My Relationship with Coming Out

Speaker 1 00:00:00
What's up, weirdos? Heyo, me. Shit. I got me a little something. Rolled the lights alone. We're about to chop it up with Abigail on a Manic Pixie Weirdo Pocket, a safe space for weirdos of all shapes, sizes, colors, and creeds to relax and speak their piece. So grab a glass of wine and grass the chief as I get off the mic so the main weirdo can speak. Peace. Peace. God.

Speaker 2 00:00:23
What is up, weirdos? You're listening to the Manic pixie weirdo. I'm Abigail, your host, and this is the podcast where we talk about all the different kinds of relationships that you can have in your life. And this week we are talking about my relationship with coming out. Coming out late. Just coming out kind of in general. Yeah. So I have kind of a boring story okay. About me, like, coming out. Well, I don't know if it's boring. That's kind of up to you guys to determine if it's boring or not. What I mean by boring is that it's nothing, like, super extravagant or anything. It's one of those things where it's kind of like a tale as old as time. Like, everybody kind of has this story. But anyway, it's not like a unique story to me. Well, it's unique to me, but it's not unique on a whole as far as the situation that occurred. So I started seriously experimenting. OK, let me back up. So I knew that I was always kind of just attracted to people, just to, like, people in general. I never really, you know, like, I hate to use the word discriminated, but that's, like, the only word I can think of at the moment. So we're going to go with that. I never really, like, discriminated against gender. Like, that never really came up for me. Well, okay, not consciously. I didn't consciously, like, discriminate against gender. Now, this was at a time I graduated high school in 2011, and so previous to my high school graduation, I never knowingly discriminated against, like, gender. This was also, like, way before I was even aware of, like, nonbinary, you know, like, pronouns. Like, gender is fluid. This was way before I knew any of that information. And so I guess I never really, like, consciously discriminated against gender as far as, like, my sexual partners were concerned. I also didn't really have a good grasp on well, first of all, I didn't really have a good grasp on, like, what a healthy relationship was as far as, like, a romantic relationship goes. To me, I kind of just like, to me, a romantic partner was somebody that at that time, to me, somebody a romantic partner was and I'm talking, like, throughout high school was somebody that I could talk to, like, was a friend of mine. But the big difference for me was that we were having sex. And it wasn't really until later in high school that I realized that that's not really what I wanted in a romantic partnership. And it took me several years to kind of figure out that that wasn't the only caveat to having a romantic relationship with somebody. But up until about 2011, I didn't, you know, I didn't have any partners of the same sex or of different genders. Like I said, I didn't know. I grew up pretty sheltered as far as that was concerned. Like, I knew about sex. My parents had obviously given me the talk about sex and all this stuff, and so I wasn't afraid of it as far as, like, I knew what it was. I was educated on how it works, like, all the things, but I didn't ever it was never put in the context of, like, it was always used like, the context it was always sex was always used in was a it was part of being in a romantic relationship with somebody, but also it was with somebody of the opposite sex with me. So I identify as a female, and so it would have been sex would have always been with somebody that was a male. Sort of the context and, like, the lens in which I, like, viewed sex through. But I had always sort of had this, like, curiosity. I never acted on it. It was never something that I acted on or really indulged until later in my formative college years, the first time. But I had always had male sexual partners up until I graduated from high school. And then I started experimenting with women when I was 18, and I kind of started really like, I realized that, no, no, I was attracted to women. Like, I'm very much attracted to women as well as men. When I kind of, like, discovered this about myself, I was in treatment, and there was a woman that I thought was very attractive, and we did some nefarious business while I was in treatment. I don't believe I mean, you guys know, I don't really have the best memory as far as, like, you know, my previous lives are concerned, so I do remember something happening and, like, you know, getting in trouble kind of a thing. But it was at that time that I kind of realized that, like, oh, no, I am sexually attracted to females as well as men. But I didn't really it was kind of one of those, like, I'll put that on the back burner. I can't really deal with that at this moment because I'm trying to deal with, like, all these other things, and that didn't go well, but more on that later. That's for another episode much, much later. But, yeah, so I had that experience, and that was sort of like, I hate to say, like, my awakening. It wasn't really an awakening. It was more of, like a confirmation that, like, no, I am, in fact, attracted to women. So it was like, I gathered this little piece of information, but I couldn't really do anything with it, and I didn't really act upon it until I was about 19, when I was registered in college. And I started to sort of like that was really the time in which I decided that I kind of wanted to see what this was about. What is this about me that I have, like, what is this piece of me that I have discovered that I kind of put on the back burner for a really long time, if I'm being honest? And so I decided to kind of, like, go for it. There was this girl or this young woman that I was very attracted to, and we ended up starting to date. Now, this was at a time when I still didn't really understand gender fluidity. I didn't really understand labels. I was very much aware of, like, the LGBTQA plus community, but I didn't really understand. And, like, I knew what the letters stood for or stand for, but I never really found, I guess, kind of like I don't know. It never it's not that it didn't appeal to me. It's more that, like, I didn't know where I fit in those letters, within those letters. And I kind of, as one does, I sort of jumped headfirst into the deep end and definitely drowned. Definitely drowned. And I think that had a lot to do with the fact that, like, I, you know, I didn't really understand what being in a romantic relationship was for me. I didn't really have any rules. I wasn't really able to unpack that as far as, like, what I wanted in a romantic relationship, what I was seeking in a romantic relationship. I didn't really have a good foundation about what that was, what it looked like, what it felt like, how it worked, either. And so I kind of just, like I said, jumped head first into the deep end and just really hoped I didn't drown. And I did because I ended up choosing to be with this woman who we were incredibly toxic for each other. It was a highly manipulative and emotionally abusive relationship. Then I was in with this woman. I thought that I loved this person, that I was in love with this person. It was a very much a world. It was truly my first experience, like, being in a relationship with a woman, and I didn't know what I was doing at all. I had no concept of anything that was happening. It began to start feeling, like, very, very, very out of control and very, very, very possessive. And I didn't understand. I just did not I didn't have a good grasp on my own. Sort of, like, what my boundaries were. Like, I didn't know at all what I was doing and in any sort of context, not just in, like, a sexual sense either, but, like, in any sort of context with any kind of romantic relationship at all. I had zero like, zero clue what being in a healthy romantic relationship was. I had sort of, like, fictional examples of what I thought being in a romantic relationship was what I thought I wanted in romantic relationships, but I didn't really, like and I but I didn't know how to, like, put those into practice. I didn't know how to set healthy boundaries. I didn't really have any boundaries at that point at all. I didn't have a clue. Like, that's sort of like, the gist of that is that I just really had no idea what I was doing or what was going on. And I started and because and there were red flags. Like, there were so many red flags that I just kind of ignored because I really wanted this to work as far as my romantic relationship and an experience with a woman for my first time, like, what that was like, I am so stubborn. Like, so, so, so stubborn. And I really just kind of went for it as far as, like, I was dead determined to figure out a way to make this work because I wanted to probably very selfishly explore this part of me. And I didn't know how to do that in a healthy way, and I didn't really have any kind of help as far as, like, a guide or, like, a mentor or any sort of, like, real support system to sort of, like, help me through this. But I was so dead determined to figure out how to make this work that I really just kind of tried everything. I did everything that I thought I was supposed to do that I thought that made me a good partner. I did everything that I thought would make me a good partner. I did everything that I thought was right as far as how to interact with this person, how to be with this person. I basically tried everything that I could think of, that the Internet could think of, that fictional books could think of, completely ignoring all the red flags about this individual and probably ignoring for her part in the place. She probably ignored all the red flags about me as well, because, like I said, I had no idea what I was doing, what was happening. And I was just so determined to figure this out about myself that to a certain extent, I feel like I almost kind of used that relationship as, like, a mechanism to discover those things, which, in hindsight, is not fair. That was not fair to that relationship at all. I really didn't know how to be in a healthy relationship. And so there were probably selfish motivations just on both sides as far as, like, we were going to try and figure out how to make this work. And it very much did not end well. We were together for about a year and a half, and during that time, it was incredibly emotionally abusive. I felt very taken advantage of. I felt very manipulated, and I couldn't figure out what I was doing wrong. That was kind of, like, where my issue was. I could not figure out what I was doing wrong, like, why I was feeling these things, why I why I was doing the things that I was doing, thinking that it would make the situation better. And it never did. It never did. And I didn't even know really about, like, how to set healthy boundaries. I didn't know what that was. And I started to get really bogged down by labels. And I think part of that stemmed a lot from the fact that the relationship felt so out of control and so out of, like, my control specifically. And I couldn't figure out why like I said, I didn't know what I was doing wrong. I couldn't figure out why it wasn't working, like, why I still felt manipulated, why I still felt very taken advantage of, why I still felt all of these things. I guess it never really occurred to me that, for my part, I wasn't setting healthy boundaries, nor did I even know what those were. And I didn't know. I kind of resorted to the fawn response. For those of you that don't know what that means, it just means that I became, like, an immense people pleaser. And I that's I mean, it's much more complicated than that, but that's, like, kind of the very basic, general, sort of, like, you know, in a nutshell what that means. And I resorted to a fawn to fawning, and it really, really, really destroyed any sort of sense of control or any sort of sense of self that I had. I really lost myself in this relationship. And one of the things that I really lost myself in was I basically started to claim that I was a lesbian. And I got very fixated on these labels. I got very fixated on hyper focused, like, on labeling what I was, what I am, who I was. My whole identity kind of became wrapped up in this label. And I started to and I mean, like, every single facet of my life. Like, I began to, like, post everywhere. Like, on this was back when I was on Facebook. I had my own personal Facebook page. And I decided that I was just going to, like, let the world know. I was just going to let the world know, and I was just going to come out and say that I'm flat out a lesbian. Like, I'm not attracted to men. I was attracted to men. And I realized that that wasn't really true. And I, like, threw myself into this label of being a lesbian, and probably to a certain degree, like, disrespectfully, because I was so wrapped up in finding some sense of control, something that I had control of. And that became sort of the avenue that I, like, used to channel that, like, need and that feeling of, like, I have to have control over something. And it ended up, like, massively backfiring. Like I said, the relationship was, like, doomed from the start. It really was. It was truly doomed from the start. I did learn a lot, though, and one of the things that I learned about myself was that, like, that in fact, is not true, that I am not a lesbian in, like, the classic sense where, like, I just completely write off men and write off men in the sense that I'm not attracted to them. That just wasn't true. I sort of, like, did a massive flip where instead of being considered straight, I just did this massive flip and threw my whole self into this label of being a lesbian to a point where people that I was friends with were even like, this is not who you are. Like, this is not even true at all. Like, at best you're bisexual. And for some reason that label didn't appeal to me. And I think that that had a lot to do with the fact that the woman that I was with basically sort of downplayed what that means, like, bisexuality and how it was considered like a negative thing in her world and she didn't really, like, understand it. She didn't like it. It was like almost to a point of, like, taboo where it was like, we're not going to talk about that. Like, no, you're gay, you're 100% a lesbian. You just didn't know it until I came along kind of a thing. And then that became, like, normalized. And so I began to sort of, like, think that that was true. The only reason that I had been attracted to men up until that point was because I had not allowed myself to be with woman, to be with a woman. And so but now that I was with a woman, that part of me can just go away. The part of me that, liked men can just sort of, like, disappear and go away because it's not real, it's not who I really am. And like I said, it was to a point that, like, I began to wrap my entire identity into this label and I was looking for a sense of control. I was looking for some sort of relief, like, emotionally and physically from all of the things that I was feeling, from all of the things that I was thinking. And I was very confused and I hate to use confused because that just doesn't seem like a strong enough term. It's just the only word that I can come up with off the top of my head. And to be honest, it was very confusing. I didn't understand what was happening and I very much got wrapped up in this this whole relationship. And it wasn't until I got out of that relationship that I and I had some time away from the relationship and her and her family and that I really began to sort of realize that it's not that I'm not attracted to men, it's that I kind of wasn't allowed to be attracted to men in that relationship. And so I really needed time. I needed time to kind of figure this part out about me. And for a little while. I sort of settled on the label of. Like. Bisexual. Where I was. Like I was very turned off from labels after that. But I still wanted to be able to identify as something because it did give me some sort of semblance of control over my sexuality and what I wanted as far as. Like. A romantic partner was concerned after I left that relationship. And I got some distance we'll say that some distance from the relationship, and I left, and to a point. So basically how the relationship ended was I ended up just having, like, a massive panic attack and going to the hospital, and I ended up homeless on the streets of Chicago for a couple of weeks until I was able to kind of find my way back to a home or a more stable situation. And I actually ended up moving in with this other girl. She really helped me a lot. I've talked about her before, and I owe her and her family a huge amends because I was not stable during that time. And I kind of I wouldn't say took advantage of their hospitality because I did pay rent and I did, like, do my part as far as, like, paying for groceries, getting a job, that kind of thing. I just kind of I was very unstable mentally and I ended up just kind of, like, leaving one night in the middle of the night and getting fired from the job that she helped me get. And that's not I'm not proud of that because that's kind of a stain on my life. And if I ever see them again, I owe them a huge debt of gratitude and a massive apology and a huge amend for them helping me during that time. But the reason that I bring them up is because when, you know, they very graciously allowed me to be with them while I was trying to get back on my feet. Her mom was a lesbian, or is. Excuse me, is. And I remember kind of not knowing how to approach the situation as far as, like, I had questions. Like, I had so many questions and I didn't know how to get my questions answered. And so I kind of just watched and observed. And there did come a point where I sort of began to learn various and unsundary things about what a good relationship looks like. How to take care of that relationship in more ways than one. Even from. Like. Very simple things about. Like. Certain kinds of toilet paper that you don't want to buy. Like your nails needs. Like. Things that I just didn't know about how those kinds of relationships worked and the dynamics between them. And I learned a lot in a very short time from her mom about it. But they were very accepting. They were very, very accepting. And at that point I had completely given up on labels. Like, I was totally just like, I was like, I guess I'm not really gay. Like, I don't really know what I am. At best, I'm bisexual. And I kind of latched onto that for a little bit about just kind of being bisexual. And I was like, that will work. Like, we'll just it doesn't feel right, if that makes sense. It just it will do for now kind of a thing. I hope that makes sense. But we're going to take a short break and we'll be back. What is up, you guys? I wanted to talk to you a little bit about our sponsor for this episode, Newslete. It's an audio app for iOS and Android where they basically take articles from all over the world and all the trending topics that are on the web at any given moment and it reads them to you in like a natural voice, like a human being would. It's basically the first time in the history of the internet where the entire web becomes listenable, it's really cool, you guys. They have all different kinds of articles from all different kinds of topics so that you can like, stop scrolling and start listening, which I really love. You can follow any topic, all the topics, whatever topic you want to talk about or listen about from Sports, Science, Bitcoin, even the Kardashians, like, everybody, they have all the latest articles and it reads them to you. So it's super easy. They also have podcasts, which is why I'm talking to you guys about it because our podcast, along with podcasts from over 50 other countries are on the app. So that's really, really cool. You can start listening there as well. It can download and use Newsly for free right now at www newsley me. Or you can use this link in the description and when you use the promo code, p one, X one, EP zero Dcast, that will give you a free month of premium subscription to newsletter. So go check it out, you guys. And thank you so much to Newsly for sponsoring this episode. And we're back and we are talking about my relationship with coming out and coming out late and just kind of coming out in general. So, yeah, so I started getting I kind of like latched on to this idea of like, okay, maybe I'm bisexual. Like it doesn't feel correct. It doesn't feel like super right? But we're going to go with it because it's the best I've got right now kind of a thing. Okay, so here's the timeline. So I got out of that really bad relationship, that really, really, really highly abusive relationship with that woman that first time had a panic attack, went to the hospital, was homeless on the streets of Chicago for a while, couple of weeks, went and found my way kind of like, back home to, like, the place that I called home, moved in with this woman and her mom. This young woman and her mom, like, was starting to get kind of back on my feet. And now, at this point, I was still highly I was still unmedicated. I didn't have any medication at all. I was really kind of even sort of like my mental health diagnoses were very much up in the air. I didn't really feel like anybody really knew I was on medicated. I was not going to therapy. I was not in any kind of counseling or anything like that. And let's say at most four months had gone by since I officially left that other toxic relationship. So what did I do? What did I do? You ask? What did I do? Did I take the time and really, like, start to try and learn things about myself and unpack these things and discover kind of, you know, what I wanted in a romantic relationship, what I thought I wanted in a romantic relationship, those kinds of things? No, absolutely not. I did not. I jumped headfirst into another relationship with a woman who, oh, by the way, didn't even live in the state that I was living in, lived in California. And it was kind of one of those things where it was like we met online. We met through a Facebook group. Like, first of all, do not recommend one star. Absolutely do not recommend doing this. Maybe it's fine. Maybe it's fine for some people. It didn't work for me because I jumped into this relationship, and I didn't know it at the time. It wasn't until later that I knew kind of what was happening. I was in a manic episode. I was having a manic episode. And for those of you that don't know, manic episodes can last for a very long time, like, months. They can last for a while. And I was in the middle of a manic not in the middle. I was kind of starting on the upward slope of having a manic episode. And then during this relationship that we were with that I was with this woman, I was, like, right in the middle of having a manic episode the whole time. And again, a very toxic relationship because I didn't learn anything. I hadn't really, like, truly tried to figure out what this was. I thought the best way for me to figure out what was going on with me was to try again and just maybe it would be different this time with a different person. And it wasn't. We were both very mentally ill, and it was abusive as well. Emotionally, mentally, physically, not really spiritually. But I, at that point, was not concerned with that. I had also kind of, like, moved out of a stable place that I had been living with that other woman and her mom. I moved out of that stable place and moved in, got a new job because I gotten fired from my other job that they helped me get, by the way. And I moved in with this guy that I had met at a party who told me that he could get me a job with his dad. He did come through. It was legit, but that was not good either, because we were doing nefarious things. We were not doing good things with each other. We were kind of bad influences on each other. There were drugs involved. It was physically abusive. It was emotionally abusive. And then I got into this other relationship. And what I mean by, like, I was on the upwards of a manic episode. I don't know if you guys know this or remember this, but Paul Walker so the guy that I was living with was a huge car fan. He wanted to race cars. That was his big deal. He loved cars. They were like his life blood. He absolutely, like I learned a lot about cars from him. Now, for any of you that want to know, I can, like, do basic things, like change the oil, check the fluids, like, that kind of thing. But if the check engine light comes on, I'm useless. Don't ask me to do anything. I have no idea. But I learned a lot about the structure of the car, like how things how cars worked. Like, mechanically, it was pretty interesting to me, but he was very passionate about cars, and so that was kind of the thing that he wanted to constantly talk about. And he was a huge fan of the Fast and the Furious series, and especially Paul Walker. And Paul Walker died, and we got this wild hair because he died in California. And the girl that I was dating at the time say it all comes around, I promise. The girl that I was dating at the time lived in California. Now, did she live anywhere close to the place that Paul Walker died? No, absolutely not even close. Like, on the totally other side of the state, not anywhere close. But we got this wild hair idea that we were going to drive to California so I could see her, and then we were going to drive back drive back to Chicago. And we did. And along the way, we ended up she ended up coming back with us. Now, the whole situation was kind of bad from a start, because when we got first of all, we hadn't even known each other six months, and we had only ever talked to each other online. And when I got to California when we got to California and met her at her place, she, like, proposed to me. And of course, I said yes, obviously, I said. Yes, because I wasn't even no, I wasn't even 21. I was 20 at best, and I was 20 at best, and she was 27. So I thought I was, like, cool, because I was dating this 27 year old, and I was only 20, and she was cool. She had, like, tattoos, and I actually got one of my tattoos while we were in California. And she was really cool. She was kind of mysterious. She was broken like I was. Of course. We stayed for about a week, and then we got the wild hair idea to come back to Chicago and bring her with us. So we did. And when we got back, that's when the partying really started. That's when the heavy partying started. I was in a manic episode. She had severe mental illness as well. Her medication didn't, like, stopped working. I don't remember if it stopped working or she ran out. It doesn't matter, because we were mixing drugs with those medications, and all of us, like, all three of us were, and it was not good. It got physical to a point. We were, like, fighting all the time. I was not in a good place. I was manic. And she was not in a good place either, because her medication wasn't there. And we were doing a lot of nefarious things like drugs. And that relationship ended up ending very quickly. Very, very quickly. And it ended with her actually going to a mental hospital in Chicago and then going home to California. And it was bad deal, you guys. We were all over the place, and it was very toxic, and I didn't know what was really going on. I had thought that I was in like, I knew the situation was bad, but I couldn't figure out why, because, again, I thought I was doing everything that I was supposed to be doing. Now, did I really change anything that I did during that time and in that relationship? Absolutely not, because I hadn't given myself time to learn from the mistakes that I had made in the first relationship with a woman that I had. And after that, I gave up. I was like, I'm done, and I'm done with labels. I don't know who I am. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what's going on, but I'm done with labels, and I'm done latching on to labels, and I just, like, gave up on labels. I still identified kind of as bisexual because it was still the only thing that I really could say for certain that, yeah, I was, in fact, attracted to men and women. I had been in two relationship. I've been in relationships with men and women. I've only ever been in, like, I would say, four serious relationships as far as romantic relationships are concerned in my life. And every single one of them I got proposed to, but only one worked out, and it was with a man. It was with my husband, but I still sort of, like, latched onto that label of, like, bisexuality, because I was like, I didn't know. I didn't know that there were all these other terms that applied to sexuality and gender, and I didn't know that gender was fluid, and I didn't have any sort of, like, graphs. I was really, really wrapped up in my own world. And like I said, I was very manic during that time. I wasn't on medication. It wasn't until after I got out of that second relationship that and I kind of got sick and tired of being sick and tired. And I got on medication, and I was able to go back to therapy because I was making enough money to go back to therapy, and I was going back to school, and I was able to go back to school because I was on medication, and I was going to therapy, and I wasn't in a romantic relationship with anybody. And then, as it would happen, I got the oldest child card played on me and ended up having to move back to texas to be with my family and because they needed help with my youngest sister, who is almost 15 years younger than me. And so my parents are old, so they needed somebody to come and help them with that because she's a little ball of energy and all the things, and they couldn't keep up with her, so they needed help. So I came back to help them. I moved back to texas to help them. And for a number of reasons, that wasn't just the only reason that I moved back to texas, but that was, like, one of the big reasons why I moved back was to help them with my sister. And so I moved back, and I really wasn't interested in being in a relationship. I was like, I need to be single for a while. I really need to be single for a while. And at that point, I was 22, and I moved back when I was 22, and I was uninterested in being in any kind of relationship with anybody at that point. I still was sort of, like, on the bisexual train, but I still didn't really know. And I was still trying to figure out a bunch of things like the medication, what medications were, and I still didn't really have any sort of, like, good diagnosis for myself as far as, like, what the hell was wrong with me. I had inklings, I had suspicions, but it really felt like nobody could tell me what was wrong with me. Nobody could give me a definitive answer. Everybody was coming up with, like, you know, 10, 12, 15, 30 different things that could be possibilities as to, like, what could possibly be wrong with me, but I never got, like, a definitive answer. And so I was still kind of in that phase of like, well, does this medication work? Does this medication work? Does it help? Does it hurt? What's going you know, like, all these things. So I really had no room to be in any kind of romantic relationship with anyone. And so I kind of took a step back. Excuse me. And I didn't really want to do anything with anybody for a while. I was in a new place again. I was still trying to, like, figure out my own stuff, figure out my own shit, like, what was going on with me. But when I moved back, there was this girl that got in touch with me that I had known her from high school, and she had gotten in touch with me, and we were kind of, like, hanging out. And she kind of opened up to me about her experience. And I wasn't really ready to open up at that point, really about my experiences or any of that, but I was willing to listen to hers. And so we kind of hung out for a little while. We didn't really do anything. We just kind of hung out. There was always that kind of like, undertone of like we were attracted to each other. But I really wasn't ready to be in a relationship with a man or woman at that point again, until one day, the man who would become my husband reached out to me. I guess he reached out to me through social media somehow. I think it was Facebook. I still had a Facebook at that time and like a personal Facebook. And I guess he figured out that I was in Texas again, and I was only like 2 hours away. And we kind of like, picked up where we left off, which we had been really, really, really good friends in junior high, kind of throughout high school a little bit. But we had really gone our separate ways after I left. And I decided that I needed to know. I really needed to know. I needed to know if this because I had very strong feelings for this guy for a very long time. And I didn't realize that those feelings were still there until he reached out. So I decided I need to know. I need to know if this has potential and if this could actually go anywhere with the two of us. And so I decided to give it a shot. And obviously the story kind of, you know, that's all she wrote, I guess, because now we're together and we have been for a very long time, and we've known each other for a very long time. But during that time, I was really able to explore and learn and understand not only what these labels mean, but what they represent, what they are, how to kind of go about using them in proper context, what they looked like, what they felt like, what they meant. And that was and I got really lucky with my husband because he allowed me to explore and not explore in a physical sense because I had already had been in relationships before, and I was really not interested in being with anybody else other than really trying to focus and make this work with him. But he gave me the room to learn and understand and be able to figure things out about my own sexuality that I didn't really know before and what those things kind of meant. And I was able to really, like, learn about gender and gender fluidity and what that means and how that all kind of works and what that looks like. And I was able to really be able to kind of explore the various and uncendary different podcasts and different books and those kinds of things and be able to have a greater understanding for all of these different labels that were part of the LGBTQ plus, QA plus acronym, I guess. Is it an acronym? I think it's an acronym. I don't know letters, but, like, what they all mean and all of those kinds of things. I'm very grateful to my husband for allowing me the freedom to explore those things and have a greater understanding for them, because what I realized during that time was that I am not necessarily attracted to a gender. I am attracted to people. I'm just attracted to people because what I'm most attracted to is, like, the personality, who you are as an individual, what you believe, what you like to think, how your mind works. I'm just attracted to people. And I kind of decided that that was who I am because I've had both negative experiences. I've had negative experiences with both men and women in my life. And so that kind of and what I realized was that because I have had negative experiences with both men and women in my life, that people are just people. And it's not really about the gender for me, it's about who you are as a person. And, like, that's more important to me. And so I became very comfortable with this idea that, no, no, I'm just attracted to people. I'm not attracted to a specific gender. I don't care about any of that. That's not important to me. That is so far down on the list of things that I care about as far as what you identify as, whether that sexually or whether or with your gender identity. Like, that, I don't care about that. That's not important to me. What's important to me is who you are as a person and your personality and are you interesting, like, can we have a conversation? But it's not important to me, like, what those things are attached to. It's more important to me, like, those things are way more important to me than what you identify as. And so I began to be very comfortable within that. And once I realized that I'm really just attracted to people, I was really comfortable with that, and that's what felt right to me. It was like this light bulb went off, and it was like, oh, okay, I'm just attracted to, like, human beings. Okay? I can live with that. I can live with just being attracted to human beings. And for a long time, I didn't know that there was a word for that. It wasn't until very recently that I realized that there is a word for that, and it's called being pensexual. But I think that's sort of how it was supposed to happen for me. Where. Like. Because I was so attached to labels for so long. And I kind of threw my whole identity into being labeled. That I needed to step away from that and really just sort of. Like. Give myself room and space to kind of figure out to figure out those things for me and that the label would come later. The label would come after. And it's not really important about what you label yourself. It's much more important about what feels right to you as far as, you know, your sexuality and your gender and your sexual identity and things like that are concerned. And so to a certain extent, I'm very, very grateful that I didn't know what pansexuality was until very recently, because I think I needed that room and that space and that time and that freedom that, you know, I was given to really come to an understanding within myself about I am truly just attracted to human beings. That's who I'm attracted to. It's just human beings. And there are so many other things that are important to me outside that are much more important to me outside of what those labels are, that it doesn't really matter to me. Like, that's so not important to me that it's almost, like, non existent in my world. It doesn't matter. It doesn't because I can't be so focused on that. That's not why I'm here. That's not a part of who I am. So I'm very grateful that for a lot of things, but I'm also very you know, I was a little bit frustrated. I was a little bit frustrated with the fact that I didn't know that pansexuality was a thing. And it wasn't until I learned that term and learned what it meant that I was like, oh, there is a word for what I am, and that's the word for it. So, yeah, I hope that's kind of like that's a little bit about my story. I'm pansexual. I don't really care. I'm just attracted to human beings, and it makes me happy that that is who I am as a person, which to me is a signal that that's who I am, and that is the correct label for me as far as, like, if we have to put a label on it, then I guess we'll label it that because that's the word that's the word for me. So, yeah. Thank you, guys. So much for listening. I really appreciate it. If you like what I said, if you didn't like what I said, love me, hate me, whatever, email me manaquixyworth@protonmail.com. You can always do that. You can always reach out. If you have a story that you like to share or anything like that with me, feel free to email me. I'd love to read them. You can also reach out to me on Twitter at MP. Weirdo Podcast the checktock and Instagram are the underscore main underscore weirdo one. We are on Kofi now. And so if you'd like to donate and help and support and help the show that way, that would be really great. If not, you can always write us a review on Apple or Spotify. That would be really, really helpful too. It always helps the show. Thank you guys so much for listening. I hope you liked it. And as always, be kind and stay weird. Have a good one, guys. Bye.