The Entropy of Bitterness

Welcome to the podcast where I invite you on a journey to explore meaning vulnerability and purpose through the lens of a life lifting geekdom I'm David Monteith and I am the naked geek.

Hello, welcome back. And today I want to start off by telling you of a beverage which, basically, I'm just telling you about this because it just takes me way back. It makes me feel proper old school and it's a beer called, called Rhubarbra Streisand. I mean, seriously, how do you resist this?

It's got a seriously fun and colourful can with the likeness of the great lady herself on it. So, I mean, that's just fun to begin with, and this is another one from Brew York. Remember I mentioned them in the previous episode, I talked about the Battlestar Galactica one that they did. Um, and this one is 5.5%.

And this is how the website describes it. A delicious tarted, creamy, big bodied milkshake, IPA rammed with a rhubarb vanilla, and just a smidge of fiery ginger. Now that's all well and good having that description from the company, but I'm here to tell you those rhubarb and custard sweets from back in the day. Remember those? If you're a certain age. If you turn them into liquid, make them alcoholic and put it in a colourful can. This is exactly what you got here. This drink, this Rhubarbra Striesand - it's pure retro on the tongue. So that's another one I'm chalking up to brew York, seriously. I mean just the name on its own is enough.

Anyway, what are we talking about today?

Right. So I've been watching the Witcher on Netflix. Now, in case you don't know, the Witcher started life as a series of books and short stories by Polish author Andrzej Sapkowski. The world he created has been expanded into comics and successful video games. They've also been adapted into a film called the Hexa and two TV series, which I didn't know.

I didn't know any of them. So you've got the Witcher on Netflix and the Hexa. And I'm so curious as to know what the heck's it was like, because I am loving Henry Cavill as the Witcher in this most current Netflix show. To be fair, I'm loving Henry Cavill in most things. I still say we need another Man from Uncle. And I'm saying that as a fan of the original TV series. Anyway, I digress, now the Witcher is medieval fantasy. And in this world, a Witcher is a mutant trained from childhood to be a monster hunter and the TV show centers around Henry Cavil as he tries to escape his destiny. Now, one of the fantastic things about the show is that it requires you to pay attention, because the story is not told in a linear fashion. And it took me a while to work out that each episode shows you events from like a minimum of three different points in time. Now, once I figured that out, I was just impressed that a studio went for this kind of storytelling. I'm just shocked that the production people weren't, you know, really reticent for that kind of storytelling, but they went with it. They trusted an audience and in my mind, that's paid out. Anyway, I watched the first episode ages and despite enjoying it, I never went back. You ever do that? I have no idea why I didn't go back, but while I was recovering from, COVID had a little time on my hands and I decided to get back into it.

I am so pleased. I did. I've loved every episode, but, here's why I'm talking about it. And you know, I'm not, I'm not proud of what I'm doing about to tell you because it forced me to face an ugly truth about myself. So for context, I'm watching episode two and there's an elf woman in it who looks really familiar and it takes me awhile.

And then I realised I taught her. I was her first acting teacher and I'm like, wow, that's amazing. Now the next day I'm watching episode three. And it's the only episode where they show a Witcher who is not Henry Cavill. Uh, this guy looks familiar too, and it's my good friend Gudmunder from Iceland air quote, funny, because I struggled with these names in the end, I ended up calling him, Godman, every time we got a little bit drunk, but that's another story. Um, we shared a flat In Poland together last year we acted together, we got drunk together and we generally had a great time in Poland. So it was damn cool to see this dude on the show. And then I felt a bitterness. And I'm going to be honest, it's not the first time. Last year I discovered a series called Siren, which was on Scifi in the UK. I think that's where it premiered, but I think it's now available on Amazon. Um, now Siren is about mermaids, but don't be deceived. These mermaids are carnivorous. And if they're around, trust me, you want to get out of the water.

So it's, it's a really interesting take that I keep meaning to go back to. I mean, it survived for three seasons, so you know, can't be all bad. And one of the main characters for all three seasons turns out to be another student of mine, another student that I was their first acting teacher. Uh, so again, amazing.

Now a few years back, I was the star of a film, which had Charlotte Richie in it, who is now the lead in the brilliant BBC comedy Ghosts, which incidentally is so damn good. If you haven't seen it, you really should get an iPlayer and check it out. They're doing a remake in America and I'm like, I don't understand how this genius thing thats only been, I mean, it was, it was out last year. Season two was out last year. It's not even like dead in its grave. You're making a remake... I don't understand. Anyway, that's not the point either. Here's the ugly bit. I want to be happy for my friends and students. I do. I really do. In reality their success is my success. But is it? I don't get no money. I don't get no exposure. I don't experience the joy of working on what looks like some truly fun projects. I don't get to go to comic con and meet my fans and I have to face it. I'm bitter. I am. I mean, I've been doing this for a while. Where's my accolades? Surely it's my time. Now I've paid my dues and I'm struggling. I'm struggling monetarily. I'm struggling for time. I'm bitter that these people, especially those that have come after me are doing better than me. Now I'm at a weird conjunction in my life after being hospitalised with COVID and coming close to a bad outcome.

And after a conversation with my best friend about our podcast Geek Syndicate, go check it out, which has been running 16 years, by the way, it was a conversation about our highs and lows and the future of our podcast. And after evaluating what I've achieved and haven't in my life, I realised something. I'm looking in the rear view mirror.

Every emotion I'm feeling all that bitterness is because I'm constantly comparing and lamenting what is happening now with my past disappointments, with my failures, the injustices, or the unfairness of my situations. I'm over 50. And I'm thinking about how much time I have left. And instead of forging a way forward with positivity and purpose, I'm being weighed down because I'm looking backwards more than forwards and letting that backwards lookingness shape, what happens next?

It means a deep weariness has taken hold, which hasn't just affected my work. But my relationship with my wife. How'd you keep the magic alive if you're living in disappointment and bitterness. When I went into hospital Siobhan, my wife said that watching me, she genuinely didn't think I was coming back.

So in the light of that, I'm making an attempt to change my mindset, to live in gratitude and to take my eyes off the rear view mirror, no matter how comfortable wallowing in my misery is. If I want to revitalise my marriage and achieve anything worthwhile and maintain some kind of joy in life, I don't really have a choice.

I want to watch the Witcher, Sirens and Ghosts and thrill to it, love it, enjoy it without this weight of bitterness. It's too heavy. It's not serving me. So as cheesy as it sounds, I'm deciding to explore gratitude every damn day. I don't really have a choice.

Thank you for joining me once again in my boudoir. And I'm going to ask you to do me one favour. Could you guess what it is? As much as I'd love you to rate the podcast and leave a review, I'd love more than anything else.

Is if you tell a friend .