and I was sitting at their game and I thought, you know what, I just need to go for a drive.

26:50
And I got in my car and I remember sending my best friend a text and I said, I just can't do this anymore. And I got on the highway and at 110 miles an hour, I crashed my car off on the side of the road into a concrete barrier, fully expecting to end my life because I wanted, I just felt like I was a burden and I, I just didn't want to live that way anymore. And I woke up, I had gone through the windshield. I, I woke up in,

27:18
trauma bay at a hospital and a doctor got down. I was strapped down because they weren't sure what injuries I had yet and I had a collar on my neck so I couldn't really move and this doctor got down on his knees and he said in my ear he said I have no idea how you survived what you just survived but believe me it was for a reason and that at that moment I was like it it was this epiphany of you know what maybe

27:47
maybe I really am here for a reason. And there's more to this other than just the pain that I'm living. I'm sorry that you had to face that moment because I can understand the desperation that you must have felt at that before getting in your car. And it's a deep desperation. And it's, I'm sorry that you had to go through that. What I was going to say is what that doctor said, someone probably said to you before.

28:16
Yeah. And it was just like this right moment after probably the scariest, hardest, deepest, darkest part of your life. And it was just like the right thing that triggered the lights on. Like, you know, we're going to do this. I'm sure everything wasn't rosy after that right away. But the idea that something can switch in our brains and go, OK, wait, I am in control of this. I can move through this.

28:46
Yes, and the other big thing that really got to me about that whole incident is I walked away from that crash with only a concussion and a few scrapes and bruises. I had no real severe injuries whatsoever and that in and of itself once I saw the pictures of my car and how destroyed it was, that was that was a big deal. I mean I and that's when I looked at my life and said you know what.

29:11
I remember my husband coming to the hospital and he sat next to me and he's like, he just, he was desperate, had that desperation look on his face. Like, I don't know, I don't know how to help you, but I want you to know I'm here with you. I'm not leaving you. You're not a burden to me and I want you here. And I went on to spend off and on probably five to six weeks in a locked psychiatric ward, different things.

29:38
Sometimes it was medication changes that were dangerous to do outside of a hospital that I need to go to. Sometimes it was, I still dealt with those suicidal thoughts even after that accident. I mean, that didn't just magically go away just because I had that incident. And so there were times that I needed to go to the hospital just for my own safety. Yeah, but you knew to do that. But I knew. And it was easier for me to say, OK, you know, I would talk to my husband and say, you know what, I'm not feeling safe.

30:07
and I don't think this is something I can get through with you just staying home with me for a week. Like I think I need to go to the hospital. And it became easier for me to talk about once my story was just kind of all out there because when something like that happens, your whole family suddenly learns everything that's been going on. Because that was a shock to them, that incident, because a lot of my family had no idea I was struggling at all. And then for them to get a phone call.

30:36
Yeah, for them to get a phone call that, hey, this is what just happened. And it was a shock to a lot of people. But did that offer you the opportunity to have deeper conversations and relationships with some of those people that maybe just didn't know? Yeah, it did. After that car wreck, I spent two weeks in a psychiatric hospital. And family and friends and

31:01
people I didn't even know would even think of me came to visit me and they all just wanted to know what can we do to help, what's been going on, you know, and they started asking me questions and I started opening up and talk about relief. I finally felt like I didn't have to hide anymore and I wasn't just living behind this plastic smile. I was finally able to be myself and to be real and be exposed and I realized people aren't

31:29
getting up and walking away saying, oh my gosh, she's crazy. I don't want anything to do with her. Instead, it brought people together and they wanted to know how they can help me. Was there a piece of you that was like, I probably could have done this all along and shared that with them? Because that's how I felt when I finally realized like what a lot of this stuff was after going through therapy and whatnot. I was like, why didn't I do this earlier? Was there any part of you that was like,

31:56
I guess I just thought everyone would hate me because of this, and now I realize they didn't. Right. That's exactly how I felt. I felt the more I keep coming back to his burden, I just felt like everyone would think I was a burden and weighing them down, and just dragging them dragging me along. They proved you wrong. They proved me wrong. Yeah. Which is good. Yeah. Better late than never. Yes, definitely. Yeah. You spent.

32:26
what you said, like five or six weeks kind of really getting on a path. Yes. I'm sure it wasn't smooth sailing after that either, and it probably still isn't. Right. I did eventually about seven years into therapy, I was in remission for my eating disorder, I no longer really struggle with that, I had overcome that, which was a big deal. So then I just started focusing on the trauma therapy and my therapist at the time had

32:55
had taken another job and moved away. So I kind of had this, I had to start over with someone new. That was hard, but at the same time, yeah, at the same time, she has been probably the best thing that's ever happened to me in my mental health journey. So it's, I've been with her for about five years now. Did you find yourself telling your, telling your story differently? I did. I did. Yeah. I felt more open and more

33:24
just like I could lay it all out there in kind of a raw way that I hadn't done before. Maybe less shame. Less shame. Because my first therapist, like I had mentioned, I went there for eating disorder treatment, and that's what he was there to treat. And he helps me with that. And we did a little trauma work, but when he left and he passed me on to my new therapist, she was there for the trauma part. And so she's worked with me very.

33:54
very well to try to overcome some of these things. Five plus years? Yes. Still or? Still, I still see her every Tuesday. And I probably will for many years to come, as long as she'll have me. And I think that's important to know too. I think a lot of people associate therapy like you just, only when you're in crisis or only when you're facing something you need to quote unquote fix.

34:21
but therapy can be good for just regular, if we wanna call it maintenance. Yeah, and there are some weeks I go in there and we just discuss what's happened in the last week of my life. It's not always the deep, dark secrets. We're not always deep diving into trauma. Some days it's just, how are you doing getting through life this week? What's the biggest thing that you do differently now in the way that you approach life? Do you find yourself on the upswing more or you?

34:51
do, I definitely still have, I still struggle with the depression a lot. So what I'm working hard on now is not just crawling in bed and pulling the covers over my head, instead facing my fears and my struggles head on and calling out for support when I need it. I see her once a week, but maybe one week I need to call and have an extra appointment. Maybe I need to talk to my psychiatrist and say, you know what?

35:18
I think maybe we need a medication change, or can we look at this? Or maybe it's talking to my husband and just letting him know, look, I'm not feeling that great this week. I just want to give you the heads up if you see me acting in any certain way, let me know so that I can kind of figure out what's going on within myself. It sounds like you're way more of an advocate now for yourself. I am, yeah. Than maybe before when you were taking care of everyone else around you and taking care of those things, rightfully so.

35:48
but now it sounds like you're more in tune maybe with... I mean, I guess you were always in tune with what was happening inside in some capacity, but now you know how to get that out. I know how to ask for help now. Yeah, that's hard. It is. That's really hard. It is. Right, but I think once we get past the fact that for the people that we love, we're never a burden.

36:12
because they love us for who we are and what we offer. And that's good, bad, ugly, all the parts, all the things that we offer. Yeah. Once we get past that, I think it makes it a little bit easier to, like you say, like if you're having a rough time, now you can say it out loud, which gives it less power. Yeah. I don't know if you feel that. Sometimes when I'm having like a, I call it a meh day, and I'll tell the people and I'll say, you know, like nothing's wrong.

36:39
Like nothing specific is wrong. I'm just not feeling so great right now. And I'll tell people that. I said, don't worry about me. I just want to share it. I want to get it out loud. I want to get it outside of my body. And usually, you know, I go through my process and I can get back to status quo. But there is a power in being able to share that and not feel bad about it or shame or like you're a burden in some capacity. So good on you for doing that. Thank you.

37:08
It's really been through that that I've found my voice to advocate for other people. How did that come about? Well the facility that I received my mental health treatment from, probably I want to say four or five years ago, one of the marketing women contacted me and said, hey, would you mind filming a video of kind of sharing a little bit of your story so that we can use it for...

37:36
and outreach and to promote our facility. And I said, sure, I would love to do that. And then from that came people from magazines calling me and saying, hey, will you do a magazine article? Tell us your story, tell us, there's been a lot more draw towards mental health in the recent years and people wanna know- Thankfully. Yes, thankfully. And people want-

38:02
to hear other people's stories. And it's just worked out that way. And then through those events, I've had people call and say, hey, will you come speak to this high school group or this nursing school or wherever? Things just kind of fell into place. That's where I am now. That's big though, because I think of the younger version of you full of anxiety. And I would imagine that saying yes to some of those things induces some anxiety. Is that true? It does.

38:31
It does, yeah, but it's definitely not as severe. That's for sure. But yeah. How do you find the yes, or is it easier now these days because you've done it and you've seen it, you didn't fall apart doing it, so you're safe. Yeah, I pretty much say yes to any opportunity that I get because I have this burning desire in my heart to just let people know that they're not a burden, that it's okay to ask for help, that, you know.

38:58
Even if I say, you know what, come up to me after I get done speaking and I will talk to you if you have nowhere else to go. You know, I just feel like I know what it was, what it felt like to be so alone all those years. And I want to get the message out that you don't have to be alone. I feel that too. And I think that's kind of why I'm so passionate about the Lifeshift Podcast and sharing these stories is because it's so important for people to just hear that other people have gone through similar things. And.

39:27
are finding their way through or finding their way with or whatever that might look like. When you go up on a stage and kind of do your speaking gig, do you kind of look at yourself as if you're speaking to your younger self? Is there any part of you that does that? Yes, absolutely. Every time I can almost, I just picture myself sitting in the audience and wishing that in my earlier years, somebody would have said something like that to me.

39:52
And that's a big reason why I do it, because I didn't get that and I needed it. And I wanna make sure that if there's somebody out there that needs it, that I can hopefully play a part in getting that message across to them. Yeah, I found that, you know, it's interesting. I think there's some part of everybody's story that can resonate with someone else. And sometimes I'll have guests on the show and they'll share a part of their story.

40:20
And then I'll hear from people behind the scenes, and they'll say, oh my gosh, when so-and-so said this. And I was like, that's not the part I would have imagined that you would have picked up on. So you never really know how what you say in any moment doesn't have to be on a stage. It could just be in a conversation. You never know how people's words might hit someone else at the right time, at the right moment, kind of like the doctor getting down next to your bed and just telling you, like,

40:49
those words that you've might've heard before, you know, but just at the right moment, they kind of resonated in a way that was kind of unexpected. So I would imagine that the people that you're helping or at least speaking to, there's something in there, even if it's not like, oh, I know exactly how she's feeling, but you know, those kinds of moments. So that's gotta be very fulfilling to hear from a lot of people. You know, I really don't, I don't put my contact information out there only because I feel like

41:19
I can sometimes get overwhelmed with other people's stories and I kind of take on their burden or their pain. And then I wanna fix it for them. So I do better if I can walk up on stage, share my story, talk, and then walk away. I'm not always the best person to call for if you're struggling because I'm- That's understandable. It's hard because I'm a fixer and I wanna take on their problems and fix it for them and I can't do that.

41:49
I like it. It's boundaries. I think it's important. That's hard. That's a hard one because as an empath, you want to help them. Exactly. Yes. And you know, you can't, you don't have the space. And that's okay. You might have it someday. But I think that's, you know, I never really thought about that. I think I talked to a lot of people that, you know, do speaking in whatever kind of way, and maybe it's not as personal as yours or it's, I don't know, it's different, but they're always so available and always so.

42:19
You know, like, reach out to me and do this. And I love that you don't do that because you know you can't right now. I mean, you can. You're able to. You just know that it's not, you don't have the space for that right now. You're still on your healing journey. You're still finding your bliss and your space of happiness. And so I think there's a lot of value in just saying that out loud, because I think as Americans, I think we're taught that like,

42:48
has to be everything. And we forget that we can't handle everything. Right. I don't know why that was so impactful to me, but I do, I don't know, it just seems so counterintuitive to what we're taught, or what we're told is the correct way to do things. And so I do love that, because I think people listening to this that are maybe in a similar boat, or maybe they are sharing their story, but then they just like,

43:17
allow themselves to be absorbed by everyone else's story or absorb everyone else's story. I think they're gonna take something away being like you can create those boundaries. You can. That's good. I like that. Yeah. What's your like what's next? I know we talked early on like next is who knows when you're an empty nester but what do you see? What do you picture for yourself? Do you have these dreams and goals? You know I have a goal.

43:47
or a dream of writing a book about my life. And I've actually started it and I'm about 100 pages in. Whether or not that'll ever go anywhere, I don't know, but I'm writing it for me. Yeah, I'll do it for you. I'm putting everything down on paper so that I have it. And maybe one day I'll share it with my kids or something like that. Or maybe I'll get brave enough at some point to put it out there. I don't know, we'll see. Yeah, I don't know what the future holds. I will definitely continue saying yes.

44:17
to any opportunity that arises as far as a mental health advocacy role. I actually am part of a patient advisory team at the facility where I get my treatment. And so, you know, I participate in anything that I can, just to put mental health, just decrease the stigma of it. It's so important. Yeah. What would your husband say, what does your husband say about you now?

44:46
I mean, he's known you for 20 years. He's known you through the darkest times, or some of the darkest times. I guess you had some of those before him, but, and now he sees you now. Yes, I have to say within the last probably five years or so, our relationship has just blossomed. I think for so long, I was such a mess and he was always just trying to hold the family together and trying to take care of me and making sure the kids were okay. And there was a lot of...

45:14
I don't know if he has any negative feelings about that, but I know right now he feels a bit of relief that finally we can have a true relationship that isn't revolving around me being in the hospital or me being suicidal or me being, having these issues. Or hiding or masking. Or hiding or masking because there was a lot of that that came out after my suicide attempt that he didn't even know. And he had been married to me for...

45:44
at that point, probably 12, 13 years, and he was just, he was taken aback, you know? So now I'm able to be fully honest and open, and we have that line of communication, and we have such a deeper relationship now, and things are much better. Well, I can imagine how open that must feel, like a flower opening kind of thing. Like, you were always there, but you were like...

46:10
you know, closed up a little bit. And now you can comfortably open up and with each other and have a full life together instead of, you know, what I picture if I was in your situation, I picture that those moments I was doing everything I could to be the best wife partner, whatever that might mean, which means that I must hide certain things because that wouldn't make me the best. And now you can be just like

46:41
I'm not perfect and that's okay because nobody is. It's nice to know that we don't have to be perfect. I think there was such a burden, I'm sure you felt from the age of eight that you had to just be great at everything. Yeah, yeah. It feels better now, right? It does, it feels so much better. One of the things I was able to hide so much about me because my son was so sick and I was researching hospitals and doctors and medications and I spent so many years so involved in that.

47:10
that I could hide everything that was going on with me. And that was the distraction. And so when everything kind of came to a head in 2016, it was just like this, oh my gosh, you know, where did all of this come from? Yeah, like you said, it was kind of like that flower just finally being able to open up and I can say, I could take care of him and take care of me.

47:34
We could do both. And you can be wrong, and you can break things, and you can fail at things, and that's OK, too, because you're just being the human that you are. And flaws and all, like all of it makes you you. And I think it gives you your unique story, as tragic as it is. Hopefully, it continues on this happy ending journey that you're going down now with kind of living with intention more and finding the space that lights you up.

48:03
and not just doing the things that you think you should be doing or what other people think you should be doing. So good on you for that. It's very inspiring because, you know, it could have changed. It could have been a lot different. It could have been, you know. And then I'm sure as someone that experienced this as a young child, after that, after surviving that, you probably thought of your kids of how their lives would have changed and how, you know, and those are the things we don't think about in the moment.

48:30
We don't think about, because we just think, if I'm not here, everything's better, because I'm a mess. That's how I felt. And I remember whenever I walked away from the baseball game that day thinking, you know what, they're better off without me. Which isn't true, but this is the lies that we tell ourselves. Yeah, yeah. And I have an excellent relationship with both of my boys now, and they're on the cusp of adulthood. So it's a different kind of relationship, and we have fun together, and I'm so happy to be here.

49:00
And I don't know that 10 years ago, I could have said, I'm happy to be alive. But today I can say that. I like to kind of wrap up these conversations with a question. And I'm wondering if you, knowing what you know now and all the things you've been through, if you could bump into Lindsay at that baseball game that day, is there anything that you would want to tell her? I would have said, you are not a burden. You are very loved. And your family needs you. They need you here.

49:30
not six feet under. Yeah, you needed to hear it. Yeah. You know, and I don't wanna discount it because I bet people in your life told you that. You just weren't ready to listen or hear those particular words and take them in. You know, I'm sorry that you had to go through such devastating times since you were eight years old up until that really hard, hard time, but I bet it's taught you a lot. It has.

49:58
Yes, it's taught me a lot of compassion and empathy towards others and to not be quick to judge other people because you just never know what they've been through. Yeah, no, it's such a weird space to be in. I don't know if you can relate to this, of being grateful for what's come of moments that are really hard, but not grateful for those moments. Yes, yeah. I'm not grateful that my mom died. I'm...

50:25
you're not grateful that your father died or your uncle died or you know or that you chose to do what you did at that time but we sure did learn a lot from those experiences. Yeah, yeah definitely. Well I appreciate you sharing your story in this way and letting me ask questions and relate to to my own journey. It's really fulfilling and I never realized that these episodes would also heal me in a way so just thank you for that. Sure thank you for having me this has been fantastic.

50:53
I don't know if you're going to want to answer this, because I don't know if you want people to reach out to you or connect with you or find you in places, but if by chance you do, where can they do that? My email address would be the best. They can email me. It's my name, Lindsay Ensor, so it's lindsayensor at gmail.com. Perfect. We'll put that in the show notes if you want. If not, people listening can just...

51:21
I am very open to people reaching out. Yeah, for any reason, I'm here. All right, well, I appreciate you. Thank you for sharing that. We'll definitely put that in there. Maybe if you're experiencing something that Lindsay has gone through or knows about or has experienced herself and you just need to reach out, I think she would appreciate that. She's not gonna solve your problems. She's not gonna absorb all of your story, but she might.

51:48
have some resources or something that she can point you towards. So please take the opportunity to either reach out to me, reach out to Lindsay, and thanks again for being a part of this, Lindsay. Sure. And can I say one quick thank you? Of course. Yes. I have invited my medical team to watch this whenever it gets posted. So I just want to thank them, my therapist and my doctor, for the work that they have done the last 15 years with me. They have been a huge part in why I'm still here.

52:18
Shout out to them. Shout out to them for holding your hand through this because it's not easy for them either. So we are so grateful to all the people that are working in that space, that are working with their heart first because it's a lot of work and not all of it needs to just be this medication. People always want a checkbox. They need to listen and hear you. And so thank you for helping Lindsay to get to this place where she can help other people through her story. So yeah, let's shout them out. Thank you for that.

52:48
And if you are listening and you enjoy this episode, I'd love a rating and review or, I don't know, share this episode with a friend that you think might need to hear Lindsay's story. And with that, I'm going to say goodbye. And I will be back next week with a brand new episode of the Lifeshift podcast. Thanks again, Lindsay. No problem. Thank you.