After nearly crashing my marriage, I learned how to do marriage better and help others in their own marriages.
“Success is tying up your failures and then standing on them.” — Dave Ramsey
“A bird doesn’t sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.” — Maya Angelou
2000
She was running a nightclub. I was a Top 40 DJ.
Both of us had separate journeys and different life experiences, but it seemed that God was working in both of our lives. She had just started going to an awesome church and was loving it. I had been dumped by 2 women who ‘ditched me’ for Jesus. Needless to say, I wasn’t too happy with God.
She invited me to her church on one of our first dates. Something changed for me that night: I didn’t think God was out to get me.
Flash Forward
We were married just north of New Orleans during Southern Decadence weekend (that happens to be a rather “flamboyant” weekend in New Orleans). Our marriage weekend has some great stories. (plus some great pix — like our pastors’ wife with a guy wearing chaps. Sans pants.)
We were in a great church that God used to smack us around a bit (in the best way possible). I threw out my huge porn collection, and thought all was well.
Not the case.
The computer was not my friend — to me, or my marriage.
Next we decided to move closer to her family to begin our family. A ministry job for me and a sales job for her, it seemed well and good. Our kiddo came into the world in September 2005. I love being a dad.
The porn issue would come and go, stronger urges some days, lesser on others. Like the tide, there was a constant ebb and flow in my life. There were great months with no issues, then a couple days where the bottom would fall out.
She was always on my side. Several times she said -
“We have to stand together against this, not battle against each other.”
She is one smart cookie.
But porn was killing our marriage.
2007
Two years into my cushy ministry job, I was yanked from my place of “leadership” — not for any wrong doing — they simply decided to place someone else in the job.
I quickly rolled down hill. The porn urge was intense, and wouldn’t go away. I fought with it, I had blockers and filters, and I found my way thru every one. I erased histories, and denied what I was doing on the internet.
She would find traces of my internet issues, and would confront me. The Line was drawn. I needed help.
I tried an Anonymous group, but it wasn’t for me. Then I joined a great group of guys who struggle with all sorts of stuff. They are doing life together and growing in the process.
I met with a friend during the week, I went to meetings. I was talking about my ‘stuff’. Still no breakthrough, so it seemed.
Late summer 2008, we vacationed. It was a difficult trip for us. We weren’t communicating well. Everything she said, I would jump down her throat, and she would jump right back.
It seemed we were on a road to fighting all the time — and ultimately breaking up. I needed to figure out how to save my marriage. Something had to happen.
I started reading about marriage.
First it was John Gottman’s The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Now, that book got my attention!
So, I kept reading. I wanted to communicate better with my wife and wanted to get thru our difficulties. All the while, knowing that my porn habit wasn’t making it easier.
One evening as we strolled through our local Barnes and Noble, she picked up Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, by Kevin Leman. She read a couple pages in the bookstore and decided to buy it. I read it all. (I think she is still in the first chapter 10 years later.🤣)
Plus, a non-marriage book that rocked my world
Next up, the two books that really changed my life. God in Search of Man by Abraham Joshua Heschel and Sacred Sex: A Spiritual Celebration of Oneness in Marriage by Tim Alan Gardner.
Heschel’s book is not about marriage — directly. His premise is that God loves mankind, and has made a marriage ‘type’ commitment — a covenant — to a group of people (the Israelites — or Jews, as we know them today).
That book inspired me with thoughts that I longed to take to heart — experiencing wonder in all things, enjoying commonplace things as spiritual adventures, the significance of time, and God being here, now, in this moment, involved with what is going on.
I knew all of these things, but I wanted it to be more than ‘head knowledge’ for my marriage and my life.
I learned that, In Jewish thought, a man is encouraged to take a leap of action before taking a leap of thought.
Do Something, instead of just sitting and thinking about it.
In every act, we either return, and get closer, to God, or we step away and get further from God. In every act, the goal is not the act performed, but the life transformed. Every moment is an opportunity to be closer to God and be transformed! Wow!
These concepts intrigued me; I wanted to spend time (perhaps the rest of my life) figuring out how to live that way — and making these concepts a reality.
The other book — Tim Gardner’s ‘Sacred Sex’ — reshaped my thoughts on marriage.
He says the goal of sex is the ‘big O’…(and it ain’t orgasm).
It’s Oneness. Loving the whole person, not just their body parts. Connecting at a deeper level. Putting God in the middle of the marriage relationship.
What did this mean for my marriage?
What did this mean for my porn habit?
First, I realized that it’s about more than body parts. Next, I realized I needed to grow up and love my wife completely. Finally, I knew that I needed to take action, and not just take in information.
On the Business Front
At this very time (or season, as my wife would say), my computer crashed. Gone. I had to get a whole new system.
When the new computer arrived, I made a public declaration that I wasn’t going to look at porn. I knew I needed to take a stand in this area to improve my marriage too.
I continue to be interested in my marriage. My reading list continued — Sex God by Rob Bell, The Ten Commandments of Marriage by Ed Young, Kosher Sex by Rabbi Shmuley Boteach and more. Lots more.
Honor my marriage. Honor God. Get closer to him with choices I make.
That’s where I began this blog.
Here are my 2 reasons for writing about marriage:
1. I want to keep thoughts about marriage in front of me.
It’s important for me to learn as much about healthy marriage as possible. Keeping positive marriage thoughts and material in front of me helps our marriage. There are many facets to a great marriage like communicating better, raising kids together, dealing with finances better, and of course, having better sex (because marriage includes sex!) (If we are each others only source — why not make it as good as we can — right?!). Learning and reading about each of these areas helps our relationship.
2. To pass along what I read and learn to anyone else who wants a better marriage.
If I keep all this marriage advice bottled up inside, it’ll just grow old and stale. The information I am learning isn’t just for our marriage. Ultimately, our heart is to help give life and encouragement to others, to pass along what we’re learning.
The quote from Dave Ramsey is right. Why not learn from the failures in our lives?
And Maya Angelou seems spot on. I don’t have all the answers. I just have a new song that I want to sing.
If I can pass along something that I have done wrong, and you can learn from it, or be inspired to not do the same thing, or do something better — that’s terrific.
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