Episode 6: Sadness and your path through it: Grief

Unknown Speaker  0:24  
This is Lynne Thompson with the Storied Human, I'm going to do something a little different today, I'm going to do a short solo episode about something that I really care about something that's very close to my heart. 21 years ago I lost my mom was very sudden, and it was very sad. And I was not prepared for it at all. And I can tell by reading some things that I've read since and by exploring some things with a therapist that I probably did some things that made it worse. So part of me doing this episode is to help you avoid those things. So what exactly is grief? The Mayo Clinic says that grief is a strong, sometimes overwhelming emotion. For people regardless of whether their sadness stems from the loss of a loved one. They might find themselves feeling numb and removed from daily life, unable to carry on with regular duties while saddled with their sense of loss. Grief is the natural reaction to loss. Grief is both a universal and a personal experience. individual experiences of grief vary and are influenced by the nature of the loss. Some examples of loss include the death of a loved one, the ending of an important relationship, job loss loss through theft, or the loss of independence through disability. Experts advise those grieving to realize they can't control the process and to prepare for varying stages of grief. Understanding why they're suffering can help as Kentucky to others and trying to resolve issues that cause significant emotional pain, such as feeling guilty for a loved one's death. Mourning can last for months or years. Generally, pain is tempered as time passes. And as the bereaved adapts to life without a loved one, to the news of a terminal diagnosis or to the realization that someone they love may die. If you're uncertain about whether you're grieving processes, normal, consult your healthcare professional, outside help is sometimes beneficial to people trying to recover and adjust to death of a loved one. Yes, we grieve when we lose people that are close to us. And that's a terrible deep grief often. But these past two years with COVID have brought a kind of grief into our lives. Some of us lost our, you know, freedom to go out, we've we were stuck inside, some of us lost our jobs. And some of us lost people and weren't allowed to say goodbye. I lost a friend in the beginning of 2020. And he had been one of my best friends my entire adult life. And I found out he died. And I even found out when the service was, but I wasn't allowed to go. Those kinds of things that have been happening to us are the reason I wanted to make sure I did this episode because we have grief all around us now. The pandemic has brought very confusing feelings, and worry about the future. And we need to remember how to take care of ourselves. And we need to remember that everyone grieves differently. So some of the things that we can grieve over are a loss of a job, a loss of a relationship, a loss of a family pet mean, you can have a pet for a really long time and they're a member of your family, it's very hard to lose them. And, of course, losing someone close to you. And even that's very different. If you have a complicated relationship with the person, you might be grieving that you can never fix it. And that's a certain kind of pain when someone dies. And you know, now you'll never make it better. Or you're just very close to someone and they leave you and you had no idea what it would feel like or what to do with those feelings. I certainly didn't. Some people to have sickness and they've had loss of health and that's a grieving of a different kind. Or a loss of their youth, they start to feel aches and pains and older, maybe not so excited about the future. Maybe they're taking care of a spouse, who's ill, and there's grieving involved in that. So my real point is that we're all going to grieve. Everyone's going to lose somebody, people die. And we don't seem to talk about it enough.

Unknown Speaker  4:53  
I mean, there's a lot of good information out there. But we don't seem to know what to say to each other.

Unknown Speaker  4:59  
So What's the difference between grief and depression? And how do you tell what you have? Or do you have both. I mean, there's something called complicated grief, which is actually a combination of depression and grief. And this is what I ended up with. And I had never even heard of it. I just knew that I was spiraling, I wasn't getting better. And that's your first sign that you need to seek help. If you're not getting better slowly over time, I mean, it does take time. But if it's not an upward trend, you should seek help. So basically, the differences between grief and depression are grief, has irritability as a hallmark of it, deep sadness, difficulty practicing acceptance, seeing or hearing things related to the loss. Depression includes guilt, unrelated to grief, preoccupation with worthlessness. Prolonged difficulties functioning, and maybe even suicidal ideation. The similarities between grief and depression are intense malaise, sleeping disruption, loss of appetite, and weight loss. So you can see that it's hard to tell sometimes what you have. And it's a good idea to check in with yourself, and make sure that you're not experiencing both, and that you don't need help to get better. I just wasn't getting better, and I seem to be getting sadder. So I went to a therapist, and she said, I had complicated grief, which is depression mixed with grief. I didn't even know there was such a thing. But you need help. At some point, everyone needs help, at some point. Most people do, I did. And she helped me so much, the therapist was kind and gentle and compassionate. And she helped me work through where I was, which was in a state of sort of deep sadness, I missed my mother so badly, she had suffered a lot at the end of her life. And I think sometimes when I thought about it, it wasn't just losing her. It was the sadness over the suffering. And I just think that we are not taught how to deal with that. We're kind of taught that if you take a drug, like you watch all these drug commercials on TV, if you take a drug, it makes everything better. But the real truth is that sometimes you don't get better, and sometimes you suffer. So that was really hard for me to process. I also found that I was sad when I would talk to people and they didn't understand how sad I was. And it made me sad for them that they didn't understand how close you could be to someone that that that someone just left a big hole in your life. So what does it take to get through grief, I wanted to cover that today, I wanted to make sure we all know how to take care of ourselves because I didn't do such a great job. Like eventually I did go to a therapist. But in the beginning, I did this thing that I do, my personality is like this, I, I isolated myself, I almost picture myself like a wounded animal licking their wounds, you know, I just didn't want to go out, I didn't want to do anything. And that's really not good for you. It felt like the right thing to do. And my husband was very accommodating, he would take the kids and they would go out and say, Oh, I can't really do that today. And he would just go with them. And leave me be like I said I needed and of course he had never lost someone. So he just thought Oh, this must be what you need to do. I gotta say to you don't do that. Really made myself worse. It felt like what I needed, but it wasn't. A lot of times in life, what we need is not the easy thing to do, you know. So if I have any advice, it's get yourself out there continue to participate, you might not feel the same in social situations, you might not feel a beat. You might not even be talking that much. But you're out there with other human beings who care about you. And that's super important. So some of the things that we can do specifically to help ourselves when we're feeling deep grief when we're just starting to grieve someone. There are six ways to cope with grief. Number one is surround yourself with people who care. This can include friends and family members. And it can also include support groups consisting of people who are also experiencing loss. I didn't go to one of these but I kind of wish I had because it's super helpful to be around people who understand what you're feeling. Because that's sort of what makes you feel lonely is you're you're surrounded by people who don't know what you're feeling.

Unknown Speaker  9:43  
And while you're with caring people share your feelings in ways that feel right to you. It can really help you cope with grief. Take good care of yourself. This is hard to do, but you have to remember that you know you can't drink your way out of it or sleep your way. through it, you have to take good care of your health. And after you lose someone close to you, you may be tempted to dwell on the past. And although it's normal to think about your loved one and to remember good times, you need to make the effort to focus on the present too, which includes eating well, you need to get enough rest, see your doctor as needed and avoid any temptations, you may have to use alcohol and, or medications to try to numb your feelings of grief. I think this is the hardest one for people to do. Because it's like the last thing in the world you want to do is take care of yourself. But it's so important if you want to make your way through this, and not make it worse. And try to let others help you. People who love you will likely try to help you. They may, for example, tell you when they notice behavioral changes in you that are concerning, they might spend extra time with you so you don't feel so lonely. But they may give you extra time and space to process your feelings. If a friend or family member is doing something especially helpful, let that person know. Conversely, if friends are giving you extra space, for example, but what you really need is a visitor or to let them know that. Like I said before, I isolated myself too much. And I probably shouldn't have done that. Postpone major decisions whenever possible. This is such a good one. You know, you're just not yourself when you're grieving, especially right after you lose someone. And grieving takes a lot of patience. Give yourself time to grieve and avoid selling your home for example, or quitting your job. unless it's absolutely necessary. You can make major life decisions much better when you're feeling more like yourself again, take time to adjust to your loss and to your new normal. This is just gold. You know, like just if we were taught this, I think in general, it would help everyone like we're all going to be grieving, we're all going to have to go through it. And we have to understand that it's a moment in time. It takes time. And during that time you're in a special state. You're not really capable of making those big decisions and you shouldn't do it. Number five is considered grief counseling. Talking to a counselor one on one can help you work through your sorrow. So can therapy groups define what's best for you. Talk to your doctor or your friends and family members who have gotten counseling for grief in the past, or who are in the process of counseling now, you can also check with your church or synagogue, local hospitals or hospices for recommendations. I know my local hospital has a regular grief group that you can go to. Remember, it's a sign of strength, not weakness. When you ask for help. It means you want to take care of your health and move forward. Take charge of your new life. It helps to have things to do every day. It's really important to write down your weekly plans. Make sure you include your social events like walking with friends joining an exercise class, or bowling league, visiting the library, volunteering or more. Each person is unique and so is each relationship. So it isn't surprising that Pathways to Coping with grief are also unique. Find what works for you. And to repeat advice given earlier. Be patient with yourself. And with the grieving process. That was the weird thing about what happened to me was I had some weird advice. Like somebody in my extended family said, Well, it takes a year, you have to go through each season without the person and then you'll be better. And it kind of made sense. But honestly, guys, it took me two years before I felt totally normal. I mean, I was better the second year. But it took me two full years. I was just super close to my mom, and it was way too soon to lose her. And I just didn't deal with it well. So I hope these things help you. And I hope that you respect your journey through grief. Everyone takes the time they take and it's really important. Even if you feel shaky and you want to be alone, it's really important that you not be alone. Because I looking back that made everything worse for me. I should have pushed myself to stay in touch with people who cared about me. And one more thing. How do you help someone who's grieving? You know, a lot of us just don't know what to say we don't know what to do.

Unknown Speaker  14:26  
Here's an idea. If it's a friend or a family member, someone you care about.

Unknown Speaker  14:34  
Just tell them you're really sorry and give them a hug. That's all you have to do. I'm so sorry. And give them a hug. It's huge. It helps so much. And then say Is there anything I can do for you? I was going to bring you a meal with with lunch tomorrow help. This helped me so much. My friend brought over a huge plate of sandwiches. I had my stepmother up from Georgia, my father where they were staying In my house, the kids were little, we were running around, we were planning the service, she brought this big plate of sandwiches over. And we had lunch, I didn't have to think about it, it was so nice. So try to do things like that. But mostly ask the person, ask them what they need. If you're close to the friend, right, you can tell them, I need you to go get this for me, I need you to run this errand. I really could use, you know, groceries, people need something to do to help you. So make sure they have something to do to help you. But don't worry, if you don't know what to say at all, because the thing that helps people the most is for you to just be there. Just be there with your friend, hold their hand, sit close to them. Just be there, make cups of tea and just sit, just sit with the silence and the sadness. Because that way you share it. And they're not alone. That's the most important thing I can say to you. So don't worry about saying all these things or knowing what to say. If you could just be there for your friend, you'll help so much, you won't even believe it. I hope this helps a little bit. I hope that you have learned a little bit about how to deal with grief. And I wish you nothing but the best. And I hope that it gets better for us with the pandemic. And we don't have that feeling of sort of grieving our old lives. You know, there are signs that things are improving. And that's great. But I really wanted to do this episode because there's regular grieving over losing people. But there's all this other grieving that we're experiencing now during COVID. So take care, and I'll talk to you soon. Thanks. So thank you for your time. I hope you learned something today. And I just wanted to let you know that I looked at the CDC site and the Web MD site and a couple other sites about grief so that I could help bolster what I had to say personally. And all of those websites and resources will be in the show notes for this episode. And feel free to share it. It's important information. And especially the CD site, the CDC site is very helpful for right now and the kinds of grief and loss that we've experienced during COVID. So thank you and I'll see you again soon on the story to human and thank you for listening to the story of human and take care. And now enjoy a few more bars of my new intro and outro song written by my son Brendan Italian. I love that Brazilian feel, and I really like having his original music on my show. So enjoy

Transcribed by https://otter.ai