EP 187: Valentine’s Day Special - How To Write Non-Escapist Romance

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The Nuts and Bolts of Writing, Season Two. A podcast where we talk about literature, the ins and outs of writing, and how to actually start writing.

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Hi, everyone. Happy Valentine’s Day! Hope you are having a great time with those you love, which can be your significant other, parents, children, and other family members and friends. 

We will be talking about a subject that me and the other co-hosts have been thinking a lot about: How to write romance in a non-escapist manner.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with writing romance for escapism. It is a good way to release stress, after all. However, what if you don’t want to write romance for escapism? Also, escapism can be damaging if you are too obsessed with it. I’ve experienced that first-hand. 

After graduating from law school in 2017, I had a difficult time securing full-time employment due to a mixture of things, mostly graduating into an oversaturated market, and a lack of relevant connections. Law is one of those fields where it’s very important to know the right people. If you don’t, you will not get a stable career.

This lasted several years, in fact, and it didn’t help that the pandemic happened in early 2020, when things were beginning to look up. 

As such, I became obsessed with my characters to the point of not wanting to think about my career or other real-life things. The lockdowns didn’t help, so I became more and more obsessed with writing romance to escape. Luckily, this didn’t really show in my published works. But it was very obvious from my private conversations with certain people, especially our co-host, Tete DePunk, who had similar experiences regarding her relationship with writing romance.

So here are some notes that co-host R.N. Roveleh put together about writing romance. Out of us three, I believe she has always had the most balanced approach to writing romance from an objective standpoint.

First, when writing romance, it’s important to keep in mind that In real life, when 2 people get together, they bring to the table everything they are. Their personalities and experiences will reflect in the way in which they interact with each other, even in the way they have sex. 

If you get together with someone just because they have a hot body: 1. It’s not romantic. It isn’t wrong; sex can be cathartic, especially when we have issues we have to deal with, and you can show that in your book (but don’t make it romantic because it isn’t)! 

And 2. You’re an asshole! That person is not just a hot body, they’re a human being, and they’re just as complex as you are; if you don’t see that, you’re an asshole. 

So, if your protagonist falls for someone because they’re stunned by how hot the person is, it’s not love; it’s lust, it can be an obsession, but not love. If you want to present it as love, show why that person feels special to them beyond being hot or cute. There’s always a reason why we like something: we associate certain traits with certain behaviours. 

And here are some of my notes for writing romance:

To know if your romance story is escapist, ask yourself this: how do you feel when you write the sex and romance scenes? Are you incredibly excited? How do you feel about the scenes that aren’t romantic or sexual? Are you motivated to write them, or do you just want to zip through them so you can get to the romantic and sexual scenes?

Chances are, if you only want to focus on sex and romance and ignore everything else, you’re using your characters’ romance story to escape. This is perfectly fine if this is your goal and you just want a way to relax after a hard day. However, if your escapism is overwhelming the other aspects of your life and you don’t want it to control you anymore (or your characters’ stories), you should step back and think about the other aspects of your characters. 

Ask yourself the following:

1. Who are your characters outside of the romance?
2. Why do your characters want to be in a relationship? Is it just because they want to feel turned on and loved? Are there any other reasons for wanting to be in a relationship? 
3. What is the relationship between the story’s plot and the characters’ romantic relationship? Is the sole point of your story romance? Even if the focus is on the characters’ relationship, there may be other themes you want to explore, such as classism, unemployment, relationship with siblings, social changes like inflation, and the death of a loved one.

Hope these tips help! Stay tuned for another episode of the Nuts and Bolts of Writing. The next episode will air on the