Transcript

Mother’s Day — the Good, the Bad and Ugly

Mother’s Day was invented in 1907, by Anna Jarvis.
Originally meant simply as a simple day to honor mothers, it expanded to include others who mother and became a national holiday in 1914, which meant it became a more commercial, card-buying/giving holiday which “Jarvis spent the last years of her life trying to abolish the holiday she had brought into being.” Isn’t that sad? Even the creator of Mother’s Day thought it had grown into something too commercial!

Mother's Day | Description & Facts
Mother's Day, holiday in honour of mothers that is celebrated in countries throughout the world. In its modern form the…
www.britannica.com

Mother’s Day can be very tough for those whose mothers have passed away, or for those who have living mothers who are less than ideal or even abusive. There is such *hype* around this holiday and the smarmy, overly emotional posts on social media can be a bit much.

I had a really good mother, especially considering that she did not have an especially good mother. My grandmother was mentally ill (she was diagnosed with schizophrenia sometime in her 30s I think). She struggled all her life with it, and had to be hospitalized for 6 of my mother’s childhood years (age 6–12). She did get a bit better and was able to be out of the hospital for several years. There are pictures of her with my mom at my parent’s wedding, and she posed with her mother and mine and baby me for a “4 generations” photo. She held it together until my grandfather, her husband died in 1959. That triggered her illness to return and she had to be committed again. Sadly, she never was able to leave the mental hospital again — she died there, three years later, in 1962, at the age of 53.

I remember the large brick Allentown State Hospital (a mental hospital) where she was. I waited with my father in the car when my mother went to see her mother. How sad that must have been. The whole thing makes me sad now, they didn’t have the treatment or the drugs they have now, and my mother’s family wasn’t wealthy so there were not a lot of options for my grandmother.

I know she was sensitive and artistic, that she liked to paint and write poems. That she knew “good fabric” from shoddy and that she encouraged my mother and aunt to lose their Dutchy accents or they “wouldn’t be able to leave” Coopersburg PA. It seemed to me that when she was well, my grandmother (Ethel) had an air of what some call the “genteel poor,” — those lower income people who have upper class sensibilities and good taste.

My mother used to wonder what would have happened to her mother if she had been wealthy and able to be cared for privately, at home. One wonders.

Not much else was said about my grandmother and she died when I was only 4, so I never really knew her. She died in the mental hospital, of breast cancer. I tried to get her medical records but they had put in the new HIPPA privacy laws by then and I would have had to hire a lawyer to petition the court in order to see them. I was stunned that this was my grandmother and I was her closest living relative and I wasn’t allowed to see her medical records (my mother had passed a few years before that and could not be asked about it).

As it turned out, I did get breast cancer (my Dad’s sister had it too, so I guess I had an increased risk). My cancer was caught very early and I only needed a few weeks of radiation, so I was really lucky. It would have been nice to have those records and at least learn a little more about her.

The good part of all this is that Allentown State Hospital was part of a movement to humanize and improve mental health services — “first opened in 1901 by the The Germantown Homeopathic Medical Society of Philadelphia In 1904, the cornerstone is placed in a section of east Allentown called Rittersville.” It was originally a homeopathic hospital, but gradually shifted to more traditional medicine by 1912, when it was named Allentown State hospital.

This area of Northeastern Pennsylvania had a tradition of more holistic approaches to healing. My first pediatrician was a Doctor of Osteopath (I remember her because she was a kind white-haired older lady who looked a lot like my grandma — back then! A female doctor!). In fact, the School of Osteopathic Medicine is in Philadelphia, it was the third such medical school established in the United States, and it opened in 1899.

What is Osteopathic Medicine?
Patient care Osteopathic physicians believe there's more to good health than the absence of pain or disease. Learn more…
osteopathic.org

A few paragraphs from the article above describe what osteopathic medicine is.

“From their first days of medical school, DOs are trained to look beyond your symptoms to understand how lifestyle and environmental factors impact your well-being. They practice medicine according to the latest science and technology, but also consider options to complement pharmaceuticals and surgery.

As part of their education, DOs receive special training in the musculoskeletal system, your body’s interconnected system of nerves, muscles and bones. By combining this knowledge with the latest advances in medical technology, they offer patients the most comprehensive care available in healthcare today.

By focusing on prevention and tuning into how a patient’s lifestyle and environment can impact their wellbeing. DOs strive to help their patients be truly healthy in mind, body and spirit — not just free of symptoms.”

It should be noted that when I was 15 months old and not yet walking as my peers were, my parents took me the pediatrician who was a DO, and she told them to leave me be, and definitely NOT “walk” me like the other young couples in our neighborhood were doing. It was quite a competition in 1958 — who walked first. I love that my mother didn’t buy it. I walked soon after that, and my Dad said I just started to “run.” I love that story.

Part of this tradition is the “natural” and outdoor approach of some Germans, who came over to settle this area in the 1660s and later. In fact, there were a large number of German immigrants who fled religious persecution in Germany who fled to America in the 1700s and 1800s, among them the so-called “Pennsylvania Dutch,” which included Mennonites, Reformed German, Amish and other Protestant groups such as Lutheran (which we were).

Why are the Pennsylvania Dutch called so when they're actually German?
Most of us have heard of the Pennsylvania Dutch community in the United States. However, it might be surprising to know…
www.iamexpat.de

They came to Pennsylvania because William Penn had created an atmosphere of religious freedom and tolerance.

This is a very long-winded way to say that my grandmother had good care and was not subject to abuse that I know of. They were unusual in that part of the country at that time.

As I researched this article, I discovered a whole trove of research about Pennsylvania Dutch folk remedies. Using a potato to get rid of a wart sounded familiar to me, I think a lot of traditions have this.

Of course, herbal cures were used too, and Germans brought them to Pennsylvania when they immigrated.

The small world of the German town in PA could be oppressive though if you were a creative type, and I believe my grandmother found it so. My mother had mentioned that my grandfather was harsh and even would throw dinner plates against the wall if the food was cold when he got home. Truly abusive, if this is true, which I think it is.

So the environment wasn’t great for my grandmother and I think it helped her mental illness manifest — that is what the doctors told my mother when my grandmother had to be re-admitted in 1959 — that her illness was caused by her environment. It at least contributed to it.

Luckily, when they were small, my mother and aunt were able to live with my great grandmother, my mother’s paternal grandmother, who lived nearby. They lived with her and their father for the six years that their mother was in the hospital. I knew “Grammy Leister” as we called her until she died when I was 10, and my brother and adored her. She had mellowed by then, because she was quite harsh and exacting with my mother and my aunt. My mother was a creative kid — spacey and messy and my great grandmother saw it as her duty to rectify this.

There were tough moral comments too — when my mother didn’t make her bed, my great grandmother would tell her “Only sluts don’t make their bed.” The German culture’s emphasis on cleanliness and order was difficult for my somewhat wild and creative mother. My aunt was more buttoned up and did not suffer my great grandmother’s wrath as often.

My mother sought refuge by visiting her great grandmother, Grammy Leister’s mother, Amelia (Millie) Adrain, who lived until 1954. I was born just 4 years later (darn — missed her by 4 years!) Millie was bedridden later in her life, but she loved books and encouraged my mother to read. Grammy Leister thought books were just a big waste of time!

The community was not supportive at all — in fact parents told their children they could not play with my mother and her sister. It was the 1940s, and people were suspicious and fearful about metal illness. Luckily, they had each other and their family to watch over them, however imperfect they were.

So when I think of Mother’s Day, I often think about how I had this wonderful mother who somehow did not let her early circumstances interfere with being a giving, loving mother. How grateful I am. My mother did have her own demons, and experienced depression and anxiety. We didn’t call it that then. Back in the 1960s and 70s, people just coped by “keeping busy” or drinking but would get worse, but not until they fell apart would anyone notice and treat them. We called it “having a nervous breakdown.” There was very little awareness of mental illness or how to detect it. I think everyone got valium or similar.

However I also think of my grandmother and how hard her life was, and how I wish I had known her. No one spoke of her after she died, except for my mother, who did tell me stories about her, which I clung to. She was robbed — years of her life. I feel like I would have loved being with her. I feel like I got the gift of writing from her. No one else in the family on either side writes.

So my sympathy for people with less than perfect mothers is big, and for those with abusive or cold mothers, or mothers who abandoned them. There are some adult children who are grieving the mothers they never got to have, and the life they didn’t get.

I say Happy Mother’s Day and bless all mothers, but I don’t assume you had a great time and I don’t worship all moms. They are complicated and human, and it’s not simple for sure.

So Happy Mother’s Day to you and yours, and if you had a great mom, be thankful. And if you didn’t, I see you. And here’s a hug.

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Episode 13: Mother's Day -- The Good the Bad and the Ugly (some of my family's story)

Mother’s Day — the Good, the Bad and Ugly

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