From Controlled to Empowered: Breaking Free from Domestic Violence | Nicole Middendorf

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And I've got my daughter, my now ex-husband, proceeds to grab my son out of his little high chair and is shaking him. And he's like threatening to throw him in the pool and threatening to drown him. He's like, I don't care if you drown. Well, my son is two. Like anytime we had him in the pool, we always had a life jacket on him. Like he knew a little bit, but he like wasn't. He was two, he's just too little to, you know, sweat on his own. And so I'm like, oh my God, like he's like.

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he's actually gonna do this. And so I grabbed my daughter, I run over, and at that time we still had a home phone, it was 2010, and grabbed the home phone and I called 911. And my son is like, you know, just pounding on his dad, like, put me down daddy, put me down, but he is just screaming at him. So finally my son gets down, and so I've got my daughter in one arm, my son in the other, and I'm on the phone, and she's like.

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Police are on their way, like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm okay. She's like, do you want me to hang out with you? I'm like, yeah, I'll be fine. My guest this week is Nicole Middendorf. She's someone that has overcome many unimaginable obstacles and she's transformed her life in the process. Just wait until you hear all the things that she's currently working on. It's super impressive. But in this story, she opens up about her experiences with domestic violence and abuse, and she reflects on the impact that it had on her life and more importantly,

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shares the steps that she took to break free. We'll also explore Nicole's path towards healing, which includes therapy, couple different kinds of therapy, and redefining her own independence. Through her resilience and determination, Nicole has built a life filled with purpose and success. Before we start the episode, I wanted to thank Tracy, Mickey, Emily, Brian, Sari, Nicholas, Gail, and Dream Vacations for all sponsoring episodes each month of the Life Shift Podcast. If you wanna support the show,

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starting at $3 a month, please check out the tiers on patreon.com slash the life shift podcast. And without further ado, here's my conversation with Nicole Middendorf. I'm Matt Gilhooly, and this is the life shift candid conversations about the pivotal moments that have changed lives forever.

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Hello, my friends. Welcome to the LifeShift Podcast. I am here with Nicole. Hello, Nicole. Hello. How are you today? I'm wonderful. Thanks for having me. Thank you for being a part of the LifeShift Podcast. And I was trying to think back of how we got connected. Do you know how our paths crossed? I think it was John. OK. Yeah, John DiCapisani. And I met him a long, long, long time ago. And he had written a book. And I think you two connected over his book. So.

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We talked about, wow, yeah, his journey was really something. And I think it was super important because as all these stories are, I think there are a lot of people out there going through circumstances in which they feel really alone or they feel shame about something that really shouldn't have shame attached to it. And having John come on and talk about his vulnerabilities in the moment in which he kind of had to walk away from his mother because he was, there was the relationship was,

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essentially gone because of what she had gotten into and those kind of things. It was just, you know, I'm so lucky to get to have these conversations and really get exposed to this, but also allow the listeners to, you know, get something that maybe they needed to hear at that moment in time. So thank you for that reminder. Yes. What I love is for the guests to kind of paint the picture of what your life...

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is like leading up to this particular pivotal moment. But before you do that, maybe you can just tell us a little bit about who you are now, just so that we have that context, and then go back and paint that picture. I'm a full-time business owner and a full-time single mom. My daughter's 13 and my son is 15, so I'm in the fun teenage years. I've just loved every stage. It's just every stage is very different. And I always knew I would be a business owner.

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but I didn't think it would be in financial services. But my main business, I left Morgan Stanley 20 years ago. So my main business is Prosper Well Financial. So helping people with their investments. But I also own the building, a 9,000 square foot building that I bought five years ago. So I'm involved in commercial real estate. I own a small portion of a sports company, a tequila company, and then I've got a media company where I've written five books and I hop on planes and.

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inspire people and share my story, because I really believe out of the worst things in life come sometimes the best. And it's really hard to sometimes recognize those and when we're able to get to that awareness and get to that appreciation, if that's not the right word, but you know what I mean, I think it's so helpful to share these stories. But I love that you're in this, like your main business is this financial space, but you're living a diversified.

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portfolio of life. So you're like kind of walking the walk as well. Yes, yes. I love that. So maybe you can kind of go back a little bit and share a little bit about who you were kind of before this specific pivotal moment that we're going to talk about today. Yeah. So grew up as an only child, super strict parents, like beyond strict. And I always get asked like, you know, what, how did you become so successful? And it's because super strict parents.

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I was born in December, so I'm a Capricorn. I'm type A, I'm driven, but I was a figure skater. And so I was at the ice arena. I tell my daughter who skates now, she's got it made because she's at the ice arena at 6 a.m. where I had to be at the ice arena at 4.30 in the morning. So these early morning skating times, and you'd set a goal and then you would achieve it, and then you'd get to the next level and you'd set the next goal, and so.

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I was also blessed to have a figure skating coach who had her PhD in psychology. And so she just worked with me so much of the power of the mind. And I was just very driven and a good student and I was wanting to learn and I was loving to read and write and just be the best that I can be. And my mom really just raised me to be very independent and very goal-driven. And like, if you want something, like you can go get it, but don't expect anyone to help you. Like if you wanna climb a mountain.

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go climb a mountain, but you got to figure out how to do it yourself. If you want to be president of the United States, you can go do it, but you got to figure it out. And so she raised me to be ultra independent. And then both my parents, you know, have that stubborn quality because my dad is part Native American and my mom is fully Swedish. And so I ended up with that stubbornness and that inner fire as well. But I loved skating and I wanted to go to college in Colorado. But my dad sat down with me.

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and made me take out a protractor and a map of Minnesota. And he said, I want you to draw a hundred mile radius. And he goes, if you go to college within that hundred mile radius, we will pay for your college and we will come up and we will help you do your laundry. We will pay for your groceries. We will pay for your rent. If you're outside of that hundred mile radius, good luck, kiddo. And so.

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I just felt like, oh my gosh, my dreams of going to Colorado are dashed away. So I went to St. Club State University, which is in Minnesota, and went to school for international business and marketing and had lived over in Germany. I studied abroad in Germany in high school. And then I also did that in college. And when I was there, that's where I fell in love with United Nations. And I learned about Madeleine Albright. I then learned later about Ruth Bader Ginsburg. And I was like, I want to go to law school. I want to work for the UN.

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I want to change the world and I want to make some major change. I just believe things happen for a reason. I just didn't know that I'd be making change in a different capacity because in college, I met a guy and everything was super fast. Fast engagement. We bought a house. He took my car and got rid of it and bought a car and his name and like, it was just this whirlwind. And all of a sudden I realized here I am married. And

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And now looking back, I saw the elements of control, but when you're in it, you don't see it. Plus it was different than what you experienced growing up. Absolutely. Yeah, oh, absolutely. My parents are still married and just had, and have, and have this great relationship. My mom, I find it funny, as I was taking care of the finances, which is a little different with their age. But yeah, absolutely. I never was...

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And even the other day I was telling someone, I said, everything that's happened to me in life personally, I really feel how protected I am from this bad world that's out there. And how I went to private Catholic school, like how just I was raised in this very Pollyannish world. And I like, still to this day, I've never smoked a cigarette. I've never smoked pot. Like, I'm your traditional good girl. And I...

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and how you're raised, like you expect other people to be like you. And I've had to learn that lesson over and over again that sometimes people don't necessarily have the best intentions and there's people that need lots of help and sometimes don't go get it. So I got married very, very quickly. It's interesting though, you know, I think when someone says, I had very strict parents, there's probably different thoughts that run through people's minds of like,

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I have very controlling parents. I have, or I have parents that are very, they have high, high, high expectations of me and I must always please. And then when you talked about being very protected, it's an interesting, like that didn't necessarily come across my mind as much as like, I think the word strict feels so different for so many people. And it's so interesting that, you know, you were protected because

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the rules were laid out for you. Right. The expectations. Very sheltered. Sheltered, but in a way where you still have to perform and you still expected to do things on your own, which is also, like sheltered, sometimes it's like, I'm going to do everything. Right. So you're doing all this stuff on your own, and now you fall into this relationship where someone is doing things for you. Was there this sense of like, oh, this is different? Yes. But in a good way? Yes. Yeah, it was very different.

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And also, I recently did a lot of PTSD therapy and just finished a new kind of therapy, ART therapy. And in that, I had these aha moments of like, oh wow, like, okay, it makes sense. Like I went from this environment of like my parents kind of deciding my life to getting married and having someone deciding my life. And I'm finally for the first time, really realistically like really only the last three years. Well, fine, you could say last five.

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like having my own decisions, my own building, my own business, my own house, my own car, my own things that I've been doing completely on my own. Not that I didn't make decisions growing up, but like even like where I went to college, it was directly impacted by my parents. But I mean, that's, like I tell both my children, I'm like, until you're 24.

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Your brain is not fully developed. And so I'm gonna give you some guidance and some direction along the way. Yeah, it's like bowling with the gutter things. Like your parents like blocked some of the areas so that you'll at least get to the destination there or that's the visual that came to my mind. It's a great analogy. Because they weren't letting you fall necessarily into the gutter or do the bad things. They wanna steer you and sure you could make decision on where you threw the ball, but you knew you weren't gonna.

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like fall off the edge of the earth, which is, I love that that popped into my head. That's a great analogy. It's a great analogy. No, so, so everything was super fast. I got married very young and had this dream to go to law school and my now ex-husband, you see where this is going, was like, no, like you are not going to law school. You are going to work with me. And he was a financial advisor back then, a stockbroker. And I, and it's interesting because

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back up when I was in sixth grade, because my daughter and I were just talking about this the other night, because she's like, she's talking about her new school, or her new classes at school. And she's like, oh, I'm math, first period. Like, I hate math. And she's like, you're always talking about money. And I'm like, Gabby, she's like, yeah, math is money. And I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm like, remember what happened to me in sixth grade? And she's like, I know, I know.

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Well, in sixth grade, I was always in all the honors classes and everything. Back then, they called them challenge classes. Well, in sixth grade, my challenge teacher for math was gone that day. So we were with all of the kids and the teacher had me come up to the chalkboard and do a problem. He's like, hey, we're going to have our challenge kids do the problem. So I did the problem and I sat down and I'm like, I think I did that wrong. And I went to say something, but I didn't say anything.

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And I did the problem wrong and he made this huge big deal of it. Like how could this challenge student do this problem wrong? From that moment on, I was never in honors math and I hated math classes. And when I got to high school, I hated even more and that's where I was like, okay, I can't do math, which means I can't do money.

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And I find it very ironic now because that's where I, so many women have that. And that's where I feel very blessed being a female in the financial services industry. I'm like, look, like this happened to me. And just because you're struggling with math doesn't mean you can't do money. And that's where I find it very ironic that I'm a wealth advisor, but my ex-husband's like, you got to do this, you know, you're going to work with me. I'm like, no, be like, I can't do math, which means I can't do money. That's how I got started.

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And really it was just, I always knew I wanted to own a business. I just didn't think of you in financial services and anything I do, I give it 180%. It was really cute. My son last night we were out on a walk while I was running and he was on a scooter and we started walking for a bit. And he's like, mom, tomorrow, are you okay if I only give 175%? I'm getting really tired. Football really wore me out. And so.

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And so that's just kind of this phrase that we use as like, you know, effort, like what you put into what you put into things is what you put out of it. And so I always put full effort into things. And so that's where I just worked really, really hard. Well, so January 6th of 2003, I resigned from Morgan Stanley and started my own business. And it was about that same time that I was realizing like I needed to get out of my relationship, like that it wasn't healthy.

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there was a day and really when it clicked for me, it was in 2005, my dad had come over to the house and I don't know if my now ex-husband didn't realize that I like could hear him, but he told my dad to get, you know, some awful words, basically get off of our property and you're never gonna see your daughter alive again. And so it kind of, that was like this kick to me of like, okay, this is, when you're in a domestic violence situation

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and a controlled relationship, like you're like, is this normal or is this not? And like one day they're like treating you like you're the worst person. And then the next second, they're treating you like you're the best person ever. And so, you know, there's this book, Walking on Eggshells which that's like how I was living my life. And it was kind of that final straw of like, this is not okay. Like, this is not normal.

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And so I served him with divorce papers. And I was raised private Catholic. And I was raised like, you can fix things. And no one can, you're the one that can fix it. And so I just kept thinking, okay, I can fix everything else in my life. I've got to be able to fix my marriage. Prior to this, I was always suggesting that we go to therapy or marriage counseling. And he was always like, no, no. Well, once I served him with divorce papers, he's like, okay, let's go. Well, so- Of course.

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Yeah, so we went to the marriage therapist. The marriage therapist said, here's the issue. Nicole, you just work all the time. By then, I was doing my radio show every Saturday. And he's like, you just do work all the time. You guys need to do stuff together and spend time together. And looking back, I didn't have enough. I was always raised, anyone that's older than you is more experienced than you. And you need to have respect for them. And they know better.

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gumption to be like, we work together, like, all the time. And like, I work all the time because if I'm on TV, or if I'm on radio, or if I'm on a speaking stage, and I'm helping people, they're telling me I'm great. If I'm at the office or I'm at home, my husband's telling me I'm such a horrible person and I'm lazy and that was like, like, why would someone want to like, spend time with them?

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And so my husband at the time was like, okay, we're gonna go get our conceal and carry. That's what we are gonna do together. So that's what we did. This is after saying you wanted to get a divorce? Yes. And after you overheard this statement to your father that with the word like not seeing her alive kind of. Yes, yep. I go along and I'm like, okay, I'll get my conceal and carry.

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And part of the thing, like when you're in a relationship like that, and I feel like a lot of people like rationalize things. Like for me, you know, one, I was doing a radio show and at the time I did have a man that was like stalking and calling into the radio station. And so I would pull up at the station and the security guard would like walk out and get me. And so that like, I don't know if I'm the one that rationalized that or.

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My husband at the time was like, well, this is a great thing. This is going to be good for you. But I feel like a lot of times we rationalize things in our life, like the decisions that we make. Like, well, this is why I should be doing something. Or we make up stories in our head of like, oh, well, this is OK. This is OK. And rationalizing things. And so yeah, so fast forward. We have children. And my kids are 17 months apart. Like.

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We got one and then we had the other. And when I was pregnant with my daughter, the second, I was like, I have to get out. Like, this is not okay. By then I had written a safety plan, I had a bag packed, and I had tried to get out numerous times. And that's the thing, I had a conversation the other day with a friend of a friend and they're like, oh, I don't know how to help her leave. And I said, you know what? You can't make someone leave.

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but everyone has their own timing. And like, I mean, I tried to leave for years. Like it's just, it's super difficult. I mean, I remember even one night, I was pregnant with my son, the first one, and it was like 20 below outside, had a sweatshirt on. And I was learning by this time, like you can't argue with someone that really, or can't even have a conversation with someone that's not rationally thinking.

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And so like I would just leave. Well, I tried to leave the room, and it was like 20 below and it was snowing. And I went outside with tennis shoes and a sweatshirt on, and I'm pregnant with our son, and I'm like walking down the side of the road. And of course he comes with the car and picks me up and brings me back and apologizes. And so there's so many times that I tried to leave. What were the, like if you were to look at a percentage of your life or the percentage of time that you were in your marriage,

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on a regular week, what percentage was it scary or like not pleasant versus the percentage of where it was like he was redeeming himself or doing things to be like, oh, to assure you that never again, this won't happen again. Right, it's a super interesting question because the two, I mean, the 911 phone call finally happened which I'll tell you, but there were two things that happened.

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One, I went to the doctor's office. And when you go to the doctor, I always say, thank you so much for asking this question. But they asked me, do you feel safe in your environment? And when someone asks you that enough, and it was finally, and that's the thing, so many times he would come with me to the doctor. And I think it's because, I mean, who knows if it's because they asked that question, but he didn't come with that day. And I was like, I actually don't. I didn't tell her that, but that's what I'm thinking in my head. Oh my gosh.

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But what happened was, is that was enough for me. I journal, I love to write. And so I started in my journal, because he would take my journal and read it. So what I started doing in the right-hand corner was putting check marks. And it was check marks of how many times he told me to kill myself, or how many times he told me that he would kill me, or we live around a lake, and I was pregnant with our daughter, and that I should drive myself into the lake on the way to the office.

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I remember driving one morning and I'm like, I'm pregnant with our daughter and I'm supposed to drive myself into the lake. I'm like, what rational person would ever want to hurt their significant other, let alone their unborn child? It was every single day that there was at least one check mark. If not, there was one day there was like 20 check marks. Me looking through that, I'm like, okay.

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I've got to do something about this. But so what happened, so August 4th of 2010 was the first time that the 911 phone call went through. I tried other times to do it, but he grabbed the phone from me. And even to the point that like I got two phones after he was arrested, I got two cell phones because there was even a time that he took one of them away from me. And I'm like, I have the other one.

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And you just have to be so smart and so like, I hate the word manipulative, but you've gotta think things through to be smart about it, to be able to protect yourself. So August 4th of 2010, ironically it's actually my now ex-husband's, it's his birthday. And so to me, that would be a great day. It was just, every morning he would wake up angry. He was angry in the morning.

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And our daughter, so our daughter was six months old and our son was two. And so our nanny had come to the house to take care of our son. And I took my daughter with me because I had a pack and play in the office and she would sleep primarily when I would work and it was just easier with feeding and everything. And so I, he was at the office. He was just.

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angry and I'm like, what do you want to do for your birthday? Do you want to go to dinner? What would you like to... I just kept asking throughout the day, I have my afternoon and evening blocked off. What do you want to do? It's all for you. Yeah. What's your birthday? What do you want to do? Kept asking. No answer. And so finally, I'm like, okay, I'm going to head home and so I can relieve the nanny. And I'm like, let me know what you want to do. You want me to make dinner? What's going on? You never really would give me an answer. And so I get home.

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We leave the nanny and he just like went off. Like he, there was no gas for the jet ski and he wanted to go jet skiing. I'm like, oh, great. You want to go jet skiing? Okay. And he wanted to take our two-year-old son with him. I'm like, well, don't really think that's the best idea. Like if you want to go jet skiing, you can go by yourself. I'll stay here and watch the kids and I can make dinner or what, you know, like whatever. So we all had to get in his car and go fill up.

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a gas can with gas. And my son had this little Nemo phone. And so I'm sitting in the back seat and I of course had to be feeding our daughter and she like, I would get infections if I didn't feed her and it was just, it was very, like it was very stressful. And so I'm in the middle of feeding her, I was like, no, we've got to go get gas right now. I'm like, just go, like take our son with you and like I'll stay here feeding our daughter. Like it's all good. And he's like, no, you have to come with me.

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And so I'm like, I'm going to get an infection. And if I, well, you can feed her in the backseat. I'm like, no, like that's not safe. And so we get in the car, she's crying. So he's like, take your seatbelt off. You have to take your seatbelt off and feed her. She needs to stop crying. So here I am, he's driving erratically and I'm taking my seatbelt off, feeding our daughter. And he fills up with the gas. We're on our way back to the house.

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And he's just yelling and screaming to the point that my son takes this little Nemo phone and throws it at his dad's head to be like, dad, like, stop yelling, like, stop screaming. Like, what are you upset about? So we get back to the house and I'm like, do you want dinner? Like, what's the plan? I'm like, the kids are hungry. Like Parker, you know, hasn't had dinner. So I get him something. He's sitting in this little bumbo chair and I've got my daughter and

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He, my now ex-husband, proceeds to grab my son out of his little high chair and is shaking him. And I just, I'm watching my head's like, son go back and forth. And all I'm thinking of is like, you know, it's 2020 videos or whatever they have. Like, I'm like, oh my God. And he's like threatening to throw him in the pool and threatening to drown him. He's like, I don't care if you drown. Well, my son is two. Like, he, like anytime we had him in the pool, we always had a life jacket on him. Like he'd-

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knew a little bit, but he like wasn't. He was two, he's just too little to, you know, swing on his own. And so I'm like, oh my God, like, he's like, he's actually gonna do this. And so I grabbed my daughter, I run over, and at that time we still had a home phone, it was 2010, and grabbed the home phone and I called 911. And my son is like, you know, just pounding on his dad, like, put me down daddy, put me down, but he is just screaming at him.

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So finally my son gets down and so I've got my daughter in one arm, my son in the other and I'm on the phone and she's like, police are on their way, like, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm okay. She's like, do you want me to hang out with you? I'm like, yeah, I'll be fine. Like looking back I'm like, what was I thinking? And why was she asking that? I don't know. I'm like, what was I thinking? So I hang up and he runs into the kitchen and grabs a knife out of, like he's ruffling through the.

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silver door and like grabs a knife. So I just book it down the hallway with both kids. And I didn't make it in the bedroom in time to like shut the door. And so, and one of the things that I did learn was a lot of the stuff that happened to me and to our kids happened to within with my now ex husband when he was growing up. And so I just put my hand, I've got both kids and like putting my hand out and like, stop. I'm like, I don't know if this is what your dad did to your mom, but like,

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this is not okay. And it was like all of a sudden, like a light bulb went off. Like this look that he gave me was just like, it's like he was like not himself. And it's like, he just like woke up and then he was ruffling around with something on the dresser and I like didn't know what he was gonna grab. And he then just ran and took off and he left. And so the police showed up, he was gone. They handed me a card to a domestic abuse shelter which I knew because

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I had been teaching divorce dollars and cents classes there and like, how made sense? Like why I had such an affinity to help at these domestic violence shelters because like that was me. They saw you. Yeah. Like they would talk about like this emotion and the chills that I'm talking. They would talk about the emotional circle of abuse and the things that would happen. And I'm like, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like this is me. So they handed me the card. I already had a bag packed, you know, and I went to go stay at my mom and dad's. And so

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I call my, and they put a warrant out for his arrest. I call my mom and dad and like, hey, I'm on my way. And you know, my parents will tell you like, they were waiting for the day that that phone call would come. Like, which is just, I can't imagine, you know, now that my kids are older, I totally see that. And just like, oh, like how heart wrenching that can be. And then my second call was to the domestic abuse shelter. And they're like, you know, do you need a place to stay? I'm like, no, I'm going to my mom and dad's. And they're like,

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Well, does he know where that is? I'm like, well, yeah, he stayed with my parents for a while when I was still in college. And she's like, well, I think you should come here. I'm like, no, that's okay. Like, I'm gonna go to my mom and dad's house. Like that's safe. And she's like, okay, we'll give you an advocate and you know, you should file for an order for protection. And I'm like, what's an OFP? Like, I knew none of this stuff. Right.

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So I get to my parents' house and I get the kids inside and I'm getting like the diaper bag out and my bag and everything. And I hear this car squealing, like these tires squealing. And I look out the corner of my eye and it's my ex-husband pulling up. And I run inside and I shut the door and I lock it. I'm like, mom, like he's here. And my dad was out mowing the lawn. So my mom like run downstairs, like to get my dad's attention to get inside and we locked in that door.

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husband's just pounding on the door like, Nikki, let me in. So we call the police and now Minnetonka police, the city are out looking for him as well. And I didn't sleep at all, six month old and a two year old and I'm supposed to write down the stories of instances that happened and like trying to remember.

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I was married for so long, you know, trying to remember things that happened to the kids, were hired to the kids, like all of that. And then they, I got a call from the police in the morning and he had gone back to the house and we had two suburbans that were almost identical. And so he took my suburban and, you know, to try to trick the police. And it was me, but they still, you know, pulled him over and took him to jail. And so I went with my dad to go pick up that car and go back.

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I went into the office, my parents stayed with my son and I went into the office and here I am like working with my husband who was in the jail. And I just went into my office and I shut the blinds and I picked up the phone and I called one of my friends who was a police officer. I had lived in college with a group of guys and they all became police officers except for one was a meteorologist. And I called one of them, I said, what's bail? Like.

31:48
What does that work? Can someone take your credit card and bail themselves out of jail? And he's like, Nick, what is going on? And so I started explaining to him. Did they not have I did anyone around you? Were you very secretive about what was happening or was he pleasant in front of other people? Yeah, it was like a Jekyll and Hyde situation. But people knew like, you know, I mean, he would come into my office and like, shut the door and like be screaming at me. And so like looking back, you know, like and and.

32:17
you know, like because we worked together, he had control over my calendar. So he'd see that I would have like lunch with my best friend or, you know, a happy hour with my other best friend. And he would like come up with some reason that I couldn't make it and like would cancel things. And like, I mean, we even joke, there's a man that's a client of mine that, and he's a dear friend now. I was meeting with him for lunch and he was a prospective client.

32:44
And my husband at the time showed up yelling at this man, saying that he was having an affair with me. And I'm like, seriously, that's why when people are like, so is it difficult doing business? I'm like, it's actually a lot easier now because I don't have someone stating that I'm having an affair with, I'm trying to work with a male, helping them with their money. How long were you married to him? We got married in November of 98. And...

33:13
August 4th of 2010, we were separated, but the divorce took a while. Legally, we were married for 13 years. So, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I think your story, unfortunately, is not uncommon. I think there are a lot of women in your situation. And I think, you know, from someone that's not lived an experience like that and don't have an understanding, were the decisions you were making on a daily basis, were they out of fear or to keep things...

33:43
level or were there moments where you were rationalizing some of those behaviors and life is fine, this is normal? What was that like? Because that's a long time to be married and to be fearful and be scared. What were some of those moments like? Yeah, no, I mean all of the above. And I'm actually watching a video right now about healing.

34:07
and how when you have so much stress, how it physically affects you. And like I ended up down at Mayo Clinic and I feel like I have some of the health issues that I do now because I lived so like tensely for so many years and like your body, you know, I was in fight or flight mode, like never in that nice normal like how you're supposed to be. I was either fighting like or.

34:35
fear, like what do I do? And it was always, you know, I would rationalize things and I would try to keep things like just calm. But no matter what I did, like it wasn't calm. Like there always had to be a fight with someone or there always had to be chaos or there always had to be stress. And that's where like, you know, I'm so grateful. Like, you know, I wake up in the morning and like I get up.

35:05
And just I'm so grateful I don't have someone pouring a glass of water on me or punching me or yelling at me. Like, I think I should be grateful that that doesn't happen. And I'm like, I can do things how I want to do it. And I can live that life with happiness and, you know, not have people, you know, yelling and screaming. And that was one of the things I had to learn. Like for kids are probably like four, five, five and six. One of their therapists said, here's the deal.

35:35
you need to have a role as a parent of zero to 10. And they're like, you can't be afraid to use your voice. Like it's okay for you to be a mom and a dad. And like I was at a heart, you know, cause I was always like not coddling the kids, but like being that motherly loving, you know, figure. And I really had to learn like how to like lay down the law.

36:01
and raise my voice, and that was very difficult for me to do that. You know, part of me thinks of, too, like, when you started off the conversation, you talked about how very type A and how high achiever and always, like, go, go, go. I wonder if in that, in your marriage period, of all those things that were going wrong, if you were like, well, why am I not succeeding at this? Like, why...

36:30
I could do all these other things. I've done all these other things. Why can't I do this? Yes, absolutely, absolutely. It was that and it was that I was raised private Catholic that you don't get divorced. And like, you know, so one, it was my church, my faith upbringing, but it was also the fact like, you can fix anything. Like you can do anything. Right, and the fear of failure probably from that. I mean, even if we distill it down to that math moment.

36:58
You made a mistake in math. You probably weren't bad in math. You probably made one mistake, someone embarrassed you about it, and then you took that on. And failing is scary for someone. I subscribe to the things that you talk about yourself. I talk to a lot of people about this checklist life of, you have to do this, and then you have to do this. It's always just.

37:25
get your post out, knock things off the list, add more, add more, add more. You know, then you're successful to everyone. And I can see that, you know, I would stick around, like, why can't I fix it? Tomorrow, I'm gonna try this, you know, and things are gonna get better. So I can imagine there's a lot of people that feel that way, is like, are people going to look at me as a quote unquote failure? Absolutely. Because, you know, I was married this long and then I got divorced.

37:55
And now you know better. Yeah. And that's like, I was really, I kept things very quiet. Like, I was really embarrassed about it. And I was asked to be on a panel at a women's conference and it was for business owners. So I was up on stage and I don't remember like what I said or how I said it, but I alluded to the fact that I had domestic violence in my history and in my life.

38:21
And when I got off stage, these women came up to me afterwards and they're like, oh my gosh, thank you for saying something. I'm in this now, or this happened to me. To the point that the woman running the conference was like, I need you to go in the hallway. You're going to disrupt the next speaker. But it was at this- Your time's over, ma'am. Exactly. But it was at that moment where I'm like, oh my gosh, I need to share my story. I need to be open to being vulnerable.

38:50
This is not embarrassing. And it's not your fault. No. And that's where I learned, you know, one in four women are in a domestic violence situation and one in nine men. And so I really, I, especially now, like I feel this obligation to be that. If I, if I can pay spousal maintenance, receive no child support, go through 10 years of court and in full disclosure, my ex now is facing three felony charges and he's in trouble again.

39:20
His current wife has had four restraining orders on him. And so if I can go through all of this and buy a commercial building and write books and be a full-time mom, like, I can inspire someone else to that, yes, like there is life on the other side. Even without doing all those things, I think even without all those checklists, if you make it out and you become your own person and you feel this power in you.

39:48
You're inspiring someone in that way. You don't even, I mean, amazing. Like you're doing amazing things for yourself and your family and I'm sure it feels really good. But even just getting to that other side, you're inspiring other people. Yeah, and understanding that, you know, and vocalizing to other people that I know this wasn't my fault. I know that I did the best that I knew how to do to protect myself, to protect my children. And when I could get out, I got out.

40:16
And that's the biggest thing is like, do what you like. We only have so much information and I'm always, whether it be money or whatever, like advising people, like whatever decision you make, you're making that with the information that you have at the time. And you just make the best decision that you can and take that one step and that next step and that next step. When in this journey, cause I mean, I don't know when it would happen, but when in your journey, did you feel like a different person?

40:46
I hate to say it, but it was when he was arrested with his current wife. Why do you hate to say that? Just because it- Because I feel bad, like I feel bad. Like I feel bad for her. Like I wish I could help, I wish I could do something. But again, like everyone has their own timing. And I feel bad that it's like someone else's incident, but it really what it's driven by is because when everything happened with me, no one believed me. Like in the court system.

41:13
They didn't believe me. And so when that happened- Because there was no incident, like there was no record. Right. Like public record. Like he, you know, because I was on radio and TV, like he wouldn't like, you know, I wouldn't have a bruise. He wouldn't punch me in the eye. Like he'd punch me in the back. And like, I do remember one time, which I was actually just talking to a woman about this the other day, who, you know, cause I asked, I was like, do you have documentation? She's like, yes, I do. She's like, I've gone to the doctor. She's like, they have pictures. Like-

41:42
I said, that's so smart. I'm like, cause I did like, I was embarrassed. Like I didn't, you know, I remember this big bruise on my shoulder and I was like, Oh, I like, I should go in and like, no, no. And but that's, that's, that's the cycle. Well, I mean, I don't, I, I think it's interesting that seeing him, you know, kind of repeat these things, but then seeing this arrest and it's like a validation. It's like, yes, my experience is validated now.

42:12
And I think that's probably a common feeling, but it's so interesting because then at that moment, was it like your eyes opened and were like, dang, I've done a lot of amazing things since, and I've become a decision maker of my own instead of people, you took those gutters out of the gutter, you took the bumpers out of the gutter at the bowling alley and you're allowed to fail now. And if you fail, you're learning. Right, exactly. Yeah. Do you feel like a...

42:42
completely different person or how different do you feel? Yeah, no, I feel like a completely different person. Like, I feel like how I used to feel growing up. When you were a kid. Like, you know, hugging people and just like that cheery bubbly, you know, go, go, go person. But I also feel like all the stuff that's happened has gotten me to slow down and appreciate things so much more. And so that's where like, I was just thinking about this because the last two nights I've gone for,

43:12
I've never loved running because I'm a former figure skater. I gotta be careful with my knees, but I want that runner's high. And so the last two nights I've been out running and my son, two nights ago, he's like, why are you at such and such? And I'm like, cause I ran here. He's like, oh, he's like, I'm gonna come find you. And he comes on his, I'm like, come run with me. He's like, no, I'm tired from football. So he comes on his scooter. Well, last night he did the same thing. And you know, we're going back to the house and I'm just like.

43:42
Wow, like I just had this moment of like, I'm having this great moment with my son and I'm out running and just this feeling of like lightness and like, not that there aren't days that are stressful, but I just handle things so much differently now. And I've really learned to just like let things go and just be really super present in the moment and feeling very appreciative for that moment. It is like.

44:11
We're walking up to the house and it's just like, God, I love this house. I love where we live. I just, it's- It feels safe. Yeah. Like a home should. Yes, absolutely. For the first time, I feel that sense of safety. Yeah, and I'm sure it changed you as a parent as well. I mean, your kids were pretty young when the worst of it, I guess, happened or the precipice to force you out. How has it changed you in that way?

44:37
It's changed me a lot. Like I've had to learn how to be like mom and dad, let alone, you know, now that we're kind of having this, all this stuff happen again, and I have a restraining order again, it's more difficult now. Like I have another mom that her kids are teenagers. She's got a 13 and an 18 year old, and she's going through what I went through when my kids were so little. And she's like, oh, she's like, oh my gosh. She's like.

45:06
it must have been so difficult for you when they were so little. And I'm like, you know what? Now that I feel like I'm going through this again, but now I'm going through it again, but yet I'm removed from it. Like it's not my stuff. It's, you know, it's my ex. It's just, I'm involved because I have two children, but it's difficult. Like it's so difficult. You know, like child protection came to our hosts again. And like, you know, this was the first time ever that my daughter was talking to them.

45:33
where when everything happened when they were little, like, they don't remember child protection interviewing them. They were like seven and eight or something, or eight and nine was like the last time. And they don't remember that. Where like, she's going to grow up remembering that. And like, it's just like having to deal with that stuff, that's where like, I feel very bad. But at the same standpoint, I feel also very proud of all the therapy that they've done. And

46:00
and the people that they are and like how, you know, my son has been through so much trauma and how that shaped him as a person and how both of them are such great friends and people and just, it's very, very, I feel very, very blessed. Well, I think you're probably also modeling this behavior with them and being a good parent. It's very hard.

46:28
I think for parents at any point to talk to their kids about these moments and that, you know, I think as parents you want your kids to just be happy all the time and from my own personal experience, and it kind of relates to this, you're doing the best you can with what you know how to do. You know, I was eight when my mom died at late 80s and the people around me, they didn't know how to help me. And so what they wanted to see is they wanted to see

46:57
me happy. So they would buy me things, they would take me places, and little did they know that it wasn't serving me very well and it was kind of creating a different monster in me in the sense that I always felt that I needed to prove that I was going to be successful or happy and absorbed kind of those things that you, those traits that you had, you know, trying to impress your parents or meeting expectations. And so, you know, I see your kids as...

47:24
Well, from what you've explained, lucky that they've gone through therapy, that they've talked to people, that it's OK for them to express how they're feeling about something and talk to you about it. So you're creating fully fledged humans that have gone through traumatic experiences that will, in the long run, create more layers to them that will help other people. So kudos to you for putting them in that therapy, for having them do it. And just I think that's a fantastic.

47:54
that people don't often think about, you know? Because we're like, oh, we've been in this situation. I am the survivor here, and I need to go through all this. But do my kids? They just need to be happy kids. So good for you. No, that's where I feel very blessed. My kids tell me many times more stuff than I want to know. That's better than the other side. Right, but I'm so glad that they do. Because it's like, you know, I've had some conversations with some other parents of things that happened over the summer.

48:22
And they're like, well, how do you know that? I'm like, because we've talked about it. They're like, wow. I'm like, yeah. We just have had experiences that have made it OK. And partially, too, is also my upbringing. Nowadays, these teenagers are exposed to so much. And I want to protect my kids, but yet I want them to be very independent. And so it's having that ability to be able to walk both.

48:51
angles and have some great conversations with your kids. But it also comes to like, in my work with what I do, I've watched so many people over the years either have like college accounts, like 529 plans, and like never talk to their kids about money. And so that's where for me, I've always given the advice like, your kids are thinking about college, and you need to have that conversation. Like, are they supposed to pay for it? Are you saving for it? Are they getting loans?

49:19
And so many people don't want to talk about things. And so that's where in my personal life and in my professional life, I feel like I've watched so much of like, okay, I need to make sure that I'm having these conversations with my kids. And we have family meetings and communication, because communication is key to everything. Yeah. And it's good that they're telling you more than maybe you want to know because they feel safe. They feel that...

49:44
you are someone that they can come to, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent, and that you'll be there. And I think that says a lot. I think it's funny that people don't talk about those money or go to college. I remember my dad's like, if you want to go to college, you better find a way to pay for it. And it was just like, that was what it was at the time. And luckily, I had been working since I was 14. So I understood the value of a dollar and like...

50:07
How many hours do I have to work to buy that CD at Sam Goody in the mall? $18, I'm making $4 an hour. Gosh, that's going to take a lot. That's a lot of hours. Do I want it? But a lot of people don't have those conversations. But I think you're probably also, I mean, you said it earlier, that whole awareness of how sheltered or I don't know if that's the right word, but how protected your parent, the environment that your parents created for you was. Yeah.

50:37
But I bet you kind of keep that in mind, but also want your kids to make mistakes and, you know, like be people. Absolutely. Yeah, their school now this year just said no cell phones. That's gonna be interesting. Which, and we're one of the few schools that have done that, which, and so my daughter's like, what if you need to get a hold of me? I'm like, it's how it is in the olden days. I call the office.

51:02
You'll take your horse and buggy and go there. And she's like, well, what do we do during lunch? I'm like, you talk with your friends. That's amazing. You learn social skills. Good. I've heard that a couple of schools are doing that around, even in Florida, which is surprising to me as well. But that's amazing. I think we do, like you said, communication is key. And just having these conversations and understanding that someone might not go through the same exact experience as you, but hearing.

51:30
and the things that you did and the things you were able to do after the fact. Right. What do you think is the biggest difference between Nicole now and Nicole married Nicole? I found myself. In what way? And I have, I hate the word balance. I usually talk about blend, but I have such a great blend. I mean, in finance, we should be talking about balance. I know. But I am such like a great blend in life. Like...

51:59
You know, before, like, yesterday, I picked up my kids at five o'clock, and normally, like, I would work, and, like, I was so... I used work as my escape, and I've really learned over these last couple of years, really, like, these last five, is where I've really, like, truly found myself, and really, in these last two years, is where I'm like, why do I go home and, like, work? Like, these are my two... It'll be there in the morning. Exactly. I'm like, these are my two teens, like...

52:28
you know, I need to spend time with them because they're gonna be gone pretty soon. And so, you know, my son and I went out and got the jet skis and went on the lake and filled it with gas and then picked up some food. And I would have never done that before. I would have been like, you know, we're saving money, we're cooking dinner at home. And then this morning, I was like, hey, you guys, because three days a week, I have someone to have this balance and blend. Three days a week, I have someone come to my house at 5.30 in the morning to like do the laundry and all that and make sure they get on the bus on time.

52:57
And then I come here to the office and work out downstairs. And so I saw them, they were getting on the bus and I texted both of them, like, do you guys want to go to your favorite restaurant after football and volleyball tonight to celebrate the first week of school? And so it's just, I have such a different perspective of appreciation and truly living in the moment. And it's not perfect. Like I get sucked into social media like everyone does, but I read, like I do.

53:26
I'm living the life finally, and it took me forever, I'm living the life that I finally, that I dreamt of when I was a kid. And you appreciate it all more probably because of the experiences that you went through. Right. You know, knowing what you know now and the experiences that you're having now and really having, finding this blend of like all the moments and living in the moment. Is there anything that like, if you could go back to Nicole during one of those like,

53:53
911 calls or those moments, is there anything that you could say to her that you feel would be helpful? Um That's a great question. I've been asked this question before in all the therapy that i've done And it's the things that I that I say it's you know, everything's gonna be okay and like trust your guts like if anything, i've really like the nicole now like I I like feel internally like I I

54:22
felt things before. I feel like women in general always have great intuition, but lots of people have great intuition, but I ignored it. Where now, I was in a meeting the other day and I just had this feeling of like, you know, I just don't feel really good about this. And I don't ignore it. Everything's going to be okay. Things happen for a reason and trust your gut. My gut was telling me when I made that 911 phone call not to hang up.

54:51
But I'm like, oh, I'll be okay. And I hung up. And so really trust, trust in your intuition. I would want to tell that Nicole, that her feelings were valid. And that, you know, like if she was scared, that's, you have reason to be. And it goes along with the gut feeling, but it's hard, right? I think it's hard to think back and would we have listened? Would we have...

55:16
taken that advice, maybe if we saw a future version of ourselves that was okay and doing well we would, but sometimes we just need to be seen in those moments and instead of being seen through, which is probably what your ex-husband was doing, he was just looking through you as some kind of object. Yeah. But also I wouldn't have the live it list, I wouldn't have the business, I wouldn't have this life that I do and I believe out of the worst things come the best.

55:46
Like, it's very cool. It's very... And very odd to say, right? Like, I feel like, you know, those of us that have lived through some kind of trauma and we look back on it and we're appreciative of what's come after, it's also very odd to say out loud because you're like, I wouldn't wish that on anyone. I wouldn't wish that on myself. Correct. But it happened. Right. And so therefore, what can we do with it? It's our reactions to what we're provided after the fact. And I think...

56:13
You've made a clear case that you were able to take the reins back and really lead this life of intention and things that you value and that your kids can value. So thank you for sharing your story and just being vulnerable and talking about these moments that I think in society we're kind of told to shy away from or not say out loud. So thank you for that. You're very welcome.

56:38
If people want to learn about the books that you've written or see what you offer in your actual business services or just connect with you or tell you their story or whatever it may be, what's the best way that people can kind of get into your orbit? Yep, I'm on LinkedIn every day writing inspirational stuff so I can go to LinkedIn. Otherwise, NicoleMidendorf.com is where you can get the books and speaking and you can get connected to TheLivitList.com as well as TheProsperWell.com.

57:07
Awesome. We will definitely include those links in the show notes. So if you're listening and maybe you're going through the same experience and you might want to reach out to Nicole and she might have a word or two for you to share or she might have a resource that you can look into. You know, we're all just trying to do the same thing here on this earth. We're trying to find this space in which we can enjoy our days and move through life. And so your story was really super important. So thanks again. Yeah, thank you. Thanks so much for doing this.

57:37
And if you are listening and you enjoy these conversations, enjoy, maybe it's not the right word, but you feel that these stories are resonating with you and you think someone else might wanna hear it, I would love it if you could share an episode or this episode with someone that you think might need to hear it. And with that, I will be back next week with a brand new episode of the LifeShift Podcast. Thanks, Nicole. Thank you.

58:12
For more information, please visit www.thelifeshiftpodcast.com